I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.
Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you.
For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too.
Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it. For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.
Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about.
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.
Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works.
Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.
For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.