First things first, I feel a lot more relaxed about my situation today. So that's good. Thought it best to start on a positive note before spiralling down and moaning about everything else.
This morning I am out for another walk. The plans of a ride scuppered again by another night of rain. As its cooling down now, the roads are not drying as quickly, and quite frankly I just don't fancy getting a wet bum.
So instead I have come out for a little walk, today to Dulwich Park. Like yesterday, taking a break on a bench to offload my thoughts.
Hopefully I can jump on the trainer this afternoon and burn off some more energy.
Yesterday was a bit of a funny one, rapid high and low moods, trying to keep myself distracted with anything I could. Worked for the main part, but from time to time the silly thoughts took over. Trying to focus on myself a little bit more for the time being, and letting all the other noise of life disappear. I think sometimes I use that as a distraction from my own issues, which is probably part of my problem.
Yesterday afternoon, my back and shoulders were still really tight, so I decided to have a soak in the bath. The idea was great, but sitting in a hot bath with your thoughts is sometimes a little too much. And on this occasion it certainly was. After about 15 mins I suddenly felt like I was over heating. My heart started racing, I started sweating heavily, and decided I needed to get out. Rolling over onto my knees to get up, I was hit with a huge wave of nausea, and got really light headed, so decided to stay put for a bit. By this point I was feeling the onset of a panic attack. What was wrong with me!
Running the cold tap to cool myself down slowly helped, and in about 10 mins I was in a fit state to get out of the bath. Immediately my irrational mind went to "it's the new meds". Rationally though, I know when I have a long soak in a hot bath normally, I can get light headed anyway, rise in body temp and BP. So park that idea right there! The nausea was most likely just because of my intake recently and just how I feel in general exasperating the situation. Panic over. But if I didn't set myself baselines, I would be in a world of worry right now.
The rest of the day passed without drama, and I stayed up late watching some TV, trying to relax enough to sleep. Going to bed around 11pm, thinking I was ready, I found myself restless and unable to get comfortable. The mouth sores I have from being run down at the moment don't help matters. I tried to distract myself with the idea and plans for a ride the next morning, but hearing the rain outside just left me thinking that was never going to happen, and what would I do with my day instead.
Doing some mindfulness exercises I started to relax a little and let my thoughts flow in and out, until I got caught up on my history of anxiety, and thinking back to where I thought it all began. That in turn started writing a blog entry in my head, and the thoughts got deeper. Agreeing with myself that this would be a good blog entry, I put the idea to one side, promising myself I would tackle it soon. That seemed to do the trick, and I soon fell asleep, for an hour anyway.
After that I had my usual night of broken sleep, and when I woke, I looked at the clock, went to roll over, then reminded myself I need to keep a routine. I got up, fed the dogs and took my meds. Then got ready for a walk and here I am now. Bum getting wet sitting on a damp bench in the park. Wondering already what people will think when I get up with a damp patch on my arse to finish my walk.
When I get home, I will have some lunch, then make a start on my "History of Anxiety" blog. Possibly a mini series of blogs, rather than a huge long one that no one will read to the end of. But like this one haha.
Anyway, thanks for reading, I'm off to be judged by the people of Dulwich for having a wet bum.