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Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.

The past month or so I have found peace or at least relaxation in walking. Silly distances a day,  with and without the dogs.  Blisters,  sore feet,  back pain etc,  but it's all been worth it to silence my mind. Being exhausted at the end of the day is a good thing as I sleep better.

Unfortunately with my track record it was never going to last,  and now I find myself trying to find a new balance between resting and walking. The soreness has caught up with me,  and the mornings are now filled with dread at the thought of walking. Sadly that also means I am losing the enthusiasm to get up now.

After seeing the company doctor the other day and discussing medication doses,  it all seems to go hand in hand. The lack of interest in the mornings the dip in moods again,  and the struggle to keep walking.

Somehow I need to rearrange things so I can keep working on having a clearer mind with less anxiety,  and being able to exercise the dogs, and myself,  without resorting to self inflicted pain.

Should be fun,  new week,  new challenge. Lets see how that goes.

What a great start to the day. For starters when I woke up this morning, my eyes were just not interest in getting up, and refused to open. Eventually time and necessity got the better of me, so I got up. Just in time for the postie to deliver something I have been waiting for. My LED spotlights for the light unit in my bedroom.

Unwrapped and installed within seconds...... And they are utter shit! Flash bright then go very dim, which is not use to me. Then to add insult to injury, as I tried to remove one of them, it fell apart. Needless to say I have contacted the seller and am awaiting a reply to see what they wanna do about it. Lesson learned, cheap LED bulbs are NOT worth it!

Then it was dog walking time. Getting it in asap, as mum had a nurse coming late morning. Progress was good, about half a mile from home I got word that the nurse would be home very soon.... So started running. Ran the half mile home only to find that the nurse was already there and in. Tuvaaq was in the kitchen. So that was a waste of energy lol, but a nice run all the same.

Sorry to the people startled by seeing Aana running up the road, I was getting some rather strange looks to say the least. Feels good to push yourself from time to time though I have to say.

Next up, once the carer has been, its off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for mum. Another day with lots of walking, seems like they are never ending recently. My intake has gone up a little to allow for this, but not sure where that leaves me weight wise. I am definatly losing more size as clothes are getting looser and looser (and not stretching to match my girth! Lol)

I might have a low intake day in the next day or two and a weigh in to see where I am with weight. Just out of curiosity more than anything. I am happy with my health improvement, that's the main thing. As I said before the next step is toning, and I really must get my finger out and get on with that. Talk is cheap! Time to knuckle down and get on with it. Starting with abs and tri's.

In fact, as soon as I'm back from the walk to the pharmacy, I'm going to do a bit of each, and get this show on the road.

Other than that, life is pretty dull. Thankfully mum has stabilised for the time being. Still a little confused about a few things, but trying harder to eat and drink etc. Still loves to moan and huff about things too.

Just a quick mention to Kim who is in hospital. Hope its not a long stay for you hun, and I will be up asap to see you 🙂 x

Regards
Michael

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2

Well its been a very physical day for me today, but let me open with the main point of this entry. My mum, good ol' girl.

I took her to Battersea Park today, I'm slowly upping the scale of the challenge for her, each time choosing a location and route that is manageable but can be cut short. While having interesting surroundings which inspire wholesome conversations.

So today's location, Battersea. A little bigger in circumference than Dulwich I would think, and plenty to look at (a mens hockey game certainly caught her eye lol). Its a lovely park, one full of memories for me, and one of my favourite places in London to relax. So much going on, yet so peaceful too.

When we got there I parked up by the meter, and fed it with the £2 minimum which bought us two hours. After getting mum and the chair out of the car I checked the time on the ticket and said out loud "two hours that should do". Mum replied something to the effect of there was no way we would be that long as she could not walk for that long. Needless to say she was right. She only managed an hour and 49 minutes lol. Bloody well done. Not sure on the distance but a good show! She was very surprised but pleased with herself.

Now to find a bigger challenge for tomorrow lol.

The rest of the day has been pretty ok. Let the carer in this morning, then the daily routine of breakfast (shake) for me, fed the dogs, swept the floors, cleared the garden of doggyness, however I am ashamed to say I forgot mums meds, she actually reminded me today, oops!

When I came back from the morning five miles with the dogs, the carer was waiting on the doorstep, early if you would believe it. Terrified of Aana she stood back while I opened the door, all the time commenting on how cuddly Aana looks.

After finding mum and greeting her they went to the kitchen where they sat and chatted. Mum had some toast and tea for lunch, and they spent the next almost 30 mins chatting and laughing their hearts out. Its refreshing to both see mum and the carer bonding now, and also mum socialising and being so happy and jovial.

Later as we drove to the park she got talking about her hair loss, and commented on the suggestions people made, and how she wants to do her own thing, as its one of the only things she can control. The topic swayed about from talking about what stresses and depresses you, to how you cope with the things that bother you. Another bonding and memorable moment there, where mum has opened up for a bit and let me in.
I mentioned to her during the conversation that it was clear to me that there are still things on her mind that she needs to get out, but that I respect her wishes on how and who she chooses to do that with.

Phew so there you go, digging deep mentally, emotionally and physically all on one day.
Regards
Michael

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