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Category: my mind

Published on Leave a comment on My recovery from depression.

It has been a while since I sat down and put fingers to keyboard about my depression, so with yesterday marking the end of my 12 week CBT course, I thought it would be a good time to take a look back at where I was 5 months ago, and where I have reached in my recovery.

Along the way there have been many revelations, from who I now see at my support network, to how I perceive life in general and my interactions with people.

Back in Nov 2015 I started to see signs that I recognised as the start of depression. Low moods, withdrawing from interactions, trouble sleeping then staying in bed, avoiding doing things. All classic signs for me that something is not right, and an early warning that things are about to go badly wrong. Sadly by the time you realise what is happening, it is almost impossible to maintain control. You are along for the ride, however long it may take.

Once I was sure I was spiralling out of control, I reached out as quickly as possible to people I know and trust to try and give me the boost I needed, and the support I knew they would offer to try and see me through this bout of depression I knew was upon me.

It all started when I had a bit of a moment with a friend in a local cafe. Chatting to Sarah I realised all was clearly not well, and subsequently took a couple of hours off work to try and collect myself a bit. Telling my then manager how I was feeling, I felt that I was now safe if anything further were to happen.
The following week I was scheduled off work on annual leave, and as the week progressed, I realised things were just getting worse. The day I was meant to return to work I went to see my GP. At the time she was new to me, having never seen or spoken to Dr Paul, I was really anxious about who I was going to face, and even writing myself a script of how to explain what I was feeling and going through to this new person. To my surprise, Dr Paul turned out to be amazing, and set me up for a good recovery.

Anyway, the previous entries in the blog probably explain what I went through during my lowest points better than I can recall these days, but this is about what happened next, and where I am now.
I have put off writing this for a number of weeks as things have continued to change, so didn't want to get ahead of myself.

By the end of the CBT course, I felt truly on top of things, and was attending more for the rest of the group than myself. Or at least that is my perception of it. Reaching the stage where I felt I could help others was very rewarding, and gave me a lot of confidence back. So with hindsight I am really glad I stuck the course out. At the beginning I really didn't get it, and thought I was wasting my time being there, but as the course went on, and the group started to form a friendship, it all started to work.

Released back into the free world, I was not fully engaged in my fitness. Running, cycling, entering group events etc, and really enjoying myself. As confidence built, so did curiosity, as did self confidence, leading me to explore matter which were closer to my heart, literally. Sadly for one reason or another, I started to revert back to my submissive, "must please others"way of thinking , and I slipped.

A slip which has been rather expensive to me, and set me back some way. Backing away from what kept me occupied, allowing my brain its freedom to wander, really didn't work well for me at all, and still to this very moment I am paying the price. I guess I am not as "all new" as I thought I was, and old habits die hard! The one hiccup and break from fitness has continued far longer than planned, and I dearly need to get back into my stride, literally. I have a 5km event at the weekend, which I hope will kickstart me.

As the weeks have gone on, I have sunk back into deep thought, too much time in bed, and not enough activity. Telling myself each evening, early to bed, and out for a run in the morning, it is yet to happen. The closest I got the other day was going for a 46 mile ride, and that in itself was only inspired by making plans for the day ahead, and being proactive in case they didn't happen. (which they subsequently didn't)
It's a horrible feeling. Nowhere near depression, but a real downturn in my moods and energy, and I hate it!

That said, I know my symptoms are not THAT bad, as I proved at the weekend.
Saturday was a busy and interesting day, with a little bit of fun with the kids mixed in. So Sunday I thought I would probably take it easier. I had made lunch plans, but was mildly confident that something would come up and they would not happen. So I got up early, rode into town and met a friend for breakfast, then carried on riding til a good distance was done.
Lunch plans cancelled, I set out to the shops to buy lunch for one. Mid-way to the shops I received a DM on Twitter from a friend. All very strange. She said we had a mutual friend, and that they were both heading for to Wembley for a Bruce Springsteen concert, with a spare ticket, and would I care to join them. Seeing who my company would be, I didn't think twice. OK I did, but very quickly.

Rushed home, let the dogs out quickly and headed for the train.
Meeting them at Canada Water I was excited, in great like minded company with Gemma and Edel, off we went to see The Boss!
My greeting from Edel was very nice indeed, and a much needed huge hug. Everyone loves a hug, right! I know I do, and don't get anywhere near enough of them. Doggy cuddles don't count.

A great evening was had by all, and while we waited for the queues for the station to subside a little, we got into some very deep conversations. It was enlightening and relieving to realise how alike the three of us are, and right on each others doorsteps too. That knowledge alone has made me feel a lot better, so thank you Edel for mentioning me to Gemma, and getting the ball rolling. Strange how things work out isn't it.

While my mind was put to rest by this event, other areas of my mind are still all over the place. Falling into my famous old traps of getting involved and engrossed far too deeply with things. Rushing in eyes wide shut, then opening them once deep inside, and realising I'm out of my depth. A place I find myself right now, on a number of different planes. One day I will learn how to avoid such situations. But until then, I need to master getting my head out of the situations, without backing away from it entirely. That is what usually leads me to being a recluse. An existence I do not enjoy.

