Tag: autism

Looking for the silver lining.

March 22, 2025 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

Yesterday I had some assessments at work, just to see how my development is progressing, and to make sure I am doing the job properly. I want to start by saying I am definitely still OK to continue doing my role, there are no issues there.

That said, there were some areas of improvement identified, some of which I was already aware of, and looking to get more guidance on, so there are no surprises for me there. However there were some points made which really made sense, so I shall go into a little more detail on this.

The assessments were carried out by different people, the latter being the assessment where I flagged up more of the areas to develop. In the debrief which followed, so  very honesty and frank conversations were had, and neuro diversity was mentioned more than once. Anyone who has read more than a single blog of mine on here will know this is a phrase I am very familiar with, and a subject I am curious about.

A couple of years ago I identified that there was definitely something going on in my brain which made me think and behave a little differently to some others around me. At the time I was mainly focused on the mental wellbeing issues it created, and the anxiety it stirred up. But as I studied it more I realised there was a much larger impact on my day to day life, as well as my past, than I had ever noticed.

So to sit with someone with some knowledge on the subject and have an open discussion about it, as well as have my behaviour analysed from a third party perspective was a really positive thing for me. I have had many conversations with people I know about this topic, but generally with people who are not necessarily in a position to have an informed opinion on the matter. Being able to step back from a friendship and deliver an honest opinion is not always easy, so this setting was perfect. A manager at work, who knows me in general but has the opportunity to observe and report honestly. A genuine game changer.

I have never for one second thought that I would not be supported at work, it has always been clear that my employers are very aware of different learning styles and personalities, but I have always been a little cautious about approaching the subject. Not through shame or embarrassment, but more from being stubborn and too determined for my own good.

My mindset has always been, develop as far as I can, then if I am still in need ask for help. Looking back at that decision it sounds good to me, but in reality probably isn’t the right way to do things, especially when surrounded by so much support. So I am going to do things differently!

In the debrief observations on my processes were made, and comments made on how it appeared my thought process and work flows had occurred. For me, I am generally totally unaware of how these things work, but to have them broken down, and shown back to me was a game changer. I frequently over think things, and am more than aware of that, and have found ways to slow my mind down, and take control back from these spiralling thoughts.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, and therefore have never had the opportunity to address any issues which may exist  within them.

UNTIL NOW! Having now had the chance to digest what I was told, and what we discussed, I can see that I have areas in which I can develop and grow in. If I can understand and take control over how some of these processes work, that could be beneficial to me both in and outside the workplace, so a win-win!

The first step here is to note down the areas which were identified, and take some time to work through them myself. So I feel I am in control of what happens next. The last thing I want is to become part of a process, rather than going through a process of which I have some input in. Being in control after all is one of my traits, as many will tell you!

Next up is to go through an assessment process to better understand these behaviours, and find a way to adapt so I can be at my best all the time. I think I know myself pretty well now, and as far as mental health goes, I have taken a long time to understand the triggers for episodes of depression and anxiety. That is NOT to say I have full control over these, as I absolutely do not! But I have become better at identifying when things are starting to get rough, and take the necessary action to minimise the impact of said episode.

However I have never taken the time to understand my work flow, or some of the more intricate processes in my life. From doing simple tasks, to carrying out complex activities, I have some very set tendencies, and after yesterday I am definitely more aware of them.

So the assessment process. Well that is a bit of an unknown for me for two reasons. Firstly, the NHS assessment, which I asked for two years ago now, and was recently informed that it had never been submitted. Regardless of the apology and the promise of it being fast tracked and hearing back soon, in the couple of weeks since the email… NOTHING! Not a word. Now I don’t expect it all to be taken care of and done in a matter of weeks, but some further acknowledgement would be nice.

Side note, this reminds me of the time I was sent for an urgent assessment for severe anxiety. I was told to go to the local health centre and go to a certain area. I went in, was directed by reception to a room, and there I sat. The appointment time came and went, and nothing. No one came out, no information about what was going on. Almost 30 mins after the appointment time, someone finally came out of the room and said they were sorry and they had been busy. Right, and popping your head around the door 30 mins ago was too much to ask… I’m here for anxiety FFS!

Anyway, back on track. So I don’t expect miracles from the NHS, however there is another route, and this is through work. Thanks to yesterday and my fabulous colleague taking the time to explain things to me, I have a bit of a better understanding of it all. There is a work provided assessment route, which appears to be a lot quicker than the NHS one. First doing a basic assessment, and then if required doing a more detailed one. The outcome of this is fed back through work and used to identify opportunities to change the approach to learning things, the chance to practise and better understand some processes, and in short, used to better my development, whilst not making me feel like a special needs case, or a burden.  That sounds good to me!

