It is fair to say that normal service in my head is starting to resume now. Hopefully it is showing to some people at least, with less desperate attempts for attention, and slightly less weird and unpredictable behaviour. Obviously some of the above will remain to a degree, as it's who I am. But when depressed it's just all of that on steroids, with side effects.
Without a doubt the most powerful drug know to humans it the mind. Yes Obviously the mind is affected by drugs, but the urges, sensations it creates all on its own are so damn powerful. Taking a perfectly good day into the pits, or a terrible day into the skies in a flash.
Some might say the heart plays a part in that, and maybe in a metaphorical way it can, in the same way we suffer heartbreak etc. But the truth is it is our thoughts and feelings which truly control our mood and state of mind.
Many years ago, before a night out, feeling down, a friend took a whole cocktail of drugs which would have most completely off their face, and high into the heavens. But seemingly over-riding the effects of the drugs, his mind kept him low as can be. Thought process and ability to function however was as affected as you would expect. Nothing but his own thought process was going to free him from this spiral.
As anyone who read the last few blogs will know, I have been on a bit of a whirlwind tour of my mind recently, dropping to basement level a few days ago, without warning, or indication that anything was wrong, my mind just bombed. Being quite familiar with lows like this, I prepared for the worst, and got myself ready for a long low period. Yet for some reason (part of which I understand) I bounced back, stronger and harder than I ever recall. By the next morning I was back to my old self +10% more. Strange for me.
For a long time now it has been clear to me that I am influenced by those around me, affected by their moods and state of mind. Am I a mood leech or something, or do I just get affected by trying to make others feel better at my own expense. Draining myself of mental energy for the sake of others? Strange, but I really don't know.
I had lunch with a good friend yesterday, speaking of lots of subjects including one very prominent at the moment to me. Speaking about it, I made perfect sense of the two conflicting sides of me which battle it out, trying to justify my behaviour towards certain others, and make sure that things are not totally one sided. But the truth is, its natural in today's life to give and not take, or vice versa. Sadly my tiny mind struggles with this concept at times, and for that, I pay the price.
Sometimes I wonder if I carry out apparently selfless acts for moral gratitude, from no other than myself. Like an arsonist who likes to watch their fire burn, gloat in the control of the situation and feed from its energy, I wonder if I am the same. Do I get some form of satisfaction from 'helping' others, or am I just getting close gloat on their misfortunes. Only to be drawn in, and feeling obligated to help. The two sides of my mind once again in conflict.
As ever, songs play a huge part in driving my moods, and there are certainly a few in my playlists recently provoking emotions for sure. But how.... Well simple.. My mind. Like I say, the most powerful drug known to humans. Taking the words of others used as lyrics for a song. Translating them in a way where they fit to my state of mind, thoughts or emotions, and turning them into powerful musical messages to myself. Stirring my emotions, and putting my mind into places of happiness and sadness. Sometimes in just minutes.
The drive to work can be torture, the wrong song at the wrong time and its all over for me, the day ruined in a flash. Or on the flip side the day is made in a second.
I have but a few influences on my mind recently, but powerful ones none the less. Conflicting, complex and confusing as hell, but the main thing is, im on a high, and I intend on staying here.
At times like this, my blog plays a key role, so my apologies for any weird ramblings like this that might appear over the coming days or weeks. But just know that getting it off my chest really halps with things, just like it did the other day. That simple Boom! entry changed a lot for me. So if you have things on your mind, trying to figure them out, get them onto paper or a screen. Better still if you can find anyone to listen, talk. Verbalising things can sometimes make so much sense. At times as I am saying something, I am understanding it at the same time.
The mind eh!
PS, I bought a new 'REAL' keyboard as I have a lot of writing planned over the coming weeks, so I am a happy man right now, loving typing once again.
Have a great day, and don't let that mind of yours mess about with you.
Have you ever had one of those moments, be it a penny dropping or a bulldozer smashing through the walls of your mind. Suddenly something changes or just makes sense, and boom! It's done.
Just had one of those right this very second. Like a plane hitting an air pocket and dropping a thousand feet in a few seconds.
A void appears, consuming you, taking your thoughts both rational and fictional, and tearing them into tiny pieces. Uncertainty looms, confusion arrives, and your mind works overtime to try and regain control.
Mental and emotional free fall sets in, and you are along for the ride. Simple thoughts now become complex and confusing, the most mundane task seems like a chore. How could this all happen so fast?
