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Published on Leave a comment on Depression or exhaustion.

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

Published on Leave a comment on Time for an update. I GOT MARRIED !

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on Aaah, that’s better.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

Published on Leave a comment on Unsettled and agitated.

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Sidenote on medications…

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

Published on Leave a comment on Today is a big decision day!

For the past couple of months, as you may know, I have been reducing the dose of my meds. Sertraline, an SSRI, basically works by increasing serotonin levels. It had been a long time for me since I was last on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, but last summer, with everything going on at work, I needed some help. That came in the form of meds and counselling.

SInce the final decision was made regarding my WFH status etc, I have definitely been in a better place mentally. Over the past few months I have felt a good positive change in my moods, and ability to function in general. These changes are aside from how I already felt being on the meds. Having used SSRI's previously it has always been important to me to document and be consciously aware of how I feel, and any changes. This helps in the decision making process for weaning myself back off the meds when the time is right.

After the WFH decision was made, I started making note of the meds and moods, and after a few weeks started to reduce the dose. I have not been on a high dose at any point this time around, so things were slightly less critical for me. 
I would like to say this was done with the guidance of the GP, but that is not the case for a number of reasons. Primarily I wanted to feel in control of things. If I don't change the prescription dose, I will always have sufficient meds to increase again. Whereas if I do it with the GP, the prescription will change, and if I wobble and feel the need to increase, I would need to speak to the GP again, and getting an appointment would just add stress, making the whole situation feel worse, and defeat the object. 
Anyway, I have retained the normal prescription for now, and slowly lowered the dose. A few weeks at a time on each dose, until I reached this week. 

Now I am at the point where the dose is so low that I can either stop completely, or do one day on one day off so to speak, as the final step. In reality, with the dose this low, it is really only a mental exercise, and any effects would likely be psychosomatic anyway. But nonetheless, it's all about the process and feeling you have done the right thing. The half life of the drug is 24-32 hours, so by doing one on, one off, the levels will remain present, with no sudden drop off for the off day.

Obviously as will all things like this, timing is key. The timing for me on one hand is perfect, and on the other hand, depending how you look at it, couldn't be worse.
Almost a week post surgery, off work for a week. Three weeks out from a long planned trip to Florida, and four weeks out from getting married. So as the timing goes, if I alternate this week and next, I will be off meds with a week to go to Florida. Again, two weeks in the sun, away from everything, relax, and unwind. But at the same time quite full on with travel too. Not that a micro dose that I am on would change much about that anyway.

I would of course take the meds with me, although they take a few weeks to kick in properly, at least I would have them if I needed to restart the course.

While writing this (as usually happens) I have had the conversations with myself that I needed to, and pretty much come to a decision, but I am always interested in other peoples opinions and experiences, so feel free to share either. 

What do you think?

Published on Leave a comment on The year ahead – 2023

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on So, what now? What’s happening?

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The fine line defined

On my current journey with anxiety and my mental health, I have once again made some interesting discoveries. The first being with the medication. I have felt over the past few weeks that the control I have over my moods is all my own doing, and that the relatively low dose of meds might not be worth while. However after a recent late evening wobble, and the panic setting in that I would dwell on it for weeks and not be able to sleep at all that night, I slept fine. Now I am not saying this was all down to the medication, as I know for a fact I was using techniques to distract myself from the subject. However feeling like I was going to struggle, then discovering I was actually doing OK was just a reminder of the mental numbness the meds provide. Ideal for situations just like this. I am happy to report that I have been OK with it all since too, although a little annoyed when it pops back into my head. 

So between the meds and my new found skills and techniques to deal with unwanted thoughts, I have done well, and am thankful to be on the meds. My plan to try and ease off them any time soon has been put to one side, as it seems that this is a good balance for me, especially as my mental clarity returns, allowing me to be able to write and vent again. 

Recently though, while working with the therapist on goals and what I want to achieve from this round of CBT, my goalposts have moved a little with the realisation of a couple of different factors. 
Firstly with setting goals I am encouraged to push my limits and try things I generally avoid. Tackling social situations which cause me anxiety, in order to experience them and learn from them. The aim here is basically exposure therapy, becoming more familiar and comfortable with certain situations, and trying to chip away at the pre event anxiety by reinforcing my thoughts with positive experiences. 

The second part is about me and my familiarity with certain aspects of my day to day life. When something flares up, you tend to focus on that issue, and put all the other things aside for a while. Attributing everything to that one single issue, and making it the source of all evil which needs to be overcome. In all the noise of CBT and the positive strides I am making, I had forgotten about so many other aspects of day to day life for me, and other issues I deal with. Kidding myself for a moment that if I can overcome the issues addressed in my CBT, I will be a new man... But that is NOT the case. 

