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Author: WaffleDog

Published on Leave a comment on Things ain’t right!

I know, I know, I said it before, but I just wanted to get things straight in my head.

Since the last entry I have had a week off work, got lots of odd jobs done, achieved a few things, thought a lot, seen friends, been out a couple of times, went to see Michael McIntyre and so on. Plenty of me time is the main thing there. 
Sadly I have also spent a lot of money that I don't have yet in order to get those jobs I mentioned done. I have had a few nice bike rides too, and spent time walking the dogs. 

But with all that said and done, I don't feel right. 
Last night was a prime example, but before I get to that, let me do a quick pupdate.
House training is finally getting there, habits are starting to form, and her true personality is starting to shine through. Much as I had hoped (like my others) she loves being solitary, will take herself off up the hallway, or into the bed in the corner of the living room. She has even taken to sleeping outside at night for a few hours at a time now too. Unfortunately Kallik likes sleeping outside too, and her being out there annoys him slightly, which he vocalises. Sadly that is not ideal at 1am.  It is not her being there that bothers him, but more when she gets ants in her pants and starts wandering around the garden. Work in progress there then, but definitely progress. 

Ironically, for a dog that likes to be on her own, it seems she is a little attached to me. Even when Ann is in she can get vocal if I go out. That said we were out for 3 hours the other day, and not so much as a whisper. It is very sporadic, occasionally we go out and nothing. Sometimes a little moan then nothing. Sometimes nothing then a moan, then nothing, and every now and then she is vocal for the majority of the time we are out. Boredom more than separation anxiety I would say, but can't quite put my finger on the trigger.  Strange!

Anyway, back to me, last night...
Over the past couple of nights there have been a couple of foxes in nearby gardens being very noisy, its that time of year and all. Anyway, Kallik is a big fan of foxes and likes to introduce himself. When he knows they are around he gets very unsettled.
Deciding on an early night last night, I climbed into bed and within minutes the foxes started, Kallik who was in the back garden started and a nightmare begun. I brought him in, but instead of settling he whined to go back out, which wound the others up too.  Nothing I have not been through before, and as irritating as it is, you get by. 

However, last night I could not settle. I think I was more unsettled than the dogs were. Aware of my heart pounding, and still full of food from a big dinner I felt thoroughly unsettled and borderline unwell. Mistaking being bloated for pressure in the chest and so on, I spiralled for the first time in a long time. It was not til about 2am I got back into feeling OK again, and settled enough to get a few hours sleep. On the plus side of all this, Freyja managed almost 8 hours without going out into the garden for a wee, and the house stayed dry, so small mercies and all that. 

The issue lays with the four hours I had to myself, to mentally beat myself up, and over think for the first time in a while. It is amazing what you can come up with left in the company of a mad-man aka your own mind. The bloated feeling got me thinking about health and weight, the over thinking part of it got me concerned about my mental state.

Starting with physical fitness and health. For my age I guess I am doing OK. More active than a large percentage in my age group, good resting heart rate, athleticism isn't too shabby. So they are the positives. The negatives... I eat too much junk food, I am over weight, my BP is higher than normal, and I am cheating myself by not being lighter and faster. Looking back at historic numbers I am heavy and slow now. Where as before I was quite heavy and quite quick lol. Age plays a part, state of mind doesn't help and I will come to that. But ultimately I need to shift some weight. Pretty sure I have said that a lot recently, but I just CANNOT find the motivation to stay on the wagon. I have lost some, but then I lost the enthusiasm. If weight were enthusiasm, I would be 8 stone now!

Then there is the mind, which really is not playing ball right now. I know I have said a few times now that I am doing OK in the face of such big changes, however I am left wondering if I am just putting on a brave face, and am actually struggling. Or maybe that is just me not giving myself enough credit for handling something well. 
I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. In general I feel confident that I will have a job when I am ready. Like I have said, there are offers there, so I can kinda confidently say "I have a job" to go to, just not sure which one yet. In the meantime I continue to look and consider others, occasionally applying.  So it is fair to say I am not putting a face on in that regard.

Possibly one of the areas I am having a bit of an internal debate is what I actually want to do. Out the gate I said I want to make a difference, help with change in people, feel I have achieved something, and that remains true. However I also want to be happy and mentally healthy too, so there is balance to be found. Having worked part time for 15 years almost, I know going back to full time work will have an impact. Morning rides and runs will not be as easy or frequent anymore. I am OK with that, I think. Well, especially as I have recently not been doing that much, which has not helped with the physical side of things, and weight. 

So, finding a new job.... check. Pretty much a done deal. 
Happiness in job / home..... semi check. I have only gone for roles I feel comfortable with, as diverse as a few of them are. 
Freedom.... That is gonna take a hit if I stick with my top 3 jobs.

That is probably the one hitting me the hardest, but the one point I have avoided thinking about too much until now. But as the clock starts to tick down, it is time to give it some thought. And based on some recent conversations, maybe also time to reconsider my top 3 jobs, and give some others some thought too. Things that offer me a little more freedom to organise my day. I don't think I have gone down the wrong path, I just don't think I have looked at any others hard enough to consider them critically, and be 100% certain on my choices.

There are a multitude of job opportunities that offer me more freedom to plan my day my own way. But the trade off is the job satisfaction, and I am not too sure I want to compromise that. Out of the frying pan springs to mind. 

