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Often I try and catch a screengrab of my life and current mood, so to speak. To try and accurately reflect what it REALLY is at that moment in time. Depression is vague and varied to say the least, and its effects can change hourly. So putting your finger on a particular moment in time, and expressing how you feel is sometimes nigh on impossible.

Today I find myself caught in a simple loop, empty and alone. I want to scream out HELP ME!! at the top of my voice, reach out and grab hold of someone to I guess give me the attention and conversation I am craving. If this was a Facebook status it would be something as simple as the famous "FML", in the hope that the right person will read it in the right way, and reach out with a hand to lift me a little.

Trying to stave off an injury, I am less active than I would be usually, not impossible to get out and about, but anything I do alone will be excessive and harm my running for Friday. That is a blow I can't afford right now. The achievements there are one of the things keeping my morals head above water.

Starting conversations in my head, but getting no reply makes me realise that the solitude I sometimes seek, is not all it is cracked up to be. And the choices I have made regarding who I surround myself with, and how many, might have been a slight miscalculation as to how much contact and attention I need, especially right now.

Feb has never been a kind month to me, and as the years have gone by, quite frankly, as much as I try and deflect the feeling it gives me, it sucks. Cue the additional cyclone of destruction entering my head right now.

Confusion about how I feel, what my mind is trying to tell me, or the direction it is trying to pull me in. Shut the world out, or open the blinds and let a few bright rays of light through to warm me from within. Stop fighting and just give in to my mind, or refuse to be dragged to the depths that are calling.

Even my therapy group, surrounded by supposedly like-minded people, and therapists who "care", gives me anxiety for 2 days leading up to sessions. I think it is fair to say its not working very well for me.
The support I have had from some friends has been enormous, and far better than what is being offered on the NHS with CBT. But there comes a point where you feel you have exhausted your friends, and gone on for long enough. The thought of asking for their help causes anxiety. Even then, finding the right one to open up to and get everything off your chest is nigh on impossible.

I guess what I am saying here is quite simple. I know I am surrounded by wonderful friends, and I am eternally grateful for what you have done for me over the past months and years. But right now I am slipping badly, and feel I am in trouble, and I don't know who to tell, or what to say. I need someone, I need something, I have no idea what. I am a helpless captive in my own mind, too scared to ask for help, too proud to reach out. And far too conscious to bother anyone with what might seem so trivial.

Looking at the screen as I type, I am not getting across half the things in my mind, but am starting to realise how hopeless I feel right this very second.

I know it has been a long time since I shared a blog like this, but I felt it was the right thing to do. The irony of the whole thing is, if someone offers help, I am likely to play it down and brush it aside. If you have never felt this way, let me explain quickly.
You know something is wrong, you know what you need to do, you know how to do it..... But putting something into action where you enable yourself to do what you need to to recover and bounce back...... Seems just impossible.

Thanks for reading, and as usual, there is no physical danger implied in this blog, so please don't worry.
Just very trapped.

It's no secret that I am "in the system" as such for therapy to try and deal with whatever it is that is eating away at me. Strangely as things have progressed, so have the feelings and symptoms of it all. Today I made a breakthrough all on my own, realising that anxiety is almost my coping mechanism for depression. As the cycle goes around from deep thinking and low moods, so the anxiety begins while I search for the reasons for the depression. Somehow I trap myself at depression almost subconsciously protecting myself from the lows of depression. Knowing I can still function on some level with anxiety, but very little function when depressed. This I know for a fact. But how I have come to this coping mechanism I have no idea.

Blocking the outside out, disengaging from people, and avoiding social situations of all kinds happens with both anxiety and depression for me, but when only anxious, I say "only", I can still manage to get to smaller shops, communicate with a small few people, and of course exercise. With the depression I know that my day consists of dark rooms and staying in bed, and withdrawing from society to the point where even housework and day to day responsibilities suffer.

