Skip to content

Tag: anxious

Published on Leave a comment on Things ain’t right!

I know, I know, I said it before, but I just wanted to get things straight in my head.

Since the last entry I have had a week off work, got lots of odd jobs done, achieved a few things, thought a lot, seen friends, been out a couple of times, went to see Michael McIntyre and so on. Plenty of me time is the main thing there. 
Sadly I have also spent a lot of money that I don't have yet in order to get those jobs I mentioned done. I have had a few nice bike rides too, and spent time walking the dogs. 

But with all that said and done, I don't feel right. 
Last night was a prime example, but before I get to that, let me do a quick pupdate.
House training is finally getting there, habits are starting to form, and her true personality is starting to shine through. Much as I had hoped (like my others) she loves being solitary, will take herself off up the hallway, or into the bed in the corner of the living room. She has even taken to sleeping outside at night for a few hours at a time now too. Unfortunately Kallik likes sleeping outside too, and her being out there annoys him slightly, which he vocalises. Sadly that is not ideal at 1am.  It is not her being there that bothers him, but more when she gets ants in her pants and starts wandering around the garden. Work in progress there then, but definitely progress. 

Ironically, for a dog that likes to be on her own, it seems she is a little attached to me. Even when Ann is in she can get vocal if I go out. That said we were out for 3 hours the other day, and not so much as a whisper. It is very sporadic, occasionally we go out and nothing. Sometimes a little moan then nothing. Sometimes nothing then a moan, then nothing, and every now and then she is vocal for the majority of the time we are out. Boredom more than separation anxiety I would say, but can't quite put my finger on the trigger.  Strange!

Anyway, back to me, last night...
Over the past couple of nights there have been a couple of foxes in nearby gardens being very noisy, its that time of year and all. Anyway, Kallik is a big fan of foxes and likes to introduce himself. When he knows they are around he gets very unsettled.
Deciding on an early night last night, I climbed into bed and within minutes the foxes started, Kallik who was in the back garden started and a nightmare begun. I brought him in, but instead of settling he whined to go back out, which wound the others up too.  Nothing I have not been through before, and as irritating as it is, you get by. 

However, last night I could not settle. I think I was more unsettled than the dogs were. Aware of my heart pounding, and still full of food from a big dinner I felt thoroughly unsettled and borderline unwell. Mistaking being bloated for pressure in the chest and so on, I spiralled for the first time in a long time. It was not til about 2am I got back into feeling OK again, and settled enough to get a few hours sleep. On the plus side of all this, Freyja managed almost 8 hours without going out into the garden for a wee, and the house stayed dry, so small mercies and all that. 

The issue lays with the four hours I had to myself, to mentally beat myself up, and over think for the first time in a while. It is amazing what you can come up with left in the company of a mad-man aka your own mind. The bloated feeling got me thinking about health and weight, the over thinking part of it got me concerned about my mental state.

Starting with physical fitness and health. For my age I guess I am doing OK. More active than a large percentage in my age group, good resting heart rate, athleticism isn't too shabby. So they are the positives. The negatives... I eat too much junk food, I am over weight, my BP is higher than normal, and I am cheating myself by not being lighter and faster. Looking back at historic numbers I am heavy and slow now. Where as before I was quite heavy and quite quick lol. Age plays a part, state of mind doesn't help and I will come to that. But ultimately I need to shift some weight. Pretty sure I have said that a lot recently, but I just CANNOT find the motivation to stay on the wagon. I have lost some, but then I lost the enthusiasm. If weight were enthusiasm, I would be 8 stone now!

Then there is the mind, which really is not playing ball right now. I know I have said a few times now that I am doing OK in the face of such big changes, however I am left wondering if I am just putting on a brave face, and am actually struggling. Or maybe that is just me not giving myself enough credit for handling something well. 
I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. In general I feel confident that I will have a job when I am ready. Like I have said, there are offers there, so I can kinda confidently say "I have a job" to go to, just not sure which one yet. In the meantime I continue to look and consider others, occasionally applying.  So it is fair to say I am not putting a face on in that regard.

Possibly one of the areas I am having a bit of an internal debate is what I actually want to do. Out the gate I said I want to make a difference, help with change in people, feel I have achieved something, and that remains true. However I also want to be happy and mentally healthy too, so there is balance to be found. Having worked part time for 15 years almost, I know going back to full time work will have an impact. Morning rides and runs will not be as easy or frequent anymore. I am OK with that, I think. Well, especially as I have recently not been doing that much, which has not helped with the physical side of things, and weight. 

