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Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

For the past couple of months, as you may know, I have been reducing the dose of my meds. Sertraline, an SSRI, basically works by increasing serotonin levels. It had been a long time for me since I was last on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, but last summer, with everything going on at work, I needed some help. That came in the form of meds and counselling.

SInce the final decision was made regarding my WFH status etc, I have definitely been in a better place mentally. Over the past few months I have felt a good positive change in my moods, and ability to function in general. These changes are aside from how I already felt being on the meds. Having used SSRI's previously it has always been important to me to document and be consciously aware of how I feel, and any changes. This helps in the decision making process for weaning myself back off the meds when the time is right.

After the WFH decision was made, I started making note of the meds and moods, and after a few weeks started to reduce the dose. I have not been on a high dose at any point this time around, so things were slightly less critical for me. 
I would like to say this was done with the guidance of the GP, but that is not the case for a number of reasons. Primarily I wanted to feel in control of things. If I don't change the prescription dose, I will always have sufficient meds to increase again. Whereas if I do it with the GP, the prescription will change, and if I wobble and feel the need to increase, I would need to speak to the GP again, and getting an appointment would just add stress, making the whole situation feel worse, and defeat the object. 
Anyway, I have retained the normal prescription for now, and slowly lowered the dose. A few weeks at a time on each dose, until I reached this week. 

Now I am at the point where the dose is so low that I can either stop completely, or do one day on one day off so to speak, as the final step. In reality, with the dose this low, it is really only a mental exercise, and any effects would likely be psychosomatic anyway. But nonetheless, it's all about the process and feeling you have done the right thing. The half life of the drug is 24-32 hours, so by doing one on, one off, the levels will remain present, with no sudden drop off for the off day.

Obviously as will all things like this, timing is key. The timing for me on one hand is perfect, and on the other hand, depending how you look at it, couldn't be worse.
Almost a week post surgery, off work for a week. Three weeks out from a long planned trip to Florida, and four weeks out from getting married. So as the timing goes, if I alternate this week and next, I will be off meds with a week to go to Florida. Again, two weeks in the sun, away from everything, relax, and unwind. But at the same time quite full on with travel too. Not that a micro dose that I am on would change much about that anyway.

I would of course take the meds with me, although they take a few weeks to kick in properly, at least I would have them if I needed to restart the course.

While writing this (as usually happens) I have had the conversations with myself that I needed to, and pretty much come to a decision, but I am always interested in other peoples opinions and experiences, so feel free to share either. 

What do you think?

So I have just finished watching the Second Chance Podcast interview with Tom Gaymor on YouTube (link below) and can honestly say I am experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions, it's quite strange. It is always amazing to hear other peoples stories in depth, especially when you already have preconceived ideas about them. In Tom's case, I am a long time follower on Twitter, and find a lot of what he says and stands for very relatable. However, on listening to the podcast, my eyes are now open wide with enlightenment and amazement. Life is not a competition, not for a second, however some of the battles Tom has faced put my own into perspective. I am sure Tom would say the same about many other people himself. No two lives are the same, so it is wrong to try and compare, but sometimes you can't help yourself. 

Link to the Podcast here. 
Second Chance, Tom Gaymor

The first part is about Tom's early days in motorsport, an environment which I imagine is character building, and by his own admission sets a high bar for the other parts of life.  Following an accident, Tom begins to struggle with his mental health. Finding things he once considered normal, to know be terrifying challenges. Even the most mundane of situations now creating chaos in his life. I won't go into too much detail, as I would definitely recommend giving it a watch or a listen, but let's just say it is at this point things became very relatable for me. 

Control. This is a word that comes up a lot in the interview, and during my recent CBT I realised played a big role in my day to day life too. To be clear, control in the sense of routine, known outcomes, and forward planning, rather than being a controlling personality who wants everything done their way. 
I think "control" is a good summary of my requirements of situations. I don't like surprises, I like normal.

