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Tag: side effects

Published on Leave a comment on Heigh-ho, heigh-ho…

It's back to work I go...

It has been a while, in fact it feels like an eternity if I am honest, both since working, and writing anything. But lets focus on them one at a time. 

I have been off sick from work since mid-way through September, when the anxiety all got too much for me, and my mind went pop. Signed off by the GP immediately, and put onto meds, and into therapy, the past 6 or so weeks have been one heck of a journey. And it's not over yet, far from it. I was late starting the meds due to reluctance to getting back onto a long course of medication for what felt like a short term glitch. However with no sign of the glitch being sorted any time soon, I decided getting on the meds was the right way to go, and thus far it has been the right decision. CBT has helped too, and I am planning an entry about that too, I just have to get my mind to work right to try and make sense of it all. 

Getting back to work has always been at the front of my mind, as with previous episodes, work has always offered me a sense of routine, and helped my structure my days even at the worst of times. So it is quite a relief to reach this point. That said, it is not easy! 
Right now my brain simply refuses to play ball, mostly because of the medication. Describing its effects to my therapist yesterday I think I hit the nail on the head explaining the difference between my current medicated and non medicated states.

Without meds I have what I would describe as a large Las Vegas style neon sign in my head. This lights up with all sorts of worries, both important and unimportant at the most inopportune times. When I am trying to sleep, it will over power my thoughts and make sure it is the only thing I can think about. 
With meds the sign goes out, and we swap the Vegas strip for a casino, and the slot machines. Now, when I try and think about something it is like hitting START or pulling the arm on a fruit machine, the reels start spinning, the icons become and blur and a thousand images / thoughts run through my head every second. Trying to focus on one topic is like trying to pick out the cherrys symbol on all three reels at the same time, impossible!

I hope that makes some sense, as in my head it makes perfect sense.
Usually when in a normal state of mind, without medication, I am able to focus quite well at the job in hand, or stay part of a conversation. However currently I can barely stay focused for one sentence. During my CBT yesterday I kept drifting away during the discussions, and had to ask for things to be repeated as I just could not take in what was being said. 

Last weekend a few small packages arrived for my for my office. Three simple monitor stands, comprising of 4 pieces of wood, and a few fittings. To say I felt a massive sense of achievement from putting a couple of them together is an understatement. Staying in the moment for 5 mins, focused enough to look at the instructions, make sense of them and put it all together was fantastic and a real boost for my confidence. Which was perfect timing as a few days later I was returning to work, so at least I was not worried I could not concentrate at all.

I have managed two days now working, and I have to say it is draining. Not as bad as it would have been a week or more ago, but I am VERY aware of how much energy it is taking to keep my head in the game. Again, it feels like I have accomplished something far more than doing a days work. 

That brings me to the writing side of things. As a coping mechanism it is great for me, so at times when I am less creative and unable to put too much down in writing, it is a bit of a set back for me. Not being able to get rid of the thoughts that weigh heavily on me takes it toll. So sitting here writing this now feels fantastic, and like I am starting to get a little bit of my sparkle back. But I won't get too carried away just yet. There is a big difference between a little clarity, and feeling better over all. 

During the past few weeks, I have so many things I wanted to write, but just not had the thought process to put anything worthwhile together, and after 10 mins of not putting anything in writing, the thoughts are gone again, so a few missed opportunities which will hopefully come back to me at a later date. 

I am now staring blankly at the screen again, so think it is best to leave it there for now. 

Thanks for reading, thank you to everyone who has lent an ear, chatted on IM and even given me a hug. 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on It’s all just a blur!

The past few days have been a bit full on to say the least. After a long week of cycling last week, Sunday came around and it was time to complete the 26.2 miles of the Virtual London Marathon. With my head in the clouds and my mood in the gutter it was always going to be challenging. But with the increased lack of activity in my brain (does that even make sense? Increased lack?) it was even harder to make sense of what was going on, let alone stay in the right frame of mind to put myself through the mill to complete the task. Long story short, I did, just about. 18 miles mainly run, the last 8 walked. Got there in the end. Finishing a little deflated with the time, but in the circumstances I am taking it as a win. Six and a half hours. Sub six is the goal if I ever bother again.

Then there is the increase in meds, dose doubled, from Monday, which is a good thing as my brain continues to play games and stress me over nothing. That said, the brain numbness is definitely setting in now. My attention span is non existent, and I have to apologise at the start of conversations in case I tune out mid sentence. The first couple of days with the meds increasing I could feel the wooziness, and the absolute lack of attention and focus I now have. To the point of choosing not to drive. I haven't cycled either, but that is not through lack of want, just lack of useable legs right now! I have however been sleeping a lot better, broken but longer durations. Although the past couple of nights I have struggled to settle at first.

Yesterday was pretty full on. Ann returned to work after being off with her breathing for the past couple of weeks, during and post Covid. However this was short lived as she was back home quickly, and after a chat with 111 the ambulance was on its way. Meanwhile I was preparing for my 3rd CBT session. I subsequently rescheduled that as the ambulance was sure to arrive in the middle of it. Which by the clock, it actually did, so well played me. Back to CBT next week.  Ann was whisked away to hospital for further checks, while I went out for a quick walk to clear my head, before heading to the hospital. 

On arriving at the hospital and finding Ann in A&E, I received an email from work. It was just a quick catch up, but the content of it was quite good. In short it says "HR agree you should remain WFH". Which is what I really needed to hear, so that is massive and positive. But remember how I said I could turn anything negative, well in a flash... My brain went to, "but for how long", "is this just a play on words", "will me being off sick affect their decision" and many more negative thoughts. 
I do however have a catch up meeting on Teams with my boss on Friday, so can address some of my concerns again then. I just need to remember to write them down as I think of them, or I will just forget them in the moment. I really can't remember anything at the moment. 

