Skip to content

Tag: mental health

Published on Leave a comment on DO…NOT…RUN !!

That's what I have just been told, in no uncertain terms, and it's heartbreaking! After weeks of discomfort and occasional pain in my left ankle I have finally seen the physio about it. Uncertain of what the exact cause is, but aware of the parts it is impacting, the decision is do not run.

I have to say first that the conversation with the physio was actually a delight . A free speaking discussion session with a like  minded person. Open to my interpretations of what was going on, and happy to discuss their thoughts process openly too. Getting the appointment was nice and swift too. Emailing the GP surgery last week and being given the appointment for today by the end of last week.

So what is going on? About 8 weeks ago I think, I started to notice my left heel was really sore. I am not sure when or why it first started, but I do know it has not improved at all in that time. From the ball of my foot to my calf is sensitive , taking in the plantar facia, heel and achilles tendon. As a side note from my calf to my glute is also tight, but not as problematic as the lower section. In short my whole left leg is a mess lol.

We talked for about half an hour, testing some movements, looking for sensitivity, exploring possible causes, but without a definite cause it is hard to be sure what the right course of action is. So we finally agreed what the right thing to do was, and as the title suggests, it includes NOT running for a while.

In the meantime cycling is OK, and the main focus is on strength training for my lower left leg. As well as some exercises to stretch out, and strengthen the tendons and muscles in the area. Weighted calf raises, hip flexor stretches, hamstring stretches to name but a few. Which for me is fine, as I have been looking for a reason to get serious about strength training again for a while.

To be clear, I am not talking about bulking back up, my days of being oversized with muscle are in the past. But having decent strength, and maybe a little bit of ego induces muscular definition is what is on the cards right now.

Speaking to the physio, I touched on the recent muscle loss, and we agreed that it may well play a part in what is going on. Less muscle, maintained physical load, a possible recipe for injury. So putting some strength back into the system is not a bad thing at all. Thankfully there is a good gym at work, so all I need to do is work out what I am going to do, and if that be at home or at the work gym.

In the meantime I somehow have to keep up my cardio workload, and keep my brain happy too. Not running is going to make me a bit miserable for a while, and really mess with my morning routine. So I will have to make sure I am motivated and driven to actually put myself out there and get a physical hit where I can. Cycling can take up some of the slack, but I really, I mean REALLY need to focus on strength. I would love to be getting some squats and deadlifts in, but I will have to adapt to what I have available to me.

Time to do some research, and plan some workouts. I will be doing a complete body over the course of each week, not just the legs. Ironically apart from the injury the legs are my strongest bits.

Bring on the pain, and hopefully get rid of the other pain. And of course fingers crossed, avoid any sort of mental slump.

Published on Leave a comment on Am I UNDER-thinking things?

Now there is a question I never saw myself asking! 
I have been off work with a mix of annual leave and sickness for a few weeks now, and I have noticed a change in my sleep. Not saying I have ever been a great sleeper, but with the mental load of work, I have definitely improved over recent times. 

However with me having not been in work, and instead being left to my own devices for a period of time, my sleep has become unbalanced again. OK part of that is obviously change in routine, and lack of sleep discipline, but is that all it is? I came here to write a bunch of stuff to get to the bottom of it, so join me...

I last worked on June 15th, then had some annual leave. Making the most of the turn in the weather I got stuck into some cycling, something that has not happened for a while now. A good 200 mile week, but on the last day I had slept badly the night before, and felt a bit rough. Turns out I had Covid (flu). Hoping I would shake it before my scheduled return to work, I rested as much as I could, but alas, no joy.

Missing a tour always sucks, but missing the one you are scheduled to work between two periods of annual leaves really sucks. It looks bad, and makes me feel crappy. Not to mention extended my time with a lack of mental stimulation. Unplanned and unwell, means just sitting around doing very little, which is never good for my brain. 

As my second period of leave has progressed, I have felt better physically. More able to get back outside and do things, and currently I am focusing on running again as that is where my best gains come from. Besides the heat has been brutal the past week and not ideal for long rides. On the flip side my sleep seems to have gone to pieces. Staying up later and later trying to get tired, waking earlier unrefreshed. I should point out that the past five days have been rather warm, so getting settled has not been easy, even at the best of times.

But as I lay in bed last night, wishing myself to sleep, I was aware of myself thinking. Randomly, just picking a topic and thinking about it for a few mins before moving onto the next one. No rational train of thought, just an unsettled mind trying to find something to process. My normal working week train of thought is all very calculated and organised. Processing work events, working through them and filing them away. Same for personal life. But now..... it's a mess!

So I was left with the question I opened with.. Am I UNDER-thinking things at the moment? Ironically leading myself to over-think anything and everything that comes into my mind? Is my structured thought process a shield or filter from everyday brain noise? Does having a large mental load prevent me from wasting time thinking about random pointless topics? Is that a good thing?

See NOW I am over thinking it, but fear not... I am just spit balling rather than being consumed by all the questions above. Its the process of trying to understand my own mental state, and one I go through quite frequently, I am just putting it out there on this occasion to work through the confusion of the current moment. Although it has just given me a great idea for another entry. "Working through my mental load" (coming soon!).

My take on this all is, my brain is under stimulated, a little bit bored, and definitely twitchy. It needs something with some volume to keen it ticking over, and being sat on the sofa trying to get better does nothing for it. However being at work does, and now I have experienced what it is like to be off, I don't like it. Sure a tour here and there, nine days off, planned with things to do, that is fine. But unexpected, unable to do much, I don't like it... AT ALL!!!

