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Sometimes it is hard to realise the importance of some things in life. Too busy keeping up with the Jones's, having the latest gadgets, being up to date on the latest trends in clothing, music, TV and other social pressures. So it is good to take a step back at your life once in a while, and strip it back to the bare bones. Take a moment to realise what is actually important, and indispensable, compared to the material and emotional clutter most people seem to fill their lives with.

This is something I tend to do after a big shake up in life, maybe every few years, and am sure I have blogged about it in the past. Just like people have a Facebook cull for example, and delete all the randoms that they have added and accepted over the past year, and unfollow groups which have become tiresome.

Recently, as well as my own things going on, I have taken stock of what others go through too, and it is pretty humbling. Sure I have had my own battles in life, and have struggled to keep it together at times. Physical and mental pain sometimes making life feel unbearable, but I have never really paid much attention to those around me who go through similar.

Until now that is. Like I say recently I have become more and more aware that the trials and tribulations I have already dealt with in life await many of us at some point in life. Depression for some, illness for others, and of course the inevitable loss of loved ones. All things I can relate to very well having experienced them all a number of times.

This isn't a "been there, got the t-shirt" moment, I am not trying to belittle others in their times of need. Quite the opposite in fact. Well in my mind anyway. It is at times like these that I dearly want to offer my experiences with those going through the matters themselves. No two experiences are the same, but they bear the same hallmarks, and usually trigger a similar journey for a person to take. Just knowing someone has been down a similar path can sometimes be comfort enough.

Hearing "I know how you feel" and it sounding condescending is not just exclusive to depression, but to all other experiences in like which knock us from our axis.
Seeing others suffer in silence is almost painful. Do you approach and offer a hand, do you stand and watch them self destruct until it's too late or they finally beg for help? Interfere, or carefree?

Like I was saying, it is at times like this that everything else around you just seems to disappear, fading away into insignificance, leaving you only with the things you actually need to get by. The roof over your head, food and drink, and hopefully a network of good supportive friends who can steady you along the way, until you are stable again. Taking on tasks to assist, being there to talk to when you need to find reason.

If you ask most people what they could not live without, a lot would take love and friendship for granted, and move straight onto material objects, the internet, etc. But at a time of need, all that changes and quickly take stock of friends and acquaintances, and decide who you need around you to help.

When on an even keel, and taking stock, the results are more balanced. For me for example primarily I have a great group of friends who I know, even with their quirky ways, have my best interests at heart. Then I have my dogs, a sight and company I have grown used to, and some comfort when I am having a crappy day. The ability to get around comes next, being able to walk, cycle or drive somewhere is a huge bonus when the brain just says escape. Obviously the latter being the best when getting away with the dogs. Of course all this would be pretty pointless, so the roof over my head (and a very nice one thankfully) is right up there with the primaries in my life.

With just those things, dropping the car if necessary (but not out of preference) I could have a pretty happy existence really. Obviously I would miss the tech, given that it is one of the things that I find myself most engrossed in when not out and about, but I know I can get by without such things, and on trips to Spain I try and enforce that the best I can. Still turning to my tech devices, but no where near as much as usual. So if I were ever forced to choose things in life to let go of, or keep, I know where my loyalties lay. Friends, a roof, health just about sum up the priorities for me. How about yours?

In other aspects of life, like questioning how I fit into other peoples lives. For years I worried a lot about these things, but over time, experience and wisdom teaches you not to care too much about it. Real friends can deal with most things life throw at them, if someone decides to get all hateful towards you about petty things, like running up a phone bill in your name, then telling you it is YOUR problem, then calling you all the names under the sun (nope I don't forget pathetic acts like that), then they can simply go fuck themselves. I have no time for fakes, bullshitters and pisstakers in my life, but do keep a few around just for entertainment value.

On the grand scheme of things, how people feel about me is irrelevant. I can honestly say that 95% of the time I really don't care what others think of me. But in that delicate 5% time frame, it hurts me deeply, and that is my achillies heel in life. Suddenly becoming vulnerable to what others think of me, what is said about me, and how I am perceived. The last bout of depression is testament of this without doubt. Having my life torn apart by a few simple actions and comments.