So what is this, or are these other paths....?
Well the first is re-training. Something along the lines of counselling. Rewarding, feel like I am giving back, and something I have some experience in, and some "transferrable skills" (see I do read all the job application forms!! lol). It would require me to do a college course, and get some qualifications. In the meantime I would need to get a less satisfying part time job to allow the study / income balance. But of all the ideas I have had over many years, this is one I come back to frequently. I could even use that skillset in other roles that appeal to me, so a win win. 

The other is back to basics, driving of some kind. Anything is a consideration, from buses, to lorries, to Uber, whatever. Just something I can just get on an do, while contemplating what comes next for me.

All of the above deserve a little consideration, while waiting on the primary list to sort itself out. Seems patience is truly a virtue when it comes to getting the ball rolling with job offers. Three months since passing all the assessments, and still waiting on a placement. Phew, this is intense. 

Anyway, I am going a bit all over the place here. So to wrap this up, I guess what has come out of my head in this writing session is that I need to be kind to myself, not blinker my views on the road or roads ahead, and appreciate that there is a lot going on right now. My life can be viewed as every aspect being suspended in the air like a mobile for a baby. Hanging from strings, bobbing around but going nowhere at the moment. Just waiting for things to actually move to get an idea of what comes next and what it looks like.

God I needed this time to write. Can't say I have discovered anything ground-breaking, but getting it out of my head and into the ether always feels better. The pressure has been released once again.

Now, back to beating myself up about my weight and appearance. And trying to find that illusive bit of motivation and willpower I need to get things moving again. I always say routine is the key, and it is... Just got to find mine. Maybe the nicer weather will help... And of course putting the cakes down!

As ever, thanks for reading.

2

Published on 2 Comments on Disturbance in the force

All is well, or so it seemed, but something isn't right.
It is a hard one to explain, but over the past week I have become more and more aware that something is not right. Maybe it is the weather, and being trapped indoors, unable to run or ride the way I would like to. Could I be unsettled by the redundancy becoming a reality having been formalised? Am I just in the midst of a mood swing, or is it something else.

I thought I would take to the blog to throw my thoughts out and see what I can make of them. So, in the guise of a YouTube Vlogger.... Let's get into this!

It has been a week since the formal notice period for my redundancy began. Throughout the build up to this I have felt OK about it. I would say good, but that just sounds a bit weird. Either way, as inconvenient as it is, it is not the end of the world, and I do not find myself fixated on it, worrying about what I am going to do. I have found other avenues to go down for work, with offers in hand. My redundancy package is fair, and will keep me going in the event of the current plans derailing, so in that regard, I am OK with that.

Yesterday towards the end of the day, people who I have worked with for a couple of decades began sending messages to all the other staff, saying their goodbyes, wishing everyone the best etc. I have to say there were a few exchanges with some of them which really drove home just how long I have been working with some of them, and how it really is the end of a chapter. As one said "we have almost grown up together", which when I thought about it, he was right. I will definitely be sad to see them go. While being realistic that we will probably lose contact very quickly, even with the magic of social media. We had work in common, not much else.

But no, I don't think it's work. Especially with some of the events of the last week of two, with some people really starting to wind down their efforts, and in the process wind me up with their lame attitudes, and arrogant behaviour. As I keep saying in group chats #WontMissThat whenever something irritating occurs. In fact that COULD be part of it, maybe it IS work?
Having spend years normalised to the selfish behaviour of some, taking it with a pinch of salt, rather than escalating a situation to the point of not being able to work with someone, although that has happened a couple of times. Thankfully the most recent being incommunicado right now, so that works for me. So yeah, maybe I am just really starting to bite my tongue now as the end draws closer, finding it harder and harder to tolerate people who push my buttons. Hmm, I will ponder that one. It is definitely a thing, just not sure if it's THE thing.

Plans moving ahead seem OK at the moment, although a little slow moving which is a bit frustrating. Checking regularly for updates, maybe a little too frequently for my own good. But having had conversations with one of the options this week, it reassured me that it was in place and ready to go, I just need to pull the trigger on it. Well, almost that simple, still a bit of back and forth to confirm dates etc. Hopefully I will get some more info on the others soon and be able to turn a page on that side of things.

Being stuck indoors is definitely jarring. Having had some fencing done by landscapers over a couple of days this week, I have been unable to go out on those mornings, which frustratingly have been the best mornings of the week, with the rest of the week being a complete washout. Sure I could probably go for a run in the rain, I have done it plenty of times before, but the mood just doesn't take me right now. So again, the opportunity to get out, put off because of my mood, so maybe it's not the lack of getting out.

With that said, even if I have not felt to run or ride outdoors, missing out on just being out there in the fresh air is definitely a thing for me. I usually make a point of getting out once a day at least, even for a walk. Air between the ears, head-space, and just a general reset for me. I am definitely missing that right now. That needs to change, and pronto. Phew, finally I have found something that IS having an impact on my mood and mindset. Right, I need to get out for at least a walk today, and I want to get a session on Zwift in too, just to get the heart working.

Speaking of getting the heart working, again another niggle for me is exercise for fitness and weightloss. Having done so little this week I FEEL heavy and big right now. I am sure I have not gained 10lbs from a few days of bad eating and not exercising, but mentally it feels like I have. Instead I have sat at home, watched TV, and cleaned up after the dogs. Back to that in a minute. Now, to be fair to myself I have also gotten some projects around the house and garden done, so it has not been a complete week of being a couch potato. Credit where it is due, carrying bags of topsoil around and  levelling the garden, not to mention constantly moving temporary fencing around to make sure the dogs can't get into the worst parts of the waterlogged garden, and bring most of it into the house with them.

