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Published on Leave a comment on Education and enlightenment on anxiety.

Today has been a very exciting, educational, and rather exhausting day.

Many months back when climbing back to the top of the mountain from my trip to the depths of depression and anxiety, my GP contacted me and asked if I would be interested in playing a part in the education of some future GP's. In the form of group sit down sessions, and mock GP consults at the Royal College of General Practitioners in London.

The initial group session was a blast, with a GP I knew, and trusted, having been on a long mental health journey with her, however the latter, which started today was a whole different ball game. A new location, new people, and travelling on public transport at peak time, what could go wrong, eh!

I left early, and missed the most of the rush hour, so at least I would arrive quite fresh. That worked well. 30 mins early, a walk to get some fresh air, and all was well. Arriving on Euston Road, I went into the building and soon found my way to the right place. Handed a sheet with my schedule for the day, a voucher (which I was not aware I would receive until recently) and a heads up of what to expect and when.

Settling down in the waiting area, I was immediately in awe of the grandeur of the place, stunning and modern, if not futuristic. Looking for friendly faces to try and make conversation with, I noticed that a large number of people there seemed to know each other already. Awkward, new kid on the block in the house!! Within minutes, the ice was broken with a lovely guy Brian. Making conversation with strangers is really not my forte, but this just seemed to work, super friendly and chatty, putting all my fears about the day at rest, one by one.

What soon became apparent was that the majority of the "role players" were in fact actors, given a brief of their character and symptoms. I however, along with Brian and a few more had no brief. Brian explained that we were presenting as ourselves. This was soon confirmed by the briefing and a quick Q&A at the end.  Take my experience with depression and anxiety, choose an aspect of it to focus on, and work with that. Sounded simple enough, I know my mental health pretty well these days.

As the clock ticked down to the first group going in, I wondered what it would be like to try and role play a real life experience. The first GP came out and introduced himself, and reiterated the original brief, choose a symptom and work with it. I was ready!

Michael Snasdell..... the first student called. It was time.

In I went, to find not only them and the GP but another 3-4 students in there observing too. A group of strangers, excellent! Given anxiety was my planned focus, it wasn't hard to get my head into the role. Anxiety was very much present. Not in a terrible way, but at least in a way I am familiar with. So I guess if nothing else, it was an authentic performance.
As the first session went on, I opened up a bit, and really offered an insight into how I actually presented on the day when I really did go to see my GP for the first time. 20 mins in, the consult was wrapping up, and CUT.... Finally I can just be me again. Time for a debrief. I have to say I was impressed, thoroughly. Given the lack of experience in diagnosing mental health issues that the students apparently had, I was amazed at how comfortable I felt, and how realistic it all was. Certainly brought back some memories for me!

With four sessions before lunch, and four more after, I have to admit I was feeling rather exhausted mentally by the time the break came around. I grabbed a bit of the lunch they had laid on, then went out for some fresh air, space, and distraction from it all. My conversation skills were waning slightly by this point. Off to an exhibition over the road, then a stroll up and down Euston Road, taking some time to stare at the awesome St Pancras Station, before heading back in for the afternoon session.

Come the first PM session I was more prepared for the students, and if I am honest, a little harder on them, partially through not wanting to repeat the same story another four times, and partly as I could tell that I was presenting a little too easily. Sorry PM students, I did it for with your best interests at heart, and you all did an amazing job.

The afternoon was pretty much like the morning, if anything over with a bit quicker. Quick enough in fact for me to get out and away before the evening rush hour took hold, which was a huge bonus given how exhausted I was by the end of it all. After the final session  popped back to the first floor and spoke with Madeleine and Niki about how the day had gone.

As a whole it was a massive thrill to be giving back to a profession that is almost completely responsible for my recovery from various mental health trials I have faced in life. From telling my GP a couple of years back that I wanted to give something, anything, back to the health service, and help as many people as I could along the way, deal with their own mental health issues, here I was. Doing it!!
It doesn't get much better than that! Genuinely.

Knowing I will be doing a couple more sessions of this is a great feeling, and I would love to be able to continue to do this, and anything else I can along the way, to help with the battle against depression and anxiety.

