On my current journey with anxiety and my mental health, I have once again made some interesting discoveries. The first being with the medication. I have felt over the past few weeks that the control I have over my moods is all my own doing, and that the relatively low dose of meds might not be worth while. However after a recent late evening wobble, and the panic setting in that I would dwell on it for weeks and not be able to sleep at all that night, I slept fine. Now I am not saying this was all down to the medication, as I know for a fact I was using techniques to distract myself from the subject. However feeling like I was going to struggle, then discovering I was actually doing OK was just a reminder of the mental numbness the meds provide. Ideal for situations just like this. I am happy to report that I have been OK with it all since too, although a little annoyed when it pops back into my head.
So between the meds and my new found skills and techniques to deal with unwanted thoughts, I have done well, and am thankful to be on the meds. My plan to try and ease off them any time soon has been put to one side, as it seems that this is a good balance for me, especially as my mental clarity returns, allowing me to be able to write and vent again.
Recently though, while working with the therapist on goals and what I want to achieve from this round of CBT, my goalposts have moved a little with the realisation of a couple of different factors.
Firstly with setting goals I am encouraged to push my limits and try things I generally avoid. Tackling social situations which cause me anxiety, in order to experience them and learn from them. The aim here is basically exposure therapy, becoming more familiar and comfortable with certain situations, and trying to chip away at the pre event anxiety by reinforcing my thoughts with positive experiences.
The second part is about me and my familiarity with certain aspects of my day to day life. When something flares up, you tend to focus on that issue, and put all the other things aside for a while. Attributing everything to that one single issue, and making it the source of all evil which needs to be overcome. In all the noise of CBT and the positive strides I am making, I had forgotten about so many other aspects of day to day life for me, and other issues I deal with. Kidding myself for a moment that if I can overcome the issues addressed in my CBT, I will be a new man... But that is NOT the case.
As my mind clears, and I start to get back to my normal activities, I am able to ask myself questions about what I want from life, and answer myself honestly, without any sort of perfection pipe dream ideas.
What got me thinking about all this was working from home. Sorry, but don't panic, it isn't going to turn into a post about that, although I should say I have not heard a word about WFH since returning to work from my sickness a while back. Not even the promised check in calls. Oh well!
No, instead this is about the isolation aspect of WFH, as many have spoken of MH issues arising from spending so much time alone, you may recall I actually said I had seen benefits.
I took an afternoon to consider if it was actually having any negative impacts on me at all. On days with crappy weather, with no commute to do, I will generally stay indoors 99% of the day. Maybe spending a while in the garden with the dogs a few times a day, but nothing more. But is that a bad thing? To have a restful day, relaxing the mind and body for a bit? Some would argue that it is detrimental to someones wellbeing to be isolated like that, but in reality it is downtime for me, and something I need plenty of. In fact I would go so far as to say, having this level of control over my engagements with others is a wonderful thing. Another example of how I control my interactions, sending packages. I would rather pay more to send something to someone and use an automated drop box, than go into a local store to drop off something. A tiny interaction, but one I would rather not do. Am I afraid, anxious, or just anti-social, that is hard to say, but I will address it later. But in short, after careful consideration, NO, I don't see WFH as a negative for me, in fact I stand by my original feelings about it, and I think it is definitely a positive.
The next thing to look at is socialising, as it is something that my CBT has focused on over the past eight weeks or so. As the sessions have progressed I have been called on to take a look at my social skills, and how they could improve for me. I think the main reason for this goes back to my first talk with the GP, and mentioning being in an office environment made me feel anxious. As we discussed this, she focused on the social aspect of the anxiety, which is fair enough, but we didn't touch on my more general anxieties, and other bits. This passed over to the MH experts and my CBT became focused on the social part, rather than broader anxiety, and that is how it has stayed.
As the sessions have gone by, there is no denying I have gained some valuable tools for dealing with social situations I find myself in, however I feel like there are other issues I have, and struggle with that are overlooked by this focus. To this extent the sessions are feeling almost non productive at times now, and dealing with things I would not likely choose to encounter, and avoid for reasons other than anxiety as such. Although it may be generalised as that.
One of the things that I have recently been reminded of is how noise affects me. This is where the divide of anxiety and other starts to show up. For me noise, be it environmental or other sounds such as music, or even just loud conversation, is something that really impacts my state of mind. To be clear, it is not simply loud noises, I love a concert as much as the next person (artist and environment allowing). For me it is more about noise clashes. A few examples maybe
Listening to music, and hearing other sounds, music or conversation over the top of it
Watching TV, and someone speaking at the same time
Busy environments with lots of talking, laughter, screaming. (shopping centres etc)
In short, noise clashes, be they natural or man made. My brain struggles to process them, I get frustrated and then feel almost anxious, and want to escape the area. I have tried many times on focusing on one sound, trying to zone out, but it is very difficult for me to do, especially if I am already in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment.
This combined with crowded spaces with lots of people moving around is an absolute nightmare for me. With regards to places like concerts, getting in and out is horrible, but actually being there in the moment is fine, or at least worth the effort of staying calm for. Like many things, it is all about the cost to me in mental energy. If it is something I want to do badly enough, I will put myself through hell to be in that moment, and worry about the cost later. But to be in a situation I don't like, then suffer the same drain of energy feels like a fail and absolute torture.
With all the above in mind, I am left back at the same point I was before the latest bout of anxiety, and that is wondering what else there is to it, other than just anxiety.
A while back I considered some testing for other things like Autism. Not for a diagnosis, or any sort of weird labelling exercise, but to better understand what the strange combinations of symptoms and quirks I have, and what they amount to. Just to understand it for myself and help me make better decisions moving forward. So in the new year, after CBT is all done, and I have a fresher head on my shoulders I may once again look into getting some private testing done. Curiosity not cure is my mantra for this.
When all is said and done, and coming back to the title of the entry, I am keen to discover a few things, such as what is down to my general anxiety, and what is down to something else. What can I have some control over, and what ultimately has control over me. And most importantly, how do I adjust my life/ behaviours, and educate others around me to my particular needs. I don't want to be the guy who simply dismisses things without trying them, in fear of what might happen. I know that is something I can both control and do better with. But I also know that certain settings are simply not my thing, and regardless of reason or excuse, I wish to avoid them at all costs.
Lots more to say on some of this, but feel I have gone on long enough now and am just rambling, so will call it a day here. I am keen to get a couple of other entries done soon, but going to let the brain rest for a bit, so I don't write absolute trash.
Interesting side note, I have been writing this during quiet moments between work. Which to me is huge, to be able to switch my thought processed so effectively again is a great feeling.
Thanks as ever for reading.