Skip to content

Yup, that's right, after 24 years working at the same place, in just two roles, a swiftly called meeting this afternoon wrapped it all up into a couple of neat sentences. Our role is to be "absorbed" into other operations, and therefore our services are no longer required. The end of service will be around March some time, but we are currently waiting on one-to-one consultations to find out more. There will of course be a compensations package. 

Before I carry on, by "today" I actually mean yesterday, but I have just been taking a bit of time to digest all of this before putting fingers to keys. Having thought over this overnight, I thought it would be best to write in a short series of entries, so not to miss anything out, or skate over some parts to keep the entry short. So I will start with the immediate thoughts, and feelings on the situation.

So here goes...
Since 2020 there have been some big changes in the company, closures, consolidations, and other cost saving measures. My team have avoided a couple of rounds of redundancies in the past, and I have to say I took the threat far worse then than I did recently. I am sure there are some blog entries to be found which reflect how badly I took the threat, and the poor mental state I was in at the time. It is actually quite incredible to look back at those times, and see the differences from then til now. 

This time however it was for real. In the weeks leading up to the announcement, there have been some warning signs, and on the actual day, the activities within the company in the morning indicated all was not well, and that there was bad news on the horizon. So when the email came in to say we were having a team meeting, including a senior, and HR, in the next 30 mins, with the whole team, I think it is fair to say the writing was on the wall. On the lead up to the meeting I was frantically messaging those closest to me saying I thought I was about to get made redundant, while at the same time in my head starting to process the news.

A year ago I would be a shaking, mumbling mess, of that I have no doubt. However as the meeting started, the faces of the managers said it all. No words were needed other than when and how much. However a sombre statement was read out, which detailed the reasoning for the decision, a rough time scale, and that support would be available and further meetings would be had with employees in the coming days and weeks to give individual details. Logging out of the meeting, I was officially aware that I was being made redundant, and obviously told my nearest and dearest immediately. While at the same time the IM's came alive with messages from people in the same boat. 

From that point on, well it has been interesting. Obviously there is still a job to do, so you have to remain professional. But it is hard to avoid the fact you just got canned. There is no bitterness or bad feeling there for me. 24 years service (just missing out on my 25 year pay award, damnit!). I feel I have been treated fairly, paid well (something I will revisit), and having spent the last four years working from home, I honestly don't think I could have asked for more. So I am strangely grateful for the opportunities and the journey.

The rest of the working day was strange, there was a eerie quietness about the place. No one talking much, communications to a minimum, with the occasional random question or statement, but that was about it.

For me, my brain sprang into motion, thankfully at a reasonable speed, and I started processing what this meant for me. Sitting at my expensive home office set up, which I paid for myself, the first thought was "what am I gonna do with this lot". Not a major concern, a past expenditure now (apart from the chair), so something that I am sure will serve a purpose in the future one way or another. Then my mind turned to what comes next...

That is an interesting one for me, and I will go into my thoughts on that on the next entry maybe. However, there are a few points I want to make in this entry beforehand. 
I am more than aware my role has paid pretty well compared to the job market out there, and that the role itself has afforded me some luxuries. The biggest one being free time. Having worked part time for almost the past 15 years now, not starting til midday Monday to Friday. I have had plenty of time to spend with my thoughts, and had the freedom to exercise and escape for a while.

Obviously there is a bit of a reality check about to hit, and I am sure it is going to take some getting used to. Working longer days, maybe weekends, being paid less, and having to try harder to find time for my escapes. Escapes which I am positive have helped put me in the stronger mental health position that I am in today.

Of course, it is not just me in this flotilla of boats. As we all move away from this role, a lot of others are also going through the same processes, some I would hazard a guess, taking the news not quite as well as me, and seeing a dark road ahead right now. To them, I wish them the best, and hope they can take some time to reflect on how exceptional the last however many years have been, and hope they can make the required adjustments to find some light. 

And of course, I have to take a moment to recognise the changes this means to my home life too. No more being at home with the dogs all day, no more cosy home office. Back to seeing the wife in the morning and then again in the evening, depending of course on what path I take next. Lots of uncertainty, but very little worry or concern. With the suggestions of what the redundancy will be, I am confident I will have the time to make some careful decisions on what lays ahead, decide what path to take and what my future is, while being able to pay the bills to keep a roof over our heads in the meantime.  That's the main things covered. 

I will wrap it up there. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts out there, reflect for a moment myself, and check in with myself to see if any feelings I was not aware of surfaced while writing this. I am pleased to report this is NOT the case, and that after writing this, I still feel headstrong and positive. Thank you to those of you who have already reached out with supportive words and reassurances that it will all be OK. 

Watch this space for the next instalment, where I will hopefully spit ball some ideas I have had.
Not how I saw this year going, but got to stick with the positives, like .. I might be able to buy a new bike now...woohoo!

 

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !! 

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always try too hard, hell I don't even try to do the right thing some of the time, but every now and then I find myself in touch with my consciousness, and try and do what is right. 