As I watched I was writing paragraph after paragraph in my head in response to it all, yet as I sit here writing this my head is empty. Usually for me, my thought process is very repetitive, unable to shake a thought or an idea until I do something with it. Either speak to someone or write it down. But for some strange reason, the conversations I was having internally as I watched, seem to have washed away. Almost as if I was speaking with Tom as part of the interview. I don't know, it's a hard one to explain.

I think the most profound part for me was to hear how immediately debilitating the anxiety was. From the instant it took a hold, normal life becomes a thing of the past, and everything you once took for granted disappears in a flash. Everything feels new, scary, and such a big challenge to overcome. Everyone is different, and we will all struggle with different things. I have no idea what part of the brain decides what will suddenly become problematic, but the common theme seems to be social environment. I have never been particularly social or engaging, in Tom's case he was, however we were both somehow left with a feeling of discomfort around people. Regardless of if you are social or more introvert, not being able to mingle with society for even the most simple of things is crippling. The natural instinct is to hide away from it, to avoid it, but in reality this just makes things worse. 

The feeling of not fitting in, isolation or just feeling frantic about what used to be normal should be the alarm bell to get some help and guidance with things, however humans are pretty good at adapting to changes in life. It is not always for the best, but we do it anyway. Once we adapt, we just carry on as normal. And for some this is where the problem can start, not dealing with the underlaying issues can have catastrophic consequences in the long term. For me it was probably a few years before I did anything about my issues. I had just grown familiar with avoidance, and my greatest trick, masking. Masking or acting as Tom put it, is a great defence, building a character front that can appear to be fine. Happy, chatty, engaging, and all the things the world wants you to be. However as soon as you remove yourself from the situation, the exhaustion sets in, and the anxious mind takes over. 

Unable to switch off from all the thoughts going through your mind. Playing situations over and over again. All in the past, but IF ONLY you had said something else. No matter how many times you remind yourself that the past is the past and you cannot change anything, it makes no difference. 
Or on the flip side, preparing for something that has been planned in advance. Catastrophizing it long before it has happened. Thinking through scenarios, how things might (or might not) play out. Before you even get there you have lived the whole event a hundred times, and are ready to go home. 

I was writing notes as the interview went on, highlighting some of the above points that had been discussed, to remind me to include them, when out of the blue Tom mentions writing notes in the same sort of way. OK now it really is getting freakishly relatable. Looking at said notes, it brings me onto the next one I have written down, and the final part I wanted to address. Telling someone. 

The first time you connect with someone in the right way, and are able to tell them what you are going through. Your struggles, and how it makes you feel about yourself and sometimes about others. It is such a moment of empowerment, and in some cases it can happen more than once. Depending who you surround yourself with, there will be certain elements which are more relatable, and therefore easier to be open about with different people. I am lucky to have a tight circle of friends, a great support network, and I am proud to say it works both ways. I think that has probably been one of the most important parts of it. 

Talking about things should be a dialogue, not a monologue. If you just talk, there is no structure, it becomes a wild ramble (a bit like my blogs at times), and can just be a little empty. Being able to relate to the person you are talking to, even if from a totally different walk of life is key. That is my finding anyway. Having spoken to a number of professionals from counsellors to CBT therapists, if you don't connect, it feels pointless, and becomes a bit of a chore. I have had times where I have had more benefit from a coffee with a friend, than a few sessions with a "professional". I don't mean any offence when I say it like that, but it is true. I am sure other people connect better with some of the pros I have spoken to than I did. But if its the wrong person, it is counterproductive and can actually make matters worse.

For quite a few years I worked with the Royal College of General Practitioners in London, as an expert patient. The idea was to work with medical students, and do role play scenarios. They would do a consultation, and I as the patient would present myself in a way similar to how I would to my GP. They would then diagnose and offer treatment or advice. The one thing I always tried to drive home in the debriefs after each consultation was engagement. Taking the time to connect and engage with the patient. Try and form trust, and help the person feel they were being listened to, understood, and most of all were not alone. For some people the GP or therapist may be the only person they will ever try to speak to about their feelings, and the outcome can be tragic in some cases. 

