Last year was a bit of a washout for me, not in a bad way, just I didn’t really have much free time to do a lot of the things I have done in recent years. And by that I mean cycle mostly!

With redundancy looming I didn’t really get out on the bike much at all, and to be fair summer of 2024 was late starting, failed to really get going and was over in a flash. Another great reason to have not been out on the bike much.

I did however do a lot of running last year as it was far more doable in the weather, and didn’t involve constantly washing a bike and maintaining it from being caught in the rain all the time. As a result of this my annual mileage was quite frankly piss poor, and my preparation for the winter months non existent. So it will come as no surprise that I really only got back on a bike last month.

Missing the winter prep is rough, as getting caught in a rain shower here and there, turns into being happy going out for an entire ride in the rain. Having a start to a ride in very low temperatures and feeling relief when the sun shows up and things warm up, morphs into being OK doing an entire ride in 0-3c degrees. Without that transition, it’s simply a no go.

Hence not getting riding again until the temp was at least 8-10c. But it is OK, I am in my flow now and happy to get out there, and hopefully I will be able to keep riding regularly on my rest days, and leave days right through the summer, into autumn and winter. I really want to get my miles up this year, and do some fun rides, especially now I have my little drones for recording some fun footage.

The most important thing here is having the feeling of wanting to ride, rather than the feeling of dread which has overtaken in the past. The obsessive determination to get to a certain amount of miles for the year etc. It really sucks the fun out of riding for me, so I am keen to avoid doing that again.

The gravel bike is serviced, the good summer bike is still waiting for its first ride of the year, and the commuter I bought is just sitting there doing nothing, and I am in the process of selling it. Impulse buy, losing money on it, but such is life.

Now I just need to find a sense of adventure and ride in some new places, explore a bit, and broaden my horizons as they say. I would love an international ride this year, but that remains to be seen. I would not do one solo, so just need to convince someone of similar abilities to join me for a little adventure. Maybe not AdH again just yet lol.

The weight loss is going well, I am close to my 12 month lowest again now, and hope to get below that soon, while at the same time increasing my fitness back to a reasonable level. I am aware that as the years pass now I am less and less likely to return to my peak numbers, but staying relatively fit would be nice.

Anyway, this isn’t the entry I came here to write, so I will wrap up here, and vow to get at least 2 rides in during my rest days and leave I have coming up. Hopefully a lot more than that.

Over the past few days I have found myself feeling quite low, more physically than mentally, but I think that has had a knock on effect. The difference my activity levels can make to my mental state is incredible. Every time I have a pause in my regular physical activity, I notice this, and have probably mentioned it before. In fact I know I have. 

So this time around my activities have led to my inactivity. After my last tour I had a nice long bike ride, my longest for quite some time, possibly for over a year I think. The result of this was to have a tight neck and shoulder the following day, and it has stayed with me for the past few days. Not wanting to irritate it, I have tried to rest the best I can, so haven’t really done much.

The knock on effect of this is that I kind of lost my motivation. Maybe not actually my motivation, but more my direction and routine. Getting up in the morning I usually have a schedule, nothing solid but things to do throughout the day. If I am off work or on a late I will go for a walk, run or ride. Without one of those activities I am at a loss, and struggle to fill my time productively. Not being productive makes me feel like I am in a slump. I guess it is the memories of feeling hopeless and just sitting around doing nothing.

Some like to use the term PTSD, referring to the lasting impact of events from the past. I am happy just to call it “bad memories”. I doubt it is going to change, and this is a cycle I will continue to go through for the rest of my life, or as long as I can recall my last episode of depression or anxiety at least. So I write these entries to remind myself that these little lows are not the beginning of what I think, but perfectly normal and a passing moment. Again, I am sure I have said this a number of times before.

As I write this, my neck is feeling better, I have a rest period coming up, and the weather forecast is looking good, so it is time to get going again and do something active. Release some endorphins and get some Vit D from the glowing orb in the sky. Bring on the summer, and having some adventures once again. Winter seems to have lasted forever this year, but that is probably because I did so little in the latter part of last year, and totally quit riding as soon as it got cold. Mainly because of training for my new job to be fair. 