So, finding a new job.... check. Pretty much a done deal. 
Happiness in job / home..... semi check. I have only gone for roles I feel comfortable with, as diverse as a few of them are. 
Freedom.... That is gonna take a hit if I stick with my top 3 jobs.

That is probably the one hitting me the hardest, but the one point I have avoided thinking about too much until now. But as the clock starts to tick down, it is time to give it some thought. And based on some recent conversations, maybe also time to reconsider my top 3 jobs, and give some others some thought too. Things that offer me a little more freedom to organise my day. I don't think I have gone down the wrong path, I just don't think I have looked at any others hard enough to consider them critically, and be 100% certain on my choices.

There are a multitude of job opportunities that offer me more freedom to plan my day my own way. But the trade off is the job satisfaction, and I am not too sure I want to compromise that. Out of the frying pan springs to mind. 

So what is this, or are these other paths....?
Well the first is re-training. Something along the lines of counselling. Rewarding, feel like I am giving back, and something I have some experience in, and some "transferrable skills" (see I do read all the job application forms!! lol). It would require me to do a college course, and get some qualifications. In the meantime I would need to get a less satisfying part time job to allow the study / income balance. But of all the ideas I have had over many years, this is one I come back to frequently. I could even use that skillset in other roles that appeal to me, so a win win. 

The other is back to basics, driving of some kind. Anything is a consideration, from buses, to lorries, to Uber, whatever. Just something I can just get on an do, while contemplating what comes next for me.

All of the above deserve a little consideration, while waiting on the primary list to sort itself out. Seems patience is truly a virtue when it comes to getting the ball rolling with job offers. Three months since passing all the assessments, and still waiting on a placement. Phew, this is intense. 

Anyway, I am going a bit all over the place here. So to wrap this up, I guess what has come out of my head in this writing session is that I need to be kind to myself, not blinker my views on the road or roads ahead, and appreciate that there is a lot going on right now. My life can be viewed as every aspect being suspended in the air like a mobile for a baby. Hanging from strings, bobbing around but going nowhere at the moment. Just waiting for things to actually move to get an idea of what comes next and what it looks like.

God I needed this time to write. Can't say I have discovered anything ground-breaking, but getting it out of my head and into the ether always feels better. The pressure has been released once again.

Now, back to beating myself up about my weight and appearance. And trying to find that illusive bit of motivation and willpower I need to get things moving again. I always say routine is the key, and it is... Just got to find mine. Maybe the nicer weather will help... And of course putting the cakes down!

As ever, thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on So much NOT happening!

Good question, I was wondering the same myself to be honest, as at times I have lost it a bit. First of all I can't believe it has been over a month since I last wrote an entry here, that feels insane. And for my own sake, right now, is probably a little too long for my own sanity. Writing has always been the way I process things, and is the reason I always encourage others going through anything to do the same. 

Anyway, let's have a quick catch up shall we. Now, where do I start.....

Let's start with the fun stuff, the warm and cuddly kind. The puppy, aka Freyja, aka Monster, aka Snooty Toots, aka NO!!! Puppies are always hard work, even at the best of times, but I have to say she has really pushed some boundaries to say the least. House training... getting there, but still struggling a bit some days. Protest pees and poos when she is told off or not given the attention she wants. Occasional crying when we go out. This seems to be increasing at the moment, but is very much a random thing. Some days, 4 hours no problems. Other days, within minutes of walking out the door. Sometimes its a little moan. Other times it can last half an hour or so. And her latest trick, stealing and eating things. Silicone spatula, fish slice, oven mitt.... Just to name a few. On the plus side, it means the surfaces in the kitchen now are much clearer and cleaner. 

So yeah, that is a bit of a challenge right now, and has tested my patience of late. I won't say I am ashamed of being mad at her for it, just a little disappointed. However, with everything going on right now, she is kinda the straw that is threatening to break this camels back. Obviously with me being home for work all day (at the moment), I have a lot more time and experiences with the little shite than Ann does, so I guess it would be unfair to say I am dealing with the lions share, as it is just circumstances and not choices. All the same, some days it is exhausting me, mentally. Then when anything happens when we are both home, I get all precious and feel overwhelmed by it all. 

So I guess I better get to the juicy bits really. Starting with the big bit, redundancy.
I had my second consultation meeting yesterday, and was given a little more information on the situation. A settlement figure for the actual redundancy, a guide of how the timeline would go, and the opportunity to ask questions about the whole process. 