As my mind clears, and I start to get back to my normal activities, I am able to ask myself questions about what I want from life, and answer myself honestly, without any sort of perfection pipe dream ideas. 

What got me thinking about all this was working from home. Sorry, but don't panic, it isn't going to turn into a post about that, although I should say I have not heard a word about WFH since returning to work from my sickness a while back. Not even the promised check in calls. Oh well!
No, instead this is about the isolation aspect of WFH, as many have spoken of MH issues arising from spending so much time alone, you may recall I actually said I had seen benefits. 

I took an afternoon to consider if it was actually having any negative impacts on me at all. On days with crappy weather, with no commute to do, I will generally stay indoors 99% of the day. Maybe spending a while in the garden with the dogs a few times a day, but nothing more. But is that a bad thing? To have a restful day, relaxing the mind and body for a bit? Some would argue that it is detrimental to someones wellbeing to be isolated like that, but in reality it is downtime for me, and something I need plenty of. In fact I would go so far as to say, having this level of control over my engagements with others is a wonderful thing. Another example of how I control my interactions, sending packages. I would rather pay more to send something to someone and use an automated drop box, than go into a local store to drop off something. A tiny interaction, but one I would rather not do. Am I afraid, anxious, or just anti-social, that is hard to say, but I will address it later. But in short, after careful consideration, NO, I don't see WFH as a negative for me, in fact I stand by my original feelings about it, and I think it is definitely a positive. 

The next thing to look at is socialising, as it is something that my CBT has focused on over the past eight weeks or so. As the sessions have progressed I have been called on to take a look at my social skills, and how they could improve for me. I think the main reason for this goes back to my first talk with the GP, and mentioning being in an office environment made me feel anxious. As we discussed this, she focused on the social aspect of the anxiety, which is fair enough, but we didn't touch on my more general anxieties, and other bits. This passed over to the MH experts and my CBT became focused on the social part, rather than broader anxiety, and that is how it has stayed. 

As the sessions have gone by, there is no denying I have gained some valuable tools for dealing with social situations I find myself in, however I feel like there are other issues I have, and struggle with that are overlooked by this focus. To this extent the sessions are feeling almost non productive at times now, and dealing with things I would not likely choose to encounter, and avoid for reasons other than anxiety as such. Although it may be generalised as that.

One of the things that I have recently been reminded of is how noise affects me. This is where the divide of anxiety and other starts to show up. For me noise, be it environmental or other sounds such as music, or even just loud conversation, is something that really impacts my state of mind. To be clear, it is not simply loud noises, I love a concert as much as the next person (artist and environment allowing). For me it is more about noise clashes. A few examples maybe

Listening to music, and hearing other sounds, music or conversation over the top of it
Watching TV, and someone speaking at the same time
Busy environments with lots of talking, laughter, screaming. (shopping centres etc)
In short, noise clashes, be they natural or man made. My brain struggles to process them, I get frustrated and then feel almost anxious, and want to escape the area. I have tried many times on focusing on one sound, trying to zone out, but it is very difficult for me to do, especially if I am already in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment. 

This combined with crowded spaces with lots of people moving around is an absolute nightmare for me. With regards to places like concerts, getting in and out is horrible, but actually being there in the moment is fine, or at least worth the effort of staying calm for. Like many things, it is all about the cost to me in mental energy. If it is something I want to do badly enough, I will put myself through hell to be in that moment, and worry about the cost later. But to be in a situation I don't like, then suffer the same drain of energy feels like a fail and absolute torture. 

With all the above in mind, I am left back at the same point I was before the latest bout of anxiety, and that is wondering what else there is to it, other than just anxiety. 
A while back I considered some testing for other things like Autism. Not for a diagnosis, or any sort of weird labelling exercise, but to better understand what the strange combinations of symptoms and quirks I have, and what they amount to. Just to understand it for myself and help me make better decisions moving forward. So in the new year, after CBT is all done, and I have a fresher head on my shoulders I may once again look into getting some private testing done. Curiosity not cure is my mantra for this. 

When all is said and done, and coming back to the title of the entry, I am keen to discover a few things, such as what is down to my general anxiety, and what is down to something else. What can I have some control over, and what ultimately has control over me. And most importantly, how do I adjust my life/ behaviours, and educate others around me to my particular needs. I don't want to be the guy who simply dismisses things without trying them, in fear of what might happen. I know that is something I can both control and do better with. But I also know that certain settings are simply not my thing, and regardless of reason or excuse, I wish to avoid them at all costs.