OK, so the dogs... Fuck me, this pup is testing me right now. A few days clean, then she decides the hallway is the garden, and does her business all over it. The only saving grace right now (cursing myself here I know) is that she has not fixated on the section of hallway with gaps in the grout, so at least it is not a toxic cloud of urine when you walk into the house. Towels on the floor for easy clean ups just seems to give her the impression that is where she is meant to go. So its a bit of a lose-lose scenario right now on that front.

All that said, we have come a long way, and things have improved a lot. However the idea of going out for a run or ride, and coming home to have to clear up does put a downer on the idea of going out. Added to the fact of we are currently going through a phase of the pup crying when we go out. Sometimes nothing, sometimes it seems pretty constant. Occasionally she will cry for a few mins then stop for hours on end. All this is discovered by looking back on the cameras and seeing the sound activations. One day it is a few dots, the next a solid grey line against the entire time-line. 

Having spoken to the neighbours about it, they have no issue with the crying, it isn't barking and howling, just low frequency moaning. That is a huge relief for sure, but even in the knowledge of that, I am still struggling to switch off when I go out, and am put of even going out in the first place, knowing she may be going to be pissing, shitting and crying while I am out. Although thankfully it seems to happen less and less. The only thing to do it rinse and repeat til we build a routine.
A routine of course that I will need to have created by the time I start a new job, and am out for hours at a time each day. So another stress point for me identified right there. Getting the routine sorted and the peace of mind that the dogs will be OK when we are both out.

This is something that was never an issue with other dogs, and it my first time dealing with a dog that has problems being left alone. This is not acute separation anxiety as such, more a lack of stimulation on any given day, but all a bit too hit and miss to identify a trigger or cure. The thought of "this isn't working out" keeps creeping back into my mind, along with "what have we done", and "was this a mistake". I won't deny having low moments about it all and feeling like I am not sure how long I can go before deciding something needs to change. Hopefully we don't get to that point!

So that is a few things that are wobbling around my head right now. Lack of getting out on the bike, having a garden that is currently a swamp, seeing the lawn disappear before my eyes, wondering when I will hear back from the job offers next, planning a long holiday before starting a new job, but having the uncertainty of the dogs, or the pup I should say, on my mind constantly. Not to mention the eternal cleaning of the hallway, getting up in the middle of the night to let them out.

Oh, that's another thing, broken sleep. I am trying to get to bed earlier, knowing that the dogs are going to get me up in the early hours. Trying to bank a few solid hours before the disruption starts. Then for some reason my mind wakes up by 6.30am daily, so if I had a late night it is game over for sleep for me after that time. Once the mind is awake, the rest of me wakes up  quickly. Maybe I will rename my brain Bagpuss, as when the brain wakes, all the little mice of the body wake.

In summary, what I am taking away from all this is that there is nothing catastrophic there. Nothing life changing going on that will derail me. However there are lots of bumps, and each one of them unsettles me a little more. The more bumps in a day that I go over, and the closer they are in succession, the tougher the day gets. So for example, wake from a broken nights sleep, clean up piss in the hallway, think about going for a run, see the weather, remember I am waiting in for a delivery or worker. Finally manage to get out for a walk, enjoy myself for a moment, but constantly in the back of my mind I am trying not to check the cameras to see if she is behaving. Get home, check for piss and poo, finally check the cameras and see if she has behaved of not. It's now only 10am! I have not even started work yet by this point, and even started to get wound up by the stupidity that awaits.

Oh well, four days off over Easter now, so shared time at home, shared responsibilities so that is something, right. A bit of a break, a chance to work on forming routines, and a bit of a break from the current routine of destruction.
Now if I can just get a break in the weather to get out on the bike for a few hours, that might go some way to finding my feet again. As I typed that the sun burst through the grey clouds outside the window, so that must be a sign, right, PLEASE !!

Thanks for reading my rant, and sharing this latest journey of my thoughts outside my head. Allowing them to expand, and become fully fledged thoughts, and disappear for a bit.

Right, I am off to clean the hallway of mud, piss, and poo again. Have a great weekend, safe in the knowledge it will probably be better than mine.

Anyone want a puppy? lol

Published on Leave a comment on It’s Official, redundancy…

After a couple of months of bumbling around, fumbling with information leaks, ignoring pleas for more information, to help the affected people make good, informed decisions, Fedex have finally confirmed they are making us redundant.  From the first meeting at the start of January we all knew the "process" would end this way. And it seems those in the know also knew this would be the case. With unofficial information coming from all directions, the writing was on the wall. Just not in the communications from the company.

Before I go any further I just want to make these points. My point of contact throughout this process has been respectful, supportive, and considerate from start to finish. Getting answers where possible, and always being available to speak to.
I would also add that the redundancy compensation package is above and beyond what statutory rights demand. And for that I am sincerely grateful. Sadly that is where the compliments end. 

It has been clear throughout that decisions were made long before they were communicated. And that is where the process for me really starts to fall apart. Now I am not going to get into the intricate details, and guess who at what level knew what when, but it is blatantly obvious from some of the leaks of information, the roadmap for the company etc, that things were known long before the end of last week.  In fact staff at other locations have been notified a few weeks prior, but even their demise was clear as day on the information available.

