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Tag: motivation

Published on Leave a comment on Things ain’t right!

I know, I know, I said it before, but I just wanted to get things straight in my head.

Since the last entry I have had a week off work, got lots of odd jobs done, achieved a few things, thought a lot, seen friends, been out a couple of times, went to see Michael McIntyre and so on. Plenty of me time is the main thing there. 
Sadly I have also spent a lot of money that I don't have yet in order to get those jobs I mentioned done. I have had a few nice bike rides too, and spent time walking the dogs. 

But with all that said and done, I don't feel right. 
Last night was a prime example, but before I get to that, let me do a quick pupdate.
House training is finally getting there, habits are starting to form, and her true personality is starting to shine through. Much as I had hoped (like my others) she loves being solitary, will take herself off up the hallway, or into the bed in the corner of the living room. She has even taken to sleeping outside at night for a few hours at a time now too. Unfortunately Kallik likes sleeping outside too, and her being out there annoys him slightly, which he vocalises. Sadly that is not ideal at 1am.  It is not her being there that bothers him, but more when she gets ants in her pants and starts wandering around the garden. Work in progress there then, but definitely progress. 

Ironically, for a dog that likes to be on her own, it seems she is a little attached to me. Even when Ann is in she can get vocal if I go out. That said we were out for 3 hours the other day, and not so much as a whisper. It is very sporadic, occasionally we go out and nothing. Sometimes a little moan then nothing. Sometimes nothing then a moan, then nothing, and every now and then she is vocal for the majority of the time we are out. Boredom more than separation anxiety I would say, but can't quite put my finger on the trigger.  Strange!

Anyway, back to me, last night...
Over the past couple of nights there have been a couple of foxes in nearby gardens being very noisy, its that time of year and all. Anyway, Kallik is a big fan of foxes and likes to introduce himself. When he knows they are around he gets very unsettled.
Deciding on an early night last night, I climbed into bed and within minutes the foxes started, Kallik who was in the back garden started and a nightmare begun. I brought him in, but instead of settling he whined to go back out, which wound the others up too.  Nothing I have not been through before, and as irritating as it is, you get by. 

However, last night I could not settle. I think I was more unsettled than the dogs were. Aware of my heart pounding, and still full of food from a big dinner I felt thoroughly unsettled and borderline unwell. Mistaking being bloated for pressure in the chest and so on, I spiralled for the first time in a long time. It was not til about 2am I got back into feeling OK again, and settled enough to get a few hours sleep. On the plus side of all this, Freyja managed almost 8 hours without going out into the garden for a wee, and the house stayed dry, so small mercies and all that. 

The issue lays with the four hours I had to myself, to mentally beat myself up, and over think for the first time in a while. It is amazing what you can come up with left in the company of a mad-man aka your own mind. The bloated feeling got me thinking about health and weight, the over thinking part of it got me concerned about my mental state.

Starting with physical fitness and health. For my age I guess I am doing OK. More active than a large percentage in my age group, good resting heart rate, athleticism isn't too shabby. So they are the positives. The negatives... I eat too much junk food, I am over weight, my BP is higher than normal, and I am cheating myself by not being lighter and faster. Looking back at historic numbers I am heavy and slow now. Where as before I was quite heavy and quite quick lol. Age plays a part, state of mind doesn't help and I will come to that. But ultimately I need to shift some weight. Pretty sure I have said that a lot recently, but I just CANNOT find the motivation to stay on the wagon. I have lost some, but then I lost the enthusiasm. If weight were enthusiasm, I would be 8 stone now!

Then there is the mind, which really is not playing ball right now. I know I have said a few times now that I am doing OK in the face of such big changes, however I am left wondering if I am just putting on a brave face, and am actually struggling. Or maybe that is just me not giving myself enough credit for handling something well. 
I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. In general I feel confident that I will have a job when I am ready. Like I have said, there are offers there, so I can kinda confidently say "I have a job" to go to, just not sure which one yet. In the meantime I continue to look and consider others, occasionally applying.  So it is fair to say I am not putting a face on in that regard.

