Skip to content

Tag: mental health

Published on Leave a comment on It’s me, hi, I’m the problem..

...or not as the case may be!

Excuse the Taylor Swift opening, but I happen to frickin love that song, and it nudged me into writing this entry, and of course the thought process that got me to this point. 

Anyone one who has read my blogs for the past few years will have seen that I put a lot of the fault and blame for the way I am, and the way I have felt for a while, at my own feet. It's true to say that for a long time I have been dealing with the fact that I have become some sort of anti-social, people hating monster. The latter may still be true to be honest, as I do have an aversion for irritating people, especially the overly entitled. But that is another blog all together. 

Let's get back to the point of this one for now, and take a look at what has been going on in my life. 
For quite some time I have felt that I was not cut out for working in teams, being around lots of people and anything else that removed me from my self created cocoon of safety and sanctitude. All the signs seemed to be there, low mood, anxiety, and small panic attacks at the thought of being around people again.

Let me skip forward for a moment here, into the current day. For the past few weeks I have been introduced to dozens of new people, in a totally new environment, and exposed to all sorts of information and learning methods that would have had the 2023 me running for the hills. Based on the past four or five years I would have written that off as impossible, and immediately sought counselling at the mere suggestion of it. Yet here I am, loving it! So what has happened. Did I get something wrong, have I changed, what's the story.

Only one thing to do, break it down and take a look, so here goes.
First and foremost, people! It's not people, it's THE people! Huh? Well yeah, it's just that. It turns out that it isn't all people, just some people. Given the opportunity to be around like-minded people, who share a common interest, but have different mannerisms and behaviours, I am actually fine with that. All there for the same purpose, no-one better than the other, and all at least on the same chapter, if not the same page.

Looking back many years, say to when I was working in Sainsburys, I can recall a sense of camaraderie, enjoying being there, feeling part of a well oiled machine, and being able to kick into overdrive when the need arose. All would pull together, with the same goal in mind, and by jove we always came out on top. At some point towards the end of that period my daughter was born, I changed jobs, lost contact with my daughter, and turned into someone else. 

To this day I can honestly say a period of about six years is a complete blur to me. During the time I was an ops manager at a security company I went through a lot of change, and became someone I was not sure I liked. Slowly slipping into a rut. I can't really say much more about that time as I don't remember too much. Working too much, not being social enough, spending a lot of time in the gym believing a better me, meant a physical transformation. OK I got in good shape, but inside I was a mess. At no point around that time, or the few years that came after can I say I realised this was the case. It is only retrospectively I can see how much things changed, and as I try to recall to write this, as usual things are a little clearer. 

Things changed, probably for the worse, around the time I went to work for Fedex. Now I am not saying I didn't like working there, especially for the first decade. I made some good friends, and lost a few along the way, both death and dislike. However the new job meant a new car, and the new car along with the rise of the WWW meant a new me. Suddenly I was thrust into the new online car scene. Able to reinvent myself for the world stage. Michael became Snazy, and so it begun!

The next few years were a blast, meeting people, having all sorts of encounters, becoming a very minor personality, which of course came with perks you might say. No disrespect intended. Working with magazines and a few TV production crews, becoming a popular name on the modified car scene, and feeling like I finally had a place, I had found my people. Or had I?

I have written about this before but will quickly recap, being known as a personality, of which people have beliefs and expectations is exhausting. Worse still it is soul destroying when you realise that no-one knows who you actually are. You are just a character to them, and one who can give them things they want. Nothing more. Realising after two or three years that no one even knows what your real name is, not even your first name can really be a painful reality check. 

At the same time I was trying to form relationships, and connect, be human, and have a love life rather than just a social life. Bumpy relationships, brief encounters, etc can really start a wobble going, and one that it seems can take quite a long time to recover from.  So by 2004 I was Snazy the showman, but Michael the empty vessel. In the infancy of a new relationship, but one that turned out was really just a convenient companionship more than anything else. 

Skip forward a decade or so, and after a few bouts of depression and anxiety, quite a few years on meds, and some soul searching, I was finally starting to make progress. Kinda! The companionship ended, I was back to being very much my own person. Having lost my mother a few years before, I was now pretty much alone. With the exception of a few amazing friends. The next year or so I dabbled in life, all the while working into my second decade working for Fedex, in the same role, with the same people, and the same unhealthy working environment.

In 2016 I met Ann, my now wife, but shortly after meeting her and getting together I went through another bout of depression due to other factors going on around me. Thankfully that was quite short lived, and I started to get back on my feet. But there was something wrong, I was not who I was before, no familiar version of myself was to be found. This is not something I was openly aware of at the time, however in the coming years it became apparent. Especially after some deep thinking and mindfulness. 

We now reach 2020, and we know what happens next, especially if you have read my blogs since that time. Oh and of course, the C word! NOT that one, Covid!!
Working from home was the beginning of the rediscovery of myself. Having documented the three or four years that followed on from the initial WFH home order that Boris gave, there are signs all along the way, but none of them really signposted the destination I currently find myself at. 

