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Published on Leave a comment on Three years later, a look back and forward.

Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s official!

As of 8.15 this morning, I officially work from home.... Permanently! With the exception of infrequent meetings at the office, or location based training.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11.30 this morning with HR and my manager already, so was expecting news today at some point. However last night on checking my work email I saw a late email from HR saying they were trying to call me. I emailed an up to date mobile number to them in case they wanted to call then.

This morning I checked my phone and had missed a call from HR. The dread started immediately, and the playing of conversations in my head spun up to speed. Checking my email I saw one from HR saying my manager was off sick, and that HR would try to call me.

The first way my mind played this out was to think that the meeting would be postponed and the decision would not be revealed until all parties were on the call. This is my mind of doom we are talking about here.

Not giving my mind time to run away any further, I called HR back. She said that my manager was off sick at the moment and they had decided to postpone the meeting until he was back in the business.. The voices were loud... "I KNEW IT!" However she went on to add that she did have news and wanted to let me know that I would be working from home, permanently from here on in.

A meeting is still needed to formalise all of this and sort out the finer details. Notice for meeting at location etc. Not to mention any provision the company might make for my arrangement. So I still have a few hoops to jump through, but the main flaming one is done.

I guess at this point I am meant to feel some sort of emotion, however I feel nothing much right now, with exception of course to feeling like my anxiety has packed up and gone away. Most of it anyway. It is a relief, a weight has certainly been lifted, but there is no joy, exhilaration, or anything like that. Not yet anyway.

Now hopefully I can focus more on my own well-being.

Phew, that's better.

Thank you to everyone who has played a role in this. From advice, to counselling, general support, and of course for those in the business for getting everything done. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but now we are here I can see that every action has its part to play.

Published on Leave a comment on Getting things straight while I wait.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The year ahead – 2023

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on So, what now? What’s happening?

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Unexpected wobble!

I have been working from home now for...errm... 33 months thereabouts. In that time, since the initial testing the PC would work remotely, then returning to the office, I have only been back to the office once. That was to collect a few things I needed, just to clear out my desk so to speak. In that time a lot has happened, and as some readers of the blog will know, I have realised that working in the office environment has long been a source of anxiety for me, and was affecting my quality of life. Due to Covid and the whole Work From Home thing, I have literally had a news lease of life handed to me, being able to do my job, while not having to go to the office and be around others. 

Well, that WAS the case....
Yesterday, logging onto the work computer, username, password, enter.... Wait..... ERROR!
Hmmm, try again, ERROR!
Reading the error it said that "signing in on this credential is not possible, as we cannot access the required domain" In other words, the PC would not connect to my work network. Shit!!!

Thinking it might be an internet connection problem, I tried the alternative internet connections I have. I have a total of five available, so went through them one by one. Nope, nope, nope! Checking with people in the team to see if anyone else had problems, it appeared it was just me. Double damnit. Checking my other PC on the same internet connection all was well, so it wasn't that. Then I remembered, when we started working from home, one or two of the PC's got a little homesick and decided they wanted to be plugged back into the mothership, aka the LAN connection in the office. Once this had been done, they worked fine again.

You know what this means... I was going to have to go to the office. As soon as it became apparent, my anxiety went through the roof. I have spent two years battling to stay at home, I am 99% of the way there to be permanent, once work can commit to writing, but because of my poor PC feeling homesick, I would have to go in. Not how I saw my day going. Having told the team what the situation was, I started to get the bits together that I would need to take into the office, to connect, and check the remote access once there. Grabbing a bag, I spiralled into a blind panic, getting tangled in cables, becoming confused about what I needed to take with me, and could feel my heart pounding.

Now I know some will be thinking, "get a grip", but quite frankly, I have been trying to do that for years now, and prefer the way things work currently, without the need for added stress like this. It is the first time in quite a while that my mind has spun up and instantly out of control, and to feel that way again makes me feel physically sick and panicked. Finally getting myself as together as I could I headed out. As soon as I started the car, I could feel myself almost tingling with anxiety. Immediately wondering who will be there, who will see me, what will they think, what will I say, and so much more.