I think the bit that really bites for me is the absolute lack of consideration for peoples mental health. Hearing you "might" be made redundant, then being left hanging for months is poor. Especially when the most support you get is "here's a link to the EAP if you want to speak to someone". People didn't want comfort, they wanted answers. 
When can I start applying for jobs?
When will I be leaving?
Those were the main two I kept hearing over and over.  Even being made aware of someone who had panicked and found a new job, only to be told that as they were still in the consultation period, and not officially being made redundant yet, that if they left to start the new job, they would be treated as if they had resigned and receive no redundancy.

Now, call me daft, but most people on hearing they are going to lose their job, automatically start looking to secure a new job as soon as possible. The problem here of course is the time line. Having been told THREE months ago that we "might" be made redundant, and the announcement containing more than a hint of it being a certainty, some wise people, including myself dare I say, started looking for new jobs. The problem was of course that when the potential new employer said "great, you have the job, when can you start", your response was nothing more than a blank faced shoulder shrug, and a "dunno". It is not a nice situation to be in.

Having experienced it first hand a couple of times, being told with no solid available date, they could not advance the offer of employment, I can confirm its a shitty feeling. Both being at the will of a company who is making you redundant when they are good and ready. And of course to appear to be recklessly seeking work while having no idea when you can start. Added to that of course is the 12 week notice period. Again something some employers are not willing to even entertain. Now of course this 12 week period is flexible as it is the time the company is required to give employees. So if you needed to leave sooner, that could be discussed. 

The problem of course is, until last week the 12 weeks had not even started! So a lot of people have waited three months to be finally given the news they have been waiting for. 

Of course there are two sides to every story, and you have to at least consider the position the company are in. The whole transition of services from one depot to another, replicate over and over across the country has to be carefully planned. A logistical nightmare I imagine, and from an organisational standpoint, a massive task. The planning that has gone into the shift is mindboggling.
Then of course there is the rollout of it. Obviously the process started somewhere with someone and the first team affected by it. So of course giving notice like that has a ripple effect. The mere mention of redundancies shoots through a company like a shockwave, and regardless of "please don't tell others about this", it is inevitable. 

With this in mind, I get that there was a need to say something was early as they did. The problem of course is, from that point on, there was no information for a large number of people. From back office to customer facing, there are a lot of jobs affected by this move, and a lot of people were left hanging. We are all different people, with a wide range of circumstances, so there would have been tens of dozens of different reactions. I know for sure that a lot of questions were asked, by myself and others. And while most will assume the number one question was "how much", I can assure you the majority simply wanted to know when!

Again, from the companys perspective, telling hundreds of members of staff that they will not have a job from six months time is potential productive suicide. Knowing you could face a wave of resignations, mass sickness etc. So in that regard it has been a smart move. The masses waiting for their redundancy pay-outs, and only the expected few have decided to make the most of going sick. Of course I am sure this is due to the stress and anxiety caused by the news... Or maybe not?

The biggest issue for me all along has just been the when. Not the why, that is not my problem. The how much was simply a formality, and again due to leaks, it was obvious early on how much the pay-out would be, and I am certainly not complaining about the number.
I have to say, for the main part I have been very fortunate with the "when". With a few roles I have applied for either being fine with the delayed start date, or the recruitment process being so long, a start date would not be affected by the delay in being given notice by Fedex. 
I have certainly been luck in this regard, and even luckier to at this point be moving forward with two job offers presently, neither of which is impacted by the timeline. 

Having looked at it from the other side, from the company perspective, and respecting as much as I can the reasoning for the delay, I now want to look at from an alternative perspective of my own. One that is talked about in this blog a lot. The perspective of the anxious mind. 
Going back a few years there was another wave of redundancies, and even though it was quite swift, the process was very stressful for me at the time. Wondering what I could possibly do next with my life, rejected from employment after 20 years of service (at that time), to old to learn new things, financially insecure. It shook my world hard!
Thankfully I am in a much stronger position now, in all regards, but I can't help feel that there are some out there who are going through lows at the moment. I cannot imagine how that level of uncertainty feels over such a long duration, and can only hope that everyone else affected is strong enough to weather it. At least we have dates to work to now, and can actually start to plan.

Now that the clock is finally ticking down to zero, and we know when zero is, I feel.... Well I feel free!
That is the only way I can describe the feeling really. Soon my employment with Fedex will come to an end after almost a quarter of a century. I have worked for the company for almost the same length of time I had been alive by the time I came to work for the company. Half my life spent working for the same company, most of it with the same team too. 

Speaking of the team.... Haha, biting my tongue here, that can all come later, but rest assured there will be more relief than sadness when the last day comes. Let's park that there for the time being eh. 

So back to how I feel, and what comes next. Now I have dates to work with, my plan is to take some time off before starting anything new. Work on fitness, mental health and hitting the reset button before I start my next adventure. The jobs that are in the pipeline are not necessarily the ones I will end up doing, I am still looking at other options, and the time off will help me make my next move with confidence.  I have looked at a wide variety of jobs and industries, and only gone with the ones that interest or excite me. 

All I can say now is cheers for reading, here's to new beginnings, a new adventure for everyone, and wish the majority of my fellow colleagues all the best. There are of course exceptions to that, and they either know who they are, or are so oblivious to my feelings towards them, that it explains why I feel the way I do haha. 

Right, enough waffle, I have a life to plan. Take care all

 

Published on Leave a comment on Today was a good day…

In the words of Ice Cube!

I am usually pretty quick at writing entries when things are going wrong, or I feel like moaning about something. However the positive posts are fewer and further between.

