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In the words of Ice Cube!

I am usually pretty quick at writing entries when things are going wrong, or I feel like moaning about something. However the positive posts are fewer and further between.

So today I have decided to change that up a bit. As my previous entry said, not a lot is happening right now with the whole redundancy thing, and it was starting to grind my gears a bit. With a few irons in the fire, and waiting for things to fall into place really starting to drag me down a bit.

So today, I had a job interview /assessment day. And with no further bullshit or drama, I was offered a job. I am not going to go into details about it right now. A few people know, but for the time being it's just "a job offer".

In the grand scheme of things, it is not my first choice of role. However it is one I am more than happy to run with (or I would not have applied for it, duh!). Let's call it a favourable second choice.

The main thing here is, my first choice role is progressing, I have passed most of the necessary stages to get the role. However there are a couple of things beyond my control left to happen before everything falls into place. As I cannot be 100% confident that it will all work out, it is nice to have the 2nd place role secured as a fall back.

I even confirmed with them that I have a flexible start date, to allow for the uncertainty of the actual date of redundancy, and to allow me a little wiggle room for a breather between jobs when the day comes.

This is just the news I needed to settle things down  a bit, and give me a little reassurance that whatever happens now, I have a job to move onto. I have income, something to do that I actually interests me (either role for that matter), so I can breathe easy on that front at least.

Two months ago, just after we went back to work after New Years, we were told we were being made redundant.... Here I am now with two job offers, and dare I say I am still keeping my ear to the ground and looking for other options and ideas. Until the day I actually finish with my current job, I shall keep my eyes open for any opportunities that appeal to me.

I was actually offered an interview for another role last week, but the time lines just don't work for them at the moment, due to the 12 weeks notice period. But who knows, things might change and I might go after that one instead. It was actually a lot closer to home too lol.

So after a long day of tests, medical, assessments and travel, I came home to find the dogs had managed to get into the front room. Damnit lol.

Right, im going to bed. My brain needs to process and archive today.

Good question, I was wondering the same myself to be honest, as at times I have lost it a bit. First of all I can't believe it has been over a month since I last wrote an entry here, that feels insane. And for my own sake, right now, is probably a little too long for my own sanity. Writing has always been the way I process things, and is the reason I always encourage others going through anything to do the same. 

Anyway, let's have a quick catch up shall we. Now, where do I start.....

Let's start with the fun stuff, the warm and cuddly kind. The puppy, aka Freyja, aka Monster, aka Snooty Toots, aka NO!!! Puppies are always hard work, even at the best of times, but I have to say she has really pushed some boundaries to say the least. House training... getting there, but still struggling a bit some days. Protest pees and poos when she is told off or not given the attention she wants. Occasional crying when we go out. This seems to be increasing at the moment, but is very much a random thing. Some days, 4 hours no problems. Other days, within minutes of walking out the door. Sometimes its a little moan. Other times it can last half an hour or so. And her latest trick, stealing and eating things. Silicone spatula, fish slice, oven mitt.... Just to name a few. On the plus side, it means the surfaces in the kitchen now are much clearer and cleaner. 

So yeah, that is a bit of a challenge right now, and has tested my patience of late. I won't say I am ashamed of being mad at her for it, just a little disappointed. However, with everything going on right now, she is kinda the straw that is threatening to break this camels back. Obviously with me being home for work all day (at the moment), I have a lot more time and experiences with the little shite than Ann does, so I guess it would be unfair to say I am dealing with the lions share, as it is just circumstances and not choices. All the same, some days it is exhausting me, mentally. Then when anything happens when we are both home, I get all precious and feel overwhelmed by it all. 

So I guess I better get to the juicy bits really. Starting with the big bit, redundancy.
I had my second consultation meeting yesterday, and was given a little more information on the situation. A settlement figure for the actual redundancy, a guide of how the timeline would go, and the opportunity to ask questions about the whole process. 

I think the important thing to clarify here is, although we were put on notice of possible redundancy in the second week of Jan. With the knowledge of course that it was actually certain redundancy, but there is a process and all, I know, I know. Either way, notice of the process beginning was given at that time. SO week two of 2024 we were given the notice. We are now on week 11, nine weeks later, and the second meeting has happened. Important to note that there was a first official meeting at the start of Feb.