But there is good news on the horizon... Saturday I am back in a day early to cover an exchange shift, so in a few days time, and the rest days that follow, we will soon see if having something to think about and process really does help my restless mind. 

Thanks for coming along down this rabbit hole with me, next stop ground level! 

Published on Leave a comment on Eye contact understood.

I think I have finally started to understand my whole thing with eye contact.

How close it too close? For a long time now I have always thought I struggled with making eye contact, and that it was just something I wasn't cut out for, but recently I have taken a moment to try and better understand it, and by golly I think I have sussed it. For me at least, not sure about other people.

We are taught that eye contact is important in social interactions, showing we are engaging with someone, listening, and giving them our full attention. However at the same time there is also the "OMG they are so creepy, they just looked right at me" too! And of course "are they staring at me, do they want trouble?" So while we are taught to do it, we are also taught it is rude, creepy, threatening and so much more. So do I look at people in the eye or not. 

This is about to get real boring, so don't say I didn't warn you!

First up, over the years it has bugged me how difficult I found it to make eye contact, in some cases at least. Believing it was the social norm to just make eye contact with everyone I came into contact with, I just assumed I was a bit different. Which to be fair is not untrue in itself, but I thought I was the odd one. When I would go out in public I feared eye contact, and I think this is connected to my anxiety and the feeling of judgement. Only when I have felt really low have I hidden my eyes, wearing dark glasses even on the dullest of days.

So when I mixed in those experiences, with my beliefs of what social norms are, I came to the conclusion that I had serious social issues, and struggled all the time. Turns out that isn't the case at all. What I realised recently was, when I am in good company and feeling relaxed I make eye contact all the time. With one exception... when I am in close proximity to someone. If I am relaxing having lunch with a friend, over a table I am happy to lock eyes for long periods of time (without getting weird). However, same friend, different setting, side by side in cinema, or in a coffee shop over a small table, and NOPE!

That is just weird, its too close and too intimate a setting. Obviously change the person to someone I am intimate with, of course I mean my wife lol, and that changes  again. So it isn't that I can't, it isn't that I don't want to. It simply comes down to who, where and when.

So I am not weird after all, OK, I am not that weird haha. But I am certainly not the same as everyone else, I accepted that a long time ago, and that's not a bad thing.

I would be interested to know from others, if others are even aware, what are you like with eye contact, and does it differ between situations and locations too? I am pretty sure as with other things most people are completely unaware of how they behave in such situations. However for people like myself I am hyper aware of these tiny little details, and that is the part which creates social anxiety for me.

This has been another steep learning experience for me with the new job too (I keep calling it my "new" job but its been over nine months now), having to engage with new people day after day, meet people from different walks of life, and find a way to communicate.  It has almost been a session of exposure therapy, forcing me to overcome my self doubts and get on with things. And it seems to have done the trick.

My confidence has sky-rocketed, my ability to engage in conversation with people has improved and I now find myself being the one making conversation. I never saw that coming. Although to be fair to myself, I have always had a habit of awkwardly making conversation if cornered. Have I turned into the stranger who just starts chatting to random people? I don't think so, but I will be mindful of the situation I put others in when striking up a conversation.

Right, enough rambling, I am off to stare some strangers dead in the eyes!

Published on Leave a comment on 282 Days Later…

On the 12th August 2024 I arrived outside this building for the first time as a new employee, nervous of what laid ahead. As I walked around outside burning off nervous energy, and to pass time as I had arrived ridiculously early. As I waited I heard sirens approaching, and within seconds a fire engine came racing around the corner, and in through the gates.

Was this some kind of new starters welcome, putting on a bit of a show to welcome the newbies to the service? Well, apparently not. Instead it was the fire alarms sounding, and refusing to switch off. The irony! The number of times I have heard "the fire alarm won't switch off" is unreal.

As per my last entry, I have recently passed my probation, so that brings the first phase of things to an end for me. Signed off as "competent" is a good feeling, but a humbling one too. While it is nice to know that I have reached a point where I feel confident , I am aware I know about 10% of what there is to know, and there is so much more to learn and experience.

I have been lucky to work with some amazing people, all of whom have a different way of doing things and explaining things. A wealth of knowledge all within one room, and so many different experiences which can be called upon in the moment to make any incident understandable and manageable.

I can remember sitting in the training room for  the first couple of weeks, learning the theory of the role, at first it seemed daunting and scary, but as time passed we all started to learn the processes and procedures. Which in one sense was a good thing, understanding the process of what we would be doing day to day. However on the other hand there was a feeling of safety and a clinical environment, Which is fine for training but at the same time almost sets you up for a big shock when you hit the real environment for the first time.

My first couple of tours on watch I remember feeling like I was completely out of my depth, but was ready and willing, and really wanted to make things work. Determined that I had what it took, I talked things through, made notes and tried to make every experience a learning opportunity. The nature of the job means that no matter what you have done before, there is always a surprise and the unexpected around the corner, ready to throw you a curve ball.

But I think that is one of the things that really appealed to me about this role. Knowing no two days would be the same, in fact, no two calls are the same. Even the most straightforward of calls has its own little individual twist to it. Never dull, ever changing, always something to keep your brain working hard and you on your toes, and I love it. Even more so now that I am starting to get my feet under the table.

