It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the "just another half hour" of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.
Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It's not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn't want to give up.
Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn't seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety.
I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a "disability"? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time.
In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can't do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway.
In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can't deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of "I might not be able to do this soon", which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn't too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable.
One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead.
Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don't suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge.
Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.
*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading.
Good morning all. First I would like to say thank you. Thank you for reading the last entry, and thank you to all those who reached out with offers, advice or just meaningful words. It all counts.
As most know, my intentions on writing these posts are multi pronged. Vent, think out loud, sharing my feelings with all, to allow others fighting similar to see its OK, and of course I would be lying if I didn't say, to engage with others. But only those who have the time and inclination to do so. I don't expect everyone to have something to say, nor know what to do. So I always appreciate when people reach out.
The venting part is the key for me, and no matter how many times I go through this cycle, I falter every single time. Forgetting lessons I have learnt, ignoring the early signs, and letting myself down by not keeping up the routine of self help I have spent so long figuring out. So to return to it, and get a load off my chest is both refreshing, and a stark reminder of how I could have avoided being back here again. But hey ho, we're here now, let's deal with it.
Having had a rant last night, I went to bed re-reading it all to myself in my head, wondering if I could have expressed something clearer. Do people think this is attention seeking, trying to figure out how it would be received, and listening for notifications on my phone. Yes, I know, phones are the work of the devil and should he turned off or to silence at night. I usually do!
The hardest part at times like this is silencing my mind. Going to bed and having someone in your head who won't just shut up is a real battle. Having learned many ways of dealing with them, from putting relaxing music on, to mind clearing routines. Visualisation works well for me, and seems I drop off quite quickly once I get a fix. Last night was no exception. Once I found peace from my mind, I was off.
Waking this morning feeling much fresher than usual, so off to a positive start. Added to that, seeing messages from a number of people reaching out, was very humbling and at the same time empowering too. Its not about the "are you OK" from as many people as possible, it's more about the communication with people who get it, and have something constructive to say or suggest. The "chin up" messages are well intended, but fall a little short of what is needed. Appreciated all the same, but just lack inspiration to engage.
As always I am humbled by realising people do care, and that in itself is a boost. But I know that the key to this is me, as always. And while I have grand plans, I have to be realistic and see that these things don't happen over night, and getting the time right is the key to succeeding in my endeavours.
The action plan really is stop eating quite so much crap, find a routine to work to, and all steps to be moderate and sensible. Sure I can commit to a ball busting grueling program, but as I have come to realise, I am quite fragile in some ways, and aggravating an old injury just sets me back months. So I need to build up gently.
Start small. A simple routine, and slowly add to it each time I am sure I am not breaking myself physically. Dig shallower is my motto right now. Dig too deep and you end in a hole. Or is that a whole.....heap of pain? So that is where I am gonna start. Not putting a date on it, but starting with a morning routine, get back out with the dogs maybe. Start walking, build back up to running. A faux commute to work is much needed too, I can easily do my faux return commute in the evening on the trainer.
So, I have ideas, I have a plan, I have support from those around me. What else do I need? Oh yeah, to get my head in the game. That's the bit I can't rush. Can't buy motivation, and can't force your head in the game.
Speaking of work, and the whole Work From Home thing, this has probably been my only negative on the whole matter. Loss of routine. But I know that is something many of you are also suffering with in one way or another. We hate routine til we lose it, then and only then do we realise the importance of a routine. The dream of having all the money in the world seems quite dire once you realise you would still need a routine, a schedule, some structure in your life. Life without structure is like a body with no bones. No matter how big the muscles, they are useless without structure. Gross I know!
Anyway, back to the thank yous. Its been inspiring to say the least, and my very first step, the most important thing I am going to do.... Is write more. Sorry and all that, I won't force you to read it, but will be sharing more and more on social media.
So, on with the day for now, and try and keep my chins up.
Just like feet, fingerprint and many aspects of our physiology, we are all different. It is important to remember this goes for the inside as well as the outside of everyone.
As I continue to speak to people about their own mental health issues, one thing is obvious, we are NOT the same. To believe that the same processes for the same issue will have the same outcome is flawed, seriously. Much to the detriment of those struggling with day to day life.
