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I don't get it, I am doing everything I have ever done in the past to lose weight, in fact, I might go so far as to say, more! But nothing, I drop a chunk of pounds, then just sit there stuck at a number.

At the moment it is low 240s (lbs). I am cycling 100+ miles a week, running three times a week, eating clean for the most part. Saturated fat intake super low, protein intake good, calorie intake is in deficit to burn almost every day.

The issue is two pronged. Firstly, I don't like being this over weight, the numbers are too high, weight, waist measurement etc. It doesn't look good, doesn't feel good, and I know I can do better.
Secondly there are the physical impacts. Cycling I can do, running I can do, cycling up above average gradients kills be (as I found out yesterday, and stairs leave me a little breathless.

Recovery is great however, moments after the higher impact demand on my body, my HR drops, breathing settles, and I am able to resume normal activities. Ironically recovery used to be a weakness for me, but now its great. Just a shame about the rest.

100 mile ride, not too big a deal, managing to churn the miles out with no ill effect. Throw a few bigger hills in my way and suddenly (more recently) I struggle. Looking back a year or so, I was riding up Spanish hills in stupid heat, and while not perfection, it was more than doable. Now, meh!

So with all that in mind, what the hell is wrong. I don't want to go off down the "it's medical" route,I doubt very much it is. So what on earth is stopping the progress. Have I hit the wall, is this just a really slow and frustrating phase, or has my physiology changed, meaning I need a new approach. Time marches on and all that.

One of the difficulties I face is scheduling. I know I make life a bit of a rush at times, and possibly take on more than I can manage. By that I mean my own things, day to day stuff. Trying to fit in riding, running, commuting, working, a home life, seems a bit of a faff at times. Only this week have I managed to catch up with the weeks to match my running training. Running weeks have spread across calendar weeks where I have not managed to keep up.

So here we are on a Sunday, end of Week 3 of run training, now in sync with the calendar. Good miles so far on the bike this week too, with a combination of commuting and riding.

Another of my issues is obsessing about miles. Healthy or unhealthy, probably the latter. Seeing milestones within reach drives me to push harder than I possibly should. With a healthy annual goal of 4,250 miles, achieving it should not be too hard with the daily commute included. However, seeing the first 1,000 coming up , I pushed to get into four figures ASAP. 1,075 and I would be a quarter of the way into my goal etc. With only a few obvious goals it was fine, but now I am digging for statistics of my previous years, and obsessing about surpassing them in style. So much so, that after 146 days of the year, I am just over 100 miles away from reaching 3,000 miles so far! At 2,875 so far, my mind is saying do 25 today, then I only have 100 to do next week to hit 3,000.

At first glance, to some, that is not actually massive mileage, however, its the rest days that are probably my weakness. This is possibly where the whole thing is falling apart for me. Any healthy regime requires rest. But what is rest, and how much total rest vs "taking it easy" do I need? If I ride the easiest route to and from work, with low effort, is that enough to call it resting? Or do I need to take a strict DO NO EXERCISE day weekly, to allow my body to play catch up? It is all so confusing,

The last time I lost weight in bulk, I was not really cycling. If anything I was just starting out with occasional rides, and much more running. 4-5 times a week, improving in fitness all the time. Now, I commute daily, taking the longer way into work, equalling about 100 miles a week of cycling on my single speed.  Then, to get any fun rides in, I ride at the weekends on one of the road bikes, to get some air, light up my heat map, and tick off hills on the 100 Climbs list.
So am I over doing it with the cycling?

In reality I know I could do with more structure, could probably do with a proper nutrition review, wean myself off fizzy drinks, which can get a bit much at times. But with all that in mind, surely I should still be losing weight? Shouldn't I? I mean, at least a pound or two a week?

That is where it loops back around to medical. While I don't think it can be anything, I can't rule it out.

So right now, I am frustrated! I need to get my head around it, before it gets itself around my head.

Stats at the moment are

Day 146
Active days 122 (rest 24)
2,875 miles ridden
Longest ride 102 miles
Longest streak 49 days

Ideally I need to remain commuting, but I guess I could cut the miles down, a bit at least.
3 days of run training a week, C2-10K so 30-45 mins per session.
A bit of training on the bike, probably at home, few hours a week.
And finally, get some floor work, stretching and yoga in, to maintain general well being.

Is that too much?

I know, I will draw up a written plan!
Right, enough thinking aloud, time to get something written up to start making things a little more structured.

That is what I am repeating to myself over and over recently. It is becoming very frustrating seeing myself gaining weight, knowing what I need to do to control it. Then promising myself that I will take control back............... And failing, badly!