It is so easy to reflect with hindsight and say how simple life can be if you just do this and that. But sometimes you are drawn in, trying to do the right thing, follow your heart, and it bites you in the arse, hard! How you recover from that is another matter. I have seen many friends over the year destroyed by their own actions. Actions which were carried out to make someone elses life richer, not for self gain. Taken for granted, used for their kindness and vulnerability, by selfish, greedy individuals only out for themselves.

When I look at friends who have gone off to do their own thing, follow their hearts, and enjoy life without the complications of the hustle and bustle of the daily grind, I am envious. To a degree at least. I like convenience, I like choice, and if I am totally honest I actually like a bit of the rush I live in being a Londoner. Sure I like to escape and recharge in remote places, but I also like the thrill of a 24 hour city. I am sure if push came to shove, and I could choose without cutting my nose off to spite my face, I could choose one, but right now, the balance is good.

As for fashion trends, the need to socialise in popular places, and being trendy, well that can pretty much sod off. I don't shun them as a whole, but have no ambition to become trendy and fit in places which I find to be so false. The more you pay to be somewhere, the less it becomes about who you are, and the more it is about what you have, money being the key. Money attracts money, and it also attracts fakers trying to get a step up. So that can stay where it is as far as I am concerned.

Clothing, I like nice clothes, but prefer to have the right clothes for the job, rather than clothes with the right labels. Same with other things in life, like tech for example. Once it was about branding, now more about ability for buck.

So to me, really, I think the older I get, the more simple a life I desire. My experiences keep me grounded, my desire to help others keeps me true to my goals.

To all my friends who support me, thank you so much. To those special people in my life who I am trying to reach out to (nope, you are not the only one) , hang in there, I am right here, as are many others who care about what you are going through. Together we will all get back up on our feet together and support each other. Have faith in yourself.

Sad as it sounds,  but it f recent events have taught me anything,  it's that I am destined to be single. Now I know that sounds dramatic,  and maybe a little self pity in there too,  but it's not like that at all.

When I say destined,  I mean by my own hand,  and not that on others. The more I look at my life,  my needs,  and how I conduct myself,  the more I realise that the chances of finding someone compatible is very slim. Add to that my reluctance to go through the mill over and over til I find such a person,  and there you have it.  Destiny.

I have had my fair share of relationships,  long,  short,  simple and stupidly complex.  A couple of times I have come close to feeling like things were as good as they get,  but getting back up from an encounter so close gets harder and harder.

Over the past few months I have been to hell and back with complex feelings and thoughts.  Attempts at connecting with people, and the realisation that I'm just not very good at it.  Unfortunately failed connections lead to a huge amount of self loathing, not to mention confusion in my already fried brain.

It's impossible not to feel the cause of these failures,  or just poor attempts,  and adding them to the trail of destruction that I already leave in my wake,  and it all becomes a bit too much to deal with.

Friendship is where it's at.  The best times are had with people you trust to be within an inch of your soul. Tighter within the inner circle than some can imagine a friend can be. Trust give you unlimited belief in yourself and what you and others can do together,  and washes away any inhibitions you may hold.

Again,  recent months have taught me this,  and knowing I have a handful of people in my life willing to put up with me through my lows,  and let me in when they feel the same way. It shows me a bond exists which I never thought possible. One which has no price,  no end game.  Just loyalty and trust to the death.

Thank you to anyone who has opened themselves up to me during this time,  and sorry to anyone who I leave in my wake. Sorry for anything I may have done to you, and sorry you could not have the bond with me that others have sought and found.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from a situation we are in to truly appreciate it's value to us in life. Not always for the better though. Sometimes we are released from a situation we believed made us happy,  but in truth just held us frozen in time,  with no place to go,  and  no vision for a future. So here's to those who have set us free from such situations. Regardless of their intentions for this release,  from afar,  aside from the pain it causes us to be torn away,  it is relief,  and  a second chance at our own lives.

So,  going back to my point,  I would take friendship with wonderful people,  great times with great minds,  and the security of knowing we form a bond together which protects us throughout our lives. Than gambling it all on "the one" and distance my self from great people,  for the isolation of the company of one.