For the next 30 mins, driving to the office in quite heavy traffic, I kept having to bring my thoughts back to the moment, and stop thinking about what would happen next. South London roads are not the place to lose your concentration. Finally arriving in the area, I needed to find somewhere to park. A lot has changed around there in the past few years, and most roads are permit parking. Falling back to an old faithful space I got parked. Lifting the bag from the footwell, it felt 10x heavier than putting it in the car. Like my mind was trying to prevent me from going through with this. Locking the car and walking away, I could feel my heart racing now, sweaty hands, and a million thoughts rushing through my mind. Getting closer and closer, I just continued to feel worse. 

Seeing the building in the distance, I focused on the moment, and tried not to give myself time to think, walking quickly, reaching the door and hitting the buzzer before I could blink. After what seemed an eternity, the door clicked and in I walked. Greeted by a colleague I have not seen for maybe a couple of years, I switched on my game face, and instantly became my work persona. I could feel the switch, and can honestly say I really didn't like who I was being, but its the happy go lucky Michael they all expect, so that is the character I needed to play to get through this. Almost like an imposter, I chatted as I moved through the building, ticking off the social politeness requirements, before scurrying off to the old office and getting sorted. 

Walking into the office was a relief. Taking a moment at the door to see that no one was in there, and no other lights were on on the floor, I could breathe for a minute, knowing I was alone. As I stood there in the doorway, I felt a moment of relief, then a wave of familiarity. Not just from being back in the office, a place I have worked for many years, but also familiarity of how draining that whole routine felt every day. Running the gauntlet of the ground floor, walking into the office on the 2nd floor, and wondering which colleagues would be in the office that day, taking a minute between floors to gear myself up, and get my game face on, before becomes fake me for the next six hours. 

One good thing that did come from this whole "adventure" was the confirmation of how I feel about the whole workplace environment. This was not walking into a strange place, not meeting strange people, none of the usual things that we are anxious about. I was feeling this way purely in the expectation of the old "normal". Confirming that I am 100% not an office kinda guy. It was not all in my mind, it was not something I had made up in the early months of WFH, this is real, and it makes me feel mentally and physically ill. 

OK, I am in! Like a hacker from a movie, it was time to do my thing. Putting my backpack on the desk, and starting to unpack leads, peripherals etc I instantly realised I had screwed up when packing. With everything laid out on the desk, I realised that I didn't have my Wi-Fi dongle, therefore would not be able to test the remote login software to check the VPN connection was available. Great! So at best, I would restore my connection to the work network via a LAN connection, go back home and still not be able to access it. Thankfully I had one thing I could check. While at home with the PC not logging in, I was unable to sign into my work email on my phone. Once I had plugged the PC in and managed to sign in, I again tried my phone and to my relief, it signed in this time. Obviously something was blocking my user access to the network, and plugging in had sorted it. 

Seeing all my applications opening without issue, I didn't waste another second. I signed out, powered the PC down, and packed up, opting to leave the building the quiet way this time, bypassing all the other people, and avoiding the need to use my fake face anymore. Stepping out of the building and heading for the car, I felt like I had just pulled off a heist, and almost wanted to break into a sprint. I refrained of course. Getting back to the car, sitting down and taking a moment to settle, I could feel the stress draining from my body, my heart calming down, and felt like I could focus again on the things around me. It felt like an hour long panic attack was finally ending, and I was starting to regain control of my faculties. The drive home seemed so much more relaxed, window down, fresh air (as fresh as it gets around here), and music on. Picturing walking back into my home office and getting settled again. 

That was of course until I started wondering if it WOULD sign back onto the network remotely, would it work on my Wi-Fi, could I plug the LAN back in, or would that throw it all out again? Yup, classic over thinker, how to mess yourself up even when everything is well. 

I got home, grabbed a drink, and set everything back up again, opting not to use the LAN connection just yet, and see how things worked on Wi-Fi. I am happy to report that it all signed in fine, and I was back working again within two hours of it all going wrong. Quicker than most have managed I will add.

