Skip to content

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always try too hard, hell I don't even try to do the right thing some of the time, but every now and then I find myself in touch with my consciousness, and try and do what is right. 

As the years have passed, I have realised that sometimes that is to my detriment. Putting strain on my mental health and state of mind, for the sale of others. Sometimes the others don't seem to be putting as much heart into it as me, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty, rather than tired and full of a sense of teamwork and achievement. 

I had a great nights sleep last night, woke refreshed and surprisingly free of social burdens. Not bothered by much of what has happened of late, and free to think for myself. The clearest thing that came to me was, "why are you doing this to yourself?". The alarming part was I had no answer. 

Beating myself up week after week, overdoing it, not giving myself enough 'me time', and for what! The reality is, nothing, other than sense of doing the right thing. It's all well and good doing the right thing, trying to be helpful, supportive, productive etc, but if it leaves you in a complete mess, and unable to do the things that actually matter, what's the point! 

I had a lovely bike ride yesterday, something I have not had time for for weeks now, and a good morning run to clear my head this morning. So right now, today, this week is about me! And doing what is right for me. Less hours at work, more time focusing on my health. 

I always find myself getting caught up with a feeling of not doing my fair share at work. Working a shorter contracted day than the rest, when things are tough I like to step up. But then when I get in a mess and remember WHY I chose to do shorter hours, the penny FINALLY drops and I realise what has happened, vow never to do it again, and then next time comes around. 

Well I have caught myself this time, and I ain't going down that damn rabbit hole this time. 

 

Right I am off to stretch, do some mindfulness exercises and spend some time with me. 

Have a great day, and an even better week. 

PS there may be trouble ahead...... Lol

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

For the past couple of months, as you may know, I have been reducing the dose of my meds. Sertraline, an SSRI, basically works by increasing serotonin levels. It had been a long time for me since I was last on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, but last summer, with everything going on at work, I needed some help. That came in the form of meds and counselling.

SInce the final decision was made regarding my WFH status etc, I have definitely been in a better place mentally. Over the past few months I have felt a good positive change in my moods, and ability to function in general. These changes are aside from how I already felt being on the meds. Having used SSRI's previously it has always been important to me to document and be consciously aware of how I feel, and any changes. This helps in the decision making process for weaning myself back off the meds when the time is right.

After the WFH decision was made, I started making note of the meds and moods, and after a few weeks started to reduce the dose. I have not been on a high dose at any point this time around, so things were slightly less critical for me. 
I would like to say this was done with the guidance of the GP, but that is not the case for a number of reasons. Primarily I wanted to feel in control of things. If I don't change the prescription dose, I will always have sufficient meds to increase again. Whereas if I do it with the GP, the prescription will change, and if I wobble and feel the need to increase, I would need to speak to the GP again, and getting an appointment would just add stress, making the whole situation feel worse, and defeat the object. 
Anyway, I have retained the normal prescription for now, and slowly lowered the dose. A few weeks at a time on each dose, until I reached this week. 

Now I am at the point where the dose is so low that I can either stop completely, or do one day on one day off so to speak, as the final step. In reality, with the dose this low, it is really only a mental exercise, and any effects would likely be psychosomatic anyway. But nonetheless, it's all about the process and feeling you have done the right thing. The half life of the drug is 24-32 hours, so by doing one on, one off, the levels will remain present, with no sudden drop off for the off day.

Obviously as will all things like this, timing is key. The timing for me on one hand is perfect, and on the other hand, depending how you look at it, couldn't be worse.
Almost a week post surgery, off work for a week. Three weeks out from a long planned trip to Florida, and four weeks out from getting married. So as the timing goes, if I alternate this week and next, I will be off meds with a week to go to Florida. Again, two weeks in the sun, away from everything, relax, and unwind. But at the same time quite full on with travel too. Not that a micro dose that I am on would change much about that anyway.

I would of course take the meds with me, although they take a few weeks to kick in properly, at least I would have them if I needed to restart the course.

While writing this (as usually happens) I have had the conversations with myself that I needed to, and pretty much come to a decision, but I am always interested in other peoples opinions and experiences, so feel free to share either. 

