...or not as the case may be!
Excuse the Taylor Swift opening, but I happen to frickin love that song, and it nudged me into writing this entry, and of course the thought process that got me to this point.
Anyone one who has read my blogs for the past few years will have seen that I put a lot of the fault and blame for the way I am, and the way I have felt for a while, at my own feet. It's true to say that for a long time I have been dealing with the fact that I have become some sort of anti-social, people hating monster. The latter may still be true to be honest, as I do have an aversion for irritating people, especially the overly entitled. But that is another blog all together.
Let's get back to the point of this one for now, and take a look at what has been going on in my life.
For quite some time I have felt that I was not cut out for working in teams, being around lots of people and anything else that removed me from my self created cocoon of safety and sanctitude. All the signs seemed to be there, low mood, anxiety, and small panic attacks at the thought of being around people again.
Let me skip forward for a moment here, into the current day. For the past few weeks I have been introduced to dozens of new people, in a totally new environment, and exposed to all sorts of information and learning methods that would have had the 2023 me running for the hills. Based on the past four or five years I would have written that off as impossible, and immediately sought counselling at the mere suggestion of it. Yet here I am, loving it! So what has happened. Did I get something wrong, have I changed, what's the story.
Only one thing to do, break it down and take a look, so here goes.
First and foremost, people! It's not people, it's THE people! Huh? Well yeah, it's just that. It turns out that it isn't all people, just some people. Given the opportunity to be around like-minded people, who share a common interest, but have different mannerisms and behaviours, I am actually fine with that. All there for the same purpose, no-one better than the other, and all at least on the same chapter, if not the same page.
Looking back many years, say to when I was working in Sainsburys, I can recall a sense of camaraderie, enjoying being there, feeling part of a well oiled machine, and being able to kick into overdrive when the need arose. All would pull together, with the same goal in mind, and by jove we always came out on top. At some point towards the end of that period my daughter was born, I changed jobs, lost contact with my daughter, and turned into someone else.
To this day I can honestly say a period of about six years is a complete blur to me. During the time I was an ops manager at a security company I went through a lot of change, and became someone I was not sure I liked. Slowly slipping into a rut. I can't really say much more about that time as I don't remember too much. Working too much, not being social enough, spending a lot of time in the gym believing a better me, meant a physical transformation. OK I got in good shape, but inside I was a mess. At no point around that time, or the few years that came after can I say I realised this was the case. It is only retrospectively I can see how much things changed, and as I try to recall to write this, as usual things are a little clearer.
Things changed, probably for the worse, around the time I went to work for Fedex. Now I am not saying I didn't like working there, especially for the first decade. I made some good friends, and lost a few along the way, both death and dislike. However the new job meant a new car, and the new car along with the rise of the WWW meant a new me. Suddenly I was thrust into the new online car scene. Able to reinvent myself for the world stage. Michael became Snazy, and so it begun!
The next few years were a blast, meeting people, having all sorts of encounters, becoming a very minor personality, which of course came with perks you might say. No disrespect intended. Working with magazines and a few TV production crews, becoming a popular name on the modified car scene, and feeling like I finally had a place, I had found my people. Or had I?
I have written about this before but will quickly recap, being known as a personality, of which people have beliefs and expectations is exhausting. Worse still it is soul destroying when you realise that no-one knows who you actually are. You are just a character to them, and one who can give them things they want. Nothing more. Realising after two or three years that no one even knows what your real name is, not even your first name can really be a painful reality check.
At the same time I was trying to form relationships, and connect, be human, and have a love life rather than just a social life. Bumpy relationships, brief encounters, etc can really start a wobble going, and one that it seems can take quite a long time to recover from. So by 2004 I was Snazy the showman, but Michael the empty vessel. In the infancy of a new relationship, but one that turned out was really just a convenient companionship more than anything else.
Skip forward a decade or so, and after a few bouts of depression and anxiety, quite a few years on meds, and some soul searching, I was finally starting to make progress. Kinda! The companionship ended, I was back to being very much my own person. Having lost my mother a few years before, I was now pretty much alone. With the exception of a few amazing friends. The next year or so I dabbled in life, all the while working into my second decade working for Fedex, in the same role, with the same people, and the same unhealthy working environment.
In 2016 I met Ann, my now wife, but shortly after meeting her and getting together I went through another bout of depression due to other factors going on around me. Thankfully that was quite short lived, and I started to get back on my feet. But there was something wrong, I was not who I was before, no familiar version of myself was to be found. This is not something I was openly aware of at the time, however in the coming years it became apparent. Especially after some deep thinking and mindfulness.
We now reach 2020, and we know what happens next, especially if you have read my blogs since that time. Oh and of course, the C word! NOT that one, Covid!!