As the years have passed, I have realised that sometimes that is to my detriment. Putting strain on my mental health and state of mind, for the sale of others. Sometimes the others don't seem to be putting as much heart into it as me, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty, rather than tired and full of a sense of teamwork and achievement. 

I had a great nights sleep last night, woke refreshed and surprisingly free of social burdens. Not bothered by much of what has happened of late, and free to think for myself. The clearest thing that came to me was, "why are you doing this to yourself?". The alarming part was I had no answer. 

Beating myself up week after week, overdoing it, not giving myself enough 'me time', and for what! The reality is, nothing, other than sense of doing the right thing. It's all well and good doing the right thing, trying to be helpful, supportive, productive etc, but if it leaves you in a complete mess, and unable to do the things that actually matter, what's the point! 

I had a lovely bike ride yesterday, something I have not had time for for weeks now, and a good morning run to clear my head this morning. So right now, today, this week is about me! And doing what is right for me. Less hours at work, more time focusing on my health. 

I always find myself getting caught up with a feeling of not doing my fair share at work. Working a shorter contracted day than the rest, when things are tough I like to step up. But then when I get in a mess and remember WHY I chose to do shorter hours, the penny FINALLY drops and I realise what has happened, vow never to do it again, and then next time comes around. 

Well I have caught myself this time, and I ain't going down that damn rabbit hole this time. 

 

Right I am off to stretch, do some mindfulness exercises and spend some time with me. 

Have a great day, and an even better week. 

PS there may be trouble ahead...... Lol

Right now I can feel this huge cloud of negativity hanging over me. The other day I said about the differences between depression and tiredness. Today I will take it one step further and reflect on how tiredness can lead to lots of negative thoughts.

The past week has been a testing one for sure. As the week has drawn on, and the tiredness increased, so has the frustration and negativity. It is all part of the same thing, and easy from afar to see what is happening, but each time something even mildly bad (fed up of saying negative already!) happens, so the tension builds even more. 

To add to this, the restraints of looking after the new pup also mean that going out on the bike or for long walks is not so easy right now. My escape route is blocked so to speak. My usual dash for freedom and reset is blocked. Now I am not saying it is Freyjas fault, nor impossible to get out there. There is a second thing blocking my path, weather! 

Obviously this time of year the weather turns quite fast, and with it goes the mood, so getting on the bike and going for a ride is more faff. More layers, deeper clean of the bike after a ride, not to mention a little less freedom in where I go and what I go. Taking pictures is a bit harder with full fingered gloves on. Am I getting any pity yet? No! OK I will carry on lol.

Looking out of the kitchen window as I write this, at 8.30am on a chilly November morning, I can see the outside calling to me, and I do plan to go out there, but I am just watching the outside temp and hoping it climbs quickly so I can escape for a bit. Although deep inside I know it will barely be in double figures today, so not quite sure what I am hoping for here.

Then there is weight... Something that silently creeps up on me and quickly destroys my self confidence, and drive to train more. It is a vicious circle, get an injury, gain weight, lose fitness, feel unable to train as hard as I would like. Eat crap, gain more weight, try to train, get an injury... repeat! In the past few months I have gained about 20lb, can feel it in every way possible, from breathing to fitting of clothes, and desperately want to get back on the right train, but this cloud...

Yup, that damn cloud of negativity hanging over me. Creating doubt, stirring anxious thoughts, doing all it can to keep me in a slump. Stuck in the mindset that home under the duvet is safe and warm, lets just stay here. But truth of the matter is, I don't want to do that, I enjoy being active, I enjoy riding, and running, and most of all I like being healthy and not a fat blob on the sofa pretending the world is a better place if I stay put.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I said the other day, I am not depressed, more self suppressed. This is all my own doing, and all within my control to change it. I am not hating on myself, just recognising an unhealthy behaviour in myself, with the desire to change it. And change it I will... Soon!
I am a strong believer in doing things at the right time. Committing to a new routine when your mind is not in the game is a recipe for failure. Choosing the right time and way to start something new, or make a big change to routine, especially if you depend on routine to get through each day, is imperative.

The next few weeks will see lots of changes. Freyja will be fully jabbed so can start to go out for walks, mealtimes will change a little allowing for more flexibility for me and my daily routine. Being able to walk all the dogs (one at a time) each morning or evening will give me something more to do, and encourage more activity for me. Not to mention that the more freedom will allow bike rides to resume. 

I think the big one to me at the moment is getting running again. I know it has a positive impact on my weight, and mental well-being, and is a quick way to burn off some excess energy, and blow some of that cloud from over my head. Just got to hope my left leg plays ball, and lets me get a few miles in each time. Just to rebuild the self confidence.

Right, enough rambling, time to get ready to go out on the bike, and shake some of the negative shit from the past few days away. 

Thanks for reading. As ever I feel better just for getting this out of my head, but there is more to come, you have been warned!

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.