For the rest of the day I felt a little wound up, and more stressed than I have for quite some time. Looking at my HR and measured stress levels for the period they were all elevated. That was from briefly walking through a room of people before escaping to the quiet of a familiar office. The strange and sad part is though, that evening it felt like I had just got home from a whole day in the office. In need to unwind and relax before I could get back to being myself. 

It just felt so familiar, and as I said before, confirmed how little I like being in that environment.

Which brings me back to, waiting to hear back from work. Many calls have been missed now, and I still have heard nothing back from HR about the progress of my personal situation. Given that the not knowing caused a spiral and me to be off sick for a period, I was hoping it would be taken more seriously, but alas no.

 

Anyway, better get on.. Thanks as ever for reading. Normal service has now resumed. 

Published on Leave a comment on Just so tired!

The past couple of weeks now I have felt more and more lethargic in the mornings. Mentally and physically exhausted, and happy to just stay in bed all day of the opportunity were to present. My saving grace here is trying to build a routine for myself. At the moment I am off work sick, so part of my daily routine is missing, however I have managed quite well to substitute that section with cycling. Managing a good ride each day. 

In the morning I now find myself forcing myself to get out of bed, then making breakfast and a coffee, plonking myself in front of the TV and waking up slowly, before checking the weather and heading out for a ride. I have purposely scheduled my meds for 9am to make sure I am up and awake by that time, so no long lay ins. 

Once out on the bike I take it easy, and plod around, taking in the sights, keeping the brain busy, and getting some fresh air. But that seems to be my limit right now. Actually doing anything purposeful seems impossible at the moment. Focus is gone, attention span nowhere to be found, so trying to achieve anything which requires any of that is pointless and frustrating to try. 

I have said before about losing your flow mid sentence, we all do it, but I do it constantly at the moment, and it's the same for my train of thought. A blessing and a curse all at once. 

I am due to increase my meds on Monday which will be interesting, and also give an indication of what is causing my lethargy. It could be the meds as numbing my mind has always been an effect of them, or it could be the break in routine that is throwing me into a spin. Either way, right now I will just go with the flow, as the anxiety levels are dropping, sleep is improving, and general state of mind is better. 

I can't help but continue to feel that the meds are almost unnecessary, with anxiety levels having reached the point they did due to the speed at which work have dealt with the whole WFH issue. It still bothers me now, wondering what is going to happen, but alas there is still no answer on thay front. A full 10 days after I last spoke to work, not a single email to advise of what is going on. So still the cause of the spiral continues. I just don't get it. Thinking about it makes me anxious, sad, confused and angry all at the same time. As I have said before even a "we need to pass this up the line, hold tight" would be something, but nope! 

With the meds increasing, the wait continuing and the anxiety hanging on in there, I think this is going to be a long journey. While I am happy to wait it out, I just hope it won't be too long, as once I reach the point of questioning my own sanity, it becomes a whole different story, and depression starts to creep in fast. It's a cycle for me, and one I would rather avoid. So hopefully I will hear back from work next week.... How many times have I said that now? 

I am pleased to say Covid has been and gone now, and I am starting a bounce back physically from that at least. So the cycling is playing a part in helping me at least feel I can recover quickly. An important message for me right now, assuring myself I can bounce back from this episode of anxiety quickly too. Last time around with Covid it lingered for a while, so it's good to have shaken at least one monkey off my back. To be unable to get out on the bike right now would be crippling. 

 

Side note, I am sitting in the front room soaking up some morning sun, while watching the F1 while I write this. To write the above I had the sound on mute, as soon as I turned it back on, my ability to carry on writing dissolved. Focus, I just can't! 

Anyway, it's the weekend. Thanks for reading, and here's to a better week for news next week. 

PS, I'm off my for my flu jab shortly, if that doesn't knock me for six I will be surprised. 

Published on Leave a comment on Another step in the right direction.

Another day, another work meeting, this time with the boss. Following on from my email to work the other day, advising of me being signed off for a while, and asking for updates, we scheduled a meeting for this morning. 

In the back of my mind I planned to write out all the questions I had, and bullet points for anything I wanted to discuss, but due to a lack of enthusiasm to do much at the moment I never got around to doing it. 10 mins before the call I grabbed a pen and pad and sat and looked at it for nine minutes. Writing down one thing. Timescale. 

