OK I don’t feel quite that bad, but after a couple of wobbles and minor harmless rookie errors I am slipping back into a slump of self doubt. Reassured by my fantastic team, I bounce back each time having learned from my mistakes, but it doesn’t help with the feeling of not belonging that washes over me from time to time. 

Early days in training that feeling was normal, and something I expected to feel after being in my old job for so long, but I was sure I had started to shake that. Apparently that is NOT the case. Even now, the radio cues up, I press the necessary buttons and take a breath to speak, then for a moment think “that the fuck am I doing”, then my eyes dart all over the place checking and double checking I have done all the required things before I start talking. 

Now the thing to note here is its is NOT a race, and nothing is meant to be rushed. Methodical and deliberate is the way, not frantic and carefree. So taking a moment to double check things is normal and the right way to do it. But for me, looking over things and double checking means I am doubting myself, and it doesn’t feel right. 

As I am writing this I am realising that I am actually doing exactly what I am meant to be doing, and I am not doing anything wrong at all, but I just can’t get my head around doing things that way. I know in time it will become the norm, and I will feel more comfortable with the process, but for now I am very conscious of it all. 

I think combining the little mistakes, and the double checking everything culminates in my mind as getting things wrong and not being able to cope. It is only natural to be self critical, especially in a role of responsibility such as this. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is a positive to remain aware of my actions, and while feeling like it is a weakness at the moment, I consider it a strength moving forwards. A balance needs to be found, and I think that comes in time.

Now for a reality check…
Every shift I spend eight to 12 hours speaking to the public, offering advice, sending help to people, sometimes  on the worst day of their life. Speak and work in conjunction with other agencies to make sure the public and employees of the organisations are provided for and kept safe in their roles. I give it my all, I ask questions when unsure, and work with an amazing team of people who support me in my development and role day to day. 

I am doing a job I always dreamed of doing, and still chuckle when I drive in through the gates for each shift. Seeing the organisational emblem on the entry way to the building makes me genuinely proud to have achieved what I have, and smile knowing that the start of the year had me so uncertain, but now I feel like I am on an amazing journey. 

I am paid well for what I do, the conditions I work in are fantastic, and the people I work with are amazing, what more could I want? All I have to do now is improve every day, becomes the best I can be at my job, and love every minute of it.

Oh and the other thing I have to do is take a break. I am more than aware I have been working since early Aug and really could do with some time off now to let everything settle a bit and my brain calm down for a couple of weeks. I can’t wait for that time off now, but until then, I am ready to go on the next big challenge. 

Who knew it! Who would have thought a year ago that I would go to a work Xmas do and come away having enjoyed myself? Certainly not me, but guess what, I DID IT !!

When I was reaching the end of training, and was told what watch I was going onto, I was invited to the watch Xmas do. Now for background I have declined EVERY work do, for any occasion for probably the last 15-20 years. I am NOT kidding! So I had a decision to make, give it a go, or go by past experiences and just politely decline. From the first paragraph I am guessing you have already worked out which way it went.

Getting the information on the plan it already sounded fun, and from what I knew of the people I was going to be working with, I had a strong belief that I could actually enjoy myself on an afternoon / evening out, so I went with it.  Date in the diary, not much more thought about it to catastrophise about it all. After passing out, the tours have flown by and before I knew it, it was time. To give myself half a chance at having the mental energy to get through the evening I decided on a nice restful day building up to it.

SO…. Imagine my excitement when Jason asked me if I fancied meeting him in town that morning for a coffee and a drone flight. Not wanting to miss out on a fun morning I of course went with the flow and hopped on a train into town. This was knowing that later that afternoon I would be back on the trains heading in to quiet old Camden Town for the first part of the Xmas do, then back on more trains to get to SE1 for the food and drinks part.

After getting home from the mornings adventure, I had time to get changed quickly, get myself ready and hop back on a train. It was once I got to the train station to go back into town I realised that I had forgotten to charge my phone while at home, and was already below 50%. My phone and my camera are my secret defence, and the thing I hide behind when I am in uncomfortable situations.. You know, like being on public transport, being in a busy pub, or being around a group of people I am keen to fit in with.

For the first part of the evening  we went Quiz Boxing. A fun little quiz show styled experience where we teamed up and did battle over general knowledge for an hour. Fantastic bonding experience, and a nice way to slowly let my defences down and ease into the whole setting.  After that, it was back on the train and off to the Slug and Lettuce by the London Eye, for some food and drinks.  Thankfully Katherine had managed to reserve us a little spot at the back of the place, so at least the evening was not spent being knocked around in a pub which was heaving.