Anyway, back to therapy, that's what this entry is meant to be about.
Quickly looking back over the timeline.
Mid Nov, GP referred me to IAPT, the therapy section of the local NHS.
Early Dec, I received a letter acknowledging my referral, followed by an hour long phone call to see what therapy I needed.
Mid Dec, I received notice of my first therapy appointment for early Jan
Early Jan, went to first session and later blogged about it. I had been sent for CBT, but didn't feel it was going to work for me, but agreed to stick at it.

Today, I had my second appointment with the therapist. Last week I was given a sheet to fill out for 7 days, every two hours. Logging my activity, mood, mood intensity, sense of achievement, contact level and enjoyment. And also a test sheet to score my anxiety and depression. On arrival at the appointment I handed them over only to be given the log back telling me it was for me. Errm I lived those days, so am pretty sure I know how I felt. Thanks for giving me something pointless to do!
The test score sheet was glanced at then put away.

At the opening of the session I was told that the therapist had spoken to her boss, who had agreed with her that I should probably be referred to a "depression group". Run by 3 people, and considered high intensity, they felt that this would be a better way for me to progress. Or I could stay at one to one therapy and carry on as I am. No pressure.... but choose NOW, you can't do both to see which is best, its one or the other. In reality the sales technique used felt quite bullish, so naturally I went with the easy option and accepted the group sessions.

By all accounts it is more a course than a group, with presentations and education on depression and self esteem, touching on anxiety. Or there was another group dealing with anxiety and stress. But tackling my two issues together seems impossible. In the therapists own words, having a depression and anxiety group would take forever to to get through. Well sorry for being awkward. We can help with one or the other, but not both, choose!
So the course lasts til April, 90 mins a week, in Lewisham. Active participation is not required so I am told. On describing the course to me, she explained it was 90 mins with a break and refreshments in the middle. And that during these breaks people can mingle and interact. My reaction was "oh god, strange people", to which I was told it was good for me to be "forced" into a social situation and to interact with people. Guess you didn't read the section on my test score where I rated interactions with people as stressful and upsetting then.

All that said and done, most of my worry is caused by the anxiety and the unknown, I could get there and feel fine, I know this. But I can't help but feel that so far this whole therapy effort has been a farce, so am really not encouraged to hold out much hope for the next stage.  With having an hour long phone assessment, then my first appointment being an assessment and introduction to CBT. Only for my second appointment to scrap everything that has happened so far, be given a huge pile of hand outs to read and be told, start with someone new again on a different road next week, really undermines my faith in trying any of this. I know these are tried and tested methods, but can't help feel ignored when I have said over and over that conventional counselling has worked for me before. Encouraging interaction, dealing with my past, and digging deep to find the root of this feeling. But hey, what do I know, I'm only the one trapped in my own head.

The outcome of todays session was about as negative as it can get really. I came home, tried to walk the dogs, managed Tuvaaq, got to the top of the road with Aana and turned back giving up. Great, too fed up to even walk! Coming back home with Aana, I ran a bath, had a quick soak, realised I was dropping off, so got out, dried off and went to bed for a couple of hours.
I would have to check back in my mood diary to see the last time I felt so low that I just completely shut down. But it has been a while. So to come from a help session and feel SO damn low, well that just sucks!

Since getting back up I have been for a walk on my own listening to music. I know I am not physically exhausted as my legs had plenty in them, but the motivation to keep moving, even with music in my ears was a struggle to say the least. So I am left feeling alone, withdrawn and misunderstood. Thrown from pillar to post as they make some kind of effort to help me. If I were to see my GP any time soon my feed back would be poor. If I could afford to go private with counselling, I would in a heartbeat.

Right, here is hoping the mood passes by tomorrow, and see if I can get back in the saddle, metaphorically speaking, and depending on the weather, maybe in the actual bike saddle.

