That paradoxical moment when you realise how anxious you are getting about seeing your GP about your anxiety! Seeking help about a debilitating condition, but feeling almost incapable of having that conversation with the person who can actually help you. In fear of the reaction and response you will get from that person. You really couldn't make this up. But thankfully it is not the first time feeling this way.
I know good trumps bad here, and that ultimately the doctor is there to help and guide me through this time. They have done it before and can do it again. Having run through this exact scenario at the RCGP many times in aid of helping students learn, you would think I would be well practised. Well in that regard I am, but it doesn't make doing for real any easier.
There have been a couple of times over the last decade where I have felt that the GP and I didn't connect in the way necessary to build trust. I didn't feel comfortable enough explaining to the GP what I was honestly feeling, started to feel stupid, so popped the cork back in the bottle of emotions. That can really set me back. But fingers crossed this wont be the case today.
The second part is when the GP asks you what YOU want them to do and help with. When doing this in scenarios, it almost felt stupid to be asked what you wanted. Especially if this was your first time feeling this way, you would not have a clue what you were going through, and what was wrong, let alone what was available to help you. But I get it... Once you understand that they don't all want to force meds or treatments on you, and are asking how you would like to tackle the issue, it makes more sense. If only there were an easier way of going about it. Maybe running options by you, expressing their preference and then asking if you would rather go a different way?
But here I go, already 3 steps ahead of the whole process, and I am not going for another 2 hours! I just want to relax a bit, and stop running doom scenarios, and stressing myself out more. But, if it were that easy, I would not need to see the doctor in the first place eh.
What I want from today is to create a safety net, if things slip further, to have options and a plan in place. For when my mind can't quite do these things as well anymore. If I really start to spiral, to have considered that meds are the right way to go. If I need to take a time out, and take time off, so be it, and whatever happens after that be prearranged by me in a state of sound mind, so none of the decisions are knee jerk or irrational.
In my head I have thought through and discussed with myself the worst case scenarios re work. I know if it all goes wrong and gets too much, leaving IS an option, and not an irrational one. There is a plan there of what I would do next, how I would get by etc. More importantly though, there is a bigger more hopeful plan in place to not reach that stage. To find a way to move forwards, and not have any dramatic changes. Compromise can be found if both parties are willing. And seeing the GP today is the beginning, and works fine in either scenario.
So I guess what I am saying is, this is a necessary evil that I have to go through, and a conversation I am dreading, but must happen. The only unknown now, for the next 2 hours at least, is which doctor I will see, and what their attitude to mental health is.
If you are reading this after 14.30 on 27/07/22 then I have seen the GP now.
I am sure there will be another entry a bit later on, maybe today, maybe in a few days, depending what state of mind I leave the doctors in.
It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the "just another half hour" of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.
Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It's not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn't want to give up.
Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn't seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety.
I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a "disability"? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time.
In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can't do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway.
In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can't deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of "I might not be able to do this soon", which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn't too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable.
One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead.
Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don't suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge.
Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.
*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading.
It's been over 2 years in the making, a long time sitting in the back of my mind, but the day is upon me.. Today I have a meeting regarding returning to the office. The company has been great up to this point. But apparently after a long process, the groups who will remain working from home, those who will have hybrid arrangements, and those who must now start planning to return to an office.
Sadly, for some reason, as of yet unknown to me, it has been decided that my workgroup is NOT compatible with a WFH or hybrid arrangement, and we must therefore return to the office. To say this has wobbled me would be an understatement.
On hearing the news, I can honestly say my mental and physical health has taken a massive hit. Sleep has gone out of the window, stress through the roof and my anxiety is at a level I can't remember having for a long time now. All because for some reason, after almost 2 and a half years, suddenly its not possible for us to do our jobs from anywhere else but a shared office space.
So confused right now, as the group has worked better in that time than ever before. Sickness is almost non existent, and productivity and flexibility is much higher than it has ever been. Yet somehow this is NOT good enough.
I have a meeting in a few hours time, where I will get to raise my concerns about this decision. So to try and keep my brain under control til then, as well as writing this entry, I have written a huge list of issues I have with the decisions, and questions I would like answering before agreeing to anything.
Ultimately it is the companys decision, and if I want to remain working there, unless a compromise can be found, I don't really have a choice. But that's the problem, I kinda do have one choice, and that is to resign.
The question that poses though is, if I resign because my employer has been unable to negotiate and compromise with me, to a point where I can still work without it causing me excessive stress and anxiety, and triggering an MH episode, then is that "legal"? Given the past 30 months have demonstrated that I can do my job effectively from a separate office environment, and that nothing has significantly changed to require anything different from me, I struggle to see the "fairness" in this.
I know some reading will say I'm being precious, that I managed before, Covid, and am just being unreasonable. But then I would argue that you have never made a change for the better in your life, and subsequently realised how bad things were before you changed them. Just because you can and have done something one way for a long time, doesn't make it the right way, the best way etc. It just means that you have not explored other ways.
So now I get ready for the meeting, try and get my point across, and then start the ball rolling for other options. As much as I know the rest of my team would also remain working from home, this meeting and subsequent moves are very personal, and I shall be making MY case, and no one else's.
