Snazy – My mind, my fight, my story.

Hello stranger… Long time!

June 6, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

A phrase used too much these days when we lose contact with people for an extended period of time, and then get back in touch.

By extended period of time, I mean relative to the usual level of communication you usually have with someone. If you usually speak every day or so, maybe it’s a week. A less frequent contact, maybe months or even a year or so.

But I just wanted to take a moment to say, “hey, how you doing. I hope all is well with you. Maybe we can catch up some time. I’m always here.”

It’s so easy to lose touch with someone, in our busy lives with so many connections, people can fall off the radar for a bit before you realise. And by that time it feels awkward to suddenly pop up and say hi.

Personally, I don’t mind, it can be a year for all I care, it is always good to catch up with old acquaintances. For others, they take offence that they have not been contacted and get shirty about it. Me, if I liked you, and we didn’t fall out, all is well.

I have been kinda crazy busy the past 8 months or so, and am aware I have dropped the ball a bit with some people. So I want to make that right, and remind people regardless of what’s going on, if you need me, I will do everything I can to be there for you. It’s never a fuss. Although sometimes it takes a bit to get back depending on what’s going on in life.

So…. Hey, how you doing? Let’s catch up.

Eye contact understood.

May 27, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

I think I have finally started to understand my whole thing with eye contact.

How close it too close? For a long time now I have always thought I struggled with making eye contact, and that it was just something I wasn’t cut out for, but recently I have taken a moment to try and better understand it, and by golly I think I have sussed it. For me at least, not sure about other people.

We are taught that eye contact is important in social interactions, showing we are engaging with someone, listening, and giving them our full attention. However at the same time there is also the “OMG they are so creepy, they just looked right at me” too! And of course “are they staring at me, do they want trouble?” So while we are taught to do it, we are also taught it is rude, creepy, threatening and so much more. So do I look at people in the eye or not.

This is about to get real boring, so don’t say I didn’t warn you!

First up, over the years it has bugged me how difficult I found it to make eye contact, in some cases at least. Believing it was the social norm to just make eye contact with everyone I came into contact with, I just assumed I was a bit different. Which to be fair is not untrue in itself, but I thought I was the odd one. When I would go out in public I feared eye contact, and I think this is connected to my anxiety and the feeling of judgement. Only when I have felt really low have I hidden my eyes, wearing dark glasses even on the dullest of days.

So when I mixed in those experiences, with my beliefs of what social norms are, I came to the conclusion that I had serious social issues, and struggled all the time. Turns out that isn’t the case at all. What I realised recently was, when I am in good company and feeling relaxed I make eye contact all the time. With one exception… when I am in close proximity to someone. If I am relaxing having lunch with a friend, over a table I am happy to lock eyes for long periods of time (without getting weird). However, same friend, different setting, side by side in cinema, or in a coffee shop over a small table, and NOPE!

That is just weird, its too close and too intimate a setting. Obviously change the person to someone I am intimate with, of course I mean my wife lol, and that changes again. So it isn’t that I can’t, it isn’t that I don’t want to. It simply comes down to who, where and when.

So I am not weird after all, OK, I am not that weird haha. But I am certainly not the same as everyone else, I accepted that a long time ago, and that’s not a bad thing.

I would be interested to know from others, if others are even aware, what are you like with eye contact, and does it differ between situations and locations too? I am pretty sure as with other things most people are completely unaware of how they behave in such situations. However for people like myself I am hyper aware of these tiny little details, and that is the part which creates social anxiety for me.

This has been another steep learning experience for me with the new job too (I keep calling it my “new” job but its been over nine months now), having to engage with new people day after day, meet people from different walks of life, and find a way to communicate. It has almost been a session of exposure therapy, forcing me to overcome my self doubts and get on with things. And it seems to have done the trick.

