Michael Snasdell

New beginnings.

Having recently engaged with a bunch of great medical students, as well as the Royal College of General Practitioners, I gave some thought into a fresh approach to the blog. Separating certain sections of the blog off onto a different platform.

New domain, new interface, and just focus on the personal and mental health aspects of the blog in one place. No mish mash of other entries, just plain and simple “ME”!

Fingers crossed I can get this set up over the weekend, and see about duplicating some of the posts from here onto the other one, and in future keep things separate.

I shall of course refer to the new platform on here from time to time, as I know some have found a lot of information, which has helped in all sorts of ways, from some of the MH posts I have made, so I will do everything I can to ensure that this remains easy to find, and is available to people.

I had an Instagram project of a picture a day for a year running from Oct 17- Oct 18 which has now ended, obviously. So I thought now was a good a time as any to get a new project running, and hopefully I can spend more time on it in the coming year. Something to sink my teeth into so to speak.

The plan is to get the domain and platform sorted today or over the weekend, just got to do a last little bit of research before committing.

Watch this space 🙂

Education and enlightenment on anxiety.

Today has been a very exciting, educational, and rather exhausting day.

Many months back when climbing back to the top of the mountain from my trip to the depths of depression and anxiety, my GP contacted me and asked if I would be interested in playing a part in the education of some future GP’s. In the form of group sit down sessions, and mock GP consults at the Royal College of General Practitioners in London.

The initial group session was a blast, with a GP I knew, and trusted, having been on a long mental health journey with her, however the latter, which started today was a whole different ball game. A new location, new people, and travelling on public transport at peak time, what could go wrong, eh!

I left early, and missed the most of the rush hour, so at least I would arrive quite fresh. That worked well. 30 mins early, a walk to get some fresh air, and all was well. Arriving on Euston Road, I went into the building and soon found my way to the right place. Handed a sheet with my schedule for the day, a voucher (which I was not aware I would receive until recently) and a heads up of what to expect and when.

Settling down in the waiting area, I was immediately in awe of the grandeur of the place, stunning and modern, if not futuristic. Looking for friendly faces to try and make conversation with, I noticed that a large number of people there seemed to know each other already. Awkward, new kid on the block in the house!! Within minutes, the ice was broken with a lovely guy Brian. Making conversation with strangers is really not my forte, but this just seemed to work, super friendly and chatty, putting all my fears about the day at rest, one by one.

What soon became apparent was that the majority of the “role players” were in fact actors, given a brief of their character and symptoms. I however, along with Brian and a few more had no brief. Brian explained that we were presenting as ourselves. This was soon confirmed by the briefing and a quick Q&A at the end.  Take my experience with depression and anxiety, choose an aspect of it to focus on, and work with that. Sounded simple enough, I know my mental health pretty well these days.

As the clock ticked down to the first group going in, I wondered what it would be like to try and role play a real life experience. The first GP came out and introduced himself, and reiterated the original brief, choose a symptom and work with it. I was ready!

Michael Snasdell….. the first student called. It was time.

In I went, to find not only them and the GP but another 3-4 students in there observing too. A group of strangers, excellent! Given anxiety was my planned focus, it wasn’t hard to get my head into the role. Anxiety was very much present. Not in a terrible way, but at least in a way I am familiar with. So I guess if nothing else, it was an authentic performance.
As the first session went on, I opened up a bit, and really offered an insight into how I actually presented on the day when I really did go to see my GP for the first time. 20 mins in, the consult was wrapping up, and CUT…. Finally I can just be me again. Time for a debrief. I have to say I was impressed, thoroughly. Given the lack of experience in diagnosing mental health issues that the students apparently had, I was amazed at how comfortable I felt, and how realistic it all was. Certainly brought back some memories for me!

With four sessions before lunch, and four more after, I have to admit I was feeling rather exhausted mentally by the time the break came around. I grabbed a bit of the lunch they had laid on, then went out for some fresh air, space, and distraction from it all. My conversation skills were waning slightly by this point. Off to an exhibition over the road, then a stroll up and down Euston Road, taking some time to stare at the awesome St Pancras Station, before heading back in for the afternoon session.

Come the first PM session I was more prepared for the students, and if I am honest, a little harder on them, partially through not wanting to repeat the same story another four times, and partly as I could tell that I was presenting a little too easily. Sorry PM students, I did it for with your best interests at heart, and you all did an amazing job.

The afternoon was pretty much like the morning, if anything over with a bit quicker. Quick enough in fact for me to get out and away before the evening rush hour took hold, which was a huge bonus given how exhausted I was by the end of it all. After the final session  popped back to the first floor and spoke with Madeleine and Niki about how the day had gone.

As a whole it was a massive thrill to be giving back to a profession that is almost completely responsible for my recovery from various mental health trials I have faced in life. From telling my GP a couple of years back that I wanted to give something, anything, back to the health service, and help as many people as I could along the way, deal with their own mental health issues, here I was. Doing it!!
It doesn’t get much better than that! Genuinely.

Knowing I will be doing a couple more sessions of this is a great feeling, and I would love to be able to continue to do this, and anything else I can along the way, to help with the battle against depression and anxiety.

