Disturbance in the force

All is well, or so it seemed, but something isn't right.
It is a hard one to explain, but over the past week I have become more and more aware that something is not right. Maybe it is the weather, and being trapped indoors, unable to run or ride the way I would like to. Could I be unsettled by the redundancy becoming a reality having been formalised? Am I just in the midst of a mood swing, or is it something else.

I thought I would take to the blog to throw my thoughts out and see what I can make of them. So, in the guise of a YouTube Vlogger.... Let's get into this!

It has been a week since the formal notice period for my redundancy began. Throughout the build up to this I have felt OK about it. I would say good, but that just sounds a bit weird. Either way, as inconvenient as it is, it is not the end of the world, and I do not find myself fixated on it, worrying about what I am going to do. I have found other avenues to go down for work, with offers in hand. My redundancy package is fair, and will keep me going in the event of the current plans derailing, so in that regard, I am OK with that.

Yesterday towards the end of the day, people who I have worked with for a couple of decades began sending messages to all the other staff, saying their goodbyes, wishing everyone the best etc. I have to say there were a few exchanges with some of them which really drove home just how long I have been working with some of them, and how it really is the end of a chapter. As one said "we have almost grown up together", which when I thought about it, he was right. I will definitely be sad to see them go. While being realistic that we will probably lose contact very quickly, even with the magic of social media. We had work in common, not much else.

But no, I don't think it's work. Especially with some of the events of the last week of two, with some people really starting to wind down their efforts, and in the process wind me up with their lame attitudes, and arrogant behaviour. As I keep saying in group chats #WontMissThat whenever something irritating occurs. In fact that COULD be part of it, maybe it IS work?
Having spend years normalised to the selfish behaviour of some, taking it with a pinch of salt, rather than escalating a situation to the point of not being able to work with someone, although that has happened a couple of times. Thankfully the most recent being incommunicado right now, so that works for me. So yeah, maybe I am just really starting to bite my tongue now as the end draws closer, finding it harder and harder to tolerate people who push my buttons. Hmm, I will ponder that one. It is definitely a thing, just not sure if it's THE thing.

Plans moving ahead seem OK at the moment, although a little slow moving which is a bit frustrating. Checking regularly for updates, maybe a little too frequently for my own good. But having had conversations with one of the options this week, it reassured me that it was in place and ready to go, I just need to pull the trigger on it. Well, almost that simple, still a bit of back and forth to confirm dates etc. Hopefully I will get some more info on the others soon and be able to turn a page on that side of things.

Being stuck indoors is definitely jarring. Having had some fencing done by landscapers over a couple of days this week, I have been unable to go out on those mornings, which frustratingly have been the best mornings of the week, with the rest of the week being a complete washout. Sure I could probably go for a run in the rain, I have done it plenty of times before, but the mood just doesn't take me right now. So again, the opportunity to get out, put off because of my mood, so maybe it's not the lack of getting out.

With that said, even if I have not felt to run or ride outdoors, missing out on just being out there in the fresh air is definitely a thing for me. I usually make a point of getting out once a day at least, even for a walk. Air between the ears, head-space, and just a general reset for me. I am definitely missing that right now. That needs to change, and pronto. Phew, finally I have found something that IS having an impact on my mood and mindset. Right, I need to get out for at least a walk today, and I want to get a session on Zwift in too, just to get the heart working.

Speaking of getting the heart working, again another niggle for me is exercise for fitness and weightloss. Having done so little this week I FEEL heavy and big right now. I am sure I have not gained 10lbs from a few days of bad eating and not exercising, but mentally it feels like I have. Instead I have sat at home, watched TV, and cleaned up after the dogs. Back to that in a minute. Now, to be fair to myself I have also gotten some projects around the house and garden done, so it has not been a complete week of being a couch potato. Credit where it is due, carrying bags of topsoil around and  levelling the garden, not to mention constantly moving temporary fencing around to make sure the dogs can't get into the worst parts of the waterlogged garden, and bring most of it into the house with them.