As time progressed and I went solo I have definitely felt the need to get confirmation and reassurance from supervisors. Just to know I have done things right. The most reassuring thing about the whole place is that everyone pretty much feels the same. We all have moments where we question our actions, check with others to see if there are other options, and make sure we never become complacent. Some people have decades of experience and still have the occasional moment where something doesn't sit right and outside help and advice is sought.

My take away from all this is that I am in good company. We all have moments where we feel momentarily out of our depth, however we managed to achieve the main objectives, and all learn something new together each day.

In the time I have been writing this entry a number of incidents have taken place which have really made me feel like I belong in this place more than ever before. Challenging my thought process and my resolve, but somehow strangely rewarding too. It is times like this that it is unfortunate that I am unable to go into details about anything more. But rest assured I really feel like I have made a difference today, possibly more than a lot of other days since I started here.

It has definitely been a positive few days which have really helped me feel that the past year has been something that was meant to happen, and as my lovely wife would say "it's fate!!". Things have a habit of happening for a reason in life,  no matter how bad or bizarre they feel at the time, things just seem to work themselves out. We might not find ourselves in the situations we imagined ourselves in, but one way or another, we end up where we were meant to be. As corny as that sounds, it has some merit to it. The older I get, the more I understand it.

Looking back there are numerous things that have happened in my life, some amazing, some emotional, some utter shite, but they all delivered me to where I am right now, and that is a place where I feel I really belong.. AT LAST !!

Right, wrapping it up here, I am in desperate need of some sleep, and the last few paragraphs of rambling probably highlight that haha.

Thanks for reading, and as ever, thanks for being here for me when  I need those people the most. Like I say life works itself out, and it also weeds out the rough and leaves us with the best.

Published on Leave a comment on Laying in isn’t always bad.

Today I determined that the desire to have a lay in for me is not always a bad sign. For years if I felt the urge to just stay in bed when I woke up, alarm bells started ringing and paranoia would quickly set in. The feeling of doom and gloom would soon overcome the relaxation of just taking a few minutes to enjoy doing nothing.

Having grown used to staying in bed when I was starting to feel depressed or anxious, it became my first sign warning that things were starting to take a turn for the worse. Sure I remember lazy lay-ins when I was younger. Nothing to do that day, and feeling like I wanted to have some physical rest, but those days feel long in the past.

These days if I were to wake up and just want to stay in bed, rather than planning my days activities in my head, I would panic a little, thinking I was at the top of the slippery slope of depression. This is a self taught behaviour, and to be honest, a good one for the main part. Catching the signs early in recent years has led to better outcomes and shorter spells of poor mental health.

Having said that, today when I woke up I knew I didn't have work, had heard the rain in the night, so knew I didn't want to immediately go out for a ride or walk. My chest is still yucky so I was definitely not going for a morning run. So with all that in mind, I had no immediate plans. I got up to use the loo, and felt achy as I walked (lots of walking yesterday), so decided to get back in bed for a minute.

I think the difference in how all the information was processed is key here. Having logical reasons to want to remain in a nice warm bed. Not messing around getting dressed, and then trying to get comfy on the sofa. Instead just hopping back into bed and relaxing for a bit. Waking up gently, rather than in a rush, or with an agenda. It actually felt really nice.

Yet here I am at the kitchen table with a coffee and writing this now. The lay in didn't last too long, maybe 45 mins or so, but that was long enough to tick the "I don't have to get up yet" box, enjoy a bit of sprawl time in the bed without any stress. Me time!

So now I have a new process when I wake up, and one I have been expanding on for a while now. Wake up but don't get up, take a minute to adjust and do a systems check. Open eyes slowly and adjust, don't rush. When I start moving, go slow, I have time. Then a self check, how do I feel physically and mentally, do I need to change my pace?

If all is going well, and all boxes are checked, go about my morning routine. If not, allow time to assess what is wrong, and what I can do to correct things before getting going. If I feel a bit tired mentally or physically, slow down, even stop. WAIT... Let's get this right!

I have the addition now to check the reasons for wanting to stay in bed "for a little bit longer". Is it chilly, do I want a snuggle, am I feeling poorly, am I just a bit tired and need to give myself longer to wake up? Or like today, do I just have a free day, feel like pampering myself, and fancy a little bit longer laying in bed with my thoughts?

Writing this, and remembering there is a difference between the feelings of CAN'T get out of bed because of how I feel, and DON'T WANT to get out of bed because I fancy a lay in. Staying in bed is not always a bad thing now, and that is a great feeling and deserved acknowledgement here. THAT is why I got out of bed this morning. A cause and thought finally outweighed the enjoyment and relaxation of being in bed.

Right, I am off to do..... NOTHING today. I saw the doctor yesterday, and even he said take it easy for a bit til this virus passes fully, so that is what I am going to do. Maybe a lazy session on the trainer later at most.

Have a great day all 🙂

Published on Leave a comment on Looking for the silver lining.

Yesterday I had some assessments at work, just to see how my development is progressing, and to make sure I am doing the job properly. I want to start by saying I am definitely still OK to continue doing my role, there are no issues there.

That said, there were some areas of improvement identified, some of which I was already aware of, and looking to get more guidance on, so there are no surprises for me there. However there were some points made which really made sense, so I shall go into a little more detail on this.