Lots more to say on some of this, but feel I have gone on long enough now and am just rambling, so will call it a day here. I am keen to get a couple of other entries done soon, but going to let the brain rest for a bit, so I don't write absolute trash.

Interesting side note, I have been writing this during quiet moments between work. Which to me is huge, to be able to switch my thought processed so effectively again is a great feeling. 

Thanks as ever for reading. 

Published on Leave a comment on My history with anxiety. Pt 2

In the last entry about this subject I focused on the first thing I can look back on, and identify as a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety. The problem there is it is a retrospective glance back, and I can say categorically that I was completely unaware that any of this was going on. Sure I knew I had to have my hanky in my pocket, and I guess if you had asked me about it at the time I would have compared it to a comforter of some sort. In my younger years I had actually played with my hair a lot more (back when I had some), and would play with my fringe or the hair on the crown of my head. Probably why they are the first to areas to disappear.  I guess as I got older and appearance mattered more, I switched my hair for a hanky. Kinda makes sense really. 

Again, all of this was very much a habit, and a subconscious behaviour to deal with my feelings about certain situations. One thing I can say though is, for a period of time in my teens and early twenties I had far less in the way of social anxiety, my inhibitions were almost non-existent, or so it seemed, and I feel like I behaved like a "normal" person. I don't have any recollections of much in the way of worries about doing things. I was a bit of a gym rat, working out 5-6 times a week, training hard, comfortable in a gym environment, a little shy socially but nothing terrible. Girls really were no on my radar at this point, so I think I was happy in my own little world of gym, friends and home life. 

I think back quite regularly to try and work out when I first became aware of my issues, and if anything happened to start the ball rolling. I have had quite a few moments now where I think I have put my finger on it, but ultimately I think it is a catalogue of events and experiences which all added up together, finally triggered by an event which acted as a catalyst.

Early years, we grew up poor, and I mean POOR! OK not homeless, but hand-me-downs, handouts, living on benefits, three of us in a one bed flat. (me, my mum and my sister) Single parent family, short holidays provided by social services, dinner would sometimes be toasted burger buns with tomato ketchup (no burger), being the kid at school who struggled to bring a toy in. My aunts would send money to my mum at holiday times so we could have a tin of Quality Street, the only actual family holidays were twice a year to North Wales to stay with my aunts, travel paid for by them. I can recall my mum saving the two or four pages in her benefits book which could be stamped by a different Post Office other than the nominated one, which she would use when we were in Wales. Aware of my position on the scales of society, so limited the people I socialised with. Older mum than most kids so stood out for that. The fat kid, struggled with bed wetting, the list goes on. It wasn't the best of starts, but I would not change it for the world. Mum did her best to make the best of a bad situation, and rather than being an ungrateful child who wanted for nothing, I feel it has prepared me in life to know what nothing feels like, and to be thankful for what I have. Which I sometimes struggle to do. 

Going back to Wales for a moment, I think it is fair to say that the three or four weeks a year we would spend there really impacted me deeply. And although I still live in the same house I grew up in (not the one bedroom, we moved when I was eight), 42 years later being back in Wales almost feels more like a home than being here. I am going to analyse my thoughts here and say that Wales offered me hope and security growing up. It was always a happy place, great memories were made there, and I can't look back and think of any negatives. Instead it gave me a happy place, somewhere to escape to a couple of times a year, and something to look forward to. I have to say I think that feeling lives on today, and arriving in Wales each time we travel there gives me the most honest feeling of "home" I can experience anywhere.  Familiarity of the areas, space to walk and breathe, surrounded by nature, and somehow able to escape my own mind, and my fears for a moment. 

Getting back on track, I can remember when changing schools came around, the idea of leaving the nest of St Michaels seemed terrifying. I had been to nursery, infants, and junior school all on the same site. Almost 10 years of the same routine, same walk to school (back when kids walked to school!), being around the same children, and all that was going to be ripped away from me. My new school would not be a local one, but instead I would have to get the bus five miles each morning and evening, travelling to a new area, and one which was home turf for most of the kids at the school. I felt like an outsider for sure, most of the others knew other kids from primary school but not me.  Our tutor group was good though, and over time I managed to forge bonds with a small handful who I would stick with through my years there. 

Secondary school was also the first time I really experienced someone dying. My aunt had died a few years earlier while I was at primary, but I had known she was ill, and my mum told me on the bus home from school one evening. Damn, I got a bus home from school, that was lazy. The news was sad, and I remember feeling a loss, but not much more than that. It felt very matter of fact, not in the way it was delivered, but the way I received it. I think my mum probably expected more of a reaction, but there wasn't to be one.  It was not until secondary school, and hearing the news that one of the boys I travelled on the bus with each day had died as a result of being hit by a car at the bus stop we got off at daily, that I had any kind of emotional reaction to a death at all. In fact looking back over my life since, I think that was the one and only time I ever cried at the news of someone dying. I certainly didn't for my mum, or the passing of a number of close friends in close succession. I will come back to that.