Oh one other thing. Last week I expressed to the therapist how much exercise and walking I was doing, telling her distances and durations. Today she mentioned this, and I said yesterday I walked 15 miles and rode 25. She cocked her head and looked and me and said "in one day?" I said yes, I walk that most days. Glad she were listening last time!

2

Strange title, but hopefully it will make sense on a number of levels at some time soon.
First off, I just wanted to throw these out there....

A wise man once said....

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?


I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

OK, so that was actually from Eminem's "Beautiful" track. But I have to say, it really strikes a chord with me right now, and in fact, probably for quite a few periods in my life. Hell it's one of the reasons this blog even exists. Except instead of being an award winning musical talent, I am a lone blogger who does the same thing, but in a different way.

So, Faceless, why so. Well many years ago on a popular radio station in London, there was a show called "Faceless". I say a show, more a segment in the breakfast show on Kiss 100. The segment was a computerised voice reading a daily diary entry of a man. Someone from the true walks of life, dealing with the trials and tribulations of day to day life for the average Joe out there. Listening in daily you grew addicted to hearing what had happened to this complete stranger. Starting to understand what drove him, and how his mind worked. In fact hearing how powerful a diary entry could be is what first started me writing. Letting all those thoughts that were over-spilling out. Of course back then the internet was in its infancy, and blogs were none existent.

I mention this, as in a strange way, my blog is another version of the show. With people who don't really know me looking in for a glimpse of what is going on in my life. Maybe inadvertently, who knows. But the moment you start to read one of my more personal entries, that is what is happening. Before you wince and think that is a criticism, fear not, it's not. I am actually grateful that I attract any interest in a rather boring and mundane life, so thank you. I know my entries are embellished a little with humour (well I try anyway).

When I say "people who don't really know me" I mean it with the greatest of respect. I don't believe that people I interact with are not interested in me, and do not wish to get to know the real me. However there lays the problem, and the second link to the "Faceless" title.. Me !

Having lived as an almost alter ego for a few years, making connections with most of the people who have gone on to be some of my most frequent acquaintances, and of course a few friends along the way too, sometimes it is hard to distinguish which part of me is real, and which is fake.
Like a persistent liar struggles with the blurred line between the truth and the lie, I too struggle. With a very strange conflict indeed. One of who I am, who I became, and who the hell I was before all this started.

In 1995 I was in my early 20's and a new father. By my mid 20's I was separated, in a new relationship and changing jobs. By the eve of the new millennium I starting to become someone else. The internet was blowing up and become an alternate reality for many, groups were forming and popularity battles were beginning. By 2002, coming on for 30 I was this who new person. Oddly enough though, in future years I would come to question who that person even was.

Following the success of a website and internet forum for the car community, on a very very small scale I had gained popularity. People knew the name "Snazy" an obvious nickname which has followed me through life. (surname Snasdell, nickname Snazy...... you follow?), With popularity comes interest, and with interest comes social circles. In reality that is where the transition really began, with the introduction to rafts of new people, I suddenly had a chance to reinvent myself. Something that happened perfectly naturally, and without me even realising. Before long I was this Snazy guy, and had a certain persona to live up to. So each time I would go out, the game face would go on, and I would be this chubby, wannabe funny guy, who from time to time made an impression.

As the years rolled on, and people started to grow up a little, I got into a relationship, and people moved off to start families, careers and all that other stuff that grown ups do. Little by little the group disbanded, and a core of friends and mates remained. A group I am grateful to to this day. During this time I started to go in reverse, and ease away from this once internet persona, and return to regular old Michael, but there was a problem. Somewhere in all the excitement the master copy, the template had been lost, and so had my identity. Now becoming Michael again seemed a little harder than expected, so parts of Snazy remained.

Years later, as I cling for dear life to the last strands of that previous life, I bring into question my whole existence now. Not in a morbid way, but more a moral way. Who the bloody hell am I these days.

