Category: alone

“I am so depressed”

A phrase we have become accustomed to using over our lives. One we use when something has gone wrong for us. Nothing life changing, nothing actually too serious, but when it occurs it really throws a spanner in the works. Didn’t get the concert tickets you wanted, the new game you wanted has sold out, your phone breaks, or you lose some money. All things that really do make you feel a slump in the moment. So when given the chance to express ourselves, we will generally use this phrase, or similar.

The strange thing is, when people truly are depressed, it is the last thing they will say. A person recognising they are dropping into a state of depression is more likely to make excuses, such as tired, un-bothered, or just not in the mood to do something. In the moment they have time to seek support and help, they just shut down and hide from the feeling.

The two kind of go hand in hand, with the first use of the word diminishing the seriousness of the word, and the person in the second example just doesn’t want to be mixed in with the slightly over dramatic use of the word. Running the risk of being told “it will be ok” or “get over it”
Neither of which are of any help to someone struggling with their mind.

The over exaggerated use of the term “depressed” has just become fashionable now, just like “I’m so OCD” (no you are just tidy), or comparing your over excited, hyperactive child to someone with  ADHD. These are all serious matters, but the fashionable use of these phrases has really taken the focus away from the true sufferers. Now the services who deal with all these issues are at breaking point, with people being assessed for conditions, and some entering treatment, while in reality there are other issues which are presenting as the real thing.

I know that sounds a bit far fetched, but from experience with depression, just seeing the mix of people who turn up and describe their symptoms, it is clear that some are better suited to community and social projects, which allow them to frequently interact with others, rather than going through a long process of learning to deal with issues they clearly don’t have. And I say that not selfishly or blinkered, but with the confidence that when someone cannot relate to a single issue anyone else has, but wants to complain about the health service for half an hour, there is more to it that depression.

This isn’t to say that these people don’t deserve treatment or attention, of course they do. They are clearly facing issues of their own, which a GP has put down as depression, but need to be assessed in a way that doesn’t just say “depression Y/N”. The same applies to others with behavioural issues. Easier to put them down as an attention disorder, than challenge the parent on their parenting skills. Not every naughty child has a condition, but sometimes it is easier to just say “I can’t control him”, than taking the time out to see if it is something you are doing which is promoting this behaviour.

Like I say, I am not for one second sneering at the actual conditions. But on all fronts, there is a fine line (actually a mighty chasm) between feeling down, and being depressed, or misbehaving and ADHD. One remains in your control to a large degree, the other you are just a passenger along for the ride, with no control over the direction it all goes in.

Now I am no expert in child behavior, so I will not say another word on the matter, other than to tip my hat to the parents who have kids with any of these conditions, and don’t make excuses. Digging your heels in and getting on with what life has presented you with is an incredibly brave and strong thing to do. In fact I would go so far as to say that you are some of the best parents out there, and side by side with a spoiled brat, your children probably shines brighter than most. And no reason whatsoever that they should not.

As for depression, I can certainly speak on this matter with good authority, at least from my own experiences. I would not for one second wish to even start to belittle someone who has been on a different journey to me, and suffers in other ways. There are many forms of depression, it comes in many shapes and sizes. My experience is just one. But one I want to share as much as possible to ensure that it stops being such a forbidden topic, the social shame is lifted from over the condition, and people suffering can lift their heads and say ” I am depressed, and proud to be dealing with it”

Depression is in short the suppression of our ability to engage, think rationally,  interact, and form trust bonds with others. There are many other symptoms, but these four cover a lot of those in an umbrella kind of way. So having our whole existence suppressed, the last thing we need. Without existing, how do we recover. Hidden away in a dark room every spare moment of our lives. Managing to put on an brave face to do the things we need to do. Going to work looking like all is well, head down like we are busy. Daring to speak to no-one in case we give the game away.