I was a little rather touched at being asked for a link to this blog, for them to read, as well as pass on to the students who had asked about it. Any regular and long term readers of the blog will know that I have documented my most testing of times right here, and left it all laid bare for others to read, and maybe benefit from should the need arise. I am pleased that some have already given feedback on it, and found some benefit or comfort in what they have read. It was the aim all along,

A huge thank you to everyone from Dr Elizabeth Paul at my GP surgery for suggesting this, and putting me forward to do these sessions. To Madeleine and Niki the facilitators of the course (I hope that title gives you enough credit for the amazing work you do). Not forgetting of course the amazing students who endured a day of mock consultations, and what I believe were some of your first experiences at dealing with mental health. And of course, had to put up with me!

Going back to the experiences shared with the students, I kept it as near to real life as possible, expressing fears and concerns which the conditions had presented me with at the time. Even referring back to the blog at lunch time to make sure I was staying on track. Open and honest, at times maybe even seeming a little “un-bothered” about things such as death. I won’t say it was nice to see some of them struggle a bit with the questioning phase of things. Having been under exam conditions myself in recent years, I know all too well what it is like trying to keep the structure of the scenario, while following the lead of the fluid situation. I am delighted to say that by the end of it all, it was a straight 8 for 8. I would happily have revisited any of them as a GP based on my initial interactions with them. Maybe preference towards one or two over the others, but that is just a personal thing, Professionally, bravo all !!

The debrief at the end of each session gave me the opportunity to feed back to the students in the room, not only the one doing the consult. As well of course as the GP mentoring them. This was my chance to offer them a little guidance on how the session had gone, any pointers for improvements for demeanor, and give any other trinkets of information about anxiety, depression, and dealing with mental health in general. Referencing this blog a few times, I explained that while there are drugs and treatments for certain aspects of mental health, the most important bits for me had been striking up a great rapport with my GP, which enabled me to touch base from time to time,and feel like I was speaking to someone who knew me. And of course the self help side of things, such as a diary and the blog, which I often re-read to remind myself of the journeys I have been on over the years.

I will be returning next month to do another session with some more students, and in the meantime will continue to seek out other opportunities to share my experiences and knowledge with the groups of people who are the future helpers for people like myself.

A massive thank you again to Elizabeth, Madeleine and Niki for this opportunity.

I will leave it there for now, but will sure to revisit this very soon when my mind is a bit more relaxed. I just thought it important to get this blogged asap, while it was all fresh in my mind.

It is almost over, 2018 that is!

I’m sure some were quite excited by the first part of the title, sorry and all that. There is no let up with me.

As the countdown of days left in 2018 ticks down, and the mileage totals keep climbing, I can honestly say I am looking forward to Dec 31st a lot!
More time to be spent on the trainer in the pain cave, shorter commutes on the dark and damp roads, and hopefully a few more decent rides at the weekend with my bestie before the end of the year.

All primary goals met, secondary and mini goals remain, but as usual, I would love dearly to achieve them none the less.

So right now my attention is drawn to the right set up on the right bike for the commute.
Paolo with his 32c CX tyres and disc brakes is more than capable. 11 gears to choose from, wide tyres with a little tread to deal with the dampness under tyre. But the down side is weight, and rolling resistance.
Then there is Luigi, who has seen me through the start of the year, right up until recently. 25c roadie tyres, reduced contact with the ground, giving less rolling resistance. A bonus in most cases. Slightly deeper wheels, so less fun in cross winds however.

A few weeks back I ordered some lovely Schwable Marathon Plus tyres for Luigi, make him a bit more winter capable. But on trying to seat them, I found there were issues, and decided earlier in the week to ditch them, and get myself a new set of 25c’s, nice slick road tyres.
Previously I have had concerns about road tyres and how capable they are at dealing with water and slippery surfaces. A ride in the Cotswolds the other weekend in torrential rain soon changed my mind on that.

So today, the new tyres arrived, so I got to it straight away and got them fitted. A quick once over for Luigi, and set up for the commute, and away we went.
Switching back to a single speed after spending a few weeks on only bikes with gears takes a bit of getting used to. No levers within the brake levers to flick while sitting in traffic, just bars and two brakes, along with a single crank, single rear cog, and a pair of pedals. All very different.

However, once you are moving, and you have remembered moving off takes a bit more effort, no cassette to flick your way through, all is well. Needless to say I did a better average speed to work today than I have for quite a while. I forget very quickly how much I love the simplicity of Luigi.

One thing that has changed is the saddle. Having swapped saddles around on a few of the bikes, Luigi has ended up with a Specialized Body Geometry Riva on there. He came with one, but this is a replacement, and it creaks !! Grrrr. Sadly finding a new replacement is a bit of a chore, but I am trying. Not sure if the Ronin replaced the Riva, but they look pretty similar. I am a believer in sticking with what you know (and were told worked for you in a bike fit). Decision on the replacement to be made soon, can’t take that creaking for too long.