This year I am hoping to stay active throughout the winter, and who knows, maybe even starting to commute by bike on some days. I was so sure I was going to commute to the new job by bike, I bought a new one just for commuting, and have never once ridden to work FOR work. I have however ridden to work a few times just to try out routes and get and idea of the timings and effort. Just to see what sort of state I get there in. Maybe as summer approaches I will… I hope so at least, as it ticks off the commute and morning activity in one. 

In the meantime I am managing to keep active enough to the weight down, which is definitely keeping my head in the right place. Running is feeling easier, or should I say I feel lighter and running is more enjoyable, so I am able to do regular’ish runs, generally using the morning of the first day of a tour to get a run in, but I would like to be doing more. Cycling however is always my go-to, as I travel further, relax more and see more, even though I know runs are probably better for me.

At the end of the day, I am a lot more active than I was years ago, healthier than I have been in years, but am aware that I am slowly aging. Not a bad thing, it is natural of course, and I am mindful not to push myself too hard just to appease the ego and maintain my PBs on things. I can still run at a pace I am happy with, my legs can still throw out a 1000w+ sprint, and my resting HR is still around 42-43bpm, so I am happy where I am. And so long as those activities continue to compliment my mental health, and keep me on the right track, all is well. So a little low for a few days while I recover is fine with me. 

It feels like it has been forever since I wrote a blog entry, so thought I would take some time in the wee small hours to get something written.  I have to be honest, things are good, I have nothing to complain about, all is going well. Health is good, mental health is good, weight is coming off, teeth are settling in, and so on.

I am still loving work so much, and as I get more confident, I am just enjoying it even more. I really feel a part of something special (which it really is), and get so much satisfaction from doing my job it is incredible. What’s not to love? Good people, great work place, and so so interesting and rewarding. Do I sound like a bit of a kiss up now? Haha.

Soooo, what else is going on. Well, the sun has finally shown its face, so cycling is back on the cards. Not that I have ever been a fair weather cyclist (til recently) but having not ridden through the winter this year, the acclimatisation to the cold has been missed, so it has been undesirable to get out there. But that has all changed now, and I am back clocking up the miles and slowly finding my fitness again. 

Speaking of fitness, I have dropped some weight and feel so much more comfortable now, every time I gain weight I get mad at myself and frustrated that I have done it again. But this time…. THIS time… Hopefully I can keep most of it off for longer, and maybe continue to lose a bit more, lets see. I am also trying to do some running to mix things up, and anything else I can to be flexible and healthy.

Oh, one thing of note, I thought of something in the end… A couple of years ago you may recall, while I was having my CBT, I was referred by my GP for ASD assessment. Well, that appeared to be the case, but during a recent conversation with my GP about another matter I enquired about the progress of the referral, having been two years. Much to my surprise (not) the GP said he could find no record of the referral having ever been made. A follow up to this from the practise confirmed the referral had never been submitted, but it had been put on now, and I should hear back shortly.

During my chat with the GP I said that if the referral was NOT already underway, then I was happy for it not to happen now, as things have changed for the better, and I no longer feel the desperate need to understand what is happening with me. Of course with any mental low that can all change quickly, so if it does still happen, I won’t be mad. However I appreciate the incredible load on the system these days.

I can’t really think of much more to say right now, other than I have some assessments for work coming up soon, and then my probation validations, which will hopefully go OK. Oh and that I am still really torn about booking a summer holiday… Mustn’t grumble eh.

If you know, you know. For those that don’t, meet Sian. My daughter, born way back in 1995 when I was just 21 (almost 22). Unfortunately things didn’t work out between me and her mum, and much as I had promised my child would never grow up without me, like I did without my dad…… Well shit happens.

Thankfully a good guy stepped in, and by all accounts she has had a great life, for which I am super thankful. However nothing quite fills the hole in my heart that living the last 26 years without her in my life have caused.

I’m not going to whine on about it, this isn’t a pity party. This is just me taking a moment to recognise I have a THIRTY year old daughter. Wow!

