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Published on Leave a comment on Knowing when to give up.

Sometimes in life you can expend too much energy on a lost cause. Regardless of what walk of life it is in, eventually the price is no longer worth the prize, and you simply have to call it a day. The tough part is knowing when that time is. 

Often pride, morals or sheer stubbornness can stand in the way of common sense, and instead we drive ourselves mad trying to achieve the nigh on impossible. And when that happens, it can really take its toll.

So many examples spring to mind right at this moment. 5am on a Saturday morning, lower back pain, tired as hell after already having had a broken nights sleep due to the dogs being arseholes. Sitting here now on the laptop having finally given up on trying to get back to sleep. Taking a quick break from writing this to clear up a nice warm shit the pup has just laid in the hallway, next to the puppy pad, in front of the open back door. The idea of getting back to sleep now is just fantasy.

Having already been up between 00.30 and 02.00 trying to settle the dogs, feeling the back and hip starting to ache more and more. Then finally getting back to bed and watching the clock roll around to 02.30 before finally drifting off, going through the calming the mind process all over again to get a couple of hours sleep seems pointless to me, and dare I say not worth the effort it will take.

My brain has been racing since I woke just after midnight, and quite frankly I can't decide what is more uncomfortable, my mind or my body. When I did try to get back to sleep earlier my brain was already far too active, and as I have said in the past, once the brain wakes up, the fight is over. Unable to stop thinking about the smallest of things, and the smallest thought snowballing into the biggest issue ever, what is the point in even trying. If I do try the thoughts go round for a few minutes, I toss and turn, get frustrated that I am not sleeping, look at the clock, and repeat the cycle all over again. Purposely trying to get my mind to focus on relaxing things, but somehow managing to think of random distracting stuff instead.

Example, I thought to myself, if I can't sleep much more, and wake up near dawn, I will get ready and go for a ride. Daft as it sounds, imagining myself riding along or running, or even walking in a park is very relaxing for me. But then my over active mind says "yeah but which way are we going to ride?" Away the centre of town I think to myself. "OK so along the Thames?" Maybe, that could be a good plan. "But how will we cross the Thames, the ferry won't be working today?" Hmmm good point... "Well we did see that sign that said you can use the DLR to get across when the ferry isn't working, but where are the stations we can use, do we have to carry the bike up and down stairs, how much does it cost, where do they come out on the North side?" OH SHUT UP !!

So even the fun things in life suddenly become irritating when my mind is on a mission to mess with me. I did think of writing this earlier, as I lay there listening to the pup whimpering outside the bedroom door, but I was caught in the cycle of listening to her settle, winding myself up that she was going to start again, finally believing she had settled, then listening to her start whimpering again. So the idea of walking past her to get to the laptop to write this, to clear my head seemed like a bad one. 

Does it sound like I am rambling right now, really going on with too much detail, well, welcome to my brain right now, I am writing it as I am thinking it, and I am sure the keys are melting under my fingers as I try and keep up with the thought process. 

Ironically, as I am calming down, sitting at the kitchen table writing this, getting this all out of my head, I have three dogs sitting under my feet, all fast asleep now. With the pup to my left, and her stomach gurgling like a blocked drain. I dread to think what is going to come out of her next, but fingers crossed it will at least be outside. 

Aaaah, that is a bit better now. Taking a few deep breaths, trying not to inhale puppy gases as they are really unpleasant right now. As the words appear in front of me on the screen, the burden on my brain seems less, however the discomfort on my back and hip and growing by the second. It is a tough balance to find, but right now writing this is the important part for me, so suck it up and get comfy.

There are so many other examples in life of the same thing for me, especially right now. I am sure we all feel the same at times, putting so much mental energy into something, obviously with the best intentions, only to realise it is all a waste and an excess stress on the mind. Fruitless!
It is bad enough just investing time and thought into something without seeing anything for your time, but when the process becomes almost obsessive, being something your brain gets caught up on, driving you to the point of questioning your own sanity.. Well then it is really frustrating and borderline upsetting. Not to mention completely mentally exhausting. Then as you lay there wondering why you feel so wiped out, you realise it was never worth your while in the first place, and the task was completely pointless.

But do you learn from that, nope, not at all. Instead you repeat the same process over and over, with the occasional moment of realisation that you have been there before. Then carrying on driving yourself insane for no good reason whatsoever.

We interrupt this blog writing for some 6am noisy dog play, requiring the dogs to be split up to keep the peace. See it's all go here. Five mins ago they were all fast asleep.

Anyway, where was I, oh that's right, driving myself mad with repetitive thoughts.
So what I am trying to do here is to convince myself and remind my future self that sometimes, "it's just not worth it", and that you need to cut the thoughts off as soon as you realise what is happening. 