Does it make me sad? Of course it does. The embrace of another,  the warmth of a loving soul by your side is something amazing. Something I have longed for for many years now,  but failed to find. The warmth of another is by far the greatest thing I miss from a relationship.  Not the ego,  not the sex,  just the simplicity of the desire of another,  and feeling safe in the arms of someone who cares.

So there you have it. Months of depression,  soul searching and confused situations,  all wrapped up in one simple blog entry.

To friends,  and simplicity.

Probably not the best of ideas, given that its the root of my issues, but I'm only human right! And with no thinking, comes no doing.

Tracking back over the course of the past few weeks, trying to think where it all started to go wrong, it's impossible to say it was one event, if it was even anything I have done or been a part of that is. But I do know that in the past couple of months I have really gone outside my comfort zone, A LOT! Doing things I don't usually do, going to places which don't conform to "the norm" for me, and having thoughts and feelings which I, am in fairness, unfamiliar with.

After much advice and a little pressure, ok a fair bit of pressure, I did the whole "get back out there" thing. And I have to say, as  much fun as it was meeting people, spending time with them, and chatting, it has really taken its toll on me. Just sitting thinking about it now stresses me out. For the short while I bothered engaging with the whole "meet people" sites and apps, I felt obliged to impress or be someone I am not. Fact is, as per other entries, I am no good at that sort of thing, and am rarely as comfortable as I want to be with others.

There is one exception to the above, but things don't always go the way you expect, and sometimes you realise things a little too late.

So looking back, I have to say that trying to get out there and meet new women hasn't really worked out for me. If anything all it has done is allowed me to upset a few lovely people, and damage friendships rather than building new ones.

Then of course there is work, that in itself can really take its toll, and for quite a while now has added to the stressed of day to day life. That said, it has also been a great release too, so I can't honestly say what impact that has had. But can be sure it has played a part in the whole situation. Whether it be the nature of the job, or the environment, well that is another discussion.

My last blog entry on Tuesday mentioned that I might lose my writing brain for a bit, and I have to say, given that it is Saturday now, that seems to have happened. Trying to put paragraphs together is a bit of an effort, and thinking far enough ahead to write this, and keep the flow going is a nightmare. Let alone trying to stay focused on one thing for long enough to make it all make sense.

It's hard to say what impact the medication is having right now, 5 days in it will be having an effect, but as things have been a bit crazy the past few days, its hard to get a baseline. Tuesday evening I contacted a tattooist who's work I love as he said he had availability this week. Confirming Thursday all day was still available, I got thinking on ideas, and took the booking. Within the next 24 hours of conversation I went from one location to be tattooed to another, but stuck fast with my design idea.

The basis of the idea was quite a simple one. But might be awkward to explain. The artist is a new school artist Craig Measures (Instagram link to his work)  so the idea would have to be "cartoon like" I wanted something to relate to my ongoing battle with the day to day persona I have, and the inner me who constantly struggles to get out, so what better cartoon or comicbook character to relate to than The Hulk. Just out of coincidence, one of the things that is really helping me right now is working out. Be it cardio or weights, I have to go into a zone when I am training, so can put everything else on hold. Smack bang opposite my multigym is a huge Marvel mural, and directly opposite where I stand to train is... The Hulk. So the meaning ties in nicely for me.

Now obviously when I get a tattoo from a specific artist, I want their interpretation of the idea, so to jolly the idea up, we went with The Hulk smashing his way through a field of candy, just to put some bold and happy colours in there. Oh and a rainbow in the background, which is open to your own interpretation lol. So 24 hours after the first discussion I headed up to Birmingham for what would turn into a pretty epic day. Like I said earlier, things haven't been normal enough yet to get a baseline of how I'm actually doing.

Late morning we put the transfer on, and put a film on and got started. Anchorman played through, and as it did a couple more people joined us in the studio. Coffee was consumed, as were cookies and other sweet things, and progress was good. Over the course of the next X hours, we got through Anchorman, The Wedding Singer, Wreck It Ralph, Wayne's World and finally 40 Year old Virgin. By the time 40 YOV finished it was just us left in the studio, so it started to play over again, and got about half way through. Leaving at just after 9pm, I had been there for about 10 and a half hours, a fair bit of which was being tattooed. Craig admitted it had taken longer than expected, but was determined to keep his word and get it done in the day.