My confidence has sky-rocketed, my ability to engage in conversation with people has improved and I now find myself being the one making conversation. I never saw that coming. Although to be fair to myself, I have always had a habit of awkwardly making conversation if cornered. Have I turned into the stranger who just starts chatting to random people? I don’t think so, but I will be mindful of the situation I put others in when striking up a conversation.

Right, enough rambling, I am off to stare some strangers dead in the eyes!

The next call…

May 27, 2025 waffledog 2 Comments

What will it be? What will it bring? Will I be ready for it!!

The thing about this job is never knowing what will come next. Call after call is a crazy mixture of the run of the mill call the the completely out there life changing incident. At any time of day, on any day of the week, the next call could be something you have never heard before. I was going to say “and are not ready for” but that would not be true. I like to think that I am ready to deal with anything thrown my way, I just don’t know it yet.

A lot of the time most calls are something you have heard before, standard automated things, routine procedures, and day to day emergencies. But a few times a shift at least there will be a curve-ball. Something that makes you think for a minute and do a little bit of problem solving on the fly. Trying to decide what needs to happen to make the situation as good as you can.

Every outcome is not perfect, some are quite sad, but speaking to a colleague the other day I realised my old personality trait of separation has returned, and I am able to distance myself from most situations, which allows me to think clearer, and be ready for the next challenge.

Now that you have read that, I want to add a caveat…. Sometimes, something will catch you off guard. And it comes in one of two forms.

The first is as expected, hearing something you have never heard before, and taking a moment to work out what to do with that information, and what is needed from you in the moment. For anyone who knows the role will know what I mean. It’s not a deer in the headlights moment. It’s not a matter of not knowing what you are doing, just about taking a moment to do some critical thinking, and work out a plan (in 20-30 seconds).

Imagine for a moment you have a really well equipped tool box, every tool you could imagine, and you have an unexpected DIY job to do at home. You take a moment to size the job up, and instead of grabbing the biggest most powerful tool you have, you work out the right tool for the job, and no more. That is basically what is happening here too. You don’t use a sledge hammer to drive a nail in, and the back of a spoon won’t do the trick. There is a fine balance.

The other scenario is from a mental perspective. You know some days you wake up and just can’t! The phrase “I can’t adult today” springs to mind. Obviously this is something you need to snap out of before sitting down for work, but it weighs on you a little. A little doubt creeps in from time to time and leaves you wondering if you can manage with the next call. Now don’t worry, this isn’t something that actually has any effect on doing the job. Rather a little sprinkling of imposter syndrome creeping in for a minute, and questioning if you can do this.

The answer is simple. Of course I can! I am getting the feeling less and less these days, and even when I do it is only a momentary thing. Once again, just like my doubts and challenges of days gone by, writing here enables me to read back and see what I have done, where I have come from and what I am actually capable of. So in those moments rather than looking to others for reassurances, I am able to calm myself, and get back in the game.

Now just before anyone says I am being over confident or cocky about things, I just want to add that I don’t think I are ready for anything. I would like to think that even if it were to be something really hard to deal with, I have just enough experience, and a of support around me to work my way through it all the same. This is the same for each and every one of us here. We are a team.

I have worked in teams before, but I can say hand on heart I have never worked in a team like this one. Of course nothing is perfect, but in the moment somehow everything falls into place and the hive mind jumps into action, with each moving part doing just what it needs to in the moment. If you hear a high powered car idling, it sounds rough and broken, but in the moment, smash the pedal to the floor, and we are away. Up to speed in a flash and ready to perform.

The sense of belonging brings me back each shift of every tour, and the sense of making a difference drives me to do my best, while learning more and more every contact of every day. I know it sounds corny, and a little cringe, but its true. 52 years on the planet, 37 of them doing a job of some sort, and finally this feels right. It is a bonus that I get paid quite well for doing something I enjoy doing so much. I have always said the perfect job feels like a paid hobby. And while this is not QUITE the case, it is the closest I have ever been, and I don’t expect to get any closer than this.

