For the first time since August I finally have some time off work. Training all done, bedded in a bit at work to get used to the shift patterns and actual role. Formed a bond with the watch and so on, now it is time to have a breather from it all and relax. Or you would think that would be the plan!

Instead today is my first day off for this period of leave, and instead of kicking back and enjoying a couple of weeks off, I am getting ready for a rather dramatic and traumatic time. Dental surgery!

I have touched on this before, but wanted to revisit it for this entry, as it is the primary thing on my mind right now, and taking up a lot of mental energy. Not in a bad way, I am not dreading the idea or over thinking it all, well not yet anyway. However it is in my thoughts, a lot especially over the past few days.

Once the surgery is done, things will change quite drastically for me, so I have to prepare myself for that too. Not just the day of the surgery and the physical trauma, but after that I will be unable (advised not to) eat solid foods for a long period of time, to allow things to heal properly. It isn’t like I have never gone without food before. Having done Lighter Life for 11 weeks of abstaining from solid food, I am aware of how it feels, and the challenges I faced.

However, after the festive period, I am also ready to drop a bit of weight, so this comes at an ideal time. Shakes and soups will be my intake for probably the next couple of weeks, if all goes well, I will try and maintain that intake and continue to lose a bit of weight.

Obviously I will also need to rest for a while, but am keen to get active as soon as possible, especially while I am off work, so I don’t go stir crazy and get cabin fever. That is NEVER good for the  mind and mental state. So I need to find the right balance for mental and physical stability.

One thing I have noticed recently is that I sleep.. I can now do 8+ hours without too much of  a struggle, but am mindful not to go too far and end up staying in bed all day, as lovely as it feels at times. The quality of the sleep has improved too and I can only put that down to feeling in a better place mentally  recently.

That said, it could be to do with weight gain too, so I will be keeping an eye on both metrics over the coming weeks to see what affects what. I am NOT expecting to sleep well over the next few days after the surgery, however I am open minded about that, so lets see.

Right, I am off to write another blog on my other page, with some more info about the surgery. You can find it at www.michaelsnasdell.co.uk

Bye for now, post-surgical blog to follow, tomorrow maybe.

Weird start eh, but it comes from the title of the documentary I just coincidentally watched before writing this. A story about the DJ/Artist Avicii who while seeming to live an amazing life, struggled with his identity, which ultimately cost him his life, and his family and friends a loved one.

Now I am not going to start drawing direct parallels here, as that would be disrespectful and inaccurate, however I can relate, and I will loop back around to that in a bit. But for now, I will get started on the blog I initially intended on writing.

A long, long time ago, nice years to be precise, I finally came out of a slump I had been going through. For the first time in a long time I found myself single, lonely and very confused about who I was, and what I was to others. The irony of the reminder of this coming from Facebook is not lost on me.

In 2015 a long term relationship ended. It was always going to happen, and that was genuinely not the cause of my sadness and depression. It was more what was going on around me. Looking on my Facebook I had hundreds of friends and connections I had made over the previous decade or so, but didn’t seem to be much of an outreach of support from many. Those I did speak to just confused me further, with the same old toxic bullshit you usually head around break-ups.

Then there were others who just caused confusion and damage to the new relationships I was forming. Starting rumours, spreading lies, and just telling me things that just led to more bad feelings. Eventually one evening, while feeling particularly shitty I decided enough was enough.

500 friends on Facebook, barely 5 who knew me properly, let alone cared enough to reach out and be supportive. Why do I need this in my life. So late in 2015 I posted a dying swan post, saying I was taking some time out, deleting all my “friends” from Facebook and would hopefully come back stronger and more prepared for the world. After that point there was medication, time off sick, counselling and a lot more. Eventually around this date in 2016 I decided it was time to reconnect with a few people, so I reactivated my account, posted I was back online, and reminded people of what I had said previously.

I would NOT be re-adding people, sending out invites etc, instead I would let others add me. Not to be arrogant, but in fact to be genuine. Let’s be honest, how many times have you had a friend/follow request from someone you either barely know, or really couldn’t care less about, and just pressed accept for an easy life. I didn’t want to be that “friend”.

Unsurprisingly the requests came in thin and slow, but that is OK. It takes a while to notice someone is active, I respect the consideration given before adding me, and I felt truly grateful for each person who made that decision that they wanted to be in contact with me. There were no goals here other than only to connect with people who had a genuine interest in me as a person, and wanted to be connected.

I must admit, I did browse people who I thought might have added me, only to see they had thousands of “friends”, and decided I wasn’t really missing much at all. People come and go, but true friends….. They are generally in it for the long haul.