Yesterdays meeting as I say had a bit more meat on the bones, however technically we have still NOT been officially made redundant, or started our notice periods. The carrot continues to dangle, the uncertainly continues also. What do you tell potential employers about your availability to start a new job. Just take a guess, ballpark it and hope it doesn't affect your redundancy pay-out? Some have decided on some interesting ways of dealing with this whole experience, as expected!

As it stands I now know what I will receive when the time comes. How long the notice period is (12 weeks) and that there MAY be a portion of that paid in lieu of notice. However at the moment I am setting my sights on having to work the full 12 weeks, so any days or weeks I don't have to is just a bonus. The timeline is a little confused by the way the roles at various locations are tapering off, with the last of them being about eight weeks away. The suggestion is (as expected) that there will be a handover period, and a passing of any relevant information or training required.  I guess we wait and see about that.

Now we get to the important part.....me! Me, me, meeee!
Obviously for the past couple of months I have been dipping my toe in the frigid waters of the job pool, seeing what is out there, considering what I can do, and trying to find roles that interest me. The most important thing is I want a sense of playing a part, being involved, and making a difference if possible. Of course I cannot be sure to what extent I can achieve those things, however I want to do something that allows a certain level of job satisfaction, much as my current role does. Being able to help a customer, impact on someones day, or even shape their future. Time will tell I guess. 

I have applied for a few jobs out there. One or two knock-backs, but more positive than negative responses. Having passed the application process for one role I am very interested in, I am just awaiting a provisional offer now, to continue the process. Hopefully it will not be too much longer before I hear back from them, and can accept, and then start the daunting process of references, medical, and vetting. *gulp*

A few other roles are still in the application process, with assessments due soon. I will see how they go, and adjust my horizons accordingly. Annoyingly the notice period, and leaving date from my current employer is not the only pinch point right now. With the waiting period for the primary role I want being quite a long one, that impacts my ability to accept others offers made in the meantime. It is out of my control, and could still all end in tears for me for that role. However I would rather delay making any other moves until I am sure of the direction the primary is taking. After all I am being paid redundancy, so have a certain cushion to allow me some thinking time. No point rushing into misery, just for the sake of securing A job.

All sounds a bit messy doesn't it? Which explains going back to my first point, why my brain is in a bit of a funk right now. The smallest things are turning into big deals, and I suspect that is due to some stress being caused by the other things going on. 

A quick recap at this point..

Puppy from hell terrorising me. Awaiting confirmed redundancy date from work. Awaiting provisional job offer from first choice role. Head in a funk caused by all the above

I think that summarises it nicely so far.

Now I have gotten all that out of my head and onto a screen, I can see what is going on, and how normal it is to be overwhelmed by little things. I think that is always the way, and some people would do well to understand and appreciate. When you feel there are little things bothering you, getting you down, and upsetting you, a lot of the time it is because you are dealing with something else far worse or demanding, and you are simply mentally exhausted. So the slightest little thing sends you over the edge or off on a mad one.

In short I have a load of really important stuff happening all at the same time. Uncertainty, insecurity, confusion and curiosity to name but a few. I am temporarily out of control of my life, and that is not something I am familiar with or comfortable with, so it makes sense that I feel the way I do.
In the meantime I am trying to focus on keeping myself sane, practising mindfulness whenever the opportunity allows. As well as trying to get a grip of my fitness and physical health for whatever may lay ahead of me. I would like to start whatever role I go into with the best possible fitness, and the outlook to improve on it from here on in. 

Hopefully the next few weeks will see some certainty return, and the road ahead will become a little clearer. One thing I can say wholeheartedly is that whatever the next step is for me, I am ready for it, "excited" for the change, and looking forward to learning new skills, and doing new things. 

Now I just have to hope and pray that the poop machine of a puppy can get her act together in the next 3-4 months, and that we can go back to them being OK being left alone for a while each day. Guess I better get practising with all that. 

Thanks for reading, and if you are one of the people I have leaned on recently for a little sanity check, and venting session, thank you so much for taking the time to be there for me, you know I am here for you too.

 

  

It's been a few weeks since we were told about the up and coming redundancies, and as the weeks have passed it has become more and more clear which way things are going. 

Long and the short of it is, the jobs are going, no two ways about it. Not being transferred to other department or roles, this is, THE END!

Obviously from the point of hearing the news I was keen to start exploring options of what was next for me. It has really been an eye opener for me to look around the job scene, see what is out there, and what pays what.