Once outside of work, shunning social opportunities, avoiding going shopping in busy places where possible, running from people, decisions, pressure or anything we cannot control the outcome of. Or as it is described in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), seeing things through a negative filter.  Assuming anything we choose to do will turn to crap, fearing the worst outcome of doing anything other than hiding ourselves away. Even worrying that our closest friends will reject us if we dare to tell them we are suffering from depression.

Nope, admission of depression is between you and the medical practitioners, and is top secret. Taking your medication in private, even hiding it at home from loved ones. Maybe even just throwing it away, or to the back of a drawer, as the stigma surrounding “anti depressants” is just all too much to be mixed up in. In truth, it is the people who DO actually sneer at people struggling with depression who have the issue. Being so judgmental, pointing the finger and mocking people who are brave enough to face their demons in public. Maybe it is those trying to mock, who actually suppress their own issues the best. Is it they who are most in need of support, trying to deflect their own issues onto someone standing tall at such a tough time?

I am not sure why in this day and age, with so many people having suffered a breakdown, or on going depression or anxiety, there is so much stigma attached to the conditions. Given how many well loved and highly acclaimed celebrities have come out openly, talking about their battles through their lives. Facing their demons, while putting on such a strong public face. Hiding it all away for the sake of their image, before saying enough is enough, and speaking out urging people to support those suffering. Even some of the most loved, taking their own lives, only for the world to realise what a terrifying and lonely world their idol lived with .

Quotes like “Despite being surrounded by people, I feel so alone” is a good example of what it can feel like to be in a state of depression. I know Robin Williams was apparently quoted as saying similar. Happiness and sanity is not found in popularity, wealth, or a lavish lifestyle. Being surrounded by so called friends does not make you emotionally rich. If anything it numbs the senses even more, and draws you away from the important things in life. By the time you realise how far you have strayed from the sanctity of your comfort zone, you are out there being preyed on by the wolves of the mind.

I consider myself very wealthy as far as the quality of my life goes. I have the material objects I desire, none of which make me happy, they just help cocoon me in a bubble I share with the richer things in my life. My dogs, my few true friends, my mental strength, and the belief in myself that I can make a positive impact on others lives, using the experiences in my own life. My circle of friends has changed a lot in the past few years. Realisation that knowing someone for a long time does NOT make them a good friend, just an old acquaintance. And now knowing that support and genuine friendships can come at any stage in life, and sometimes from the most unlikely places. Two true friends coming from an internet forum that drove me to the brink last time I was suffering with depression. Sleepers who sat an observed, and helped me back on my feet when the time was right. With no prompting, no pleading, just their own selfless actions. For this I thank them.

But this is the real problem, the support network.
Anyone who knows me, and if you read my blog, you will understand I am far from timid with the written word. I don’t hold back, and I rarely paint a pretty picture when underneath life is bleak. If its dark, I say it as it is. Sometimes a strong point, other times a bit of a mood killer, but it’s who I am.
After spending many years trying to please others, and meet their expectations, I decided to be me, and I stay true to that every day. Again, it is not always what people want to see, but the days of faking and pleasing are in the past, so please don’t ask me to be someone I am not.

For others however, even those with outgoing personalities, dealing with the realisation that you are actually depressed is a tough one. Admitting to it is something huge, possibly only choosing to tell one or two people, and most of the time not your nearest and dearest. The truth be told, some of the outgoing personalities are just what I was doing. The brave face, the loud deflecting voice, desperate to save my dignity, and not let on I was falling apart inside. See that is what depression is all about. Losing control, but desperately fighting to maintain image.

To admit you are depressed, genuinely, is for some like admitting defeat or weakness. It’s like backing out of a challenge of any level, before even trying. And even the most grounded person knows that is never a good feeling to do once, let alone over and over. Convinced you will fail, sure you cannot achieve what you need to, and being scared of facing the consequences, and how your peers will react.
Have you ever dreamt that you have left your house with no clothes on, or that you are running away from something, but seem to be running on the spot. The level of helplessness you wake with, the panic and fear of losing all control of your dignity and self control. Well that is how it can feel every minute of every day.
One of the biggest fears in my experience of depression was being judged. I think as a whole, when you breakdown all the different aspects of depression, a lot of them come down to the same thing, how other will perceive us.

