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Tag: Self-help

Published on Leave a comment on Day 2 – Panic attack!

First things first, I feel a lot more relaxed about my situation today. So that's good. Thought it best to start on a positive note before spiralling down and moaning about everything else. 

This morning I am out for another walk. The plans of a ride scuppered again by another night of rain. As its cooling down now, the roads are not drying as quickly, and quite frankly I just don't fancy getting a wet bum. 

So instead I have come out for a little walk, today to Dulwich Park. Like yesterday, taking a break on a bench to offload my thoughts. 

Open park area, with trees and a play area. Blue cloudy skies.

Hopefully I can jump on the trainer this afternoon and burn off some more energy. 

Yesterday was a bit of a funny one, rapid high and low moods, trying to keep myself distracted with anything I could. Worked for the main part, but from time to time the silly thoughts took over. Trying to focus on myself a little bit more for the time being, and letting all the other noise of life disappear. I think sometimes I use that as a distraction from my own issues, which is probably part of my problem. 

Yesterday afternoon, my back and shoulders were still really tight, so I decided to have a soak in the bath. The idea was great, but sitting in a hot bath with your thoughts is sometimes a little too much. And on this occasion it certainly was. After about 15 mins I suddenly felt like I was over heating. My heart started racing, I started sweating heavily, and decided I needed to get out. Rolling over onto my knees to get up, I was hit with a huge wave of nausea, and got really light headed, so decided to stay put for a bit. By this point I was feeling the onset of a panic attack. What was wrong with me! 

Running the cold tap to cool myself down slowly helped, and in about 10 mins I was in a fit state to get out of the bath. Immediately my irrational mind went to "it's the new meds". Rationally though, I know when I have a long soak in a hot bath normally, I can get light headed anyway, rise in body temp and BP. So park that idea right there! The nausea was most likely just because of my intake recently and just how I feel in general exasperating the situation. Panic over. But if I didn't set myself baselines, I would be in a world of worry right now. 

The rest of the day passed without drama, and I stayed up late watching some TV, trying to relax enough to sleep. Going to bed around 11pm, thinking I was ready, I found myself restless and unable to get comfortable. The mouth sores I have from being run down at the moment don't help matters. I tried to distract myself with the idea and plans for a ride the next morning, but hearing the rain outside just left me thinking that was never going to happen, and what would I do with my day instead. 

Doing some mindfulness exercises I started to relax a little and let my thoughts flow in and out, until I got caught up on my history of anxiety, and thinking back to where I thought it all began. That in turn started writing a blog entry in my head, and the thoughts got deeper. Agreeing with myself that this would be a good blog entry, I put the idea to one side, promising myself I would tackle it soon. That seemed to do the trick, and I soon fell asleep, for an hour anyway. 

After that I had my usual night of broken sleep, and when I woke, I looked at the clock, went to roll over, then reminded myself I need to keep a routine. I got up, fed the dogs and took my meds. Then got ready for a walk and here I am now. Bum getting wet sitting on a damp bench in the park. Wondering already what people will think when I get up with a damp patch on my arse to finish my walk. 

When I get home, I will have some lunch, then make a start on my "History of Anxiety" blog. Possibly a mini series of blogs, rather than a huge long one that no one will read to the end of. But like this one haha. 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading, I'm off to be judged by the people of Dulwich for having a wet bum. 

Published on Leave a comment on Morning reflection.

Good morning all. First I would like to say thank you. Thank you for reading the last entry, and thank you to all those who reached out with offers, advice or just meaningful words. It all counts. 

As most know, my intentions on writing these posts are multi pronged. Vent, think out loud, sharing my feelings with all, to allow others fighting similar to see its OK, and of course I would be lying if I didn't say, to engage with others. But only those who have the time and inclination to do so. I don't expect everyone to have something to say, nor know what to do. So I always appreciate when people reach out. 

The venting part is the key for me, and no matter how many times I go through this cycle, I falter every single time. Forgetting lessons I have learnt, ignoring the early signs, and letting myself down by not keeping up the routine of self help I have spent so long figuring out. So to return to it, and get a load off my chest is both refreshing, and a stark reminder of how I could have avoided being back here again. But hey ho, we're here now, let's deal with it. 

Having had a rant last night, I went to bed re-reading it all to myself in my head, wondering if I could have expressed something clearer. Do people think this is attention seeking, trying to figure out how it would be received, and listening for notifications on my phone. Yes, I know, phones are the work of the devil and should he turned off or to silence at night. I usually do! 

The hardest part at times like this is silencing my mind. Going to bed and having someone in your head who won't just shut up is a real battle. Having learned many ways of dealing with them, from putting relaxing music on, to mind clearing routines. Visualisation works well for me, and seems I drop off quite quickly once I get a fix. Last night was no exception. Once I found peace from my mind, I was off. 

Waking this morning feeling much fresher than usual, so off to a positive start. Added to that, seeing messages from a number of people reaching out, was very humbling and at the same time empowering too. Its not about the "are you OK" from as many people as possible, it's more about the communication with people who get it, and have something constructive to say or suggest. The "chin up" messages are well intended, but fall a little short of what is needed. Appreciated all the same, but just lack inspiration to engage. 

As always I am humbled by realising people do care, and that in itself is a boost. But I know that the key to this is me, as always. And while I have grand plans, I have to be realistic and see that these things don't happen over night, and getting the time right is the key to succeeding in my endeavours. 

The action plan really is stop eating quite so much crap, find a routine to work to, and all steps to be moderate and sensible. Sure I can commit to a ball busting grueling program, but as I have come to realise, I am quite fragile in some ways, and aggravating an old injury just sets me back months. So I need to build up gently. 

Start small. A simple routine, and slowly add to it each time I am sure I am not breaking myself physically. Dig shallower is my motto right now. Dig too deep and you end in a hole. Or is that a whole.....heap of pain? So that is where I am gonna start. Not putting a date on it, but starting with a morning routine, get back out with the dogs maybe. Start walking, build back up to running. A faux commute to work is much needed too, I can easily do my faux return commute in the evening on the trainer. 

So, I have ideas, I have a plan, I have support from those around me. What else do I need? Oh yeah, to get my head in the game. That's the bit I can't rush. Can't buy motivation, and can't force your head in the game. 

Speaking of work, and the whole Work From Home thing, this has probably been my only negative on the whole matter. Loss of routine. But I know that is something many of you are also suffering with in one way or another. We hate routine til we lose it, then and only then do we realise the importance of a routine. The dream of having all the money in the world seems quite dire once you realise you would still need a routine, a schedule, some structure in your life. Life without structure is like a body with no bones. No matter how big the muscles, they are useless without structure. Gross I know! 

Anyway, back to the thank yous. Its been inspiring to say the least, and my very first step, the most important thing I am going to do.... Is write more. Sorry and all that, I won't force you to read it, but will be sharing more and more on social media. 

So, on with the day for now, and try and keep my chins up.

 

Thanks for reading as ever.