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Category: remember

Published on Leave a comment on My legacy

As a deep thinker, an over thinker, and someone who obsesses about some very strange things at times, I have come to realise that one thing bugs me over and over. My legacy!

I recently blogged about dying, cheerful I know, but it was on my mind, so I put it out there. In that piece I questioned what it was all about. Is death to be feared, or lived for? When we are gone, what is left, and what difference does our passing make to everyone else.

Having lost quite a few friends over the years, as well as some good acquaintances, its quite easy for me to make this next observation. Some people I have known who have died rarely ever cross my mind. Other however come into my thoughts on an almost daily basis. Not as sadness, but as memories of times gone by, thinking how a certain person would have liked whatever it is I'm doing at that moment, or just missing them for a moment.

In reality, I'm sure we all strive to be the latter. I know I do. I think I actually fear just being forgotten. I know I have shared some very special moments with some amazing people, and hope already that I have left my mark in life, at least in my own generation. I hope that I have done enough in life to generate a huge amount of 'do you remember when we' type conversations, as I have done about friends who have passed.

But there is a bone of contention in there, and one that doesn't sit well with me. My true legacy.
I am 42 years old now, far from old, but certain opportunities in life have reached a point of no return now. Choosing to have a child now, the primeval instinct of the human race, is quite a stretch in my world now, and not a choice I would make. Like a woman with her biological clock ticking away, I share that feeling of a door closing.
Of course, I have a child, or should I say, I fathered a child who is now a 20 year old woman.

It doesn't get to me too often, not something that I dwell on too much. I know in the years I have been absent she has been well looked after and loved. Raised well, and strives to make great academic achievements. I would say I'm really proud, but then that is a little glory grabbing really as its none of my doing.
Or is it? On a gross and scientific level, I do have something to be proud of. My genes after all went into her genetic makeup, she is 50% me, and while one part of the biological equation seems to have forgotten I am quite intelligent, thankfully her brain hasn't, and a part of me is indeed responsible for her success.

The truth is, my legacy as it stands is in 2 very separate pieces.
On the one hand, another generation has a life, will out live me, and a bloodline will continue. Regardless of my role and presence in the past 16 years, without me, there would be no her. Someone else maybe, but not her. Regardless of our interactions in years to come, her wishes to know me or involve me, she is my legacy. Like it or not.

Then the second part is the lives I have shared. The memories of the people I hold dearest to me, and who I have shared moments of happiness, sadness and of course stupidity with. A part of my life I have full control over, decisions I have made, and futures I have shaped. I hope I have done enough in those peoples lives to be remembered until their final days too, and for the stories of our adventures together to be told for decades to come.

Do you strive for a legacy? Or just take each day as it comes, and not care about what happens when you are gone?

Published on Leave a comment on Butterflies…

OK I have gone on about this too many times in my life, but from time to time I need to revisit the thought to make sense of things, and even re-evaluate the validity of the whole belief, and tonight is one of those times. When you find yourself laying on the floor of a dark room, on the rug, with headphones on, playing a very select playlist, its time to see what the hell is going on in your head.

So, butterflies. Many years ago I referred to the butterfly effect, but in my own way. Not the generic well known way. Here are my thoughts on it. And so profound was the belief in the feeling, I even had it tattooed. One of my first pieces, and one I still hold dear to this day.

From time to time in life you have a moment, a point in time where things change. For a short spell of time everything else takes second place, thoughts go on hold, and life stops. For that moment, for however long it is, the most important thing of the moment is right there. Times like this you need to stop, take stock, and appreciate it. Like a butterfly in a garden, fluttering from plant to plant. Once in a while it settles for a rest. As you sit in the garden and watch this natural beauty dancing around, if you sit still enough, it will settle on you.
As it touches your skin, you freeze. Motionless you look on and appreciate how delicate it is, how fragile this and the rest of life is, and how quickly it can pass. No matter how long the event really lasts, the second it is over it feels like it was just the blink of an eye. Always to be remembered, a moment in your life that truly matters.

However this precious moment can be ruined in a heartbeat by the wrong action. The most simple of wrong moves can upset the balance, and take the whole moment away. Some who experience these moments try and capture them forever, but this is just a false hope. Touch a butterfly, try and capture it, or hold on longer that time allows and the balance it ruined. The life drains from the butterfly, and what was there for a second will never return.

The only way to really embrace a butterfly moment is to just let it happen. Hold your breath, look on in wonder, and enjoy what is happening. What will happen will happen, and when its over, let it go. Hold dear the moments that you had, and don't try to make it something it is not.

Life seems to throw quite a few of those at me, or at least my mind interprets it that way. I am yet to squash one, but struggle desperately to try and read the pattern and interpretations of them. Long after the butterfly has flown, the moment finally makes sense and I can get a read on it and appreciate it.

Sometimes things in life are just as they seem, as described, as advertised, as per the label. However to hope that there is more inside, shaking the now empty packet hoping more will fall from it, just a fools game. Blimey how many more metaphors can I use before just saying it like it is.

But back to the butterfly effect.

The simplicity of it is the beauty of it. Spend your whole life rushing around, never paying attention to your surroundings, and you will miss SO much in life. However take life at a slower pace, look around from time to time, soak up what is all around you, and take stock of the beauty that surrounds you each day. From time to time you will notice moments worth treasuring. Like a butterfly landing on your hand. Sit still, look on, and realise how blessed you are to have been touched by a thing of beauty. When it is rested, and has taken from the moment what it needs, it flies away leaving you with something profound, and a moment of time you will never be able to re-live, but will never forget.

That paragraph above is the one I have been sitting here for  20 mins trying to squeeze out of myself, and sums up my thoughts right now.
Now if only I can just sit still long enough and not make the wrong move, all will be well, and I will remember this moment for the rest of my living years.

I love butterfly moments.... But they can really mess with my head.

Thanks for reading, and for a select few, thank you even more for being a butterfly, and touching me profoundly.