Having tried to avoid mentioning mums hospital appointment to her, its just been brought to her attention. Immediatly the defenses have started, and she has text a few times to say if she feels this ill on Thursday she is not going.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but are doctors not there to make people better. So if you are ill, you go and see a doctor....right?
So here we have the current situation. She is really tired and has no energy, her COPD is causing her problems so she cant breathe very well right now, and of course her cancer is coming back, so really she needs to see the Oncologist asap to get it all assessed and dealt with. However BECAUSE she is not feeling well she says she cant go.
Is it just me that thinks that all a bit mixed up. I mean its not like she has to walk or use public transport to go to the doctors or hospital. I will be taking her, and going in with her, so she wont be alone, or left to struggle from office to office.
I have said before I know, but have to say it again. I cannot understand, or relate to someone being ill but using that as a reason/excuse NOT to see the doctors. I understand that she is afraid of what they are going to tell her, and probably does not want to know if there is a finite amount of time left etc. I can definatly relate to not liking being prodded and poked, but at the end of it all there is one common goal.... Feeling better!
Surely regardless of what she wants the outcome to be, if she wants to fight the cancer or not, her main consideration should be quality of life, and comfort. In all honesty thats all I want her to have. I respect her choice, and if chemo and other treatments are not wanted, then I stand by her and will remain there.
However.... this is where I am coming from.
Its is upsetting to see someone just lay back and give up on life, especially one of your parents. It is frustrating to know there is help on hand, pain relief, and other things to make the last months/years comfortable, but to see the person refuse it. Possibly through not understanding what is available, possibly through fear of what they may find out.
And the part that tears me up, is the anger I feel deep inside, at myself for allowing this to go on. I cant find peace with myself right now, because of the conflicts within. Am I being weak for standing by and watching this happen? Am I pushing too hard and forcing her to take treatments she does not want? Its all rather confusing for me right now, and for that reason, I am at war with myself within.