Watch this space, and keep your fingers crossed for me eh.
It is amazing how fragile the status quo of the mind can be. One minute you are whistling along, all is fine and dandy, and the next... Well, in a flash you are where I am right now. Overwhelmed, irritated, stressed, over-thinking etc. You name it, that is what's going on in my head right now.
I have no idea what is going on, just know that since this morning I have felt incredibly low and stressed, and as the day has drawn on it has just spiraled. To the point, the smallest of things are weighing heavy on me. I am obsessing over trivial things, and having doom filled conversations with myself.
Fresh back from a week away in Svalbard, it is only natural to hit the ground with a bump. That said, Monday and Tuesday felt OK with being back at work. The break was nice, but getting home and back to normality has always been a nice thing too.
As the years have gone by I have gotten better and better at picking up on the little signs that things are starting to wobble a bit, and right now I think that is where I am at. It's not rock bottom, in fact it is far from it, in general things are good. It is just the amount of anxiety I am feeling over nothings. Out running earlier, and walking just now, the people around me felt like they were getting close for no reason other than to wind me up. The familiar "what are people thinking about me" is back too, although not too badly at the moment.
So many external things out of my control, so many little things that are getting to me for no good reason, and of course my old favourite, the self loathing, and doubting. All signs that things are not right, and time is of the essence. So it is time to jump off social media for a bit. At least the parts which I engage with others, at least for now. Maybe hang on to Insta to share a few bits for a while. But for now, this is me time.
Not a cry for help, not a pity me, just a me me me. If I need to talk to anyone, rest assured I will as ever reach out to those I know and trust. In the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet from me.
Since around Xmas time, the same question has been on my mind, and as the weeks go by it is frustrating me more and more.
Without beating around the bush, it's a simple one. Do I continue to do the RCGP sessions? If you don't know, I work with the Royal College of General Practitioners (RCGP) a few times a year, doing sessions with med students who are learning to work in the GP environment. Doing staged consultations, as an expert patient, presenting with symptoms I am familiar with, i.e Depression and Anxiety. I have done this for a few years now, and while I find it pretty bloody stressful, I also take some comfort from the fact that I am helping others to understand the conditions, and maybe help them be in a better position in the future to help future patients.
I have said time and again, I find the sessions exhausting, more mentally than physically, and sometimes it can trigger a bit of a wobble for me. However, I really love the engagement with the students, being able to talk about bouts of depression, and dealing with day to day life with severe bouts of anxiety. So you can see where I am going with this. There are genuine pros and cons.
Each session I do requires me to take a day off work, for the physical sessions which are now returning, I also need to travel to Central London for the day, and pay for transport or parking. In return I get to stretch myself outside comfort zone a little, engage with the next generation of GP's (some of them anyway), and explain from a first person POV what it is like trying to live when things are bad. I don't for one second think this is an unfair balance. I also get an Amazon voucher for my time, so I am very grateful for that.
A couple of months back, I was approached by one of the teams at Kings College London (KCL) about the possibility of doing some sessions for them too. At the time I was in one of my more positive frames of mind, and really keen to get back to doing what I could for the cause, and was happy to talk to more people about living with depression and anxiety. I have to say the first couple of experiences were a little daunting. New people, new procedures, and the likelihood of becoming a lead in a session of my own at some point. For someone with anxiety, that's a big change and ask. But looking back, I went through the same when I started working with the RCGP too.
Over Xmas and the New Year, I had a bit of a wobble, and my head went a bit funny, and I started doubting myself. Not only taking on work with KCL, but also questioning my continued work with the RCGP too. A technical error on the last KCL session left me unable to participate, and in that moment I panicked a little about what the hell I was doing. I was out of my depth, completely out of my comfort zone, and floundering. I made my apologies and bowed out quickly, then spent the next few weeks contemplating. So, here I am!
To compound things more, I contracted Covid a couple of weeks back, which coincided with the first RCGP session of 2022, so I missed that too. The longer I have been away, the more I have doubted myself. I have always said as soon as you start to have doubts and questions about something, it is time to get out. But it just doesn't sit right with me.
I am not irreplaceable, I am sure there are plenty more people who could and would do the sessions in my place. I don't think it is about ego and having some sort of bragging rights either. To me, when feeling positive about things, I love the idea that I am able to help people understand what others are going through. Be it blogging to let others struggling know they are not alone, or explaining to someone, whilst in a rational state of mind, what it is like to be in that situation, and how doctors and the medical world can best help those struggling.
It is ironic that something that I do to help with mental health has caused me sleepless nights, hours and hours of painful contemplation, and yet still it isn't a simple "I'm done" in my head. I need to be sure of what I do next.
Pros Rewarding, enlightening, educational for others
Cons Tiring, uses annual leave, travel stress
I know I have made an impression on some of the students in the time I have been doing this. I know deep down inside I want to continue to help anyone in any way I can. Teaching, counselling, sharing. But I would be lying if I said it doesn't come at a cost. So I am stuck!
I am away in Svalbard for a week mid Feb, so think I will take that time in the arctic to weigh it all up, without any other pressures, and go from there. But am always interested to know what others would do in a similar situation. I'm not a martyr, not a hero or a saint, but I know I make a tiny bit of a difference, and like a dirt devil in the desert, I know from small things, big changes can come.