What do you think?

Sitting here this morning, raining outside, got plans later this afternoon, and I am having an internal debate. Do I jump on the trainer for a bit and have a quick Zwift session, or do I take it easy this morning and enjoy my afternoon. I can always go for a ride or have a Zwift tomorrow... Right?

Then the thoughts and questions start. Am I just having a chilled morning, am I being lazy, or do I have a low mood today? If you apply the same to say running, and asthma. As an asthmatic I am familiar with being seriously short of breath and struggling to breathe. However I am also familiar with pushing hard and feeling a shortness of breath which is simply from over exertion. They are not the same, but having a history with asthma creates a moment of worry about what it is. Does that make sense?

When you have a condition, and are regularly affected by it, any sign of symptoms immediately starts an internal conversation about what could be wrong. So today, rather than just saying "I can't be bothered" and brushing it aside, I then have to worry about why I can't be bothered. Then you start to see other signs which may or may not be there, then the anxiety really kicks in and you are now spiralling.. Over a simple decision.

Fixating on what will come next, is this the start of an episode, how bad will it be, what can I do to stop it... That's it... STOP! Take a breath, step back and look at everything one piece at a time. You have worked hard this week, you are a little bit sore still, you want to enjoy your afternoon with your friend. Its fine, you are fine, you are just being sensible and letting yourself rest, and have some downtime. It's the weekend, it's what it's for.

Welcome to the mindset of an anxious person who also deals with depression. Nothing is simple, nothing is straight forward and thought free. Everything you do is filled with continuous internal dialogue, so the easiest thing to do is nothing. No people, no activities, just NO!

Aaah, that's better. Get the thoughts out of your head, slow the frantic thought process down by writing it down. Hearing it as you say or write it, finding the weaknesses in the argument, and seeing the rational viewpoint. Calming down, breathing easier, heart rate slowing, feeling at peace again.

Having these blogs, written in the moment, gives me the ability to look back at similar thoughts and moments, see how they break down, and what the outcomes are. Be able to see it worked out OK, even when I did take the lazy approach for example. Sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself, just the other you. The calm you, the sensible you, and not the version that catastrophes the simplest of things.

I will leave it there, but hope you enjoyed a simple five minutes in my mind.

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

It is now!
After three months, and 12 sessions of CBT, my therapy part of my treatment is over. I have graduated. Completing the course, and learning some new skills along the way. So how was it, what happened, and where am I now. Let's have a look shall we. I will also give a little update on the work situation and the OH/HR saga.

First up, let's take a look at the CBT journey. 
My initial diagnosis and referral to SLAM was for "severe anxiety disorder", that was from the GP, and led to my reintroduction with the system. My conversation with the GP had been very work environment focused, and the issues I felt I faced if asked to return to an office. We touched on my general anxieties too, but from this consultation, and the initial consult with SLAM, it was decided that the main focus of the treatment should be "social anxiety". Indeed this seemed logical given all the immediate issues I faced were people related. 

The first session or two were very awkward for me. A new person, meeting over Teams, and trying to breakdown my automatic barriers with regards to opening up to someone about something so personal. As we got into things, I felt myself relax a little, and just be an open book as much as I could. Open to trying new things, and happy to follow the lead from the therapist. CBT is quite a structured system, so there isn't much room for free-styling the sessions, or too much digression from the path. 

We focused on diagrams, and formulations of how things worked in my mind, how I responded to certain situations, and how my thought processes worked before, during and after encounters with different groups of people. Also taking a look at my beliefs before something occurred, and what my perceptions of myself in that situation were. One example of this was being asked if I was happy to speak to another therapist one on one for five mins, about a random topic. As my previous entry said, this left me terrified.

However, on actually doing the exercise, and looking back at the video of it, things were not as bad as they seemed, in the moment at least. And that reminded me of the complexity of the issues. Put in the situation, with nowhere to run to, my game face went on, my personality went into overdrive, and I faced it head on. Watching myself back I was shining with energy, and came across a lot more confident than I thought I might have. During the debrief I expressed how surprised I was at how comfortable I seemed to be. But an hour or so later, I was reminded of the cost of this display of glitz and confidence, an absolute energy crash.  See it turns out that the shying away from these situations is not just about confidence, it is about self preservation too, and trying to conserve my energy. 