So, the next time I get that question in my head, having any doubt whatsoever if I am ready for the next call, I will bring myself back here, and have a read back. And remind myself of the thought process I went through to write this entry. Given all my experiences and interventions in life, I can honestly say, just like Craig David, I was “Born to do it”

As ever thank you for reading this, and I hope it makes sense to some people at least.

282 Days Later…

May 23, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

On the 12th August 2024 I arrived outside this building for the first time as a new employee, nervous of what laid ahead. As I walked around outside burning off nervous energy, and to pass time as I had arrived ridiculously early. As I waited I heard sirens approaching, and within seconds a fire engine came racing around the corner, and in through the gates.

Was this some kind of new starters welcome, putting on a bit of a show to welcome the newbies to the service? Well, apparently not. Instead it was the fire alarms sounding, and refusing to switch off. The irony! The number of times I have heard “the fire alarm won’t switch off” is unreal.

As per my last entry, I have recently passed my probation, so that brings the first phase of things to an end for me. Signed off as “competent” is a good feeling, but a humbling one too. While it is nice to know that I have reached a point where I feel confident , I am aware I know about 10% of what there is to know, and there is so much more to learn and experience.

I have been lucky to work with some amazing people, all of whom have a different way of doing things and explaining things. A wealth of knowledge all within one room, and so many different experiences which can be called upon in the moment to make any incident understandable and manageable.

I can remember sitting in the training room for the first couple of weeks, learning the theory of the role, at first it seemed daunting and scary, but as time passed we all started to learn the processes and procedures. Which in one sense was a good thing, understanding the process of what we would be doing day to day. However on the other hand there was a feeling of safety and a clinical environment, Which is fine for training but at the same time almost sets you up for a big shock when you hit the real environment for the first time.

My first couple of tours on watch I remember feeling like I was completely out of my depth, but was ready and willing, and really wanted to make things work. Determined that I had what it took, I talked things through, made notes and tried to make every experience a learning opportunity. The nature of the job means that no matter what you have done before, there is always a surprise and the unexpected around the corner, ready to throw you a curve ball.

But I think that is one of the things that really appealed to me about this role. Knowing no two days would be the same, in fact, no two calls are the same. Even the most straightforward of calls has its own little individual twist to it. Never dull, ever changing, always something to keep your brain working hard and you on your toes, and I love it. Even more so now that I am starting to get my feet under the table.

As time progressed and I went solo I have definitely felt the need to get confirmation and reassurance from supervisors. Just to know I have done things right. The most reassuring thing about the whole place is that everyone pretty much feels the same. We all have moments where we question our actions, check with others to see if there are other options, and make sure we never become complacent. Some people have decades of experience and still have the occasional moment where something doesn’t sit right and outside help and advice is sought.

My take away from all this is that I am in good company. We all have moments where we feel momentarily out of our depth, however we managed to achieve the main objectives, and all learn something new together each day.

In the time I have been writing this entry a number of incidents have taken place which have really made me feel like I belong in this place more than ever before. Challenging my thought process and my resolve, but somehow strangely rewarding too. It is times like this that it is unfortunate that I am unable to go into details about anything more. But rest assured I really feel like I have made a difference today, possibly more than a lot of other days since I started here.

It has definitely been a positive few days which have really helped me feel that the past year has been something that was meant to happen, and as my lovely wife would say “it’s fate!!”. Things have a habit of happening for a reason in life, no matter how bad or bizarre they feel at the time, things just seem to work themselves out. We might not find ourselves in the situations we imagined ourselves in, but one way or another, we end up where we were meant to be. As corny as that sounds, it has some merit to it. The older I get, the more I understand it.

Looking back there are numerous things that have happened in my life, some amazing, some emotional, some utter shite, but they all delivered me to where I am right now, and that is a place where I feel I really belong.. AT LAST !!

Right, wrapping it up here, I am in desperate need of some sleep, and the last few paragraphs of rambling probably highlight that haha.

Thanks for reading, and as ever, thanks for being here for me when I need those people the most. Like I say life works itself out, and it also weeds out the rough and leaves us with the best.