The biggest question for me all along has been what do I want to do next? Do I want another office role, do I want to remain working from home, or do I want to do something totally out there. So different that it would shock people, such a change from my norm it would give my mind a complete reboot.

I have to be honest, a lot of things have passed through my mind in a very short space of time, from retraining, to just sticking with what I know, and a thousand things in between. Options thrown up by friends, idea tossed about, dream roles revisited, it really has been a whirlwind.

Now it gets a bit cryptic here, and I make no apologies. Those who know, know. Those who don't, don't for a reason. Simple as that really.  
One of the things I have taken away from this whole situation is how calm my mind has been, and how focused I have been able to remain with so much going on around me. As I looked into different opportunities, I actually found myself giving myself credit for how level headed I was being about thing. Shocked by my lack of panic and spiralling out of control I decided to dive down a rabbit hole and test the water.

Much to my surprise yesterday, my head emerged from the other end of the rabbit warren, unscathed and feeling energised by the journey. Feeling like I had really done all I could to try and do something new. I have emerged into a new world, where for a while at least I have no control over what happens next. I may be picked off by a bird of prey in seconds, or I might continue to live a happy life full of new experiences. Time will tell. 

All I know is, I was in control of navigating the tunnels of the warren, and getting to where I am now. And whatever happens next is not down to me, does not reflect on me, nor does it define me. I have no idea how long it will take me to find out if I belong in this new world I find myself in, but until the control is handed back to me, I shall just enjoy the moment, and be proud of myself for making the journey. 

In the meantime, we await further information about what is happening at work. There are more meetings expected soon to discuss a timeline for our departure, what the package is, and any other weird and wonderful details along the way. My only hope is that this part of the process does not interfere with me moving forwards, and that the dates align with whatever the universe has in store for me. 

On another note, I hope all those I care about are coping OK with the information they have thus far, and remain right here to offer any support I can to those who might be having a tough time of things right now. 

Aaah the bliss. But sometimes it's a little awkward.

What am I talking about? Sorry, it would make more sense if I explained. I have written about this before, but thought I would touch on it again as a periodic update more than anything. With a couple of little things I have noticed along the way. 
So, my phone has been set to silent (not even vibrate) for almost four years now. Occasionally if I am expecting an important and imminent call I will put the ring volume back on for a short while, but that had been about it. 

Instead I rely on notifications on my watch for a small handful of applications, to let me know if something needs my urgent attention, but other than that, silence! And its bliss!

As a reminder of how life used to be with the phone constantly screaming for my attention like a little child, the other phone I have for work is NOT on silent. It doesn't often get a notification, but when it does OMG it is irritating. Even the most simple of notification sounds is jarring against the silence I am used to. Obviously when I am working it is important that I deal with things in a timely manner, so it is a necessary evil, but also a constant reminder of why I choose not to have my phone notifications turned on the rest of the time.

Having just the bare minimum of notifications gently vibrate my wrist, showing a glimpse of the message, so I can decide whether or not to interact with the message, or just let it wait til later is perfection. Not only while busy driving or out for a meal with a friend, but also while running, cycling, even walking. I can stay in the moment and focused on what I am doing, rather than constantly stopping, checking, responding, and being dragged into the temptation of the other apps on the phone. 

Of course if it is an important notification, such as a call from a close friend I will respond immediately.
The downside of this of course is sometimes I miss a call, maybe I am away from the phone and don't see it ringing, and the watch is out or range too. Or simply because the notification is so subtle, I simply don't see it. Fair to say though, if it is urgent, the person will usually call or message back, and I will see it. 

Like I say, I have been doing things this way for four years now, and I can honestly say for 99.9% of the time it's the best way to be. Just on the odd occasion seeing a missed call, one I would have actually answered, frustrates me a little bit. But the occasional missed call is worth the silence the rest of the time. And to be fair the percentage of calls I answer is minimal anyway, happily letting the majority slip off to voicemail is fine with me. 

For the rest of the time, the silence is bliss, and my mind is able to disconnect from the whole "always online" mentality most of us are cursed with these days. Not to say I don't have my moments, spending far too long scrolling, after getting sucked into social media by a simple notification. 20 mins later wondering what I achieved in that time. The answer to which usually is absolutely nothing other than burning my eyes staring at a world of falseness and fakery. 