The assessments were carried out by different people, the latter being the assessment where I flagged up more of the areas to develop. In the debrief which followed, so  very honesty and frank conversations were had, and neuro diversity was mentioned more than once. Anyone who has read more than a single blog of mine on here will know this is a phrase I am very familiar with, and a subject I am curious about.

A couple of years ago I identified that there was definitely something going on in my brain which made me think and behave a little differently to some others around me. At the time I was mainly focused on the mental wellbeing issues it created, and the anxiety it stirred up. But as I studied it more I realised there was a much larger impact on my day to day life, as well as my past, than I had ever noticed.

So to sit with someone with some knowledge on the subject and have an open discussion about it, as well as have my behaviour analysed from a third party perspective was a really positive thing for me. I have had many conversations with people I know about this topic, but generally with people who are not necessarily in a position to have an informed opinion on the matter. Being able to step back from a friendship and deliver an honest opinion is not always easy, so this setting was perfect. A manager at work, who knows me in general but has the opportunity to observe and report honestly. A genuine game changer.

I have never for one second thought that I would not be supported at work, it has always been clear that my employers are very aware of different learning styles and personalities, but I have always been a little cautious about approaching the subject. Not through shame or embarrassment, but more from being stubborn and too determined for my own good.

My mindset has always been, develop as far as I can, then if I am still in need ask for help. Looking back at that decision it sounds good to me, but in reality probably isn't the right way to do things, especially when surrounded by so much support. So I am going to do things differently!

In the debrief observations on my processes were made, and comments made on how it appeared my thought process and work flows had occurred. For me, I am generally totally unaware of how these things work, but to have them broken down, and shown back to me was a game changer. I frequently over think things, and am more than aware of that, and have found ways to slow my mind down, and take control back from these spiralling thoughts.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, and therefore have never had the opportunity to address any issues which may exist  within them.

UNTIL NOW! Having now had the chance to digest what I was told, and what we discussed, I can see that I have areas in which I can develop and grow in. If I can understand and take control over how some of these processes work, that could be beneficial to me both in and outside the workplace, so a win-win!

The first step here is to note down the areas which were identified, and take some time to work through them myself. So I feel I am in control of what happens next. The last thing I want is to become part of a process, rather than going through a process of which I have some input in. Being in control after all is one of my traits, as many will tell you!

Next up is to go through an assessment process to better understand these behaviours, and find a way to adapt so I can be at my best all the time. I think I know myself pretty well now, and as far as mental health goes, I have taken a long time to understand the triggers for episodes of depression and anxiety. That is NOT to say I have full control over these, as I absolutely do not! But I have become better at identifying when things are starting to get rough, and take the necessary action to minimise the impact of said episode.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, or some of the more intricate processes in my life. From doing simple tasks, to carrying out complex activities, I have some very set tendencies, and after yesterday I am definitely more aware of them.

So the assessment process. Well that is a bit of an unknown for me for two reasons. Firstly, the NHS assessment, which I asked for two years ago now, and was recently informed that it had never been submitted. Regardless of the apology and the promise of it being fast tracked and hearing back soon, in the couple of weeks since the email... NOTHING! Not a word. Now I don't expect it all to be taken care of and done in a matter of weeks, but some further acknowledgement would be nice.

Side note, this reminds me of the time I was sent for an urgent assessment for severe anxiety. I was told to go to the local health centre and go to a certain area. I went in, was directed by reception to a room, and there I sat. The appointment time came and went, and nothing. No one came out, no information about what was going on. Almost 30 mins after the appointment time, someone finally came out of the room and said they were sorry and they had been busy. Right, and popping your head around the door 30 mins ago was too much to ask... I'm here for anxiety FFS!

Anyway, back on track. So I don't expect miracles from the NHS, however there is another route, and this is through work. Thanks to yesterday and my fabulous colleague taking the time to explain things to me, I have a bit of a better understanding of it all. There is a work provided assessment route, which appears to be a lot quicker than the NHS one. First doing a basic assessment, and then if required doing a more detailed one. The outcome of this is fed back through work and used to identify opportunities to change the approach to learning things, the chance to practise and better understand some processes, and in short, used to better my development, whilst not making me feel like a special needs case, or a burden.  That sounds good to me!

Now I want to take a moment to reflect on my initial reaction to the debrief. Obviously there were scores and marks involved , we all love a tick mark, and I am pretty sure the X's were not kisses showing love for my answers. Generally I would come away from that feeling deflated. Given there were 2 hour long assessments that day, amongst working my shift, mentally it was quite a draining day. Even more reason to curl up in a ball of self pity. But I didn't! Immediately after the test I was back working the last part of my shift, awaiting feedback. And once the feedback was delivered, which I might add I stayed late for, I happily got in my car and drove home in horrendous traffic.

My coping mechanism, a voice note, a couple of minutes long, sent to a few close people to me who would understand it. (Sorry Lee, we will laugh about that for years to come 🤣) But looking back, what I was actually doing was a verbal blog entry. Saying things to process them and understand them better. It is just how my brain works, and I am starting to understand that part more too now. It started in turn started conversations which helped me better explore the situation. So all in all a a very good process for me.

I have just realised how many times I have said process in the process of writing this entry lol. But that's it, that is what it is all about, understanding my processes, and how my brain processes things, and identify the times it is different to that of others. Not to make excuses or exceptions, but more to make adaptations so that the end result can be both on par with others and satisfactory to all.