Being away from the office, the people I had been stuck in an office with for so many years opened my eyes. Working on my own felt so good, and the restrictions of Covid meant that places were emptier, interactions were limited, and seeing only the creme-de-la creme of friends was perfection personified. THIS was who I was, THIS was a good life for me. 
By mid 2021 there was talk about returning to the office, people arrgh, no! I spiralled and fled to the doctors, feeling that familiar feeling of anxiety and dread. Meds, CBT, company doctor, appeals to HR, anything I could do to avoid the inevitable. And thankfully, eventually, I was told I never needed to work from the office again. As I sit here at my WFH desk writing this entry, I remember the sense of empowerment and happiness I was filled with at this news. 

From that point on I seemed to find a new me, which contradicted everything I thought I knew about myself. Catching up with people I had not seen in 15 years, going to concerts rammed to the rafters, putting myself in situations I had sworn I would never do again. I can thank Ann for that, helping my challenge my demons, and push my limits more than I would alone. I still didn't like places crammed with people, and was not a fan of public transport (but who is?), however I was able to be a bit more human.

At the end of 2023 rumours started that my efforts to WFH forever more were all in vain.. We were being made redundant! Jan 2024 confirmed this, and all of a sudden my world felt like it was being upended again. But this is where it gets strange. 

Somewhere inside of me there was a realisation that this was the first time since 2000 that I had a chance to reinvent myself again, or should I say, finally come out from behind the mask of Snazy, and start being my authentic self again. But what about my anxiety of people, how would I cope meeting new people and working in a new role in a new environment. Was this all going to be too much for me. Especially seeing as from 2020 to 2023 I was convinced I finally knew what I needed to be happy.

Well.... no!
It turns out that it would all be fine. As we approach the current day in this story, I think it is only fair to look at the last six months. Applying for jobs I thought I might like, going through a few interviews and realising how much the employment world had changed, and coming to the realisation that at some point I was going to have to settle in somewhere new, and start over. Eventually I found myself applying for the role I am now in. Bizarrely I felt confident and outgoing throughout the process. There were of course moments of doubt which I shared in earlier blogs, but in general when crunch time came, there were no nerves, just a "go get 'em" feeling inside of me. Which seems to have paid off. 

From day one, I was able to be authentic, myself, and project confidence that I honestly thought I had lost in my twenties around the time I lost contact with Sian. But nope, there it was, like it was yesterday.

I have spent the past few weeks wondering when the bubble would burst, when I would start to feel like the more recent version of myself again, and if the walls would come tumbling down. But it appears I was not giving myself enough credit. It seems that I AM me, this IS me, and I DO feel empowered and determined to not only be my authentic self, but also be the best version of that I have ever been.

Getting to know new people has been amazing, bonds have started to form, my mask of self protection has been left in the locker room, and no defensive walls are being built up. I feel I could actually make a new friend or two here, and for anyone who knows me, the word "friend" is a very powerful and important one to me, so lets see how that goes. 

Last week we had a checkpoint test to see how we were doing, next week we are split up from our training group and thrown into the real world of how the organisation really works. Once again meeting new people and forming new bonds, trusting people to guide me the right way, and even turning my body clock on its head as I work through some different shift patterns. I have two weeks of this before returning to my group and continuing with the classroom training, and again changing my working hours. 

You know the crazy bit? I love it, and can't wait to get stuck in to some discomfort, a hint of panic, maybe a spot of imposter syndrome for a moment. Who knows, but that is the exciting part, the unknown!

Wow I have rambled on for a long time here, but it has flowed out of me so nicely, so I just wanted to summarise what I have learned whilst writing this.

It's not people, it's THE people. Yup I said it earlier and will say it again. It turns out I just didn't really get on with the people I worked with, in the environment I was working in. Who knew it! Well, me secretly I guess, but other than moan about them to others, I did nothing about it. Nor did the company. Instead the group had festered for too long, and the situation had become untenable. In reality, I don't think it was too obvious to anyone, and was just a result of circumstances. 
Circumstances that would be changed with a strange twist of fate, by being made redundant. Who know the universe was SO calculated! So it turns out I wasn't a total fuck up all long. Just had some wobbles along the way, and dealt a few crap hands. 

I am more than aware that most reading this have glazed over while reading, and skipped huge swathes of the blog. But that is OK, as this is simply my record of a moment of clarity I have felt, being shared with the world to read. 

Here's to the future, to new people, making a difference, feeling like I am part of something, and maybe, just maybe, that new friendship blossoming. 

Thanks for reading, now go grab a glass of something!

Published on Leave a comment on The difference a week can make!

So about 10 days ago I was saying how things didn't quite feel right and that I was unsettled. Yet just over a week later things could not be further from the case. I could not tell you what has changed to make me feel this way, but I can go through what I have done differently over the past week, and consider if that has made a difference or not. 