Quite often I will go on bike rides for 3-5 hours, feel my watch vibrate, see my Garmin headunit pop up a notification and just ignore it all. That time is MY time, not for being there on demand for responding to the most trivial of messages. Gone are the days I will start a reply "sorry for the late reply", unless of course I genuinely am, and the subject matter commanded a more urgent response. But I am not here for the sole purpose of serving others, being their sounding boards, and muse while they are bored. My life is for me, and to share with who and what I choose, when I so choose to. God I sound grumpy today. 

But it is true. Everything is on demand these days, including friends so it seems. There when they want you to be, but without the sentiment being reciprocated. Here when I want you, absent when you want. Well, quite frankly, fuck that!

I am always there for my nearest and dearest, and if you have afforded me your time and patience when I have most needed someone there, you will know that I will always be there for you too. I hope it goes without question that the people I care most about, know I am always here for them, if you don't get a reply, just bombard me, please!

Wow, off on a bit of a tangent there for a moment, but making an important point of how these things fit into my mindset and the way I live my life these days.  Anyway, back on track again now just to sum things up. Turning off notifications is not for everyone I know. For some there are too many variables in their lives to make it a viable option. However for others it is simply a matter of taking back control, shunning the FOMO that seems to have become a thing these days, and just focusing on yourself for a bit.

Try it for a few hours, a day maybe, see how it feels. Different phones and OS's allow different levels of personalisation of how to quieten things down. Leaving on notifications for important apps or people, while shutting the rest out for a bit. Take some time to yourself, maybe practise some mindfulness. Did I mention the Calm app? Great for spending some time with yourself for a bit.
So go on, see what freedoms your devices will afford you, and try it. God knows people are trying all the other popular and cool stuff, like giving up booze or meat for a month. Even pretending that they are going to go to the gym this year, and instead just giving the gym owners a financial boost for a few month.

Right, that is it for me, I will now switch my notifications on for a bit so I can see and respond to any messages and comments about this entry in real time!
I'm joking of course, I love the comments etc, but really don't write these things for them. Instead they are mainly for me, with an added bonus of helping and influencing others from time to time.

 

OK I was doing a meditation session on Calm today, and it was about finding your ground, your home base. Some of the wording took my mind off on a tangent for a bit, and this is what I came up with. Bear with me, it's a bit weird.

The other day speaking to a friend I was trying to find an analogy for the course of anxiety. Before doing something the anxiety starts, then a wave of uncertainty, a lasting feeling of doom, and eventually it settles down. A bit like Jenga, removing a tricky brick, the stack starts to wave, there is a possibility of collapse, but usually it settles.

Unfortunately on Googling it, I was just repeating what has been said before. Damnit. I was so sure that was a great new thing.

Anyway, back to today. I made my own up. Well truth be told I haven't Googled this one yet, but I like it anyway.

Imagine a pond. Beautiful clear water, at the bottom hard rock. Between the rock and water lays a layer of silt. How thick that silt is is individual, as is the depth of the water. But underpinning the whole thing is the rock. Definitely there, although sometimes it feels like it's all loose silt.

Most peoples anxiety ponds is deep water. A thick skin so to speak, able to absorb shock and weather the storm. Occasionally the winds really pick up and cause the water to become unsettled. Deep below the surface on the most extreme of these days the silt gets kicked up a little, and for the bottom few inches of the water it gets a little cloudy for a while. As the storm passes and the water become still once more, the silt settles again with ease, leaving our pond crystal clear again.

However for some of us, the silt is deeper and lighter, the water much more shallow. The shallower our waters, the more vulnerable we are to things becoming unsettled. Anything more than a gentle breeze and the water gets moving, stirring up the silt. Within minutes leaving our pond thick and cloudy. Now even the slightest of breezes keeps the water moving and stops the silt from settling.

Leaving our pond (mind) cloudy for prolonged periods of time, and never getting a chance to settle. For as long as there is a breeze, there will be no peace, no clear water, and no normality.

In a perfect world we could put more water in the pond, but that's just not how nature works. Instead we are left with one option.

That is what today's mindfulness session was about. Taking a moment, sitting still for a short time, and sheltering from the wind. Letting the silt in our minds settle, and allowing the way forward to clear.

Told you it was a bit out there. But now, that is my home base, that is my visualisation for meditation. Going back to my scuba days, I am familiar with silt kick up, and watching how it behaves. So I can picture myself at the bottom of the lake, listening to my breathing through the regs, and watching the silt settle, until my mind clears enough to carry on.

