It’s the wee small hours and I have been meaning for ages to write something here for ages, but keep missing the opportunity, so here goes nothing. Hopefully some of the things I meant to say come up while I am typing, but I am making no guarantees, so this could be a boring one. (aren’t they all!)

Over recent weeks I have been off work sick with Covid. It is somewhat frowned upon to knowingly spread germs in the workplace, as you could literally cause a massive snowball effect with sickness, and that is something no-one wants. Besides, I would quickly fall out of favour if I were to make other people ill I am sure. Sadly the sickness knocked my training progress a little, so I am finally getting back on track with it all now. Some might say “steady progress being made” IYKYK

Speaking of work, all of a sudden I have started to feel a lot more confident. I know I have touched on it before, saying how sometimes jumping in is a little bit daunting. However I am pleased to say I am feeling that less and less now. I think part of it is not being the new kid anymore. There have been further intakes since I started with my cohort, and of course it has been an age since I started training now. I will come back to that in a bit.  It definitely feels nice to be confident enough to help others, challenge things, and just have a general sense of knowing what the heck I am doing. 

Out of work, I have pivoted my focus a bit. I had a poor start to the year with cycling, and as we slipped into the summer I noticed I have not done as much as previous years. I am not beating myself up about that, and know there are various reasons for it. So unlike years gone by I am not frantically trying to make up for lost time, and cycle every day. Instead I have decided to focus a little more on running. With the time I have available, and the need to find a healthy balance of exercise and rest, running fits the bill a little better.

Add to the list, the physical benefit of running and the slight weight loss that comes with it, and we are onto a winner. Once again a level headed approach, I am not as fast as I used to be, and have no interest on setting new PBs. Instead, time, distance and fitness levels are my goal, and I feel a lot better for it. Of course there is always a little twist, and in this case it is Garmin. My Epix watch is my driver, and along with the app it sets me a plan to adhere to. Of course if I am not feeling up to it I simply rest. But it is a sort of quiet accountability for me.

We will see how the fitness is going in a few hours, as straight after work I have a “Health and Wellbeing” appointment at my GP’s. Straight off a long run of shifts at work, somewhat exhausted and fatigued, if they check any of my vitals I might read as a bit of a disaster. But the plan is for them to give me some pointers for my nutrition and general day to day wellbeing, especially as I further mature in years. This is something that was planned at my last doctors consultation a month or so back.

In general my health I think has been good. Weight loss is gradual but consistent now, even little binge moments don’t cause sudden weight gain. On the downside, muscle loss is evident, and mobility is starting to drop off a little, so that is something I am keen to do something about. However I am not going to rush into something unsustainable. Maybe after this appointment I can take a look at where I can fit some strength training and flexibility in also. Yoga or similar would probably be the right decision, but I have constantly tried to get back into it and failed over recent years.

Scheduling is my main hurdle at the moment. I have been working a bit of overtime lately, so getting rest days in, and making sure I recharge a little has been important. I am proud  of myself for actually moderating myself, and not burning out by trying to do too much. Finding a little peace in my mind, and being able to do less and still feel better for it has been a real breakthrough for me. The overtime has strangely also been an integral part of my growth too. Working with other watches, getting to know other people a little better, and learning to fit into other close knit groups has given a little boost to my confidence too. 

I think part of it is a sense of freedom, a certain streak of confidence to perform to my own level regardless of who I am working with. It has showcased that I am competent, and able to do the role, and not stick out like a sore thumb as the newbie that doesn’t have a clue. I am actually NOT that person. My god I have grown in the space of a year.

Speaking of a year… IT’S BEEN A YEAR!! (almost) since I first walked in this place to start my training. Wide eyed and terrified of what to expect. In that time I have really become the person I have always aspired to be. Level headed, dedicated and someone who makes a difference to others every time I work. Regardless of the role I carry out on any given shift, I know that my actions make a difference to someone elses day. So I take huge pride in doing that. And can I just take a moment to say how proud of myself I am. I should say it more, but holy cow I am proud of what I have achieved in the space of a year. So much personal growth and development, it is on a scale I never imagined. 

Of course I am still the same introvert shy guy from time to time, but I save my energy and use it wisely. Amazingly, even with doing lots of overtime, doing this role doesn’t exhaust me mentally, just a little bit physically haha. But it is all worth it. Not only am I making new bonds, breaking new ground, and stretching my horizons, I am also earning extra pocket money, which means getting my dental bill paid off a little quicker. The difference a year can make eh!

Right, I feel I have gotten a lot of my chest here, so will call it a day while things are still at least a little coherent still. Thanks for reading, and more to follow soon I am sure. I finally have two days off back to back coming up and I can’t wait. I say two days, more like one and a half, but I will take it. 

A phrase used too much these days when we lose contact with people for an extended period of time, and then get back in touch.

By extended period of time, I mean relative to the usual level of communication you usually have with someone. If you usually speak every day or so, maybe it’s a week. A less frequent contact, maybe months or even a year or so.