The most important thing here though it how I feel, and what I am thinking right now. That is the main reason for this entry, to remind myself how quickly and unexpectedly things can change.

The first thing I want to say is, this is a reminder how quirky mental health can be. Like driving along a really smooth road, and hitting a pot-hole. A sudden upset, things take a while to settle and calm down, but if done correctly there is no lasting damage and you continue on your way. At worst, you need to pause, change the wheel and then get back underway again. As long as you maintain some sense of control. And that is the key. Knowing what to do when you hit that pot-hole.  

Knowing that I am always in control, no matter how uneven the road is makes such a difference, however from time to time I need to remind myself that I have the wheel, and that is what some of the other entries are all about.

A good reminder of this came last week when I spent some time with my niece who has ASD. Being with a likeminded person, regardless of the age gap is a nice opportunity to slow things down, do things in a certain way, and not get caught up in the high speed chase that life is. Talking to her about different situations, to compare notes and see how we both deal with them is refreshing, and also feels nice to offer her a space and an ear of understanding. And at the same time, learn new ways, as well as sharing my experiences, and offering "advice" on how I would deal with certain situations and environments. 

I think that time gave me a moment to reset and reflect, and find my feet again. Reminding myself that different is bad or wrong. Being your own authentic self is the only way to get by in this world. Some people might not understand you and your ways, but at the end of the day trying to be a different person for every group of people or situation is exhausting, and unsustainable. If people don't appreciate you for who you are, then they are a bad fit for your life, and there will be someone else along shortly to take their place who does respect you.

So, the past week, what have I done differently and what has changed.
Well for starters I have applied for some more jobs, and looked into other avenues of interest. I appreciate the help of those who have pointed out some of these opportunities to me.
I thought that rather than fixating on a handful of jobs I have gone for, regardless of the fact that I have since received offers, I would look at other options while I am still working. Part of this is just due to a little new found confidence in applying for jobs. Not shying away from the pre interview assessments that some do. Just getting stuck in, and giving it a shot, without any over thinking. 

At the end of the day there are go-to options for me already, so it isn't a matter of life or death. Not that it ever was of course, there would always be something. Instead I saw it as an opportunity to stretch my legs a bit and consider some other roles, and just see what comes of them. Nothing like options now is there. Not for one second suggesting I will be flooded with offers haha. So there are two new  applications in the pipeline, assessments done, and just waiting to hear back. And a third temp job that can be done adhoc if and when I need some extra cash (for bikes).

Also after a long time pondering, I have finally jumped back on the healthier lifestyle wagon. Last week I signed up to a Zwift training plan, and got stuck straight in, and this week I have started a Garmin running plan too. Bother are about 12 weeks long, and hopefully I will be able to manage them both without killing myself. Neither is particularly taxing, so fingers crossed I stay injury free and energised. The main idea of the plans is to keep myself accountable, so I have a schedule to work to, rather than winging it, and it all becoming a bit hit and miss. 

This week I started a healthier eating plan too, to try and drop those extra pounds, and get back to a happier place physically. Losing some weight will help loads with running and cycling both mentally and physically. Looking back over the last five years I can see how my running pace has fluctuated, usually with my weight. But unfortunately since its last dip there has been no noticeable recovery, so I am keen to change that, if I can! Age will be part of it too, I can't forget that. So far this week I have reduced my food intake considerably, but not so much that it has impacted my fitness activities. I actually felt more able to run at a faster pace today than I have in a while. 

Cereal for breakfast, lots of fluids during the day, a Protein Works shake for lunch (they are actually yummy), and a small dinner earlier than usual in the evenings. At the moment I am being lazy and using ready meals for dinner. Small cheap ones, with a side of veg to bulk it out a bit. Thank you to my clever wife for suggesting this, it makes a massive difference to feeling fed or not. Eventually I will do meal prep for these meals and others, but for now it is a nice lazy way to get measured meals, count calories, and get my body and mind used to the routine and intake levels. Portion control is a massive thing for me, so this sets a standard. 

Mindfulness is the next thing. When I wrote my last entry I checked the dates I had started to feel a little crappy upstairs, and looked at my mindfulness log, and to my surprise they almost aligned. And by that I mean, I stopped doing it very much for a few weeks, and at the same time started to feel crappy about myself. Not solid proof I know, but I definitely notice a difference when I don't take any time out for myself during a day. 10 mins a day really can make all the difference. Needless to say I am back listening to the Daily Jay, and spending some time with my thoughts every day again. Same with the Daylio mood diary, taking a moment every evening to consider my day and reflect on it, makes things feel addressed and completed. 

From good mindfulness comes good sleep. And the past couple of weeks have been good sleep. Again this is also down to the change in routine. Earing earlier in the evening, easing off the caffeine, plenty of fluids throughout the day, and getting to bed earlier. The last one is probably the most important, followed closely by the change in meal times. But it has been wonderful. The other night I recorded eight hours of sleep, woke once, and no pee breaks. Talk about waking refreshed. It is bizarre going to sleep, then waking and looking at the clock and seeing 5am, and realising you have slept for 6 hours straight. I am used to waking hourly then fighting to get back to sleep. 

