Skip to content

Last day in the classroom today. Only a half day and most of it spent in the live environment for the first time. Talking to real people in need of help in all ways, shapes and forms.

Crazy to think 12 weeks ago I wasn't working at all. 11 weeks ago I walked onto the premises for the first time as an employee, and here I am today newly qualified to do a job that I have always dreamed of doing.

The last day has been one of mixed emotions. Being split from my training cohort, although we will see each other again on Tuesday for pass-out. Getting the opportunity to work on the live floor, and actually feel confident in doing so (with supervision of course). Not to mention saying farewell for the last time to the training team

I say last time, we all work in the same building and will be doing much more training as and when needed. But for this part, the new recruit side of things, that's it!

It was nice to chill out and have lunch with my new bestie. Although we will rarely cross paths from now on, but will of course stay in touch and annoy the shit out of each other as ever.

So that's it. The end of my initial training journey.

It's just the beginning. Next up is pass-out next week, where I get to show my nearest and dearest where I work now. Then a whole load of firsts.

First shift as a qualified employee with my watch. First calls with them, not to mention a whole load of firsts for types of calls. I really can't wait to get my feet under the desk and become as capable and experienced as some of the legends I have already met and worked alongside.

Here's to pass-out next week, and hopefully good weather so I can have a really fun experience at pass-out.

Ten weeks of training has flown by, but at the same time I feel like I have worked for the organisation for ages now. Every day feels so familiar already, yet I don't for one second resent waking up at 5am each day to start my day.

A typical day for me at the moment is up at just after 5am, get myself ready, and leave the house a bit before six... This allows me to beat the traffic, get out from under my wifes feet so she can start her day the way she likes to, and most importantly, it allows me to get to work, park, then start my day with a run or a session in the gym. Cardio, weights or yoga, as long as I am moving, I am waking up and preparing for the day properly.

For the past ten weeks now, this has been my routine Mon to Fri. And as I have touched on before, I am definitely feeling it now. This weekend I have done NOTHING... Nada, naff all, diddly squat! Because I felt my body and mind needed a bit of a reset.

Next week, aka from tomorrow, there are final assessments to be done, to formally start my probation at work. First tests are tomorrow, with my practical test being probably on Tuesday.. After they are done, I wait, we wait. Once all the assessments are done, we get our results and see if we have passed.

How do I feel about the I hear you ask. Well, to be honest, quite relaxed. I know I am not ready to fly solo, and I won't be for some time yet. However I have confidence that I have taken on board a lot of the information, procedures, and other bits that will help me be able to make time critical decisions when I need to. Will I get 100% and be top of the class..... Nope, I doubt that, but obviously would love to do the best I can, and feel like that will definitely be more than enough.

If all goes as expected, I then have a few days between passing and pass-out. Then a few more days before my first set of shifts. This time in two weeks I could /should be on duty, serving London with an amazing group of people.

I feel so lucky to have been put on the watch I have. Having done a couple of weeks with them already, I feel at home, supported and confident that I will grow and develop to be as awesome as them all one day.

Also, if I get the green light, I will have a change of shift routine too, which will allow me more time to rest, relax and do my own thing, and this five day week thing will all be in the past. If for no other reason, this is a great reason to make sure I shine come test day.

Three days on, three days off, rolling rota forever more. Unless of course that is changed, which is possible as an idea has been put forward. But for now I am happy with it as it is.

If the first couple of days of next week go well, on October 29th I will pass out from training and become a full on probationer til some time in 2025.

I'm sure I have said it a few times now, bit being made redundant from FedEx was a blessing in disguise. Since starting the training for the new role I have re-found my appreciation for people, being social, and have had my faith restored in how positive it is to work in a team. Let's hear it for good people.

There is a downside of course, there is always a downside. Every action has an opposite reaction and all that. I bid farewell to my bestie. She has been by my side for ten weeks now. We have had some amazing chats, gotten to know each other so well, and now our paths will barely ever cross again. 😢

But I know, or I hope I know... When the opportunity presents itself, when we have down time, or just need a rant or a chat, we will both still be there for each other.

That is not to say I won't miss the rest of the cohort too, of course I will. A room full of unique personalities who I have gotten to know so well over the past ten weeks. I will see more of some than others, and it will be good to exchange stories and experiences moving forward.