I guess it's just the time of year more than anything, but my head is getting into a funk, more and more each day. Looking back I can see a pattern, winter, darker, gloomier days, and the mood to suit. Perfectly normal really, many of us are in the same predicament I am sure. Difference for me is, it is the catalyst for spiraling down into the doom and gloom of my mind.
For years now this time of year has been horrible for me, going right back to losing contact with my daughter, and completely losing the Xmas spirit that goes with parenthood. So I am not sure if it stems from that, or just part of my normal mood swings these days. It was around Xmas of '98 I lost touch, so it seems obvious to me that Xmas would bring feelings of bitterness in general. But as the years have gone by, and I have enjoyed it less and less, there also seem to be parallels to the fakeness of the whole season.
Commercialised rubbish, people feeling duty bound to say festive things, and be even more fake than usual. Having family, friends and relatives that you spend the whole year avoiding, thrust into your face. I struggle with people at the best of times, but at least when I do engage, it is with genuine people for good wholesome conversation and company.
So here I am, the 2021 slump is here. The past few weeks, I have slowly lost a lot of my usual drive and motivations. Exercise is still alive and well, but I noticed last week I was pushing maybe a little too hard, so made an effort to back off a bit this week. Distraction is fine, destruction less so. I am at the point at the moment of stalling with the motivation to get going. This morning for example, I was meant to be observing a session with KCL, but the slightest opportunity to back out of it was enough of a temptation to cancel that. Instead opting for a run.
I haven't run as frequently as I have been of late, partially down to aches and pains, a little exhaustion, and mainly the change in the weather and mood. The idea of being out there puts me off. Although as I write this I realise it's not the weather at all. I have been running at about 7.30-8am recently, and that is school run and commute time. This means lots of people, which in my head equates to over thinking and over reacting, much as my last blog said. So maybe, just maybe I need to get out earlier?
This time last year my sleep was terrible and I was out running at midnight, so I went into winter conscious of this, and keen to avoid disrupted sleep again, which is why I aimed for later. Hmmph, maybe 6am is a better idea? I think I need to experiment a little with timings.
So that is one part of the issue I guess, the other is my head in general. Little patience, short tempered, easily distracted, lack of focus, the list goes on. Recently I have looked into what other than anxiety and depression could be contributing towards my state of mind. It's not a temporary thing, it is very much all year around, but sometimes exacerbated by external influences, such as time of year. The findings have been interesting to say the least, and the outcome of some of the tests equally interesting. I am not looking for a label, to belong, to fit in, nor an excuse for being the short tempered introvert I sometimes am. Just some understanding of it all, and to see if there are things I can do to try and make life a little easier for myself at times like this.
Today for example, after avoiding the meeting, and going for a run, I thought I would come home, have a lay down and relax for a bit. So I hopped back in bed for half an hour. However, 5 mins into this half hour of rest, I decided I needed to wash my running gear, so got up and put a wash on. Then went to slump in front of the TV for a bit. But was distracted by dust on the cabinet, so got up and cleaned it. Returning to the sofa I decided the floor needed cleaning too so grabbed the hoover. While I have the hoover I might as well do the rest of the house, so I did. Returning to the sofa, now the dog hair on the throw was bothering me, so I took it to the garden to shake it off a bit. On the way back to the front room I thought, "sod it I might as well give it a wash". So stopped off in the kitchen, put my running gear on to dry, and the throw in for a wash... An hour later, and I managed to finish watching what I was watching, and have now put the 3rd load of washing on for the day.
Can you see the pattern I can? Obsessive behaviour created by the inability to focus and relax for 5 mins, in the fear of being left alone with my thoughts. Finally, I get to sit down, because it is time to work. Paid to be distracted for the afternoon, it almost feels like respite!
It is this cycle (not the wash cycle) I am trying to learn to avoid, and train myself to spot early on. My anxiety is not always about being around people, but sometimes it's about being alone with my thoughts. My own mind is probably the most damaging thing to my mental state, and its own creations are usually my downfall. Whether it be spiraling out of control with premature anxiety about something that has not even happened yet, or dwelling and over thinking something that has already happened, and no amount of thought can change the outcome, my mind can do it all, and it is crippling.
I still to this day get caught up over thinking a situation that happened in 2016. Something I still to this day do not understand the reasoning for. No idea what I did wrong, but know the outcome and exclusion upset me to such an extent I can't let it go. Worse still is the thought of confronting the situation, and the subsequent discussion being even more damaging, and adding to the distress it already causes. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. There are many more things like this that I can't get my head around, but can't let go of either.
In a rather cold way, I guess that is one of the reasons I have always been so "at ease" with death. It happens, it's final, you can't change it. Sure you never get to speak to that person again, but you know why, and you know you can't change it, end of. It seems such a crass thing to say I know, and realise it affects people so deeply at times, but maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I process it that way?
Every year I write blog entries like this, desperate to find an escape from myself, and every year I realise it is not going to happen. Am I depressed? By my definition, no. Certainly not to the extent and depths I know I can fall to anyway. So I try to see it from the normal perspective that it is cold out, not a lot of daylight, and normal activities are harder to do. So find other things to do, new things to focus on, and other more productive and healthy things to keep my mind occupied.