Almost as bad as that friend who thinks they are helping by saying "chin up" etc, for the medical world to assume the position of "feeling like this, take two of these" is damaging, and gives some with the sense of doom and being alone, a worsened sense of those feelings. When a treatment or medication doesn't work, some will feel that they are beyond help. Believe me, I am speaking from experience here.
The same applies to everyone in fact, in all walks of life, which is a long way round for me to get to where I am going with this entry. Complimentary therapies, they are not for everyone.
Having been lucky enough to have been asked to participate in a few studies and training programs now, I have been able to start piecing together a clearer picture of what I myself can expect from treatments such as Reflexology, and more recently Reiki.
Both practises have their critics, but both (along with many other such treatments) have a strong following, and a strengthening belief that they have a role to play in treatment of all sorts of conditions. I will try and keep this as objective and fair as possible.
Expectations. A big part of any treatment starts with the hopes and expectations of what you want from the treatment. Like anything in life, if you overstretch, you are likely to end up disappointed and underwhelmed. Keep it within reason, and you are far more likely to come away with a positive result. Sadly some of these expectations are driven by over selling something. Take spot cream for an example, or the latest toothbrush. If you believe the advertising, you will have baby like skin, and glistening white teeth in a matter of days. In reality this is rarely the case, but many are driven towards these products by the advertising which sells them to us with such great hope. Keep it realistic, and you are off to a good start.
Timescale. As I have said, the most successful advertising promises great results in a matter of days, however with anything medical, be it physical or mental, the changes are rarely instantaneous. Which when you are desperate for change can be devastating.
For me, I have always tried to go into these things with an open mind, keeping my expectations low, but my pre-formed opinions on the back burner to try and give it every chance of success. Doing my research before hand, to try and understand what to expect. Of course my research consists of some of the best research material known to man, the internet. The #1 authority on everything, and always 100% correct.
Naturally, if you Google any complimentary treatment out there, you are bound to get a wide spectrum of opinions, from the ultra positive, to the completely negative. As humans, we are always more vocal about dissatisfaction, so the majority of most things you look up on the internet will be negative or neutral at best. Like with anything, people are more than happy to contribute towards negativity with no actual experience or knowledge of something.
Those treatments which are not primary treatments such as physiotherapy, osteopathy, etc frequently come under fire and are accused of being frauds, fake, or having no effects. One of the reasons for this I tend to find is, complimentary therapies tend not to be funded by the NHS, therefore it is peoples own money being spent on them. Mix high expectations with spending your own money, and you have a risky recipe. Should you not get the desired outcome from the treatments, or the results are not happening quick enough, and it is easy to see why some would claim they are no good.
But the perception of the results usually lays perfectly in line with the expected outcome of the treatment. Speak to one of the extreme practitioners of such treatments, and you are at risk of having massively high expectations from the treatment. Putting all your eggs in one basket, and expecting a great recovery or improvement based completely on the treatment. On the other hand, speak to someone who is realistic about the expectations and timescale, and you are off to a better start.
Results for any treatment vary, and are affected by the actions and state of mind of the patient. Like hypnosis, if you fight against the process, you will more than likely remain largely unaffected by it.
Taking a look at each of the treatments I have experienced, I want to break down what I expected from them, and what the physical and mental outcomes were. Starting first with the chiropractor.
Chiropractor
Following a bike accident, I was left with pain and reduced range of motion in my right hip and lower back. As time went on with no real answers from the GP, other than pain killers, I decided to look into alternatives. The lack of movement was starting to affect my shoulders and upper back now, things were not good. Initially going to my sports physio in Catford, the results were OK, but I was not getting enough of an improvement to continue the treatment. Something else was needed.
Originally looking at an Osteopath, I was told of the Chiropractor by a friend who had used the practice. Ignorant to the difference between the two, and having the thought of having my back cracked (technical term obviously) being the solution to it all, I booked in. Time for some research. Oh... I wasn't expecting that! So much negativity about Chiropractors. That said, when you look deeper at it, it is the more elaborate claims which seemed to attract the most negativity. The basic stuff, back pain and other related physical ailments seemed to be OK.