It is all very well saying "talk to someone", but when the reply is "chin up" or "you'll get over it", it is pointless. The same way it can be pointless telling people they should ask how you are twice, once "how are you" and then the "and now how are you really". You will only get asked for help if you are the right person, one they feel comfortable talking to.

It's a fickle thing the mind, and it works in the most mysterious of ways, but one thing anyone who has ever had any sort of battle with anxiety would agree on is you have to want help, before you can start to get back on track. 

I will always share my thoughts and experiences, just in the hope that there may be that one person out there who it resonates with, and they can feel less isolated, know they are not the only one who struggles from time to time, and that there is hope. Your new normal may not be the same as what you are used to, but as long as it makes you comfortable within yourself, and content with every day, you are winning. 

Right, I am rambling now, so that's me done with this rushed entry.
Thanks again Tom for being one of those people willing to peel back the layers, and share his experiences. It is really heart warming to see and hear.
Honorary mention to Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and their Parenting Hell podcast, which over the past 12 months or so has really explored mental health and anxiety. I would love it if there was a spin off where mental health was discussed even more. Experiences of the well known, but relatable makes a world of difference. 

Sitting here this morning, raining outside, got plans later this afternoon, and I am having an internal debate. Do I jump on the trainer for a bit and have a quick Zwift session, or do I take it easy this morning and enjoy my afternoon. I can always go for a ride or have a Zwift tomorrow... Right?

Then the thoughts and questions start. Am I just having a chilled morning, am I being lazy, or do I have a low mood today? If you apply the same to say running, and asthma. As an asthmatic I am familiar with being seriously short of breath and struggling to breathe. However I am also familiar with pushing hard and feeling a shortness of breath which is simply from over exertion. They are not the same, but having a history with asthma creates a moment of worry about what it is. Does that make sense?

When you have a condition, and are regularly affected by it, any sign of symptoms immediately starts an internal conversation about what could be wrong. So today, rather than just saying "I can't be bothered" and brushing it aside, I then have to worry about why I can't be bothered. Then you start to see other signs which may or may not be there, then the anxiety really kicks in and you are now spiralling.. Over a simple decision.

Fixating on what will come next, is this the start of an episode, how bad will it be, what can I do to stop it... That's it... STOP! Take a breath, step back and look at everything one piece at a time. You have worked hard this week, you are a little bit sore still, you want to enjoy your afternoon with your friend. Its fine, you are fine, you are just being sensible and letting yourself rest, and have some downtime. It's the weekend, it's what it's for.

Welcome to the mindset of an anxious person who also deals with depression. Nothing is simple, nothing is straight forward and thought free. Everything you do is filled with continuous internal dialogue, so the easiest thing to do is nothing. No people, no activities, just NO!

Aaah, that's better. Get the thoughts out of your head, slow the frantic thought process down by writing it down. Hearing it as you say or write it, finding the weaknesses in the argument, and seeing the rational viewpoint. Calming down, breathing easier, heart rate slowing, feeling at peace again.

Having these blogs, written in the moment, gives me the ability to look back at similar thoughts and moments, see how they break down, and what the outcomes are. Be able to see it worked out OK, even when I did take the lazy approach for example. Sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself, just the other you. The calm you, the sensible you, and not the version that catastrophes the simplest of things.

I will leave it there, but hope you enjoyed a simple five minutes in my mind.

As of 8.15 this morning, I officially work from home.... Permanently! With the exception of infrequent meetings at the office, or location based training.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11.30 this morning with HR and my manager already, so was expecting news today at some point. However last night on checking my work email I saw a late email from HR saying they were trying to call me. I emailed an up to date mobile number to them in case they wanted to call then.

This morning I checked my phone and had missed a call from HR. The dread started immediately, and the playing of conversations in my head spun up to speed. Checking my email I saw one from HR saying my manager was off sick, and that HR would try to call me.