This is something I can look back on and recall clearly time and time again. People will say how chatty I was, or how I looked like I was having a great time, but behind closed doors, for the next day or two I am thoroughly mentally exhausted, and reach a point of not being able to function. Thoughts become clouded, patience is stretched, and ability to focus is gone. THIS is why I refrain from certain environments, to be able to function day to day like a normal human being. 

So looking back at that session and the experiment, it was important to me as it both reminded me, and set in stone my beliefs about my behaviour towards such situations. Possibly not the preferred outcome of the experiment, but to me was invaluable, and something I can say I understand and am happy with the way I have chosen to behave. There is a theme that runs through this whole course which will become apparent over time I am sure. 

As we moved on through the sessions I wavered in my commitment. The build up to the sessions was becoming a source of anxiety itself, and at one point felt like the worst part of my week. Blogging about it, I tried to get some clarity for myself, and see things from an external perspective. I knew in my heart that the sessions were good for me, and as pointed out by a couple of friends, maybe it was the "challenging the norm" that was what I was being defensive about, and they were right. But so was I.
As the weeks progressed, my focused changed a bit, and for a while felt almost incompatible with the direction the course was heading in.  I had shared one of my blog entries with the therapist at one point, so I could give her an insight into my feelings towards the work we were doing. The outcome of this wobbled me a little, when we discussed this the following week. She mentioned that my blog had mentioned her by name, and that she had not consented to this. Reminding me that just like the recordings of the sessions required my consent, mention of her name in my blog also required her consent, and she had NOT given that. 
The name drop had been purely accidental, and in my furious flow of keystrokes, I had written her name rather than "the therapist", however I now felt chastised by the person who was trying to help me overcome my social anxiety, and issues with people I don't know / trust well. Own goal! The rest of the session was awkward, and I spent most of it tuned out, thinking how badly she must now think of me. Counterproductive to say the least.

This was one of a couple of moments in the course that made me feel a bit on edge, and lose faith and focus for a bit, but I am happy to say I stuck with it, and went back for more each session. Except for one. One morning I just could not bring myself to log on to Teams, and sent an email apologising and explaining what I was feeling. Anxious about the sessions, off course with objectives, and a little disillusioned with the process.  As we had passed the half way point with the sessions, I had started to feel that I understood my thought process with regards to social situations. Having challenged myself on a number of occasions for experiments for the course, putting myself in situations I would usually avoid, it was becoming clear to me what I was happy to do, OK with pushing myself to do, and happier just to avoid.

The main take away from these experiments was finding my happy medium, the place I felt I could cope with the anxiety from, whilst maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Not shutting myself away from society, but not pushing myself to become some sort of social butterfly I have no interest in being. This is where the direction we were going in started to seem off. Having discovered these things, the part that affected me the most was the post situation stress and anxiety. The build up to future events is always a little stressful, the thought process goes into overdrive, and panic sets in. The further into the future the event is planned, the longer this panic lasts for. Sometimes weeks of dwelling on things that are yet to happen, and quite frankly insignificant. 

The biggest issue I actually face, and I realised this thanks to the CBT, is after the event. There are three stages of any event, before, during and after (duh!)
Before is variable, the duration can be minutes or weeks, but however long it is, the mind works overtime to create all sorts of terrifying scenarios for me to over think, lose sleep over, and get worked up over. 
During, well obviously that is how ever long the event is, or however long I stay there before fleeing. Game face on, mask on, smile, laugh, make jokes.... Run and die!
After however, now we are talking. Away from the threat, mask off, and back in a safe place, all should be over you would think, but in fact this is where the real damage starts. 

Post event self debrief... Replaying events, and conversations over and over in my head. Rewording exchanges with people, thinking up alternative responses, imagining how I came across, wondering what people thought of me. Had I looked weak, should I have said something different. Hours and hours of reliving an encounter which had lasted 10 mins. Using up more and more mental energy to the point of exhaustion. It is hard to explain the effect of this process on me, other than to say it is exhausting and debilitating. Not to mention the knock on effect for any future situations which bear similarities. 