I guess what is present is anxiety. Anxious about my inability to cope with the simplest of things. Becoming overwhelmed at the drop of a hat, and at such insignificant things. Routine to me is everything. It is what keeps me functioning day to day. Breaks from that routine, even the slightest change can cause my day to crash and burn in a flash. Positive one moment, then dwelling the next about why I was not able to do what I wanted and had planned. My day off the other day a great example of this. I had planned to do a ride, but the weather said otherwise, therefore I had nothing to do, but sit at home with my thoughts, and from there it cascades like an avalanche.
What I need to do is plan ahead, know what I am going to do when the seasons change in advance. Have a back up plan for my plans for days off, just in case. With that said, I have been thinking about getting a rowing machine for a while now, to mix up my training plan a bit, and work on the core a bit more. But as usual the world conspires against me (I joke, although it feels that way some times), and the prices have gone up, and availability gone away, so that has upset the balance for me too. My thinking is a rower is something to distract me, lower impact so I won't destroy myself on it, and will be a perfect option for breaking up the fitness routine, especially when the weather isn't playing ball.
Meh, this is dragging on isn't it? But as usual writing and thinking about what to write has answered some of my own questions to myself. Still I am left with many more. One day I will understand myself a little better, and hopefully a few days break over the Xmas period I hate so much will do me a little bit of good. Relax the mind, get some fresh air, and hit the reset button. Here's hoping anyway.
Thanks for reading as ever, I am going off to think deeply again now, and hopefully get myself out of this funk a little bit.
Hurrah for summer, it has finally arrived, after a long wait. Unlike last year, when summer sprung itself upon us early in the year. The wait this year has been torture. But now it is here, it brings with it a few things.
The temperature went from 6c daily average to mid 20's in what seemed like a day. Hot, sweaty, and irritable, summer me is here too! Unfortunately, the weather and date also brings with is uncertainty, anxiety and stress. More people back out and about, restless nights, and decision time. Like my head needs much more to get in a knot about right now. Morning runs are hectic, with lots of people out and about, so today I decided on a much earlier run. Quieter roads, but less sleep. Moan, moan, moan, I know!
But front and centre of all of this is June21st. The date the UK Government has set for step 4 of the roadmap out of lockdown. In turn, it is the final stage of the process before finding out what the masterplan is regarding Work From Home. Up until now, with things moving so slowly, it has been pretty bearable. However with the final step just weeks away, the dread and fear that work might say "back to the office" completely consumes my every waking moment. Or at least that is how it feels.
There has been a lot of positive talk about a new approach to how our roles are carried out. If we need to be at a certain location to carry out our jobs effectively. If the new work/life balance that so many, including myself, have found, plays a part in the road ahead. Talk of flexible working, spending time between home and office, sounds delightful for the main part, and 18 months ago I would have ripped the hand off that offered that to me. However, now, well now is different.
After 15-16 months or so of working from home, so many answers are clear. Can we operate effectively, yup, through a pandemic, through peak service, and through so many other challenges. Working from home has not caused a single stumble. In fact, when the brown stuff has hit the fan, being close to my work PC, has actually benefited the company. With almost instant access to systems, to get stuck straight in. Communication between the workgroup has improved, with time now allocated on team catch ups, where as before things were less structured. And so many other positives to be found.
I realise that is all well and good, however work are paying the wages, so get to make the decisions to best suit the business, I can't argue with that for a moment. Seeing how chalk and cheese the plans of many large companies are make me feel it could swing one of two ways, or of course just hang dead centre, and there be no change required. I say no change required, as I appreciate there are two sides to every story, and we all have our own stories of the pandemic to tell. Some have dearly missed the contact and face to face communication of their workgroups. Feeling isolated and trapped at home, with no outlet for their thoughts. For others, working from home has posed huge challenges to the requirements of their role, making life so much more difficult. For those groups of people, I hope that the road ahead offers contact and respite from the pressures faced over the pandemic.
But let's be real for a minute, this is my blog, and about my feelings and thoughts, so back to the nitty gritty. I simply don't want to go back to working in an office. This time of year, and the rise in temperatures just reminds me of the years gone by, squabbles over use of the aircon, too hot, too cold, windows open or closed.... Til the AC system just breaks (multiple times annually) and we are left wishing we had just agreed and left it be. Last summer and this summer so far, I open my window when I want, heating on when I want, AC on.... you get the picture.
Although we have had lots of work done on the house in the past year, I have not had to take any time off for it, nor deliveries, and rarely for any medical appointments, as its all close to home, and can be worked into the working day.
Anyway, enough procrastination, I think I have made my point. I am terrified that we will be told to return to the office. I have grown very comfortable with my own space, and environment, and the thought of sharing that with others again is dreadful. I am bad enough being around people I choose to be in the company of, let alone those I am squashed in with in the name of work.
The next two weeks are going to be horrible. I am already sinking myself into a destructive cycle of running and cycling. Doing my best to enjoy myself, rather than damage myself. Sleep is getting worse, quiet moments of the day starting to be consumed by spiraling negative thoughts. The smallest thing now spins up the whirlpool of the mind, and turns it into something dreadful and scary, without even giving it a chance.
