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It is so frustrating at times to site idle while others suffer. Knowing you have information which could help others, you have the ability and time to talk to people who need someone to speak to. Yet no way or means to get involved at the grass roots level.

Over the past few days I have been looking into jobs in mental health, what qualifications are needed, and how I can help with the basic skill set I have. Apparently there isn't a way. Which while understandable, is also frustrating. Sure you can teach people the basics of mental health, draw up a curriculum which covers all the bases, make sure people understand the fundamentals of depression and anxiety. But you can't teach experience.

Somewhere there should surely be a crossover point, where experience and education meet, and can be combined to provide the services which are needed most by those suffering. It is great seeing big names coming out and admitting they are affected by depression, and explain their struggles. Saying things others can relate to, and feel like someone understands them. But that is where it ends. When you come forward and look for help, the understanding ends, and the empathy of education presents itself for the first time.

Having someone tell you they understand, because they have read about it is NOT the same as having someone share stories, or finish your tale for you, showing they truly know what the moment can do to you. The lack of this actual understanding is crippling for some, I certainly lost all faith for quite some time. Luckily I had the guidance to keep pushing me to keep going to the meetings, and to try and see what I could inject into the meetings to try and make them a little more "real" for others so to speak.

The thing I found was, as soon as I started openly sharing how certain incidents and events had made me feel, the whole group seemed to engage, waiting to share their experience too. A few meetings later and it had become the norm for me to offer a story, a real life example of such a feeling, to get the ball rolling, and by the end of the session we were all much more open about yet another aspect of depression or anxiety.

The difference to the first few weeks, and the attempts by the course tutors you try and get people talking, asking complete strangers to interact was almost troubling rather than helpful. Only being able to teach and discuss what you have learned from a book or lectures, while on paper might sound great, really isn't. I reflect back to when my daughter was being born, and the midwife told her mum to relax and enjoy the beauty of birth. When asked how many children she had, she replied none. That didn't get a great response. How can you tell someone how to feel about an experience you have never had... Quite simple, you can't.
In very few walks of life would you take advice from someone who only has theoretical experience in something. So when it comes to something as personal and unique as depression, the textbooks just don't cut it.

I desperately want to be able to intervene. Play a role in getting people who are hidden away in their heads, suffering in silence, speaking out. Not to the world, but just to a human who can be compassionate and genuinely empathise with them. Someone who can give their thoughts the time of day, and allow them to vent all the negativity that is drowning them.
You see, for me, and in my experience, speaking out is the first and most important key to the whole experience. While I have always been open enough to speak to a lot of people about it, there is a time when you feel you have exhausted them with the same stories, and you need someone else to talk to, a blank canvas. Unbiased, non judgemental, and willing to listen.
For me on my last round of depression, that person was Dr Elizabeth Paul at Wells Park Surgery. As my original entry says, I walked in silent, sat and just gazed. There was no immediate prompt from her, just a simple smile which gave me the courage to start trying to explain myself.

The whole entry is here... http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/the-trip-to-doctors.html

My point here is really, that there is no one right person or way for everyone, we each need to find our own. The person or situation we feel comfortable with, to finally take the first meaningful step. When I have spoken to others about their depression, the common thing I find is the almost relief shown by the person, when you can actually, first hand, appreciate the magnitude of what you are saying.
An example being, going to meet with a friend while I was mid way through my fight with depression most recently. I chose a place to have lunch, somewhere I knew would be quiet, no crowds. My anxiety at that stage was very bad, so people were not my favourite things.
All was fine to start with, however when we started eating, more people started coming in, sitting closer and closer to us. Paradise lost! Matt had no idea what was going on inside my head, but mad panic is the only thing I can describe it as.
When we left and were talking afterwards, in the nicest possible way, it was impossible for him to understand the difference 4-6 more people coming in had made. However speaking to other friends who have been through the same, they got it straight away.

The big issue here is, a lot of people just don't have "that person" around them, and most of the help on hand seems to be from people who are well educated in the field, but really can't fully grasp what you mean. This is a big stumbling block for people. Having finally spoken out about how you are feeling, to suddenly be faced with a stranger who wants to help you, but doesn't understand you, is crippling.

From my experience, things didn't go well from the start. From my first face to face with someone, it felt like I was doomed. The full blog of my first impressions is here.... http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/touching-base.html

You may be able to tell from the words that it didn't really go too well, and I was left with a rather bitter taste in my mouth. If you read entries further into January, you will see things didn't exactly get much better, not for a while.
Had this interaction been with someone who could understand and properly empathise and assess what I was going through, I think I would have felt much better about the matter. Seeing the speed at which some people dropped out of the subsequent CBT course, I guess for some it didn't get better soon enough. When CBT was explained to me, it was a very rough and vague explanation, reading up on it wasn't much help either. It was only being there, and manipulating it to my own needs, that finally started to make a difference.

After the initial discussion about what CBT was, these were my thoughts.