I am sure there are people out there who will say "over thinking, we all do it". Just like the use of the word depressed or anxious. There are varying degrees of it, and to say "I understand" can sometimes be insulting rather than encouraging and supportive. 

Anyway, I digress a little. Lets get back to CBT in general. 
With the email sent about how I felt the direction was off, I went into the next session a little afraid of how the email had come across. See how this works, I learn to engage, tell a person that is helping me that I need to do something different, then dwell on it, and dread the outcome of the conversation and what they will think of me!
Anyway, I received a reply acknowledging my concerns and saying we would discuss these on the next session. The next week we met on Teams, and I have to say it was a breakthrough moment for me.  The session basically consisted of a one to one chat about the course so far, what I had learned, the direction I felt I needed to go from here on in, and a discussion about general anxiety disorder. It felt liberating to take control for a bit. My first time using that word in this entry, but a word that came up time and time again over the weeks, control. I will come back to that.
The session itself really restored my faith in the process, and renewed my commitment to finishing it til the end of the course. 

A few short weeks later, and this past Tuesday I had my last session, and was officially discharged. Both me and the therapist agree it has been a positive experience, and my achievements are noteworthy. Having had my last session the week before, in the days following I travelled into town on the tube for coffee with a friend in SE1, then walked back to the car afterwards, once on the tube that day was enough. See, learning and knowing my limits.
A few days later I dropped the car for a service, then got a couple of trains home, before heading for a morning hot chocolate with Ann at Costa. Then later in the day getting a train back to collect the car, this time alone. During the train journeys I was able to use my new found skills to distract myself from negative thoughts, prevent a spiral of anxiety, and complete the trips without feeling exhausted or distressed. Quite the achievement for me, and to do this twice in the space of a week, WHO AM I !!

So, back to "control". This came up time and time again in the sessions when explaining what I was feeling in any situation. Loss of control equates to the unknown, which starts the mind going. Conjuring up all sorts of crazy and unrealistic scenarios, which the rational mind identifies and rejects, but the irrational anxious mind takes it and runs with it. Before you know it you are thinking about all sorts of catastrophes, from what was once a simple "as a stranger a question" moment.  My minds ability to go off on a tangent is something quite impressive. A moment of thinking about something simple in the house, can in seconds turn into recollections pf seeing my mum pass away, laying there lifeless. The possibilities are endless. Probably why quite a few of these blog entries go off on wild tangents from time to time. 

Control also manifests when I am in an uncomfortable social situation. If I become loud, and the centre of attention, I can control the direction of the conversation, and exit when I please, so that is where the social butterfly mask comes into play. I can't get away from it, so let's control it. Exhausting as it is, in the moment it helps me maintain control, and prevents my thoughts running away with me. But I can't maintain it for long, and when I over stay, it is like Cinderella at the ball. Midnight is coming, and the world is about to come crashing down.

Anyway, that about sums up CBT for me. A journey I took with a therapist, to get to know myself a little better, challenge the normal, and push my boundaries. To explore my limits, and understand my behaviours. Mission complete, and happy with the outcome. So all is well.......?
GOD NO !!!

I will end this entry here, and do another for the road ahead, and where I am now. You have read enough I am sure.

Thanks for reading, more to follow soon. I mean REALLY soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the last entry about this subject I focused on the first thing I can look back on, and identify as a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety. The problem there is it is a retrospective glance back, and I can say categorically that I was completely unaware that any of this was going on. Sure I knew I had to have my hanky in my pocket, and I guess if you had asked me about it at the time I would have compared it to a comforter of some sort. In my younger years I had actually played with my hair a lot more (back when I had some), and would play with my fringe or the hair on the crown of my head. Probably why they are the first to areas to disappear.  I guess as I got older and appearance mattered more, I switched my hair for a hanky. Kinda makes sense really. 