Again, just like recognising my highs and lows of mood, when I get sleep patterns like this, I can reassure myself that it IS possible, and I am not a total screw-up. I am sure I have mentioned before that while broken sleep is the norm for me, it has not always been the way, so having these good nights of sleep feels amazing, and is definitely something I want to try and maintain. 

Important note to self at this point. Being in good physical shape is not a guarantee of feeling great mentally, however from experience, the activities and behaviours used to establish good physical health, certainly contribute to better mental health. Getting out of the house, getting the heart rate up, and most importantly learning when to push and when to take it easy all helps. Of course if the mental side of things wavers, then the knowing when to ease off goes out of the window, and we find ourselves pushing ourselves harder and harder to try and find that feeling again. Like a drug addiction, needing more to get that fix you so badly need. Self destruction is a real thing, I have been down that road before. 

So, looking back up there I have rambled on quite a bit, so will start to wrap things up.
In short, I am feeling much better than I was two weeks ago. Positive mindset, feel I have a direction to head in. I am definitely at one with myself right now, and am focusing on the things I have some control over, and trying to let other things work themselves out. Whatever the outcome of the job applications, so be it. Maybe I will get another offer, maybe it will be another no, I have very little influence over that. 

The things I can have some more control over are my food intake, my exercise and activity levels, and of course trying to look after that grey matter too. A few minutes a day spent on any of the above is bound to have a positive impact on my well-being, so why not invest a few minutes I would have been eating or wallowing in my own self doubt, and build myself up a little. 

If you have read all of this, thank you, I appreciate your time and allowing me a few moments to ramble on in search of finding a balance for myself, and hopefully offering others some of my wisdom and experience.

The sun is finally back, so here's to a happy a positive summer for all. 

Oh, sorry, one more thing before you go. 
Physical image!
As someone who cycles I have grown to feel comfortable in close fitting clothes. I am sure some look as I run or cycle past and giggle or sneer, but ultimately I really don't care about other peoples opinions. If its from a sedentary judgemental person watching from their car, they can sod off. At least I am doing something. 
If it is from a fellow (I use the word lightly) runner or cyclist, who feels the need to judge, then I say, I am probably working harder than you. With my age and weight it's not as easy as it once was, so if you have the time to look and judge, maybe YOU should be trying harder, rather than judging others. 

Of course, it might be from me, catching a glimpse of myself in a shop window or a mirror as I leave home. To me I say, don't like what you see? Then do something about it, you did this to you, you can undo it too. So stay strong and keep pushing. 
One day the power I put out will have a much lighter weight to propel, then maybe I will become that judgemental arsehole instead lol. 

PS, just for clarity, no one has said anything or made me feel judged. I do that all by myself!

Published on Leave a comment on Things ain’t right!

I know, I know, I said it before, but I just wanted to get things straight in my head.

Since the last entry I have had a week off work, got lots of odd jobs done, achieved a few things, thought a lot, seen friends, been out a couple of times, went to see Michael McIntyre and so on. Plenty of me time is the main thing there. 
Sadly I have also spent a lot of money that I don't have yet in order to get those jobs I mentioned done. I have had a few nice bike rides too, and spent time walking the dogs. 

But with all that said and done, I don't feel right. 
Last night was a prime example, but before I get to that, let me do a quick pupdate.
House training is finally getting there, habits are starting to form, and her true personality is starting to shine through. Much as I had hoped (like my others) she loves being solitary, will take herself off up the hallway, or into the bed in the corner of the living room. She has even taken to sleeping outside at night for a few hours at a time now too. Unfortunately Kallik likes sleeping outside too, and her being out there annoys him slightly, which he vocalises. Sadly that is not ideal at 1am.  It is not her being there that bothers him, but more when she gets ants in her pants and starts wandering around the garden. Work in progress there then, but definitely progress. 

Ironically, for a dog that likes to be on her own, it seems she is a little attached to me. Even when Ann is in she can get vocal if I go out. That said we were out for 3 hours the other day, and not so much as a whisper. It is very sporadic, occasionally we go out and nothing. Sometimes a little moan then nothing. Sometimes nothing then a moan, then nothing, and every now and then she is vocal for the majority of the time we are out. Boredom more than separation anxiety I would say, but can't quite put my finger on the trigger.  Strange!

Anyway, back to me, last night...
Over the past couple of nights there have been a couple of foxes in nearby gardens being very noisy, its that time of year and all. Anyway, Kallik is a big fan of foxes and likes to introduce himself. When he knows they are around he gets very unsettled.
Deciding on an early night last night, I climbed into bed and within minutes the foxes started, Kallik who was in the back garden started and a nightmare begun. I brought him in, but instead of settling he whined to go back out, which wound the others up too.  Nothing I have not been through before, and as irritating as it is, you get by. 