OK, so the dogs... Fuck me, this pup is testing me right now. A few days clean, then she decides the hallway is the garden, and does her business all over it. The only saving grace right now (cursing myself here I know) is that she has not fixated on the section of hallway with gaps in the grout, so at least it is not a toxic cloud of urine when you walk into the house. Towels on the floor for easy clean ups just seems to give her the impression that is where she is meant to go. So its a bit of a lose-lose scenario right now on that front.

All that said, we have come a long way, and things have improved a lot. However the idea of going out for a run or ride, and coming home to have to clear up does put a downer on the idea of going out. Added to the fact of we are currently going through a phase of the pup crying when we go out. Sometimes nothing, sometimes it seems pretty constant. Occasionally she will cry for a few mins then stop for hours on end. All this is discovered by looking back on the cameras and seeing the sound activations. One day it is a few dots, the next a solid grey line against the entire time-line. 

Having spoken to the neighbours about it, they have no issue with the crying, it isn't barking and howling, just low frequency moaning. That is a huge relief for sure, but even in the knowledge of that, I am still struggling to switch off when I go out, and am put of even going out in the first place, knowing she may be going to be pissing, shitting and crying while I am out. Although thankfully it seems to happen less and less. The only thing to do it rinse and repeat til we build a routine.
A routine of course that I will need to have created by the time I start a new job, and am out for hours at a time each day. So another stress point for me identified right there. Getting the routine sorted and the peace of mind that the dogs will be OK when we are both out.

This is something that was never an issue with other dogs, and it my first time dealing with a dog that has problems being left alone. This is not acute separation anxiety as such, more a lack of stimulation on any given day, but all a bit too hit and miss to identify a trigger or cure. The thought of "this isn't working out" keeps creeping back into my mind, along with "what have we done", and "was this a mistake". I won't deny having low moments about it all and feeling like I am not sure how long I can go before deciding something needs to change. Hopefully we don't get to that point!

So that is a few things that are wobbling around my head right now. Lack of getting out on the bike, having a garden that is currently a swamp, seeing the lawn disappear before my eyes, wondering when I will hear back from the job offers next, planning a long holiday before starting a new job, but having the uncertainty of the dogs, or the pup I should say, on my mind constantly. Not to mention the eternal cleaning of the hallway, getting up in the middle of the night to let them out.

Oh, that's another thing, broken sleep. I am trying to get to bed earlier, knowing that the dogs are going to get me up in the early hours. Trying to bank a few solid hours before the disruption starts. Then for some reason my mind wakes up by 6.30am daily, so if I had a late night it is game over for sleep for me after that time. Once the mind is awake, the rest of me wakes up  quickly. Maybe I will rename my brain Bagpuss, as when the brain wakes, all the little mice of the body wake.

In summary, what I am taking away from all this is that there is nothing catastrophic there. Nothing life changing going on that will derail me. However there are lots of bumps, and each one of them unsettles me a little more. The more bumps in a day that I go over, and the closer they are in succession, the tougher the day gets. So for example, wake from a broken nights sleep, clean up piss in the hallway, think about going for a run, see the weather, remember I am waiting in for a delivery or worker. Finally manage to get out for a walk, enjoy myself for a moment, but constantly in the back of my mind I am trying not to check the cameras to see if she is behaving. Get home, check for piss and poo, finally check the cameras and see if she has behaved of not. It's now only 10am! I have not even started work yet by this point, and even started to get wound up by the stupidity that awaits.

Oh well, four days off over Easter now, so shared time at home, shared responsibilities so that is something, right. A bit of a break, a chance to work on forming routines, and a bit of a break from the current routine of destruction.
Now if I can just get a break in the weather to get out on the bike for a few hours, that might go some way to finding my feet again. As I typed that the sun burst through the grey clouds outside the window, so that must be a sign, right, PLEASE !!

Thanks for reading my rant, and sharing this latest journey of my thoughts outside my head. Allowing them to expand, and become fully fledged thoughts, and disappear for a bit.

Right, I am off to clean the hallway of mud, piss, and poo again. Have a great weekend, safe in the knowledge it will probably be better than mine.

Anyone want a puppy? lol