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The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

In the last entry about this subject I focused on the first thing I can look back on, and identify as a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety. The problem there is it is a retrospective glance back, and I can say categorically that I was completely unaware that any of this was going on. Sure I knew I had to have my hanky in my pocket, and I guess if you had asked me about it at the time I would have compared it to a comforter of some sort. In my younger years I had actually played with my hair a lot more (back when I had some), and would play with my fringe or the hair on the crown of my head. Probably why they are the first to areas to disappear.  I guess as I got older and appearance mattered more, I switched my hair for a hanky. Kinda makes sense really. 

Again, all of this was very much a habit, and a subconscious behaviour to deal with my feelings about certain situations. One thing I can say though is, for a period of time in my teens and early twenties I had far less in the way of social anxiety, my inhibitions were almost non-existent, or so it seemed, and I feel like I behaved like a "normal" person. I don't have any recollections of much in the way of worries about doing things. I was a bit of a gym rat, working out 5-6 times a week, training hard, comfortable in a gym environment, a little shy socially but nothing terrible. Girls really were no on my radar at this point, so I think I was happy in my own little world of gym, friends and home life. 

I think back quite regularly to try and work out when I first became aware of my issues, and if anything happened to start the ball rolling. I have had quite a few moments now where I think I have put my finger on it, but ultimately I think it is a catalogue of events and experiences which all added up together, finally triggered by an event which acted as a catalyst.

Early years, we grew up poor, and I mean POOR! OK not homeless, but hand-me-downs, handouts, living on benefits, three of us in a one bed flat. (me, my mum and my sister) Single parent family, short holidays provided by social services, dinner would sometimes be toasted burger buns with tomato ketchup (no burger), being the kid at school who struggled to bring a toy in. My aunts would send money to my mum at holiday times so we could have a tin of Quality Street, the only actual family holidays were twice a year to North Wales to stay with my aunts, travel paid for by them. I can recall my mum saving the two or four pages in her benefits book which could be stamped by a different Post Office other than the nominated one, which she would use when we were in Wales. Aware of my position on the scales of society, so limited the people I socialised with. Older mum than most kids so stood out for that. The fat kid, struggled with bed wetting, the list goes on. It wasn't the best of starts, but I would not change it for the world. Mum did her best to make the best of a bad situation, and rather than being an ungrateful child who wanted for nothing, I feel it has prepared me in life to know what nothing feels like, and to be thankful for what I have. Which I sometimes struggle to do. 

Going back to Wales for a moment, I think it is fair to say that the three or four weeks a year we would spend there really impacted me deeply. And although I still live in the same house I grew up in (not the one bedroom, we moved when I was eight), 42 years later being back in Wales almost feels more like a home than being here. I am going to analyse my thoughts here and say that Wales offered me hope and security growing up. It was always a happy place, great memories were made there, and I can't look back and think of any negatives. Instead it gave me a happy place, somewhere to escape to a couple of times a year, and something to look forward to. I have to say I think that feeling lives on today, and arriving in Wales each time we travel there gives me the most honest feeling of "home" I can experience anywhere.  Familiarity of the areas, space to walk and breathe, surrounded by nature, and somehow able to escape my own mind, and my fears for a moment. 

Getting back on track, I can remember when changing schools came around, the idea of leaving the nest of St Michaels seemed terrifying. I had been to nursery, infants, and junior school all on the same site. Almost 10 years of the same routine, same walk to school (back when kids walked to school!), being around the same children, and all that was going to be ripped away from me. My new school would not be a local one, but instead I would have to get the bus five miles each morning and evening, travelling to a new area, and one which was home turf for most of the kids at the school. I felt like an outsider for sure, most of the others knew other kids from primary school but not me.  Our tutor group was good though, and over time I managed to forge bonds with a small handful who I would stick with through my years there. 

Secondary school was also the first time I really experienced someone dying. My aunt had died a few years earlier while I was at primary, but I had known she was ill, and my mum told me on the bus home from school one evening. Damn, I got a bus home from school, that was lazy. The news was sad, and I remember feeling a loss, but not much more than that. It felt very matter of fact, not in the way it was delivered, but the way I received it. I think my mum probably expected more of a reaction, but there wasn't to be one.  It was not until secondary school, and hearing the news that one of the boys I travelled on the bus with each day had died as a result of being hit by a car at the bus stop we got off at daily, that I had any kind of emotional reaction to a death at all. In fact looking back over my life since, I think that was the one and only time I ever cried at the news of someone dying. I certainly didn't for my mum, or the passing of a number of close friends in close succession. I will come back to that.