The end result, a stunning and bold piece, full of colour and character. Just what I needed. That said, the 130 mile drive home after was fun!
So here it is.

Now the downside to having your whole rather large calf tattooed with heavy colour in one go is, walking! As the healing starts, walking becomes rather uncomfortable to say the least. Not impossible, but just a little undesirable. With walking the dogs, and staying active having been my crutch recently, it leaves me in a bit of a bind. Today has been a first for a few things. First blog entry since meds, first dog walk since tattooing, and the first day of mixing with the mass public since doctors too. That went well!

Walking around Sainsburys earlier was a huge wake up call for me. Sitting in your own company it is easy to think that things are going well. But returning to the human race, and dealing with others really hits home just how you feel. Bit like coming home from 2 weeks away back to your home and dogs, and realise how much they stink. Put up with something for long enough and you become desensitised to it, so don't realise how it impacts you. When people put up with crap day in day out (from other people not dogs!) you soon just learn to live with it, and don't see how it affects you. Take a step back for a while, and on your return everything is a lot clearer to you. Then you have to decide what you are, and are not willing to put up with anymore.

Anyway, returning to the main subject before I sign off, thinking!
What I have realised is, with the best of intentions, sometimes things just don't work out. Be it your own ideas, or things others do and suggest, believing its for the best, from time to time the outcome is worse, not better. And then when you mix that with the issues of over thinking things, and anxiety, you are suddenly left with even more mess on your plate, and harder things to think about.

For me, for now, it is back to the depths of my own mind, and looking after myself, and my new tattoo.

2

That's all it takes really. To have a good time, to smile, and unwind. But why the hell is it so hard to find that in someone of the opposite sex, and when you do, why is it always with the "it's complicated" ones?
I don't mean complicated as in they are complicated, I just mean the situation is. Not quite a "friend-zone" situation, but really not far from it in some cases.
Before I go any further I just want to say that the relationships I refer to are 100% platonic,

So there are girls in my life from all walks of life. Some of you are even reading this now. Depending what walk you are from, will determine just how much of a prick you think I am being writing this, but hey ho, I can't change your opinion, or what has happened between us.
Ex's, encounters, curiosities, friends, and of course my girl-friends. By girl-friend I mean the sort of female company I like to keep. Shop with, hang out with etc. Oh and I almost forgot, females of interest.

Anyway, I digress a little, as I usually do when writing, my mind shoots off in all different directions. Back to the point.

Obviously it's no big secret that I am single now, and obviously being a human, it's only natural to explore options for companionship. (More than just swiping right!)
There are many ways to do this, from expanding on existing friendships, to looking externally on sites and apps. Something my dear friend Sarah is very keen for me to do lol. Bless ya.

The one question that needs answering in all of these avenues is, what am I looking for? That's a simple question really isn't it. What everyone wants, which is..... ?
OK it's not actually that easy to answer. With a complicated mind comes complex needs and desires. I have sat in silence over recent days, trying to piece together a wishlist, things I want from a relationship. And what I have come up with is..... nothing really! I just can't put my finger on anything that makes sense.
Of course there are things I like, cuddles, company, and someone on my wavelength (which is a strange one in itself) But then there are other things that some people prioritise so highly, that I can live without, or are of no great importance to me.

So far this is making no sense to me, so I am going to change it up a bit....

Here goes a different take on what I am trying to say.

Recently I have spent a lot of time in various forms of female company, from meeting people for the first time, to getting to know people better. With a little mix of hanging out with girls I have known for a while now. And from these interactions I have come to a conclusion. Women are complicated. Either that or I'm in a seriously fucked up position with the women I know and socialise with, and any new woman who may come onto the scene.