However, last night I could not settle. I think I was more unsettled than the dogs were. Aware of my heart pounding, and still full of food from a big dinner I felt thoroughly unsettled and borderline unwell. Mistaking being bloated for pressure in the chest and so on, I spiralled for the first time in a long time. It was not til about 2am I got back into feeling OK again, and settled enough to get a few hours sleep. On the plus side of all this, Freyja managed almost 8 hours without going out into the garden for a wee, and the house stayed dry, so small mercies and all that. 

The issue lays with the four hours I had to myself, to mentally beat myself up, and over think for the first time in a while. It is amazing what you can come up with left in the company of a mad-man aka your own mind. The bloated feeling got me thinking about health and weight, the over thinking part of it got me concerned about my mental state.

Starting with physical fitness and health. For my age I guess I am doing OK. More active than a large percentage in my age group, good resting heart rate, athleticism isn't too shabby. So they are the positives. The negatives... I eat too much junk food, I am over weight, my BP is higher than normal, and I am cheating myself by not being lighter and faster. Looking back at historic numbers I am heavy and slow now. Where as before I was quite heavy and quite quick lol. Age plays a part, state of mind doesn't help and I will come to that. But ultimately I need to shift some weight. Pretty sure I have said that a lot recently, but I just CANNOT find the motivation to stay on the wagon. I have lost some, but then I lost the enthusiasm. If weight were enthusiasm, I would be 8 stone now!

Then there is the mind, which really is not playing ball right now. I know I have said a few times now that I am doing OK in the face of such big changes, however I am left wondering if I am just putting on a brave face, and am actually struggling. Or maybe that is just me not giving myself enough credit for handling something well. 
I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. In general I feel confident that I will have a job when I am ready. Like I have said, there are offers there, so I can kinda confidently say "I have a job" to go to, just not sure which one yet. In the meantime I continue to look and consider others, occasionally applying.  So it is fair to say I am not putting a face on in that regard.

Possibly one of the areas I am having a bit of an internal debate is what I actually want to do. Out the gate I said I want to make a difference, help with change in people, feel I have achieved something, and that remains true. However I also want to be happy and mentally healthy too, so there is balance to be found. Having worked part time for 15 years almost, I know going back to full time work will have an impact. Morning rides and runs will not be as easy or frequent anymore. I am OK with that, I think. Well, especially as I have recently not been doing that much, which has not helped with the physical side of things, and weight. 

So, finding a new job.... check. Pretty much a done deal. 
Happiness in job / home..... semi check. I have only gone for roles I feel comfortable with, as diverse as a few of them are. 
Freedom.... That is gonna take a hit if I stick with my top 3 jobs.

That is probably the one hitting me the hardest, but the one point I have avoided thinking about too much until now. But as the clock starts to tick down, it is time to give it some thought. And based on some recent conversations, maybe also time to reconsider my top 3 jobs, and give some others some thought too. Things that offer me a little more freedom to organise my day. I don't think I have gone down the wrong path, I just don't think I have looked at any others hard enough to consider them critically, and be 100% certain on my choices.

There are a multitude of job opportunities that offer me more freedom to plan my day my own way. But the trade off is the job satisfaction, and I am not too sure I want to compromise that. Out of the frying pan springs to mind. 

So what is this, or are these other paths....?
Well the first is re-training. Something along the lines of counselling. Rewarding, feel like I am giving back, and something I have some experience in, and some "transferrable skills" (see I do read all the job application forms!! lol). It would require me to do a college course, and get some qualifications. In the meantime I would need to get a less satisfying part time job to allow the study / income balance. But of all the ideas I have had over many years, this is one I come back to frequently. I could even use that skillset in other roles that appeal to me, so a win win. 

The other is back to basics, driving of some kind. Anything is a consideration, from buses, to lorries, to Uber, whatever. Just something I can just get on an do, while contemplating what comes next for me.

All of the above deserve a little consideration, while waiting on the primary list to sort itself out. Seems patience is truly a virtue when it comes to getting the ball rolling with job offers. Three months since passing all the assessments, and still waiting on a placement. Phew, this is intense. 

Anyway, I am going a bit all over the place here. So to wrap this up, I guess what has come out of my head in this writing session is that I need to be kind to myself, not blinker my views on the road or roads ahead, and appreciate that there is a lot going on right now. My life can be viewed as every aspect being suspended in the air like a mobile for a baby. Hanging from strings, bobbing around but going nowhere at the moment. Just waiting for things to actually move to get an idea of what comes next and what it looks like.

God I needed this time to write. Can't say I have discovered anything ground-breaking, but getting it out of my head and into the ether always feels better. The pressure has been released once again.

Now, back to beating myself up about my weight and appearance. And trying to find that illusive bit of motivation and willpower I need to get things moving again. I always say routine is the key, and it is... Just got to find mine. Maybe the nicer weather will help... And of course putting the cakes down!