But I just wanted to take a moment to say, “hey, how you doing. I hope all is well with you. Maybe we can catch up some time. I’m always here.”

It’s so easy to lose touch with someone, in our busy lives with so many connections, people can fall off the radar for a bit before you realise. And by that time it feels awkward to suddenly pop up and say hi.

Personally, I don’t mind, it can be a year for all I care, it is always good to catch up with old acquaintances. For others, they take offence that they have not been contacted and get shirty about it. Me, if I liked you, and we didn’t fall out, all is well.

I have been kinda crazy busy the past 8 months or so, and am aware I have dropped the ball a bit with some people. So I want to make that right, and remind people regardless of what’s going on, if you need me, I will do everything I can to be there for you. It’s never a fuss. Although sometimes it takes a bit to get back depending on what’s going on in life.

So…. Hey, how you doing? Let’s catch up.

What will it be? What will it bring? Will I be ready for it!!

The thing about this job is never knowing what will come next. Call after call is a crazy mixture of the run of the mill call the the completely out there life changing incident. At any time of day, on any day of the week, the next call could be something you have never heard before. I was going to say “and are not ready for” but that would not be true. I like to think that I am ready to deal with anything thrown my way, I just don’t know it yet.

A lot of the time most calls are something you have heard before, standard automated things, routine procedures, and day to day emergencies. But a few times a shift at least there will be a curve-ball. Something that makes you think for a minute and do a little bit of problem solving on the fly. Trying to decide what needs to happen to make the situation as good as you can.

Every outcome is not perfect, some are quite sad, but speaking to a colleague the other day I realised my old personality trait of separation has returned, and I am able to distance myself from most situations, which allows me to think clearer, and be ready for the next challenge. 

Now that you have read that, I want to add a caveat…. Sometimes, something will catch you off guard. And it comes in one of two forms.

The first is as expected, hearing something you have never heard before, and taking a moment to work out what to do with that information, and what is needed from you in the moment. For anyone who knows the role will know what I mean. It’s not a deer in the headlights moment. It’s not a matter of not knowing what you are doing, just about taking a moment to do some critical thinking, and work out a plan (in 20-30 seconds).

Imagine for a moment you have a really well equipped tool box, every tool you could imagine, and you have an unexpected DIY job to do at home. You take a moment to size the job up, and instead of grabbing the biggest most powerful tool you have, you work out the right tool for the job, and no more. That is basically what is happening here too. You don’t use a sledge hammer to drive a nail in, and the back of a spoon won’t do the trick. There is a fine balance.

The other scenario is from a mental perspective. You know some days you wake up and just can’t! The phrase “I can’t adult today” springs to mind. Obviously this is something you need to snap out of before sitting down for work, but it weighs on you a little. A little doubt creeps in from time to time and leaves you wondering if you can manage with the next call. Now don’t worry, this isn’t something that actually has any effect on doing the job. Rather a little sprinkling of imposter syndrome creeping in for a minute, and questioning if you can do this. 

The answer is simple. Of course I can! I am getting the feeling less and less these days, and even when I do it is only a momentary thing. Once again, just like my doubts and challenges of days gone by, writing here enables me to read back and see what I have done, where I have come from and what I am actually capable of. So in those moments rather than looking to others for reassurances, I am able to calm myself, and get back in the game.

Now just before anyone says I am being over confident or cocky about things, I just want to add that I don’t think I are ready for anything. I would like to think that even if it were to be something really hard to deal with, I have just enough experience, and a of support around me to work my way through it all the same. This is the same for each and every one of us here. We are a team.

I have worked in teams before, but I can say hand on heart I have never worked in a team like this one. Of course nothing is perfect, but in the moment somehow everything falls into place and the hive mind jumps into action, with each moving part doing just what it needs to in the moment. If you hear a high powered  car idling, it sounds rough and broken, but in the moment, smash the pedal to the floor, and we are away. Up to speed in a flash and ready to perform. 

The sense of belonging brings me back each shift of every tour, and the sense of making a difference drives me to do my best, while learning more and more every contact of every day. I know it sounds corny, and a little cringe, but its true. 52 years on the planet, 37 of them doing a job of some sort, and finally this feels right. It is a bonus that I get paid quite well for doing something I enjoy doing so much. I have always said the perfect job feels like a paid hobby. And while this is not QUITE the case, it is the closest I have ever been, and I don’t expect to get any closer than this. 

So, the next time I get that question in my head, having any doubt whatsoever if I am ready for the next call, I will bring myself back here, and have a read back. And remind myself of the thought process I went through to write this entry. Given all my experiences and interventions in life, I can honestly say, just like Craig David, I was “Born to do it”

As ever thank you for reading this, and I hope it makes sense to some people at least. 

Last year was a bit of a washout for me, not in a bad way, just I didn’t really have much free time to do a lot of the things I have done in recent years. And by that I mean cycle mostly!

With redundancy looming I didn’t really get out on the bike much at all, and to be fair summer of 2024 was late starting, failed to really get going and was over in a flash. Another great reason to have not been out on the bike much.