I am excited to learn how I am different to others. Not quirky behaviours that just make me who I am, but the parts which would help if I understood better, to make me a stronger person, and better at my job.

Probably better to leave this one here for now, rather than say "processes" one more time! Thank you for reading this far, I hope it has made some sense. It did to me writing it, and as usual I walk away from the keyboard understanding myself just a little bit more.

Published on Leave a comment on SO tired!

I guess it's that time of year again, plus a little exhausted from the past few months of brain abuse better known as training. I am sure things get easier with time, and as I settle into my comfort zone I feel little things are calming down a bit.

But the bit I can't get past at the moment is the tiredness. When I wake up in the morning, even after a good sleep, I still have an overwhelming desire to stay right where I am. Now the old me would immediately think OMG I am starting to slip and I'm gonna start to spiral.

However this is new me, positive me, the real me. And that me knows that I am in fact mentally fine right now. It's just the other parts that are letting me down a bit. Physically I am a bit of a mess at the moment, gained weight, lost fitness and am really missing out on the activities that usually keep me firing on all cylinders.

I guess there is an aspect of mental wellbeing in there, having not had a number of bike rides out in the wild each week like I usually would. That will have taken a toll, I am not going to shy away from that fact. But I don't think it's the main issue.

Instead I think it is lack of routine (that is coming, but taking time), lack of physical fitness, the long dark days are drawing in, and I can feel how that makes me tired just based on the drive to work just now. Headlights on at 1pm on a gloomy afternoon is depressing (in the normal sense not the clinical sense).

Over all though, I think I just need a little break. I have been on the go since Aug (I know I know poor me).. But to make the point it has been very mentally demanding, and my brain just needs some down time to process and file it all away.

I have lots of leave to take before April, but I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea right now. Now to be clear, this is not work impressing this on me, this is my choosing. But right now I want to get two or three tours going solo under my belt before I take any time off. At the moment that feels doable, but hopefully it won't take much longer to go solo, so I can get started on those tours.

Obviously if my brain starts to melt before that time I might have to take another look at that plan. But let's see, I'm not calling it yet. If all goes well, three solo tours would take me to Xmas week, so maybe some time off in the new year.

In the meantime, fresh air, coffee, and regular walks will keep me going. I just need to make sure that the rest I get is good rest, and that I don't try to over do it trying to get fitter again.

Fitness of course is a whole different story, and something for another entry I think. Til then, I will finish this coffee, get some air and get my head I the game for my late short shift.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Wow….People eh!

First up, before I say a word, lets address the new look. Not sure about this theme, but thought it was time to switch things up a little bit. So bear with me here, things might get a little funky for a while. OK, glad that's taken care of.

So, back to me, that's what this is all about after all, as I am reminded time and again by a very dear friend of mine.

As I sit typing this out, in real-time as it flows out of my brain, the first thing I realise is "damn, I can type pretty darn fast, without looking at the keyboard, without thinking about where I need to hit next, it just flows. I guess if it didn't then I would probably not write blogs as it would take foreeeeeverrrrr! However it seems that  that is not always the case and I will get onto that shortly. 

Let's get you all up to speed on how things have been since training ended. The first notable thing is pass-out. Finally in full uniform, and surrounded by my nearest and dearest, the day was amazing. I don't say that lightly, and have to admit it went far beyond my expectations. I know i keep saying it, but I really feel like part of a family in my new role, and that will continue to become apparent as I write more I am sure .

The setting was of course at work, and I was able to introduce my best friends to my bestie at work, and we all got to spend some time together as a complete group. It felt important to me for everyone who is special and close to me to know each other, and see that each of them has a place in my heart, and a role in my life. And I hope deep inside that they can all lean on each other at times too, regardless of if the situation is about me or not. 

After seeing my line manager and being invited to show my guests around my workplace, it was time for the pass-out ceremony. All sitting in the same room, with my training cohort, trainers, line management, senior officers and of course my guests. I felt SO proud to be a part of the day, and even prouder to be joining the workforce after proving my worth over the past 12 weeks. Standing up to receive my certificate from the Deputy Assistant Commissioner was a very proud moment for me indeed. 

Formalities over, it was time for food and fun, and we were lucky enough to have been joined by a 64 meter turntable ladder to have a look at and experience. If you know me, you know I love big machines, and this thing is no exception. Giving an amazing view of London from the top, and getting to see the expanse that I will now play a role in protecting and helping in their worst moments. 

Once the day came to an end, we jumped in the car, popped home and headed off to Wales for a few days to relax, before coming back to London for my first tour as a qualified member of staff. Training is one thing, but being in a live environment, and dealing with real incidents and events is something totally different. But OMG I love it!

Was I nervous? Duh, of course I was. Not knowing what to expect is all part of it. No one in the role will ever tell you they have heard it all, or are ready for ANYTHING, because neither statement would ever be true. But do I feel confident enough to listen, gather information, seek advice and get the right help on its way as quickly as possible? ABSOLUTELY! 

This isn't about knowing it all, or having all the answers. It is about being part of a well oiled machine, having access to a wealth of information, and having good people to lean on for advice. No two calls are the same, and after just one tour, or three shifts ranging across all the hours of the day, during fireworks weekend, I can say with absolute certainty that I did not once take a call the same as anything else I had taken already.  Similar incidents, yes of course. But it is the interaction with the individual that makes each call so differently.