Now I want to take a moment to reflect on my initial reaction to the debrief. Obviously there were scores and marks involved , we all love a tick mark, and I am pretty sure the X’s were not kisses showing love for my answers. Generally I would come away from that feeling deflated. Given there were 2 hour long assessments that day, amongst working my shift, mentally it was quite a draining day. Even more reason to curl up in a ball of self pity. But I didn’t! Immediately after the test I was back working the last part of my shift, awaiting feedback. And once the feedback was delivered, which I might add I stayed late for, I happily got in my car and drove home in horrendous traffic.

My coping mechanism, a voice note, a couple of minutes long, sent to a few close people to me who would understand it. (Sorry Lee, we will laugh about that for years to come 🤣) But looking back, what I was actually doing was a verbal blog entry. Saying things to process them and understand them better. It is just how my brain works, and I am starting to understand that part more too now. It started in turn started conversations which helped me better explore the situation. So all in all a a very good process for me.

I have just realised how many times I have said process in the process of writing this entry lol. But that’s it, that is what it is all about, understanding my processes, and how my brain processes things, and identify the times it is different to that of others. Not to make excuses or exceptions, but more to make adaptations so that the end result can be both on par with others and satisfactory to all.

I am excited to learn how I am different to others. Not quirky behaviours that just make me who I am, but the parts which would help if I understood better, to make me a stronger person, and better at my job.

Probably better to leave this one here for now, rather than say “processes” one more time! Thank you for reading this far, I hope it has made some sense. It did to me writing it, and as usual I walk away from the keyboard understanding myself just a little bit more.

The fine line defined

December 5, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

On my current journey with anxiety and my mental health, I have once again made some interesting discoveries. The first being with the medication. I have felt over the past few weeks that the control I have over my moods is all my own doing, and that the relatively low dose of meds might not be worth while. However after a recent late evening wobble, and the panic setting in that I would dwell on it for weeks and not be able to sleep at all that night, I slept fine. Now I am not saying this was all down to the medication, as I know for a fact I was using techniques to distract myself from the subject. However feeling like I was going to struggle, then discovering I was actually doing OK was just a reminder of the mental numbness the meds provide. Ideal for situations just like this. I am happy to report that I have been OK with it all since too, although a little annoyed when it pops back into my head. 

So between the meds and my new found skills and techniques to deal with unwanted thoughts, I have done well, and am thankful to be on the meds. My plan to try and ease off them any time soon has been put to one side, as it seems that this is a good balance for me, especially as my mental clarity returns, allowing me to be able to write and vent again. 

Recently though, while working with the therapist on goals and what I want to achieve from this round of CBT, my goalposts have moved a little with the realisation of a couple of different factors. 
Firstly with setting goals I am encouraged to push my limits and try things I generally avoid. Tackling social situations which cause me anxiety, in order to experience them and learn from them. The aim here is basically exposure therapy, becoming more familiar and comfortable with certain situations, and trying to chip away at the pre event anxiety by reinforcing my thoughts with positive experiences. 

The second part is about me and my familiarity with certain aspects of my day to day life. When something flares up, you tend to focus on that issue, and put all the other things aside for a while. Attributing everything to that one single issue, and making it the source of all evil which needs to be overcome. In all the noise of CBT and the positive strides I am making, I had forgotten about so many other aspects of day to day life for me, and other issues I deal with. Kidding myself for a moment that if I can overcome the issues addressed in my CBT, I will be a new man… But that is NOT the case. 

As my mind clears, and I start to get back to my normal activities, I am able to ask myself questions about what I want from life, and answer myself honestly, without any sort of perfection pipe dream ideas. 

What got me thinking about all this was working from home. Sorry, but don’t panic, it isn’t going to turn into a post about that, although I should say I have not heard a word about WFH since returning to work from my sickness a while back. Not even the promised check in calls. Oh well!
No, instead this is about the isolation aspect of WFH, as many have spoken of MH issues arising from spending so much time alone, you may recall I actually said I had seen benefits. 