I really hope life is going well, and am so grateful to have shared the time with you that I got to.

Happy birthday, may the day and life bring you so many wonderful things.

Just a mini pity party… I spent many years in a terrible mental state, beating myself up about how it all worked out, but now I realise, this wasn’t my choice or my doing, I have always been here. There, said it! 😊

Finally back to work after a few tours off to heal from the dental surgery and all is well. I have joked a few times this year about “new year, new me” but I have to say I finally feel rejuvenated. I can honestly say that after a bit of time off, I have come back to work feeling supercharged and ready to go.

Now I should add I am writing this on my last shift before another two tours off, so the rest is not over, and I am looking forward more to this break than the last, as I have no surgery planned lol. So after that break, who knows what state I will return in.

I think the key here was the need to have a reset after training, a break away from the place to have a fresh start so to speak. I am sure others have come back to work after a long break and having to almost relearn the job, and remember everything. In this case it allowed my brain to reset a bit, and drop a few habits and thought processes. Nothing major, just I have more confidence and less self doubt now.

The mouth is healing well, my speech is up to a good enough standard to do my job properly which is a relief, and a weight off my mind. Not that it was ever bad after the surgery, but it was something I was very conscious of for the first few days. I have been overwhelmed and humbled by peoples interest, reactions to the “new look”, so cant wait to see what people think of the finished product. Not that it was ever about looks, but it’s one heck of an added bonus.

Where the last break was mostly spent taking it easy and healing the best I could, I wasn’t really able to do anything too physical, so no running or cycling, just long walks. This time around I am off to Wales with my wife and niece. It is the first time I have really spent any quality time with her.  And the best part is, it will be in the motherland (Wales), so I am excited to show her some of the history there, and take a walk down memory lane.

I have spent the last two decades or so visiting familiar parts of Wales whenever I could, and have always seen it as a massive reset. Taking my mind back to days gone by, when there was no stress, and some amazing adventures . It was always a nice break from the trials and tribulations of growing up in London in poverty. So with that in mind, whenever I get back there it always hits a massive reset button in my mind.

I am yet to work out a schedule for the visit, I am sure it will be quite busy, especially as one of the days is set aside for me to have my tattoo sleeve finished, hopefully anyway. Maybe with a little fun addition in the process. My niece has prepared a list of things she would like to do, so I want to do my best to accommodate that, and see if I can add anything else into the mix.

Also while I am off I am back at the dentist too, just for a check up and see how healing is progressing. The most exciting part of that is that I am also having a scan for my next set of teeth, which should be in the coming weeks. Word is that they will be a little less chunky, so my mouth should feel a little less full. Let’s see!

After the dentist and Wales, I have a little bit of time for me, to run and cycle, and start down my road back to fitness too. Something I am very keen to get started on, as the weight loss has slowed right down, and I really want to keep things moving and shift some more weight while getting some cardio fitness back again. After many years I am finally less bothered about big arms and chest, so am just focused on fitness, flexibility and all-round general health. Joe Wicks is my new best friend.

Right, this entry has been enough of an early morning ramble as it is, so I will leave it there. I am sure I will check back in with an update about Wales soon. Thanks for getting this far.

A year ago today, after putting in an application to the prison service, and passing the online assessments, I was congratulated by them and told I had passed and would be made a job offer… Knowing how short the prison service were, it was obvious that the offer would come soon, or at least that is what I thought.

Having applied for a role at one of the prisons,  it was common sense that if a vacancy came up in another prison in the local’ish area I would he asked if I was interested. Again, so I thought.

Turns out this is NOT the case, and rather than saying I am interested in vacancies within X mile radius, you instead have to actively search the job vacancies part of the government website, and continuously apply  for each vacancy.

In short the prison service have pool of people who have passed their assessments and are ready to go, just needing their vetting before being able to start. All you have to do is offer available roles to suitable candidates.

But no, that’s not how it’s done. No surprise then that they are desperately short of officers at this time.

In addition to this fact. I can also share that ONE YEAR to the day of passing my assessments, I received an email telling me “congratulations, we are happy to offer you a role at X prison”. Let me get this right… A YEAR?!