The drinks flowed, I of course was on the cokes, and not the sort being served up in the toilets I might add! We sat, chatted, laughed, gossiped, ate food and drank plenty, and when I felt I had had enough, I excused myself, had a few hugs, and called it a night. Walking to the station and hopping on the train home.

This morning, it is fair to say I felt the effects, a little mentally exhausted, but for the first time in ages, not from trying to be someone I am not, and not from trying to impress people. I was just tired from the level of engagement I had had , and nothing more. No fakery, no bullshit, just straight up engagement and enjoyment, on a level I cannot recall ever having experienced.

Being among such a relaxed group of people, with nothing to prove, no reputation to live up to, or expectations to satisfy was delightful, and I can’t believe I am saying this, but something I would happily do again (once my batteries have recharged).

So this is me, saying thank you to the whole team for a great, fun and genuine evening out. Thank you for reminding me it IS actually possible to be out there in the scary wide world, and not spend every moment of the time internalising what people are thinking of you. How your last comment was received, and what they will be saying about you when you leave. It is SO refreshing.

Who am I becoming…. What will I be like in a years time. Let’s wait and see.

Ever since I was a little boy I have had a bad relationship with my teeth. There, I said it, it’s a fact. My earliest memories are visiting the dentist on Sydenham High St, Dr Wright I believe. Nice enough guy, funny mop of a haircut and a big moustache…Open wiiiiiiide!

I had the occasional filling, and recall this was always done without anaesthetic, I was always confused when people said about having injections for theirs. That nasty metallic taste in your mouth regardless of what they were doing. Rinse and spit!

At some point I went to Kings College dental hospital and had 4 of my back teeth out to make room for my teeth to move, so my teeth could be straightened. Alas, that was probably the last meaningful action I had carried out, as no braces ever materialised, and I was blighted with a big ol’ buck tooth at the front. Throughout my childhood, and into my young adult life, all pictures of me are with a closed mouth smile.

Sadly this poor relationship with my mouth continued and my oral maintenance became worse and worse. In my early 20s I was having more extractions from decay and toothache, and so the spiral continued.

Looking back through my photos on Facebook and from holidays in my 30s, 40s and into my 50s I have never been much of a smiler. Part of that is being a grumpy git, and the other part is hating my teeth to the point its easier to just grin at best. Until now….

Recently, with the change of job, the boost in confidence, and the wish to give myself a fighting chance as I get older, I have decided to do something about it. Something rather drastic in fact, and dare I say fuckin expensive too! We are talking 5 digits before decimal points here.

I will go more into detail, probably over on my other blog, but wanted to note it here. After all it will hopefully have quite a profound effect on my mental health as well as my oral and physical health.

I have dates all booked for the build up to the start of the procedures, and a date for surgery booked. Time off work is also booked to allow healing and settling, so it is all rather exciting. After 51 year, I am getting all I want for Xmas…. My two front teeth (and then some)

At the end of last tour I was asked if I was OK going semi solo for the next one. Of course I was delighted to hear that being said, and pretty confident that all will be OK. That said, I also know I won’t be sleeping much tonight lol.

It is great to know that the people in the position to make that decision are clearly happy enough for me to take that step. Especially given that I know it is not an act of desperation or just making up the numbers, as we have plenty of us in next tour.

Some of the group that I trained with have already taken that step and are flying totally solo now. I on the other hand have stayed buddies with someone up until now, with them listening in on my calls. The next step is to have no one actually listening in on the call, but to be close enough by to offer help if needed, and if not on a call themselves, be able to hear what is going on on my end of the call .

Like I say, tonight will be an interesting one trying to sleep. I have gotten a lot better and switching off most of the time, and putting thoughts out of my mind, however for things like this, I am sure that will be a bit more of a struggle.

You may recall a while back when I was still in the application and vetting stages of things, I said there would be a non stop list of points where I would still feel I had to overcome and achieve, would I get through the interview, would I get past vetting, could I pass training etc.  Well this is one of the later stages of that non stop process. Can I cope going it alone?~

Answer…. YES. Of course I can, however the eternal doubt in my mind is going to be playing some mean tricks on me from here on in. I am solo but not alone. I am speaking one on one with the callers, but am surrounded by a wealth of knowledge and support to make sure everything is OK for everyone involved. So all is well. It is another milestone to pass, something else to achieve, and then we are onto the next step and the next point of question for myself.

At the end of this tour we have the Xmas do for our watch, which means getting to know everyone a little better outside the work environment. Masks off, guards down, this is the real me kinda moment. Not that I expect that to look any different to the person I am at work anyway. I can honestly say I am the most genuine version of myself at work than I have been for decades, and it feels great.