I am fed up of battling my mind. Reading too much into things, over thinking other things. But most of all I am pissed off with myself for this slip up from healthy eating and training. Yes, I am having a lot of physical discomfort recently, something I need to address, and maybe even see my GP about. But in the meantime, I need to start getting up earlier, not being afraid of quiet time (that my mind will run away with me) and just get on with being me.

So am I recovered?
Tough one really. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did. Maybe I am just over doing it, and getting run down? That's a possibility for sure. Maybe I will go with that, and just set myself some goals again. Get motivated, and get off my arse.

5km Olympic Park run at the weekend.
London to Brighton ride the weekend after
Pru 100 a few weeks later.

I have a lot to get ready for, as well as some other pending events too, to add to the list.

Surely the above listing is more than enough motivation? We shall see.

Thanks for reading as ever. I shall post something more inspiring soon, I hope.

Published on Leave a comment on Time marches on.

It's true, no matter what is going on in your life, what has happened, if you are paying attention or not, time waits for no man (yes, yes, or woman!).

It takes a glitch in the routine, a break from the norm to make you realise where you actually are right now. Like the monotonous daily commute, from time to time we look up and think "how the hell did I get here?" In reality we do that a lot, and think nothing of it.

However when something bigger happens, a change of job, a death, a break-up (well of course I was going to squeeze that one in somehow), once we get control of the spinning and pull out of the impending spiral of doom, suddenly it becomes apparent that things have changed around us.

This could be in many different ways, people, things, places. A bit vague maybe? Then I shall dig a little deeper.
For example, the people around us. There are those close to us, who we engage with daily. We know them well, and they form part of the structure of our daily routine. As simple as a shopkeeper, as important as a partner, they are all the fabric of our reality. Then there are those we tolerate. People we don't get much of a choice but to interact with, however wouldn't if we could help it. Co-workers are the main category here, although friends of friends can fall into this one quite often too.
Then there is "the rest". The background noise so to speak. We can come across the same people day in day out and never really pay any attention to them whatsoever. Or very little at best.

The crazy thing is, in times of confusion and need, all roles are reversed, and priorities change. In our routine, the background noise settles, and almost goes away, and we focus on the other two categories. But when routine is gone, all the noise returns.
An example if I may.
A busy underground station,  full of faceless people making their own noises, all adding up to a crushing bombardment of sound. On a good day, in good company, engrossed in conversation with the friend, the sound is barely there, we are cocooned in our safe, happy world. Take that person away, and add a simple niggling concern to your mind, and the platform is suddenly deafening. So much noise, hard to think, the mind goes into overdrive.

Thankfully, finding ourselves out in the wilderness of the outer circles of life, isn't too common, and in general we don't go through it too many times in life. Depending on what sort of person you are will no doubt dictate how you cope out there. Overthinkers beware! It's is a minefield packed with booby traps and potholes. That said, there is a way through, so don't panic. For most, it is a simple journey finding their way back into the security of what remains of the inner circles. Supported by our caring friends, normality returns quickly, and we are back on track.

All that said and done, there IS a point to this, so let me see if I can find it in the mess.
How can I put this without sounding too stupid. Who am I trying to kid, most of my blogs sound a little bit daft at the best of times.
We are like cogs, and to operate properly we need a certain amount of corresponding cogs to work with. Being like this gives us support, and allows us to support others at the same time (nice eh!). So when something changes, we need to ensure the cogs keep turning. For some of us we prioritise ourselves, and some of us focus on the others. Either way, the time we spend paying more attention to our surroundings is important. It gives us time to appreciate that its not all just background noise, and that some of it is good stuff. It's almost like an intake of new friends.
Be it, socialising more, and realising what people bring to the table, taking more time to talk, and appreciating just how much you have in common with others. Or sometimes that stark reality, that you were living a lie! Whatever it is, to coin a phrase "It's good to talk".

When we talk, we listen. Well that's the idea anyway. I seem to excel at talking, but listening is a weakness at times. In fact talking is important to me, it's almost like a release valve, getting all the excess pressure out of my head, and just out there. Doesn't need deep, intellectual conversation, just a sounding board to blurt it all out to once in a while. As you might have guessed, occasionally I use my blog for this purpose, and this could actually be one of those times.

Anyway.... When we listen, we engage, and connect with people, and this is the key to it all.
From time to time when these encounters happen, we realise we actually enjoy the interaction of a person, and wonder why it was so hard to have bothered with this before. Then, before you know it, they are part of the routine.

So I guess what I am trying to say, and I have to guess at this point as it has gone all over the place now... The point is, change isn't a bad thing. Yup, it's unsettling, sure it leaves us feeling lost and vulnerable at times. But the positive side is, it is like us having a review of our lives, and who we surround ourselves with. A short moment to take stock of what you have in life, and what you are missing from your life. And most of all, an opportunity to make changes for the better, and fill those gaps.

Maybe the opportunity will present, and you will shy away. Maybe you will try and make something out of nothing. Or maybe just for once you will throw caution to the wind, scream "FUCK IT" from the highest point you can find, and just take a chance for once.

However you have read this, please take great comfort in the knowledge that I have got all this off my chest, and somewhere in all those words, I have made sense of what is going on once more in my complex little head. Take a look outside once in a while.... It's really not so bad.