Even more exciting is immediately after we finish, another group start training, then another after them, so in the blink of an eye we will no longer be the newbies.

It has been a crazy, interesting, entertaining, amusing and sometimes emotional journey. And we have only just begun. Here's to passing what I need to, taking the next steps, and hope I never have to speak to any of you from work, EVEERRRR! But if I do, I'm on it, and I have your back! ❤️

Thanks to everyone who has been with me along the journey so far, I have appreciated all your kind messages and words, not to mention supportive chats when it has been needed.

Fingers crossed the next entry will be a good one. Thanks for reading as ever.

But the question is, is it my brain or my emotions?

Tough topic in training this morning, but par for the course. Talking about it to a friend after, I recalled how I felt hearing it all, and how a certain moment made me feel choked up.

Being out of the moment but reliving it was an interesting opportunity for me to gauge my responses, and see how I felt about it. I was reminded of my knee jerk reaction to such feelings, and the reflex to just clench my jaw and swallow hard, to almost swallow my emotions.

Where they go after that is a whole other matter, and one I feel inclined to investigate when the time is right and with the right person. The emotional reaction is there, I just seem unwilling or incapable of letting it take its natural course.

It is something I have done for many years now, and has never been about being a man about it, or trying to hide my feelings, but more a natural reaction, but one that swallows them so deep I never hear from them again.

Maybe if I was able to regurgitate and process them, I might be able to deal with things better and be more in touch with my emotions. Not a bad thing at all.

Food for thought and something to visit another day.

The Bra-Inn that is!

Phew, here we are, nine weeks in and my brain is full to the brim with information, processes and acronyms, but the main thing is I am still loving it. 

I only realised today that it has been forever since I last wrote anything here, which is a bit disappointing as I was so sure I would do regular updates. I guess I lost a little bit of passion with not being able to share too much information here, but in reality I am just a bit mentally tired. 

My routine for the past seven weeks or so has been quite relentless, especially given the sort of routine I was coming from. Gone are the five hour days starting at midday. Instead I am up at about 5.30am each day, and at work by 6.30. Training begins at 8.30 but a few reasons get me to the office much earlier than needed. 

Firstly mine and Anns morning routines. If I left it any later we would be tripping over each other. 
Secondly the traffic, if I leave much later than 6am, a 30 min journey becomes an hour at least. And the last thing I want to do is arrive at work stressed, I would rather get there way too early and be relaxed.
Third and finally, exercise. Mon to Fri I either go for a run in the morning once at work, or use the gym for an hour. Then have a nice relaxing shower, go to the mess for my breakfast, and start my day with a smile. Well worth getting up early for. 

Once I start proper shifts the routine will change quite a lot, as my start time will vary across the tour, and it is only 3 days. But I am ready for the change in routine for sure (I think lol)
I don't think it is the physical toll that is getting to me now, but more the mental one. Not in a bad way though. I haven't been this challenged, and this interested in something in decades, and am still really enjoying the whole journey. The hard part is absorbing any more knowledge.

Thankfully the flow of information has slowed somewhat, and what is still coming fits nicely into the gaps in other things we have done, so if anything it is the cement that will fix that knowledge in place. 

Both myself and my bestie are at the same stage of chomping at the bit to be let loose and get going with the real deal. While we are quietly confident about our abilities, I think we are both a little unsettled and curious to know if we really have all the knowledge we need. 

Truth be told, when the chips are down, I really think we do, all of us in fact. The processes are making sense, the support is plentiful, and the desire to get it right is strong. What more could you need?

At the end of the month we take our final assessments, and from there we are let loose, under the watchful eye of the rest of our teams. Having worked with mine for a few shifts previously, I am super confident that I will get all the support and encouragement I need, and will be flying solo in no time. Hopefully the rest of the group feel the same way, and we will all soon be doing a super important role, and helping keep people safe.

I really needed to write this quickly just to get some things out of my head. Apologies if it doesn't make a good read, or even make much sense, but rest assured me writing this has achieved what I wanted it to, so all is well. I will do a better entry with some more logical and relatable thoughts soon. 

But for now, thanks to my bestie for keeping me sane, and thanks to my wife Ann, as well as a few dear friends for being by my side all along. It is the true test of a friend to be there in the moments where you don't even realise you need support. These moments will be remembered for a long time, as will the people who were there for me over the past 8-9 weeks. 