I also discovered at the weekend that the set up on Paolo needs some work. Just some small tweaks, but I am working on those, starting at the front with bar set up. It seems to be working.

I am really looking forward to less pressure on myself next year, less obsessing about distance of every ride contributing to goals far beyond anything I ever considered previously. I must NOT set a goal on Strava for next year!
More time on the yoga mat, more time spent doing casual runs, and not driving myself into the ground. All round wellness is the key.
A few decisions need to be made, like what regime to follow, if any, and how to divide my time between commuting, turbo trainer, and running. Not forgetting actual “get out there and ride” rides.
I think first up will be easing up on the commute, however I actually enjoy doing 2-3 times the required distance each way. Weird huh!

Well, lots to think about, lots of decisions to make… Let’s see what happens.

Touching base.

I have written a few emotionally motivated blog entries recently, but less and less about myself. So, I thought I would change that today.

Hello, my name is Michael. This is my blog, and I would like to tell you a little about myself.

So where do I start? It has been quite a while since I stopped taking Citalopram for my depression. It feels great to be med free again, after what seemed like forever this time around. Of course, I am managing to keep myself busy with other activities to keep my brain balanced, and my mind occupied. That is not to say I have not had wobbles. It is actually pretty scary feeling a wobble, especially when you can recall so clearly where you end up if you fall.
The simplest of things can cause one, a small disagreement which causes you to question yourself, is enough to get things moving. Thankfully, I have regained my composure and stability before it was too late.

Cycling and running are really keeping me honest to myself. Requiring me to keep focused, and put energy into the activity is a great way to keep things going. With over 5,000 miles covered so far this year, I am pushing myself like I have never pushed before. To the point where I am having to call myself out at times and take a break, before I run myself into the ground. I already know that I will have to dial it back a little for next year, which may or may not cause a bit of a void for me. I am already thinking ahead to see what I can do to fill that.

Another thing that I have done to stay busy is my Snazy365 project on Instagram. (https://www.instagram.com/snazy365/)
A photo a day, for a year. Something to reflect the day, and to see if I can simply scroll back through them and recall that day from an image of one event. It has been fun, but all wraps up tomorrow on day 365! I am considering what I can do next, maybe a repeat, maybe something a bit stricter on rules. We shall see.

Other than that, work is the same, life is pretty good, and I am doing my best to be the best version of myself that I can be, without too much misery.

Tuvaaq is getting old and stiff now. Meanwhile Kallik is maturing into a lovely dog, calming down to a great extent, but still a little arsehole at times. After a long phase of sleeping outside at night, he is back inside. However has developed an annoying desire to go out at about 2am!
Then there is little madam Anya….. Well she has a long way to go before she fits my ideals. Some of her naughtiness is a little funny, while the rest is just sent to test us. She will get there, slowly but surely. I would not want it any other way.

So, that is about it really, I am still very much me. Annoying, opinionated, stubborn and a little arrogant at times. Life is good, can’t say I would change anything right now.

Where’s my head at!

Seems my mind is wandering a bit recently, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do certain things. Not quite sure why that is, but I can tell you it is annoying the hell out of me.

Prime example, this morning. Lovely morning, great forecast, fantastic weather for an early rise ride… But no! For some reason the brain wasn’t having it, so that idea was quickly written off. Substituting the opportunity of riding out in the glorious weather, in fresh flowing air, with riding on Zwift on your trainer is a weak choice, but it is the one I went with.

I seem to worry about being too far from home, mechanical breakdown, or coming off. Not things which used to cross my mind so much. Maybe it is experience weighing down on me, maybe just my mind finding excuses I will listen to, to stop me over doing it. 130 mile week again this week, almost 4,000 miles for the year, and probably not enough rest. If I am left to my own devices, I will happily over do it. So maybe this is a good thing?

Either way, I know I am missing out. So if it is my mind trying to stop me over doing it, I need to reel it in elsewhere, to allow myself the chance to make the most of the good weather.

I have Ride London 46 in a couple of weeks time, and should complete my annual mileage goal around the same time. Hopefully after that I will get this demon off my back, stop obsessing quite so much, and relax more with the weekday riding, and have a bit more freedom for the weekends. I also need to start making an effort to get to new places to ride.

Whatever the reason, it is pissing me off now. Not to say I am not trying hard enough, or achieving enough. Trainer miles, road miles, commuter miles, they all take energy, commitment and focus, regardless of what your beliefs are about each discipline. They burn calories and take a toll on you physically. That is one of the reasons I cycle, so goal achieved.

For me, there is an element of willy waving involved, a huge chunk of physical health, saves money, and the big one, mental health.

Speaking of which, it is really disappointing that my employer Fedex, does not participate in a cycle to work scheme. Given that it is a logistics company, with green commitments, a large fleet and employee base, and a vested interest in mental health (apparently), yet is caught up in the fine print of the agreements, so won’t get involved.

But back to the mental health bit. For me it has been a god send, however like anything, there IS such a thing as too much of a god thing. For me, goals are a strength, a vice, and a weakness.  Achieving them is like candy for the brain, obsessing over them, and the undying drive to achieve them is bad, VERY bad!