Around this time I started to realise the true value of friendship, and how they do not always come from spending the most time with people, having the most in common, or any other common belief of what friendship is. They actually come from people being decent human beings, and sharing at least a single interest with you, and maybe, just  maybe being cut from the same cloth,

The four people in my life who I consider true friends all share a common strand with me, and that is being humble. Regardless of our roots, regardless of where we are in life now, we are all humble people. Our focus is on others, our intent is good, and our reward…. Simple, seeing another human being thrive and smile. There is NO greater reward.

Aaaannnyway…. 9 years ago today (roughly) I started my comeback. I wanted to be my authentic self. I was no longer tied to the constraints of who others believed I was, or expected me to be, I was me. I’m Michael!

So watching the Avicii documentary “I’m Tim” today just struck a chord. Seeing someone go from a confusing childhood where they struggled to form their identity, to reinvent themselves as a new persona (Avicii / Snazy) only to find a world demanding things of them to the point where their happiness became misery and the cause of all their problems was really relatable. The problem is there, in that moment, all those around you who want something from this persona are not willing to allow you to acknowledge your misery, as they would lose something, so everyone just perpetuates the lie.

Eventually, when the world falls apart around you, you have time and space to take stock, and if you are really lucky you realise what has been happening, and create some separation from it all. That is not to say that the ghost of the persona will not haunt you for a long time. Ironically, the domain name of this blog is that of my past persona, But I use that now as a reminder that Snazy will forever be the name for my poor mental health era. That is not to say I see it as a negative name, so if you use it when you speak to me, that is absolutely 100% OK with me. It is a nickname to many, and only a persona to some. There IS a difference.

Sadly for Avicii, all the money in the world was not enough to help him back to being Tim again, and his road ended prematurely. A great loss for many people, and I do not mean those who expected and demanded music from him. But those who knew Tim as a person, a friend or a family member.

Since Jan 2016 I have been through many phases, a few ups and downs with my mental health, but they have just come about naturally, and not because of pressures and expectations from others. Social media believe it or not has taken a back seat, and I prefer now to be a passive contributor, rather than some sort of active person people will then pretend to know and relate to.

Reading back through years of blogs, it is crazy to see how many times external influences have created such a bad situation, that I have spiralled to the point of anxiety and depression, and my main goal these days is to never let this happen to me again. I refuse to let people too close to me anymore. I won’t say I don’t trust people anymore, as truth be told I have never really trusted people too much. As I have always told others not to trust me.

Manipulation is human nature, and something I am quite good at myself, so I would be foolish not to expect it from others too. So that has always been my outlook. I take calculated risks, and as a recent one has proven, always be willing to lose whatever you give, expect nothing in return even if it is due.

What I am getting at here is, after nine years of coming back from the brink, I finally think I like myself, and have slowly grown some self respect back. I don’t need others approval, I don’t desire admiration from afar… I’m Michael, take me or leave me, I couldn’t care less either way.

Everyone close to me will get the same levels of respect and attention, anyone outside will get the colder more calculated me. No ill intent, just matter of fact. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I do wish well to those genuine individuals out there who find it in their lives and their hearts to take a moment to offer kindness and support to someone they have no NEED to, but simply choose to.

Take a little look inside at yourself, and ask yourself, would you help someone you barely know, with no offer of reward other than feeling good about what you just did? Be honest with yourself here. I am not judging, it is a tough thing to do, especially in todays world of mistrust and fakery.

Right, I am off to relax and be my authentic self for a bit. Share this on social media, then check in on some friends. Did your phone just buzz/bleep? 😉

Just a quick update from Snaz Central. 

Had a quick chat with my line manager this evening and was told that they are happy with my progress since our last chat, and things are improving. I have to say this reflects my feelings too. Over the past week or so I have tried to slow things down a bit and be methodical about my approach to things, which seems to have had the desired effect.

On the downside, it appears a bug has finally gotten hold of me and I have a sniffle, which is poor timing as I am about to have a little bit of leave for the first time since August ’24. But that is always the way isn’t it. Just as you think you are about to unwind and relax and take some much deserved and needed downtime, health catches up with you.

Fingers crossed it is gone in a day or two and I can carry on as normal. The next few days look interesting for weather, and are my last chance to get anything active done until I start recovering from my little dental surgery, so hopefully I can make the most of things and take a breather.

Anyway, like I say, tiny update, nothing much more to say other than I am in a good place, happy with life and myself. Hope it is the same for you. 

That is how I am starting 2025. Non conformist, following no rules, setting no goals, and definitely trying not to give myself a hard time about anything. This time of year SO many people are caught up in the “new year new me” movement. Vowing to make all kinds of changes to their lives. Unfortunately a lot of these goals we set ourselves are either impossible to achieve, or way out of our control. So instead of setting ourselves up for success, we take the first step down the road of certain failure.