Right, I am gonna go to bed, I have an early start, and a gym session in the morning, I can't wait.... *lies!

Let's cut to the chase.. As per my other entry, I passed. I didn't find the experience too stressful, although with hindsight maybe I was a little too relaxed?

90% was my score, so not to be sneezed at, and retrospectively, even though some scored higher, it is nothing to be disappointed about, and certainly not sulk about. Still not quite sure what happened that day, but all I know is I feel a lot better now, so only moving forwards.

Immediately after the assessment I knew a few little areas I might have not quite maximised on the points available, but doing a recap yesterday highlighted a couple more. Nothing major, just learning points and stuff hopefully I won't get wrong again.

Today we were told which work groups we are going to work on, and to my delight I have been assigned to the ones I did my two weeks with, so that's really given me a little boost too. On the flip side I am to be torn away from my bestie, so it's not all sunshine, but I am sure I will get over it. I'm sure she will too 😂

Just a few short weeks left now til the final assessments, which will be done over two days. Then if all goes well, it's time for Pass Out, and I become a full fledged probationer.

It's all very exciting, and I have to once again thank those who have given me support when needed, and God knows there have been some moments. I can't wait now for November and going properly onto shifts and feeling like my new beginning is officially underway.

Longer entry to follow at some point

Bit of a shitty start to the week, after an active weekend, and a run to start my week, I have dropped into a bit of a slump. Not sure if I am just feeling quiet, being a bit sulky or just repercussions of the end of last week (second assessments, of which I am still yet to blog about.)

Withdrawn.... That's the word I was looking for. Edited to pop this in. I feel withdrawn today.

First session in class and I am yet to speak, I just don't feel very engaging today. I have my suspicions of why, so thought I would write this to explore them. Hopefully during writing this I will understand it a little more. Usually how it works anyway.

So let's start with the oldest and work forwards. Thursday and Friday last week was the end of Week 7 and time for our second assessments. As with the first ones, I was not stressed, but quietly confident that I would at least achieve a pass mark (which I did).

Before the assessment I had been feeling a bit ill, but got through the assessment OK. Getting my results the next day I was happy with the mark, especially given how I had felt on the day.

However as the weekend progressed I started to feel a little self aware. Knowing a couple of the others marks, somehow the mark I received no longer felt as good as it had, and slowly I started to feel a little less confident, and started beating myself up about it.

The weekend was a bit of a slow burner, so I dug in and did some running and cycle training to try and distract myself. The rest of the weekend was a bit dull, and didn't really keep me as distracted as I needed to. A bit of shopping, some relaxing and tried soaking it off in the bath.

I was hoping that coming back to work and getting stuck into the workplace, but that has not been the case. I have instead sat in silence mulling everything over in my head, so it's even harder as I am distracted and missing half the lesson while I sit here in a bit of a mini spiral, sulking over things that are out of my control, and a situation am actually satisfied with.

Another of those moments where I really question the rationale of my mind. There is no good reason to feel this was, but even when I try and take a deep breath and snap out of it, it's not happening.

Maybe I am just suddenly realising I am a bit mentally exhausted at this point, and setting expectations too high for myself. Not doubting my abilities, but maybe realising that I am not as upbeat as I thought I was. To be honest, I am quite pissed off with myself at this very moment and just want to curl up for a bit and hide. Maybe that's on my to do list for lunch time.

Front writing this I have realised that I just want to be quiet today, but am also aware of what that can lead to. So do I push myself to engage, or do I just have a day out of the moment and just see if things reset?

Newsflash Just heard we are getting our watches this week too. More to over think, great.!

What a blur! Hard to believe that SIX weeks of training have passed already, consisting of three in the classroom, two on the floor actually doing part of the role, and another back in the classroom. From walking into the reception area on the first day, and looking around at the people in there wondering if we were all new starters, to now casually walking around the place with confidence. 

First and foremost I am proud of myself, for overcoming my inhibitions, putting the right foot forwards and starting as I mean to go on. From the first day I was offered the role I was determined that I would not be my old self of recent years, and instead project the confidence I remember having so many years ago. My aim was to stand out, without STANDING OUT!! If that makes sense. Be noticed and talked about for the right reasons, and not be the topic of gossip.