So today I have decided to change that up a bit. As my previous entry said, not a lot is happening right now with the whole redundancy thing, and it was starting to grind my gears a bit. With a few irons in the fire, and waiting for things to fall into place really starting to drag me down a bit.

So today, I had a job interview /assessment day. And with no further bullshit or drama, I was offered a job. I am not going to go into details about it right now. A few people know, but for the time being it's just "a job offer".

In the grand scheme of things, it is not my first choice of role. However it is one I am more than happy to run with (or I would not have applied for it, duh!). Let's call it a favourable second choice.

The main thing here is, my first choice role is progressing, I have passed most of the necessary stages to get the role. However there are a couple of things beyond my control left to happen before everything falls into place. As I cannot be 100% confident that it will all work out, it is nice to have the 2nd place role secured as a fall back.

I even confirmed with them that I have a flexible start date, to allow for the uncertainty of the actual date of redundancy, and to allow me a little wiggle room for a breather between jobs when the day comes.

This is just the news I needed to settle things down  a bit, and give me a little reassurance that whatever happens now, I have a job to move onto. I have income, something to do that I actually interests me (either role for that matter), so I can breathe easy on that front at least.

Two months ago, just after we went back to work after New Years, we were told we were being made redundant.... Here I am now with two job offers, and dare I say I am still keeping my ear to the ground and looking for other options and ideas. Until the day I actually finish with my current job, I shall keep my eyes open for any opportunities that appeal to me.

I was actually offered an interview for another role last week, but the time lines just don't work for them at the moment, due to the 12 weeks notice period. But who knows, things might change and I might go after that one instead. It was actually a lot closer to home too lol.

So after a long day of tests, medical, assessments and travel, I came home to find the dogs had managed to get into the front room. Damnit lol.

Right, im going to bed. My brain needs to process and archive today.

Published on Leave a comment on So much NOT happening!

Good question, I was wondering the same myself to be honest, as at times I have lost it a bit. First of all I can't believe it has been over a month since I last wrote an entry here, that feels insane. And for my own sake, right now, is probably a little too long for my own sanity. Writing has always been the way I process things, and is the reason I always encourage others going through anything to do the same. 

Anyway, let's have a quick catch up shall we. Now, where do I start.....

Let's start with the fun stuff, the warm and cuddly kind. The puppy, aka Freyja, aka Monster, aka Snooty Toots, aka NO!!! Puppies are always hard work, even at the best of times, but I have to say she has really pushed some boundaries to say the least. House training... getting there, but still struggling a bit some days. Protest pees and poos when she is told off or not given the attention she wants. Occasional crying when we go out. This seems to be increasing at the moment, but is very much a random thing. Some days, 4 hours no problems. Other days, within minutes of walking out the door. Sometimes its a little moan. Other times it can last half an hour or so. And her latest trick, stealing and eating things. Silicone spatula, fish slice, oven mitt.... Just to name a few. On the plus side, it means the surfaces in the kitchen now are much clearer and cleaner. 

So yeah, that is a bit of a challenge right now, and has tested my patience of late. I won't say I am ashamed of being mad at her for it, just a little disappointed. However, with everything going on right now, she is kinda the straw that is threatening to break this camels back. Obviously with me being home for work all day (at the moment), I have a lot more time and experiences with the little shite than Ann does, so I guess it would be unfair to say I am dealing with the lions share, as it is just circumstances and not choices. All the same, some days it is exhausting me, mentally. Then when anything happens when we are both home, I get all precious and feel overwhelmed by it all. 

So I guess I better get to the juicy bits really. Starting with the big bit, redundancy.
I had my second consultation meeting yesterday, and was given a little more information on the situation. A settlement figure for the actual redundancy, a guide of how the timeline would go, and the opportunity to ask questions about the whole process. 

I think the important thing to clarify here is, although we were put on notice of possible redundancy in the second week of Jan. With the knowledge of course that it was actually certain redundancy, but there is a process and all, I know, I know. Either way, notice of the process beginning was given at that time. SO week two of 2024 we were given the notice. We are now on week 11, nine weeks later, and the second meeting has happened. Important to note that there was a first official meeting at the start of Feb.

Yesterdays meeting as I say had a bit more meat on the bones, however technically we have still NOT been officially made redundant, or started our notice periods. The carrot continues to dangle, the uncertainly continues also. What do you tell potential employers about your availability to start a new job. Just take a guess, ballpark it and hope it doesn't affect your redundancy pay-out? Some have decided on some interesting ways of dealing with this whole experience, as expected!

As it stands I now know what I will receive when the time comes. How long the notice period is (12 weeks) and that there MAY be a portion of that paid in lieu of notice. However at the moment I am setting my sights on having to work the full 12 weeks, so any days or weeks I don't have to is just a bonus. The timeline is a little confused by the way the roles at various locations are tapering off, with the last of them being about eight weeks away. The suggestion is (as expected) that there will be a handover period, and a passing of any relevant information or training required.  I guess we wait and see about that.

Now we get to the important part.....me! Me, me, meeee!
Obviously for the past couple of months I have been dipping my toe in the frigid waters of the job pool, seeing what is out there, considering what I can do, and trying to find roles that interest me. The most important thing is I want a sense of playing a part, being involved, and making a difference if possible. Of course I cannot be sure to what extent I can achieve those things, however I want to do something that allows a certain level of job satisfaction, much as my current role does. Being able to help a customer, impact on someones day, or even shape their future. Time will tell I guess. 