One whole year after applying, for some reason an offer was made. Clearly assuming I just sat around waiting for a role to be offered. If the roles were much desired and hard to get, I would understand it, but this isn’t a booking at an exclusive London restaurant, it’s a hard graft, high risk, and quite niche.

We keep hearing how the prison service is on its knees and desperate for staff, but meanwhile behind the scenes the recruitment is so convoluted people are applying, hearing nothing and moving on, just like I did. Bit of a dodged a bullet moment there!

When I did occasionally chase recruitment up, I was told they had no information to offer and just to wait to hear back with an offer. Imagine if I had just sat around, happy I was accepted and just waiting for an offer FOR A YEAR!

Thankfully as we know I applied to my current role and am happy as Larry now, and could not feel happier in my choices and the outcome. Of course it’s nice to know how many confirmed job offers I had from my applications in the end (4 out of 5) but seriously.

Even worse, this isn’t uncommon. I wasn’t forgotten about, this is just the process and others I know have waited the same time period. And no, it wasn’t for vetting etc, this was just waiting on an offer.

Just thought I would share that little story with you all. I could not be happier with how things worked out in the end. Thank heavens they didn’t offer me a role too soon or I might not have applied to LFB.

I have been updating a lot of things on my other blog recently , so thought I would pop over here and write a little update on how the grey matter is doing.

In August of 2024 I started my training for my new job with LFB, and finally passed out at the end of October. Since that time I have been working my probation period, of which I am still in, and gaining some confidence and experience in the role. I have to say at this point, even with the little hiccups here and there, I LOVE IT! It is the best thing that could have happened, and I really never look back.

Finally earlier this month, with dental surgery on the horizon I booked some time off, both to recover from the surgery, and to get some down time away from work. Originally planning to be off for two tours, I eventually extended that to three just to give my mouth a bit more time to heal. That has worked out well for me, and I feel mentally and physically recovered and refreshed.

My last day of leave was Wednesday, and yesterday I went to head office in Union St SE1 to start a Mental Health First Aiders course. Something that I have been interested in doing for a long time, and was fortunate enough to be offered it by the Brigade. A couple of years back, the idea of walking into the HQ of a huge organisation would have terrified me, let alone to go through the sign in process, and then walk into a room of strangers, introduce myself and then engage with them for a day.

So the idea that I am sitting in my parking spot right by HQ for Day 2 of the course is mind-blowing to me, and maybe to a few others who know me. There are no nerves, no concerns, nothing. Just passing the time until I go in and get settled for the day.

The idea of practising and doing roleplays does make me a little twitchy, but I am positive that that is something 99% of people feel, I mean, who WANTS to do roleplay other than actors haha. But none the less, they are a great bunch of people, and all there for the same reason as me. To learn to help others in moments of crisis.

Obviously the whole subject resonates quite deeply with me, and anyone who has read a lot of these blogs will know I used to work with the RCGP in London, helping give students experience of triaging and diagnosing people struggling with their mental health. Not to mention having had decades of experiences with my own mental health too. So to finally be able to be there for someone else is a great feeling.

I say this all based on Day 2 going well and me actually getting through the course. But at this point I see no reason it shouldn’t go well. There are some tough topics to go through, but the realities of mental health run deep, so all par for the course.

It has been eye opening to get others perspectives on their own experiences and opinions of all aspects of mental health, as well as very helpful and educational. It is too easy to get caught up in your own experiences and beliefs without considering it from other angles on it, so I am thankful for that.

Generally though, I am in a good place mentally, feeling strong and determined, with the drive to do everything I can to the best of my ability. Back to being hungry for knowledge and most importantly , to me at least, keen to get out there, exercise, interact and exist!

In the next week or two I am hoping to be a lot more active than I have been of late, and add the element of escapism back into my routines. More time to process, offload and refresh my mind, and a lot more self care.

Right, it’s pouring with rain, and I have a short dash to the office, so better get myself going now. Thanks as ever for reading, and I hope it has given some insight.