I have been lucky with managers of late, and my last two have been very supportive when it comes to the crunch, so speaking openly isn't an issue. The last time we spoke the connection was poor and we were cut off, so at the start of this call I checked we were good to go. 

It was nice to have a relaxed chat to start with, catching up about things, and discussing my current situation and state of health. How things are being handled by the doctors etc and what the plan moving forward is with that side of things. Before moving on to the nitty-gritty of the situation with WFH. 

The first subject was the general group / team WFH situation, and where it stands as far as the readdress of the decision. As a group the hope was to remain with WFH, but it appears when the assessments were done, the team was not really understood, and for some reason it was decided to return to the office. Since that announcement the manager and HR have been requesting it be reconsidered, and it appears that it is finally getting somewhere. The hope is apparently to have a decision on the group as a whole in about a months time. 

It was at this point I looked at my note and decided to ask about the time frame of my own situation, and if we were waiting for the group decision to be made before addressing my situation, or if we could push forward with it. 

Given the report is in, all parties concerned have confirmed they have seen it, read it and understand the information within, it felt like there was no need to wait for the group. With all the things that need to be considered for a group of about 16 people, I have a doctors report, requested by work, detailing what my situation should be going forward. The only consideration that really needs to be made is WHO is making the final decision, and WHEN they can take a moment to do that. 

It is fair to say that me and my manager appear to be very much on the same wavelength, and understand the importance of getting this decision made. As well as feeling this and many other decisions are taking far to long to make with no good reason. 

With all this in mind I decided I would try and set a deadline so to speak, and suggested that it would be good to hear something back before my sick certificate runs out. This would hopefully help me with my mental health situation, and bring me back to a level I feel I can function on, and return to work without any further delays or extensions to my sickness period. I feel that is a reasonable comment to make, especially as most of the anxiety is based on the lack of information that has been made available over the past six or so weeks. It is not a threat, more a statement of fact, that knowing what is happening with my work situation will have a profound positive effect on my anxiety, as it already has once, but for the worse. 

The plan now is for my manager to speak to HR again and chase them for their decision. It is likely that HR will need to speak to their manager too, in order to authorise a permanent change. In theory it is quite a simple thing to do, but I imagine there is a lot of paperwork to do, welfare, work place safety, equipment and other considerations. However I have been explicit in saying I don't need it signed sealed and delivered.... I just need an notice of intent for now. A "we will get this done", and then a rough idea of time and what will happen next. Rather than being left in eternal limbo, with no decision made either way, and the constant worry that there are plans being made against me. As stupid as that sounds, that is what my anxious mind says. 

I know HR are a busy bunch, and that even if my manager has emailed them this morning, a reply is most likely tomorrow now (Friday), so any movement on things is unlikely to be til next week at the soonest. Hopefully I will head something back towards the end of next week, any longer and I know already that the anxiety will reach fever pitch again, and we will start the cycle all over again. 

I am itching to get back into a routine again, work / life balance is fragile, and routine really helps with that. But for now I shall relax a bit again now the conversation has been had, and keep my fingers crossed that next week brings news. 

PS, writing later in the evening today seems to be the right way to go. Clearer mind at the moment. Been a tough day today finding the energy to get things done. Simple little tasks that have either gone ignored all day, or simply forgotten about. I tend to move things now to be in my way, so I remember to do them. Must fill the dogs water.... Put the bowl in the middle of the floor etc. 

Right, that's my mind fried from recalling all that. Heres to a relaxing weekend (mentally at least) 

Published on Leave a comment on Nothing makes any sense.

Really struggling today to think straight. Combination of fatigue and just not feeling right upstairs, more the latter I think. Slept badly last night, didn't rest as much as I should have over the weekend, eaten badly, stressed my body any mind over the past couple of days. And to top it off, decided to go for a run this morning, which in retrospect was a silly idea taking into account all the above! But hey, when will I learn. 