Going along for the first time, I had an initial assessment in which my movement, and general physical condition was assessed, and any issues I may have been having discussed. Focusing on the back and shoulder pain a course of treatment was agreed. The main treatments were correction and manipulation of the back, a little massage, and some self help exercises. It seemed to be doing the trick, so who was I to argue with its effectiveness.
The most notable session was mid way through the course of treatment. On arrival at the office, I was having trouble fully extending my right leg. The pre session exam was done, during which the chiropractor asked if I was having trouble with my right leg. YES! I exclaimed! She told me that it was a simple correction and we would take care of that. Laying down I again tried to extend my leg, nope, no joy. A couple of minutes later, and one glorious CRACK, I was asked to try again. Et voila, full range restored!
What I learned from my time seeing the Chiro was quite simple. The claims of some in a sense discredit the whole practice. Setting the bar of expectation and hope far too high. Extending the scope of the treatment far beyond the provable limits damages the integrity of those who practice the basic fundamentals. The same is true for other complimentary treatments, as well as other practices.
With the Chiropractor there is very little mental going on, the treatment itself is very much physical, and the only mental implications are those of taken from the positive physical outcome of each treatment. Knowing you are on the mend is a powerful tool in itself.
To this day, when problems arise Chiropractors remain one of my go to treatments, along with physio.
Reflexology
More recently, as I have written about, I experienced Reflexology for the first time. With a friend James building up towards his final exams to become fully qualified, I was blessed with a couple of tester sessions. Again, knowing little about the practice, I turned to the internet for guidance, and again my findings were similar. Negativity, calls for proof of some of the claims of Reflexology, driven by the slightly further reaching claims of what it can treat. For me, expectations were neutral, mind wide open.
After the initial pre treatment chat, my mind was eased further by the lack of promises of the session. Suggested effects were discussed, expected sensations explained, and away we went.
I will say from the off that with some of these treatments, state of mind is crucial. As I said earlier, close yourself off to the possibilities and you immediately limit the scope of things to come. The mind is a powerful tool when it comes to healing both physically and mentally, not to be underestimated. If you are tense during any kind of massage or physical stimulation, you will reduce the ability to reach those deep seated physical hot spots which are key to the sessions.
For me, doing yoga when I can has allowed me to relax my mind far better than I have ever been able to before. This relaxation really helps with such situations.
Reflexology for me combines both physical and mental stimulation. The right environment allowing you to slip into deep relaxation, which in turn allows the physical stimulation to have maximum effect. With feet being so delicate and sensitive, some might find it hard to relax enough to have them massaged and stimulated. However, allow your mind to take you to a place of relaxation, and the results are fantastic.
With the basic understanding of the practice, and what it is set out to do, I know that each part of the foot has a trigger point relating to a part of the rest of the body. With no major issues that I was aware of, it is hard for me to say exactly what impact the treatment had on different parts of my body. That said, there were most definitely some physical benefits to be had from the treatment.
By the end of a one hour session I was relaxed from head to toe, both inside and out. For me, this in itself is one of the keys of the treatment, the mental well-being. Releasing the stress and tension brought upon by any ailment, in itself is healing. Time out from the worry, laying completely relaxed, somewhat vulnerable can be of massive benefit to a physical issue. Body relaxation, reduced heart rate, easing the strain on the body, allowing it to find a little balance, and work on fixing the issues. Accelerated bed rest if you like.
Mentally, it is hard for me to explain the benefits to anyone who has not needed time out from themselves and their thoughts. When you mind is running at a million miles an hour, for every waking moment of every day, the chance to switch off for a while, and focus on something as simple as breathing deeply is a blessing. So to have a treatment like Reflexology is a great opportunity to be at one with yourself, while being gently controlled by the practitioner.
Mindfulness is a bit of a tough cookie for some people. The more active your mind is, the harder it is to switch it off for a while. Being in a situation where there is a mild physical distraction to try and block out while you relax, is easier that simply meditating and trying to clear your mind. I am not sure if it makes sense, but if someone tells you to clear you head of worries and thoughts, and concentrate on your breathing, for the inexperienced it is nigh on impossible. A thought of some kind will sneak in, and spiral into a whole train of thought in a flash.