I think the important thing to clarify here is, although we were put on notice of possible redundancy in the second week of Jan. With the knowledge of course that it was actually certain redundancy, but there is a process and all, I know, I know. Either way, notice of the process beginning was given at that time. SO week two of 2024 we were given the notice. We are now on week 11, nine weeks later, and the second meeting has happened. Important to note that there was a first official meeting at the start of Feb.

Yesterdays meeting as I say had a bit more meat on the bones, however technically we have still NOT been officially made redundant, or started our notice periods. The carrot continues to dangle, the uncertainly continues also. What do you tell potential employers about your availability to start a new job. Just take a guess, ballpark it and hope it doesn't affect your redundancy pay-out? Some have decided on some interesting ways of dealing with this whole experience, as expected!

As it stands I now know what I will receive when the time comes. How long the notice period is (12 weeks) and that there MAY be a portion of that paid in lieu of notice. However at the moment I am setting my sights on having to work the full 12 weeks, so any days or weeks I don't have to is just a bonus. The timeline is a little confused by the way the roles at various locations are tapering off, with the last of them being about eight weeks away. The suggestion is (as expected) that there will be a handover period, and a passing of any relevant information or training required.  I guess we wait and see about that.

Now we get to the important part.....me! Me, me, meeee!
Obviously for the past couple of months I have been dipping my toe in the frigid waters of the job pool, seeing what is out there, considering what I can do, and trying to find roles that interest me. The most important thing is I want a sense of playing a part, being involved, and making a difference if possible. Of course I cannot be sure to what extent I can achieve those things, however I want to do something that allows a certain level of job satisfaction, much as my current role does. Being able to help a customer, impact on someones day, or even shape their future. Time will tell I guess. 

I have applied for a few jobs out there. One or two knock-backs, but more positive than negative responses. Having passed the application process for one role I am very interested in, I am just awaiting a provisional offer now, to continue the process. Hopefully it will not be too much longer before I hear back from them, and can accept, and then start the daunting process of references, medical, and vetting. *gulp*

A few other roles are still in the application process, with assessments due soon. I will see how they go, and adjust my horizons accordingly. Annoyingly the notice period, and leaving date from my current employer is not the only pinch point right now. With the waiting period for the primary role I want being quite a long one, that impacts my ability to accept others offers made in the meantime. It is out of my control, and could still all end in tears for me for that role. However I would rather delay making any other moves until I am sure of the direction the primary is taking. After all I am being paid redundancy, so have a certain cushion to allow me some thinking time. No point rushing into misery, just for the sake of securing A job.

All sounds a bit messy doesn't it? Which explains going back to my first point, why my brain is in a bit of a funk right now. The smallest things are turning into big deals, and I suspect that is due to some stress being caused by the other things going on. 

A quick recap at this point..

Puppy from hell terrorising me. Awaiting confirmed redundancy date from work. Awaiting provisional job offer from first choice role. Head in a funk caused by all the above

I think that summarises it nicely so far.

Now I have gotten all that out of my head and onto a screen, I can see what is going on, and how normal it is to be overwhelmed by little things. I think that is always the way, and some people would do well to understand and appreciate. When you feel there are little things bothering you, getting you down, and upsetting you, a lot of the time it is because you are dealing with something else far worse or demanding, and you are simply mentally exhausted. So the slightest little thing sends you over the edge or off on a mad one.

In short I have a load of really important stuff happening all at the same time. Uncertainty, insecurity, confusion and curiosity to name but a few. I am temporarily out of control of my life, and that is not something I am familiar with or comfortable with, so it makes sense that I feel the way I do.
In the meantime I am trying to focus on keeping myself sane, practising mindfulness whenever the opportunity allows. As well as trying to get a grip of my fitness and physical health for whatever may lay ahead of me. I would like to start whatever role I go into with the best possible fitness, and the outlook to improve on it from here on in. 

Hopefully the next few weeks will see some certainty return, and the road ahead will become a little clearer. One thing I can say wholeheartedly is that whatever the next step is for me, I am ready for it, "excited" for the change, and looking forward to learning new skills, and doing new things. 

Now I just have to hope and pray that the poop machine of a puppy can get her act together in the next 3-4 months, and that we can go back to them being OK being left alone for a while each day. Guess I better get practising with all that. 