Again, all of this was very much a habit, and a subconscious behaviour to deal with my feelings about certain situations. One thing I can say though is, for a period of time in my teens and early twenties I had far less in the way of social anxiety, my inhibitions were almost non-existent, or so it seemed, and I feel like I behaved like a "normal" person. I don't have any recollections of much in the way of worries about doing things. I was a bit of a gym rat, working out 5-6 times a week, training hard, comfortable in a gym environment, a little shy socially but nothing terrible. Girls really were no on my radar at this point, so I think I was happy in my own little world of gym, friends and home life. 

I think back quite regularly to try and work out when I first became aware of my issues, and if anything happened to start the ball rolling. I have had quite a few moments now where I think I have put my finger on it, but ultimately I think it is a catalogue of events and experiences which all added up together, finally triggered by an event which acted as a catalyst.

Early years, we grew up poor, and I mean POOR! OK not homeless, but hand-me-downs, handouts, living on benefits, three of us in a one bed flat. (me, my mum and my sister) Single parent family, short holidays provided by social services, dinner would sometimes be toasted burger buns with tomato ketchup (no burger), being the kid at school who struggled to bring a toy in. My aunts would send money to my mum at holiday times so we could have a tin of Quality Street, the only actual family holidays were twice a year to North Wales to stay with my aunts, travel paid for by them. I can recall my mum saving the two or four pages in her benefits book which could be stamped by a different Post Office other than the nominated one, which she would use when we were in Wales. Aware of my position on the scales of society, so limited the people I socialised with. Older mum than most kids so stood out for that. The fat kid, struggled with bed wetting, the list goes on. It wasn't the best of starts, but I would not change it for the world. Mum did her best to make the best of a bad situation, and rather than being an ungrateful child who wanted for nothing, I feel it has prepared me in life to know what nothing feels like, and to be thankful for what I have. Which I sometimes struggle to do. 

Going back to Wales for a moment, I think it is fair to say that the three or four weeks a year we would spend there really impacted me deeply. And although I still live in the same house I grew up in (not the one bedroom, we moved when I was eight), 42 years later being back in Wales almost feels more like a home than being here. I am going to analyse my thoughts here and say that Wales offered me hope and security growing up. It was always a happy place, great memories were made there, and I can't look back and think of any negatives. Instead it gave me a happy place, somewhere to escape to a couple of times a year, and something to look forward to. I have to say I think that feeling lives on today, and arriving in Wales each time we travel there gives me the most honest feeling of "home" I can experience anywhere.  Familiarity of the areas, space to walk and breathe, surrounded by nature, and somehow able to escape my own mind, and my fears for a moment. 

Getting back on track, I can remember when changing schools came around, the idea of leaving the nest of St Michaels seemed terrifying. I had been to nursery, infants, and junior school all on the same site. Almost 10 years of the same routine, same walk to school (back when kids walked to school!), being around the same children, and all that was going to be ripped away from me. My new school would not be a local one, but instead I would have to get the bus five miles each morning and evening, travelling to a new area, and one which was home turf for most of the kids at the school. I felt like an outsider for sure, most of the others knew other kids from primary school but not me.  Our tutor group was good though, and over time I managed to forge bonds with a small handful who I would stick with through my years there. 

Secondary school was also the first time I really experienced someone dying. My aunt had died a few years earlier while I was at primary, but I had known she was ill, and my mum told me on the bus home from school one evening. Damn, I got a bus home from school, that was lazy. The news was sad, and I remember feeling a loss, but not much more than that. It felt very matter of fact, not in the way it was delivered, but the way I received it. I think my mum probably expected more of a reaction, but there wasn't to be one.  It was not until secondary school, and hearing the news that one of the boys I travelled on the bus with each day had died as a result of being hit by a car at the bus stop we got off at daily, that I had any kind of emotional reaction to a death at all. In fact looking back over my life since, I think that was the one and only time I ever cried at the news of someone dying. I certainly didn't for my mum, or the passing of a number of close friends in close succession. I will come back to that.

From around this time, I would say I became quite emotionally numb to life in general. Little sympathy for much going on around me in day to day life, feelings of sadness, but crying wasn't really a thing. I would hazard a guess and say that from that point on, the only reason I cried was in pain, and even that was pretty rare. A few broken wrists didn't really bring tears to my eyes, but a couple of other notable moments of physical pain definitely did. 