Now put yourself in a situation where there is a physical distraction, such as massage, it becomes the focus of your thoughts, and like when running or cycling, it is hard to think about anything else in the moment. At this point you tend to surrender your mind to the moment. For reflexology, as long as you are comfortable in the environment you are in, it is easy to zone out so to speak, and just experience the sensations, rather than fighting them, or over thinking them. With this state of mind achieved, the next step is simple, and taught by yoga all the time, breathe!
Feeling your breaths, allowing your mind to relax and let everything go, becoming hyper aware of every inch of your body, what you are feeling. Feeling the pressure of the blood pumping through your body, feeling every heartbeat pulse through you. Once relaxed, the body and mind really work together, and anything is possible.
It is at this point I believe that physical change can come about, encouraged by the stimulation of the Reflexologist. As I say, in my experience I lacked any real feeling of such change, but then maybe my mind was not as open as it could have been, and I was simply not aware of what I was feeling. This is something I learned more about with my next experience, Reiki, but I will come to that in a bit.
I can say by the end of each session I was left in a physical and mental state I would have been happy to remain in. A natural high of relaxation. So relaxed, I craved it more. For someone like me who finds it so hard to relax even when the situation allows it, such as bedtime, feeling this relaxed is a blessing. I somehow need to invoke this feeling before I sleep at night.
In fact, so convinced as to how the state of mind can alter how I sleep, I have now started yoga before bed on some nights, just to get my mind to a state of relaxation.
My final take on Reflexology for this entry is a simple one. While there are those who cast doubts on what can be achieved by it. For anyone who is active and spends a lot of time on or using their feet, if nothing else, Reflexology will be the best and most relaxing foot massage you have had in your life. With the added benefits of doing nothing other than unwinding, breathing, and having some time to yourself. Unlike some other alternative treatments, there are 100% guaranteed physical benefits from the sessions.
Reiki
The most recent treatment I have had is Reiki. Something I knew absolutely nothing about until last week. For some reason I have always put it in the same category as yoga and pilates. Don't ask me why, at 46 I am still ignorant to many things, Reiki is no longer one of them.
For anyone who is not familiar with Reiki (similar to me last week) it is basically "healing hands". The passing and channeling of energy via the hands. Helping re-balance the energy in the body. Probably the hardest to prove for any doubters out there. Again, research on the internet will turn up many a bold claim, much to the disapproval of some, so once again it attracts a large following of negativity.
Having only had one session, and not being sure what to expect from the whole situation, it is a hard one to say much about. During the consult some issues I have were discussed, mentioning that I struggle to sleep, have a history of depression and anxiety were the main things that came to mind. Also mentioning physical issues with my shoulder and hip, but these were not focused on.
Deciding to focus on the sleep issues, I was laid down, allowed to get comfortable and relax, before the process begun. The only way I can describe it is, if you have ever had a massage which has ended with pressure points around the head and certain points of the body, it is a little like that. Nothing intrusive, nothing painful or awkward. Simply put, it is placing the hands on certain parts of the body, for my session the head, and drawing energy to stimulate change of some sort.
Again, turning to yoga to relax and find my head space, it was easy for me to clear my head, and just be aware of my body and mind.
Sensations I felt I experienced during the session are as follows.
Change of weight and balance within my head. Tough to explain but if you have ever had an imbalance in your inner ear, and felt your head feels it wants to drop to one side, this is similar. As hands move around, feeling the head become weighty on one side, and feel the sensation of it dropping to one side.
The next one is a bit harder to explain. If you have ever lay still, eyes closed, you may have noticed colours, lines, patterns in your vision. Flowing and pulsing as your heart beats. When you relax deeply, these patterns and lines can calm down, and seem to flow gently, in line with your heartbeat For me, during the session, I am sure they changed direction according to my thoughts, and where the hands of the practitioner were at any one time. Feeling the flow of energy towards the hands on my head, seeing the lines racing in that direction, from time to time, as the hands moved, or my thoughts returned to my mind momentarily, I would see and feel a change.