Thanks for reading, and if you are one of the people I have leaned on recently for a little sanity check, and venting session, thank you so much for taking the time to be there for me, you know I am here for you too.

 

  

Published on Leave a comment on Knowing when to give up.

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !! 

Published on Leave a comment on Cloud of negativity.

Right now I can feel this huge cloud of negativity hanging over me. The other day I said about the differences between depression and tiredness. Today I will take it one step further and reflect on how tiredness can lead to lots of negative thoughts.

The past week has been a testing one for sure. As the week has drawn on, and the tiredness increased, so has the frustration and negativity. It is all part of the same thing, and easy from afar to see what is happening, but each time something even mildly bad (fed up of saying negative already!) happens, so the tension builds even more. 

To add to this, the restraints of looking after the new pup also mean that going out on the bike or for long walks is not so easy right now. My escape route is blocked so to speak. My usual dash for freedom and reset is blocked. Now I am not saying it is Freyjas fault, nor impossible to get out there. There is a second thing blocking my path, weather! 

Obviously this time of year the weather turns quite fast, and with it goes the mood, so getting on the bike and going for a ride is more faff. More layers, deeper clean of the bike after a ride, not to mention a little less freedom in where I go and what I go. Taking pictures is a bit harder with full fingered gloves on. Am I getting any pity yet? No! OK I will carry on lol.

Looking out of the kitchen window as I write this, at 8.30am on a chilly November morning, I can see the outside calling to me, and I do plan to go out there, but I am just watching the outside temp and hoping it climbs quickly so I can escape for a bit. Although deep inside I know it will barely be in double figures today, so not quite sure what I am hoping for here.

Then there is weight... Something that silently creeps up on me and quickly destroys my self confidence, and drive to train more. It is a vicious circle, get an injury, gain weight, lose fitness, feel unable to train as hard as I would like. Eat crap, gain more weight, try to train, get an injury... repeat! In the past few months I have gained about 20lb, can feel it in every way possible, from breathing to fitting of clothes, and desperately want to get back on the right train, but this cloud...

Yup, that damn cloud of negativity hanging over me. Creating doubt, stirring anxious thoughts, doing all it can to keep me in a slump. Stuck in the mindset that home under the duvet is safe and warm, lets just stay here. But truth of the matter is, I don't want to do that, I enjoy being active, I enjoy riding, and running, and most of all I like being healthy and not a fat blob on the sofa pretending the world is a better place if I stay put.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I said the other day, I am not depressed, more self suppressed. This is all my own doing, and all within my control to change it. I am not hating on myself, just recognising an unhealthy behaviour in myself, with the desire to change it. And change it I will... Soon!
I am a strong believer in doing things at the right time. Committing to a new routine when your mind is not in the game is a recipe for failure. Choosing the right time and way to start something new, or make a big change to routine, especially if you depend on routine to get through each day, is imperative.

The next few weeks will see lots of changes. Freyja will be fully jabbed so can start to go out for walks, mealtimes will change a little allowing for more flexibility for me and my daily routine. Being able to walk all the dogs (one at a time) each morning or evening will give me something more to do, and encourage more activity for me. Not to mention that the more freedom will allow bike rides to resume. 

I think the big one to me at the moment is getting running again. I know it has a positive impact on my weight, and mental well-being, and is a quick way to burn off some excess energy, and blow some of that cloud from over my head. Just got to hope my left leg plays ball, and lets me get a few miles in each time. Just to rebuild the self confidence.

Right, enough rambling, time to get ready to go out on the bike, and shake some of the negative shit from the past few days away. 

Thanks for reading. As ever I feel better just for getting this out of my head, but there is more to come, you have been warned!

Published on Leave a comment on Vivid dreams and struggling to focus.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

Published on Leave a comment on Unsettled and agitated.

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Sidenote on medications…

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

Published on Leave a comment on Getting things straight while I wait.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on So, what now? What’s happening?

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on They think it’s all over… CBT

It is now!
After three months, and 12 sessions of CBT, my therapy part of my treatment is over. I have graduated. Completing the course, and learning some new skills along the way. So how was it, what happened, and where am I now. Let's have a look shall we. I will also give a little update on the work situation and the OH/HR saga.

First up, let's take a look at the CBT journey. 
My initial diagnosis and referral to SLAM was for "severe anxiety disorder", that was from the GP, and led to my reintroduction with the system. My conversation with the GP had been very work environment focused, and the issues I felt I faced if asked to return to an office. We touched on my general anxieties too, but from this consultation, and the initial consult with SLAM, it was decided that the main focus of the treatment should be "social anxiety". Indeed this seemed logical given all the immediate issues I faced were people related. 