Walking down a street, feeling anxious that everyone you make eye contact with is staring at you, and judging you. You look strange, messy hair, cheap clothes, and so on. The list is endless, but you will read far more into their glance than they could possibly have gathered and judged you on. A simple exchange of words with someone, over analysed until it was meant with such hatred and malice. Everything is dark and negative, nothing can possibly be positive for a second. This continues until staying indoors, or going shopping late at night, or in the smallest shop possible is the only way to go on. Now hidden away, safely separated from society.

As I have said though, the only people who would really look at you in such a way are most likely suppressing issues of their own, and just fighting back their own fears of others judging them.

So what does a depressed person need from you? If you think someone is depressed, what can you do to make things better for them. And by better I mean help them on the road to recovery, rather than a patronising “there there there” and a pat on the back, making it all better for them.
I have to say there is no single simple answer to such a question, with all cases presenting differently. You may have noticed a change in their behaviour, withdrawn from group events, or just being quiet for a long period of time. Trouble engaging as they usually would.
For me, I would say I benefited simply from knowing people were there when I was ready for them to play their part. Having already declared my depression made that easier, but I know that isn’t every ones approach.
If it is not clear what the issue is, but you suspect things might not be great, don’t barrel in full of questions and suggestions. Just tread gently, but be the friend they know and trust. There is no need to smother someone, just indirect reassurances that you are about if they fancy a drink or a chat some time, in their own time.

There is no right way, go with your instincts. You know the person you know as a friend, so be yourself, if your help is needed, your support wanted, I am sure the time will come when this is obvious, and it can all flow naturally from there. I kept a lot of my friends out of the loop when I was at my lowest. Partially where I didn’t want to bother them, and partly because they were the wrong person for the job at the time. It’s nothing personal, just how the mind can be at times. You wouldn’t turn to an outgoing party animal to be there in silence while you grieve, or an introvert friend to support you in a confrontational situation, so accept it that there is a tool for every job.

The biggest question for me in all this, from a sufferers perspective is why so many people live in a constant state of depression, and either refuse to act on it, or fail to identify their state of mind.
I guess there are logical answers to both, but for me I don’t want to see others suffer in silence. Even those who seek help, get meds and go to counselling, will avoid telling friends for some reason. Again speaking from experience of others who have admitted after a long time they too fought with depression.
Identifying you are struggling with depression or anxiety is understandable. It is so easy to assume “everyone feels this way”, but the reality is, they’re not. It is not normal to dread getting up and facing the world day after day. Holding your tongue at home or at work, just to avoid the confrontation, and instead living in a suppressed state is not normal, contrary to belief. Fear of being judged by people when you are out in public, refusing to make eye contact or even waiting for the automated paying in machine in a bank while 3 cashiers are free just to avoid speaking to someone (like I did) is NOT normal.

Sometimes overcoming these issues can be as simple as taking a look from afar and making changes in the way you look at life, and accept treatment from your peers. Other times some form of help is needed. From counselling to chatting to friends and letting it all go. To entering the system so to speak, and going on record with your GP to seek help. None of these actions in any way make you weak or a failure. A little vulnerable yes, but for the right reasons. Sometimes being laid bare is an enlightening and empowering experience. Throwing caution to the wind, and only caring about yourself for once. Taking the steps to make life better, and trusting others to help you achieve that.

I am determined to keep talking about depression. Hopefully slowly but surely helping as many people as I can realise that being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. It should not be hidden, and the stigma attached to the condition needs to go away. Over the past few years there are more and more campaigns to raise awareness of depression and mental health. Not a minute too soon I say, in fact maybe a decade too late. But the movement has started. I applaud those spearheading the campaigns, and praise anyone willing to share their stories of how desperate they have felt at times. There is no demographic description for someone who will become depressed. Rich, poor, outgoing, introvert, it takes all types. Even famous people, yup, that’s right, even the rich and famous battle with mental health.