I was chatting to Sarah today, and as I was sitting sipping my coffee, my mind just wandered off. Not bored by the company, but challenged by the topic of conversation. Just the simple little things, like what I want from a friendship and a relationship. If you were asked that question right now, with a blank canvas, could you honestly answer it? Not what do you have, but what do you WANT!
Almost as perplexed as the day the careers adviser came into school, I was lost. Such a seemingly simple question, but without understanding me and my own needs in life, how the hell was I meant to answer that one. The meltdown began!

For the rest of the day I have been thrashing my tiny mind, playing the Eminem song over and over and over. Triggering lots of thoughts, memories, and emotions deep within.  For someone who has experienced quite a lot of emotions from both ends of the scale, to feel so empty and responseless is a very surreal feeling indeed. For someone with so much to say both verbally and in writing, I was honestly lost for words.

In all the bravado of life, keen to keep people close, eager to please, and living up to a reputation which seems to have followed me into my 40's, I have truly lost sight of the goal. I have no idea how to answer the question.

As a desperate response, all I could offer up were words of wisdom, or tried and failed anyway. Expressing that I think we all need to find the missing piece in our lives, the one thing that we as an individual lack, but someone else brings to us, as a gift, as a bond. Connecting you in a way that only the two of you can understand. It's mushy I know, but I was desperate. That said, there is some truth to it. Problem is, you can't put your finger on what "IT" is until it's there, and then it is so seamless, you struggle to find what exactly it is that makes the situation feel so right.
OK, ramble over.

Back to the problem. I struggle on a day to day basis to even make sense of what I am doing for the next 16-18 waking hours, let alone understand the complexities of my fragile and weird little brain. That said, I know I need to make contact with it somehow, and extract from it what exactly it is trying to tell me with all these strange thoughts, wild actions, and changes in mood.

Over the coming week I have some time off, so am firstly going to try and get on writing and maybe even finishing my book, and maybe do a little soul searching. So I apologise in advance for any strange blog entries. You don't have to read them, they are just there to throw the thoughts out of my head so they are there before me to make sense of. If you want to read them and get even more confused about me, feel free.

Finally before I sign off, there is one more thing. Who do YOU think I am? To many people I appear to be very different, hard headed, soft hearted, confident, confused, each of you see a rather different person. We all do that to some degree, but what almost alarms me is how peoples perceptions of me change so wildly as a different side of me is exposed. In an ideal world I would love to be the same open, honest and caring person to everyone. But the truth be known, some would exploit that, to those people I remain strong and manipulative. Some take advantage over the caring side, and overload the mind with all their worries, with no concern for my own. A very one sided, sounding board situation. So for that reason I remain complex.

Unfortunately, more for me than others, keeping up this charade takes its toll. Not just on me, but on others too. Failing to be able to swing far enough from one persona to another, I get jammed up and stuck in one frame of mind, and when most needed by friends, I am unable to shake myself free of this mindset, and fail to be there when needed. Shying away from obligation, choosing not to engage in a situation which I would in other circumstances be more than willing to help in. For that, I am truly sorry.

I try not to blow hot and cold, but know that is how it seems to some. Give me time, give me a second chance to show you I do care enough to be there when it counts.

Well, that will do for now, this is a lot longer than originally planned, and has digressed somewhat from the blog entry I had in my mind a few hours ago. Bring on the Blackberry Priv and the chance to hammer out some of my old style blogs where the actual real time thoughts flowed from my mind.

Thanks as ever for reading, I hope it makes sense to some somewhere along the way. It certainly feels better to have said it all.

PS, some have recently commented that I seem unhappy, or depressed. I can neither confirm nor deny this. After all to some, my mood is their perception. Right now I feel like I am on top of things, happy in my day to day life, and making progress with current goings on in my life.
I of course bow to the superior knowledge of those outside my head, they can probably see a lot more of what is going on than I choose to let myself see. You concerns are appreciated, and I am in no way shrugging your opinions off. I am merely trying to stay positive and keep my head above water. I have had some lows that I am aware of recently, and right now feel better than I did then.