As I stand at the moment, I am on 3,876 for the year, so my immediate mindset is , “I must do 124 miles next week”. Not, it would be nice to, but I MUST!! Achievable? Very much so, not a tough ask at all. Sensible to do yet another 100+ week, maybe less so.
Immediately after that is 4,250, my mileage goal for  this year. 16 days of the year left, 124+250, would be nice to finish my annual goal before the end of the month.
Why you ask, I have no idea, it is all just part of this obsession with mini goals, and setting close to unrealistic targets.
We are on Day 196 of the year, there are 166 days left in the year, but for some reason, my mind, my ego, my destructive obsession almost demands it is done in one tenth of that time. Because it would be “good” to…. Where is the logic in that?

This isn’t the first time I have called myself out on this bullshit, and probably won’t be the last. Issue I have is finding the balance between realistic, and achievable goals, and pushing too hard to somehow please others in my mind. Looking back over the last month, I have done much better with rest days, easier weeks etc, so I need to keep up that trend. While at the same time, getting my head out of my arse, and focusing on the positives, and finding the time to enjoy myself , while at the same time achieving sensible goals.

Add to this all, the running training too, and it is becoming a delicate balance right now.
I have put a stop to my cycling training for the time being, as it was becoming a little too much for my body. My priority right now, when thinking straight is to get up to my 10km run goals, then work from there. Trying not to start setting too many running goals, as it will just start the whole destructive mindset all over again. But I know the 10km non stop runs are within reach now. Add to this, I have been accepted for a half marathon for next year, I know I need to work on extended range for running. Pace is key!

For both running an riding, I have managed to realise now that pace is everything. Not so much speed, speed, speed, but more cadence, HR, and pace relative to those. Push too hard, endurance is gone. It’s not a race, it’s a journey, as they say.

So, long may the journey continue.

Thanks for reading 🙂

So frustrated with weight!

I don’t get it, I am doing everything I have ever done in the past to lose weight, in fact, I might go so far as to say, more! But nothing, I drop a chunk of pounds, then just sit there stuck at a number.

At the moment it is low 240s (lbs). I am cycling 100+ miles a week, running three times a week, eating clean for the most part. Saturated fat intake super low, protein intake good, calorie intake is in deficit to burn almost every day.

The issue is two pronged. Firstly, I don’t like being this over weight, the numbers are too high, weight, waist measurement etc. It doesn’t look good, doesn’t feel good, and I know I can do better.
Secondly there are the physical impacts. Cycling I can do, running I can do, cycling up above average gradients kills be (as I found out yesterday, and stairs leave me a little breathless.

Recovery is great however, moments after the higher impact demand on my body, my HR drops, breathing settles, and I am able to resume normal activities. Ironically recovery used to be a weakness for me, but now its great. Just a shame about the rest.

100 mile ride, not too big a deal, managing to churn the miles out with no ill effect. Throw a few bigger hills in my way and suddenly (more recently) I struggle. Looking back a year or so, I was riding up Spanish hills in stupid heat, and while not perfection, it was more than doable. Now, meh!

So with all that in mind, what the hell is wrong. I don’t want to go off down the “it’s medical” route,I doubt very much it is. So what on earth is stopping the progress. Have I hit the wall, is this just a really slow and frustrating phase, or has my physiology changed, meaning I need a new approach. Time marches on and all that.

One of the difficulties I face is scheduling. I know I make life a bit of a rush at times, and possibly take on more than I can manage. By that I mean my own things, day to day stuff. Trying to fit in riding, running, commuting, working, a home life, seems a bit of a faff at times. Only this week have I managed to catch up with the weeks to match my running training. Running weeks have spread across calendar weeks where I have not managed to keep up.

So here we are on a Sunday, end of Week 3 of run training, now in sync with the calendar. Good miles so far on the bike this week too, with a combination of commuting and riding.

Another of my issues is obsessing about miles. Healthy or unhealthy, probably the latter. Seeing milestones within reach drives me to push harder than I possibly should. With a healthy annual goal of 4,250 miles, achieving it should not be too hard with the daily commute included. However, seeing the first 1,000 coming up , I pushed to get into four figures ASAP. 1,075 and I would be a quarter of the way into my goal etc. With only a few obvious goals it was fine, but now I am digging for statistics of my previous years, and obsessing about surpassing them in style. So much so, that after 146 days of the year, I am just over 100 miles away from reaching 3,000 miles so far! At 2,875 so far, my mind is saying do 25 today, then I only have 100 to do next week to hit 3,000.

At first glance, to some, that is not actually massive mileage, however, its the rest days that are probably my weakness. This is possibly where the whole thing is falling apart for me. Any healthy regime requires rest. But what is rest, and how much total rest vs “taking it easy” do I need? If I ride the easiest route to and from work, with low effort, is that enough to call it resting? Or do I need to take a strict DO NO EXERCISE day weekly, to allow my body to play catch up? It is all so confusing,

The last time I lost weight in bulk, I was not really cycling. If anything I was just starting out with occasional rides, and much more running. 4-5 times a week, improving in fitness all the time. Now, I commute daily, taking the longer way into work, equalling about 100 miles a week of cycling on my single speed.  Then, to get any fun rides in, I ride at the weekends on one of the road bikes, to get some air, light up my heat map, and tick off hills on the 100 Climbs list.
So am I over doing it with the cycling?

