So about 10 days ago I was saying how things didn't quite feel right and that I was unsettled. Yet just over a week later things could not be further from the case. I could not tell you what has changed to make me feel this way, but I can go through what I have done differently over the past week, and consider if that has made a difference or not.
The most important thing here though it how I feel, and what I am thinking right now. That is the main reason for this entry, to remind myself how quickly and unexpectedly things can change.
The first thing I want to say is, this is a reminder how quirky mental health can be. Like driving along a really smooth road, and hitting a pot-hole. A sudden upset, things take a while to settle and calm down, but if done correctly there is no lasting damage and you continue on your way. At worst, you need to pause, change the wheel and then get back underway again. As long as you maintain some sense of control. And that is the key. Knowing what to do when you hit that pot-hole.
Knowing that I am always in control, no matter how uneven the road is makes such a difference, however from time to time I need to remind myself that I have the wheel, and that is what some of the other entries are all about.
A good reminder of this came last week when I spent some time with my niece who has ASD. Being with a likeminded person, regardless of the age gap is a nice opportunity to slow things down, do things in a certain way, and not get caught up in the high speed chase that life is. Talking to her about different situations, to compare notes and see how we both deal with them is refreshing, and also feels nice to offer her a space and an ear of understanding. And at the same time, learn new ways, as well as sharing my experiences, and offering "advice" on how I would deal with certain situations and environments.
I think that time gave me a moment to reset and reflect, and find my feet again. Reminding myself that different is bad or wrong. Being your own authentic self is the only way to get by in this world. Some people might not understand you and your ways, but at the end of the day trying to be a different person for every group of people or situation is exhausting, and unsustainable. If people don't appreciate you for who you are, then they are a bad fit for your life, and there will be someone else along shortly to take their place who does respect you.
So, the past week, what have I done differently and what has changed.
Well for starters I have applied for some more jobs, and looked into other avenues of interest. I appreciate the help of those who have pointed out some of these opportunities to me.
I thought that rather than fixating on a handful of jobs I have gone for, regardless of the fact that I have since received offers, I would look at other options while I am still working. Part of this is just due to a little new found confidence in applying for jobs. Not shying away from the pre interview assessments that some do. Just getting stuck in, and giving it a shot, without any over thinking.
At the end of the day there are go-to options for me already, so it isn't a matter of life or death. Not that it ever was of course, there would always be something. Instead I saw it as an opportunity to stretch my legs a bit and consider some other roles, and just see what comes of them. Nothing like options now is there. Not for one second suggesting I will be flooded with offers haha. So there are two new applications in the pipeline, assessments done, and just waiting to hear back. And a third temp job that can be done adhoc if and when I need some extra cash (for bikes).
Also after a long time pondering, I have finally jumped back on the healthier lifestyle wagon. Last week I signed up to a Zwift training plan, and got stuck straight in, and this week I have started a Garmin running plan too. Bother are about 12 weeks long, and hopefully I will be able to manage them both without killing myself. Neither is particularly taxing, so fingers crossed I stay injury free and energised. The main idea of the plans is to keep myself accountable, so I have a schedule to work to, rather than winging it, and it all becoming a bit hit and miss.
This week I started a healthier eating plan too, to try and drop those extra pounds, and get back to a happier place physically. Losing some weight will help loads with running and cycling both mentally and physically. Looking back over the last five years I can see how my running pace has fluctuated, usually with my weight. But unfortunately since its last dip there has been no noticeable recovery, so I am keen to change that, if I can! Age will be part of it too, I can't forget that. So far this week I have reduced my food intake considerably, but not so much that it has impacted my fitness activities. I actually felt more able to run at a faster pace today than I have in a while.
Cereal for breakfast, lots of fluids during the day, a Protein Works shake for lunch (they are actually yummy), and a small dinner earlier than usual in the evenings. At the moment I am being lazy and using ready meals for dinner. Small cheap ones, with a side of veg to bulk it out a bit. Thank you to my clever wife for suggesting this, it makes a massive difference to feeling fed or not. Eventually I will do meal prep for these meals and others, but for now it is a nice lazy way to get measured meals, count calories, and get my body and mind used to the routine and intake levels. Portion control is a massive thing for me, so this sets a standard.