Sometimes references in life can trigger you to draw parallels to your own business, be they fictional, or factual. First hand or a tale told by another, they are all relevant when your mind makes that connection.
Helpless, the fall is over, you have survived it, but are lost, in a strange place, no idea where you are, where to go to seek out the normality you crave so badly now. Searching the deepest corners of your mind, trying to find the reference you need to make sense of it all, and to get back to your crazy life you call reality.
Strength, lacking in it, you dig deep, a smile, a thought, just something to give you the strength you need right now, right this second to take control again, become the master of your own destiny once more, and shake free from the reigns which have guided you to this place.
Rise.... From the ground, collecting yourself, gathering your thoughts, drawing up your battle plan to once again be that person.
Welcome to the inner workings of my mind. Another epic mistake, a misunderstanding or simply over reaching? The question need not be answered, but the lesson must be learned.
As some of you may recall, a few years back I lost my mum to cancer after a long battle. In the wake of that, I started writing another blog called The Diaries of a Cancer Carer. The aim of this blog was mixed. Self help for myself, as an outlet of all the emotions and experiences , but also some kind of reference to others going through the same.
A short while into the writing, I kind of lost my way for a bit, so the writing ground to a halt. But recently I have been inspired to maybe give it another shot.
I did buy a nice shiny new PC while back so I could carry on writing another old project, but I don't seem to have found my way back to it yet. Who knows, maybe this is what I need.
One thing I DO need is a proper keyboard. The one on the Dell, this one on my Chromebook, and the one on the laptop just are not up to the job of a proper keyboard pounding session.
SO...... Shall I knuckle down and get back on with it?
For years now I have been perceived in many different ways, from warm and caring, to cold and callous. I see myself somewhere in the middle, while I care about things that are important to me, I am somehow able to override or switch off from other emotions.
It seems the closer something or someone is to me, the more I am able to ignore or at least mask my feelings about it.
Over the years friends and family have become ill or died suddenly, yet I recall only ever crying once. When Adam died. The first person I had ever spent a lot of time with, dying. It was a bit of a shock to the system, but passed quickly. Previously to that my aunt had passed after a short illness, and while I was openly saddened by it, I somehow felt peace from knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.
But as the years have gone by, I recall crying very little, even about some rather traumatic times I have experienced. Is it normal not to cry, is it strong or weak to cry? Everyone has a different answer.
Personally I have no shame or fear of the emotion, and from past recollections, I remember feeling relieved and exhausted by the experience, but at the same time satisfied. So not being able to have a release when going through a tough time can really suck at times.
I have noticed over the past few years that I get choked up quite easily now, emotional stories, tear jerking films, or even moments which get the heart racing and adrenaline pumping around the body, the throat tightens, the eyes water, but it's far from crying.
Over a space of 4-5 years I have lost a lot of people very close and dear to me. When family you have known your whole life slowly slip away from you, you expect the mind and body to need a release, turn a page, start fresh, cleanse the soul and all that. But for some reason, for me, nothing! All just matter of fact, all just par for the course.
So great has my concern grown at times about this, I have actually sought counselling in the past, to talk through my feelings and see if there is either a trigger I'm missing, or a blockage in my mind stopping me letting go. Something from my past which makes me fear crying, but there isn't.
My only thought on the matter is that I have had a bit of a tough life in younger years, learned to be a bit of a loner due to things which have happened, and somehow shut down the part that shows weakness and sorrow. I can express it verbally, I can rationalise death so clearly, but just can't rally up the physical emotion.
It's a strange feeling, a horrible feeling, emotional constipation to be blunt. While I know there are people who think they are weak or silly to cry, people who mock crying, I can only envy those people who can actually tap in, and let go.
I have never grieved, rarely expressed emotion over any kind of break ups or partings of friends, and look on helplessly as others around me express their emotion on a common subject.
This isn't a strength, I know that for sure. And while it makes me a strong character, someone who can be relied on at a time of distress or upset, it is a weakness in the same breath. As you look to me to help you cope, as I hold you your hand and tell you it will be ok and to let it all out. Deep inside I envy you and wish we could swap for just one minute, and you could help me dig deep within my soul and open it up.
Not sure where this blog has come from, guess it's like the lava of a volcano bubbling away under the surface. It may never erupt, it may never be seen, but somewhere in the depths of me it a boiling pot of emotions.....
Thanks for reading.