The first session or two were very awkward for me. A new person, meeting over Teams, and trying to breakdown my automatic barriers with regards to opening up to someone about something so personal. As we got into things, I felt myself relax a little, and just be an open book as much as I could. Open to trying new things, and happy to follow the lead from the therapist. CBT is quite a structured system, so there isn't much room for free-styling the sessions, or too much digression from the path. 

We focused on diagrams, and formulations of how things worked in my mind, how I responded to certain situations, and how my thought processes worked before, during and after encounters with different groups of people. Also taking a look at my beliefs before something occurred, and what my perceptions of myself in that situation were. One example of this was being asked if I was happy to speak to another therapist one on one for five mins, about a random topic. As my previous entry said, this left me terrified.

However, on actually doing the exercise, and looking back at the video of it, things were not as bad as they seemed, in the moment at least. And that reminded me of the complexity of the issues. Put in the situation, with nowhere to run to, my game face went on, my personality went into overdrive, and I faced it head on. Watching myself back I was shining with energy, and came across a lot more confident than I thought I might have. During the debrief I expressed how surprised I was at how comfortable I seemed to be. But an hour or so later, I was reminded of the cost of this display of glitz and confidence, an absolute energy crash.  See it turns out that the shying away from these situations is not just about confidence, it is about self preservation too, and trying to conserve my energy. 

This is something I can look back on and recall clearly time and time again. People will say how chatty I was, or how I looked like I was having a great time, but behind closed doors, for the next day or two I am thoroughly mentally exhausted, and reach a point of not being able to function. Thoughts become clouded, patience is stretched, and ability to focus is gone. THIS is why I refrain from certain environments, to be able to function day to day like a normal human being. 

So looking back at that session and the experiment, it was important to me as it both reminded me, and set in stone my beliefs about my behaviour towards such situations. Possibly not the preferred outcome of the experiment, but to me was invaluable, and something I can say I understand and am happy with the way I have chosen to behave. There is a theme that runs through this whole course which will become apparent over time I am sure. 

As we moved on through the sessions I wavered in my commitment. The build up to the sessions was becoming a source of anxiety itself, and at one point felt like the worst part of my week. Blogging about it, I tried to get some clarity for myself, and see things from an external perspective. I knew in my heart that the sessions were good for me, and as pointed out by a couple of friends, maybe it was the "challenging the norm" that was what I was being defensive about, and they were right. But so was I.
As the weeks progressed, my focused changed a bit, and for a while felt almost incompatible with the direction the course was heading in.  I had shared one of my blog entries with the therapist at one point, so I could give her an insight into my feelings towards the work we were doing. The outcome of this wobbled me a little, when we discussed this the following week. She mentioned that my blog had mentioned her by name, and that she had not consented to this. Reminding me that just like the recordings of the sessions required my consent, mention of her name in my blog also required her consent, and she had NOT given that. 
The name drop had been purely accidental, and in my furious flow of keystrokes, I had written her name rather than "the therapist", however I now felt chastised by the person who was trying to help me overcome my social anxiety, and issues with people I don't know / trust well. Own goal! The rest of the session was awkward, and I spent most of it tuned out, thinking how badly she must now think of me. Counterproductive to say the least.

This was one of a couple of moments in the course that made me feel a bit on edge, and lose faith and focus for a bit, but I am happy to say I stuck with it, and went back for more each session. Except for one. One morning I just could not bring myself to log on to Teams, and sent an email apologising and explaining what I was feeling. Anxious about the sessions, off course with objectives, and a little disillusioned with the process.  As we had passed the half way point with the sessions, I had started to feel that I understood my thought process with regards to social situations. Having challenged myself on a number of occasions for experiments for the course, putting myself in situations I would usually avoid, it was becoming clear to me what I was happy to do, OK with pushing myself to do, and happier just to avoid.

The main take away from these experiments was finding my happy medium, the place I felt I could cope with the anxiety from, whilst maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Not shutting myself away from society, but not pushing myself to become some sort of social butterfly I have no interest in being. This is where the direction we were going in started to seem off. Having discovered these things, the part that affected me the most was the post situation stress and anxiety. The build up to future events is always a little stressful, the thought process goes into overdrive, and panic sets in. The further into the future the event is planned, the longer this panic lasts for. Sometimes weeks of dwelling on things that are yet to happen, and quite frankly insignificant. 