One day at a time eh, who knows, I might even work myself out one day and click once more.
And they say women are complex!
Then again, I have been told numerous times in life that I am in touch with my feminine side, so I blame that!

After deep thought and careful contemplation, the final outcome to my recent train of thought, is, "bollox to it".
A lot has gone on over recent weeks and months, health, personal life, work life, home etc. Lots to think over, loads to consider, and I have realised something. The more I rely on others, the more involvement others have on my day to day life, the more complex things become.

Right now, simplicity rules my life, having found a solitary existence, blocking out all sorts of external influences, and getting into my own solid routine was working well. Then came hospital appointments, changed priorities, and worst of all, a change in the routine I had found.

Training has slipped to one side, my creative mind has turned to absolute shit, and eating is terrible. All stuff three months ago which were high on my list of priorities. I have let myself become distracted, and have fallen victim to myself.

The worst part about the whole thing is my damn mind. Unable to let anything go, dwelling on random crap that just brings me down. Turning the slightest hiccup in to an almighty fuck up in a single heartbeat. If only my brain could just do what it did on meds, and just let shit slide once in a while, I'm sure I could be much happier.

My problem is free time, thinking time, dwelling time. If I stick to my plan and stay busy, my mind doesn't get a look in. The day flies by, spirits stay high, and negativity can just go do one. But having fallen from routine, I have these awkward gaps in my day and week which desperately need plugging. Its almost like a sanity leak.

The dilemma kills me time and time again. Boring but solid routine, or exciting but risky existence, with scope for dive bombing moments of disappointment, which can spiral into moments like this.
I trust routine, I crave routine, but maybe my routine needs a little freshening up. Nothing wrong with change here and there eh.

Right now though, I want to go to sleep this evening, wake on Monday morning with a huge cup full of motivation, a little luck on my side with my achillies, to allow me to get on with life, and slip back into routine. Chances of it happening like that are pretty damn slim, but hey, got to stay positive, right!

So many trains of thought all leaving the station together right now, tugging my heart and mind in so many directions, and it's confusing the hell out of me, wants, desires, ambitions, and inhibitions... Which way to go. Time to take the fall of faith, and just let myself drift into the path which wins me over I guess.

With all that out of my head, I am going to go and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until my eyes can't stay open any longer. Then drift off into a state of broken sleep, filled with flashing images of the past, the future, and all that terrifies me. And you thought Halloween was a time of fiction and fun. Well, welcome to Halloween in my head! It's not pretty.

I bid you farewell for now, and remember... Bollox to it all !

Just thought I would try and put into words how I am feeling right now, as I don't seem to be able to understand it myself at the moment.
Waking this morning, I slept OK, so got straight to business, and getting the dogs walked.
Build up to it was fine, then walking out the door, the first wave of thoughts and emotions. It's Sunday, I don't do the morning walks alone on a Sunday, but I guess I better get used to it, this is Day 1 of different.

Getting into my stride, I start doing my usual chatting to myself in my head, playing things out, replaying any events of the past day or two. Its what over thinkers do, its nothing new to me. But obviously this time there is a rather prominent topic, and so it begins. Acceptance of the situation, as I have said before, it's a shock but no real surprise to me. Then the memories, the realisation of the changes, and what will I say to other people. Not, will I tell the truth, but how will the conversation go, EXACTLY. Word for word. Another over thinkers trait.

All around the walk, the dogs do things, but there is no one to talk to, thoughts come into my mind, but again, I'm alone. Sure there are many caring people only a message away, but its not the same. It's not spontaneous.

By the end of the hour and a half of dog walks (takes twice as long as I'm...... yup, alone!) I get back to the house, and I would be lying if I didn't say there was a feeling of dread as I walked up the drive, no Mini. In the house, deadly silence. Coming into the house a huge wave of emotion smashes into me, thoughts as fast and frantic as the pages of a book as you flick through it. Memories, worries, and loneliness.