Really started the day off in a shitty mood, couldn't care less about anything right now, very much an "aaah fuck it" approach to the day. Not sure why my mood has taken such a swing like this, but I can feel it and it sucks hard! Even on the run this morning I kept having little mini stops, and the voices in my head just said "quit, just walk, fuck running!" I pushed back and finished the run, which usually gives me a sense of achievement, and lifts me a bit, but not today.

Instead I am hot, tired, and most of all distracted by my own thoughts. Unable to have much of a thought process, which makes working rather difficult for me. The simple tasks seem fuzzy, the smallest irritation is a massive deal, and my patience is absolutely non existent. Right now, my one desire is to curl up with the dogs in a dark room, have some gentle ambient sounds, and let everything else just dissolve away. No Ann, not you. Even the most simple of tasks turns into a fight for concentration. You know when you walk into the kitchen and forget what you went in for? Well, its the same process for almost any task I start at the moment. Pick up your phone, no idea why. Walk into the hall, forgotten where I am going. Open a window on the PC, now what, how do I do the task I am trying to do?
Hence hiding is preferential. 

I have wavered for the past few weeks about my state of mind, and how things have been since the little matter of WFH ending. Up and down is definitely one way of explaining it, but more accurately I would say pretty stable, just with the occasional fall of a huge emotional and mental cliff. It is hard to explain, it is almost like a switch being flipped, for no apparent reason, or so it feels. Maybe its just excessive mental load, that is the only thing I can put it down to.

Lots going on, fingers in all sorts of pies, meanwhile the worry of work rumbles on, and I think all put together it is just causing me to shut off from time to time, to in some way protect myself from dealing with too much in one go. I think it really becomes apparent to me when it starts to affect my "go-to" activities. Saturdays ride felt like far more of a chore than it should have been. Sure it was hot, and I ran out of energy. But the after effects of just wanting to hide for a bit in a dark room were not so much physical than mental. 

Same again with running this morning. I know I have felt hot and exhausted before. Reading through notes on previous runs shows that. But what gave in this morning was the mind, not the body. And to me, that sucks. Running and riding are my escapes. When all else goes wrong, I escape with them, but right now, my mind is pushing back, almost as if it wants to fall further and go deeper down the rabbit hole.

My response to all of this, well this is going to be tough for sure. Staying as positive as I can, and trying to remain objective is key. See through the distraction and darkness, and find the positives in all the situation when subconsciously I am trying to quit and shut down. Stay aware of myself and my feelings, and respond in ways which are for my own sake, and not that of others. 

The work part, well that is a tougher situation. On normal days it is bad enough to stay objective and deal with issues as they arise. But right now, with my head in a funk, dealing with an absolute shit show of a location, and with the WFH situation looming. Just the idea of logging on is an effort and one that feels counter-intuitive if my own well-being is my main concern.  I have my Occupational Health appointment tomorrow afternoon, so will have to write down some notes about what is going on. Otherwise right now, I would just be like a nodding dog, and have nothing constructive to add to the appointment. Which would be bad for me I am sure. 

So much to think about right now, the more I write, the more I realise, so I guess at least this is helping (as usual)

I will leave it there, and will start to make my notes for tomorrows appointment. Maybe feeling this way right now is a good thing, as it helps me see clearly how messed up my head is actually getting about all this. Ya think?

 

Thanks for reading. Here's to things getting better. Have a great week all. 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Lots in a little time

 

It's been a few days, and what a few days it has been! Walking, cycling, Zwifting and more.

After Tuesday things have stayed quite positive, with the occasional hiccup here and there. Biggest issues have been my back pain and crappy sleep, but more on that in a bit. Being back on the bike has been a massive help to me I think. Being able to free my mind of the dark and worrying thoughts for a while is always a positive start to a day. With a good hard real world ride yesterday, a lethargic Zwift session the day before, and plenty of walking in between, my head is a much fresher place to be.

Yesterday saw a call with my manager regarding my recent visit to the GP, and the outcome of that. The plan being to take these findings to HR, and arrange an appointment with the companies Occupational Health service, in order to better understand the impact of my situation, and to address any adaptations to the role or "workplace" to accommodate the recommendations. This is a road I have been down before with work, and one I am comfortable with. Even if the intentions of the first referral years ago were somewhat questionable, but lets not go there again!