London has a huge population, consisting of people from all walks of life. From wealthy to the homeless, from all corners of the globe. Covering all ethnicities, religions, languages etc. Not to mention the state of mind of the callers can massively influence how the call goes. From simple things that needed a little care and reassurance, to larger incidents requiring robust instruction, careful questioning, and a lot of behind the scene actions, I think we covered it all. Not to say there is nothing more to experience, because there is, and I look forward to helping in those matters too. 

Grateful, humble, polite, confused and down right abusive, I had the opportunity to speak to people from all areas. Treating each one as an individual, giving each the same treatment, and of course making sure I took the best course of action for them in their situation. Matters like this are a great leveller. Knowing someone is having a bad day, and is in need of your help is all I need to treat them with respect regardless of how they choose to present themselves in the moment.

Sitting here now on my second rest day, I am enjoying feeling relaxed enough to write this, and at the same time energised enough to want to share my stories (within guidelines), to show people just how great the role is, and how thankful I am to be in this position.  This time last year I was miserable, introvert, and completely unaware of how shitty I felt. Being made redundant turned my life around, for the better.

Setting me on this path of self exploration, and opening my eyes to not only what I really wanted to do, but also the opportunities I had to make those dreams a reality. Now I sit here, proud of my achievements, happy with my choices, and excited for what the future brings. 

For the record... I in no way think I know it all, believe I am ready to be set free on my own on the floor, or have the knowledge or abilities to deal with any situation. But the great thing is, I don't think I need it all either. Of course experience will help me become quicker and more efficient at what I do. I will have to lean less on others for the main part of the calls. It will also give me the confidence to feel much more prepared for whatever comes next. However, I vow to always remain humble about my role and abilities, keep my mind open to new information and training, and adapt as the world and risks change around us.

The things I have experienced over the past three days are just the tip of the iceberg, and there is so much more to come. I am sure my closest friends will hear lots more about it all, and for that I thank them in advance.

In the meantime, I am going to use this entry to hold myself accountable. Not only do I promise to stick to the vows I have made above, I also swear something else.
Now that I have my toes under the desk at work, and have a VERY structured routine for work shifts at work, I now vow to turn my attention to myself, and get back to a level of fitness I am happy with. The past few weeks have been very relaxed physically, and I know my fitness is suffering a bit. Proven by a short ride on Zwift today.

So, from my next tour, I am going to ensure I look after myself mentally and physically. Taking time for myself, scheduling exercise in to both working and rest days, and most of all, get my arse back on a bike and riding outside. It has long been my crutch, and hope it will continue to be. Burning off negative energy, getting out of my own head, and breathing fresh air in nice open places. 

Right, that said, I am off out into the chilly winter afternoon. 

Published on Leave a comment on Woooah, we’re half way there!

What a blur! Hard to believe that SIX weeks of training have passed already, consisting of three in the classroom, two on the floor actually doing part of the role, and another back in the classroom. From walking into the reception area on the first day, and looking around at the people in there wondering if we were all new starters, to now casually walking around the place with confidence. 

First and foremost I am proud of myself, for overcoming my inhibitions, putting the right foot forwards and starting as I mean to go on. From the first day I was offered the role I was determined that I would not be my old self of recent years, and instead project the confidence I remember having so many years ago. My aim was to stand out, without STANDING OUT!! If that makes sense. Be noticed and talked about for the right reasons, and not be the topic of gossip.

From day one I have tried to make bonds and support my fellow trainees in any way I could. Looking out for people, giving encouragement and praise, and most of all, trying to be a team player, and make sure we all made it through being the best versions of ourselves possible. All the while trying not to revert back to previous fake versions of myself. Not becoming a person I needed to be, but be the person I wanted to be known as. And dare I say, I think I have done it. 

Donning a mask, creating a character, and acting in a way I need to is something I am familiar with, and any person who has read these blogs over the years will know of my journey, and the pitfalls I have encountered over the decades of doing this. So to have a totally fresh start, be known as me, Michael, and not the previous iterations of me was key. For the first few weeks I honestly questioned was I being genuine? Was the real me coming across, or was I trying too hard?

Reading back through the  entries here has given me the confirmation that I needed, that I have indeed simply found the real me hidden inside the complex mixtures or personalities I have encountered and emulated over many years. It is SO refreshing to feel myself again. Feel that I am being honest with people and only showing them who I am, and not something or someone I want to be seen as.  I really think this is important in this role, and being in touch with yourself is a great asset to dealing with the things the role expose you to. Being human and relatable above all. 

I have had my doubts along the way, questioning if I was capable of doing it in the first place, how I would get on in a class environment, given the last time I was in one was 1989 and I walked away with nothing. I say nothing, I had the knowledge and the experience, just not the certification and proof that I had it all. Not that it has hindered me in life one bit. I am pleased to report however that I am enjoying the experience, and feel like I am learning so much. I have done more writing, as in pen and paper, in the past six weeks than I think I did my entire time at school. But that is a good thing. Like blogging, writing things helps me remember them, as it is a manual processing of my thoughts. 

Having finally managed to catch up with one of the seniors earlier this week, I am happy with the feedback I received, and that has given me a little more confidence and spark to dig ever deeper to reach the standard I expect of myself. There is a midway test coming up next week, which I am kinda looking forward to, just to see where I am and see what I need to improve on over the coming five weeks. It is incredible to think that in six weeks time I will hopefully have passed my last validation, been assigned to a work group and be starting my journey in a qualified (yet probationary) role. Fingers crossed anyway!