For the first time since August I finally have some time off work. Training all done, bedded in a bit at work to get used to the shift patterns and actual role. Formed a bond with the watch and so on, now it is time to have a breather from it all and relax. Or you would think that would be the plan!

Instead today is my first day off for this period of leave, and instead of kicking back and enjoying a couple of weeks off, I am getting ready for a rather dramatic and traumatic time. Dental surgery!

I have touched on this before, but wanted to revisit it for this entry, as it is the primary thing on my mind right now, and taking up a lot of mental energy. Not in a bad way, I am not dreading the idea or over thinking it all, well not yet anyway. However it is in my thoughts, a lot especially over the past few days.

Once the surgery is done, things will change quite drastically for me, so I have to prepare myself for that too. Not just the day of the surgery and the physical trauma, but after that I will be unable (advised not to) eat solid foods for a long period of time, to allow things to heal properly. It isn’t like I have never gone without food before. Having done Lighter Life for 11 weeks of abstaining from solid food, I am aware of how it feels, and the challenges I faced.

However, after the festive period, I am also ready to drop a bit of weight, so this comes at an ideal time. Shakes and soups will be my intake for probably the next couple of weeks, if all goes well, I will try and maintain that intake and continue to lose a bit of weight.

Obviously I will also need to rest for a while, but am keen to get active as soon as possible, especially while I am off work, so I don’t go stir crazy and get cabin fever. That is NEVER good for the  mind and mental state. So I need to find the right balance for mental and physical stability.

One thing I have noticed recently is that I sleep.. I can now do 8+ hours without too much of  a struggle, but am mindful not to go too far and end up staying in bed all day, as lovely as it feels at times. The quality of the sleep has improved too and I can only put that down to feeling in a better place mentally  recently.

That said, it could be to do with weight gain too, so I will be keeping an eye on both metrics over the coming weeks to see what affects what. I am NOT expecting to sleep well over the next few days after the surgery, however I am open minded about that, so lets see.

Right, I am off to write another blog on my other page, with some more info about the surgery. You can find it at www.michaelsnasdell.co.uk

Bye for now, post-surgical blog to follow, tomorrow maybe.

Weird start eh, but it comes from the title of the documentary I just coincidentally watched before writing this. A story about the DJ/Artist Avicii who while seeming to live an amazing life, struggled with his identity, which ultimately cost him his life, and his family and friends a loved one.

Now I am not going to start drawing direct parallels here, as that would be disrespectful and inaccurate, however I can relate, and I will loop back around to that in a bit. But for now, I will get started on the blog I initially intended on writing.

A long, long time ago, nice years to be precise, I finally came out of a slump I had been going through. For the first time in a long time I found myself single, lonely and very confused about who I was, and what I was to others. The irony of the reminder of this coming from Facebook is not lost on me.

In 2015 a long term relationship ended. It was always going to happen, and that was genuinely not the cause of my sadness and depression. It was more what was going on around me. Looking on my Facebook I had hundreds of friends and connections I had made over the previous decade or so, but didn’t seem to be much of an outreach of support from many. Those I did speak to just confused me further, with the same old toxic bullshit you usually head around break-ups.

Then there were others who just caused confusion and damage to the new relationships I was forming. Starting rumours, spreading lies, and just telling me things that just led to more bad feelings. Eventually one evening, while feeling particularly shitty I decided enough was enough.

500 friends on Facebook, barely 5 who knew me properly, let alone cared enough to reach out and be supportive. Why do I need this in my life. So late in 2015 I posted a dying swan post, saying I was taking some time out, deleting all my “friends” from Facebook and would hopefully come back stronger and more prepared for the world. After that point there was medication, time off sick, counselling and a lot more. Eventually around this date in 2016 I decided it was time to reconnect with a few people, so I reactivated my account, posted I was back online, and reminded people of what I had said previously.

I would NOT be re-adding people, sending out invites etc, instead I would let others add me. Not to be arrogant, but in fact to be genuine. Let’s be honest, how many times have you had a friend/follow request from someone you either barely know, or really couldn’t care less about, and just pressed accept for an easy life. I didn’t want to be that “friend”.