Hard to quantify really, but if you believe in the flow of energy in your body, if you are aware of your state of mind, then it might make a little more sense. At the end of the session, discussing how it had been, I mentioned these changes, and was told she too could feel them. Suggesting it felt like I was blocking the flow with my mind, it would fit with the idea that the thoughts rushing back into my mind may have contributed towards this change. Who knows! I am going back next week, so will experiment a little.
The thing I takeaway from these sessions is that physical stimulation goes a long way to helping with mental relaxation. Regardless of what you make of such treatments, for me they create a fantastic channel for me to allow my mind to relax to a state I struggle to achieve otherwise. With balance restored in my mind, I find it much easier to deal with anything life throws at me. Less stress, means less tension, so there are certainly physical benefits to be had. Add to this the release of tension and increased relaxation from the massage aspects of some of the treatments, and all in all it is an hour well spent, and money well spent.
Is it for everyone, probably not. If you simply have tight shoulders from gardening, then a massage will suit you down to the ground. Want to take some time to yourself, relax deeply, and explore you mind and body, then maybe it is time to look into a suitable form of complimentary therapy.
If you are interested in anything I have mentioned above, I will leave the links to all the services below. Thank you for reading, and if you take nothing else away from this, I hope it has induced a good nights sleep.
Riding home from work one evening this week, something suddenly came to me. A moment of clarity, a rare thing these days! Triggers! What are they, and starts my anxious mind spinning.
Whilst having a late night Netflix binge at the start of the week, I got watching "Your Mind, Explained". A series of shorts I have to recommend, especially for anyone trying to get to grips with any mental health issues. One episode in particular resonated with me, surprise, surprise it was the one about Anxiety. In a couple of minutes, with a couple of simple diagrams, the process which causes anxiety to be an issue is explained brilliantly.
To recap, anxiety is a natural feeling, which is why everyone at some point refers to moments of anxiety. From remembering to doing things before leaving home, to triggers which help up make decisions in the blink of an eye (cross or don't cross the road etc), identifying danger, using our past experiences, or things we have learned growing up. Anxiety is a necessary process to keep us safe and functioning.
The problem arises when that process is used irrationally, albeit unintentionally. There is a time and place for genuine anxiety. Most will know the unwanted kind which tends to pop up when you are in a new environment, or in a situation which could change things for you, exams etc. This is usually a short lived thing, but it triggers all sorts of physical actions. Upset stomach, dry mouth, you know, all those things which you really don't need right there and then.
For others, these moments are all too frequent, and triggered by what most would deem the most insignificant of events. Getting on a crowded train or bus for example. For me, this can be complete hell, for most it is just an unwanted situation, but one you will get through with little more than a little reluctance.
As I was taught by Netflix, this is Social Anxiety, and quite simply, it is the feeling of being judged and watched by everyone around you. Fearing that you are not worthy, not wanted, or just don't fit in. Simple eye contact can turn into a fast spinning whirlwind of panic. Of course, eye contact is something 95% of people avoid in confined spaces anyway, which is demonstrated by our love of phones, games consoles, and newspapers when using public transport. Not to mention my two favourites, headphones and sunglasses.
Then there is the sort of anxiety I noticed on the ride home, and a far more common one for me. Situational anxiety. Have you ever had a confrontation with someone, and found yourself replaying it in your head? The confrontation lasted 30 seconds, a quick exchange of words, and it's over. But for you, in your mind, the next 20-30 mins are spent dwelling on it. Replaying it, rethinking what you could have, or should have said or done? I am guessing at that time period, as for me, it can last a few hours or a few days. I kid you not. Revisiting the situation, going through the whole thing from start to finish, examining what was said by the other party, exploring what could have been meant by every word. Wondering what that person is thinking or saying about you, how could you have handled it differently. Wondering if they are even bothered about it, or simply moved on.
An exchange on social media last week is a great example of that. And for the few words that were said, their meaning was chewed over for a couple of days at least. With the intentions towards me, of the person saying them mulled over too.
Anyway, back to the ride...