Working from home was the beginning of the rediscovery of myself. Having documented the three or four years that followed on from the initial WFH home order that Boris gave, there are signs all along the way, but none of them really signposted the destination I currently find myself at.
Being away from the office, the people I had been stuck in an office with for so many years opened my eyes. Working on my own felt so good, and the restrictions of Covid meant that places were emptier, interactions were limited, and seeing only the creme-de-la creme of friends was perfection personified. THIS was who I was, THIS was a good life for me.
By mid 2021 there was talk about returning to the office, people arrgh, no! I spiralled and fled to the doctors, feeling that familiar feeling of anxiety and dread. Meds, CBT, company doctor, appeals to HR, anything I could do to avoid the inevitable. And thankfully, eventually, I was told I never needed to work from the office again. As I sit here at my WFH desk writing this entry, I remember the sense of empowerment and happiness I was filled with at this news.
From that point on I seemed to find a new me, which contradicted everything I thought I knew about myself. Catching up with people I had not seen in 15 years, going to concerts rammed to the rafters, putting myself in situations I had sworn I would never do again. I can thank Ann for that, helping my challenge my demons, and push my limits more than I would alone. I still didn't like places crammed with people, and was not a fan of public transport (but who is?), however I was able to be a bit more human.
At the end of 2023 rumours started that my efforts to WFH forever more were all in vain.. We were being made redundant! Jan 2024 confirmed this, and all of a sudden my world felt like it was being upended again. But this is where it gets strange.
Somewhere inside of me there was a realisation that this was the first time since 2000 that I had a chance to reinvent myself again, or should I say, finally come out from behind the mask of Snazy, and start being my authentic self again. But what about my anxiety of people, how would I cope meeting new people and working in a new role in a new environment. Was this all going to be too much for me. Especially seeing as from 2020 to 2023 I was convinced I finally knew what I needed to be happy.
Well.... no!
It turns out that it would all be fine. As we approach the current day in this story, I think it is only fair to look at the last six months. Applying for jobs I thought I might like, going through a few interviews and realising how much the employment world had changed, and coming to the realisation that at some point I was going to have to settle in somewhere new, and start over. Eventually I found myself applying for the role I am now in. Bizarrely I felt confident and outgoing throughout the process. There were of course moments of doubt which I shared in earlier blogs, but in general when crunch time came, there were no nerves, just a "go get 'em" feeling inside of me. Which seems to have paid off.
From day one, I was able to be authentic, myself, and project confidence that I honestly thought I had lost in my twenties around the time I lost contact with Sian. But nope, there it was, like it was yesterday.
I have spent the past few weeks wondering when the bubble would burst, when I would start to feel like the more recent version of myself again, and if the walls would come tumbling down. But it appears I was not giving myself enough credit. It seems that I AM me, this IS me, and I DO feel empowered and determined to not only be my authentic self, but also be the best version of that I have ever been.
Getting to know new people has been amazing, bonds have started to form, my mask of self protection has been left in the locker room, and no defensive walls are being built up. I feel I could actually make a new friend or two here, and for anyone who knows me, the word "friend" is a very powerful and important one to me, so lets see how that goes.
Last week we had a checkpoint test to see how we were doing, next week we are split up from our training group and thrown into the real world of how the organisation really works. Once again meeting new people and forming new bonds, trusting people to guide me the right way, and even turning my body clock on its head as I work through some different shift patterns. I have two weeks of this before returning to my group and continuing with the classroom training, and again changing my working hours.
You know the crazy bit? I love it, and can't wait to get stuck in to some discomfort, a hint of panic, maybe a spot of imposter syndrome for a moment. Who knows, but that is the exciting part, the unknown!
Wow I have rambled on for a long time here, but it has flowed out of me so nicely, so I just wanted to summarise what I have learned whilst writing this.
It's not people, it's THE people. Yup I said it earlier and will say it again. It turns out I just didn't really get on with the people I worked with, in the environment I was working in. Who knew it! Well, me secretly I guess, but other than moan about them to others, I did nothing about it. Nor did the company. Instead the group had festered for too long, and the situation had become untenable. In reality, I don't think it was too obvious to anyone, and was just a result of circumstances.
Circumstances that would be changed with a strange twist of fate, by being made redundant. Who know the universe was SO calculated! So it turns out I wasn't a total fuck up all long. Just had some wobbles along the way, and dealt a few crap hands.
I am more than aware that most reading this have glazed over while reading, and skipped huge swathes of the blog. But that is OK, as this is simply my record of a moment of clarity I have felt, being shared with the world to read.
Here's to the future, to new people, making a difference, feeling like I am part of something, and maybe, just maybe, that new friendship blossoming.
Thanks for reading, now go grab a glass of something!