At the end of the working week this week I also had the opportunity to sit down with the trainers and discuss both my progress and have a welfare check to see all was well. From my side of things I am in a good place, happy with how things are in the classroom, confident things are sinking in, and not fazed by any of the topics or discussions. When asked if I had any questions or concerns, I simply asked how I was perceived. Not in an insecure way, but more to make sure that it was seen that I could be part of a team, and integrate within one of the work groups. There didn't seem to be any concern there whatsoever, so again that was a nice boost for me. 

Another thing I realised was that all this incessant blogging and babbling on about things has really helped with my typing speed and keyboard confidence. Not that I ever thought I was slow, or struggled with IT, but it has definitely helped me when it comes to parts of the role where being familiar with the keyboard really helps. Random but factual.

So.....Here I am, past the half way mark, energised by what I have learned and experienced so far, excited about what lays ahead. Unfazed by the environment, really happy to be around lots of people (a phrase I never thought I would be saying). There is a lot to fit in over the coming weeks, but I have confidence in myself, my fellow trainees and most of all,  the trainers and the system. 

Here's to my/ our successful passing out at the end of Oct.... fingers crossed

Big shout out to my support network both new and old.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s me, hi, I’m the problem..

...or not as the case may be!

Excuse the Taylor Swift opening, but I happen to frickin love that song, and it nudged me into writing this entry, and of course the thought process that got me to this point. 

Anyone one who has read my blogs for the past few years will have seen that I put a lot of the fault and blame for the way I am, and the way I have felt for a while, at my own feet. It's true to say that for a long time I have been dealing with the fact that I have become some sort of anti-social, people hating monster. The latter may still be true to be honest, as I do have an aversion for irritating people, especially the overly entitled. But that is another blog all together. 

Let's get back to the point of this one for now, and take a look at what has been going on in my life. 
For quite some time I have felt that I was not cut out for working in teams, being around lots of people and anything else that removed me from my self created cocoon of safety and sanctitude. All the signs seemed to be there, low mood, anxiety, and small panic attacks at the thought of being around people again.

Let me skip forward for a moment here, into the current day. For the past few weeks I have been introduced to dozens of new people, in a totally new environment, and exposed to all sorts of information and learning methods that would have had the 2023 me running for the hills. Based on the past four or five years I would have written that off as impossible, and immediately sought counselling at the mere suggestion of it. Yet here I am, loving it! So what has happened. Did I get something wrong, have I changed, what's the story.

Only one thing to do, break it down and take a look, so here goes.
First and foremost, people! It's not people, it's THE people! Huh? Well yeah, it's just that. It turns out that it isn't all people, just some people. Given the opportunity to be around like-minded people, who share a common interest, but have different mannerisms and behaviours, I am actually fine with that. All there for the same purpose, no-one better than the other, and all at least on the same chapter, if not the same page.

Looking back many years, say to when I was working in Sainsburys, I can recall a sense of camaraderie, enjoying being there, feeling part of a well oiled machine, and being able to kick into overdrive when the need arose. All would pull together, with the same goal in mind, and by jove we always came out on top. At some point towards the end of that period my daughter was born, I changed jobs, lost contact with my daughter, and turned into someone else. 

To this day I can honestly say a period of about six years is a complete blur to me. During the time I was an ops manager at a security company I went through a lot of change, and became someone I was not sure I liked. Slowly slipping into a rut. I can't really say much more about that time as I don't remember too much. Working too much, not being social enough, spending a lot of time in the gym believing a better me, meant a physical transformation. OK I got in good shape, but inside I was a mess. At no point around that time, or the few years that came after can I say I realised this was the case. It is only retrospectively I can see how much things changed, and as I try to recall to write this, as usual things are a little clearer. 

Things changed, probably for the worse, around the time I went to work for Fedex. Now I am not saying I didn't like working there, especially for the first decade. I made some good friends, and lost a few along the way, both death and dislike. However the new job meant a new car, and the new car along with the rise of the WWW meant a new me. Suddenly I was thrust into the new online car scene. Able to reinvent myself for the world stage. Michael became Snazy, and so it begun!

The next few years were a blast, meeting people, having all sorts of encounters, becoming a very minor personality, which of course came with perks you might say. No disrespect intended. Working with magazines and a few TV production crews, becoming a popular name on the modified car scene, and feeling like I finally had a place, I had found my people. Or had I?

I have written about this before but will quickly recap, being known as a personality, of which people have beliefs and expectations is exhausting. Worse still it is soul destroying when you realise that no-one knows who you actually are. You are just a character to them, and one who can give them things they want. Nothing more. Realising after two or three years that no one even knows what your real name is, not even your first name can really be a painful reality check. 

At the same time I was trying to form relationships, and connect, be human, and have a love life rather than just a social life. Bumpy relationships, brief encounters, etc can really start a wobble going, and one that it seems can take quite a long time to recover from.  So by 2004 I was Snazy the showman, but Michael the empty vessel. In the infancy of a new relationship, but one that turned out was really just a convenient companionship more than anything else. 

Skip forward a decade or so, and after a few bouts of depression and anxiety, quite a few years on meds, and some soul searching, I was finally starting to make progress. Kinda! The companionship ended, I was back to being very much my own person. Having lost my mother a few years before, I was now pretty much alone. With the exception of a few amazing friends. The next year or so I dabbled in life, all the while working into my second decade working for Fedex, in the same role, with the same people, and the same unhealthy working environment.