Out meeting a lovely lady for the first time the other day, we had a blast. Yup it was a bit awkward at first, but we had fun, got to know each other a bit better, and agreed we will go out again. Coming away from the first meet though, as much fun as I had, I was left feeling nervous, and maybe even a little anxious. I know, you know the right one when you meet them, so maybe this is going nowhere. That said, it't not the first one, and not the first time I have come away feeling like that.
I have never done well with situations like that.
I don't hold out much hope for me meeting strangers and getting to know them. It's a lovely thing to do. But the whole awkwardness of it sucks royally, and really isn't my forte.

Then there are the other girls of my life. The ones who have been around a while, got to know, and have so much fun with.

Like the one today! YES YOU !!! You pain in the arse you!
Apologies for making you feel awkward if it does, but why the hell are you so much fun to be with, chat to, and know in general?
I know the day has been a long time in the making, and that we were both like little kids about it in the minutes up to meeting, meeting protocols by Whatsapp... seriously? lol
I know a lot of the getting to know someone you have been talking to online for a year is all done, but when you are me, that's the easy part. The meeting the real person is the bit that throws me a curve ball.
That said, it was so fluid and natural. Jokes, conversation, and a nice natural feeling. Nothing awkward, creepy or weird about it. Not from my end anyway.
To sit down to lunch with someone I have never met in person, be able to talk about any conversation we choose, and feel 100% comfortable about it is like a dream come true, and happens to me very rarely. Partly because I am a bit of a weirdo at times, and partly because I just don't click with too many women.

This has happened a few times recently, all with people I regularly talk about on the blog, and people who I spend a lot of time talking to. Three of the girls I refer to (ladies, women...) come from all walks of life, different backgrounds, etc, but somehow I click with them all. That natural and open feeling whenever I am around them, it is lovely to experience, and if I had to have something on a "wishlist" (going back to the first attempt at this blog), it would be how they all make me feel. Being three of them gives me a little peace of mind that it isn't simple infatuation, although sometimes I guess I question that.

So one question.... Why the hell can't I find someone that makes me feel like this, to have a relationship with? Holy shit it is SO frustrating. Take physical attributes, wealth, and even the filthy mind away from the deal, I would take the connection over any of those any day of the week. Not to say for one second that I don't believe any of them have any other the above, I have my suspicions haha (sorry).

Each time I spend any period of time with any of the ladies in my life like this, I feel recharged, revitalised, and human again. The conversation part is key I think, feeling so relaxed, and knowing that either party can say whatever is on their mind, and there will be no judgement, not mocking, just advice and understanding, mutually. Hopefully the result is mutual too, and they are not leaving me and going away feeling exhausted and stressed.

So firstly to say thank you to you all, you are bloody fantastic people, and I love ya all to bits, hopefully you know that I am here for you any time of day or night for anything. In a non weird way.

And a separate message to todays little bundle of fun lol. Thank you. For persisting with me, not getting fed up with my weirdness over the last year, and being brave enough to come for lunch today. It was a blast. As good as I can be with words at times, I really can't put into words how much it meant to me. Hopefully you know I don't mean that in a creepy way, but I hope we can do it again, and this time I might even let you speak too.

I guess what I am trying to say in all this is, I'm doomed, and have given up on meeting someone to have a proper relationship with. Hell, I have most things I want in life, and with cool friends like these, I don't need anything else. I have managed fine til now, and in reality am in a richer friend environment than I have been for a long time. Just cut me a little slack if the hugs last a second or two longer than normal... I'm just being friendly lol. (OK that bit was just weird)

Going through this "speak the truth" part of my life is really quite awkward at times, and I find myself saying things like I have above, and wondering how it might be perceived, especially when directed at certain groups of people like this has been. But hey, I'm not going to deny thinking it, so might as well throw it out there. Makes me quite vulnerable but you only live once.

I was encouraged to think again about the above and came up with the following summary of everything above, and to be fair, its probably a bit more honest still..

I am frustrated as fuck being able to have amazing friendships with amazing women, let my defenses down, and be ME (someone not a lot of people get to know)But when it comes to trying to form a relationship with someone, it goes out the window. Barriers, personas, and defensive. Not something I have managed to overcome to date, and I mean in a LONG time. I want to be myself, all the time. The me that has fun, genuine laughter, and a grin from ear to ear thinking about the good times I have shared.

Cheers for that Dave lol