From around this time, I would say I became quite emotionally numb to life in general. Little sympathy for much going on around me in day to day life, feelings of sadness, but crying wasn't really a thing. I would hazard a guess and say that from that point on, the only reason I cried was in pain, and even that was pretty rare. A few broken wrists didn't really bring tears to my eyes, but a couple of other notable moments of physical pain definitely did. 

As my teens passed, I carried on like any normal kid, got a job, learned to drive, but avoided things like alcohol or smoking, and definitely no drugs. I would describe myself as quietly adventurous at that stage in life. I had a passion for cars and speed, liked to go to clubs for the atmosphere and feeling of belonging. Weekends at Equinox in Leicester Square were the norm. When I was 18 I went away for the first time, buying a holiday from a newspaper ad, with two friends from work, and flying off to Poros in Greece for two weeks. Somewhere I would have my first experience with alcohol in the form of copious amounts of tequila shots each night.  I had grown up !

At some point my social circles changed a bit and I "modified" a car for the first time. Ironically it all started with a trip to Wales. Leaving home for a trip with Steve, we got as far as Elephant and Castle, I pulled up to the petrol pump to fill up, and saw it was out of use. Manoeuvring the car to another pump I clipped the island puncturing a tyre. We swapped it for the space which was a different size, and drove to Wales. Arriving in Wales and deciding it needed to be changed, and a spare sought, we went to Kwik-Fit in Llandudno. They had the tyre in stock and the car went off to get sorted. The guy then came through and asked would I be interested in four new tyres, and could get them on buy now pay later...CREDIT !!

Of course I jumped at the idea, but on leaving the Kwik-Fit the car felt different. Arriving at my aunts house and looking at the car, they had fitted lower profile tyres to the car, and I loved it! And so started my love for modifying my cars. Now in the new world I was going to new places and meeting new people, and still at this point enjoying the social side of life. This is where things changed a bit. Hanging out with a new group of friends, which included a couple of girls. The story gets a bit messy from here on in, so will spare you some of the details, but the long and the short of it.. One of the guys who was seeing one of the girls went on a short holiday to HMP Feltham, and in the time he was away, I kinda started seeing the girl. This turned into something quite deep and emotional, and at the grand old age of 20, I lost my virginity! Immediately besotted with her we stuck together, I moved in to her place, and in a few short months we were at Bromley Hospital A&E as she had "food poisoning" which turned out to be pregnancy. A child was born. This was 1995.

After about 18 months of her being born, me and her mum were drifting a bit, and after a silly argument we split up. Determined my child would not grow up as a single parent child, I made sure I was there all the time, supported them financially, and tried to be a father. Seeing her develop was amazing.
All was well til around 1998, when for reasons I won't go into, access was stopped with immediate effect. I would honestly say, that as the years have gone by, I have denied the impact this had on my mental health. But recent years of digging deep and being honest with myself, I would have to say that THIS was the moment my mind started to fall apart. Occasional phone calls from her mum would anger me, filled with demands and accusations, to the point when I punched through a laminated panel, slicing my hand open. I recall calling Sainsburys in Forest Hill straight after, asking to speak to my heavily pregnant sister, and telling her "don't panic, but I have cut my hand open quite badly and it won't stop bleeding". She very kindly rushed home from work, bandaged me up and came to the hospital with me. 

I think 1999 was a bad year for me, desperately trying to find my feet again. Throwing myself head first into gym life, changing jobs now working nights doing security. The majority of my life was now work (60-80 hours a week) and going to the gym sometimes twice daily, five times a week. Retreating more and more from the more social side of things, and I guess distracting myself from anything around me that could hurt me again. Relationships were short lived, jumping around trying to find a sense of happiness and belonging, but still coming to terms with not being able to see my daughter. I tried to be matter of fact about it, but the reality was it was eating me up inside, and stopping me from getting close to people, or having any meaningful friendships of relationships.

So THAT, I think was the moment my life changed, and I altered course to arrive where I am today. To this day I have issues with closeness, there are certain situations, especially around kids, even my own nieces and nephews which make me highly uncomfortable, and affect my relationships with family and loved ones. Obviously a lot more has happened since then, and I will carry to story on soon. But for now my mind is tired and frantic from thinking this all through, so now is probably a good time to call it a day.

Thanks for reading one of the longest entries I have written for a while. I do love it when the flow returns, but hate deciding where to call it a day for an entry. 

Til next time.