Hopefully, in a couple of weeks time, we will at least have a solid idea of what happens next. Does the rumoured ultra flexible new system come into play? How much flexibility will there actually be? I guess time will tell now, and in the meantime all I can do is hold tight, and wait and see.
It is good to know that some around me understand my fears, and that in general, line management are happy with work from home as it is, or at least that is how it seems. Keep your fingers crossed please, and lets hope that as much as possible, the road ahead offers everyone what they need to keep them sane, and able to do their jobs to the best of their ability.
Thinking back 24 hours, my head was in a totally different place. With the past couple of weeks taking their toll, and having no outlet, things were starting to boil over. Since writing that blog entry and clearing my head a little of all the issues that were weighing me down, things have been much nicer.
Just getting into bed now, I feel lighter (if only I felt that way physically too!) with less weight in my shoulders, less pressure on my mind. I feel I am more able to relax. Work today was much easier, able to focus on things and, and multi-task where I needed to. It is truly amazing how much difference a little pressure makes our lives.
I am already preparing my mind to unwind and let go of all the stresses of the day, so here's to a good night's sleep.
On a side note, my hayfever has been a lot better today too, which also has tremendous bearing on my state of body and mind. Just going back through some data, and over the past week, my resting heart rate has increased by 1bpm per day. Today it went back down a couple. So again, a small contributing factor to the whole well being situation.
I have chatted with some great people today, a bit of banter, a little in depth conversation, just the right balance to help see things from a valid perspective, rather than one of a heightened and stressed view.
I know for sure I want to get out on a bike again soon. Maybe just a little solo spin to get my mono back. My anxiety is doing a great job of making me want to avoid the majority of the human race right now, so won't push that one too hard any time soon.
So here goes, lights out, relaxing sounds turned on, and maybe the fan for some background notice and cool air.
Night night.
Oh, PS.. I haven't forgotten about weight. Work in progress.
With so much going on in the world recently, and a somewhat intense 2020 so far, it is easy to lose track of oneself. Usually self help checks keep me on my game, but with time taken on other more pressing matters than my own well-being, it has been a time where I have let things slip. And now I am left wondering just how much has slipped by un-noticed.
At the start of the year, after getting my head back out of the sand from Xmas and all that comes with that, we moved straight on to the first event of the year being the trip to Svalbard. As I am sure most are aware, Ann (my better half) suffered a somewhat catastrophic accident in the first few days there, resulting in an airlift, a trip to the hospital, emergency flights home, and being operated on and hospitalised within days of arrival back in the UK. The road to recovery is long, and the first month or so of that was very intense. So naturally, and completely unbegrudgingly, I got stuck in, and focused on her recovery.
At the same time, my chest had been bad prior to the trip to Svalbard, so I had not been cycling to work as usual, but instead driving. So on my return to work, and keen to spend as much time at home caring for Ann, I chose to continue to drive to and from work. I have to say by this point I was getting a bit lazy anyway, so it was a great excuse.
Now cycling for me has always been a good escape, a chance to think, burn calories, and breaaaathe!! So three months in to the year and no cycling, well that's not good!
Mid to late March, and Covid-19 became a reality, so in a last minute rush, a work from home scheme was set up, so commuting on the bike became unnecessary, so even less opportunity or inclination to ride a bike. It's not going well at all. Needless to say, we all know how things went from there. UK lockdown, restrictions on activity and being outdoors, as well as an extra nudge from my wonderful introvert mind, and that was me done with going out.
A few attempts have been made along the way. In March just before lockdown I managed one single ride on the new bike in Richmond with Jason, then that was me done with outdoors. So, onto the trainer, and for a few weeks I got stuck in with Zwift, then a few things happened and interest started to fade again. Next up, running. By this point I am more than aware I am gaining weight, eating crap and not doing enough activity to balance not only my mind, but also my body. More weight piling on, and less and less inclination to do anything about it.
Now here we are in early June. More weight gained, all efforts and activities have completely ceased now, my interest is near rock bottom, but my frustration is through the roof. Once again fat, a noticeable change in my resting heart rate, I feel heavy and slow, and a huge part of me is struggling to get back on my feet. But that tiny powerful little part of my mind won't let me. Am I making excuses, and I getting too old for this "get fit" shit?
I will go with the former for the majority of it, it's just in my head, and I am just making excuses. Sure, I was going to give P90X another go, but by week 4 I was struggling with recovery, starting to skip sessions or part of, and really fighting to find the willpower to push through the discomfort. Partially because I know previously discomfort has led to long term pain, not something I want to repeat right now, especially with restrictions on physical treatments.
Sleep is suffering, falling asleep in pain and discomfort, and waking the same way, day after day. It's not how I like living my life, and I am desperate for a change. But without the motivation, and willpower to drive me, I am at a total loss on how to do this. In the past it has been a challenge to myself, prove something great, and achieve something greater. Right now it just seems like too much effort for not enough reward, and my mind just shuts me down as soon as I start thinking about it.