I have applied for a few jobs out there. One or two knock-backs, but more positive than negative responses. Having passed the application process for one role I am very interested in, I am just awaiting a provisional offer now, to continue the process. Hopefully it will not be too much longer before I hear back from them, and can accept, and then start the daunting process of references, medical, and vetting. *gulp*

A few other roles are still in the application process, with assessments due soon. I will see how they go, and adjust my horizons accordingly. Annoyingly the notice period, and leaving date from my current employer is not the only pinch point right now. With the waiting period for the primary role I want being quite a long one, that impacts my ability to accept others offers made in the meantime. It is out of my control, and could still all end in tears for me for that role. However I would rather delay making any other moves until I am sure of the direction the primary is taking. After all I am being paid redundancy, so have a certain cushion to allow me some thinking time. No point rushing into misery, just for the sake of securing A job.

All sounds a bit messy doesn't it? Which explains going back to my first point, why my brain is in a bit of a funk right now. The smallest things are turning into big deals, and I suspect that is due to some stress being caused by the other things going on. 

A quick recap at this point..

Puppy from hell terrorising me. Awaiting confirmed redundancy date from work. Awaiting provisional job offer from first choice role. Head in a funk caused by all the above

I think that summarises it nicely so far.

Now I have gotten all that out of my head and onto a screen, I can see what is going on, and how normal it is to be overwhelmed by little things. I think that is always the way, and some people would do well to understand and appreciate. When you feel there are little things bothering you, getting you down, and upsetting you, a lot of the time it is because you are dealing with something else far worse or demanding, and you are simply mentally exhausted. So the slightest little thing sends you over the edge or off on a mad one.

In short I have a load of really important stuff happening all at the same time. Uncertainty, insecurity, confusion and curiosity to name but a few. I am temporarily out of control of my life, and that is not something I am familiar with or comfortable with, so it makes sense that I feel the way I do.
In the meantime I am trying to focus on keeping myself sane, practising mindfulness whenever the opportunity allows. As well as trying to get a grip of my fitness and physical health for whatever may lay ahead of me. I would like to start whatever role I go into with the best possible fitness, and the outlook to improve on it from here on in. 

Hopefully the next few weeks will see some certainty return, and the road ahead will become a little clearer. One thing I can say wholeheartedly is that whatever the next step is for me, I am ready for it, "excited" for the change, and looking forward to learning new skills, and doing new things. 

Now I just have to hope and pray that the poop machine of a puppy can get her act together in the next 3-4 months, and that we can go back to them being OK being left alone for a while each day. Guess I better get practising with all that. 

Thanks for reading, and if you are one of the people I have leaned on recently for a little sanity check, and venting session, thank you so much for taking the time to be there for me, you know I am here for you too.

 

  

Published on Leave a comment on Cryptic update…

It's been a few weeks since we were told about the up and coming redundancies, and as the weeks have passed it has become more and more clear which way things are going. 

Long and the short of it is, the jobs are going, no two ways about it. Not being transferred to other department or roles, this is, THE END!

Obviously from the point of hearing the news I was keen to start exploring options of what was next for me. It has really been an eye opener for me to look around the job scene, see what is out there, and what pays what.

The biggest question for me all along has been what do I want to do next? Do I want another office role, do I want to remain working from home, or do I want to do something totally out there. So different that it would shock people, such a change from my norm it would give my mind a complete reboot.

I have to be honest, a lot of things have passed through my mind in a very short space of time, from retraining, to just sticking with what I know, and a thousand things in between. Options thrown up by friends, idea tossed about, dream roles revisited, it really has been a whirlwind.

Now it gets a bit cryptic here, and I make no apologies. Those who know, know. Those who don't, don't for a reason. Simple as that really.  
One of the things I have taken away from this whole situation is how calm my mind has been, and how focused I have been able to remain with so much going on around me. As I looked into different opportunities, I actually found myself giving myself credit for how level headed I was being about thing. Shocked by my lack of panic and spiralling out of control I decided to dive down a rabbit hole and test the water.

Much to my surprise yesterday, my head emerged from the other end of the rabbit warren, unscathed and feeling energised by the journey. Feeling like I had really done all I could to try and do something new. I have emerged into a new world, where for a while at least I have no control over what happens next. I may be picked off by a bird of prey in seconds, or I might continue to live a happy life full of new experiences. Time will tell. 

All I know is, I was in control of navigating the tunnels of the warren, and getting to where I am now. And whatever happens next is not down to me, does not reflect on me, nor does it define me. I have no idea how long it will take me to find out if I belong in this new world I find myself in, but until the control is handed back to me, I shall just enjoy the moment, and be proud of myself for making the journey. 

In the meantime, we await further information about what is happening at work. There are more meetings expected soon to discuss a timeline for our departure, what the package is, and any other weird and wonderful details along the way. My only hope is that this part of the process does not interfere with me moving forwards, and that the dates align with whatever the universe has in store for me. 

On another note, I hope all those I care about are coping OK with the information they have thus far, and remain right here to offer any support I can to those who might be having a tough time of things right now. 

Published on Leave a comment on Four years of silence!

Aaah the bliss. But sometimes it's a little awkward.

What am I talking about? Sorry, it would make more sense if I explained. I have written about this before, but thought I would touch on it again as a periodic update more than anything. With a couple of little things I have noticed along the way. 
So, my phone has been set to silent (not even vibrate) for almost four years now. Occasionally if I am expecting an important and imminent call I will put the ring volume back on for a short while, but that had been about it. 