I took an afternoon to consider if it was actually having any negative impacts on me at all. On days with crappy weather, with no commute to do, I will generally stay indoors 99% of the day. Maybe spending a while in the garden with the dogs a few times a day, but nothing more. But is that a bad thing? To have a restful day, relaxing the mind and body for a bit? Some would argue that it is detrimental to someones wellbeing to be isolated like that, but in reality it is downtime for me, and something I need plenty of. In fact I would go so far as to say, having this level of control over my engagements with others is a wonderful thing. Another example of how I control my interactions, sending packages. I would rather pay more to send something to someone and use an automated drop box, than go into a local store to drop off something. A tiny interaction, but one I would rather not do. Am I afraid, anxious, or just anti-social, that is hard to say, but I will address it later. But in short, after careful consideration, NO, I don’t see WFH as a negative for me, in fact I stand by my original feelings about it, and I think it is definitely a positive. 

The next thing to look at is socialising, as it is something that my CBT has focused on over the past eight weeks or so. As the sessions have progressed I have been called on to take a look at my social skills, and how they could improve for me. I think the main reason for this goes back to my first talk with the GP, and mentioning being in an office environment made me feel anxious. As we discussed this, she focused on the social aspect of the anxiety, which is fair enough, but we didn’t touch on my more general anxieties, and other bits. This passed over to the MH experts and my CBT became focused on the social part, rather than broader anxiety, and that is how it has stayed. 

As the sessions have gone by, there is no denying I have gained some valuable tools for dealing with social situations I find myself in, however I feel like there are other issues I have, and struggle with that are overlooked by this focus. To this extent the sessions are feeling almost non productive at times now, and dealing with things I would not likely choose to encounter, and avoid for reasons other than anxiety as such. Although it may be generalised as that.

One of the things that I have recently been reminded of is how noise affects me. This is where the divide of anxiety and other starts to show up. For me noise, be it environmental or other sounds such as music, or even just loud conversation, is something that really impacts my state of mind. To be clear, it is not simply loud noises, I love a concert as much as the next person (artist and environment allowing). For me it is more about noise clashes. A few examples maybe

Listening to music, and hearing other sounds, music or conversation over the top of it
Watching TV, and someone speaking at the same time
Busy environments with lots of talking, laughter, screaming. (shopping centres etc)
In short, noise clashes, be they natural or man made. My brain struggles to process them, I get frustrated and then feel almost anxious, and want to escape the area. I have tried many times on focusing on one sound, trying to zone out, but it is very difficult for me to do, especially if I am already in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment. 

This combined with crowded spaces with lots of people moving around is an absolute nightmare for me. With regards to places like concerts, getting in and out is horrible, but actually being there in the moment is fine, or at least worth the effort of staying calm for. Like many things, it is all about the cost to me in mental energy. If it is something I want to do badly enough, I will put myself through hell to be in that moment, and worry about the cost later. But to be in a situation I don’t like, then suffer the same drain of energy feels like a fail and absolute torture. 

With all the above in mind, I am left back at the same point I was before the latest bout of anxiety, and that is wondering what else there is to it, other than just anxiety. 
A while back I considered some testing for other things like Autism. Not for a diagnosis, or any sort of weird labelling exercise, but to better understand what the strange combinations of symptoms and quirks I have, and what they amount to. Just to understand it for myself and help me make better decisions moving forward. So in the new year, after CBT is all done, and I have a fresher head on my shoulders I may once again look into getting some private testing done. Curiosity not cure is my mantra for this. 

When all is said and done, and coming back to the title of the entry, I am keen to discover a few things, such as what is down to my general anxiety, and what is down to something else. What can I have some control over, and what ultimately has control over me. And most importantly, how do I adjust my life/ behaviours, and educate others around me to my particular needs. I don’t want to be the guy who simply dismisses things without trying them, in fear of what might happen. I know that is something I can both control and do better with. But I also know that certain settings are simply not my thing, and regardless of reason or excuse, I wish to avoid them at all costs.

Lots more to say on some of this, but feel I have gone on long enough now and am just rambling, so will call it a day here. I am keen to get a couple of other entries done soon, but going to let the brain rest for a bit, so I don’t write absolute trash.

Interesting side note, I have been writing this during quiet moments between work. Which to me is huge, to be able to switch my thought processed so effectively again is a great feeling. 

Thanks as ever for reading. 

Another day, another dilemma.

July 29, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise “trigger” you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the “yeah yeah I am fine”, but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but “coping” with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying “well yes”, then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on… So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the “severe” score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the “what next” section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to “cure” my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool…. OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn’t change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of “arrrgh I can’t do this” and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time…