From day one I have tried to make bonds and support my fellow trainees in any way I could. Looking out for people, giving encouragement and praise, and most of all, trying to be a team player, and make sure we all made it through being the best versions of ourselves possible. All the while trying not to revert back to previous fake versions of myself. Not becoming a person I needed to be, but be the person I wanted to be known as. And dare I say, I think I have done it. 

Donning a mask, creating a character, and acting in a way I need to is something I am familiar with, and any person who has read these blogs over the years will know of my journey, and the pitfalls I have encountered over the decades of doing this. So to have a totally fresh start, be known as me, Michael, and not the previous iterations of me was key. For the first few weeks I honestly questioned was I being genuine? Was the real me coming across, or was I trying too hard?

Reading back through the  entries here has given me the confirmation that I needed, that I have indeed simply found the real me hidden inside the complex mixtures or personalities I have encountered and emulated over many years. It is SO refreshing to feel myself again. Feel that I am being honest with people and only showing them who I am, and not something or someone I want to be seen as.  I really think this is important in this role, and being in touch with yourself is a great asset to dealing with the things the role expose you to. Being human and relatable above all. 

I have had my doubts along the way, questioning if I was capable of doing it in the first place, how I would get on in a class environment, given the last time I was in one was 1989 and I walked away with nothing. I say nothing, I had the knowledge and the experience, just not the certification and proof that I had it all. Not that it has hindered me in life one bit. I am pleased to report however that I am enjoying the experience, and feel like I am learning so much. I have done more writing, as in pen and paper, in the past six weeks than I think I did my entire time at school. But that is a good thing. Like blogging, writing things helps me remember them, as it is a manual processing of my thoughts. 

Having finally managed to catch up with one of the seniors earlier this week, I am happy with the feedback I received, and that has given me a little more confidence and spark to dig ever deeper to reach the standard I expect of myself. There is a midway test coming up next week, which I am kinda looking forward to, just to see where I am and see what I need to improve on over the coming five weeks. It is incredible to think that in six weeks time I will hopefully have passed my last validation, been assigned to a work group and be starting my journey in a qualified (yet probationary) role. Fingers crossed anyway!

At the end of the working week this week I also had the opportunity to sit down with the trainers and discuss both my progress and have a welfare check to see all was well. From my side of things I am in a good place, happy with how things are in the classroom, confident things are sinking in, and not fazed by any of the topics or discussions. When asked if I had any questions or concerns, I simply asked how I was perceived. Not in an insecure way, but more to make sure that it was seen that I could be part of a team, and integrate within one of the work groups. There didn't seem to be any concern there whatsoever, so again that was a nice boost for me. 

Another thing I realised was that all this incessant blogging and babbling on about things has really helped with my typing speed and keyboard confidence. Not that I ever thought I was slow, or struggled with IT, but it has definitely helped me when it comes to parts of the role where being familiar with the keyboard really helps. Random but factual.

So.....Here I am, past the half way mark, energised by what I have learned and experienced so far, excited about what lays ahead. Unfazed by the environment, really happy to be around lots of people (a phrase I never thought I would be saying). There is a lot to fit in over the coming weeks, but I have confidence in myself, my fellow trainees and most of all,  the trainers and the system. 

Here's to my/ our successful passing out at the end of Oct.... fingers crossed

Big shout out to my support network both new and old.

Yes you!

I have finished my first rotation,  and feel so pumped about it all. After three weeks in the classroom, being out there and putting my new skills into practise, albeit with oversight and guidance, has been amazing.

I have learned so much, and have so so much more to learn, and then lots more to experience before I can honestly say I know what I am doing. But I am in good hands, and feel that the road ahead is a good one.

The trainers and people I am learning with on the job have gone a long way to make me feel so positive about it all, but there is another part.... And that part is YOU.

Well, some of you anyway lol. From the point of applying for this job, all the way through the assessments, tests, and interviews, not to mention while waiting on the dreaded DBS, there have been voices in my ear, keeping me on track, making sure all was OK, and giving me the encouragement and positivity I needed to get me to where I am today.

So to you, I say thank you. I am well aware we all have busy lives, and some of the people on my cheer team have really had a lot going on in their lives. Things I am very aware of and would have understood if you gave me a wide berth. But no, you have stood by me, encouraged me, kept me motivated and helped me reach the state of mind I am in now.

This is a place I have not been for a long time, and it feels amazing, so all the more reason to say thank you and thank you again.