Riding along a quiet road, decent pace, I noticed a few young lads by the side of the road throwing conkers at each other. From about 50-100 metres away I could see what they were doing. Playful, laughing, no aggression. However as I got closer I started thinking they might throw something at me as I passed. A lone cyclist, quiet road, I mean, why not, that's what kids do, right.
Now I KNOW this isn't what all kids do, and I know it is completely irrational to assume something would happen, but that is how this mind works. So now I am getting tense. Remember this is all happening within 50-100 metres at about 20mph! Getting closer I can feel my grip on the bars increasing, shoulders tensing, waiting, preparing for something to be thrown my way.
Will it hit me, will something bounce on the ground near me, will it make me fall off or wobble. Just the one or multiple, if they do, should I stop, should I just shout, maybe just ride on. If I stop or shout, what do I say, do I swear and become immediately aggressive, laugh it off, turn around and confront them.
If I say something, what if they reply, would it turn physical, 3 onto 1, confronting is a bad idea, but why should they get away with it... And so on. 10 seconds later, I have passed them, stiff as a board, stressed as I can possibly be. Breathing out for the first time since seeing them.... NOTHING! They are still messing about, play fighting among each other, probably didn't even see me pass by. A few deep breaths, the cycle of anxiety broken this time around, and I carry on on my way home.
Within a minute of this happening, my mind is busy, writing this blog entry in my head. It's a breakthrough! Finally I have a perfect example of how the anxious mind works, and how quickly normality can become hell for some people. Similar cycles pop up repeatedly for the remainder of the ride home, and every ride which has any kind of interaction or even just potential interaction with people along the way.
Now imagine that thought process, almost ever present, ready to leap out at you and start spinning. Any situation is a potential trigger, it just takes the wrong word, look, or environment for it all to start spinning. Shopping, travelling, driving, the list is endless. And the list is very different for different people.
So finally after almost a week, here I am writing this, hoping that it once again strikes a chord with one or two people out there, and makes some sense of what they are feeling. Or in some cases, makes it easier for others to understand how some peoples minds works.
Anxiety and avoidance go hand in hand for this exact reason. It is not the fear of the activity or event, not the lack of will to participate. But instead the fear of the unknown, unplanned, unforseen. Being unprepared for a situation which might arise, and the subsequent spiral of thoughts it will induce.
Meeting a stranger for the first time. I can outwardly appear fine about it. My natural defences will help me fight through the situation with some dark humour, a little laughter and finding a way to speed my way through the encounter. Like a duck in water, on the surface, all seems calm, I am gliding along through the conversation or situation. But below the surface, all hell is breaking loose. Legs kicking like crazy, struggling to stay afloat and present.
While I may glide through a situation with apparent ease. By the end of it I am absolutely exhausted and drained. Needing some me time to recharge, regroup, before I can even contemplate being in a similar situation. The natural ability to fight through a situation can become a serious drain on the mind, and if put in a situation too many times, in too short a period of time, can lead to a complete shutdown.
This is something I try and avoid putting myself through. So if ever you see me being quiet, doing my own thing, not being too chatty or getting into big conversations, that is more than likely all that is going on with me. The same I would guess would apply to some others too.
To put it into context, when the average person has a physically exhausting day, it is nice to put your feet up in the evening. When the same person has a long week, it is nice for them to take the weekend to themselves to get their energy back. When you do that for too long without a good enough rest, you become weak, exhausted, and unable to function correctly..
Welcome to my mind.... It is exactly the same, you just can't see the soreness, or massage it away. It just takes time.
Phew, speaking of exhaustion... For once, it is physical for me, and that is a nice feeling. Doesn't mean I will sleep any better, but it is nice to physically feel recovery once in a while.
Speaking of sleeping, before I go... YOGA!
I blogged about relaxation the other day, with James and his reflexology being one way to recharge. At the moment yoga is my thing. Spending time with yourself, relaxing the mind while working the body hard, all in the privacy of my home, and not moving an inch. The best part being, with no risk of encountering anyone in the process. 30 minutes of a near state of meditation is an amazing thing, and something I am really benefiting from. So if you get a chance, relax, be at one with yourself, and take some time out to relax your mind.