As ever, thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Four years of silence!

Aaah the bliss. But sometimes it's a little awkward.

What am I talking about? Sorry, it would make more sense if I explained. I have written about this before, but thought I would touch on it again as a periodic update more than anything. With a couple of little things I have noticed along the way. 
So, my phone has been set to silent (not even vibrate) for almost four years now. Occasionally if I am expecting an important and imminent call I will put the ring volume back on for a short while, but that had been about it. 

Instead I rely on notifications on my watch for a small handful of applications, to let me know if something needs my urgent attention, but other than that, silence! And its bliss!

As a reminder of how life used to be with the phone constantly screaming for my attention like a little child, the other phone I have for work is NOT on silent. It doesn't often get a notification, but when it does OMG it is irritating. Even the most simple of notification sounds is jarring against the silence I am used to. Obviously when I am working it is important that I deal with things in a timely manner, so it is a necessary evil, but also a constant reminder of why I choose not to have my phone notifications turned on the rest of the time.

Having just the bare minimum of notifications gently vibrate my wrist, showing a glimpse of the message, so I can decide whether or not to interact with the message, or just let it wait til later is perfection. Not only while busy driving or out for a meal with a friend, but also while running, cycling, even walking. I can stay in the moment and focused on what I am doing, rather than constantly stopping, checking, responding, and being dragged into the temptation of the other apps on the phone. 

Of course if it is an important notification, such as a call from a close friend I will respond immediately.
The downside of this of course is sometimes I miss a call, maybe I am away from the phone and don't see it ringing, and the watch is out or range too. Or simply because the notification is so subtle, I simply don't see it. Fair to say though, if it is urgent, the person will usually call or message back, and I will see it. 

Like I say, I have been doing things this way for four years now, and I can honestly say for 99.9% of the time it's the best way to be. Just on the odd occasion seeing a missed call, one I would have actually answered, frustrates me a little bit. But the occasional missed call is worth the silence the rest of the time. And to be fair the percentage of calls I answer is minimal anyway, happily letting the majority slip off to voicemail is fine with me. 

For the rest of the time, the silence is bliss, and my mind is able to disconnect from the whole "always online" mentality most of us are cursed with these days. Not to say I don't have my moments, spending far too long scrolling, after getting sucked into social media by a simple notification. 20 mins later wondering what I achieved in that time. The answer to which usually is absolutely nothing other than burning my eyes staring at a world of falseness and fakery. 

Quite often I will go on bike rides for 3-5 hours, feel my watch vibrate, see my Garmin headunit pop up a notification and just ignore it all. That time is MY time, not for being there on demand for responding to the most trivial of messages. Gone are the days I will start a reply "sorry for the late reply", unless of course I genuinely am, and the subject matter commanded a more urgent response. But I am not here for the sole purpose of serving others, being their sounding boards, and muse while they are bored. My life is for me, and to share with who and what I choose, when I so choose to. God I sound grumpy today. 

But it is true. Everything is on demand these days, including friends so it seems. There when they want you to be, but without the sentiment being reciprocated. Here when I want you, absent when you want. Well, quite frankly, fuck that!

I am always there for my nearest and dearest, and if you have afforded me your time and patience when I have most needed someone there, you will know that I will always be there for you too. I hope it goes without question that the people I care most about, know I am always here for them, if you don't get a reply, just bombard me, please!

Wow, off on a bit of a tangent there for a moment, but making an important point of how these things fit into my mindset and the way I live my life these days.  Anyway, back on track again now just to sum things up. Turning off notifications is not for everyone I know. For some there are too many variables in their lives to make it a viable option. However for others it is simply a matter of taking back control, shunning the FOMO that seems to have become a thing these days, and just focusing on yourself for a bit.

Try it for a few hours, a day maybe, see how it feels. Different phones and OS's allow different levels of personalisation of how to quieten things down. Leaving on notifications for important apps or people, while shutting the rest out for a bit. Take some time to yourself, maybe practise some mindfulness. Did I mention the Calm app? Great for spending some time with yourself for a bit.
So go on, see what freedoms your devices will afford you, and try it. God knows people are trying all the other popular and cool stuff, like giving up booze or meat for a month. Even pretending that they are going to go to the gym this year, and instead just giving the gym owners a financial boost for a few month.

Right, that is it for me, I will now switch my notifications on for a bit so I can see and respond to any messages and comments about this entry in real time!
I'm joking of course, I love the comments etc, but really don't write these things for them. Instead they are mainly for me, with an added bonus of helping and influencing others from time to time.

 

Published on Leave a comment on Made redundant today.

Yup, that's right, after 24 years working at the same place, in just two roles, a swiftly called meeting this afternoon wrapped it all up into a couple of neat sentences. Our role is to be "absorbed" into other operations, and therefore our services are no longer required. The end of service will be around March some time, but we are currently waiting on one-to-one consultations to find out more. There will of course be a compensations package. 