Mindfulness is the next thing. When I wrote my last entry I checked the dates I had started to feel a little crappy upstairs, and looked at my mindfulness log, and to my surprise they almost aligned. And by that I mean, I stopped doing it very much for a few weeks, and at the same time started to feel crappy about myself. Not solid proof I know, but I definitely notice a difference when I don't take any time out for myself during a day. 10 mins a day really can make all the difference. Needless to say I am back listening to the Daily Jay, and spending some time with my thoughts every day again. Same with the Daylio mood diary, taking a moment every evening to consider my day and reflect on it, makes things feel addressed and completed.
From good mindfulness comes good sleep. And the past couple of weeks have been good sleep. Again this is also down to the change in routine. Earing earlier in the evening, easing off the caffeine, plenty of fluids throughout the day, and getting to bed earlier. The last one is probably the most important, followed closely by the change in meal times. But it has been wonderful. The other night I recorded eight hours of sleep, woke once, and no pee breaks. Talk about waking refreshed. It is bizarre going to sleep, then waking and looking at the clock and seeing 5am, and realising you have slept for 6 hours straight. I am used to waking hourly then fighting to get back to sleep.
Again, just like recognising my highs and lows of mood, when I get sleep patterns like this, I can reassure myself that it IS possible, and I am not a total screw-up. I am sure I have mentioned before that while broken sleep is the norm for me, it has not always been the way, so having these good nights of sleep feels amazing, and is definitely something I want to try and maintain.
Important note to self at this point. Being in good physical shape is not a guarantee of feeling great mentally, however from experience, the activities and behaviours used to establish good physical health, certainly contribute to better mental health. Getting out of the house, getting the heart rate up, and most importantly learning when to push and when to take it easy all helps. Of course if the mental side of things wavers, then the knowing when to ease off goes out of the window, and we find ourselves pushing ourselves harder and harder to try and find that feeling again. Like a drug addiction, needing more to get that fix you so badly need. Self destruction is a real thing, I have been down that road before.
So, looking back up there I have rambled on quite a bit, so will start to wrap things up.
In short, I am feeling much better than I was two weeks ago. Positive mindset, feel I have a direction to head in. I am definitely at one with myself right now, and am focusing on the things I have some control over, and trying to let other things work themselves out. Whatever the outcome of the job applications, so be it. Maybe I will get another offer, maybe it will be another no, I have very little influence over that.
The things I can have some more control over are my food intake, my exercise and activity levels, and of course trying to look after that grey matter too. A few minutes a day spent on any of the above is bound to have a positive impact on my well-being, so why not invest a few minutes I would have been eating or wallowing in my own self doubt, and build myself up a little.
If you have read all of this, thank you, I appreciate your time and allowing me a few moments to ramble on in search of finding a balance for myself, and hopefully offering others some of my wisdom and experience.
The sun is finally back, so here's to a happy a positive summer for all.
Oh, sorry, one more thing before you go.
Physical image!
As someone who cycles I have grown to feel comfortable in close fitting clothes. I am sure some look as I run or cycle past and giggle or sneer, but ultimately I really don't care about other peoples opinions. If its from a sedentary judgemental person watching from their car, they can sod off. At least I am doing something.
If it is from a fellow (I use the word lightly) runner or cyclist, who feels the need to judge, then I say, I am probably working harder than you. With my age and weight it's not as easy as it once was, so if you have the time to look and judge, maybe YOU should be trying harder, rather than judging others.
Of course, it might be from me, catching a glimpse of myself in a shop window or a mirror as I leave home. To me I say, don't like what you see? Then do something about it, you did this to you, you can undo it too. So stay strong and keep pushing.
One day the power I put out will have a much lighter weight to propel, then maybe I will become that judgemental arsehole instead lol.
PS, just for clarity, no one has said anything or made me feel judged. I do that all by myself!