The first way my mind played this out was to think that the meeting would be postponed and the decision would not be revealed until all parties were on the call. This is my mind of doom we are talking about here.

Not giving my mind time to run away any further, I called HR back. She said that my manager was off sick at the moment and they had decided to postpone the meeting until he was back in the business.. The voices were loud... "I KNEW IT!" However she went on to add that she did have news and wanted to let me know that I would be working from home, permanently from here on in.

A meeting is still needed to formalise all of this and sort out the finer details. Notice for meeting at location etc. Not to mention any provision the company might make for my arrangement. So I still have a few hoops to jump through, but the main flaming one is done.

I guess at this point I am meant to feel some sort of emotion, however I feel nothing much right now, with exception of course to feeling like my anxiety has packed up and gone away. Most of it anyway. It is a relief, a weight has certainly been lifted, but there is no joy, exhilaration, or anything like that. Not yet anyway.

Now hopefully I can focus more on my own well-being.

Phew, that's better.

Thank you to everyone who has played a role in this. From advice, to counselling, general support, and of course for those in the business for getting everything done. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but now we are here I can see that every action has its part to play.

I have just penned a draft of a letter to work, making a formal complaint about the way matters relating to my mental health are being handled, and as I read back through it I realised something.

While I was writing it I was trying to find the right words to express my feelings on the matter. Words that carried the right weight, and conveyed the right message. However on reading it back, I could feel the emotion of each word bubbling away inside of me. I was not crafting a strongly worded letter, I was saying how I was feeling.

On the realisation of that, I did a quick assessment of how I am feeling right now, and discovered that I am actually nowhere near as OK as I am trying to show I am. On the surface all is well, the mask is in place, the stuff upper lip holding firm. But below the surface, I can feel myself shrinking away. Becoming more and more affected by being ignored, feeling worthless, and losing all my motivation and energy.

Sure the weather isn't helping much, and not being able to get out and blow off some steam isn't ideal, but as a whole, I feel mentally drained. Something that even shows in my Garmin metrics. Sleep poor, body battery poor, resting HR elevated, stress higher than normal. And all because I can't get my HR to take my seriously and deal with my situation once and for all.

When you think mental health, you should also think urgency. When a situation becomes so dire that the person waiting on a decision needs to start taking medication, alarm bells should start to ring. Once all the facts and reports are in place, it becomes a mere formality to tick some boxes, and make a decision. Such a decision should take a matter of weeks of all parties are available to discuss.

Once that matter spills over into months it becomes out of control, and is either misunderstood, or beyond the remit of the person charged with the responsibility of the decision. That, or a matter of laziness and ignorance to mental health.

When this carries on to a point where it has been almost EIGHT MONTHS since all the details were in place, it becomes something far more serious. Either a calculated attempt to brush the matter aside and hope it goes away. Ignorance is bliss, they will go away if I ignore them long enough. ORa display of complete inability to deal with the matter. Either way it is a complete and utter failure internally by a department to deal with a mental health matter with the urgency and compassion required.

If you are the person on the receiving end of this treatment, depending on the fragility of your state of mind, this could be utterly devastating. For a very vulnerable person to feel ignored, belittled and worthless, this could literally be a matter of life of death. The decision you are waiting on could shape your whole future, will you have a job, can you pay your rent, can you afford to live..... Do you want to live?

Thankfully I am not of the mindset to end my life. However, sadly there have been cases in recent years where colleagues have done just this. Not I might add because of direct failings of HR, but none the less we have had the completely mentally vulnerable working with us, so who is to tell who that next person is, or what will be the straw that pushes them too far?

I am now left gathering myself up, and trying to find some get up and go before I spiral further down into depression and a feeling of self loathing. A feeling I am all to familiar with. This time of year usually sees me flourishing, instead I am curling up, and not even wanting to get out of bed. Hopefully I will hear something soon, but I am growing tired and impatient now, and quite frankly becoming disappointed with myself for being so understanding and patient.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does.