As pointed out by a friend last week, my weight and body shape is something that has changed for better and worse numerous times over the past decade for example. It isn't a conscious decision to do so, but more dictated by my varying levels of health and self control. Not to mention my mental state at any given time.
Determined and dedicated, I can make huge changes in short periods of time, with seemingly very little effort. But when doom and gloom strike, it all goes to shit. I can't say I am particularly filled with doom right now, but I am certainly lacking willpower or even just plain old will!

T-shirts are getting tighter around the tummy again, yet arms and legs are looking good. Strange old body I have here, but one I need to get under control and fast.
Each week I say the old famous "next week". Then I binge all weekend as a final blowout, then fail to start. Each time it happens I beat myself up about it, and promise myself, next week.... See the cycle here?

There is no real excuse. I have a little man cave full of equipment to use, I have a bit of knowledge in training. Certainly enough to make a difference in my appearance. I can eat clean when I want to and am determined enough. But right now, none of that seems to matter, and I am doing nothing about the situation.

I should point out at this point that, having failed to motivate myself, I am  now trying to borderline embarrass myself into getting my shit together. Publicly announcing that I am failing myself, and trying to make a declaration of commitment to getting healthy again. This isn't a public cry for help as such. But please feel free to abuse me, or cheer me on, whichever you decide would be most effective.

My average weight varies +/- 30 or sol pounds. I have gone further both ways in the past, but most still maintain that at my lightest in years I looked borderline ill. My average weight surprises some people still, but it's a number I have become accustomed to these days.

For years my training ethos has been heavy and hard. Building muscle mass at quite a rate, making fitting into some clothes a challenge. That said, my physio pointed out a month ago that I have lost a large amount of muscle mass around my back, which surprisingly is a good thing for me. My words, not hers. Very noticeable for me when putting on wetsuits and scuba gear for sure.  The only downside to this is the loss has coincided with my loss of willpower, and the gaining around the waist.

In fairness to me (yes, excuse time) with recent issues with my achillies and glutes all coming to a head, and now seeing a second physio about the issues, I am mentally off my game in the name of self preservation, and physically off my game due to training limitations. That said, it's no excuse.

As I was saying, my training ethos, for years has been heavy, but I am slowly coming around to the fact that I am needing to tone more than build these days. Burn fat, and lose size, rather than build muscle and gain size. Contrary to my own beliefs, I'm apparently already quite large as muscle goes. With a GP exclaiming "oh my, you have huge arms, I mean HUGE arms" last year, I guess if someone who examines people daily says it, he must have a point.

I think this might actually be my folding point right now. I know how to train heavy, and obviously training lighter isn't so different. But the feeling between the two is worlds apart. The failure point feels different, fatigue is a whole different game, and the sensation of making changes feels confusing. But I NEED to do it.  I also NEED to get more active again. I am still up silly o'clock daily and out with the dogs, but with the weather changing the dogs are getting out less with me. Trying to pace myself so not to aggravate my achillies or glutes is a chore too. I am a power walker, not a stroller. Walking slowly makes me feel like I am getting old, and I hate it. Being overtaken is NOT cool!

So here I sit, gym equipment behind me, cloud over my head. Thinking to myself "next week", and really hoping that I am right this time. I need my mojo, I need that motivation and self discipline. I respect myself enough to care for myself. Now I just need to show it. Cut the crap eating, reduce intake, strip it all down, and for goodness sakes, WORK HARD !

I have a busy weekend ahead, but hopefully I will find the time to sit down with myself and get a training plan drawn up again. Not to high impact on my feet, allowing for morning stretches and physio too. Targeting my "soft" spots, and really taking things seriously again. I love feeling fitter than this, and heavens knows I like looking better than this. So now is the time.... Isn't it?

Wish me luck, scoff, or just close this blog and wonder why you just read all of this. Whatever you do, hopefully I will be busy getting my shit together and sorting myself out once and for all. Or at least once again! I know a lot of the above is just convenient as an excuse, I don't need telling to stop making them. I know as well as you that I am better than that. What I do know is that as much as an excuse as they are, they are also legitimate issues, but ones I can work around.... And I will !

Thanks for reading, and here's to next week. Oh and me not having to write another one of these "HELP MEEEEE!" style entries for a while.

PS, I know a few highly critical friends of mine will be reading this. I value your opinions truly, admire you commitment to yourselves, and your ongoing ability to maintain. In fact I envy that.

"One day I will be great, until then, I will be determined."