If I have learned anything over the years, it is “life is 10% what we do and 90% luck”. Maybe not quite as drastic as that, but the desire to do something is one thing. Having the means and opportunity to, is something else. That is not to say, don’t have ambition, don’t set goals, don’t dream of success. Of course you should have aspirations in life. Just keep them realistic, and don’t be too hard on yourself if things don’t go to plan.

For me, last year was fantastic, horrific, terrifying and exciting just to name a few of the feelings I felt. Jan we were warned of redundancy, March it was confirmed, May we were let go. June I was accepted into the Brigade, August I started training, Oct I passed out and Nov I went solo.

During that time I lost weight, gained weight, trained hard, ran a record distance, didn’t cycle enough, put on too much weight, felt a bit crap for it. Learned new sleeping patterns, survived on 5 hours a night, then rediscovered sleeping for 9-10 hours. Fought off germs, maintained strong mental health.

2024 also saw me reassess friendships and acquaintances, recalibrating my focus to pay more attention to those who I have reciprocal relationships with, and distance myself from one-way relationships. I made some great new friends starting my new job at the Brigade, and while focused on my own personal development, realised I expended too much energy on others.

I really do feel a much stronger person starting 2025, certainly compared to how I went into 2024. I know what I want, I have focus, intention, and drive to achieve. I have no goals as such, just things I would like to achieve if at all possible. The journey starts mid Jan with the surgery, that alone will start a chain reaction of changes in my life, hopefully all for the better.

I am mindful that I want to get out on the bike more this year, purely because I know how positive it is for my mental health. Speaking of mental health, I am set to do a course this Jan to become a Mental Health First Aider. Something that I have wanted to do for a while now, but find myself in a fortunate position and the right mindset to do finally.

In short, this year is about me! Making myself stronger mentally and physically, making myself available for others who need some support, and just need some guidance to make life better for themselves. I want to do so much, but at the same time know life has its limitations, so I am going to keep it real. A little list in my head of things I want to do, which will change as time passes. But nothing I would commit to paper or the blog.

Have fun, be healthy, be authentic, care and share. That is about the sum of my goals for 2025. How about you?

Thanks for reading, and here’s to this year being the year of the least “low mood” entries for me on here ever.

It has been a while since I have even considered my anxiety levels, so I thought I would have a sit down with them this morning before work and see how they are doing.

It turns out, surprisingly, with everything that is going on both in my life and my head, not to mention my body, things are actually looking good.

I’m sleeping relatively well, don’t find myself dwelling on things too much, unless it’s something  major, and in general my mind feels quite stable. Especially when looking back over recent years, even a year ago I was in a terrible place.

Now I am in a much higher pressured environment, fighting to learn as much as I can, perform the best I can, while still being able to function and do my job, yet I feel delightfully relaxed.

That’s not to say I don’t feel pressure from the job, of course I do, if I didn’t something would be wrong. However I am delighted to say I feel normal levels of stress and anxiety. Not crippling ones. A phrase I didn’t think I would be saying.

So this is what the stress and anxiety of normal life feels like eh? And to think some people feel that their life is a continual punishment with these meagre levels of stress. But I am not going to knock it, it is all relative and we can only react to what we know.

Some people see massive pressure from life as being totally normal, and I am sure some have looked at what I have been through and wondered what all the fuss was about. So I will take the grown up stance and say “it’s all relative”. If you don’t know any different, why would it not be the worst feeling ever.

OK, I will keep this short, but in general, I feel good. I feel a bit run down and have mouth ulcers, I am about to have massive dental work done, soon I won’t be able to eat solid food for ages, but on the plus side I am about to have some time off work at last. So it’s all good.

New year, new me…. Just around the corner.

Normally words that would fill me with fear coming from a manager, let alone two, but today it was reassuring.

As I have mentioned there have been little niggling things that have been eating away  at me day to day. Getting myself wound up about them, and feeling like it is holding me back and making me second guess myself too much.

It’s no secret, and the managers have been aware of it too, sometimes having to point stuff out, in the nicest possible way. What I had not realised was, how visible my frustration was. Which again is actually a good thing in this situation.

There is making a mistake, and acknowledging it, then there is making a mistake and having no idea it happened, let alone what you did wrong. Showing my frustration inadvertently also displays passion, and the desire to get it right. So long as you have that, along with the correct information to make adjustments, and also the right team, you are on the right path.

Thankfully for me I have all of the above, and feel like I am going in the right direction. Support, encouragement, and knowledge is all I need to sort out the niggles and become the best I can be at my job. With so much collective support and knowledge around me, I am in the best place possible to thrive and achieve.

Taking reassurances from management today that they feel I have what it takes, and they believe in me. Not to mention that they feel I have integrated well into the watch. I can come away from the meeting feeling good about myself, minus the points for the bits I’m struggling with a bit at tle moment. But all round it’s looking good.