Possibly one of the areas I am having a bit of an internal debate is what I actually want to do. Out the gate I said I want to make a difference, help with change in people, feel I have achieved something, and that remains true. However I also want to be happy and mentally healthy too, so there is balance to be found. Having worked part time for 15 years almost, I know going back to full time work will have an impact. Morning rides and runs will not be as easy or frequent anymore. I am OK with that, I think. Well, especially as I have recently not been doing that much, which has not helped with the physical side of things, and weight. 

So, finding a new job.... check. Pretty much a done deal. 
Happiness in job / home..... semi check. I have only gone for roles I feel comfortable with, as diverse as a few of them are. 
Freedom.... That is gonna take a hit if I stick with my top 3 jobs.

That is probably the one hitting me the hardest, but the one point I have avoided thinking about too much until now. But as the clock starts to tick down, it is time to give it some thought. And based on some recent conversations, maybe also time to reconsider my top 3 jobs, and give some others some thought too. Things that offer me a little more freedom to organise my day. I don't think I have gone down the wrong path, I just don't think I have looked at any others hard enough to consider them critically, and be 100% certain on my choices.

There are a multitude of job opportunities that offer me more freedom to plan my day my own way. But the trade off is the job satisfaction, and I am not too sure I want to compromise that. Out of the frying pan springs to mind. 

So what is this, or are these other paths....?
Well the first is re-training. Something along the lines of counselling. Rewarding, feel like I am giving back, and something I have some experience in, and some "transferrable skills" (see I do read all the job application forms!! lol). It would require me to do a college course, and get some qualifications. In the meantime I would need to get a less satisfying part time job to allow the study / income balance. But of all the ideas I have had over many years, this is one I come back to frequently. I could even use that skillset in other roles that appeal to me, so a win win. 

The other is back to basics, driving of some kind. Anything is a consideration, from buses, to lorries, to Uber, whatever. Just something I can just get on an do, while contemplating what comes next for me.

All of the above deserve a little consideration, while waiting on the primary list to sort itself out. Seems patience is truly a virtue when it comes to getting the ball rolling with job offers. Three months since passing all the assessments, and still waiting on a placement. Phew, this is intense. 

Anyway, I am going a bit all over the place here. So to wrap this up, I guess what has come out of my head in this writing session is that I need to be kind to myself, not blinker my views on the road or roads ahead, and appreciate that there is a lot going on right now. My life can be viewed as every aspect being suspended in the air like a mobile for a baby. Hanging from strings, bobbing around but going nowhere at the moment. Just waiting for things to actually move to get an idea of what comes next and what it looks like.

God I needed this time to write. Can't say I have discovered anything ground-breaking, but getting it out of my head and into the ether always feels better. The pressure has been released once again.

Now, back to beating myself up about my weight and appearance. And trying to find that illusive bit of motivation and willpower I need to get things moving again. I always say routine is the key, and it is... Just got to find mine. Maybe the nicer weather will help... And of course putting the cakes down!

As ever, thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Which came first, the spiral or the doubt?

With so much going on in the world recently, and a somewhat intense 2020 so far, it is easy to lose track of oneself. Usually self help checks keep me on my game, but with time taken on other more pressing matters than my own well-being, it has been a time where I have let things slip. And now I am left wondering just how much has slipped by un-noticed. 

At the start of the year, after getting my head back out of the sand from Xmas and all that comes with that, we moved straight on to the first event of the year being the trip to Svalbard. As I am sure most are aware, Ann (my better half) suffered a somewhat catastrophic accident in the first few days there, resulting in an airlift, a trip to the hospital, emergency flights home, and being operated on and hospitalised within days of arrival back in the UK. The road to recovery is long, and the first month or so of that was very intense. So naturally, and completely unbegrudgingly, I got stuck in, and focused on her recovery.