Before I carry on, by "today" I actually mean yesterday, but I have just been taking a bit of time to digest all of this before putting fingers to keys. Having thought over this overnight, I thought it would be best to write in a short series of entries, so not to miss anything out, or skate over some parts to keep the entry short. So I will start with the immediate thoughts, and feelings on the situation.

So here goes...
Since 2020 there have been some big changes in the company, closures, consolidations, and other cost saving measures. My team have avoided a couple of rounds of redundancies in the past, and I have to say I took the threat far worse then than I did recently. I am sure there are some blog entries to be found which reflect how badly I took the threat, and the poor mental state I was in at the time. It is actually quite incredible to look back at those times, and see the differences from then til now. 

This time however it was for real. In the weeks leading up to the announcement, there have been some warning signs, and on the actual day, the activities within the company in the morning indicated all was not well, and that there was bad news on the horizon. So when the email came in to say we were having a team meeting, including a senior, and HR, in the next 30 mins, with the whole team, I think it is fair to say the writing was on the wall. On the lead up to the meeting I was frantically messaging those closest to me saying I thought I was about to get made redundant, while at the same time in my head starting to process the news.

A year ago I would be a shaking, mumbling mess, of that I have no doubt. However as the meeting started, the faces of the managers said it all. No words were needed other than when and how much. However a sombre statement was read out, which detailed the reasoning for the decision, a rough time scale, and that support would be available and further meetings would be had with employees in the coming days and weeks to give individual details. Logging out of the meeting, I was officially aware that I was being made redundant, and obviously told my nearest and dearest immediately. While at the same time the IM's came alive with messages from people in the same boat. 

From that point on, well it has been interesting. Obviously there is still a job to do, so you have to remain professional. But it is hard to avoid the fact you just got canned. There is no bitterness or bad feeling there for me. 24 years service (just missing out on my 25 year pay award, damnit!). I feel I have been treated fairly, paid well (something I will revisit), and having spent the last four years working from home, I honestly don't think I could have asked for more. So I am strangely grateful for the opportunities and the journey.

The rest of the working day was strange, there was a eerie quietness about the place. No one talking much, communications to a minimum, with the occasional random question or statement, but that was about it.

For me, my brain sprang into motion, thankfully at a reasonable speed, and I started processing what this meant for me. Sitting at my expensive home office set up, which I paid for myself, the first thought was "what am I gonna do with this lot". Not a major concern, a past expenditure now (apart from the chair), so something that I am sure will serve a purpose in the future one way or another. Then my mind turned to what comes next...

That is an interesting one for me, and I will go into my thoughts on that on the next entry maybe. However, there are a few points I want to make in this entry beforehand. 
I am more than aware my role has paid pretty well compared to the job market out there, and that the role itself has afforded me some luxuries. The biggest one being free time. Having worked part time for almost the past 15 years now, not starting til midday Monday to Friday. I have had plenty of time to spend with my thoughts, and had the freedom to exercise and escape for a while.

Obviously there is a bit of a reality check about to hit, and I am sure it is going to take some getting used to. Working longer days, maybe weekends, being paid less, and having to try harder to find time for my escapes. Escapes which I am positive have helped put me in the stronger mental health position that I am in today.

Of course, it is not just me in this flotilla of boats. As we all move away from this role, a lot of others are also going through the same processes, some I would hazard a guess, taking the news not quite as well as me, and seeing a dark road ahead right now. To them, I wish them the best, and hope they can take some time to reflect on how exceptional the last however many years have been, and hope they can make the required adjustments to find some light. 

And of course, I have to take a moment to recognise the changes this means to my home life too. No more being at home with the dogs all day, no more cosy home office. Back to seeing the wife in the morning and then again in the evening, depending of course on what path I take next. Lots of uncertainty, but very little worry or concern. With the suggestions of what the redundancy will be, I am confident I will have the time to make some careful decisions on what lays ahead, decide what path to take and what my future is, while being able to pay the bills to keep a roof over our heads in the meantime.  That's the main things covered. 

I will wrap it up there. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts out there, reflect for a moment myself, and check in with myself to see if any feelings I was not aware of surfaced while writing this. I am pleased to report this is NOT the case, and that after writing this, I still feel headstrong and positive. Thank you to those of you who have already reached out with supportive words and reassurances that it will all be OK. 

Watch this space for the next instalment, where I will hopefully spit ball some ideas I have had.
Not how I saw this year going, but got to stick with the positives, like .. I might be able to buy a new bike now...woohoo!

 

Published on Leave a comment on Knowing when to give up.

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !! 

Published on Leave a comment on Trying too hard!

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always try too hard, hell I don't even try to do the right thing some of the time, but every now and then I find myself in touch with my consciousness, and try and do what is right. 

As the years have passed, I have realised that sometimes that is to my detriment. Putting strain on my mental health and state of mind, for the sale of others. Sometimes the others don't seem to be putting as much heart into it as me, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty, rather than tired and full of a sense of teamwork and achievement. 