So the coming week is something I am really looking forward to, and have every faith in myself. It is about time I felt like that, and is only possible because of the fabulous people around me both in and out of work who give me the confidence to feel that way.  Thank you all.

Lots more to write about lots more things, but I will have to decide where they go and when I write them. Can I write another before dinner this evening?

Thanks for reading.

The last two entries are NOT to my liking and have caused far more stress than they were intended to. The whole point of them was to get some thoughts off my mind and to help me relax before a couple of stressful moments ahead. Instead they have infuriated me, and done the exact opposite of what I intended them to do. 

Who know my outlet could so quickly becomes my cause of stress Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Anyway, I am not happy with how they have come out, the formatting is not to my standard and the content feels garbled, but they will have to do for now. 

Lesson to self… You have a home office with a nice set up for writing these things… USE IT !!

At the end of last tour I was asked if I was OK going semi solo for the next one.
Of course I was delighted to hear that being said, and pretty confident that all
will be OK. That said, I also know I won’t be sleeping much tonight lol,

It is great to know that the people in the position to make that decision are
clearly happy enough for me to take that step. Especially given that Iknow it is
not an act of desperation or just making up the numbers, as we have plenty of
us in next tour.

Some of the group that I trained with have already taken that step and are
flying totally solo now. I on the other hand have stayed buddies with someone
up until now, with them listening in on my calls, The next step is to have no one
actually listening in on the call, but to be close enough by to offer help if needed,
and if not on a call themselves, be able to hear what is going on on my end of
the call

Like Isay tonight will be an interesting one trying to sleep. I have gotten a lot
better and switching off most of the time, and putting thoughts out of my mind,
however for things like this, I am sure that will be a bit more of a struggle.

So the coming week is something I am really looking forward to, and have every
faith in myself, It is about time I felt like that, and is only possible because of the
fabulous people around me both in and out of work who give me the confidence
to feel that way, Thank you all,

Lots more to write about lots more things, but I will have to decide where they
go and when I write them. Can I write another before dinner this evening?

Thanks for reading.

You may recall a while back when I was still in the application and vetting
stages of things, I said there would be a non stop list of points where I would
stil feel I had to overcome and achieve, would I get through the interview,
would I get past vetting, could I pass training etc. Well this is one of the later
stages of that non stop process. Can I cope going it alone?

Answer.”.YES. Of course I can, however the eternal doubt in my mind is going
to be playing some mean tricks on me from here on in. I am solo but not alone. I
am speaking one on one with the callers, but am surrounded by a wealth of
knowledge and support to make sure everything is OK for everyone involved
So all is well. It is another milestone to pass, something else to achieve, and then
we are onto the next step and the next point of question for myself.

At the end of this tour we have the Xmas do for our watch, which means getting
to know everyone a little better outside the work environment. Masks off,
guards down, this is the real me kinda moment. Not that I expect that to look
any different to the person I am at work anyway, I can honesty say I am the
most genuine version of myself at work than I have been for decades, and it
feels great,

Ever since I was a little boy I have had a bad relationship with my teeth. There, I said it, it’s a fact. My earliest memories are visiting the dentist on Sydenham High St, Dr Wright I believe. Nice enough guy, funny mop of a haircut and a big moustache…Open wiiiiiiide!

I had the occasional filling, and recall this was always done without anaesthetic, I was always confused when people said about having injections for theirs. That nasty metallic taste in your mouth regardless of what they were doing. Rinse and spit!

At some point I went to Kings College dental hospital and had 4 of my back teeth out to make room for my teeth to move, so my teeth could be straightened. Alas, that was probably the last meaningful action I had carried out, as no braces ever materialised, and I was blighted with a big ol’ buck tooth at the front. Throughout my childhood, and into my young adult life, all pictures of me are with a closed mouth smile.

Sadly this poor relationship with my mouth continued and my oral maintenance became worse and worse. In my early 20s I was having more extractions from decay and toothache, and so the spiral continued.

Looking back through my photos on Facebook and from holidays in my 30s, 40s and into my 50s I have never been much of a smiler. Part of that is being a grumpy git, and the other part is hating my teeth to the point its easier to just grin at best. Until now….

Recently, with the change of job, the boost in confidence, and the wish to give myself a fighting chance as I get older, I have decided to do something about it. Something rather drastic in fact, and dare I say fuckin expensive too! We are talking 5 digits before decimal points here.

I will go more into detail, probably over on my other blog, but wanted to note it here. After all it will hopefully have quite a profound effect on my mental health as well as my oral and physical health.

I have dates all booked for the build up to the start of the procedures, and a date for surgery booked. Time off work is also booked to allow healing and settling, so it is all rather exciting. After 51 year, I am getting all I want for Xmas…. My two front teeth (and then some)