People I have known decades, others that I have know just a few years. Some I have met regularly since I still had hair, others as little as once. But regardless, you guys have taken the time to check in on me regularly, express an interest in how things are going, and to prop me up and set me straight when I have wobbled a bit.

You are all quite frankly amazing, so if I haven't already said it.... Thank you.

That's all. As you were!

Tonight I will do the first night-shift I have done in over a decade. Sure there have been times when I have been up throughout the night for various reasons, but it has been a long time since I actually worked all night. Especially whilst doing a completely new role too.

The past couple of shifts have varied in time and duration, Tuesday was a 12 hour shift during the day, Wednesday was an eight hour shift finishing much earlier in the afternoon. All the while my body is starting to adjust to it all. Having just come off the back of three weeks of 8 til 4 Mon to Fri, it is once again another shift. With tonights night shift being a total jolt to the circadian rhythm. But that is OK, I am ready for it, and looking forward to it too. 

In the last six months I have gone from working from 12 til 5pm, (five hour day) to not working at all for a few months, to Mon to Fri full days, to the rolling shift patterns I am on now. 
The current pattern consists of 3 working days, a 12 hour day shift, an 8 hour day shift and a 12 hour night shift, then three rest days (inc the day I finish on). I will be on this pattern for a couple of weeks, before returning to my Mon to Fri pattern til the end of training, hopefully by the end of October. 

As far as I know I will be doing the same role I was on Tuesday, just on a night shift tonight, but am aware the dynamic will change somewhat. The pattern in which we work will also change to allow for the differences in how a night unfolds in the role. Hopefully there will be an extended rest period available if all is going well. If not, then it will be a long night. Either way I am sure I will get by just fine, and won't have too many issues.

Long term, after the end of training and as my probation begins on a "normal"working pattern, the rolling shifts of 3 on 3 off that is, I am sure I will be able to fine tune my routine to allow me to make the most of my days off, while ensuring I am well rested for the next rotation. But for now, I just have to muddle through it all, just like the rest of the group I am training with will. 

I of course have the bonus of having my adopted grandson on shift rotations with me, so I am sure one way or another there will be some entertainment provided by him and the rest of the group I am with. 

As a note for myself, the first 12 hr day shift left a small but adequate rest period before being in for the next day shift. Poor planning by me led to less rest than I had hoped for, so felt tired for my second day. I had a late night last night to try and get a couple of extra hours of sleep this morning, which seems to have worked. I actually managed to sleep beyond 5.15am today! I am hoping to have a couple of short naps this afternoon, before heading to work a little later than I have on day shifts.

I have made a habit of being at work 90-120 mins before day shifts to allow me to wake up and have a run or gym session, but no need for that for tonight, so I will get in a bit before the start today and settle in.

Right, I have some chores to do, then a nap to catch, so I better be getting on. 

Well that was a rough night's sleep if I ever had one. OK... I have had worse for sure but it wasn't great. My minor insecurities have caught up with me, and I had a few dreams where I was running away from it all.

I have to say it feels good to have some 'worries' about today, rathe than arrogantly and over confidently strolling in like a boss and then messing up.

Stay humble, be honest, highlight concerns and take it one step at a time. That's the way I am trying to do this. Confidence in the system. Although there have been some points where it didn't all sink in as well, now is the time to rectify that.

Six shifts of using what I have learned in real life. Putting to practice the theories and mock tests, and filling in the gaps to make me more prepared for the end of training.

Although I am saying all the right things, I am of course nervous. I have met some of the people I am working with this week and next, but still more to meet. I have had messages of confidence from others, but this is still my journey.

Awake since 4am I have tried to distract myself from my thoughts, with varying levels of success, instead thinking about having enough food and drink for the shift, wondering why I still have not sorted out food in the mess for myself yet and so on.

Small details, all which can be addressed in good time. For now my aims are simple. Get to work early, don't get caught up in the post school holidays traffic, give myself time for a walk and mindfulness, and just be myself and be honest with my doubts and worries about my knowledge. And if course, get stuck in and try try try!

The traffic part should be interesting. If I leave 10 mins later than usual the traffic is already starting to build, and that was during the school holidays. This week the schools are back, so we shall see how that changes things. I will of course plan to be  at work silly early just to allow myself time to wake up properly and prepare mentally and physically for the day.

Right, I better get ready... Here goes!