I don't want greatness, I don't want the bulk of the past, I just want to be healthier, and feel it both mentally and physically.
Deep inside, I know my lack of cycling is not helping at all, in fact it is one of the huge contributors towards how I am feeling right now. But with a "bottom of the pile" feeling, similar to how I felt on the first couple of days of London to Amsterdam, there is bugger all motivating me to get on a bike right now. Sure I have the trainer, but in this case it's just not the same. I need physical exhaustion to help settle me, but I need air and freedom too. But outside, isn't where I want to be right now, and people are my kryptonite. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. All that bulk I have put on probably isn't helping me struggle my fat arse free!
So as I sit here late at night, after an evening of watching Titan Games, making me want to try harder, and overcome my negativity, and watching dream bike builds, hoping to inspire my love and desire to get back on my bike, I am left feeling a little lost.
Am I spiralling here, am I off back down the rabbit hole? Or am I simply just over thinking everything, living in fear of depression, dragged down by all the negativity around at the moment, and just fighting to find my footing. I have the mental power to break free of this, I have done it before, I can do it again. But before I can push, I need to know what I am fighting, who is my enemy here exactly?
I want to believe, that it is just a serious bout of self doubt, and that I just need to sort my shit out. Overcoming self doubt just needs one good hard push in the right direction, however I have no plan, so no direction at the moment. I have a home gym, I have road bikes, a gravel bike, running shoes. I am literally out of excuses, yet somehow keep finding them.
What I need is a plan, and a good one. Structure, direction, a vague goal, and motivation to keep me going so I can achieve what I want and need to. So now what? What do I do? How do I do this?
I am totally at a loss, and struggling.....Something needs to change!
Just like feet, fingerprint and many aspects of our physiology, we are all different. It is important to remember this goes for the inside as well as the outside of everyone.
As I continue to speak to people about their own mental health issues, one thing is obvious, we are NOT the same. To believe that the same processes for the same issue will have the same outcome is flawed, seriously. Much to the detriment of those struggling with day to day life.
Almost as bad as that friend who thinks they are helping by saying "chin up" etc, for the medical world to assume the position of "feeling like this, take two of these" is damaging, and gives some with the sense of doom and being alone, a worsened sense of those feelings. When a treatment or medication doesn't work, some will feel that they are beyond help. Believe me, I am speaking from experience here.
The same applies to everyone in fact, in all walks of life, which is a long way round for me to get to where I am going with this entry. Complimentary therapies, they are not for everyone.
Having been lucky enough to have been asked to participate in a few studies and training programs now, I have been able to start piecing together a clearer picture of what I myself can expect from treatments such as Reflexology, and more recently Reiki.
Both practises have their critics, but both (along with many other such treatments) have a strong following, and a strengthening belief that they have a role to play in treatment of all sorts of conditions. I will try and keep this as objective and fair as possible.
Expectations. A big part of any treatment starts with the hopes and expectations of what you want from the treatment. Like anything in life, if you overstretch, you are likely to end up disappointed and underwhelmed. Keep it within reason, and you are far more likely to come away with a positive result. Sadly some of these expectations are driven by over selling something. Take spot cream for an example, or the latest toothbrush. If you believe the advertising, you will have baby like skin, and glistening white teeth in a matter of days. In reality this is rarely the case, but many are driven towards these products by the advertising which sells them to us with such great hope. Keep it realistic, and you are off to a good start.
Timescale. As I have said, the most successful advertising promises great results in a matter of days, however with anything medical, be it physical or mental, the changes are rarely instantaneous. Which when you are desperate for change can be devastating.
For me, I have always tried to go into these things with an open mind, keeping my expectations low, but my pre-formed opinions on the back burner to try and give it every chance of success. Doing my research before hand, to try and understand what to expect. Of course my research consists of some of the best research material known to man, the internet. The #1 authority on everything, and always 100% correct.
Naturally, if you Google any complimentary treatment out there, you are bound to get a wide spectrum of opinions, from the ultra positive, to the completely negative. As humans, we are always more vocal about dissatisfaction, so the majority of most things you look up on the internet will be negative or neutral at best. Like with anything, people are more than happy to contribute towards negativity with no actual experience or knowledge of something.
Those treatments which are not primary treatments such as physiotherapy, osteopathy, etc frequently come under fire and are accused of being frauds, fake, or having no effects. One of the reasons for this I tend to find is, complimentary therapies tend not to be funded by the NHS, therefore it is peoples own money being spent on them. Mix high expectations with spending your own money, and you have a risky recipe. Should you not get the desired outcome from the treatments, or the results are not happening quick enough, and it is easy to see why some would claim they are no good.
But the perception of the results usually lays perfectly in line with the expected outcome of the treatment. Speak to one of the extreme practitioners of such treatments, and you are at risk of having massively high expectations from the treatment. Putting all your eggs in one basket, and expecting a great recovery or improvement based completely on the treatment. On the other hand, speak to someone who is realistic about the expectations and timescale, and you are off to a better start.
Results for any treatment vary, and are affected by the actions and state of mind of the patient. Like hypnosis, if you fight against the process, you will more than likely remain largely unaffected by it.