A big step forward.

May 20, 2025 waffledog 2 Comments

It’s been a while since I updated the world on how things were going, especially with work stuff, so given today’s good news, I thought I would write a little update.

281 days ago I walked on site as a complete newbie, ready to learn but terrified of what lay ahead of me. It was only in the days following that the full magnitude of the job hit me. But I was ready for it, and got my game face on.

12 weeks later, we passed out, and got our first real experience of what it was all about. Until that point it was all just theory, but reality awaited us. It was definitely a baptism of fire (pardon the pun) but in a good way. However as the previous blog entries show, there were definitely some moments along the way.

Many months later, and I genuinely feel like I am finding my feet now. Encouraged by knowing the learning never ends. No one knows it all, and every single engagement could be something new for everyone here. There are always questions being asked, so it’s not just me.

The biggest thing I have battled with (not in a terrible way) is confidence to make my own decisions in the moment. There is always someone to ask, but you reach a point where you don’t need to ask. Or at least you don’t feel you need to. Sometimes you are wrong and should have.

So the good news, today I was officially signed off from probation, so I am technically “qualified” and experienced now. But as I have said, I will never stop learning, so the words are nice but change nothing for me mentally. Either way it is lovely to know I have come this far. So I’m proud of myself for that.

The timing is incredible, as only yesterday I had an incident which I didn’t flinch on. Sometimes pressing a few buttons can be the difference between making something small happen, or something absolutely massive. Yesterday was the latter. Once you have an understanding of the consequences of making that decision, sometimes you look in awe and fear at the same time as you do it. Sorry it’s all a bit cryptic.

So yesterday was one of those, but I went in with full confidence, and it felt good. Today my probation was signed off. They feel like they went hand in hand.

As the months have gone by, and I have found my rhythm in both the work, and the shifts x it has felt amazing. Settling into a routine if you can call it that.

The only big thing that still hangs over me are those moments of doubt. Can I deal with what comes next, am I ready for THAT call? There have been some wow moments already, so I want to say I’m ready, but every now and then that doubt creeps in just for a moment.

Anyway, lots more to learn, and I’m super excited for whatever lays ahead.

So I just want to take a moment to say thank you, sincerely to everyone who has offered support, an ear, or just endured my stories of wow along the way so far. I am truly humbled to have friends as compassionate and caring as I have, and have really made some discoveries along the way to say the least. I could not have done it without you. So thank you again.

Right, enough of the mush, I have a yard to walk and a difference to make.

Thanks for reading.

Laying in isn’t always bad.

April 23, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

Today I determined that the desire to have a lay in for me is not always a bad sign. For years if I felt the urge to just stay in bed when I woke up, alarm bells started ringing and paranoia would quickly set in. The feeling of doom and gloom would soon overcome the relaxation of just taking a few minutes to enjoy doing nothing.

Having grown used to staying in bed when I was starting to feel depressed or anxious, it became my first sign warning that things were starting to take a turn for the worse. Sure I remember lazy lay-ins when I was younger. Nothing to do that day, and feeling like I wanted to have some physical rest, but those days feel long in the past.

These days if I were to wake up and just want to stay in bed, rather than planning my days activities in my head, I would panic a little, thinking I was at the top of the slippery slope of depression. This is a self taught behaviour, and to be honest, a good one for the main part. Catching the signs early in recent years has led to better outcomes and shorter spells of poor mental health.

Having said that, today when I woke up I knew I didn’t have work, had heard the rain in the night, so knew I didn’t want to immediately go out for a ride or walk. My chest is still yucky so I was definitely not going for a morning run. So with all that in mind, I had no immediate plans. I got up to use the loo, and felt achy as I walked (lots of walking yesterday), so decided to get back in bed for a minute.