I was a little rather touched at being asked for a link to this blog, for them to read, as well as pass on to the students who had asked about it. Any regular and long term readers of the blog will know that I have documented my most testing of times right here, and left it all laid bare for others to read, and maybe benefit from should the need arise. I am pleased that some have already given feedback on it, and found some benefit or comfort in what they have read. It was the aim all along,

A huge thank you to everyone from Dr Elizabeth Paul at my GP surgery for suggesting this, and putting me forward to do these sessions. To Madeleine and Niki the facilitators of the course (I hope that title gives you enough credit for the amazing work you do). Not forgetting of course the amazing students who endured a day of mock consultations, and what I believe were some of your first experiences at dealing with mental health. And of course, had to put up with me!

Going back to the experiences shared with the students, I kept it as near to real life as possible, expressing fears and concerns which the conditions had presented me with at the time. Even referring back to the blog at lunch time to make sure I was staying on track. Open and honest, at times maybe even seeming a little "un-bothered" about things such as death. I won't say it was nice to see some of them struggle a bit with the questioning phase of things. Having been under exam conditions myself in recent years, I know all too well what it is like trying to keep the structure of the scenario, while following the lead of the fluid situation. I am delighted to say that by the end of it all, it was a straight 8 for 8. I would happily have revisited any of them as a GP based on my initial interactions with them. Maybe preference towards one or two over the others, but that is just a personal thing, Professionally, bravo all !!

The debrief at the end of each session gave me the opportunity to feed back to the students in the room, not only the one doing the consult. As well of course as the GP mentoring them. This was my chance to offer them a little guidance on how the session had gone, any pointers for improvements for demeanor, and give any other trinkets of information about anxiety, depression, and dealing with mental health in general. Referencing this blog a few times, I explained that while there are drugs and treatments for certain aspects of mental health, the most important bits for me had been striking up a great rapport with my GP, which enabled me to touch base from time to time,and feel like I was speaking to someone who knew me. And of course the self help side of things, such as a diary and the blog, which I often re-read to remind myself of the journeys I have been on over the years.

I will be returning next month to do another session with some more students, and in the meantime will continue to seek out other opportunities to share my experiences and knowledge with the groups of people who are the future helpers for people like myself.

A massive thank you again to Elizabeth, Madeleine and Niki for this opportunity.

I will leave it there for now, but will sure to revisit this very soon when my mind is a bit more relaxed. I just thought it important to get this blogged asap, while it was all fresh in my mind.

Published on Leave a comment on Time, it’s a strange old thing.

Time, the ticking clock of life, never stopping til our final breath. Constant in rhythm, but not in its direction.
I have had a lot of time recently to look back at my life, and make comparisons of then and now on many fronts. The deeper I have dug, the more I have realised about myself, and if I am honest, the more I have grown confused about who I am now. The thought process isn't a controlled one, nor a voluntary one. More something that imposes itself upon me at the most inopportune moments possible. Like when trying to relax or get some sleep.

Anger. That is the first thing I realise that has changed about me. People use the term "he has mellowed with age", and while it seems a bit cheesy, I have to say it is the case with me. I can look back and remember times when anger got the better of me, for the right and wrong reasons. Kicking a moving car as it jumped a red light almost hitting my new born daughters buggy, then chasing the driver down, who turned out to be huge, but not backing down. Punching through a panel in a door after a very emotional conversation with my daughters mum, telling me I couldn't see my daughter. Which resulted in slicing through my hand, gushing with blood, and having to call my heavily pregnant sister at work to ask her to come and help stop the bleeding.
The last true episode of frustration and anger I recall is when I had my Golf, back in about 2006, getting frustrated with the rear wiper I was trying to fix, knocking a few tools out of the toolbox, and losing it, and emptying the contents out, causing my then girlfriend to get very upset.

There have been many examples before that, but time has indeed mellowed me, or something has. While I still shout abuse when frustrated, and occasionally get mad at others on the road, the bulk of the anger is all in the past. Or should I say, the bulk of all irrational behaviour is history.

Then there is sadness to the point of crying. One of the emotions I really wish I hadn't lost, but went a long long time ago. The pressure valve that is crying, is a helpful one in life. When it all gets too much, it's nice (from what I recall) to just let it all go, and feel a bit better without all that emotion clogging you up inside. My last recollection of crying was around 2002, and if I recall correctly Simon Watts was the poor sod who had to listen to me blubbering on the phone for ages. But remembering back to then, I actually can, I remember by the end of the conversation feeling relieved. If you compare the need to crying to the need to pee, once it starts relief begins, and by the end of it, all is much better. Strange comparison, forgive me.