Taking a look at each of the treatments I have experienced, I want to break down what I expected from them, and what the physical and mental outcomes were. Starting first with the chiropractor.
Chiropractor
Following a bike accident, I was left with pain and reduced range of motion in my right hip and lower back. As time went on with no real answers from the GP, other than pain killers, I decided to look into alternatives. The lack of movement was starting to affect my shoulders and upper back now, things were not good. Initially going to my sports physio in Catford, the results were OK, but I was not getting enough of an improvement to continue the treatment. Something else was needed.
Originally looking at an Osteopath, I was told of the Chiropractor by a friend who had used the practice. Ignorant to the difference between the two, and having the thought of having my back cracked (technical term obviously) being the solution to it all, I booked in. Time for some research. Oh... I wasn't expecting that! So much negativity about Chiropractors. That said, when you look deeper at it, it is the more elaborate claims which seemed to attract the most negativity. The basic stuff, back pain and other related physical ailments seemed to be OK.
Going along for the first time, I had an initial assessment in which my movement, and general physical condition was assessed, and any issues I may have been having discussed. Focusing on the back and shoulder pain a course of treatment was agreed. The main treatments were correction and manipulation of the back, a little massage, and some self help exercises. It seemed to be doing the trick, so who was I to argue with its effectiveness.
The most notable session was mid way through the course of treatment. On arrival at the office, I was having trouble fully extending my right leg. The pre session exam was done, during which the chiropractor asked if I was having trouble with my right leg. YES! I exclaimed! She told me that it was a simple correction and we would take care of that. Laying down I again tried to extend my leg, nope, no joy. A couple of minutes later, and one glorious CRACK, I was asked to try again. Et voila, full range restored!
What I learned from my time seeing the Chiro was quite simple. The claims of some in a sense discredit the whole practice. Setting the bar of expectation and hope far too high. Extending the scope of the treatment far beyond the provable limits damages the integrity of those who practice the basic fundamentals. The same is true for other complimentary treatments, as well as other practices.
With the Chiropractor there is very little mental going on, the treatment itself is very much physical, and the only mental implications are those of taken from the positive physical outcome of each treatment. Knowing you are on the mend is a powerful tool in itself.
To this day, when problems arise Chiropractors remain one of my go to treatments, along with physio.
Reflexology
More recently, as I have written about, I experienced Reflexology for the first time. With a friend James building up towards his final exams to become fully qualified, I was blessed with a couple of tester sessions. Again, knowing little about the practice, I turned to the internet for guidance, and again my findings were similar. Negativity, calls for proof of some of the claims of Reflexology, driven by the slightly further reaching claims of what it can treat. For me, expectations were neutral, mind wide open.
After the initial pre treatment chat, my mind was eased further by the lack of promises of the session. Suggested effects were discussed, expected sensations explained, and away we went.
I will say from the off that with some of these treatments, state of mind is crucial. As I said earlier, close yourself off to the possibilities and you immediately limit the scope of things to come. The mind is a powerful tool when it comes to healing both physically and mentally, not to be underestimated. If you are tense during any kind of massage or physical stimulation, you will reduce the ability to reach those deep seated physical hot spots which are key to the sessions.
For me, doing yoga when I can has allowed me to relax my mind far better than I have ever been able to before. This relaxation really helps with such situations.
Reflexology for me combines both physical and mental stimulation. The right environment allowing you to slip into deep relaxation, which in turn allows the physical stimulation to have maximum effect. With feet being so delicate and sensitive, some might find it hard to relax enough to have them massaged and stimulated. However, allow your mind to take you to a place of relaxation, and the results are fantastic.
With the basic understanding of the practice, and what it is set out to do, I know that each part of the foot has a trigger point relating to a part of the rest of the body. With no major issues that I was aware of, it is hard for me to say exactly what impact the treatment had on different parts of my body. That said, there were most definitely some physical benefits to be had from the treatment.
By the end of a one hour session I was relaxed from head to toe, both inside and out. For me, this in itself is one of the keys of the treatment, the mental well-being. Releasing the stress and tension brought upon by any ailment, in itself is healing. Time out from the worry, laying completely relaxed, somewhat vulnerable can be of massive benefit to a physical issue. Body relaxation, reduced heart rate, easing the strain on the body, allowing it to find a little balance, and work on fixing the issues. Accelerated bed rest if you like.
Mentally, it is hard for me to explain the benefits to anyone who has not needed time out from themselves and their thoughts. When you mind is running at a million miles an hour, for every waking moment of every day, the chance to switch off for a while, and focus on something as simple as breathing deeply is a blessing. So to have a treatment like Reflexology is a great opportunity to be at one with yourself, while being gently controlled by the practitioner.
Mindfulness is a bit of a tough cookie for some people. The more active your mind is, the harder it is to switch it off for a while. Being in a situation where there is a mild physical distraction to try and block out while you relax, is easier that simply meditating and trying to clear your mind. I am not sure if it makes sense, but if someone tells you to clear you head of worries and thoughts, and concentrate on your breathing, for the inexperienced it is nigh on impossible. A thought of some kind will sneak in, and spiral into a whole train of thought in a flash.