In reality I know I could do with more structure, could probably do with a proper nutrition review, wean myself off fizzy drinks, which can get a bit much at times. But with all that in mind, surely I should still be losing weight? Shouldn’t I? I mean, at least a pound or two a week?

That is where it loops back around to medical. While I don’t think it can be anything, I can’t rule it out.

So right now, I am frustrated! I need to get my head around it, before it gets itself around my head.

Stats at the moment are

Day 146
Active days 122 (rest 24)
2,875 miles ridden
Longest ride 102 miles
Longest streak 49 days

Ideally I need to remain commuting, but I guess I could cut the miles down, a bit at least.
3 days of run training a week, C2-10K so 30-45 mins per session.
A bit of training on the bike, probably at home, few hours a week.
And finally, get some floor work, stretching and yoga in, to maintain general well being.

Is that too much?

I know, I will draw up a written plan!
Right, enough thinking aloud, time to get something written up to start making things a little more structured.

Dropping the med dose.

It has been a few weeks now since I dropped my dose of Citalopram from 40mg to 30mg, with the blessing and guidance of the doctor that is. I have to say, it could have gone better!
That said, it hasn’t been a disaster. A few strange feelings and dreams as my body lowered the amount of drug in my system, a few moments of being a little bit distant, but nothing unexpected.

The last few weeks have been a bit of a challenge in their own right, so it is unfair to base any of that in a drop of medication. Maybe a small wobble from dealing with things with a slightly less assisted mind, but other than that, I have coped well. I think anyway, you would have to ask Ann if she has seen any other changes, but I don’t think there have been.

In the meantime, I have been speaking with a couple of friends who are going through the mill a bit right now, and have recently started following another blogger who is just starting out on their journey with dealing with their feelings, and the highs and lows life throws at us.

Distraction is a good tool always, so needless to say I have been cycling a lot too. No escapism this time, but more exercise to keep the goodness flowing through my body, and ensure I am well exercised, and ready for a good nights sleep. That said, looking at me and my data, it would be hard to believe that I am achieving either right now.

Weight is hanging on for dear life, after I failed to launch into a new round of fitness. With injuries to my foot and knee, I sucked it up and accepted that I need to take things a bit easier, certainly until I am in better shape again.
As for sleep, my Garmin sleep tracker supports the theory that I am not doing too well at getting a good nights sleep recently. Thankfully my get up and go seems unaffected, with me heading out early for work, to get more miles in on the bike.

I have blood tests coming up next week to see how I am getting along with my uric acid levels, hopefully all is still well there. Then a review, yet to be booked, to see if and when I will drop to 20mg of Citalopram. Add to that physio, MSK and Orthotics all at Lewisham hospital over the coming week, and I am rather busy.
With all that going on, my main aim remains to achieve my cycling distance goal which I set last year, of 3,000 miles. With the amount of time I have had out of the saddle this year, I am shocked I am this close, but happy at the same time.

Hopefully next year will be kinder to me, and I can set a really decent goal. I think looking back, I have probably missed a good three solid months of cycling due to foot and leg issues. Really not ideal.

Before I go, I should add that I have taken a huge leap of faith today, and stepped away from something I have long considered a support to me. Recently realising it caused me more stress and anguish, than good and help, I cut ties today, and already feel better for it.
The manner in which it happened was proof enough that it was the right thing to do.

So, here’s to a good weekend for all, I look forward to conversing with anyone out there who wishes to. And next week I can again start chasing my numbers on the bike, consider my next step with meds, and forget all about Xmas lol

Stay in touch people 🙂

Dear students… #WorldMentalHealthDay

First off, I just wanted to say, publicly, what a pleasure it was to meet you all today, and thank you for your time listening to me rambling on about my experiences with depression, anxiety, and lets not forget gout.
As I said at the time, I am truly passionate about helping people have a greater understanding of what it is like to suffer from depression. Feeling a bit down, or a bit grumpy is really not the same. I really do admire people like yourselves who take the path in life to try and help others, however sometimes feel that the theoretical education somehow lacks enough depth to truly grasp some conditions.

I hope today was helpful for you all, and that in amongst some of my tales and analogies, there was some clarity there too. I am grateful for the feedback you all gave at the end, and hope you took as much away from the session as I did. Thank you to Dr Paul for having the foresight to suggest the session in the first place.

There are of course many other matters we did not get to discuss, compacting a few years of depression, the rises and falls, is of course impossible for a 90 minute session. Hopefully in amongst the rest of this blog (Nov 2015- Mid 2016) there is more information on the subjects which may be of interest. There are also entries from way back too which reflect on the depression. My journey through CBT is also in there somewhere.

If you have any further questions about the issues we discussed today, please feel free to contact me via the blog, or emailing me with any questions on snazy123@gmail.com. Also, feel free to share this blog with anyone you choose to, there are no secrets, especially on the internet.

Getting back to the main part of the blog here. I just wanted to add that physical training, cycling, writing, and believe it or not, being tattooed, all play their part in the maintenance of my well-being, as well of course as having the love and support of my close friends, who keep me grounded.

Today for me was a stepping stone, a step in the right direction for me, with getting involved in something I am very passionate about. The understanding, from a first person perspective, of what depression is, how people cope, and what can be done to help them on their journey.

For many, depression and anxiety is not a life long issue, but a journey taken within our lives, more for some than others. Seeing people convinced that they must live by the pill is quite sad, and also worrying. Not to mention the lifestyle choice that people make when they are convinced this is them for life now.  Talking with people who understand and can genuinely empathise with what you are going through is a massive step, certainly for the people I have had the pleasure in helping in my past.
However not all cases are the same, and the idea of getting involved is in no way a pipe dream of a one size fits all fit.

For me, the idea of being able to play a part in other peoples recovery is huge. I don’t expect every encounter to be perfect, and am aware that my personality may not be suitable for all. But nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.
If actually being involved directly is not a reality, then the next best thing would be to continue to give my time to enable those who will one day be at the frontline of things. Using every day analogies to make sense of how the depressed mind works. I was pleased that my “it’s like” approach finally made some sense today.

After speaking with Dr Paul following the session, I am going to try and get my head around how I can get more involved. Organisations such as MIND are a good starting point, my only concern is how to explain my intentions, with absolutely no academic background whatsoever. We shall see how that goes, I will be sure to update the blog with any progress I make, as well as Dr Paul.

Any thoughts on this venture are welcomed.

Today once and for all clarified for me that I am in the right place mentally now, to start reducing my medication, clear the mind fog which sometimes presents itself, and get on with doing something constructive with my time.
If a legacy were possible for someone like myself, it would be wonderful to think that my efforts and words could be carried forward, and make a difference for even a handful of people. Especially those who are not as fortunate as myself, and have no immediate outlet or support network.

I know I said some pretty damning things both on here, and today about the services offered to those suffering mental health issues. I hope I struck the balance of both grateful and understanding of what is deemed possible from an academic level, whilst highlighting the short falling, and no mans land between what is written and understood, and what actually works for people struggling. There is a balance to be found, and hopefully one day, maybe with input from me and others, it will be achieved.

The message to take is quite simply, the input from the NHS and other health services is instrumental in building the foundations for a recovery from such an experience in life. However theoretical empathy only goes so far. Understanding, and experience bridges the gap which is left. There is nothing quite like being on the level with someone who truly gets where you are coming from.
Building baselines for all to understand, and be able to empathise with is key here, so expect to hear “it’s like” quite a lot from me.

Now I shall take some time to reflect on today, and formulate a way which I can try and create this baseline. The input from the students today has been key in building my understanding of what is in place, and what is missing from the current structure. Although I would love to build my knowledge on the academic side of things more for my own benefit and understanding.

Key words from today, baseline, empathy, analogy and understanding.

Just as a final note, I want to sincerely thank Dr Paul for her time for me since we first met. That first blog entry following the consultation was a pivotal moment for me, as has been the continued support from you. To have been given the opportunity to carry out todays exercise has been very special for me, especially on what turned out to be World Mental Health Day. Imagine that.

Here’s to the future. For us all 🙂

Thanks for reading as ever.

What can I do to help?

It is so frustrating at times to site idle while others suffer. Knowing you have information which could help others, you have the ability and time to talk to people who need someone to speak to. Yet no way or means to get involved at the grass roots level.

Over the past few days I have been looking into jobs in mental health, what qualifications are needed, and how I can help with the basic skill set I have. Apparently there isn’t a way. Which while understandable, is also frustrating. Sure you can teach people the basics of mental health, draw up a curriculum which covers all the bases, make sure people understand the fundamentals of depression and anxiety. But you can’t teach experience.

Somewhere there should surely be a crossover point, where experience and education meet, and can be combined to provide the services which are needed most by those suffering. It is great seeing big names coming out and admitting they are affected by depression, and explain their struggles. Saying things others can relate to, and feel like someone understands them. But that is where it ends. When you come forward and look for help, the understanding ends, and the empathy of education presents itself for the first time.

Having someone tell you they understand, because they have read about it is NOT the same as having someone share stories, or finish your tale for you, showing they truly know what the moment can do to you. The lack of this actual understanding is crippling for some, I certainly lost all faith for quite some time. Luckily I had the guidance to keep pushing me to keep going to the meetings, and to try and see what I could inject into the meetings to try and make them a little more “real” for others so to speak.

The thing I found was, as soon as I started openly sharing how certain incidents and events had made me feel, the whole group seemed to engage, waiting to share their experience too. A few meetings later and it had become the norm for me to offer a story, a real life example of such a feeling, to get the ball rolling, and by the end of the session we were all much more open about yet another aspect of depression or anxiety.

The difference to the first few weeks, and the attempts by the course tutors you try and get people talking, asking complete strangers to interact was almost troubling rather than helpful. Only being able to teach and discuss what you have learned from a book or lectures, while on paper might sound great, really isn’t. I reflect back to when my daughter was being born, and the midwife told her mum to relax and enjoy the beauty of birth. When asked how many children she had, she replied none. That didn’t get a great response. How can you tell someone how to feel about an experience you have never had… Quite simple, you can’t.
In very few walks of life would you take advice from someone who only has theoretical experience in something. So when it comes to something as personal and unique as depression, the textbooks just don’t cut it.

I desperately want to be able to intervene. Play a role in getting people who are hidden away in their heads, suffering in silence, speaking out. Not to the world, but just to a human who can be compassionate and genuinely empathise with them. Someone who can give their thoughts the time of day, and allow them to vent all the negativity that is drowning them.
You see, for me, and in my experience, speaking out is the first and most important key to the whole experience. While I have always been open enough to speak to a lot of people about it, there is a time when you feel you have exhausted them with the same stories, and you need someone else to talk to, a blank canvas. Unbiased, non judgemental, and willing to listen.
For me on my last round of depression, that person was Dr Elizabeth Paul at Wells Park Surgery. As my original entry says, I walked in silent, sat and just gazed. There was no immediate prompt from her, just a simple smile which gave me the courage to start trying to explain myself.

The whole entry is here… http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/the-trip-to-doctors.html

My point here is really, that there is no one right person or way for everyone, we each need to find our own. The person or situation we feel comfortable with, to finally take the first meaningful step. When I have spoken to others about their depression, the common thing I find is the almost relief shown by the person, when you can actually, first hand, appreciate the magnitude of what you are saying.
An example being, going to meet with a friend while I was mid way through my fight with depression most recently. I chose a place to have lunch, somewhere I knew would be quiet, no crowds. My anxiety at that stage was very bad, so people were not my favourite things.
All was fine to start with, however when we started eating, more people started coming in, sitting closer and closer to us. Paradise lost! Matt had no idea what was going on inside my head, but mad panic is the only thing I can describe it as.
When we left and were talking afterwards, in the nicest possible way, it was impossible for him to understand the difference 4-6 more people coming in had made. However speaking to other friends who have been through the same, they got it straight away.

The big issue here is, a lot of people just don’t have “that person” around them, and most of the help on hand seems to be from people who are well educated in the field, but really can’t fully grasp what you mean. This is a big stumbling block for people. Having finally spoken out about how you are feeling, to suddenly be faced with a stranger who wants to help you, but doesn’t understand you, is crippling.

From my experience, things didn’t go well from the start. From my first face to face with someone, it felt like I was doomed. The full blog of my first impressions is here…. http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/touching-base.html

You may be able to tell from the words that it didn’t really go too well, and I was left with a rather bitter taste in my mouth. If you read entries further into January, you will see things didn’t exactly get much better, not for a while.
Had this interaction been with someone who could understand and properly empathise and assess what I was going through, I think I would have felt much better about the matter. Seeing the speed at which some people dropped out of the subsequent CBT course, I guess for some it didn’t get better soon enough. When CBT was explained to me, it was a very rough and vague explanation, reading up on it wasn’t much help either. It was only being there, and manipulating it to my own needs, that finally started to make a difference.

After the initial discussion about what CBT was, these were my thoughts.


But the thought I can’t get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That’s how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN’T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

Here was a person of sound mind, with questionable experience with depression, certainly first hand, telling me in short that I was the issue, and I needed to just forget about the past, and look forwards. Not a great deal of help.

I would dearly love to be able to help people get through this first major step in the program. But it appears academics comes first. To me that feels like teaching someone who can already run, to walk again, because they didn’t learn properly. Sometimes, certificates, diplomas and grades count for absolutely nothing at all. Sure, along the process they are without a doubt very important, but for some aspects, you just need to understand, properly. Especially when trying to convince someone to walk out of their door into daylight for the first time in a month.

So here I am, frustrated that due to my lack of qualifications, I am near helpless to play a role in this. Sure some will say, volunteer for Samaritans or similar, but that is just not it. Could I turn my hand to such a thing, probably, would it be as fulfilling as the feeling I felt helping my fellow sufferers through their battle with depression, probably not.

At the end of my CBT course I did consider asking to be the plant in the room, the one who has been through the course, but is there to go through the course again, and try and get things moving. Sure the tutors are doing their best, but from speaking to them, the drop out rate is high, and our group had a “good” retention rate compared to some. That left me thinking that there must be more that can be done.
In the end the course certainly played its part in my recovery, as did a network of friends, and carefully considered distractions. But I honestly feel that I was very close to not bothering with the course, as my blogs show. Had I had some understanding and encouragement from someone who got it, earlier in te process, I might have started feeling a bit more positive sooner.

I applaud anyone who trains to work in mental health. It is a huge problem for our nation, and one which is only getting better. Lack of funding, not enough genuine cases being recognised, but for me, the biggest issue is the lack of understanding in what really helps people in such crisis.