I had a great nights sleep last night, woke refreshed and surprisingly free of social burdens. Not bothered by much of what has happened of late, and free to think for myself. The clearest thing that came to me was, "why are you doing this to yourself?". The alarming part was I had no answer. 

Beating myself up week after week, overdoing it, not giving myself enough 'me time', and for what! The reality is, nothing, other than sense of doing the right thing. It's all well and good doing the right thing, trying to be helpful, supportive, productive etc, but if it leaves you in a complete mess, and unable to do the things that actually matter, what's the point! 

I had a lovely bike ride yesterday, something I have not had time for for weeks now, and a good morning run to clear my head this morning. So right now, today, this week is about me! And doing what is right for me. Less hours at work, more time focusing on my health. 

I always find myself getting caught up with a feeling of not doing my fair share at work. Working a shorter contracted day than the rest, when things are tough I like to step up. But then when I get in a mess and remember WHY I chose to do shorter hours, the penny FINALLY drops and I realise what has happened, vow never to do it again, and then next time comes around. 

Well I have caught myself this time, and I ain't going down that damn rabbit hole this time. 

 

Right I am off to stretch, do some mindfulness exercises and spend some time with me. 

Have a great day, and an even better week. 

PS there may be trouble ahead...... Lol

Published on Leave a comment on Cloud of negativity.

Right now I can feel this huge cloud of negativity hanging over me. The other day I said about the differences between depression and tiredness. Today I will take it one step further and reflect on how tiredness can lead to lots of negative thoughts.

The past week has been a testing one for sure. As the week has drawn on, and the tiredness increased, so has the frustration and negativity. It is all part of the same thing, and easy from afar to see what is happening, but each time something even mildly bad (fed up of saying negative already!) happens, so the tension builds even more. 

To add to this, the restraints of looking after the new pup also mean that going out on the bike or for long walks is not so easy right now. My escape route is blocked so to speak. My usual dash for freedom and reset is blocked. Now I am not saying it is Freyjas fault, nor impossible to get out there. There is a second thing blocking my path, weather! 

Obviously this time of year the weather turns quite fast, and with it goes the mood, so getting on the bike and going for a ride is more faff. More layers, deeper clean of the bike after a ride, not to mention a little less freedom in where I go and what I go. Taking pictures is a bit harder with full fingered gloves on. Am I getting any pity yet? No! OK I will carry on lol.

Looking out of the kitchen window as I write this, at 8.30am on a chilly November morning, I can see the outside calling to me, and I do plan to go out there, but I am just watching the outside temp and hoping it climbs quickly so I can escape for a bit. Although deep inside I know it will barely be in double figures today, so not quite sure what I am hoping for here.

Then there is weight... Something that silently creeps up on me and quickly destroys my self confidence, and drive to train more. It is a vicious circle, get an injury, gain weight, lose fitness, feel unable to train as hard as I would like. Eat crap, gain more weight, try to train, get an injury... repeat! In the past few months I have gained about 20lb, can feel it in every way possible, from breathing to fitting of clothes, and desperately want to get back on the right train, but this cloud...

Yup, that damn cloud of negativity hanging over me. Creating doubt, stirring anxious thoughts, doing all it can to keep me in a slump. Stuck in the mindset that home under the duvet is safe and warm, lets just stay here. But truth of the matter is, I don't want to do that, I enjoy being active, I enjoy riding, and running, and most of all I like being healthy and not a fat blob on the sofa pretending the world is a better place if I stay put.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I said the other day, I am not depressed, more self suppressed. This is all my own doing, and all within my control to change it. I am not hating on myself, just recognising an unhealthy behaviour in myself, with the desire to change it. And change it I will... Soon!
I am a strong believer in doing things at the right time. Committing to a new routine when your mind is not in the game is a recipe for failure. Choosing the right time and way to start something new, or make a big change to routine, especially if you depend on routine to get through each day, is imperative.

The next few weeks will see lots of changes. Freyja will be fully jabbed so can start to go out for walks, mealtimes will change a little allowing for more flexibility for me and my daily routine. Being able to walk all the dogs (one at a time) each morning or evening will give me something more to do, and encourage more activity for me. Not to mention that the more freedom will allow bike rides to resume. 

I think the big one to me at the moment is getting running again. I know it has a positive impact on my weight, and mental well-being, and is a quick way to burn off some excess energy, and blow some of that cloud from over my head. Just got to hope my left leg plays ball, and lets me get a few miles in each time. Just to rebuild the self confidence.

Right, enough rambling, time to get ready to go out on the bike, and shake some of the negative shit from the past few days away. 

Thanks for reading. As ever I feel better just for getting this out of my head, but there is more to come, you have been warned!

Published on Leave a comment on Depression or exhaustion.

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

Published on Leave a comment on Vivid dreams and struggling to focus.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.