Hope you can make sense of it. Either way, I like it and that's all that matters.

It's fair to say it's been a bit full on over the past week. A lot to take on, a lot to digest, and of course a lot to do moving forward.

While we await the details of the cuts, confirmations that each of our roles is indeed being cut, and each person being made redundant, rather than redeployment, it is important to stay on top of things. Using the time wisely to make sure I am moving in the right direction if and when the time comes..

From what has been said, and how it's been worded, I get the impression that redeployment will be minimal. Having been told on the call to actively look for other roles ourselves on the HR site, it doesn't sound at least like there are going to be offers of roles. Certainly not for the masses.

As any regular reader will know, I have already started my own process and have an interview soon, so should it be redundancy for me, I will already be making moves in the right direction. Of course I don't see any job I apply for as "in the bag". It's a tough world out there and the likelihood of walking into the first job I apply for after 24 years is rather slim. But, got to stay positive.

Having spent the past week flogging myself with exercise, spending time doing the legwork to apply for a new job, and contemplating what comes next and how it will play out. I today thought it was time to come and sit in the countryside and breathe for a bit. Put the stress and over thinking to one side, and just be present for a moment. He said sitting on a bench in the woods by the lake, on his phone writing this blog... And yes my fingers are freezing!

Here it sit, breathe, and write.

I have to be honest, I have not given myself much time to think of the negatives, so wanted to take a step back for a moment and see if anything floated up. Is there anything in the background secretly worrying me? Does it just need time to come out? This is after all me we are talking about.

But it seems not. Of course there are things that rattle through my brain, maybe call it mild doubt and concern. My main things now are...

What if they offer me a role I can't refuse but hate?

What if the redundancy pay is really bad?

What if I interview really badly and can't get a job?

To be fair the last one isn't too big a deal. I'm not too proud to take any job I can get. Obviously I have preferences, and would like to get into something I can make a difference doing. But in the short term, I'm not afraid of hard work of any kind.

I, well we have had it really good for years now, especially post Covid. It has been dreamy working from home, and doing the role I have done. But I see this as an opportunity to break free of the restraints and take a step forward. So roles I am looking at challenge me in a number of ways. Precisely for that reason.

Well... I can't feel my hands anymore, so am going to head back to the car. But I think I have established that my mind is quite happy right now. Sleep has been good, I feel well rested and alert.

Now if we can just get a date for the one-to-one meetings, and it be soon, that would be amazing. That is really the only thing weighing on me right now.

Thanks for reading, I am going to go and try and get some feeling back in my hands.

First application went in today. Early days along the road, but keen to get things off to a positive start.

The past couple of days I have had a multitude of ideas and thoughts on what to do next. My main thoughts were, serve a purpose, make a difference. So I started writing up a shortlist of things that I liked the idea of, that I felt I could do, and that somehow gave back.

Right now money is not the focus, reward is. Achievement far out weighs finances, once the bills are paid of course.

On Friday I started a writing a list, fast and furiously, anything that came into my head. Roles I had previously considered by never tried, qualifications that I like the idea of having. Considering I don't actually have ANY qualifications, one would be good lol.

Thankfully I have also been blessed with input from people around me. Some bloody stupid suggestions, others with some merit. So the past 48 hours have been spent searching the internet, bookmarking pages, jotting down follow-up ideas, and from time to time actually reading up on certain roles.

Now it is fair to say, after a quarter of a century in the same company, I am a little rusty when it comes to most things about seeking employment, let alone the interview process, so that kinda terrifies me right now. Also, I have obviously spent the last decade or so avoiding people, so I think some of the jobs on the list might surprise people.

This afternoon, after a bit of discussion with Ann, a deliberation with myself I finally put fingers to keys and filled out an application. This was followed by completing and passing the first round of test. So technically I guess what I am saying is... I have my first job interview!

I am gonna put this out there early. As excited as I am about the role, I really don't think I will get it. First interview in over two decades, how could I possibly land a job after that? There are other mitigating circumstances too which make me think I won't get it, but time will tell.

So there you go, redundancy notice on Thursday, job interview by Saturday. I should also say the interview isn't today, I will be notified of availability for interview dates soon, but technically it's in the process, so I'm calling it.