Instead I rely on notifications on my watch for a small handful of applications, to let me know if something needs my urgent attention, but other than that, silence! And its bliss!

As a reminder of how life used to be with the phone constantly screaming for my attention like a little child, the other phone I have for work is NOT on silent. It doesn't often get a notification, but when it does OMG it is irritating. Even the most simple of notification sounds is jarring against the silence I am used to. Obviously when I am working it is important that I deal with things in a timely manner, so it is a necessary evil, but also a constant reminder of why I choose not to have my phone notifications turned on the rest of the time.

Having just the bare minimum of notifications gently vibrate my wrist, showing a glimpse of the message, so I can decide whether or not to interact with the message, or just let it wait til later is perfection. Not only while busy driving or out for a meal with a friend, but also while running, cycling, even walking. I can stay in the moment and focused on what I am doing, rather than constantly stopping, checking, responding, and being dragged into the temptation of the other apps on the phone. 

Of course if it is an important notification, such as a call from a close friend I will respond immediately.
The downside of this of course is sometimes I miss a call, maybe I am away from the phone and don't see it ringing, and the watch is out or range too. Or simply because the notification is so subtle, I simply don't see it. Fair to say though, if it is urgent, the person will usually call or message back, and I will see it. 

Like I say, I have been doing things this way for four years now, and I can honestly say for 99.9% of the time it's the best way to be. Just on the odd occasion seeing a missed call, one I would have actually answered, frustrates me a little bit. But the occasional missed call is worth the silence the rest of the time. And to be fair the percentage of calls I answer is minimal anyway, happily letting the majority slip off to voicemail is fine with me. 

For the rest of the time, the silence is bliss, and my mind is able to disconnect from the whole "always online" mentality most of us are cursed with these days. Not to say I don't have my moments, spending far too long scrolling, after getting sucked into social media by a simple notification. 20 mins later wondering what I achieved in that time. The answer to which usually is absolutely nothing other than burning my eyes staring at a world of falseness and fakery. 

Quite often I will go on bike rides for 3-5 hours, feel my watch vibrate, see my Garmin headunit pop up a notification and just ignore it all. That time is MY time, not for being there on demand for responding to the most trivial of messages. Gone are the days I will start a reply "sorry for the late reply", unless of course I genuinely am, and the subject matter commanded a more urgent response. But I am not here for the sole purpose of serving others, being their sounding boards, and muse while they are bored. My life is for me, and to share with who and what I choose, when I so choose to. God I sound grumpy today. 

But it is true. Everything is on demand these days, including friends so it seems. There when they want you to be, but without the sentiment being reciprocated. Here when I want you, absent when you want. Well, quite frankly, fuck that!

I am always there for my nearest and dearest, and if you have afforded me your time and patience when I have most needed someone there, you will know that I will always be there for you too. I hope it goes without question that the people I care most about, know I am always here for them, if you don't get a reply, just bombard me, please!

Wow, off on a bit of a tangent there for a moment, but making an important point of how these things fit into my mindset and the way I live my life these days.  Anyway, back on track again now just to sum things up. Turning off notifications is not for everyone I know. For some there are too many variables in their lives to make it a viable option. However for others it is simply a matter of taking back control, shunning the FOMO that seems to have become a thing these days, and just focusing on yourself for a bit.

Try it for a few hours, a day maybe, see how it feels. Different phones and OS's allow different levels of personalisation of how to quieten things down. Leaving on notifications for important apps or people, while shutting the rest out for a bit. Take some time to yourself, maybe practise some mindfulness. Did I mention the Calm app? Great for spending some time with yourself for a bit.
So go on, see what freedoms your devices will afford you, and try it. God knows people are trying all the other popular and cool stuff, like giving up booze or meat for a month. Even pretending that they are going to go to the gym this year, and instead just giving the gym owners a financial boost for a few month.

Right, that is it for me, I will now switch my notifications on for a bit so I can see and respond to any messages and comments about this entry in real time!
I'm joking of course, I love the comments etc, but really don't write these things for them. Instead they are mainly for me, with an added bonus of helping and influencing others from time to time.

 

Published on Leave a comment on Life is like a pond….

OK I was doing a meditation session on Calm today, and it was about finding your ground, your home base. Some of the wording took my mind off on a tangent for a bit, and this is what I came up with. Bear with me, it's a bit weird.

The other day speaking to a friend I was trying to find an analogy for the course of anxiety. Before doing something the anxiety starts, then a wave of uncertainty, a lasting feeling of doom, and eventually it settles down. A bit like Jenga, removing a tricky brick, the stack starts to wave, there is a possibility of collapse, but usually it settles.

Unfortunately on Googling it, I was just repeating what has been said before. Damnit. I was so sure that was a great new thing.

Anyway, back to today. I made my own up. Well truth be told I haven't Googled this one yet, but I like it anyway.

Imagine a pond. Beautiful clear water, at the bottom hard rock. Between the rock and water lays a layer of silt. How thick that silt is is individual, as is the depth of the water. But underpinning the whole thing is the rock. Definitely there, although sometimes it feels like it's all loose silt.

Most peoples anxiety ponds is deep water. A thick skin so to speak, able to absorb shock and weather the storm. Occasionally the winds really pick up and cause the water to become unsettled. Deep below the surface on the most extreme of these days the silt gets kicked up a little, and for the bottom few inches of the water it gets a little cloudy for a while. As the storm passes and the water become still once more, the silt settles again with ease, leaving our pond crystal clear again.