I did however do a lot of running last year as it was far more doable in the weather, and didn’t involve constantly washing a bike and maintaining it from being caught in the rain all the time. As a result of this my annual mileage was quite frankly piss poor, and my preparation for the winter months non existent. So it will come as no surprise that I really only got back on a bike last month.

Missing the winter prep is rough, as getting caught in a rain shower here and there, turns into being happy going out for an entire ride in the rain. Having a start to a ride in very low temperatures and feeling relief when the sun shows up and things warm up, morphs into being OK doing an entire ride in 0-3c degrees. Without that transition, it’s simply a no go.

Hence not getting riding again until the temp was at least 8-10c. But it is OK, I am in my flow now and happy to get out there, and hopefully I will be able to keep riding regularly on my rest days, and leave days right through the summer, into autumn and winter. I really want to get my miles up this year, and do some fun rides, especially now I have my little drones for recording some fun footage.

The most important thing here is having the feeling of wanting to ride, rather than the feeling of dread which has overtaken in the past. The obsessive determination to get to a certain amount of miles for the year etc. It really sucks the fun out of riding for me, so I am keen to avoid doing that again.

The gravel bike is serviced, the good summer bike is still waiting for its first ride of the year, and the commuter I bought is just sitting there doing nothing, and I am in the process of selling it. Impulse buy, losing money on it, but such is life.

Now I just need to find a sense of adventure and ride in some new places, explore a bit, and broaden my horizons as they say. I would love an international ride this year, but that remains to be seen. I would not do one solo, so just need to convince someone of similar abilities to join me for a little adventure. Maybe not AdH again just yet lol.

The weight loss is going well, I am close to my 12 month lowest again now, and hope to get below that soon, while at the same time increasing my fitness back to a reasonable level. I am aware that as the years pass now I am less and less likely to return to my peak numbers, but staying relatively fit would be nice.

Anyway, this isn’t the entry I came here to write, so I will wrap up here, and vow to get at least 2 rides in during my rest days and leave I have coming up. Hopefully a lot more than that.

Over the past few days I have found myself feeling quite low, more physically than mentally, but I think that has had a knock on effect. The difference my activity levels can make to my mental state is incredible. Every time I have a pause in my regular physical activity, I notice this, and have probably mentioned it before. In fact I know I have. 

So this time around my activities have led to my inactivity. After my last tour I had a nice long bike ride, my longest for quite some time, possibly for over a year I think. The result of this was to have a tight neck and shoulder the following day, and it has stayed with me for the past few days. Not wanting to irritate it, I have tried to rest the best I can, so haven’t really done much.

The knock on effect of this is that I kind of lost my motivation. Maybe not actually my motivation, but more my direction and routine. Getting up in the morning I usually have a schedule, nothing solid but things to do throughout the day. If I am off work or on a late I will go for a walk, run or ride. Without one of those activities I am at a loss, and struggle to fill my time productively. Not being productive makes me feel like I am in a slump. I guess it is the memories of feeling hopeless and just sitting around doing nothing.

Some like to use the term PTSD, referring to the lasting impact of events from the past. I am happy just to call it “bad memories”. I doubt it is going to change, and this is a cycle I will continue to go through for the rest of my life, or as long as I can recall my last episode of depression or anxiety at least. So I write these entries to remind myself that these little lows are not the beginning of what I think, but perfectly normal and a passing moment. Again, I am sure I have said this a number of times before.

As I write this, my neck is feeling better, I have a rest period coming up, and the weather forecast is looking good, so it is time to get going again and do something active. Release some endorphins and get some Vit D from the glowing orb in the sky. Bring on the summer, and having some adventures once again. Winter seems to have lasted forever this year, but that is probably because I did so little in the latter part of last year, and totally quit riding as soon as it got cold. Mainly because of training for my new job to be fair. 

This year I am hoping to stay active throughout the winter, and who knows, maybe even starting to commute by bike on some days. I was so sure I was going to commute to the new job by bike, I bought a new one just for commuting, and have never once ridden to work FOR work. I have however ridden to work a few times just to try out routes and get and idea of the timings and effort. Just to see what sort of state I get there in. Maybe as summer approaches I will… I hope so at least, as it ticks off the commute and morning activity in one. 

In the meantime I am managing to keep active enough to the weight down, which is definitely keeping my head in the right place. Running is feeling easier, or should I say I feel lighter and running is more enjoyable, so I am able to do regular’ish runs, generally using the morning of the first day of a tour to get a run in, but I would like to be doing more. Cycling however is always my go-to, as I travel further, relax more and see more, even though I know runs are probably better for me.

At the end of the day, I am a lot more active than I was years ago, healthier than I have been in years, but am aware that I am slowly aging. Not a bad thing, it is natural of course, and I am mindful not to push myself too hard just to appease the ego and maintain my PBs on things. I can still run at a pace I am happy with, my legs can still throw out a 1000w+ sprint, and my resting HR is still around 42-43bpm, so I am happy where I am. And so long as those activities continue to compliment my mental health, and keep me on the right track, all is well. So a little low for a few days while I recover is fine with me.