The conversation with the manager was a very pleasant and understanding chat, which was quite welcome I have to say. While I am pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about my mental health, having a conversation with a new person about it can feel quite awkward at times. Thankfully I have known this manager a long time now, and it was just a matter of finding a common language to get the conversation started. By the end of the chat it felt like I had been understood, and we were on at least the same chapter of the book about what was needed.  A referral to OH has been made, so now I await an appointment and go from there. 

In the meantime I am due a follow up with my GP next week, but of course I need to chase this up as their appointment system at the moment doesn't show an appointment for me. No stress, just taking things one step at a time. Next week I also have a consultation with the local authority Mental Health team IAPT for an assessment for counselling and any other treatment recommendations moving forward. I remember the first time I spoke to them, and how hopeless it made me feel by the end of the conversation. So I am putting that to the back of my mind, and hoping for a better experience this time around.  What do we think they will recommend for social anxiety? A group session maybe? lol

All in all, as far as mentally anyway, things are on track. I mentioned to my manager during the chat the possibility of an assessment for ASD too, so that is all noted. Yet to see what the GP and IAPT think about this, and what the timescales would be. The next week or two is all about appointments, chats and assessments, then we take the next step, whatever that may be.

From a work perspective, it is recognised that changes may be needed depending on what OH think of it all. The biggest thing that came up again and again with my manager was the way working in the office with the "team" makes me feel, and how time away has made me realise that the office environment is probably THE biggest contributor to my struggles with anxiety on a day to day basis. Jeez just interacting on TEAMS is harder work than it should be at times! Fingers crossed the chat with OH which I believe is virtual at the moment (Covid rattles on) is good enough to put across what the actual issues are here, and not sound like a whiner.

My biggest fear at every step of the way, being seen as a work shy little whiny princess who wants it all his own way. I am sure anyone who doesn't understand anxiety (not just feeling a little anxious) will see it as a ploy to just stay working from home. To some, as it has throughout Covid, working from home is just for lazy people who don't want to work. Whereas in reality, with WFH I actually spend more time working, am more flexible with my time, and able to adapt better to changes in requirements. Only this week I was able to log on to work at 7am and get the day started much earlier than usual, which allowed me to help the team long before I was officially starting work that day. But hey, WFH is for lazy people, and isn't productive. 
Let's see eh.

Physically however the back pain has continued, which has led to poor sleep and feeling tired a lot of the day. I was not sure over the past week if that was mental or physical exhaustion, but as my mood lifted things changed a bit. However some residual lethargy remained, the product of crap sleep and dare I say poor diet too. Dealing with the back was first up, and today I visited Andrew Fung the awesome Osteopath, visiting him at clinic in Greenwich. Had a lovely little walk there with Ann from Greenwich Park, so arrived in a good frame of mind. An hour later, lots of popping and cracking from my back etc, and I am already moving a lot more freely, however will be following up with another appointment next week. It was good to get a professional take on how things were, and be assured that things are on the mend, so I look forward to my next appointment with Andrew next week. I won't pretend I am not left with discomfort at the moment, but am sure I will sleep a little better tonight, and hopefully get on the road to normal again soon.

The other side of things, the nutrition side has been bugging me for a few weeks. Just before France I stopped using the Huel I had been using for meal replacement. On the week or two running up to that time I asked the question openly if people thought the Huel could be contributing towards how I was feeling. Better sleep, more energy, resting HR dropping to an all time low for me (around 37bpm). Not convinced it was that, when I got to the end of the trial bag I had ordered, I didn't get anymore. But shortly after stopping, things took a dive. Coincidence? 
Well, we will find out soon I guess, as today two more bags of Huel arrived (with another free t-shirt). So from Monday I think I will be back on the shakes in the morning, and cleaner eating the rest of the day, and we shall see how things go from there. If things start to improve again I will be shocked and delighted, and of course a Huel customer for life!

For now, it's almost the weekend, the weather is looking great, my bikes are calling, and I can't wait to get some more miles in the sunshine in. Maybe even a ride with a friend, if I can find one! Haha

 

Have a fun and safe weekend all.