The biggest issue I actually face, and I realised this thanks to the CBT, is after the event. There are three stages of any event, before, during and after (duh!)
Before is variable, the duration can be minutes or weeks, but however long it is, the mind works overtime to create all sorts of terrifying scenarios for me to over think, lose sleep over, and get worked up over. 
During, well obviously that is how ever long the event is, or however long I stay there before fleeing. Game face on, mask on, smile, laugh, make jokes.... Run and die!
After however, now we are talking. Away from the threat, mask off, and back in a safe place, all should be over you would think, but in fact this is where the real damage starts. 

Post event self debrief... Replaying events, and conversations over and over in my head. Rewording exchanges with people, thinking up alternative responses, imagining how I came across, wondering what people thought of me. Had I looked weak, should I have said something different. Hours and hours of reliving an encounter which had lasted 10 mins. Using up more and more mental energy to the point of exhaustion. It is hard to explain the effect of this process on me, other than to say it is exhausting and debilitating. Not to mention the knock on effect for any future situations which bear similarities. 

I am sure there are people out there who will say "over thinking, we all do it". Just like the use of the word depressed or anxious. There are varying degrees of it, and to say "I understand" can sometimes be insulting rather than encouraging and supportive. 

Anyway, I digress a little. Lets get back to CBT in general. 
With the email sent about how I felt the direction was off, I went into the next session a little afraid of how the email had come across. See how this works, I learn to engage, tell a person that is helping me that I need to do something different, then dwell on it, and dread the outcome of the conversation and what they will think of me!
Anyway, I received a reply acknowledging my concerns and saying we would discuss these on the next session. The next week we met on Teams, and I have to say it was a breakthrough moment for me.  The session basically consisted of a one to one chat about the course so far, what I had learned, the direction I felt I needed to go from here on in, and a discussion about general anxiety disorder. It felt liberating to take control for a bit. My first time using that word in this entry, but a word that came up time and time again over the weeks, control. I will come back to that.
The session itself really restored my faith in the process, and renewed my commitment to finishing it til the end of the course. 

A few short weeks later, and this past Tuesday I had my last session, and was officially discharged. Both me and the therapist agree it has been a positive experience, and my achievements are noteworthy. Having had my last session the week before, in the days following I travelled into town on the tube for coffee with a friend in SE1, then walked back to the car afterwards, once on the tube that day was enough. See, learning and knowing my limits.
A few days later I dropped the car for a service, then got a couple of trains home, before heading for a morning hot chocolate with Ann at Costa. Then later in the day getting a train back to collect the car, this time alone. During the train journeys I was able to use my new found skills to distract myself from negative thoughts, prevent a spiral of anxiety, and complete the trips without feeling exhausted or distressed. Quite the achievement for me, and to do this twice in the space of a week, WHO AM I !!

So, back to "control". This came up time and time again in the sessions when explaining what I was feeling in any situation. Loss of control equates to the unknown, which starts the mind going. Conjuring up all sorts of crazy and unrealistic scenarios, which the rational mind identifies and rejects, but the irrational anxious mind takes it and runs with it. Before you know it you are thinking about all sorts of catastrophes, from what was once a simple "as a stranger a question" moment.  My minds ability to go off on a tangent is something quite impressive. A moment of thinking about something simple in the house, can in seconds turn into recollections pf seeing my mum pass away, laying there lifeless. The possibilities are endless. Probably why quite a few of these blog entries go off on wild tangents from time to time. 

Control also manifests when I am in an uncomfortable social situation. If I become loud, and the centre of attention, I can control the direction of the conversation, and exit when I please, so that is where the social butterfly mask comes into play. I can't get away from it, so let's control it. Exhausting as it is, in the moment it helps me maintain control, and prevents my thoughts running away with me. But I can't maintain it for long, and when I over stay, it is like Cinderella at the ball. Midnight is coming, and the world is about to come crashing down.

Anyway, that about sums up CBT for me. A journey I took with a therapist, to get to know myself a little better, challenge the normal, and push my boundaries. To explore my limits, and understand my behaviours. Mission complete, and happy with the outcome. So all is well.......?
GOD NO !!!

I will end this entry here, and do another for the road ahead, and where I am now. You have read enough I am sure.

Thanks for reading, more to follow soon. I mean REALLY soon!