To be fair I have gotten better at this when it comes to sleep these days. 5am or beyond I am happy to call it a day, look at my sleep score, sulk for a moment, and start the day. Obviously if it was summer and the sun was up now I could go for a ride, but alas my days of riding at night and in the darkness are behind me, and I find little pleasure in it anymore, unless it is to meet a sunrise somewhere pretty. So instead I have taken to using the early hours to clear my mind, do some mental housekeeping, and be as restful as possible, while accepting I am unlikely to go back to sleep. Ironically this has actually led to me getting an hour or two on the sofa of late. A welcome side effect of not fighting my own mind. Although I could do without the stiff neck. 

With that, I guess it would be an idea to go and stretch my back out a bit, and relax the mind now it has much less in it. Maybe a session of mindfulness with Calm, starting with the Daily Jay, and seeing where my mind takes me after that. Who knows, in a couple of hours I might even get the bike and myself ready, and go find the answers to my earlier questions... Where do we cross the river when the ferry isn't running, and the lifts on the tunnels are not working. DLR here I come. 

Thanks for reading, hope some of this makes sense to at least someone who spends the time reading it. If not, it's out of my head now, so purpose served either way. 
Have a great weekend, and just think, Christmas Day is less than 10 days away... FML !! 

Published on Leave a comment on Trying too hard!

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always try too hard, hell I don't even try to do the right thing some of the time, but every now and then I find myself in touch with my consciousness, and try and do what is right. 

As the years have passed, I have realised that sometimes that is to my detriment. Putting strain on my mental health and state of mind, for the sale of others. Sometimes the others don't seem to be putting as much heart into it as me, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty, rather than tired and full of a sense of teamwork and achievement. 

I had a great nights sleep last night, woke refreshed and surprisingly free of social burdens. Not bothered by much of what has happened of late, and free to think for myself. The clearest thing that came to me was, "why are you doing this to yourself?". The alarming part was I had no answer. 

Beating myself up week after week, overdoing it, not giving myself enough 'me time', and for what! The reality is, nothing, other than sense of doing the right thing. It's all well and good doing the right thing, trying to be helpful, supportive, productive etc, but if it leaves you in a complete mess, and unable to do the things that actually matter, what's the point! 

I had a lovely bike ride yesterday, something I have not had time for for weeks now, and a good morning run to clear my head this morning. So right now, today, this week is about me! And doing what is right for me. Less hours at work, more time focusing on my health. 

I always find myself getting caught up with a feeling of not doing my fair share at work. Working a shorter contracted day than the rest, when things are tough I like to step up. But then when I get in a mess and remember WHY I chose to do shorter hours, the penny FINALLY drops and I realise what has happened, vow never to do it again, and then next time comes around. 

Well I have caught myself this time, and I ain't going down that damn rabbit hole this time. 

 

Right I am off to stretch, do some mindfulness exercises and spend some time with me. 

Have a great day, and an even better week. 

PS there may be trouble ahead...... Lol

Published on Leave a comment on Cloud of negativity.

Right now I can feel this huge cloud of negativity hanging over me. The other day I said about the differences between depression and tiredness. Today I will take it one step further and reflect on how tiredness can lead to lots of negative thoughts.

The past week has been a testing one for sure. As the week has drawn on, and the tiredness increased, so has the frustration and negativity. It is all part of the same thing, and easy from afar to see what is happening, but each time something even mildly bad (fed up of saying negative already!) happens, so the tension builds even more. 

To add to this, the restraints of looking after the new pup also mean that going out on the bike or for long walks is not so easy right now. My escape route is blocked so to speak. My usual dash for freedom and reset is blocked. Now I am not saying it is Freyjas fault, nor impossible to get out there. There is a second thing blocking my path, weather! 

Obviously this time of year the weather turns quite fast, and with it goes the mood, so getting on the bike and going for a ride is more faff. More layers, deeper clean of the bike after a ride, not to mention a little less freedom in where I go and what I go. Taking pictures is a bit harder with full fingered gloves on. Am I getting any pity yet? No! OK I will carry on lol.

Looking out of the kitchen window as I write this, at 8.30am on a chilly November morning, I can see the outside calling to me, and I do plan to go out there, but I am just watching the outside temp and hoping it climbs quickly so I can escape for a bit. Although deep inside I know it will barely be in double figures today, so not quite sure what I am hoping for here.

Then there is weight... Something that silently creeps up on me and quickly destroys my self confidence, and drive to train more. It is a vicious circle, get an injury, gain weight, lose fitness, feel unable to train as hard as I would like. Eat crap, gain more weight, try to train, get an injury... repeat! In the past few months I have gained about 20lb, can feel it in every way possible, from breathing to fitting of clothes, and desperately want to get back on the right train, but this cloud...