In 2016 I met Ann, my now wife, but shortly after meeting her and getting together I went through another bout of depression due to other factors going on around me. Thankfully that was quite short lived, and I started to get back on my feet. But there was something wrong, I was not who I was before, no familiar version of myself was to be found. This is not something I was openly aware of at the time, however in the coming years it became apparent. Especially after some deep thinking and mindfulness. 

We now reach 2020, and we know what happens next, especially if you have read my blogs since that time. Oh and of course, the C word! NOT that one, Covid!!
Working from home was the beginning of the rediscovery of myself. Having documented the three or four years that followed on from the initial WFH home order that Boris gave, there are signs all along the way, but none of them really signposted the destination I currently find myself at. 

Being away from the office, the people I had been stuck in an office with for so many years opened my eyes. Working on my own felt so good, and the restrictions of Covid meant that places were emptier, interactions were limited, and seeing only the creme-de-la creme of friends was perfection personified. THIS was who I was, THIS was a good life for me. 
By mid 2021 there was talk about returning to the office, people arrgh, no! I spiralled and fled to the doctors, feeling that familiar feeling of anxiety and dread. Meds, CBT, company doctor, appeals to HR, anything I could do to avoid the inevitable. And thankfully, eventually, I was told I never needed to work from the office again. As I sit here at my WFH desk writing this entry, I remember the sense of empowerment and happiness I was filled with at this news. 

From that point on I seemed to find a new me, which contradicted everything I thought I knew about myself. Catching up with people I had not seen in 15 years, going to concerts rammed to the rafters, putting myself in situations I had sworn I would never do again. I can thank Ann for that, helping my challenge my demons, and push my limits more than I would alone. I still didn't like places crammed with people, and was not a fan of public transport (but who is?), however I was able to be a bit more human.

At the end of 2023 rumours started that my efforts to WFH forever more were all in vain.. We were being made redundant! Jan 2024 confirmed this, and all of a sudden my world felt like it was being upended again. But this is where it gets strange. 

Somewhere inside of me there was a realisation that this was the first time since 2000 that I had a chance to reinvent myself again, or should I say, finally come out from behind the mask of Snazy, and start being my authentic self again. But what about my anxiety of people, how would I cope meeting new people and working in a new role in a new environment. Was this all going to be too much for me. Especially seeing as from 2020 to 2023 I was convinced I finally knew what I needed to be happy.

Well.... no!
It turns out that it would all be fine. As we approach the current day in this story, I think it is only fair to look at the last six months. Applying for jobs I thought I might like, going through a few interviews and realising how much the employment world had changed, and coming to the realisation that at some point I was going to have to settle in somewhere new, and start over. Eventually I found myself applying for the role I am now in. Bizarrely I felt confident and outgoing throughout the process. There were of course moments of doubt which I shared in earlier blogs, but in general when crunch time came, there were no nerves, just a "go get 'em" feeling inside of me. Which seems to have paid off. 

From day one, I was able to be authentic, myself, and project confidence that I honestly thought I had lost in my twenties around the time I lost contact with Sian. But nope, there it was, like it was yesterday.

I have spent the past few weeks wondering when the bubble would burst, when I would start to feel like the more recent version of myself again, and if the walls would come tumbling down. But it appears I was not giving myself enough credit. It seems that I AM me, this IS me, and I DO feel empowered and determined to not only be my authentic self, but also be the best version of that I have ever been.

Getting to know new people has been amazing, bonds have started to form, my mask of self protection has been left in the locker room, and no defensive walls are being built up. I feel I could actually make a new friend or two here, and for anyone who knows me, the word "friend" is a very powerful and important one to me, so lets see how that goes. 

Last week we had a checkpoint test to see how we were doing, next week we are split up from our training group and thrown into the real world of how the organisation really works. Once again meeting new people and forming new bonds, trusting people to guide me the right way, and even turning my body clock on its head as I work through some different shift patterns. I have two weeks of this before returning to my group and continuing with the classroom training, and again changing my working hours. 

You know the crazy bit? I love it, and can't wait to get stuck in to some discomfort, a hint of panic, maybe a spot of imposter syndrome for a moment. Who knows, but that is the exciting part, the unknown!

Wow I have rambled on for a long time here, but it has flowed out of me so nicely, so I just wanted to summarise what I have learned whilst writing this.

It's not people, it's THE people. Yup I said it earlier and will say it again. It turns out I just didn't really get on with the people I worked with, in the environment I was working in. Who knew it! Well, me secretly I guess, but other than moan about them to others, I did nothing about it. Nor did the company. Instead the group had festered for too long, and the situation had become untenable. In reality, I don't think it was too obvious to anyone, and was just a result of circumstances. 
Circumstances that would be changed with a strange twist of fate, by being made redundant. Who know the universe was SO calculated! So it turns out I wasn't a total fuck up all long. Just had some wobbles along the way, and dealt a few crap hands. 

I am more than aware that most reading this have glazed over while reading, and skipped huge swathes of the blog. But that is OK, as this is simply my record of a moment of clarity I have felt, being shared with the world to read. 

Here's to the future, to new people, making a difference, feeling like I am part of something, and maybe, just maybe, that new friendship blossoming. 

Thanks for reading, now go grab a glass of something!