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The good news is, mentally I am fine. Phew, that's a relief.

However physically, things are a little more grim for me.
The first couple of months of the year I have struggled with foot pain. To the point where shoes and walking were a no no. Occasionally venturing out on the bike, desperate to keep my legs spinning, only to be rewarded with even worse foot pain.

With that now somewhat under control, my body thought long and hard, before giving me the next challenge. Delivered in a gold envelope by a smug looking twat in a lab coat, no wait, that's Top Gear...
Over the past few weeks, both at work and at home, people have commented on me breathing heavily. At the same time I have noticed that I labour a little with certain tasks. Usually walking or climbing stairs. Up until this time, I have been fine, walked at a good pace, climbed stairs with no issue. (Remember taking the stairs to the 22nd floor at Guys Hospital?). So obviously this has caused some concern for me.

This time of year, a lot of people with asthma (like me) struggle a little more with hayfever and other allergies causing complications. But for me that usually appears along with a chesty cough getting me all blocked up. This time, nothing. Antihistamines don't seem to help either, again they usually would. And finally my inhaler has little if no effect whatsoever.

To just spice things up a little more, my body decided to throw heart palpitations in the mix too. It's all the chest, right! Now as an avid cyclist, who strangely during all this, can actually still cycle like a nutter (confusing right!) I see my heart rate quite a lot, and push my body quite hard. Nothing abnormal shows on my HR, and there are no unexpected weaknesses or shortness of breath etc.

On speaking to my GP, he has arranged for a set of tests to be run. Bloods, heart trace, and a breathing function test. First two are done, 12 lead ECG appears fine, bloods we will see, and breathing function is being tested at the weekend. Hopefully they will point at something, as it would be a lie to say it doesn't concern me slightly. If not, the tests go on, to see what is going on in there.

I reminded myself to write this on the way back from the shops just now. Slow steady pace walking, warm but not uncomfortable day, 1 mile or so round trip. Being overtaken by people with walking trolleys, and feeling like I am labouring to carry on. Taking my heart rate on the way around, nothing shocking to see. 80-85 bpm, which is pretty good going for the conditions. Made the trip fine, but this is just one of many journeys on foot which I have made and struggled with.

The confusing part is, it can be walking or getting up that temporarily knocks me for six. But cycling, I can go on forever. The GP suggested, as expected, that weight may be a contributing factor, which I completely accept. I am indeed overweight, but should add I have not gained weight in months, so why suddenly now feel this way. And why do some less intense activities affect me worse than being bent over cycling?

Right now, it's all a mystery to me, and everyone else, but hopefully there will be some answers soon.

So that is my little update. Thanks for reading.

After another rather stressy day yesterday I turned in early for the night. Not that I got to sleep straight away, and neither did I sleep very well. It would seem the initial improvement is now a thing of the past. Relaxing thoughts, and well rehearsed techniques to get to sleep no longer work, and the spiral of association has come back. Taking a simple innocent thought, within a minute it spirals into something I dread or a subject that winds me up. Change the thought, and the process starts again. Thinking of a video game for example, within three twists of association, can become a past memory of something I have done, which in turn makes me sad or anxious. It's incredible, as my concious mind could never make those twisted associations. It is almost like my brain WANTS me to think about these other things, and manages to contort the subject accordingly.

Right now though I have no rational way of addressing the matters, and no means of outlet to vent them to, so they will just have to wait for now.

Speaking of waiting, that is the theme of today, waiting for a contractor (who has now arrived), and waiting for a call from the GP. Thankfully, one thing I am not waiting for any longer is the report from my company doctor. After seeing him last week all seemed to go well, but you know how it is. Like job interviews, it went well but the letter isn't what you expected. However on this occasion I am happy to say that the report is favourable, and supportive, which is a great relief to me for sure. Painting a similar picture to that which my GP has already done, recommending the increase in medication as per the consultation, and outlining a realistic timescale for improvement and return to work.
Now I just need to speak to the GP when she calls, to discuss the report and see if she goes with the increase in meds dose.

Also having now received the next appointment with the therapy people from the NHS, I can now add that to her information, so she can make decisions accordingly. With the first face to face appointment with the therapy people not being til January, and only being an assessment once again, treatment itself is yet to get a confirmed start date. That obviously puts the brakes on things a little bit, but the company GP has allowed for this in his recommendations.

So there are lots of positives there for sure.
In other parts of life there is little improvement in my day to day goings on. Still borderline hurting myself to try and stay clear headed and sane, and of course to end the day exhausted enough to sleep. Which doesn't seem to be working very well anymore, but the getting out alone is helping keep my head clear.
Support from friends, and company being offered is a great relief, now all I need to do is make some of that actually happen.

On Xmas day I will be making my usual trip to Wales to have a clean up of the family grave, lay some flowers, and have some down time breathing fresh coastal air. Come rain or shine, I look forwards to returning to a place which holds only the most innocent of memories for me, and offers no complications, painful reminders, or associations for my mind to play with. Memories of youth are the clearest and purest I have. So I think it is that which keeps me going back again and again. As well of course as wishing to maintain the headstone, and pay my respects.
Fingers crossed I can have a wide awake day, and stay focused enough to do the round trip in the day. I am sure I can, but as ever it is a solo trip, so keeping my mind distracted might be a bit of a test for me.

So that is my download for the morning. Here's to a positive outcome to the call from the GP, and a chance to get outside and recharge my solar batteries in my head.

Thanks for reading.