I think the difference in how all the information was processed is key here. Having logical reasons to want to remain in a nice warm bed. Not messing around getting dressed, and then trying to get comfy on the sofa. Instead just hopping back into bed and relaxing for a bit. Waking up gently, rather than in a rush, or with an agenda. It actually felt really nice.

Yet here I am at the kitchen table with a coffee and writing this now. The lay in didn’t last too long, maybe 45 mins or so, but that was long enough to tick the “I don’t have to get up yet” box, enjoy a bit of sprawl time in the bed without any stress. Me time!

So now I have a new process when I wake up, and one I have been expanding on for a while now. Wake up but don’t get up, take a minute to adjust and do a systems check. Open eyes slowly and adjust, don’t rush. When I start moving, go slow, I have time. Then a self check, how do I feel physically and mentally, do I need to change my pace?

If all is going well, and all boxes are checked, go about my morning routine. If not, allow time to assess what is wrong, and what I can do to correct things before getting going. If I feel a bit tired mentally or physically, slow down, even stop. WAIT… Let’s get this right!

I have the addition now to check the reasons for wanting to stay in bed “for a little bit longer”. Is it chilly, do I want a snuggle, am I feeling poorly, am I just a bit tired and need to give myself longer to wake up? Or like today, do I just have a free day, feel like pampering myself, and fancy a little bit longer laying in bed with my thoughts?

Writing this, and remembering there is a difference between the feelings of CAN’T get out of bed because of how I feel, and DON’T WANT to get out of bed because I fancy a lay in. Staying in bed is not always a bad thing now, and that is a great feeling and deserved acknowledgement here. THAT is why I got out of bed this morning. A cause and thought finally outweighed the enjoyment and relaxation of being in bed.

Right, I am off to do….. NOTHING today. I saw the doctor yesterday, and even he said take it easy for a bit til this virus passes fully, so that is what I am going to do. Maybe a lazy session on the trainer later at most.

Have a great day all 🙂

Rediscovering my mojo

April 3, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

Last year was a bit of a washout for me, not in a bad way, just I didn’t really have much free time to do a lot of the things I have done in recent years. And by that I mean cycle mostly!

With redundancy looming I didn’t really get out on the bike much at all, and to be fair summer of 2024 was late starting, failed to really get going and was over in a flash. Another great reason to have not been out on the bike much.

I did however do a lot of running last year as it was far more doable in the weather, and didn’t involve constantly washing a bike and maintaining it from being caught in the rain all the time. As a result of this my annual mileage was quite frankly piss poor, and my preparation for the winter months non existent. So it will come as no surprise that I really only got back on a bike last month.

Missing the winter prep is rough, as getting caught in a rain shower here and there, turns into being happy going out for an entire ride in the rain. Having a start to a ride in very low temperatures and feeling relief when the sun shows up and things warm up, morphs into being OK doing an entire ride in 0-3c degrees. Without that transition, it’s simply a no go.

Hence not getting riding again until the temp was at least 8-10c. But it is OK, I am in my flow now and happy to get out there, and hopefully I will be able to keep riding regularly on my rest days, and leave days right through the summer, into autumn and winter. I really want to get my miles up this year, and do some fun rides, especially now I have my little drones for recording some fun footage.

The most important thing here is having the feeling of wanting to ride, rather than the feeling of dread which has overtaken in the past. The obsessive determination to get to a certain amount of miles for the year etc. It really sucks the fun out of riding for me, so I am keen to avoid doing that again.

The gravel bike is serviced, the good summer bike is still waiting for its first ride of the year, and the commuter I bought is just sitting there doing nothing, and I am in the process of selling it. Impulse buy, losing money on it, but such is life.

Now I just need to find a sense of adventure and ride in some new places, explore a bit, and broaden my horizons as they say. I would love an international ride this year, but that remains to be seen. I would not do one solo, so just need to convince someone of similar abilities to join me for a little adventure. Maybe not AdH again just yet lol.

The weight loss is going well, I am close to my 12 month lowest again now, and hope to get below that soon, while at the same time increasing my fitness back to a reasonable level. I am aware that as the years pass now I am less and less likely to return to my peak numbers, but staying relatively fit would be nice.