It’s not a life choice, it is not something we bring upon ourselves. Mental heath issues affect who they want, how they want, and when they want. There is no choice in the matter whatsoever. The only choices we have are how we will cope with an issue if and when it strikes. Standing tall, not hiding, and reaching out are some of the best things you can do. However, when you are able to do that is all a matter of time. The second you realise, or a month after starting medication, that bit is all down to you.

I have rambled on for long enough now, but want to close by saying this.
Mental health is a serious issue in the UK, and one reaching epidemic proportions in some regions. Awareness is poor, understanding is hit and miss. Acceptance of the conditions is growing, and this is a positive step for the sufferers. However treatment varies, funding is seemingly inadequate, and the focus from the top down seems to be somewhat sporadic. The whole matter needs serious reappraisal, and a proper plan needs to be drawn up to deal with the rising number of cases. Not by sidelining people, and leaving them waiting months and months to receive some help, in the hope that they will just get better. And certainly not discharging people for missing a couple of sessions of a course, making it seem that they have successfully recovered. This is what I was told after missing one session due to heightened anxiety one day. Miss another, be discharged. Not dismissed, but discharged as OK.

Initial assessments need to be timely and thorough. Actual issues need to be properly identified, and the correct course of treatment should be made available in a reasonable time frame. Once someone is diagnosed as depressed, the clock is well and truly ticking, so time is of the essence. I don’t expect things to change and improve over night, I am realistic. However I also appreciate the importance of the right help at the right time, and understand the implications of drawing things out, and not receiving the help you need in time. I was lucky, my meds were helping and my core of friends were reaching out to keep me afloat. But if I had been alone, I don’t know if I would have made it in the right state of mind to the CBT course. I may have been too far gone by that stage.

I really do hope that there is an improvement to the system over the next few years. Certainly from my perspective, knowing that depression is usually a reoccurring condition, and from both experience and education, each case being worse than the last, I really hope that by the next time I am hit with a bout of depression, the mental health system on the NHS is as prepared as my friends are to hold me up and get me back on my feet as soon as possible.

Please feel free to email me directly with any feedback on this entry, to chat, to discuss etc. No one should suffer alone, so please don’t.

I am the key to my recovery.

Since November it is fair to say I have had many moments and moods. Some which I would rather never experience again,  and others I wish I could hold onto and live over and over again.
From hope to utter hell,  my mind and the life around me have treated me to all kinds of delights and nightmares.
Finding what I think is stable ground,  only for it to all fall away from beneath me,  dropping me to the depth of depression I have never experienced before. Being forced to reach out in desperation to people to help me keep my head above water,  as recently as last week!
Each time I rise again from a drop in mood,  as I feel the strength building again to stand up against these  feelings and fight back,  my mind fools me,  pretending that something is the linchpin in the moment,  and that without it I will fall apart again.
The truth is,  the linchpin is in fact me. Of course I cease up at times,  and need friends to get me moving again.  But once I am able to,  I find myself standing strong and fighting hard to stay afloat for longer each time.
Leading myself into a false sense of hope based around something or someone I find and believe to be hugely beneficial to me and my recovery is in fact detrimental to my recovery. Almost like an addict fighting a habit of drugs and believing that alcohol is helping. It is an easy path to slip into.
One which makes me comfortable,  happy and distracts me from the things in life I am trying to avoid or be able to work with again. Instead there is an alternate reality which tempts me away from  the path of recovery,  and on to a path of temptation and fantasy.
Each time this happens,  the longer the self deceit lasts,  the further from the path I stray,  and the harder it becomes to get back on track.
Realising this is huge,  and a great help we of sound mind.  As is knowing the signs of a dip on mood,  or what your triggers for a mood swing are. However,  like over eating for example. Knowing it is bad for you is good,  knowing what you should be doing is good….  Actually sticking to it,  following what you know to be good for you is very hard at times. Especially when it’s brain vs brain.
As the mind gets going,  the devil of depression on your shoulder is so good at convincing you that you should turn to an alternative,  believe in something false,  and throw yourself at it 100%. Sadly the other voice,  the one of reason and practicality is muted and has no say until it is all too late.
Opening your eyes,  waking from the fantasy which has fast become a nightmare,  the failure,  self loathing,  hatred and anger all comes rushing back. How stupid are you,  this is the 3rd time we have done this,  when will you learn,  why do you keep doing this to us. The voice of logic is once again present,  but instead of soothing and guiding you to recovery,  it bombards you with negativity. Trying to drum it into your thick head… STOP DOING THIS!
As many will tell you,  it’s not the only voice to say things like this. People around you will do the same. Get over it,  just don’t do it,  cheer up,  it will be ok. All words of amazing wisdom,  but which also display a complete lack of understanding. A friend recently very refreshingly said that he wouldn’t offer any words of hope or wisdom as he knew they would not help.  And that is all others have to do. Nothing is better than  something daft,  believe me.
So with all this in mind, and my recent blog of Single Forever still being fresh. It seems solo is the way ahead in my life for a number of things and reasons. Not a bad or a sad thing. In fact being in control of my company is a good thing. Right now I have huge lows,  and an blessed with people I can turn to for either trivial distraction conversation,  or can just open up to.  Sounding things out to them has helped me see clearly at times,  and has led me to conclusions like this one. That recovery is my responsibility, and others around me have little impact on it.  So there is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.
I’m not closing down or shutting people out,  just taking the helm and steering this ship the way it needs to go. My posting on Facebook is generally pictures (inc Strava) or blog links like this one. And as a whole it is a happy way to be.  I try not to engage with people now,  have a lot of feeds turned off these days, and limited friends.
Yesterday I had a very clear realisation that the recovery here is not going to be quick or simple.  There are no shortcuts, no escape routes,  I just have to weather the storm,  and come out of it alone. My doctor warned me at the beginning of this episode that the second is usually worse and longer. Harder to treat, but a determined mind is able to rise up. Finally after 3 months of trying to prove her wrong, trying to fight the truth, I have accepted that I’m pretty much stuck for now.
I can write with ease when  my mind is clear. I can engage people in very small numbers (2 is a crowd!) I can have perfectly normal times during the day. Find pride and accomplishment in things I do, like running  and cycling for example. But I am also able to turn on myself in a flash,  tear down towers of achievement in seconds,  and turn into my own worst critic and enemy.  Worst part being,  it is all done with no explanation or warning. Hence my phrase “mood bombs”
My fight is to control these lows and moments of self loathing,  find peace in relaxation,  rather than  fearing silence. And to find some self respect which I can  hold on to on the journey back from the depths of depression.
I have seen lots of stories recently about men dealing with depression,  and how it is a hidden killer. Campaigns and appeals for men to rise up and seek the help they need. But at the same time I have also seen the help system from the inside, and still struggle to comprehend how the assessment process really works. Rejecting requests for counselling which I know works for me, and instead placing me on a group CBT course which I find detrimental to my state of mind.
I am seeing my other GP again thankfully,  another one who I trust and saw me through my last bout of depression years ago. It will be interesting to hear his take on the matter,  and see what he advises.
Thank you for reading this far.

Self imposed solitary confinement.

Yesterday turned out to be the turning point I have been  expecting for a while now, and my god it turned fast. Like a jet fighter doing a vertical stall, my mood has shot up over recent days, but reaching stalling point, the past 12 hours have been spent plummeting to earth at breakneck speeds.

Yesterday afternoon I could feel myself losing momentum, reducing physical activity is probably a large catalyst in the matter. Sitting around equates to thinking, and we all know what sort of trouble that gets me into. I guess it is a much needed reality check of how I am really doing right now in my fight, but unwelcome all the same. 
At some point I needed to emulate a “normal” day, with periods of not running my body into the ground as a distraction. No point thinking all is well and starting to reduce meds, and get back to work, if in reality the only thing holding me together is the sweat from over exertion. So this could the the reality I guess. For all the positives I have taken from the past few weeks of rising from my New Years mood bomb, the cold hard truth is that I am not much further down the line to recovery.
The whole therapy thing hasn’t helped one bit I have to say. I have my first group meeting today and I am filled with dread about it. Probably not helped by this dip in mood, or maybe it is part of the cause of it, I don’t know for sure.
So for now, to avoid any ripple effects, I am putting myself into solitary, withdrawing and retreating from as much around me as I can, and going it alone again. No excuses, no one to blame for anything, just me, myself and I. Not trying to be ignorant, not avoiding anyone for any particular reason,  but just simplifying things the best I can. I have a meeting with the boss at my home this morning, so if all goes well that will be my only contact until later this evening, IF I go to the group. Time will tell on that one.
Right now, I feel like a horrible, worthless, empty, attention seeker, who just doesn’t want to burden anyone, or rely on anyone. This is my mess, and I need to sort it myself. This is a slippery slope I know, but right this second its how my head feels, and the only way I know how to “cope”.

The trip to the doctors.

Well that was easier than expected….NOT!
Arriving in the area a little earlier than expected, I decided to go for an extended walk around the block. Having walked to the surgery, I was already nice and warm, but not ready to sit and wait, so wanted to make the waiting time as short as possible.

Rocking up at the surgery a few mins before the appointment (OK 5 mins), I went inside, registered my arrival and sat down. As soon as I did, the thoughts started all over again, along with fiddling hands and a bouncing knee, borderline uncontrollable. Wondering who this doctor was, and what they would be like. A few minutes later all was answered.

In the hallway appeared a lovely gentle looking lady, calling my name. As I got up and walked over, she introduced herself as the doctor. We sped down the hall to the consult room, and I sat down. Right, I thought, I have this all sorted out, so here goes. This is what I said.

I don’t know how to explain myself, errm, depression, stress anxiety…. *I looked up to see if she was following. She was smiling and patiently waiting. *
I have been like this before, years ago, deeper, darker, I don’t want to go back there. *My hands start gesturing and waving, my eyes searching around the room*
I can’t ….. I don’t ……. errrm. THIS! This is it…..

On looking back up, she was smiling back at me, a reassuring look on her face, she replied simply “ok”.

Taking another deep breath and trying to calm my nerves, I start over again, this time a bit more composed, explaining that I had even written out what I wanted to say, but the stress of even having this conversation is just too much to think straight. Stopping for a moment, I just breathe, and can feel my heart pounding in my chest, light headed and slightly confused. I tell her this is how I am feeling right now, and how hard this consultation is for me.

We take a break for a moment while she looks through my notes, seeing how far back it is since such an episode occurred. I tell her its been 4-5 years, the notes confirm this.
Getting back to the present she enquires into what I feel might have triggered this, anything happened recently, or that I have been dwelling on for some time. We discuss possible triggers, and how I feel about aspects of day to day life. The obvious question of consideration of self harm comes up, and it is batted back with strong reassurances that I have never felt that way, and I confirm I would seek immediate help if it ever crossed my mind.

Now onto the sticky bit, how do I want to proceed. Knowing the options of meds, counselling or both, she decides that given how things are right now, starting on medication immediately would be wise, and as I like to speak openly, she also decided that a referral for counselling should also be made. Knowing of course that it could take some time. Another reason the meds should begin straight away. The decision is made to remain off work for the time being, and to allow things to normalise without provocation. No added stresses or changes, just me, daily life and the meds, and see how we all get along, and if the dose is right.

As this conversation went on, during breaks in speaking, I could feel my heart slowing, and started to feel more relaxed about things. Expressing this to the doctor, she was pleased by this, and said as hard as it had been it was most definitely the right thing to be doing now, and catching it before it gets any worse. Apparently recurrences of anxiety and depression can happen much faster, and strike much harder at times too. Good to know, and explains how fast I went down the pan in a week.

A referral form for the counselling form, a prescription for the medication, and a sick note for work are all printed and presented to me. She then says she would like to see me in two weeks time for a reassessment of the situation. Going through her diary it appears that the week she was aiming for is booked out with medical students in the surgery, and she is worried this might not be fair on me. I reply expressing my happiness for students to be present, and anything they can learn from this is fine by me. Looking back in slight shock and delight she says that if I am OK with it, it would be a great opportunity for them. Then it is agreed, that week is fine.

So here I sit now, after necking my first pill of many, after saying how strongly against the idea I was, given that they were the doctors decision, and me not asking for them, I am happier with them. The down sides of course are.. I’m officially on medication again now, so needs declaring when asked, and I didn’t really want to be on them but hey. Then there are the hallucinations in the early days, at least that is what I had last time. Not so much full on hallucinations, but a blurred line between awake and asleep, conscious and subconscious. You know when you wake up in your dream, then wake up for real? Well try doing that about 4 times before you actually wake up. Quite strange. We shall see if that happens.

Then there is the one thing I hate the most. Mind numbness. At the moment I over think everything, even more than normal. Taking meds helps with that, but last time it swung me the complete opposite way. Lack of attention. You know when you think you need to do something, then you plan out how and when, then you drop the matter until the said time arrives? Well my thought process goes to “I must pay that bill………….Ah well!” And nothing in between.
Obviously a numb mind also could mean shorter blogs, I’m sorry! lol Lets see if the change is shorter, less, or just more rational and better structured entries.

One last thing before I go, and I know most won’t have got this far, so am not expecting a huge group watching over me. But this is the first time I have ever been on these meds and been living alone, so actually have no one to tell me if I am acting differently, being stranger than normal, or anything like that. So going back to blog entries and social media etc, if you do see a change, please let me know. You don’t have to come banging my door down, just mention it, so I am at least aware. Being off work, I am going to try and keep as much company as I can where possible, so again, if I see you, let me know how I’m doing.

Thanks for reading, thanks for the messages and support I have received in this short space of time. I know I say ” I appreciate it” a lot, but it’s not hollow, it’s sincere, and the only way I know to express my gratitude.
One final thing. Sorry for being dull, depressing or just a little off with you if I have been. The fact I am even engaging with you shows my true intentions, but right now I tend to make a mess of them from time to time. So if you can, please look past this.

All a bit strange..

Just thought I would try and put into words how I am feeling right now, as I don’t seem to be able to understand it myself at the moment.
Waking this morning, I slept OK, so got straight to business, and getting the dogs walked.
Build up to it was fine, then walking out the door, the first wave of thoughts and emotions. It’s Sunday, I don’t do the morning walks alone on a Sunday, but I guess I better get used to it, this is Day 1 of different.

Getting into my stride, I start doing my usual chatting to myself in my head, playing things out, replaying any events of the past day or two. Its what over thinkers do, its nothing new to me. But obviously this time there is a rather prominent topic, and so it begins. Acceptance of the situation, as I have said before, it’s a shock but no real surprise to me. Then the memories, the realisation of the changes, and what will I say to other people. Not, will I tell the truth, but how will the conversation go, EXACTLY. Word for word. Another over thinkers trait.

All around the walk, the dogs do things, but there is no one to talk to, thoughts come into my mind, but again, I’m alone. Sure there are many caring people only a message away, but its not the same. It’s not spontaneous.

By the end of the hour and a half of dog walks (takes twice as long as I’m…… yup, alone!) I get back to the house, and I would be lying if I didn’t say there was a feeling of dread as I walked up the drive, no Mini. In the house, deadly silence. Coming into the house a huge wave of emotion smashes into me, thoughts as fast and frantic as the pages of a book as you flick through it. Memories, worries, and loneliness.

I feed the dogs, and unlike usually, I skip breakfast myself. A twisting gurgle feeling in my stomach, now is not the time for food.
Instead I come to my little space (scattered with memories of trips, and adventures shared), head down, ignoring the keepsakes, I log on to the PC. Having posted a few status updates on Facebook before heading out with the dogs, the replies and comments are plentiful, for which I am grateful. Everything from deep expressions of sorrow, to totally missing the point.  But it’s only right to reply to them, and not seem like a recluse.

So I get started. Many comments tripping me up with emotions, unintentional triggers. Reflections of the past, surprise, and everything in between. A little light humour, a lot of gratitude, and a few ideas all thrown into the melting pot of thoughts. Meanwhile my IM is also pinging away, numerous conversations, again from all angles.
Now as the fury of messages and conversation grows, its getting too much. Too much to think about, decide, work out, plan….. My brain is melting.

Limiting myself to just a couple of conversations, I try and focus on what I need to do next, and work out what is happening immediately in front of me. Then logging off and hitting the streets. Walking once again, the mind goes wild all over again. Trying to keep my focus, shut out the negativity, and remember what is important. Friendship, staying in touch with my bestie, and knowing that while I have this almost overkill of activity and concern, she probably has the complete opposite right now.

As I finally get back home again, after a short unexpected trip to the shops, the doom greets me.

On the final few roads, it all starts to fall into place. That while we have been together for a long time, and I have almost stolen her youth away from her. I realise that I have realised for a long time that this day would come. Have even joked about it over the years, both with Chantal and others. But the realities don’t dawn on you until it happens.
Our relationship has been unorthodox for a long time now. One if explained to others, they would just not get. But in all that, I have found my best friend, my companion, and someone who I can trust and rely on.
Or I had… And that’s the bit really chewing at my heart right now. Put simply, I’m lonely… VERY VERY lonely, and it scares me so very much. Teeth clenched as I type this, throat tight, it is a horrible realisation, and one I simply don’t want to get used to. I am surrounded by mates and a few good friends, but no one quite matches. I don’t like this feeling one bit.
I know we will stay friends, I know I can rely on her for anything I need, someone to talk to etc. But that’s the whole foundation of the situation. Dependency, on each other, has backed her into a corner which I simply can’t justify trying to keep her in any longer.

So while I have nothing to fear, as I know help is so close by, I have EVERYTHING to fear, knowing that the only way we can stay friends and as close as we have grown, is if I give all of that up.

I’m sorry for putting my thoughts and personal life out there, and sharing things that possibly should remain between us, but I have to make sense of it all. I have to get the thoughts out of my head. Before they consume me.

I made a comment to someone earlier, that my head is like an all-in-one soup maker. And after shredding all my thoughts, destroying my mind, it sets about simmering them, bubbling away, cooking up something. Just sitting here waiting for it to churn out whatever the final outcome is.

I know I haven’t said it much over years, but just want to throw this out there. Over 12 years, I have gone from spending time with a girl I hang out with, to learning to love someone so much, and fear any hurt or ill intent towards them. Secretly worrying all the time, and I guess you could say forming a synergy. Existing as one, even when far apart. There is a lot of emotional blurb coming to the surface right now, but I just need to be honest and say quite simply, I love you and I miss you SO much Chantal. Its been just over 12 hours, and already my mind is struggling with how things go on from here.

Of course we will be fine, it’s not the end of the world. Its just quite simply, the end.

On the flip side to all this. I praise the courage it has taken to be honest about the whole situation, and reach this point. To be as mature and open about it as you have been, and for every gesture you have made since leaving last night. Of course I can say this all to you in private, but I want others to know how proud I am of the woman you have grown into. Strong, fierce, and now truly independent.

I could go on all day, this was only meant to be short, but that will do for now.
Sorry for rambling on so much, but it works for me.