Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me.
Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.
Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told.
Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.
By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!
A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect.
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to.
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.
The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.
In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed.
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.
Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent.
It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.
There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.
"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."
Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself.
With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser.
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for.
The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?
There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.
So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does.