Anyway, this isn’t the entry I came here to write, so I will wrap up here, and vow to get at least 2 rides in during my rest days and leave I have coming up. Hopefully a lot more than that.

A momentary low

March 29, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

Over the past few days I have found myself feeling quite low, more physically than mentally, but I think that has had a knock on effect. The difference my activity levels can make to my mental state is incredible. Every time I have a pause in my regular physical activity, I notice this, and have probably mentioned it before. In fact I know I have.

So this time around my activities have led to my inactivity. After my last tour I had a nice long bike ride, my longest for quite some time, possibly for over a year I think. The result of this was to have a tight neck and shoulder the following day, and it has stayed with me for the past few days. Not wanting to irritate it, I have tried to rest the best I can, so haven’t really done much.

The knock on effect of this is that I kind of lost my motivation. Maybe not actually my motivation, but more my direction and routine. Getting up in the morning I usually have a schedule, nothing solid but things to do throughout the day. If I am off work or on a late I will go for a walk, run or ride. Without one of those activities I am at a loss, and struggle to fill my time productively. Not being productive makes me feel like I am in a slump. I guess it is the memories of feeling hopeless and just sitting around doing nothing.

Some like to use the term PTSD, referring to the lasting impact of events from the past. I am happy just to call it “bad memories”. I doubt it is going to change, and this is a cycle I will continue to go through for the rest of my life, or as long as I can recall my last episode of depression or anxiety at least. So I write these entries to remind myself that these little lows are not the beginning of what I think, but perfectly normal and a passing moment. Again, I am sure I have said this a number of times before.

As I write this, my neck is feeling better, I have a rest period coming up, and the weather forecast is looking good, so it is time to get going again and do something active. Release some endorphins and get some Vit D from the glowing orb in the sky. Bring on the summer, and having some adventures once again. Winter seems to have lasted forever this year, but that is probably because I did so little in the latter part of last year, and totally quit riding as soon as it got cold. Mainly because of training for my new job to be fair.

This year I am hoping to stay active throughout the winter, and who knows, maybe even starting to commute by bike on some days. I was so sure I was going to commute to the new job by bike, I bought a new one just for commuting, and have never once ridden to work FOR work. I have however ridden to work a few times just to try out routes and get and idea of the timings and effort. Just to see what sort of state I get there in. Maybe as summer approaches I will… I hope so at least, as it ticks off the commute and morning activity in one.

In the meantime I am managing to keep active enough to the weight down, which is definitely keeping my head in the right place. Running is feeling easier, or should I say I feel lighter and running is more enjoyable, so I am able to do regular’ish runs, generally using the morning of the first day of a tour to get a run in, but I would like to be doing more. Cycling however is always my go-to, as I travel further, relax more and see more, even though I know runs are probably better for me.

At the end of the day, I am a lot more active than I was years ago, healthier than I have been in years, but am aware that I am slowly aging. Not a bad thing, it is natural of course, and I am mindful not to push myself too hard just to appease the ego and maintain my PBs on things. I can still run at a pace I am happy with, my legs can still throw out a 1000w+ sprint, and my resting HR is still around 42-43bpm, so I am happy where I am. And so long as those activities continue to compliment my mental health, and keep me on the right track, all is well. So a little low for a few days while I recover is fine with me.

Looking for the silver lining.

March 22, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

Yesterday I had some assessments at work, just to see how my development is progressing, and to make sure I am doing the job properly. I want to start by saying I am definitely still OK to continue doing my role, there are no issues there.

That said, there were some areas of improvement identified, some of which I was already aware of, and looking to get more guidance on, so there are no surprises for me there. However there were some points made which really made sense, so I shall go into a little more detail on this.