There have been lots of times in the past 13 years where crying probably would have really helped me out, but alas it doesn't happen. I get choked up, I get teary eyed, but that's as far as it goes. The death of loved ones, sad news shared with others, hell even emotional endings to films. Nothing sets the tear ducts in full motion these days, and quite frankly it sucks. I know people say some people cry too much, and I'm sure it's a chore to cry at everything, but bottling it up for years and years... That really isn't nice. If I ever do cry again, I might actually need to be put on a drip to keep me hydrated.

Other needs and emotions seem to have changed too. Like I would kill for a no strings cuddle up on the sofa with a take away and a movie, over a crazy lust filled chase for gratuitous sex. (NO, I am not saying I don't like sex anymore lol). I guess as you experience things in life, you learn what matters and what doesn't. The past decade has taught me some very valuable lessons in that department, including what physical acts are important to me over others. I know this is all a bit strange to share, but it's never stopped me in the past, so why get shy now eh.
I read an article this morning actually saying that five good long hugs a day are good for you, and it stimulates certain centres in the brain. The article is here... http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

The content I refer to here is this part.

So hug someone today. And do not accept little, quick hugs. No, no, no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs.
Via The Upward Spiral:
A hug, especially a long one, releases a neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.
Research shows getting five hugs a day for four weeks increases happiness big time.

So any offers from any of my cute female friends to help me out with this one is appreciated. Til then, it's just me an my Primark pillow :'(
But seriously, of the few I have had over recent times, it is somewhat true. A hug can feel so warm and reassuring. Hence sofa snuffle over bedroom fumble.

Back when mum was about, I was living as the son role. Even though I was grown up, mentally I still just had fun and didn't care much for the consequences. In later years, looking after her, and having to take responsibility, and get a grip on actual adult living came as quite a shock. No more safety net, and worse still, I had lost my outlet of impartiality. Now and forever more when confiding information, or just blowing off steam, choosing the right person was imperative. Naturally I think at this point I stopped being totally open. And the bottling up of thoughts and emotions begun.
I know I am open on here, but trust me there are so many more things I would not dare share openly, or in fact with another person. Trust for me is hard to find.

And there we have the next thing that time has changed. Trust.
Once upon a time, although I would not open my heart to people, I trusted a few to carry some of my darker secrets. In recent years, there is no other way to say it than I have been betrayed. Hung out to dry and offered for sacrifice, in one case almost to the point of losing my job. Yet the same people who did these things happily speak to me when the mood suits as if there is nothing wrong. Even enquiring about personal matters, like I am going to share anything like that with the backstabbing arseholes. Not just the work issue, but other times when a closely guarded secret has suddenly been discussed with others, putting me in an awkward position.
I like to think I am a pretty open book, and a straight shooter. Want to know how I feel about something? Simple, ask me. You might not like what you hear if the question is about yourself, but I will do my best to convey my feelings on the matter.
So over the years I have learned not to trust people. Sadly that leaves a select few to be burdened with all my inner most thoughts. Sorry about that.

Time changes people, it's true. But more to the point our experiences in life, over time change us, and make us the people we are today. In my case I am not sure that is such a good thing. I would not go as far as to say I am broken, but I certainly feel like some experiences in life have had a negative impact on me.
After my daughter I lost interest in having any more kids, even if the relationship had presented the opportunity, I would shy away for sure. Having been through something so traumatic as to lose contact for so long, 17 years almost now, the thought of taking that chance again scared the shit out of me for years.
That's just one example of how my past has changed me. Before that happened I couldn't wait to be a dad. Sad really.

I will wrap up by saying how I realise how much recent times have again changed me, and when it comes to self confidence, approaching situations where rejection is possible, or just laying myself bare for judgement in any walk of life, I am weak!

Oh well. Time to rebuild I guess eh.

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Published on 2 Comments on To write, or not to write, that is the question.

As some of you may recall, a few years back I lost my mum to cancer after a long battle. In the wake of that, I started writing another blog called The Diaries of a Cancer Carer. The aim of this blog was mixed. Self help for myself, as an outlet of all the emotions and experiences , but also some kind of reference to others going through the same.

A short while into the writing, I kind of lost my way for a bit, so the writing ground to a halt. But recently I have been inspired to maybe give it another shot.
I did buy a nice shiny new PC  while back so I could carry on writing another old project, but I don't seem to have found my way back to it yet. Who knows, maybe this is what I need.

One thing I DO need is a proper keyboard. The one on the Dell, this one on my Chromebook, and the one on the laptop just are not up to the job of a proper keyboard pounding session.

SO...... Shall I knuckle down and get back on with it?