Unsurprisingly the requests came in thin and slow, but that is OK. It takes a while to notice someone is active, I respect the consideration given before adding me, and I felt truly grateful for each person who made that decision that they wanted to be in contact with me. There were no goals here other than only to connect with people who had a genuine interest in me as a person, and wanted to be connected.

I must admit, I did browse people who I thought might have added me, only to see they had thousands of “friends”, and decided I wasn’t really missing much at all. People come and go, but true friends….. They are generally in it for the long haul.

Around this time I started to realise the true value of friendship, and how they do not always come from spending the most time with people, having the most in common, or any other common belief of what friendship is. They actually come from people being decent human beings, and sharing at least a single interest with you, and maybe, just  maybe being cut from the same cloth,

The four people in my life who I consider true friends all share a common strand with me, and that is being humble. Regardless of our roots, regardless of where we are in life now, we are all humble people. Our focus is on others, our intent is good, and our reward…. Simple, seeing another human being thrive and smile. There is NO greater reward.

Aaaannnyway…. 9 years ago today (roughly) I started my comeback. I wanted to be my authentic self. I was no longer tied to the constraints of who others believed I was, or expected me to be, I was me. I’m Michael!

So watching the Avicii documentary “I’m Tim” today just struck a chord. Seeing someone go from a confusing childhood where they struggled to form their identity, to reinvent themselves as a new persona (Avicii / Snazy) only to find a world demanding things of them to the point where their happiness became misery and the cause of all their problems was really relatable. The problem is there, in that moment, all those around you who want something from this persona are not willing to allow you to acknowledge your misery, as they would lose something, so everyone just perpetuates the lie.

Eventually, when the world falls apart around you, you have time and space to take stock, and if you are really lucky you realise what has been happening, and create some separation from it all. That is not to say that the ghost of the persona will not haunt you for a long time. Ironically, the domain name of this blog is that of my past persona, But I use that now as a reminder that Snazy will forever be the name for my poor mental health era. That is not to say I see it as a negative name, so if you use it when you speak to me, that is absolutely 100% OK with me. It is a nickname to many, and only a persona to some. There IS a difference.

Sadly for Avicii, all the money in the world was not enough to help him back to being Tim again, and his road ended prematurely. A great loss for many people, and I do not mean those who expected and demanded music from him. But those who knew Tim as a person, a friend or a family member.

Since Jan 2016 I have been through many phases, a few ups and downs with my mental health, but they have just come about naturally, and not because of pressures and expectations from others. Social media believe it or not has taken a back seat, and I prefer now to be a passive contributor, rather than some sort of active person people will then pretend to know and relate to.

Reading back through years of blogs, it is crazy to see how many times external influences have created such a bad situation, that I have spiralled to the point of anxiety and depression, and my main goal these days is to never let this happen to me again. I refuse to let people too close to me anymore. I won’t say I don’t trust people anymore, as truth be told I have never really trusted people too much. As I have always told others not to trust me.

Manipulation is human nature, and something I am quite good at myself, so I would be foolish not to expect it from others too. So that has always been my outlook. I take calculated risks, and as a recent one has proven, always be willing to lose whatever you give, expect nothing in return even if it is due.

What I am getting at here is, after nine years of coming back from the brink, I finally think I like myself, and have slowly grown some self respect back. I don’t need others approval, I don’t desire admiration from afar… I’m Michael, take me or leave me, I couldn’t care less either way.

Everyone close to me will get the same levels of respect and attention, anyone outside will get the colder more calculated me. No ill intent, just matter of fact. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I do wish well to those genuine individuals out there who find it in their lives and their hearts to take a moment to offer kindness and support to someone they have no NEED to, but simply choose to.

Take a little look inside at yourself, and ask yourself, would you help someone you barely know, with no offer of reward other than feeling good about what you just did? Be honest with yourself here. I am not judging, it is a tough thing to do, especially in todays world of mistrust and fakery.

Right, I am off to relax and be my authentic self for a bit. Share this on social media, then check in on some friends. Did your phone just buzz/bleep? 😉