Yup, that damn cloud of negativity hanging over me. Creating doubt, stirring anxious thoughts, doing all it can to keep me in a slump. Stuck in the mindset that home under the duvet is safe and warm, lets just stay here. But truth of the matter is, I don't want to do that, I enjoy being active, I enjoy riding, and running, and most of all I like being healthy and not a fat blob on the sofa pretending the world is a better place if I stay put.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I said the other day, I am not depressed, more self suppressed. This is all my own doing, and all within my control to change it. I am not hating on myself, just recognising an unhealthy behaviour in myself, with the desire to change it. And change it I will... Soon!
I am a strong believer in doing things at the right time. Committing to a new routine when your mind is not in the game is a recipe for failure. Choosing the right time and way to start something new, or make a big change to routine, especially if you depend on routine to get through each day, is imperative.

The next few weeks will see lots of changes. Freyja will be fully jabbed so can start to go out for walks, mealtimes will change a little allowing for more flexibility for me and my daily routine. Being able to walk all the dogs (one at a time) each morning or evening will give me something more to do, and encourage more activity for me. Not to mention that the more freedom will allow bike rides to resume. 

I think the big one to me at the moment is getting running again. I know it has a positive impact on my weight, and mental well-being, and is a quick way to burn off some excess energy, and blow some of that cloud from over my head. Just got to hope my left leg plays ball, and lets me get a few miles in each time. Just to rebuild the self confidence.

Right, enough rambling, time to get ready to go out on the bike, and shake some of the negative shit from the past few days away. 

Thanks for reading. As ever I feel better just for getting this out of my head, but there is more to come, you have been warned!

Published on Leave a comment on Time for an update. I GOT MARRIED !

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on Aaah, that’s better.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

Published on Leave a comment on So, what now? What’s happening?

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Another step in the right direction.

Another day, another work meeting, this time with the boss. Following on from my email to work the other day, advising of me being signed off for a while, and asking for updates, we scheduled a meeting for this morning. 

In the back of my mind I planned to write out all the questions I had, and bullet points for anything I wanted to discuss, but due to a lack of enthusiasm to do much at the moment I never got around to doing it. 10 mins before the call I grabbed a pen and pad and sat and looked at it for nine minutes. Writing down one thing. Timescale. 

I have been lucky with managers of late, and my last two have been very supportive when it comes to the crunch, so speaking openly isn't an issue. The last time we spoke the connection was poor and we were cut off, so at the start of this call I checked we were good to go. 

It was nice to have a relaxed chat to start with, catching up about things, and discussing my current situation and state of health. How things are being handled by the doctors etc and what the plan moving forward is with that side of things. Before moving on to the nitty-gritty of the situation with WFH. 

The first subject was the general group / team WFH situation, and where it stands as far as the readdress of the decision. As a group the hope was to remain with WFH, but it appears when the assessments were done, the team was not really understood, and for some reason it was decided to return to the office. Since that announcement the manager and HR have been requesting it be reconsidered, and it appears that it is finally getting somewhere. The hope is apparently to have a decision on the group as a whole in about a months time. 

It was at this point I looked at my note and decided to ask about the time frame of my own situation, and if we were waiting for the group decision to be made before addressing my situation, or if we could push forward with it. 

Given the report is in, all parties concerned have confirmed they have seen it, read it and understand the information within, it felt like there was no need to wait for the group. With all the things that need to be considered for a group of about 16 people, I have a doctors report, requested by work, detailing what my situation should be going forward. The only consideration that really needs to be made is WHO is making the final decision, and WHEN they can take a moment to do that. 

It is fair to say that me and my manager appear to be very much on the same wavelength, and understand the importance of getting this decision made. As well as feeling this and many other decisions are taking far to long to make with no good reason. 

With all this in mind I decided I would try and set a deadline so to speak, and suggested that it would be good to hear something back before my sick certificate runs out. This would hopefully help me with my mental health situation, and bring me back to a level I feel I can function on, and return to work without any further delays or extensions to my sickness period. I feel that is a reasonable comment to make, especially as most of the anxiety is based on the lack of information that has been made available over the past six or so weeks. It is not a threat, more a statement of fact, that knowing what is happening with my work situation will have a profound positive effect on my anxiety, as it already has once, but for the worse. 

The plan now is for my manager to speak to HR again and chase them for their decision. It is likely that HR will need to speak to their manager too, in order to authorise a permanent change. In theory it is quite a simple thing to do, but I imagine there is a lot of paperwork to do, welfare, work place safety, equipment and other considerations. However I have been explicit in saying I don't need it signed sealed and delivered.... I just need an notice of intent for now. A "we will get this done", and then a rough idea of time and what will happen next. Rather than being left in eternal limbo, with no decision made either way, and the constant worry that there are plans being made against me. As stupid as that sounds, that is what my anxious mind says. 