I feed the dogs, and unlike usually, I skip breakfast myself. A twisting gurgle feeling in my stomach, now is not the time for food.
Instead I come to my little space (scattered with memories of trips, and adventures shared), head down, ignoring the keepsakes, I log on to the PC. Having posted a few status updates on Facebook before heading out with the dogs, the replies and comments are plentiful, for which I am grateful. Everything from deep expressions of sorrow, to totally missing the point.  But it's only right to reply to them, and not seem like a recluse.

So I get started. Many comments tripping me up with emotions, unintentional triggers. Reflections of the past, surprise, and everything in between. A little light humour, a lot of gratitude, and a few ideas all thrown into the melting pot of thoughts. Meanwhile my IM is also pinging away, numerous conversations, again from all angles.
Now as the fury of messages and conversation grows, its getting too much. Too much to think about, decide, work out, plan..... My brain is melting.

Limiting myself to just a couple of conversations, I try and focus on what I need to do next, and work out what is happening immediately in front of me. Then logging off and hitting the streets. Walking once again, the mind goes wild all over again. Trying to keep my focus, shut out the negativity, and remember what is important. Friendship, staying in touch with my bestie, and knowing that while I have this almost overkill of activity and concern, she probably has the complete opposite right now.

As I finally get back home again, after a short unexpected trip to the shops, the doom greets me.

On the final few roads, it all starts to fall into place. That while we have been together for a long time, and I have almost stolen her youth away from her. I realise that I have realised for a long time that this day would come. Have even joked about it over the years, both with Chantal and others. But the realities don't dawn on you until it happens.
Our relationship has been unorthodox for a long time now. One if explained to others, they would just not get. But in all that, I have found my best friend, my companion, and someone who I can trust and rely on.
Or I had... And that's the bit really chewing at my heart right now. Put simply, I'm lonely... VERY VERY lonely, and it scares me so very much. Teeth clenched as I type this, throat tight, it is a horrible realisation, and one I simply don't want to get used to. I am surrounded by mates and a few good friends, but no one quite matches. I don't like this feeling one bit.
I know we will stay friends, I know I can rely on her for anything I need, someone to talk to etc. But that's the whole foundation of the situation. Dependency, on each other, has backed her into a corner which I simply can't justify trying to keep her in any longer.

So while I have nothing to fear, as I know help is so close by, I have EVERYTHING to fear, knowing that the only way we can stay friends and as close as we have grown, is if I give all of that up.

I'm sorry for putting my thoughts and personal life out there, and sharing things that possibly should remain between us, but I have to make sense of it all. I have to get the thoughts out of my head. Before they consume me.

I made a comment to someone earlier, that my head is like an all-in-one soup maker. And after shredding all my thoughts, destroying my mind, it sets about simmering them, bubbling away, cooking up something. Just sitting here waiting for it to churn out whatever the final outcome is.

I know I haven't said it much over years, but just want to throw this out there. Over 12 years, I have gone from spending time with a girl I hang out with, to learning to love someone so much, and fear any hurt or ill intent towards them. Secretly worrying all the time, and I guess you could say forming a synergy. Existing as one, even when far apart. There is a lot of emotional blurb coming to the surface right now, but I just need to be honest and say quite simply, I love you and I miss you SO much Chantal. Its been just over 12 hours, and already my mind is struggling with how things go on from here.

Of course we will be fine, it's not the end of the world. Its just quite simply, the end.

On the flip side to all this. I praise the courage it has taken to be honest about the whole situation, and reach this point. To be as mature and open about it as you have been, and for every gesture you have made since leaving last night. Of course I can say this all to you in private, but I want others to know how proud I am of the woman you have grown into. Strong, fierce, and now truly independent.

I could go on all day, this was only meant to be short, but that will do for now.
Sorry for rambling on so much, but it works for me.

5

You know me, when I can't get a thought out of my head, when it just keeps going round and round, it's to the blog I turn. Now is one of those times.

So I could beat around the bush, but lets get right to the crux of it... I just got dumped. After 12 years!
Now it's only fair that I am clear about this, and honest from the start. We have been together a long time, and there are NO bad feelings between us. But there comes a time when sometimes it's just best to go your separate ways. On this occasion, it is one of them.

The past week hasn't been a good one really. Obvious something was up, dreading asking because of the suspicion it would be just this conversation. So this evening I decided to pluck up the courage, et voila, there is was.

If I'm honest, I have probably expected this for years now. I haven't always been fantastic to be around, routine was becoming a bit obvious it was a chore, and lets face facts, what pretty girl in her late 20's wants to be stuck with a chubby broken guy in his 40's lol.

I'm just messing. We have had a fantastic time over the past 12 years, and she has truly been my rock through some dreadful times in my life. Caring for mum, putting up with my depression, and being there when I needed someone to rely on. So thank you for all the good times, and sharing the bad times.

Hopefully this mature approach (other than me putting it all over the internet within 20 mins of her leaving)  will protect the amazing friendship and bond we have built over the years. I know I am happy to stay as besties as long as its permitted, and hope the feeling is mutual.

So for all you mutual friends out there, no being mean, ya hear! There is no bad blood, nor will there be. So no sides need to be taken. If anyone does, I will take hers, and kick YOU to the kerb 🙂

However, and there is always a however in these blogs.... I'm left kinda wide open right now. Having not shed a tear in about 12-13 years, not being one for being overly emotional, dealing with things like this always catches me out somewhat. Heart racing, stomach churning, dry mouth, and a little confused, but no actual exit or show of emotion about the matter. Instead I will blog lots, toss and turn, and be mentally restless for however long it takes to "get over" the situation.

I in advance thank anyone who contacts me, offers to talk, lends an ear, or just sends their expression of sorrow about the matter. I appreciate it very much, and will reply asap, in usual fashion.

Right, I'm going to sit and sulk for a while now, I may be some time! Don't worry about me though, I'm not a fan of doing stupid things, other than publishing my life. So if I am quiet, I am probably just doing something on my own for a bit to catch some air.

So there you go, WOWZA I'm single! But don't have a bad feeling in me, so please don't either.

Have you ever had one of those moments,  be it a penny dropping or a bulldozer smashing through the walls of your mind.  Suddenly something changes or just makes sense,  and boom! It's done.

Just had one of those right this very second.  Like a plane hitting an air pocket and dropping a thousand feet in a few seconds.

A void appears,  consuming you,  taking your thoughts both rational and fictional,  and tearing them into tiny pieces. Uncertainty looms,  confusion arrives,  and your mind works overtime to try and regain control.

Mental and emotional free fall sets in,  and you are along for the ride.  Simple thoughts now become complex and confusing,  the most mundane task seems like a chore.  How could this all happen so fast?

Sometimes references in life can trigger you to draw parallels to your own business,  be they fictional,  or factual. First hand or a tale told by another,  they are all relevant when your mind makes that connection. 

Helpless,  the fall is over,  you have survived it,  but are lost,  in  a strange place,  no idea where you are,  where to go to seek out the normality you crave so badly now. Searching  the deepest corners of your mind,  trying to find the reference you need to make sense of it all,  and to get back to your crazy life you call reality.

Strength,  lacking in it,  you dig deep,  a smile,  a thought,  just something to give you the strength you need right now,  right this second to take control again,  become the master of your own destiny once more,  and shake free from  the reigns which have guided you to this place.

Rise....  From the ground,  collecting yourself,  gathering your thoughts,  drawing up your battle plan to once again be that person.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.  Another epic mistake,  a misunderstanding or simply over reaching? The question need not be answered,  but the lesson must be learned.

Night night.