The assessments were carried out by different people, the latter being the assessment where I flagged up more of the areas to develop. In the debrief which followed, so very honesty and frank conversations were had, and neuro diversity was mentioned more than once. Anyone who has read more than a single blog of mine on here will know this is a phrase I am very familiar with, and a subject I am curious about.

A couple of years ago I identified that there was definitely something going on in my brain which made me think and behave a little differently to some others around me. At the time I was mainly focused on the mental wellbeing issues it created, and the anxiety it stirred up. But as I studied it more I realised there was a much larger impact on my day to day life, as well as my past, than I had ever noticed.

So to sit with someone with some knowledge on the subject and have an open discussion about it, as well as have my behaviour analysed from a third party perspective was a really positive thing for me. I have had many conversations with people I know about this topic, but generally with people who are not necessarily in a position to have an informed opinion on the matter. Being able to step back from a friendship and deliver an honest opinion is not always easy, so this setting was perfect. A manager at work, who knows me in general but has the opportunity to observe and report honestly. A genuine game changer.

I have never for one second thought that I would not be supported at work, it has always been clear that my employers are very aware of different learning styles and personalities, but I have always been a little cautious about approaching the subject. Not through shame or embarrassment, but more from being stubborn and too determined for my own good.

My mindset has always been, develop as far as I can, then if I am still in need ask for help. Looking back at that decision it sounds good to me, but in reality probably isn’t the right way to do things, especially when surrounded by so much support. So I am going to do things differently!

In the debrief observations on my processes were made, and comments made on how it appeared my thought process and work flows had occurred. For me, I am generally totally unaware of how these things work, but to have them broken down, and shown back to me was a game changer. I frequently over think things, and am more than aware of that, and have found ways to slow my mind down, and take control back from these spiralling thoughts.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, and therefore have never had the opportunity to address any issues which may exist within them.

UNTIL NOW! Having now had the chance to digest what I was told, and what we discussed, I can see that I have areas in which I can develop and grow in. If I can understand and take control over how some of these processes work, that could be beneficial to me both in and outside the workplace, so a win-win!

The first step here is to note down the areas which were identified, and take some time to work through them myself. So I feel I am in control of what happens next. The last thing I want is to become part of a process, rather than going through a process of which I have some input in. Being in control after all is one of my traits, as many will tell you!

Next up is to go through an assessment process to better understand these behaviours, and find a way to adapt so I can be at my best all the time. I think I know myself pretty well now, and as far as mental health goes, I have taken a long time to understand the triggers for episodes of depression and anxiety. That is NOT to say I have full control over these, as I absolutely do not! But I have become better at identifying when things are starting to get rough, and take the necessary action to minimise the impact of said episode.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, or some of the more intricate processes in my life. From doing simple tasks, to carrying out complex activities, I have some very set tendencies, and after yesterday I am definitely more aware of them.

So the assessment process. Well that is a bit of an unknown for me for two reasons. Firstly, the NHS assessment, which I asked for two years ago now, and was recently informed that it had never been submitted. Regardless of the apology and the promise of it being fast tracked and hearing back soon, in the couple of weeks since the email… NOTHING! Not a word. Now I don’t expect it all to be taken care of and done in a matter of weeks, but some further acknowledgement would be nice.

Side note, this reminds me of the time I was sent for an urgent assessment for severe anxiety. I was told to go to the local health centre and go to a certain area. I went in, was directed by reception to a room, and there I sat. The appointment time came and went, and nothing. No one came out, no information about what was going on. Almost 30 mins after the appointment time, someone finally came out of the room and said they were sorry and they had been busy. Right, and popping your head around the door 30 mins ago was too much to ask… I’m here for anxiety FFS!

Anyway, back on track. So I don’t expect miracles from the NHS, however there is another route, and this is through work. Thanks to yesterday and my fabulous colleague taking the time to explain things to me, I have a bit of a better understanding of it all. There is a work provided assessment route, which appears to be a lot quicker than the NHS one. First doing a basic assessment, and then if required doing a more detailed one. The outcome of this is fed back through work and used to identify opportunities to change the approach to learning things, the chance to practise and better understand some processes, and in short, used to better my development, whilst not making me feel like a special needs case, or a burden. That sounds good to me!