Told you I would update you soon, just didn't think it would be this soon! Watch this space for more updates on this and other avenues I find myself down soon. Like I say, I would like this to be the one, but am not kidding myself for a second. But it's a process, right?

The short version is after 24 years, my journey with the company has come to an end. All very sad indeed. Part of a bigger plan by the company to restructure things. 

However, sometimes it is good to take a step back and look at things through rose tinted glasses. Not to make it into something that it is not, but instead to appreciate what happened in those years.

Many years back I started writing a book, and reflected on the "Sliding Doors" effect. In fact I have blogged about this in the past too. Sometimes a simple action can have massive consequences. This is indeed one of those matters. 25 years ago I was an operations manager for a security company in South London. Tired of the role, but not actively looking for something else, my mum handed me the local newspaper, which had a big ad on the back of it for a company. I applied, went for the interview and got the call to start ASAP while I was still driving back from the interview.

Now I digress a little here, but the long and short of it was, I had had a company van for years, and had no car of my own. To commute to the new job in the wee small hours would require a car. So off I went to somewhere with guaranteed finance, paid an arm and a leg, and bought myself a Vauxhall Vectra. At the time it was the newest car I had owned. Previously I had had a modified Cortina (don't laugh), and used to go to Chelsea Cruise at the weekends. However I was out of touch with this, and there was this new thing now, the internet. So I googled a few things and found a small internet forum called Cruise Central. A load of like minded people who modified cars and met up regularly. Pre Fast and Furious franchise I might add. This was 2000.

Anyway, long story short, after first being suspected of being a copper, I was eventually welcomed into the folds, and became a regular user of the forum. From here things moved fast. Talk of meets spawned the idea of a new forum. Introductions were made, and a meeting took place where a small group of us, some of who I still speak to a quarter of a century later, formed a new forum.. Cruise-South!

I won't go on about what happened next in detail, but I will say for better and for worse, that forum made me the man I am today. From forming friendships with some amazing people, to learning to work with the media and police. Getting adult experience of what it was like to lose someone you knew and cared about. Relationships, conflicts, learning to read characters, and of course developing a split personality and all sorts of mental health issues! 
This was the inception of "Snazy", and the start of a bit of a battle with myself, but one that has taught me so much, so I am thankful.

The point I am getting to is, had I not taken this job, I would not have bought the car, had no reason to join a forum, would not have met the people I did, and life would be so so different. And quite frankly, I would not change a single moment for a second. I am proud of who I became, even prouder of who they became, and like to kid myself that the interactions I had with some had a positive impact on their lives and journeys. 

The past 24 years have seen some tragic moments for sure. However they have also seen some mighty triumphs too, and I am always one to try and see the positives rather than the negatives. Just like now, I see the positives of a decision I made 24 years ago, and the rewards of the journey I took, rather than the doom and gloom of losing my job.

Truth be told I made some amazing friends thanks to the effects of taking the job, and made one or two friends from the actual job itself. I am not going to sugar coat it and pretend it has all been wonderful, it really hasn't. However the few friends I have made and kept from the job, I am really grateful for. They have taught me about differences of options, the power of conversation, diversity and so much more.

Now, after all this time I get the opportunity once again to spread my wings a little, broaden my horizons, and move on to something else. I have looked at other industries and roles quite a few times over the years, but generally been happy with what I did. So this is just a firm nudge to move on, and follow one of those paths I have often gazed down. Which one, I really don't know right now, but there are a few to look at and see which fits best.

I won't go on for much longer, but I just wanted to make this entry to acknowledge and appreciate the amazing people I have met through my journey, especially those I met from the forums and the effects of simply buying a car to get to and from a new job. The world works in mysterious ways.
So if you are reading this, and we met through Cruise-South / CSOC or the modified car scene, can I get a hell yeah!! If we still talk today, it is because I value your input and conversation, and hey, some of you I even consider friends.

Love to you all.

Next episode I hope to discuss my options and thoughts for the road ahead, that should be interesting (or boring)

Yup, that's right, after 24 years working at the same place, in just two roles, a swiftly called meeting this afternoon wrapped it all up into a couple of neat sentences. Our role is to be "absorbed" into other operations, and therefore our services are no longer required. The end of service will be around March some time, but we are currently waiting on one-to-one consultations to find out more. There will of course be a compensations package. 