At the same time, my chest had been bad prior to the trip to Svalbard, so I had not been cycling to work as usual, but instead driving. So on my return to work, and keen to spend as much time at home caring for Ann, I chose to continue to drive to and from work. I have to say by this point I was getting a bit lazy anyway, so it was a great excuse. 

Now cycling for me has always been a good escape, a chance to think, burn calories, and breaaaathe!! So three months in to the year and no cycling, well that's not good!

Mid to late March, and Covid-19 became a reality, so in a last minute rush, a work from home scheme was set up, so commuting on the bike became unnecessary, so even less opportunity or inclination to ride a bike. It's not going well at all. Needless to say, we all know how things went from there. UK lockdown, restrictions on activity and being outdoors, as well as an extra nudge from my wonderful introvert mind, and that was me done with going out.

A few attempts have been made along the way. In March just before lockdown I managed one single ride on the new bike in Richmond with Jason, then that was me done with outdoors. So, onto the trainer, and for a few weeks I got stuck in with Zwift, then a few things happened and interest started to fade again. Next up, running. By this point I am more than aware I am gaining weight, eating crap and not doing enough activity to balance not only my mind, but also my body. More weight piling on, and less and less inclination to do anything about it. 

Now here we are in early June. More weight gained, all efforts and activities have completely ceased now, my interest is near rock bottom, but my frustration is through the roof. Once again fat, a noticeable change in my resting heart rate, I feel heavy and slow, and a huge part of me is struggling to get back on my feet. But that tiny powerful little part of my mind won't let me. Am I making excuses, and I getting too old for this "get fit" shit? 

I will go with the former for the majority of it, it's just in my head, and I am just making excuses. Sure, I was going to give P90X another go, but by week 4 I was struggling with recovery, starting to skip sessions or part of, and really fighting to find the willpower to push through the discomfort. Partially because I know previously discomfort has led to long term pain, not something I want to repeat right now, especially with restrictions on physical treatments. 

Sleep is suffering, falling asleep in pain and discomfort, and waking the same way, day after day. It's not how I like living my life, and I am desperate for a change. But without the motivation, and willpower to drive me, I am at a total loss on how to do this. In the past it has been a challenge to myself, prove something great, and achieve something greater. Right now it just seems like too much effort for not enough reward, and my mind just shuts me down as soon as I start thinking about it. 

I don't want greatness, I don't want the bulk of the past, I just want to be healthier, and feel it both mentally and physically. 

Deep inside, I know my lack of cycling is not helping at all, in fact it is one of the huge contributors towards how I am feeling right now. But with a "bottom of the pile" feeling, similar to how I felt on the first couple of days of London to Amsterdam, there is bugger all motivating me to get on a bike right now. Sure I have the trainer, but in this case it's just not the same. I need physical exhaustion to help settle me, but I need air and freedom too. But outside, isn't where I want to be right now, and people are my kryptonite. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. All that bulk I have put on probably isn't helping me struggle my fat arse free!

So as I sit here late at night, after an evening of watching Titan Games, making me want to try harder, and overcome my negativity, and watching dream bike builds, hoping to inspire my love and desire to get back on my bike, I am left feeling a little lost.

Am I spiralling here, am I off back down the rabbit hole? Or am I simply just over thinking everything, living in fear of depression, dragged down by all the negativity around at the moment, and just fighting to find my footing. I have the mental power to break free of this, I have done it before, I can do it again. But before I can push, I need to know what I am fighting, who is my enemy here exactly? 

I want to believe, that it is just a serious bout of self doubt, and that I just need to sort my shit out. Overcoming self doubt just needs one good hard push in the right direction, however I have no plan, so no direction at the moment. I have a home gym, I have road bikes, a gravel bike, running shoes. I am literally out of excuses, yet somehow keep finding them.

What I need is a plan, and a good one. Structure, direction, a vague goal, and motivation to keep me going so I can achieve what I want and need to. So now what? What do I do? How do I do this?

I am totally at a loss, and struggling.....Something needs to change!