Each time I write an entry I have to remind myself how short a time it has been, and how new to this I am. Each day I learn new things, experience different situations, and become better equipped to deal with what comes next. So tonight I go to bed after a meeting with seniors feeling strangely good about myself. Here’s to the future.

There, I said it, and I think I am right about it too. Right about thinking it, not right about actually feeling that way. It seems any time I am spoken to about something, given a nudge or bit of advice, it feels like the biggest telling off in the world. I would say I feel like I am back at school and getting told off in front of the class, but firstly I was never told off at school, and secondly it is hardly a public flogging. 

It is always done discreetly, and with respect. Never harshly, never in a non professional way, but the words echo around inside my head for hours after, and every action I take seems to be over-thought. As I said in my previous post moments ago, for some reason the echo of the words of advice stamp all over anything else going on in my head. 

What I need to take into account is I am still learning, it is still early days, and I have only scratched the surface of the things I can expect to come across. My level of experience is barely “beginner”, yet for some reason I expect myself to have all the knowledge under the sun, and hold myself to a much higher standard than I think anyone else is actually doing. But I think if this blog has shown, it is a behaviour I excel at. 

Interestingly as I am writing this, something has just come up in the room that has everyone querying it. Which is one of those things that for some reason helps, and centres me a bit, making me realise regardless of the level of experience in this place, there is always something that comes up that stops everyone in their tracks. Turns out we are all human after all, and I guess I am not the only one that feels this way at times.

If I was NOT feeling this way I guess it would be more of an issue. I think the bit that really bothers me the most is the repetitiveness of it. I am going to put it down to muscle memory from training, and the fact that not all scenarios can be recreated in training, and the way I practised over 12 weeks is the way I keep doing it at the moment.  The best thing I can think of doing is trying to retrain my brain by being methodical about it until the right way becomes the muscle memory.

A little self compassion, and a touch of slack for a while is what is needed here, and that way hopefully I can stop overloading myself with self doubt. Hopefully that in turn will lead to me giving myself the credit I deserve where appropriate. 

Right, I am done with beating myself up, for tonight at least. 

And it still is really, but it seems the highest high gives me a smile yet the tiniest low gives me a wobble that just keeps going.

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least, but have to say it brought the most amazing feeling of belonging and cohesiveness possible. As things unfolded everyone in the team pulled together and made the biggest of things seem like a breeze. Familiarity with certain things helped, and a little experience made sure things flowed seemlessly.

I came home from work yesterday beaming and feeling like I had done good things and made a positive difference during my day. While that might seem like I should have been on an amazing high, it was not the case.

I say that but as I do, I realise that might not be the truth. Here I go contradicting myself. OK truth is in the moment it did feel quite far along the feelgood scale. However…

Why is it the slightest negative which should barely register feels so shitty and bad. Totally wiping out the positive feeling.

Bear with me while I work my way through this, it’s as confusing to me as it is to you reading it.

I guess what I am saying is the the highest high becomes so insignificant compared to the slightest low. When I say I like that I realise that I am just stating the obvious and this applies to all situations and moods in life. The smallest negative thing can take the wind out of the best of celebrations.

I am writing this to try and work through the mood and get back on my feet. Why do these little moments keep me rattled so long? It is SO frustrating. What I need to do is change my muscle memory, and try to eradicate these moments I have, then I won’t have to work through them, simple eh!

The feeling I have been waiting for for a while now, and it has finally arrived. Sitting at the desk, taking calls, making calls and speaking to staff is all starting to feel a lot more normal. Far less fear and peril of the unknown, and now just more like curious of what the day will bring.

I am starting to feel far more confident about things, and how the room works, dealing with processes and working things through from start to finish. That is not to say that I am not faced with “what the heck” moments each shift. I don’t think that day ever arrives to be fair, but those with more experience are far less surprised at some of the calls than a newbie like me.

I guess the main thing here is experience and repetition of calls and processes. Just like in training, the more time you do something, the more natural it feels, and muscle memory plays a big part in all of that.

I cannot start to explain how good it is to finally feel that I can do this. I know I have flip-flopped from positive to negative, but hopefully I have flopped for the last time. From here on in I will read back here if I have another flippidy flip and reassure myself that I CAN do this, and any doubt should be put aside.

Like I say, every day there is something that teaches me something new, a new way of doing something, or a role that we carry out that I would never have even considered. Not to mention the sheer number of repeat calls of various types.

I am starting to realise that this is a really boring entry, but I needed to make note of this moment so I stop beating myself up over low moments.

All that said, I still get nervous at the start of each tour, and again at the start of each shift, but I am kinda happy about that as it’s keeping me humble and grounded. I actually don’t want to start to take things for granted. For now the excitement of it all keeps me on my toes.

Right, that’s it, boring entry over!