I know HR are a busy bunch, and that even if my manager has emailed them this morning, a reply is most likely tomorrow now (Friday), so any movement on things is unlikely to be til next week at the soonest. Hopefully I will head something back towards the end of next week, any longer and I know already that the anxiety will reach fever pitch again, and we will start the cycle all over again. 

I am itching to get back into a routine again, work / life balance is fragile, and routine really helps with that. But for now I shall relax a bit again now the conversation has been had, and keep my fingers crossed that next week brings news. 

PS, writing later in the evening today seems to be the right way to go. Clearer mind at the moment. Been a tough day today finding the energy to get things done. Simple little tasks that have either gone ignored all day, or simply forgotten about. I tend to move things now to be in my way, so I remember to do them. Must fill the dogs water.... Put the bowl in the middle of the floor etc. 

Right, that's my mind fried from recalling all that. Heres to a relaxing weekend (mentally at least) 

Published on Leave a comment on Nothing makes any sense.

Really struggling today to think straight. Combination of fatigue and just not feeling right upstairs, more the latter I think. Slept badly last night, didn't rest as much as I should have over the weekend, eaten badly, stressed my body any mind over the past couple of days. And to top it off, decided to go for a run this morning, which in retrospect was a silly idea taking into account all the above! But hey, when will I learn. 

Really started the day off in a shitty mood, couldn't care less about anything right now, very much an "aaah fuck it" approach to the day. Not sure why my mood has taken such a swing like this, but I can feel it and it sucks hard! Even on the run this morning I kept having little mini stops, and the voices in my head just said "quit, just walk, fuck running!" I pushed back and finished the run, which usually gives me a sense of achievement, and lifts me a bit, but not today.

Instead I am hot, tired, and most of all distracted by my own thoughts. Unable to have much of a thought process, which makes working rather difficult for me. The simple tasks seem fuzzy, the smallest irritation is a massive deal, and my patience is absolutely non existent. Right now, my one desire is to curl up with the dogs in a dark room, have some gentle ambient sounds, and let everything else just dissolve away. No Ann, not you. Even the most simple of tasks turns into a fight for concentration. You know when you walk into the kitchen and forget what you went in for? Well, its the same process for almost any task I start at the moment. Pick up your phone, no idea why. Walk into the hall, forgotten where I am going. Open a window on the PC, now what, how do I do the task I am trying to do?
Hence hiding is preferential. 

I have wavered for the past few weeks about my state of mind, and how things have been since the little matter of WFH ending. Up and down is definitely one way of explaining it, but more accurately I would say pretty stable, just with the occasional fall of a huge emotional and mental cliff. It is hard to explain, it is almost like a switch being flipped, for no apparent reason, or so it feels. Maybe its just excessive mental load, that is the only thing I can put it down to.

Lots going on, fingers in all sorts of pies, meanwhile the worry of work rumbles on, and I think all put together it is just causing me to shut off from time to time, to in some way protect myself from dealing with too much in one go. I think it really becomes apparent to me when it starts to affect my "go-to" activities. Saturdays ride felt like far more of a chore than it should have been. Sure it was hot, and I ran out of energy. But the after effects of just wanting to hide for a bit in a dark room were not so much physical than mental. 

Same again with running this morning. I know I have felt hot and exhausted before. Reading through notes on previous runs shows that. But what gave in this morning was the mind, not the body. And to me, that sucks. Running and riding are my escapes. When all else goes wrong, I escape with them, but right now, my mind is pushing back, almost as if it wants to fall further and go deeper down the rabbit hole.

My response to all of this, well this is going to be tough for sure. Staying as positive as I can, and trying to remain objective is key. See through the distraction and darkness, and find the positives in all the situation when subconsciously I am trying to quit and shut down. Stay aware of myself and my feelings, and respond in ways which are for my own sake, and not that of others. 

The work part, well that is a tougher situation. On normal days it is bad enough to stay objective and deal with issues as they arise. But right now, with my head in a funk, dealing with an absolute shit show of a location, and with the WFH situation looming. Just the idea of logging on is an effort and one that feels counter-intuitive if my own well-being is my main concern.  I have my Occupational Health appointment tomorrow afternoon, so will have to write down some notes about what is going on. Otherwise right now, I would just be like a nodding dog, and have nothing constructive to add to the appointment. Which would be bad for me I am sure. 

So much to think about right now, the more I write, the more I realise, so I guess at least this is helping (as usual)

I will leave it there, and will start to make my notes for tomorrows appointment. Maybe feeling this way right now is a good thing, as it helps me see clearly how messed up my head is actually getting about all this. Ya think?

 

Thanks for reading. Here's to things getting better. Have a great week all. 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Another day, another dilemma.

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...

Published on Leave a comment on To medicate, or not to medicate….

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading.