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After another rather stressy day yesterday I turned in early for the night. Not that I got to sleep straight away, and neither did I sleep very well. It would seem the initial improvement is now a thing of the past. Relaxing thoughts, and well rehearsed techniques to get to sleep no longer work, and the spiral of association has come back. Taking a simple innocent thought, within a minute it spirals into something I dread or a subject that winds me up. Change the thought, and the process starts again. Thinking of a video game for example, within three twists of association, can become a past memory of something I have done, which in turn makes me sad or anxious. It's incredible, as my concious mind could never make those twisted associations. It is almost like my brain WANTS me to think about these other things, and manages to contort the subject accordingly.

Right now though I have no rational way of addressing the matters, and no means of outlet to vent them to, so they will just have to wait for now.

Speaking of waiting, that is the theme of today, waiting for a contractor (who has now arrived), and waiting for a call from the GP. Thankfully, one thing I am not waiting for any longer is the report from my company doctor. After seeing him last week all seemed to go well, but you know how it is. Like job interviews, it went well but the letter isn't what you expected. However on this occasion I am happy to say that the report is favourable, and supportive, which is a great relief to me for sure. Painting a similar picture to that which my GP has already done, recommending the increase in medication as per the consultation, and outlining a realistic timescale for improvement and return to work.
Now I just need to speak to the GP when she calls, to discuss the report and see if she goes with the increase in meds dose.

Also having now received the next appointment with the therapy people from the NHS, I can now add that to her information, so she can make decisions accordingly. With the first face to face appointment with the therapy people not being til January, and only being an assessment once again, treatment itself is yet to get a confirmed start date. That obviously puts the brakes on things a little bit, but the company GP has allowed for this in his recommendations.

So there are lots of positives there for sure.
In other parts of life there is little improvement in my day to day goings on. Still borderline hurting myself to try and stay clear headed and sane, and of course to end the day exhausted enough to sleep. Which doesn't seem to be working very well anymore, but the getting out alone is helping keep my head clear.
Support from friends, and company being offered is a great relief, now all I need to do is make some of that actually happen.

On Xmas day I will be making my usual trip to Wales to have a clean up of the family grave, lay some flowers, and have some down time breathing fresh coastal air. Come rain or shine, I look forwards to returning to a place which holds only the most innocent of memories for me, and offers no complications, painful reminders, or associations for my mind to play with. Memories of youth are the clearest and purest I have. So I think it is that which keeps me going back again and again. As well of course as wishing to maintain the headstone, and pay my respects.
Fingers crossed I can have a wide awake day, and stay focused enough to do the round trip in the day. I am sure I can, but as ever it is a solo trip, so keeping my mind distracted might be a bit of a test for me.

So that is my download for the morning. Here's to a positive outcome to the call from the GP, and a chance to get outside and recharge my solar batteries in my head.

Thanks for reading.

Well I don't know if it was the relief of finally getting the meeting with work out of the way, or maybe its the new dose of drugs I'm taking (not sleeping pills). Either way, I had a really good night of sleep last night. Woke a few times to noises I heard, like mum walking around the house, but settled much faster and feel much more willing to get up this morning.

Amazing what a change of state of mind can do, whether it be drug induced or not, it was much needed. So now I can try and get a few more awkward things out of the way today, like those damned council tax benefits people. Although I am still avoiding thinking about it too much mentally.
Not sure what sort of plan they are going to put in place to pay off the arrears, which funnily enough are their fault, but hey ho!

Another positive today too, the carer is running late today, within 3 mins of her expected time here, the phone rang. It was the agency informing us she was running late, which was much appreciated. The lateness is a pain but have nothing urgent planned this morning, so that's ok.

Just managed to book mums appointment for the GP for Monday, took a while to get through on the phone, so I took the first appointment they offered. As I hung up I realised there was something wrong with that, and sure enough I was right. The appointment clashes with my appointment with the family worker at St Christophers.
But with my clearer mind, within seconds we have a solution. Mum can come to St Christophers with me, she can relax in the lounge, and we can leave 10 mins before her appointment. Win-win I believe that is called.

Right I better get on, the 9am regime calls. (More like 9.45 today as the carer is still not here)

Have a great day, its almost the weekend.

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A day I have been dreading, almost over with now. With a weight off my mind for the time being suddenly everything becomes a little clearer.
Today I have had two very important appointments (for me anyway). Firstly there was the GP, who is no easy rider. So speaking to him about how I am feeling is not the easiest of things to do. Trying to explain how down you feel, without sounding like an over dramatic drama queen is quite an ordeal. However as he knows mums medical condition too he was understanding.
In short he has doubled my medication, and signed me off for a further 4 weeks. Which is a relief in itself as it allows me more time to focus on the right things, rather than worrying about smaller insignificant details of life.

The second event of the day was a home visit from work. Standard practice for employees on long term sick, which I more than qualify as now. Now while I have nothing to hide, and am confident that all would be well, I have the cloud of doom and gloom over me recently, so feel that anything I do MUST have a negative side. So for some reason was expecting a rough time of things.

So Dave and Michelle arrived, and immediately I felt I was at ease, some tension was released. The conversation was very much informal, so didn't feel like I was under oath and on the stand. We talked for some time, discussing what's going on with me, how I'm feeling, and how I see things panning out over coming weeks of months. I was quite open and honest about everything, in fact maybe too open as there were times of discomfort clearly visible.

Anyway, the outcome is quite a relief, with a referral to the occupational health worker for Fedex (PHC) some time next week, a review on the situation the week after, and then see if a plan can be put into place to look towards returning to work in some capacity when the sick note runs out. That's an ideal in my mind anyway, as I would love to get back to work and get some structure back in my life.

With appointments all over the place for the next few weeks, I am hoping all the pieces will slowly start to slot together soon, and I can start getting myself back together, and on top of all the little things in life that I have put to one side, council tax for one, but I will come to that. So fingers crossed, positive thinking, PMA!

So yes, I mentioned council tax. A few months ago when we were transferring the tenancy over from mum to me, I wrote to Lewisham asking about how I go about taking over the payments... After 3 months of asking and getting stupid replies back I finally got an answer. I basically said "you owe us £637, pay up"
Right so I have been asking for months, then you just back date it and demand it, just like that.... Well quite frankly... BOLLOX!
After receiving the letter mid December I have stressed about it no end, until today.
As the meeting with work ended, I felt a release of stress and my mind cleared a little. Now looking at the letters I know exactly what I feel about it all, how I'm going to deal with it and where I stand. Rather than in a deep hole sinking fast.

While I have just discovered mum is no longer entitled to benefits towards the council tax, suddenly it all seems a bit more manageable. Just need to speak to someone about paying off the 3 months of arrears caused by their lazy office staff not getting the account sorted, then I'm sailing!

So here's to a more positive outlook on certain aspects of life. Clearer thinking and a smoother ride.

Thanks for reading an epic entry... Can you tell I'm a little happier? Lol

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