So I am off to scour the internet fr ways I can be more helpful to others. I will also be speaking to my favourite GP about the matter when we meet on Tuesday. I know she won’t have the answers, but it is a start, and keeps my mind heading in the right direction.
Any thoughts on how I can get involved are welcomed, so please drop me an email or similar.

Thanks for reading, and here’s to getting a better understanding for those suffering.

Depression!

Yes, I know I write a lot about depression. Strange really, but it does consume quite a large chunk of my life in fairness. But this time it is a different perspective.
In the past I have recorded the lows of my days, expressing the loss of control, the uncontrollable feeling of nothingness, and the pointless battle of trying to get out from the slump. Then there have been the fight backs, the recovery, and the jubilation of once again rising from the pit of despair.
Not forgetting my attempts to explain the inexplicable to those who want to, or think they do understand the true depth of depression.

But like I say, this is different. A recent consultation offered me a unique new perspective on the whole matter, and made me realise there is more I could do, should the opportunities arise. To date, I have not sought such a thing. Although have recently set out on a vlogging mission, thanks to another chance encounter with another medical professional.

Back when I did my CBT course, I became aware that I grew in strength and self understanding, while talking to others about my journey. Not counsellors, but a group who were too suffering from anxiety and depression. As the course went on, so I realised that telling your stories, as you understand them, to others, helps them see patterns, and routines in their own lives. Once aware, you are slightly more able to take control. Spurred on by the confidence gained from realising you are not alone, and you are indeed understood by someone at least.
By the end of the course, I was overwhelmed by the number of people from the group who felt I had played a positive part in their improvements, and that my openness was key to that.

On speaking to my GP yesterday, I was very surprised when she expressed an interest in me helping educate a group of medical students. As we discussed it, the idea grew. On agreeing to the the seminar , I realised it is something that really interests me. When my mind is clear, I love trying to put things together and help others understand depression, from my perspective at least. Both medical professionals, and sufferers have something to gain from such discussions.
I am not saying I am the Messiah, and the key to depression. I am not for one second suggesting I understand depression in all its guises, I really don’t. However I do believe I have built an understanding of what you might call standard depression and anxiety can drive you to.

Seeing others speaking out on a larger platform about how they have battled with mental health makes me almost feel like I could do more. Be it making myself available to speak to others, getting going on the vlogging, or writing more, I’m not sure. But I do know one thing without a modicum of doubt, I feel compelled to make a difference, and I am truly passionate about helping with depression and anxiety. Maybe sharing my stories with medical students is just the beginning. Maybe I can do this more often?Who knows, but I will be sure to speak to the GP about this.

When I am low, I don’t look for help, but occasionally will reach out to someone I know I can trust. I am truly blessed to have a small group of friends who understand this, and are amazing at what they offer at these times. However I am so very aware of how long it takes to build the trust to speak to someone you know about it, or even find someone in your circles who you can talk to. Believe me when I say, that alone is one of the toughest parts of recovery.
For some people, they will either never gain such confidence in their friends, or simply not have the network there to embrace them. This is where it becomes problematic.

When you finally reach out for help, you speak to a GP. The standard assessment will be made, the score will be taken, and if necessary, medication will be prescribed. Sadly for some this is the start of the end. With a health service under pressure, and quite frankly such little understanding of depression from the majority of GP’s , you take the pills, feel a bit more balanced, and on you continue. No big attempt to solve the cause of the issue. Being such a vast condition, to a degree I totally understand why this happens.

However, if you fall and bend your leg awkwardly, you are not given painkillers and crutches and sent on your way. Investigations are possible to see the cause of the pain, and treatment given accordingly. Unfortunately the physical body is far easier to make sense of than the brain. And we are full circle on why most cases of depression or anxiety are left unexplained.

If you are lucky like me, and you get an amazing and passionate GP, like Dr Paul, your hopes are better. Along with Dr Mason (my work doctor) they supported me to the point where I could carry on without support. Like the leg injury, they were my crutches which carried me until I could manage alone. From simple sit downs to express where I was mentally, to dosing changes. And of course shoving me in the right direction to get CBT, and stick at it.

Of the tens of thousands of people in the UK on Citalopram and other such medications, I would be curious to know what percentage have ever had any further interventions than being medicated.
I am not saying medication is a bad thing, or evil and addictive. Far from it in fact. But as in my early blog, for me the medication is only there for me to rise back up from the depths of depression, and regain control over the matters which influence my mental state.

Debts, relationships, work and so much more can influence our state of mind.We can get down about it for a while, or we can fall further, lose control and begin to curl up to hide away from it all. That is the point where intervention is needed, and not always just in the medication way. Meds are not the solution for all. In fact I would bet most could be back off them, and balanced of their own accord within a year or so. Depending of course on the changes in their lives, and the root causes of their initial downward spiral.

Sitting here tapping away, I would love to learn more about the subject, and write something meaningful about it, something helpful. A first hand account of what some are going through, and a look through window into the future of hope. I am not the solution, I am not the cure, but I am experienced, and open enough to discuss it with others. Knowing my blog has been read by strangers and impacted them positively just increases my drive to help more.
Speaking to the students could just be the beginning. For the rest of the journey, I need to find my way.