However for some of us, the silt is deeper and lighter, the water much more shallow. The shallower our waters, the more vulnerable we are to things becoming unsettled. Anything more than a gentle breeze and the water gets moving, stirring up the silt. Within minutes leaving our pond thick and cloudy. Now even the slightest of breezes keeps the water moving and stops the silt from settling.

Leaving our pond (mind) cloudy for prolonged periods of time, and never getting a chance to settle. For as long as there is a breeze, there will be no peace, no clear water, and no normality.

In a perfect world we could put more water in the pond, but that's just not how nature works. Instead we are left with one option.

That is what today's mindfulness session was about. Taking a moment, sitting still for a short time, and sheltering from the wind. Letting the silt in our minds settle, and allowing the way forward to clear.

Told you it was a bit out there. But now, that is my home base, that is my visualisation for meditation. Going back to my scuba days, I am familiar with silt kick up, and watching how it behaves. So I can picture myself at the bottom of the lake, listening to my breathing through the regs, and watching the silt settle, until my mind clears enough to carry on.

Hope you can make sense of it. Either way, I like it and that's all that matters.

Published on Leave a comment on Taking a moment…

It's fair to say it's been a bit full on over the past week. A lot to take on, a lot to digest, and of course a lot to do moving forward.

While we await the details of the cuts, confirmations that each of our roles is indeed being cut, and each person being made redundant, rather than redeployment, it is important to stay on top of things. Using the time wisely to make sure I am moving in the right direction if and when the time comes..

From what has been said, and how it's been worded, I get the impression that redeployment will be minimal. Having been told on the call to actively look for other roles ourselves on the HR site, it doesn't sound at least like there are going to be offers of roles. Certainly not for the masses.

As any regular reader will know, I have already started my own process and have an interview soon, so should it be redundancy for me, I will already be making moves in the right direction. Of course I don't see any job I apply for as "in the bag". It's a tough world out there and the likelihood of walking into the first job I apply for after 24 years is rather slim. But, got to stay positive.

Having spent the past week flogging myself with exercise, spending time doing the legwork to apply for a new job, and contemplating what comes next and how it will play out. I today thought it was time to come and sit in the countryside and breathe for a bit. Put the stress and over thinking to one side, and just be present for a moment. He said sitting on a bench in the woods by the lake, on his phone writing this blog... And yes my fingers are freezing!

Here it sit, breathe, and write.

I have to be honest, I have not given myself much time to think of the negatives, so wanted to take a step back for a moment and see if anything floated up. Is there anything in the background secretly worrying me? Does it just need time to come out? This is after all me we are talking about.

But it seems not. Of course there are things that rattle through my brain, maybe call it mild doubt and concern. My main things now are...

What if they offer me a role I can't refuse but hate?

What if the redundancy pay is really bad?

What if I interview really badly and can't get a job?

To be fair the last one isn't too big a deal. I'm not too proud to take any job I can get. Obviously I have preferences, and would like to get into something I can make a difference doing. But in the short term, I'm not afraid of hard work of any kind.

I, well we have had it really good for years now, especially post Covid. It has been dreamy working from home, and doing the role I have done. But I see this as an opportunity to break free of the restraints and take a step forward. So roles I am looking at challenge me in a number of ways. Precisely for that reason.

Well... I can't feel my hands anymore, so am going to head back to the car. But I think I have established that my mind is quite happy right now. Sleep has been good, I feel well rested and alert.

Now if we can just get a date for the one-to-one meetings, and it be soon, that would be amazing. That is really the only thing weighing on me right now.

Thanks for reading, I am going to go and try and get some feeling back in my hands.

Published on Leave a comment on And so it begins… First application.

First application went in today. Early days along the road, but keen to get things off to a positive start.

The past couple of days I have had a multitude of ideas and thoughts on what to do next. My main thoughts were, serve a purpose, make a difference. So I started writing up a shortlist of things that I liked the idea of, that I felt I could do, and that somehow gave back.

Right now money is not the focus, reward is. Achievement far out weighs finances, once the bills are paid of course.

On Friday I started a writing a list, fast and furiously, anything that came into my head. Roles I had previously considered by never tried, qualifications that I like the idea of having. Considering I don't actually have ANY qualifications, one would be good lol.

Thankfully I have also been blessed with input from people around me. Some bloody stupid suggestions, others with some merit. So the past 48 hours have been spent searching the internet, bookmarking pages, jotting down follow-up ideas, and from time to time actually reading up on certain roles.

Now it is fair to say, after a quarter of a century in the same company, I am a little rusty when it comes to most things about seeking employment, let alone the interview process, so that kinda terrifies me right now. Also, I have obviously spent the last decade or so avoiding people, so I think some of the jobs on the list might surprise people.

This afternoon, after a bit of discussion with Ann, a deliberation with myself I finally put fingers to keys and filled out an application. This was followed by completing and passing the first round of test. So technically I guess what I am saying is... I have my first job interview!

I am gonna put this out there early. As excited as I am about the role, I really don't think I will get it. First interview in over two decades, how could I possibly land a job after that? There are other mitigating circumstances too which make me think I won't get it, but time will tell.

So there you go, redundancy notice on Thursday, job interview by Saturday. I should also say the interview isn't today, I will be notified of availability for interview dates soon, but technically it's in the process, so I'm calling it.

Told you I would update you soon, just didn't think it would be this soon! Watch this space for more updates on this and other avenues I find myself down soon. Like I say, I would like this to be the one, but am not kidding myself for a second. But it's a process, right?