From around this time, I would say I became quite emotionally numb to life in general. Little sympathy for much going on around me in day to day life, feelings of sadness, but crying wasn't really a thing. I would hazard a guess and say that from that point on, the only reason I cried was in pain, and even that was pretty rare. A few broken wrists didn't really bring tears to my eyes, but a couple of other notable moments of physical pain definitely did. 

As my teens passed, I carried on like any normal kid, got a job, learned to drive, but avoided things like alcohol or smoking, and definitely no drugs. I would describe myself as quietly adventurous at that stage in life. I had a passion for cars and speed, liked to go to clubs for the atmosphere and feeling of belonging. Weekends at Equinox in Leicester Square were the norm. When I was 18 I went away for the first time, buying a holiday from a newspaper ad, with two friends from work, and flying off to Poros in Greece for two weeks. Somewhere I would have my first experience with alcohol in the form of copious amounts of tequila shots each night.  I had grown up !

At some point my social circles changed a bit and I "modified" a car for the first time. Ironically it all started with a trip to Wales. Leaving home for a trip with Steve, we got as far as Elephant and Castle, I pulled up to the petrol pump to fill up, and saw it was out of use. Manoeuvring the car to another pump I clipped the island puncturing a tyre. We swapped it for the space which was a different size, and drove to Wales. Arriving in Wales and deciding it needed to be changed, and a spare sought, we went to Kwik-Fit in Llandudno. They had the tyre in stock and the car went off to get sorted. The guy then came through and asked would I be interested in four new tyres, and could get them on buy now pay later...CREDIT !!

Of course I jumped at the idea, but on leaving the Kwik-Fit the car felt different. Arriving at my aunts house and looking at the car, they had fitted lower profile tyres to the car, and I loved it! And so started my love for modifying my cars. Now in the new world I was going to new places and meeting new people, and still at this point enjoying the social side of life. This is where things changed a bit. Hanging out with a new group of friends, which included a couple of girls. The story gets a bit messy from here on in, so will spare you some of the details, but the long and the short of it.. One of the guys who was seeing one of the girls went on a short holiday to HMP Feltham, and in the time he was away, I kinda started seeing the girl. This turned into something quite deep and emotional, and at the grand old age of 20, I lost my virginity! Immediately besotted with her we stuck together, I moved in to her place, and in a few short months we were at Bromley Hospital A&E as she had "food poisoning" which turned out to be pregnancy. A child was born. This was 1995.

After about 18 months of her being born, me and her mum were drifting a bit, and after a silly argument we split up. Determined my child would not grow up as a single parent child, I made sure I was there all the time, supported them financially, and tried to be a father. Seeing her develop was amazing.
All was well til around 1998, when for reasons I won't go into, access was stopped with immediate effect. I would honestly say, that as the years have gone by, I have denied the impact this had on my mental health. But recent years of digging deep and being honest with myself, I would have to say that THIS was the moment my mind started to fall apart. Occasional phone calls from her mum would anger me, filled with demands and accusations, to the point when I punched through a laminated panel, slicing my hand open. I recall calling Sainsburys in Forest Hill straight after, asking to speak to my heavily pregnant sister, and telling her "don't panic, but I have cut my hand open quite badly and it won't stop bleeding". She very kindly rushed home from work, bandaged me up and came to the hospital with me. 

I think 1999 was a bad year for me, desperately trying to find my feet again. Throwing myself head first into gym life, changing jobs now working nights doing security. The majority of my life was now work (60-80 hours a week) and going to the gym sometimes twice daily, five times a week. Retreating more and more from the more social side of things, and I guess distracting myself from anything around me that could hurt me again. Relationships were short lived, jumping around trying to find a sense of happiness and belonging, but still coming to terms with not being able to see my daughter. I tried to be matter of fact about it, but the reality was it was eating me up inside, and stopping me from getting close to people, or having any meaningful friendships of relationships.

So THAT, I think was the moment my life changed, and I altered course to arrive where I am today. To this day I have issues with closeness, there are certain situations, especially around kids, even my own nieces and nephews which make me highly uncomfortable, and affect my relationships with family and loved ones. Obviously a lot more has happened since then, and I will carry to story on soon. But for now my mind is tired and frantic from thinking this all through, so now is probably a good time to call it a day.

Thanks for reading one of the longest entries I have written for a while. I do love it when the flow returns, but hate deciding where to call it a day for an entry. 

Til next time. 

Almost at the end of the first week of taking the news meds, and the side effects are starting to show their face. Nothing alarming, or that I have not experienced before, but they change the game a little all the same. Sertraline is the drug in question this time around, a change to my usual Citalopram, but early days feel the same. 

Due to feelings really run down at the moment, I am already struggling to have the energy to do much, but combined with the early effects of the meds, it has kinda knocked me for six. Currently feeling physically fatigued, my interest in doing anything is badly affected, so I am spending a lot of time sitting around and not doing much. I noticed yesterday when going for a little ride that my energy levels were pretty low. By last night the mouth ulcers including one on my tongue had reached a point of not just discomfort, but annoyance too. Over salivating, so continually swallowing makes it really hard to get to sleep, making you feel like you are drowning in your own saliva. One of the ways to kerb this is to clench my mouth shut, but that leads to headaches. Lose-lose!

Anyway, this is meant to be about side effects of the meds, not ailements of being run down. So let's get back to those. Now the actual intended effects of the meds generally take 4-6 weeks to have a noticable effect on the condition they are treating. However that does not mean they don't start to have an effect straight away. The idea is to build up a level in the body to impact the anxiety, but with a regular dose, it soon starts to have an impact even before levels build up.

Previously, and indeed currently the main effect is a dulling of the thought process. There is a trade off to be had, and I will give a good example of it shortly, but for now, let me try and explain how I feel right now. I feel mentally lethargic, with a lack of focus on anything. Concentration is very, very low, so even something as simple as following the plot of a program I am watching can be difficult. When speaking I can lose my flow mid sentence, or completely tune out of a conversation I am having without warning. Even if I have listened carefully, recalling what was just said can be difficult. Even recalling what I just said can be tough. We all have this sort of thing for a moment, but for me right now, its all day long.

Trying to put a blog entry together is hard work, and in a rare moment of clarity, here I am trying to document what is going on before I lose my way again, and lose the chance to create this valuable reference point for myself. The upside of this feeling of course is the almost inability to dwell on anything. My anxiety can find me caught up in a self destructive loop at times, catastrophising the most simple of thoughts. To go back to the example I promised, last night while suffocating in saliva, I wondered why I was suddenly creating so much. My mind trying to be as irrational as possible took me back a few weekends where I saw a runner at the half marathon running in aid of "saliva gland cancer research"... Of course my mind went to cancer. 

Now, if this was just me, not on medication I can guarentee that I would have got up, googled the symptoms, and somehow worked on making them fit to what was going on, for a moment at least. Instead, my mind went there, the thought entered my mind, exited and was not heard of again for the rest of the night. It is almost like a temporary amnesia which makes it impossible for the conscious mind to hold on to a thought long enough to spiral down with it. Handy in those instances, difficult day to day. Needless to say, concentration comes at a price right now, and that cost is irritability. If I am trying to focus on one thing, and anything distracts me, I become very frustrated, very quickly.  Another cost is energy. To focus on a TV program for an hour, leaves me tired and needing to take a break, which is what I am doing right now.

Other effects include feeling a bit light headed from time to time, lack of interest in doing a lot of things which require any focus or physical energy, and general all round tiredness. Yesterday I liked the idea of going for a couple of rides this weekend, by the time I woke this morning, after a crap nights sleep, I had no interest in doing so whatsoever. Thinking about it, I honestly think I would be a liability on a bike today, as I just can't shake the wandering mind and eyes. We did pop to the shops earlier, and while I felt save taking an easy drive there, my ability to shop  was just not there. No idea what I wanted, so just grabbed a few obvious things, and called it a day. For the rest of the day I shall just rest body and mind.

Fingers crossed the mouth starts to feel a bit better soon, as the over production of saliva and constantly swallowing it leaves me feeling quite nauseous, and I could do without any more ailements right now thanks.

I am gonna leave this one here now as I am struggling a bit to write rather than ramble. Apologies for the waffle and any typos, I just don't have the capacity to do much better. From previous experiences with these meds, these effects should ease a little in the coming weeks. Replaced by some other weird and wonderful side effects, which will also hopefully be short lived.  Just to add, by the end of the week I had received no contact from work at all, no acknowledgement of me calling in sick, or my absence. And no updates on the outcome of my appointment with OH, so that is officially a month without so much as a single word being spoken about it. Nice one! Next week, if I can string a sentence together, I will chase this up.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Footnote..
Apologies to anyone I engage with over the coming few weeks. If I stop talking or replying, or just seem distant, it is just the meds making it hard to concentrate. If you are boring me, I will be sure to just say! 

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading. 

 

It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the "just another half hour" of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.

Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It's not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn't want to give up. 

Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn't seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety. 

I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a "disability"? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time. 

In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can't do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway. 

In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can't deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of "I might not be able to do this soon", which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn't too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable. 

One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead. 

Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don't suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge. 

Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.


*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading. 

Thinking back 24 hours, my head was in a totally different place. With the past couple of weeks taking their toll, and having no outlet, things were starting to boil over. Since writing that blog entry and clearing my head a little of all the issues that were weighing me down, things have been much nicer. 

Just getting into bed now, I feel lighter (if only I felt that way physically too!) with less weight in my shoulders, less pressure on my mind. I feel I am more able to relax. Work today was much easier, able to focus on things and, and multi-task where I needed to. It is truly amazing how much difference a little pressure makes our lives. 

I am already preparing my mind to unwind and let go of all the stresses of the day, so here's to a good night's sleep. 

On a side note, my hayfever has been a lot better today too, which also has tremendous bearing on my state of body and mind. Just going back through some data, and over the past week, my resting heart rate has increased by 1bpm per day. Today it went back down a couple. So again, a small contributing factor to the whole well being situation. 

I have chatted with some great people today, a bit of banter, a little in depth conversation, just the right balance to help see things from a valid perspective, rather than one of a heightened and stressed view. 

I know for sure I want to get out on a bike again soon. Maybe just a little solo spin to get my mono back. My anxiety is doing a great job of making me want to avoid the majority of the human race right now, so won't push that one too hard any time soon. 

So here goes, lights out, relaxing sounds turned on, and maybe the fan for some background notice and cool air. 

Night night. 

Oh, PS.. I haven't forgotten about weight. Work in progress. 

Good morning all. First I would like to say thank you. Thank you for reading the last entry, and thank you to all those who reached out with offers, advice or just meaningful words. It all counts. 

As most know, my intentions on writing these posts are multi pronged. Vent, think out loud, sharing my feelings with all, to allow others fighting similar to see its OK, and of course I would be lying if I didn't say, to engage with others. But only those who have the time and inclination to do so. I don't expect everyone to have something to say, nor know what to do. So I always appreciate when people reach out. 

The venting part is the key for me, and no matter how many times I go through this cycle, I falter every single time. Forgetting lessons I have learnt, ignoring the early signs, and letting myself down by not keeping up the routine of self help I have spent so long figuring out. So to return to it, and get a load off my chest is both refreshing, and a stark reminder of how I could have avoided being back here again. But hey ho, we're here now, let's deal with it. 

Having had a rant last night, I went to bed re-reading it all to myself in my head, wondering if I could have expressed something clearer. Do people think this is attention seeking, trying to figure out how it would be received, and listening for notifications on my phone. Yes, I know, phones are the work of the devil and should he turned off or to silence at night. I usually do! 

The hardest part at times like this is silencing my mind. Going to bed and having someone in your head who won't just shut up is a real battle. Having learned many ways of dealing with them, from putting relaxing music on, to mind clearing routines. Visualisation works well for me, and seems I drop off quite quickly once I get a fix. Last night was no exception. Once I found peace from my mind, I was off. 

Waking this morning feeling much fresher than usual, so off to a positive start. Added to that, seeing messages from a number of people reaching out, was very humbling and at the same time empowering too. Its not about the "are you OK" from as many people as possible, it's more about the communication with people who get it, and have something constructive to say or suggest. The "chin up" messages are well intended, but fall a little short of what is needed. Appreciated all the same, but just lack inspiration to engage. 

As always I am humbled by realising people do care, and that in itself is a boost. But I know that the key to this is me, as always. And while I have grand plans, I have to be realistic and see that these things don't happen over night, and getting the time right is the key to succeeding in my endeavours. 

The action plan really is stop eating quite so much crap, find a routine to work to, and all steps to be moderate and sensible. Sure I can commit to a ball busting grueling program, but as I have come to realise, I am quite fragile in some ways, and aggravating an old injury just sets me back months. So I need to build up gently. 

Start small. A simple routine, and slowly add to it each time I am sure I am not breaking myself physically. Dig shallower is my motto right now. Dig too deep and you end in a hole. Or is that a whole.....heap of pain? So that is where I am gonna start. Not putting a date on it, but starting with a morning routine, get back out with the dogs maybe. Start walking, build back up to running. A faux commute to work is much needed too, I can easily do my faux return commute in the evening on the trainer. 

So, I have ideas, I have a plan, I have support from those around me. What else do I need? Oh yeah, to get my head in the game. That's the bit I can't rush. Can't buy motivation, and can't force your head in the game. 

Speaking of work, and the whole Work From Home thing, this has probably been my only negative on the whole matter. Loss of routine. But I know that is something many of you are also suffering with in one way or another. We hate routine til we lose it, then and only then do we realise the importance of a routine. The dream of having all the money in the world seems quite dire once you realise you would still need a routine, a schedule, some structure in your life. Life without structure is like a body with no bones. No matter how big the muscles, they are useless without structure. Gross I know! 

Anyway, back to the thank yous. Its been inspiring to say the least, and my very first step, the most important thing I am going to do.... Is write more. Sorry and all that, I won't force you to read it, but will be sharing more and more on social media. 

So, on with the day for now, and try and keep my chins up.

 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

Riding home from work one evening this week, something suddenly came to me. A moment of clarity, a rare thing these days! Triggers! What are they, and starts my anxious mind spinning. 

Whilst having a late night Netflix binge at the start of the week, I got watching "Your Mind, Explained". A series of shorts I have to recommend, especially for anyone trying to get to grips with any mental health issues.  One episode in particular resonated with me, surprise, surprise it was the one about Anxiety. In a couple of minutes, with a couple of simple diagrams, the process which causes anxiety to be an issue is explained brilliantly.

To recap, anxiety is a natural feeling, which is why everyone at some point refers to moments of anxiety. From remembering to doing things before leaving home, to triggers which help up make decisions in the blink of an eye (cross or don't cross the road etc), identifying danger, using our past experiences, or things we have learned growing up. Anxiety is a necessary process to keep us safe and functioning. 

The problem arises when that process is used irrationally, albeit unintentionally. There is a time and place for genuine anxiety. Most will know the unwanted kind which tends to pop up when you are in a new environment, or in a situation which could change things for you, exams etc. This is usually a short lived thing, but it triggers all sorts of physical actions. Upset stomach, dry mouth, you know, all those things which you really don't need right there and then. 

For others, these moments are all too frequent, and triggered by what most would deem the most insignificant of events. Getting on a crowded train or bus for example. For me, this can be complete hell, for most it is just an unwanted situation, but one you will get through with little more than a little reluctance. 

As I was taught by Netflix, this is Social Anxiety, and quite simply, it is the feeling of being judged and watched by everyone around you. Fearing that you are not worthy, not wanted, or just don't fit in. Simple eye contact can turn into a fast spinning whirlwind of panic. Of course, eye contact is something 95% of people avoid in confined spaces anyway, which is demonstrated by our love of phones, games consoles, and newspapers when using public transport. Not to mention my two favourites, headphones and sunglasses. 

Then there is the sort of anxiety I noticed on the ride home, and a far more common one for me. Situational anxiety. Have you ever had a confrontation with someone, and found yourself replaying it in your head? The confrontation lasted 30 seconds, a quick exchange of words, and it's over. But for you, in your mind, the next 20-30 mins are spent dwelling on it. Replaying it, rethinking what you could have, or should have said or done? I am guessing at that time period, as for me, it can last a few hours or a few days. I kid you not. Revisiting the situation, going through the whole thing from start to finish, examining what was said by the other party, exploring what could have been meant by every word. Wondering what that person is thinking or saying about you, how could you have handled it differently. Wondering if they are even bothered about it, or simply moved on. 

An exchange on social media last week is a great example of that. And for the few words that were said, their meaning was chewed over for a couple of days at least. With the intentions towards me,  of the person saying them mulled over too. 

Anyway, back to the ride... 

Riding along a quiet road, decent pace, I noticed a few young lads by the side of the road throwing conkers at each other. From about 50-100 metres away I could see what they were doing. Playful, laughing, no aggression.  However as I got closer I started thinking they might throw something at me as I passed. A lone cyclist, quiet road, I mean, why not, that's what kids do, right. 

Now I KNOW this isn't what all kids do, and I know it is completely irrational to assume something would happen, but that is how this mind works. So now I am getting tense. Remember this is all happening within 50-100 metres at about 20mph! Getting closer I can feel my grip on the bars increasing, shoulders tensing, waiting, preparing for something to be thrown my way. 

Will it hit me, will something bounce on the ground near me, will it make me fall off or wobble. Just the one or multiple, if they do, should I stop, should I just shout, maybe just ride on. If I stop or shout, what do I say, do I swear and become immediately aggressive, laugh it off, turn around and confront them. 

If I say something, what if they reply, would it turn physical, 3 onto 1, confronting is a bad idea, but why should they get away with it... And so on.
10 seconds later, I have passed them, stiff as a board, stressed as I can possibly be. Breathing out for the first time since seeing them.... NOTHING! They are still messing about, play fighting among each other, probably didn't even see me pass by. A few deep breaths, the cycle of anxiety broken this time around, and I carry on on my way home. 

Within a minute of this happening, my mind is busy, writing this blog entry in my head. It's a breakthrough! Finally I have a perfect example of how the anxious mind works, and how quickly normality can become hell for some people. Similar cycles pop up repeatedly for the remainder of the ride home, and every ride which has any kind of interaction or even just potential interaction with people along the way.

Now imagine that thought process, almost ever present, ready to leap out at you and start spinning. Any situation is a potential trigger, it just takes the wrong word, look, or environment for it all to start spinning. Shopping, travelling, driving, the list is endless. And the list is very different for different people. 

So finally after almost a week, here I am writing this, hoping that it once again strikes a chord with one or two people out there, and makes some sense of what they are feeling. Or in some cases, makes it easier for others to understand how some peoples minds works. 

Anxiety and avoidance go hand in hand for this exact reason. It is not the fear of the activity or event, not the lack of will to participate. But instead the fear of the unknown, unplanned, unforseen. Being unprepared for a situation which might arise, and the subsequent spiral of thoughts it will induce. 

Meeting a stranger for the first time. I can outwardly appear fine about it. My natural defences will help me fight through the situation with some dark humour, a little laughter and finding a way to speed my way through the encounter. Like a duck in water, on the surface, all seems calm, I am gliding along through the conversation or situation. But below the surface, all hell is breaking loose. Legs kicking like crazy, struggling to stay afloat and present.

While I may glide through a situation with apparent ease. By the end of it I am absolutely exhausted and drained. Needing some me time to recharge, regroup, before I can even contemplate being in a similar situation. The natural ability to fight through a situation can become a serious drain on the mind, and if put in a situation too many times, in too short a period of time, can lead to a complete shutdown. 

This is something I try and avoid putting myself through. So if ever you see me being quiet, doing my own thing, not being too chatty or getting into big conversations, that is more than likely all that is going on with me. The same I would guess would apply to some others too. 

To put it into context, when the average person has a physically exhausting day, it is nice to put your feet up in the evening. When the same person has a long week, it is nice for them to take the weekend to themselves to get their energy back. When you do that for too long without a good enough rest, you become weak, exhausted, and unable to function correctly..

Welcome to my mind.... It is exactly the same, you just can't see the soreness, or massage it away. It just takes time. 

Phew, speaking of exhaustion... For once, it is physical for me, and that is a nice feeling. Doesn't mean I will sleep any better, but it is nice to physically feel recovery once in a while.

Speaking of sleeping, before I go... YOGA!

I blogged about relaxation the other day, with James and his reflexology being one way to recharge. At the moment yoga is my thing. Spending time with yourself, relaxing the mind while working the body hard, all in the privacy of my home, and not moving an inch. The best part being, with no risk of encountering anyone in the process. 30 minutes of a near state of meditation is an amazing thing, and something I am really benefiting from. So if you get a chance, relax, be at one with yourself, and take some time out to relax your mind. 

A few deep breaths here, and I am done.... 

Namaste