As my teens passed, I carried on like any normal kid, got a job, learned to drive, but avoided things like alcohol or smoking, and definitely no drugs. I would describe myself as quietly adventurous at that stage in life. I had a passion for cars and speed, liked to go to clubs for the atmosphere and feeling of belonging. Weekends at Equinox in Leicester Square were the norm. When I was 18 I went away for the first time, buying a holiday from a newspaper ad, with two friends from work, and flying off to Poros in Greece for two weeks. Somewhere I would have my first experience with alcohol in the form of copious amounts of tequila shots each night.  I had grown up !

At some point my social circles changed a bit and I "modified" a car for the first time. Ironically it all started with a trip to Wales. Leaving home for a trip with Steve, we got as far as Elephant and Castle, I pulled up to the petrol pump to fill up, and saw it was out of use. Manoeuvring the car to another pump I clipped the island puncturing a tyre. We swapped it for the space which was a different size, and drove to Wales. Arriving in Wales and deciding it needed to be changed, and a spare sought, we went to Kwik-Fit in Llandudno. They had the tyre in stock and the car went off to get sorted. The guy then came through and asked would I be interested in four new tyres, and could get them on buy now pay later...CREDIT !!

Of course I jumped at the idea, but on leaving the Kwik-Fit the car felt different. Arriving at my aunts house and looking at the car, they had fitted lower profile tyres to the car, and I loved it! And so started my love for modifying my cars. Now in the new world I was going to new places and meeting new people, and still at this point enjoying the social side of life. This is where things changed a bit. Hanging out with a new group of friends, which included a couple of girls. The story gets a bit messy from here on in, so will spare you some of the details, but the long and the short of it.. One of the guys who was seeing one of the girls went on a short holiday to HMP Feltham, and in the time he was away, I kinda started seeing the girl. This turned into something quite deep and emotional, and at the grand old age of 20, I lost my virginity! Immediately besotted with her we stuck together, I moved in to her place, and in a few short months we were at Bromley Hospital A&E as she had "food poisoning" which turned out to be pregnancy. A child was born. This was 1995.

After about 18 months of her being born, me and her mum were drifting a bit, and after a silly argument we split up. Determined my child would not grow up as a single parent child, I made sure I was there all the time, supported them financially, and tried to be a father. Seeing her develop was amazing.
All was well til around 1998, when for reasons I won't go into, access was stopped with immediate effect. I would honestly say, that as the years have gone by, I have denied the impact this had on my mental health. But recent years of digging deep and being honest with myself, I would have to say that THIS was the moment my mind started to fall apart. Occasional phone calls from her mum would anger me, filled with demands and accusations, to the point when I punched through a laminated panel, slicing my hand open. I recall calling Sainsburys in Forest Hill straight after, asking to speak to my heavily pregnant sister, and telling her "don't panic, but I have cut my hand open quite badly and it won't stop bleeding". She very kindly rushed home from work, bandaged me up and came to the hospital with me. 

I think 1999 was a bad year for me, desperately trying to find my feet again. Throwing myself head first into gym life, changing jobs now working nights doing security. The majority of my life was now work (60-80 hours a week) and going to the gym sometimes twice daily, five times a week. Retreating more and more from the more social side of things, and I guess distracting myself from anything around me that could hurt me again. Relationships were short lived, jumping around trying to find a sense of happiness and belonging, but still coming to terms with not being able to see my daughter. I tried to be matter of fact about it, but the reality was it was eating me up inside, and stopping me from getting close to people, or having any meaningful friendships of relationships.

So THAT, I think was the moment my life changed, and I altered course to arrive where I am today. To this day I have issues with closeness, there are certain situations, especially around kids, even my own nieces and nephews which make me highly uncomfortable, and affect my relationships with family and loved ones. Obviously a lot more has happened since then, and I will carry to story on soon. But for now my mind is tired and frantic from thinking this all through, so now is probably a good time to call it a day.

Thanks for reading one of the longest entries I have written for a while. I do love it when the flow returns, but hate deciding where to call it a day for an entry. 

Til next time. 

1

OK, let's not get carried away, but today feels like a good day. Started out by getting up earlier, with the plan being to contact the GP to get a follow up appointment and discuss my med does, with the view to possibly increasing it. The past couple of weeks have been a little testing to put it nicely, so it got me thinking that maybe I needed an increase. However after getting up this morning and waiting for the GP phone lines to open, I had a think, reasoned with myself and decided that with all the upheaval at the moment, maybe now is the wrong time to just up the meds. Maybe let things settle down a bit first and see how it goes. Returning to work (I will come back to that), the change in weather, the sudden decrease in cycling and time outside, all has an impact on my mental state, and is not a direct reflection of my actual state of anxiety.

I had another CBT session this morning, my 8th so far. Prior to the session, especially yesterday I was talking myself out of doing the session, telling myself I didn't feel I needed it anymore, that I was starting to feel better, and any other reason I could come up with. However speaking to Ann about it, I soon realised that I was actually doing this as an avoidance behaviour, and just kidding myself. Of course I need to keep doing the sessions, and should finish the course, who am I kidding! This morning I was dreading getting started with it, but once in the moment, I soon fell into my happy place, and away I went. I mentioned to the therapist that I had considered dropping out or cancelling the session, and she was pleased that I had told her, and that I recognised my reasoning for it. Look at me, I am learning more and more about myself.

One word that has come up again and again is "control". Along with "structure" they are the two words that define my most basic needs. Not to be controlling, but to have an element of control over what I am doing, where I am going, and who I am with. Knowing who I will be with and what is going on makes life a lot easier for me, especially in new situations and surroundings. I only have to look back at certain events to realise how important those two things are to me, and how things can quickly spiral if I am trying to just be a free spirit.  With this knowledge, and the new skills I am learning with CBT I find myself more willing and able to push the boundaries a little, and to try and change my perception of things, especially before even trying or experiencing them.

As an experiment last week, set by my therapist, I tried to find ways to practice pushing my limits a little, and doing things I felt would make me anxious. One of those was speaking to groups of people, or persons I don't know. I had intended on going for a ride, stopping at an unfamiliar cafe and sitting there to eat for lunch, however the weather had other ideas. Instead I decided on something a little more tame, but still something I have avoided repeatedly. On Sundays I take part in a ride on Zwift (online training platform) which is a social event, and has a Discord channel running at the same time, where participants talk, have a laugh, and generally socialise. The idea of being on such a channel, speaking with strangers etc has long scared the hell out of me, but with no other options to try my experiment I downloaded Discord, and when the ride came around, I jumped on. 

For the first 20-30 mins of the ride I just sat back and listened in to what people were talking about, how they interacted, and tried to decide if I could engage with them without feeling stupid, or causing anyone any upset. When the moment presented itself for me to speak, I took my phone off mute, and spoke. Terrified yet vindicated all in the same moment. Moments later someone else responded, and the conversation begun. Careful to mute myself after speaking each time, I felt like I had taken a huge leap, and was now a part of something. Jumping in from time to time to offer some humour, have an opinion or just be a part of the group. Following the session I felt really positive about it all, and know I would not have done it without the CBT sessions and tools I have gained from them so far.

This week, when the ride came around again, I opened the app at the very start, and made a conscious effort to be more involved. Feeling I was getting to know a few of the people on the call, I felt a little braver, and able to be a little more like my natural "cheeky" self. By the end of the session I was more than happy to speak numerous times. After the session I wrote a little message to the group to thank them for the welcome I had received, and explained that I had been doing an experiment for my therapy. I was surprised and delighted with the response I received from that. I wrote the message because I felt like I needed to explain my actions to others, but with a nudge from a friend, and a little retrospective thinking, I realise this was not necessary. However the response had felt good, so no harm done. 

As you might be able to tell from this entry, I am starting to find my flow again with writing and expressing myself, so am hoping to catch up with a few entries over the coming days, and make some notes for myself, while sharing a bit more about my journey so far. I have booked a few days off work soon to give me some time to level out a bit from the sudden rush of going back to work, and also to settle down with the new normal. 

So I shall leave it there for now, and close by saying that I feel pretty good about myself at the moment, and hope to keep up the momentum. 

Thanks for reading as ever.