Now put yourself in a situation where there is a physical distraction, such as massage, it becomes the focus of your thoughts, and like when running or cycling, it is hard to think about anything else in the moment. At this point you tend to surrender your mind to the moment. For reflexology, as long as you are comfortable in the environment you are in, it is easy to zone out so to speak, and just experience the sensations, rather than fighting them, or over thinking them. With this state of mind achieved, the next step is simple, and taught by yoga all the time, breathe!
Feeling your breaths, allowing your mind to relax and let everything go, becoming hyper aware of every inch of your body, what you are feeling. Feeling the pressure of the blood pumping through your body, feeling every heartbeat pulse through you. Once relaxed, the body and mind really work together, and anything is possible.
It is at this point I believe that physical change can come about, encouraged by the stimulation of the Reflexologist. As I say, in my experience I lacked any real feeling of such change, but then maybe my mind was not as open as it could have been, and I was simply not aware of what I was feeling. This is something I learned more about with my next experience, Reiki, but I will come to that in a bit.
I can say by the end of each session I was left in a physical and mental state I would have been happy to remain in. A natural high of relaxation. So relaxed, I craved it more. For someone like me who finds it so hard to relax even when the situation allows it, such as bedtime, feeling this relaxed is a blessing. I somehow need to invoke this feeling before I sleep at night.
In fact, so convinced as to how the state of mind can alter how I sleep, I have now started yoga before bed on some nights, just to get my mind to a state of relaxation.
My final take on Reflexology for this entry is a simple one. While there are those who cast doubts on what can be achieved by it. For anyone who is active and spends a lot of time on or using their feet, if nothing else, Reflexology will be the best and most relaxing foot massage you have had in your life. With the added benefits of doing nothing other than unwinding, breathing, and having some time to yourself. Unlike some other alternative treatments, there are 100% guaranteed physical benefits from the sessions.
Reiki
The most recent treatment I have had is Reiki. Something I knew absolutely nothing about until last week. For some reason I have always put it in the same category as yoga and pilates. Don't ask me why, at 46 I am still ignorant to many things, Reiki is no longer one of them.
For anyone who is not familiar with Reiki (similar to me last week) it is basically "healing hands". The passing and channeling of energy via the hands. Helping re-balance the energy in the body. Probably the hardest to prove for any doubters out there. Again, research on the internet will turn up many a bold claim, much to the disapproval of some, so once again it attracts a large following of negativity.
Having only had one session, and not being sure what to expect from the whole situation, it is a hard one to say much about. During the consult some issues I have were discussed, mentioning that I struggle to sleep, have a history of depression and anxiety were the main things that came to mind. Also mentioning physical issues with my shoulder and hip, but these were not focused on.
Deciding to focus on the sleep issues, I was laid down, allowed to get comfortable and relax, before the process begun. The only way I can describe it is, if you have ever had a massage which has ended with pressure points around the head and certain points of the body, it is a little like that. Nothing intrusive, nothing painful or awkward. Simply put, it is placing the hands on certain parts of the body, for my session the head, and drawing energy to stimulate change of some sort.
Again, turning to yoga to relax and find my head space, it was easy for me to clear my head, and just be aware of my body and mind.
Sensations I felt I experienced during the session are as follows.
Change of weight and balance within my head. Tough to explain but if you have ever had an imbalance in your inner ear, and felt your head feels it wants to drop to one side, this is similar. As hands move around, feeling the head become weighty on one side, and feel the sensation of it dropping to one side.
The next one is a bit harder to explain. If you have ever lay still, eyes closed, you may have noticed colours, lines, patterns in your vision. Flowing and pulsing as your heart beats. When you relax deeply, these patterns and lines can calm down, and seem to flow gently, in line with your heartbeat For me, during the session, I am sure they changed direction according to my thoughts, and where the hands of the practitioner were at any one time. Feeling the flow of energy towards the hands on my head, seeing the lines racing in that direction, from time to time, as the hands moved, or my thoughts returned to my mind momentarily, I would see and feel a change.
Hard to quantify really, but if you believe in the flow of energy in your body, if you are aware of your state of mind, then it might make a little more sense. At the end of the session, discussing how it had been, I mentioned these changes, and was told she too could feel them. Suggesting it felt like I was blocking the flow with my mind, it would fit with the idea that the thoughts rushing back into my mind may have contributed towards this change. Who knows! I am going back next week, so will experiment a little.
The thing I takeaway from these sessions is that physical stimulation goes a long way to helping with mental relaxation. Regardless of what you make of such treatments, for me they create a fantastic channel for me to allow my mind to relax to a state I struggle to achieve otherwise. With balance restored in my mind, I find it much easier to deal with anything life throws at me. Less stress, means less tension, so there are certainly physical benefits to be had. Add to this the release of tension and increased relaxation from the massage aspects of some of the treatments, and all in all it is an hour well spent, and money well spent.
Is it for everyone, probably not. If you simply have tight shoulders from gardening, then a massage will suit you down to the ground. Want to take some time to yourself, relax deeply, and explore you mind and body, then maybe it is time to look into a suitable form of complimentary therapy.
If you are interested in anything I have mentioned above, I will leave the links to all the services below. Thank you for reading, and if you take nothing else away from this, I hope it has induced a good nights sleep.