Right now the way my brain is, I can type this as long as I rely on touch typing, and don't try and look at the keyboard. If I do, all the letters and keys float around and I have to chase them to type. It all feels very unpleasant indeed.

Going back to how I am feeling, and how the meds are affecting me, I spoke with the GP again at the start of the week, and it has been agreed that my absence from work should be extended a little while longer, to allow things to settle down in the grey matter, and for me to level out a bit before trying to actually function on a useful level. If I tried to work now, I would probably just stare at the screen and be completely unable to decide what to do next. How can you write a blog in that case I hear some of you ask... Well, first off, badly!
Secondly, this is me focusing just on what is in my head, and using my instincts and muscle memory to hammer it out on a familiar keyboard. I am sure there are typos in here. Hard to explain, but to get these thoughts out of my head is actually beneficial to my well-being, as oppose to working myself up over things with work.
So the extra time off will hopefully allow me to get some fresh air, clear my head, find some balance, and maybe even get some more news from work about how things are progressing. 

I am sure there were more things I wanted to say, but as I sit here swaying from side to side trying to recall them, I realise it's time to sign off for now. 


Til next time. 

Published on Leave a comment on Side effects have arrived!

Almost at the end of the first week of taking the news meds, and the side effects are starting to show their face. Nothing alarming, or that I have not experienced before, but they change the game a little all the same. Sertraline is the drug in question this time around, a change to my usual Citalopram, but early days feel the same. 

Due to feelings really run down at the moment, I am already struggling to have the energy to do much, but combined with the early effects of the meds, it has kinda knocked me for six. Currently feeling physically fatigued, my interest in doing anything is badly affected, so I am spending a lot of time sitting around and not doing much. I noticed yesterday when going for a little ride that my energy levels were pretty low. By last night the mouth ulcers including one on my tongue had reached a point of not just discomfort, but annoyance too. Over salivating, so continually swallowing makes it really hard to get to sleep, making you feel like you are drowning in your own saliva. One of the ways to kerb this is to clench my mouth shut, but that leads to headaches. Lose-lose!

Anyway, this is meant to be about side effects of the meds, not ailements of being run down. So let's get back to those. Now the actual intended effects of the meds generally take 4-6 weeks to have a noticable effect on the condition they are treating. However that does not mean they don't start to have an effect straight away. The idea is to build up a level in the body to impact the anxiety, but with a regular dose, it soon starts to have an impact even before levels build up.

Previously, and indeed currently the main effect is a dulling of the thought process. There is a trade off to be had, and I will give a good example of it shortly, but for now, let me try and explain how I feel right now. I feel mentally lethargic, with a lack of focus on anything. Concentration is very, very low, so even something as simple as following the plot of a program I am watching can be difficult. When speaking I can lose my flow mid sentence, or completely tune out of a conversation I am having without warning. Even if I have listened carefully, recalling what was just said can be difficult. Even recalling what I just said can be tough. We all have this sort of thing for a moment, but for me right now, its all day long.

Trying to put a blog entry together is hard work, and in a rare moment of clarity, here I am trying to document what is going on before I lose my way again, and lose the chance to create this valuable reference point for myself. The upside of this feeling of course is the almost inability to dwell on anything. My anxiety can find me caught up in a self destructive loop at times, catastrophising the most simple of thoughts. To go back to the example I promised, last night while suffocating in saliva, I wondered why I was suddenly creating so much. My mind trying to be as irrational as possible took me back a few weekends where I saw a runner at the half marathon running in aid of "saliva gland cancer research"... Of course my mind went to cancer. 

Now, if this was just me, not on medication I can guarentee that I would have got up, googled the symptoms, and somehow worked on making them fit to what was going on, for a moment at least. Instead, my mind went there, the thought entered my mind, exited and was not heard of again for the rest of the night. It is almost like a temporary amnesia which makes it impossible for the conscious mind to hold on to a thought long enough to spiral down with it. Handy in those instances, difficult day to day. Needless to say, concentration comes at a price right now, and that cost is irritability. If I am trying to focus on one thing, and anything distracts me, I become very frustrated, very quickly.  Another cost is energy. To focus on a TV program for an hour, leaves me tired and needing to take a break, which is what I am doing right now.

Other effects include feeling a bit light headed from time to time, lack of interest in doing a lot of things which require any focus or physical energy, and general all round tiredness. Yesterday I liked the idea of going for a couple of rides this weekend, by the time I woke this morning, after a crap nights sleep, I had no interest in doing so whatsoever. Thinking about it, I honestly think I would be a liability on a bike today, as I just can't shake the wandering mind and eyes. We did pop to the shops earlier, and while I felt save taking an easy drive there, my ability to shop  was just not there. No idea what I wanted, so just grabbed a few obvious things, and called it a day. For the rest of the day I shall just rest body and mind.

Fingers crossed the mouth starts to feel a bit better soon, as the over production of saliva and constantly swallowing it leaves me feeling quite nauseous, and I could do without any more ailements right now thanks.
I am gonna leave this one here now as I am struggling a bit to write rather than ramble. Apologies for the waffle and any typos, I just don't have the capacity to do much better. From previous experiences with these meds, these effects should ease a little in the coming weeks. Replaced by some other weird and wonderful side effects, which will also hopefully be short lived.  Just to add, by the end of the week I had received no contact from work at all, no acknowledgement of me calling in sick, or my absence. And no updates on the outcome of my appointment with OH, so that is officially a month without so much as a single word being spoken about it. Nice one! Next week, if I can string a sentence together, I will chase this up.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Footnote..
Apologies to anyone I engage with over the coming few weeks. If I stop talking or replying, or just seem distant, it is just the meds making it hard to concentrate. If you are boring me, I will be sure to just say!