Now I want to take a moment to reflect on my initial reaction to the debrief. Obviously there were scores and marks involved , we all love a tick mark, and I am pretty sure the X’s were not kisses showing love for my answers. Generally I would come away from that feeling deflated. Given there were 2 hour long assessments that day, amongst working my shift, mentally it was quite a draining day. Even more reason to curl up in a ball of self pity. But I didn’t! Immediately after the test I was back working the last part of my shift, awaiting feedback. And once the feedback was delivered, which I might add I stayed late for, I happily got in my car and drove home in horrendous traffic.

My coping mechanism, a voice note, a couple of minutes long, sent to a few close people to me who would understand it. (Sorry Lee, we will laugh about that for years to come 🤣) But looking back, what I was actually doing was a verbal blog entry. Saying things to process them and understand them better. It is just how my brain works, and I am starting to understand that part more too now. It started in turn started conversations which helped me better explore the situation. So all in all a a very good process for me.

I have just realised how many times I have said process in the process of writing this entry lol. But that’s it, that is what it is all about, understanding my processes, and how my brain processes things, and identify the times it is different to that of others. Not to make excuses or exceptions, but more to make adaptations so that the end result can be both on par with others and satisfactory to all.

I am excited to learn how I am different to others. Not quirky behaviours that just make me who I am, but the parts which would help if I understood better, to make me a stronger person, and better at my job.

Probably better to leave this one here for now, rather than say “processes” one more time! Thank you for reading this far, I hope it has made some sense. It did to me writing it, and as usual I walk away from the keyboard understanding myself just a little bit more.

A quick check-in

March 11, 2025 waffledog 0 Comments

It feels like it has been forever since I wrote a blog entry, so thought I would take some time in the wee small hours to get something written. I have to be honest, things are good, I have nothing to complain about, all is going well. Health is good, mental health is good, weight is coming off, teeth are settling in, and so on.

I am still loving work so much, and as I get more confident, I am just enjoying it even more. I really feel a part of something special (which it really is), and get so much satisfaction from doing my job it is incredible. What’s not to love? Good people, great work place, and so so interesting and rewarding. Do I sound like a bit of a kiss up now? Haha.

Soooo, what else is going on. Well, the sun has finally shown its face, so cycling is back on the cards. Not that I have ever been a fair weather cyclist (til recently) but having not ridden through the winter this year, the acclimatisation to the cold has been missed, so it has been undesirable to get out there. But that has all changed now, and I am back clocking up the miles and slowly finding my fitness again.

Speaking of fitness, I have dropped some weight and feel so much more comfortable now, every time I gain weight I get mad at myself and frustrated that I have done it again. But this time…. THIS time… Hopefully I can keep most of it off for longer, and maybe continue to lose a bit more, lets see. I am also trying to do some running to mix things up, and anything else I can to be flexible and healthy.

Oh, one thing of note, I thought of something in the end… A couple of years ago you may recall, while I was having my CBT, I was referred by my GP for ASD assessment. Well, that appeared to be the case, but during a recent conversation with my GP about another matter I enquired about the progress of the referral, having been two years. Much to my surprise (not) the GP said he could find no record of the referral having ever been made. A follow up to this from the practise confirmed the referral had never been submitted, but it had been put on now, and I should hear back shortly.

During my chat with the GP I said that if the referral was NOT already underway, then I was happy for it not to happen now, as things have changed for the better, and I no longer feel the desperate need to understand what is happening with me. Of course with any mental low that can all change quickly, so if it does still happen, I won’t be mad. However I appreciate the incredible load on the system these days.

I can’t really think of much more to say right now, other than I have some assessments for work coming up soon, and then my probation validations, which will hopefully go OK. Oh and that I am still really torn about booking a summer holiday… Mustn’t grumble eh.

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