Before I carry on, by "today" I actually mean yesterday, but I have just been taking a bit of time to digest all of this before putting fingers to keys. Having thought over this overnight, I thought it would be best to write in a short series of entries, so not to miss anything out, or skate over some parts to keep the entry short. So I will start with the immediate thoughts, and feelings on the situation.

So here goes...
Since 2020 there have been some big changes in the company, closures, consolidations, and other cost saving measures. My team have avoided a couple of rounds of redundancies in the past, and I have to say I took the threat far worse then than I did recently. I am sure there are some blog entries to be found which reflect how badly I took the threat, and the poor mental state I was in at the time. It is actually quite incredible to look back at those times, and see the differences from then til now. 

This time however it was for real. In the weeks leading up to the announcement, there have been some warning signs, and on the actual day, the activities within the company in the morning indicated all was not well, and that there was bad news on the horizon. So when the email came in to say we were having a team meeting, including a senior, and HR, in the next 30 mins, with the whole team, I think it is fair to say the writing was on the wall. On the lead up to the meeting I was frantically messaging those closest to me saying I thought I was about to get made redundant, while at the same time in my head starting to process the news.

A year ago I would be a shaking, mumbling mess, of that I have no doubt. However as the meeting started, the faces of the managers said it all. No words were needed other than when and how much. However a sombre statement was read out, which detailed the reasoning for the decision, a rough time scale, and that support would be available and further meetings would be had with employees in the coming days and weeks to give individual details. Logging out of the meeting, I was officially aware that I was being made redundant, and obviously told my nearest and dearest immediately. While at the same time the IM's came alive with messages from people in the same boat. 

From that point on, well it has been interesting. Obviously there is still a job to do, so you have to remain professional. But it is hard to avoid the fact you just got canned. There is no bitterness or bad feeling there for me. 24 years service (just missing out on my 25 year pay award, damnit!). I feel I have been treated fairly, paid well (something I will revisit), and having spent the last four years working from home, I honestly don't think I could have asked for more. So I am strangely grateful for the opportunities and the journey.

The rest of the working day was strange, there was a eerie quietness about the place. No one talking much, communications to a minimum, with the occasional random question or statement, but that was about it.

For me, my brain sprang into motion, thankfully at a reasonable speed, and I started processing what this meant for me. Sitting at my expensive home office set up, which I paid for myself, the first thought was "what am I gonna do with this lot". Not a major concern, a past expenditure now (apart from the chair), so something that I am sure will serve a purpose in the future one way or another. Then my mind turned to what comes next...

That is an interesting one for me, and I will go into my thoughts on that on the next entry maybe. However, there are a few points I want to make in this entry beforehand. 
I am more than aware my role has paid pretty well compared to the job market out there, and that the role itself has afforded me some luxuries. The biggest one being free time. Having worked part time for almost the past 15 years now, not starting til midday Monday to Friday. I have had plenty of time to spend with my thoughts, and had the freedom to exercise and escape for a while.

Obviously there is a bit of a reality check about to hit, and I am sure it is going to take some getting used to. Working longer days, maybe weekends, being paid less, and having to try harder to find time for my escapes. Escapes which I am positive have helped put me in the stronger mental health position that I am in today.

Of course, it is not just me in this flotilla of boats. As we all move away from this role, a lot of others are also going through the same processes, some I would hazard a guess, taking the news not quite as well as me, and seeing a dark road ahead right now. To them, I wish them the best, and hope they can take some time to reflect on how exceptional the last however many years have been, and hope they can make the required adjustments to find some light. 

And of course, I have to take a moment to recognise the changes this means to my home life too. No more being at home with the dogs all day, no more cosy home office. Back to seeing the wife in the morning and then again in the evening, depending of course on what path I take next. Lots of uncertainty, but very little worry or concern. With the suggestions of what the redundancy will be, I am confident I will have the time to make some careful decisions on what lays ahead, decide what path to take and what my future is, while being able to pay the bills to keep a roof over our heads in the meantime.  That's the main things covered. 

I will wrap it up there. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts out there, reflect for a moment myself, and check in with myself to see if any feelings I was not aware of surfaced while writing this. I am pleased to report this is NOT the case, and that after writing this, I still feel headstrong and positive. Thank you to those of you who have already reached out with supportive words and reassurances that it will all be OK. 

Watch this space for the next instalment, where I will hopefully spit ball some ideas I have had.
Not how I saw this year going, but got to stick with the positives, like .. I might be able to buy a new bike now...woohoo!

 

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !!