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A phrase we have become accustomed to using over our lives. One we use when something has gone wrong for us. Nothing life changing, nothing actually too serious, but when it occurs it really throws a spanner in the works. Didn't get the concert tickets you wanted, the new game you wanted has sold out, your phone breaks, or you lose some money. All things that really do make you feel a slump in the moment. So when given the chance to express ourselves, we will generally use this phrase, or similar.

The strange thing is, when people truly are depressed, it is the last thing they will say. A person recognising they are dropping into a state of depression is more likely to make excuses, such as tired, un-bothered, or just not in the mood to do something. In the moment they have time to seek support and help, they just shut down and hide from the feeling.

The two kind of go hand in hand, with the first use of the word diminishing the seriousness of the word, and the person in the second example just doesn't want to be mixed in with the slightly over dramatic use of the word. Running the risk of being told "it will be ok" or "get over it"
Neither of which are of any help to someone struggling with their mind.

The over exaggerated use of the term "depressed" has just become fashionable now, just like "I'm so OCD" (no you are just tidy), or comparing your over excited, hyperactive child to someone with  ADHD. These are all serious matters, but the fashionable use of these phrases has really taken the focus away from the true sufferers. Now the services who deal with all these issues are at breaking point, with people being assessed for conditions, and some entering treatment, while in reality there are other issues which are presenting as the real thing.

I know that sounds a bit far fetched, but from experience with depression, just seeing the mix of people who turn up and describe their symptoms, it is clear that some are better suited to community and social projects, which allow them to frequently interact with others, rather than going through a long process of learning to deal with issues they clearly don't have. And I say that not selfishly or blinkered, but with the confidence that when someone cannot relate to a single issue anyone else has, but wants to complain about the health service for half an hour, there is more to it that depression.

This isn't to say that these people don't deserve treatment or attention, of course they do. They are clearly facing issues of their own, which a GP has put down as depression, but need to be assessed in a way that doesn't just say "depression Y/N". The same applies to others with behavioural issues. Easier to put them down as an attention disorder, than challenge the parent on their parenting skills. Not every naughty child has a condition, but sometimes it is easier to just say "I can't control him", than taking the time out to see if it is something you are doing which is promoting this behaviour.

Like I say, I am not for one second sneering at the actual conditions. But on all fronts, there is a fine line (actually a mighty chasm) between feeling down, and being depressed, or misbehaving and ADHD. One remains in your control to a large degree, the other you are just a passenger along for the ride, with no control over the direction it all goes in.

Now I am no expert in child behavior, so I will not say another word on the matter, other than to tip my hat to the parents who have kids with any of these conditions, and don't make excuses. Digging your heels in and getting on with what life has presented you with is an incredibly brave and strong thing to do. In fact I would go so far as to say that you are some of the best parents out there, and side by side with a spoiled brat, your children probably shines brighter than most. And no reason whatsoever that they should not.

As for depression, I can certainly speak on this matter with good authority, at least from my own experiences. I would not for one second wish to even start to belittle someone who has been on a different journey to me, and suffers in other ways. There are many forms of depression, it comes in many shapes and sizes. My experience is just one. But one I want to share as much as possible to ensure that it stops being such a forbidden topic, the social shame is lifted from over the condition, and people suffering can lift their heads and say " I am depressed, and proud to be dealing with it"

Depression is in short the suppression of our ability to engage, think rationally,  interact, and form trust bonds with others. There are many other symptoms, but these four cover a lot of those in an umbrella kind of way. So having our whole existence suppressed, the last thing we need. Without existing, how do we recover. Hidden away in a dark room every spare moment of our lives. Managing to put on an brave face to do the things we need to do. Going to work looking like all is well, head down like we are busy. Daring to speak to no-one in case we give the game away.

Once outside of work, shunning social opportunities, avoiding going shopping in busy places where possible, running from people, decisions, pressure or anything we cannot control the outcome of. Or as it is described in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), seeing things through a negative filter.  Assuming anything we choose to do will turn to crap, fearing the worst outcome of doing anything other than hiding ourselves away. Even worrying that our closest friends will reject us if we dare to tell them we are suffering from depression.

Nope, admission of depression is between you and the medical practitioners, and is top secret. Taking your medication in private, even hiding it at home from loved ones. Maybe even just throwing it away, or to the back of a drawer, as the stigma surrounding "anti depressants" is just all too much to be mixed up in. In truth, it is the people who DO actually sneer at people struggling with depression who have the issue. Being so judgmental, pointing the finger and mocking people who are brave enough to face their demons in public. Maybe it is those trying to mock, who actually suppress their own issues the best. Is it they who are most in need of support, trying to deflect their own issues onto someone standing tall at such a tough time?

I am not sure why in this day and age, with so many people having suffered a breakdown, or on going depression or anxiety, there is so much stigma attached to the conditions. Given how many well loved and highly acclaimed celebrities have come out openly, talking about their battles through their lives. Facing their demons, while putting on such a strong public face. Hiding it all away for the sake of their image, before saying enough is enough, and speaking out urging people to support those suffering. Even some of the most loved, taking their own lives, only for the world to realise what a terrifying and lonely world their idol lived with .

Quotes like "Despite being surrounded by people, I feel so alone" is a good example of what it can feel like to be in a state of depression. I know Robin Williams was apparently quoted as saying similar. Happiness and sanity is not found in popularity, wealth, or a lavish lifestyle. Being surrounded by so called friends does not make you emotionally rich. If anything it numbs the senses even more, and draws you away from the important things in life. By the time you realise how far you have strayed from the sanctity of your comfort zone, you are out there being preyed on by the wolves of the mind.

I consider myself very wealthy as far as the quality of my life goes. I have the material objects I desire, none of which make me happy, they just help cocoon me in a bubble I share with the richer things in my life. My dogs, my few true friends, my mental strength, and the belief in myself that I can make a positive impact on others lives, using the experiences in my own life. My circle of friends has changed a lot in the past few years. Realisation that knowing someone for a long time does NOT make them a good friend, just an old acquaintance. And now knowing that support and genuine friendships can come at any stage in life, and sometimes from the most unlikely places. Two true friends coming from an internet forum that drove me to the brink last time I was suffering with depression. Sleepers who sat an observed, and helped me back on my feet when the time was right. With no prompting, no pleading, just their own selfless actions. For this I thank them.

But this is the real problem, the support network.
Anyone who knows me, and if you read my blog, you will understand I am far from timid with the written word. I don't hold back, and I rarely paint a pretty picture when underneath life is bleak. If its dark, I say it as it is. Sometimes a strong point, other times a bit of a mood killer, but it's who I am.
After spending many years trying to please others, and meet their expectations, I decided to be me, and I stay true to that every day. Again, it is not always what people want to see, but the days of faking and pleasing are in the past, so please don't ask me to be someone I am not.

For others however, even those with outgoing personalities, dealing with the realisation that you are actually depressed is a tough one. Admitting to it is something huge, possibly only choosing to tell one or two people, and most of the time not your nearest and dearest. The truth be told, some of the outgoing personalities are just what I was doing. The brave face, the loud deflecting voice, desperate to save my dignity, and not let on I was falling apart inside. See that is what depression is all about. Losing control, but desperately fighting to maintain image.

To admit you are depressed, genuinely, is for some like admitting defeat or weakness. It's like backing out of a challenge of any level, before even trying. And even the most grounded person knows that is never a good feeling to do once, let alone over and over. Convinced you will fail, sure you cannot achieve what you need to, and being scared of facing the consequences, and how your peers will react.
Have you ever dreamt that you have left your house with no clothes on, or that you are running away from something, but seem to be running on the spot. The level of helplessness you wake with, the panic and fear of losing all control of your dignity and self control. Well that is how it can feel every minute of every day.
One of the biggest fears in my experience of depression was being judged. I think as a whole, when you breakdown all the different aspects of depression, a lot of them come down to the same thing, how other will perceive us.

Walking down a street, feeling anxious that everyone you make eye contact with is staring at you, and judging you. You look strange, messy hair, cheap clothes, and so on. The list is endless, but you will read far more into their glance than they could possibly have gathered and judged you on. A simple exchange of words with someone, over analysed until it was meant with such hatred and malice. Everything is dark and negative, nothing can possibly be positive for a second. This continues until staying indoors, or going shopping late at night, or in the smallest shop possible is the only way to go on. Now hidden away, safely separated from society.

As I have said though, the only people who would really look at you in such a way are most likely suppressing issues of their own, and just fighting back their own fears of others judging them.

So what does a depressed person need from you? If you think someone is depressed, what can you do to make things better for them. And by better I mean help them on the road to recovery, rather than a patronising "there there there" and a pat on the back, making it all better for them.
I have to say there is no single simple answer to such a question, with all cases presenting differently. You may have noticed a change in their behaviour, withdrawn from group events, or just being quiet for a long period of time. Trouble engaging as they usually would.
For me, I would say I benefited simply from knowing people were there when I was ready for them to play their part. Having already declared my depression made that easier, but I know that isn't every ones approach.
If it is not clear what the issue is, but you suspect things might not be great, don't barrel in full of questions and suggestions. Just tread gently, but be the friend they know and trust. There is no need to smother someone, just indirect reassurances that you are about if they fancy a drink or a chat some time, in their own time.

There is no right way, go with your instincts. You know the person you know as a friend, so be yourself, if your help is needed, your support wanted, I am sure the time will come when this is obvious, and it can all flow naturally from there. I kept a lot of my friends out of the loop when I was at my lowest. Partially where I didn't want to bother them, and partly because they were the wrong person for the job at the time. It's nothing personal, just how the mind can be at times. You wouldn't turn to an outgoing party animal to be there in silence while you grieve, or an introvert friend to support you in a confrontational situation, so accept it that there is a tool for every job.

The biggest question for me in all this, from a sufferers perspective is why so many people live in a constant state of depression, and either refuse to act on it, or fail to identify their state of mind.
I guess there are logical answers to both, but for me I don't want to see others suffer in silence. Even those who seek help, get meds and go to counselling, will avoid telling friends for some reason. Again speaking from experience of others who have admitted after a long time they too fought with depression.
Identifying you are struggling with depression or anxiety is understandable. It is so easy to assume "everyone feels this way", but the reality is, they're not. It is not normal to dread getting up and facing the world day after day. Holding your tongue at home or at work, just to avoid the confrontation, and instead living in a suppressed state is not normal, contrary to belief. Fear of being judged by people when you are out in public, refusing to make eye contact or even waiting for the automated paying in machine in a bank while 3 cashiers are free just to avoid speaking to someone (like I did) is NOT normal.

Sometimes overcoming these issues can be as simple as taking a look from afar and making changes in the way you look at life, and accept treatment from your peers. Other times some form of help is needed. From counselling to chatting to friends and letting it all go. To entering the system so to speak, and going on record with your GP to seek help. None of these actions in any way make you weak or a failure. A little vulnerable yes, but for the right reasons. Sometimes being laid bare is an enlightening and empowering experience. Throwing caution to the wind, and only caring about yourself for once. Taking the steps to make life better, and trusting others to help you achieve that.

I am determined to keep talking about depression. Hopefully slowly but surely helping as many people as I can realise that being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. It should not be hidden, and the stigma attached to the condition needs to go away. Over the past few years there are more and more campaigns to raise awareness of depression and mental health. Not a minute too soon I say, in fact maybe a decade too late. But the movement has started. I applaud those spearheading the campaigns, and praise anyone willing to share their stories of how desperate they have felt at times. There is no demographic description for someone who will become depressed. Rich, poor, outgoing, introvert, it takes all types. Even famous people, yup, that's right, even the rich and famous battle with mental health.

It's not a life choice, it is not something we bring upon ourselves. Mental heath issues affect who they want, how they want, and when they want. There is no choice in the matter whatsoever. The only choices we have are how we will cope with an issue if and when it strikes. Standing tall, not hiding, and reaching out are some of the best things you can do. However, when you are able to do that is all a matter of time. The second you realise, or a month after starting medication, that bit is all down to you.

I have rambled on for long enough now, but want to close by saying this.
Mental health is a serious issue in the UK, and one reaching epidemic proportions in some regions. Awareness is poor, understanding is hit and miss. Acceptance of the conditions is growing, and this is a positive step for the sufferers. However treatment varies, funding is seemingly inadequate, and the focus from the top down seems to be somewhat sporadic. The whole matter needs serious reappraisal, and a proper plan needs to be drawn up to deal with the rising number of cases. Not by sidelining people, and leaving them waiting months and months to receive some help, in the hope that they will just get better. And certainly not discharging people for missing a couple of sessions of a course, making it seem that they have successfully recovered. This is what I was told after missing one session due to heightened anxiety one day. Miss another, be discharged. Not dismissed, but discharged as OK.

Initial assessments need to be timely and thorough. Actual issues need to be properly identified, and the correct course of treatment should be made available in a reasonable time frame. Once someone is diagnosed as depressed, the clock is well and truly ticking, so time is of the essence. I don't expect things to change and improve over night, I am realistic. However I also appreciate the importance of the right help at the right time, and understand the implications of drawing things out, and not receiving the help you need in time. I was lucky, my meds were helping and my core of friends were reaching out to keep me afloat. But if I had been alone, I don't know if I would have made it in the right state of mind to the CBT course. I may have been too far gone by that stage.

I really do hope that there is an improvement to the system over the next few years. Certainly from my perspective, knowing that depression is usually a reoccurring condition, and from both experience and education, each case being worse than the last, I really hope that by the next time I am hit with a bout of depression, the mental health system on the NHS is as prepared as my friends are to hold me up and get me back on my feet as soon as possible.

Please feel free to email me directly with any feedback on this entry, to chat, to discuss etc. No one should suffer alone, so please don't.

Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.

After deep thought and careful contemplation, the final outcome to my recent train of thought, is, "bollox to it".
A lot has gone on over recent weeks and months, health, personal life, work life, home etc. Lots to think over, loads to consider, and I have realised something. The more I rely on others, the more involvement others have on my day to day life, the more complex things become.

Right now, simplicity rules my life, having found a solitary existence, blocking out all sorts of external influences, and getting into my own solid routine was working well. Then came hospital appointments, changed priorities, and worst of all, a change in the routine I had found.

Training has slipped to one side, my creative mind has turned to absolute shit, and eating is terrible. All stuff three months ago which were high on my list of priorities. I have let myself become distracted, and have fallen victim to myself.

The worst part about the whole thing is my damn mind. Unable to let anything go, dwelling on random crap that just brings me down. Turning the slightest hiccup in to an almighty fuck up in a single heartbeat. If only my brain could just do what it did on meds, and just let shit slide once in a while, I'm sure I could be much happier.

My problem is free time, thinking time, dwelling time. If I stick to my plan and stay busy, my mind doesn't get a look in. The day flies by, spirits stay high, and negativity can just go do one. But having fallen from routine, I have these awkward gaps in my day and week which desperately need plugging. Its almost like a sanity leak.

The dilemma kills me time and time again. Boring but solid routine, or exciting but risky existence, with scope for dive bombing moments of disappointment, which can spiral into moments like this.
I trust routine, I crave routine, but maybe my routine needs a little freshening up. Nothing wrong with change here and there eh.

Right now though, I want to go to sleep this evening, wake on Monday morning with a huge cup full of motivation, a little luck on my side with my achillies, to allow me to get on with life, and slip back into routine. Chances of it happening like that are pretty damn slim, but hey, got to stay positive, right!

So many trains of thought all leaving the station together right now, tugging my heart and mind in so many directions, and it's confusing the hell out of me, wants, desires, ambitions, and inhibitions... Which way to go. Time to take the fall of faith, and just let myself drift into the path which wins me over I guess.

With all that out of my head, I am going to go and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until my eyes can't stay open any longer. Then drift off into a state of broken sleep, filled with flashing images of the past, the future, and all that terrifies me. And you thought Halloween was a time of fiction and fun. Well, welcome to Halloween in my head! It's not pretty.

I bid you farewell for now, and remember... Bollox to it all !