But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

Here was a person of sound mind, with questionable experience with depression, certainly first hand, telling me in short that I was the issue, and I needed to just forget about the past, and look forwards. Not a great deal of help.

I would dearly love to be able to help people get through this first major step in the program. But it appears academics comes first. To me that feels like teaching someone who can already run, to walk again, because they didn't learn properly. Sometimes, certificates, diplomas and grades count for absolutely nothing at all. Sure, along the process they are without a doubt very important, but for some aspects, you just need to understand, properly. Especially when trying to convince someone to walk out of their door into daylight for the first time in a month.

So here I am, frustrated that due to my lack of qualifications, I am near helpless to play a role in this. Sure some will say, volunteer for Samaritans or similar, but that is just not it. Could I turn my hand to such a thing, probably, would it be as fulfilling as the feeling I felt helping my fellow sufferers through their battle with depression, probably not.

At the end of my CBT course I did consider asking to be the plant in the room, the one who has been through the course, but is there to go through the course again, and try and get things moving. Sure the tutors are doing their best, but from speaking to them, the drop out rate is high, and our group had a "good" retention rate compared to some. That left me thinking that there must be more that can be done.
In the end the course certainly played its part in my recovery, as did a network of friends, and carefully considered distractions. But I honestly feel that I was very close to not bothering with the course, as my blogs show. Had I had some understanding and encouragement from someone who got it, earlier in te process, I might have started feeling a bit more positive sooner.

I applaud anyone who trains to work in mental health. It is a huge problem for our nation, and one which is only getting better. Lack of funding, not enough genuine cases being recognised, but for me, the biggest issue is the lack of understanding in what really helps people in such crisis.

So I am off to scour the internet fr ways I can be more helpful to others. I will also be speaking to my favourite GP about the matter when we meet on Tuesday. I know she won't have the answers, but it is a start, and keeps my mind heading in the right direction.
Any thoughts on how I can get involved are welcomed, so please drop me an email or similar.

Thanks for reading, and here's to getting a better understanding for those suffering.

Sometimes it is hard to realise the importance of some things in life. Too busy keeping up with the Jones's, having the latest gadgets, being up to date on the latest trends in clothing, music, TV and other social pressures. So it is good to take a step back at your life once in a while, and strip it back to the bare bones. Take a moment to realise what is actually important, and indispensable, compared to the material and emotional clutter most people seem to fill their lives with.

This is something I tend to do after a big shake up in life, maybe every few years, and am sure I have blogged about it in the past. Just like people have a Facebook cull for example, and delete all the randoms that they have added and accepted over the past year, and unfollow groups which have become tiresome.

Recently, as well as my own things going on, I have taken stock of what others go through too, and it is pretty humbling. Sure I have had my own battles in life, and have struggled to keep it together at times. Physical and mental pain sometimes making life feel unbearable, but I have never really paid much attention to those around me who go through similar.

Until now that is. Like I say recently I have become more and more aware that the trials and tribulations I have already dealt with in life await many of us at some point in life. Depression for some, illness for others, and of course the inevitable loss of loved ones. All things I can relate to very well having experienced them all a number of times.

This isn't a "been there, got the t-shirt" moment, I am not trying to belittle others in their times of need. Quite the opposite in fact. Well in my mind anyway. It is at times like these that I dearly want to offer my experiences with those going through the matters themselves. No two experiences are the same, but they bear the same hallmarks, and usually trigger a similar journey for a person to take. Just knowing someone has been down a similar path can sometimes be comfort enough.

Hearing "I know how you feel" and it sounding condescending is not just exclusive to depression, but to all other experiences in like which knock us from our axis.
Seeing others suffer in silence is almost painful. Do you approach and offer a hand, do you stand and watch them self destruct until it's too late or they finally beg for help? Interfere, or carefree?

Like I was saying, it is at times like this that everything else around you just seems to disappear, fading away into insignificance, leaving you only with the things you actually need to get by. The roof over your head, food and drink, and hopefully a network of good supportive friends who can steady you along the way, until you are stable again. Taking on tasks to assist, being there to talk to when you need to find reason.

If you ask most people what they could not live without, a lot would take love and friendship for granted, and move straight onto material objects, the internet, etc. But at a time of need, all that changes and quickly take stock of friends and acquaintances, and decide who you need around you to help.

When on an even keel, and taking stock, the results are more balanced. For me for example primarily I have a great group of friends who I know, even with their quirky ways, have my best interests at heart. Then I have my dogs, a sight and company I have grown used to, and some comfort when I am having a crappy day. The ability to get around comes next, being able to walk, cycle or drive somewhere is a huge bonus when the brain just says escape. Obviously the latter being the best when getting away with the dogs. Of course all this would be pretty pointless, so the roof over my head (and a very nice one thankfully) is right up there with the primaries in my life.

With just those things, dropping the car if necessary (but not out of preference) I could have a pretty happy existence really. Obviously I would miss the tech, given that it is one of the things that I find myself most engrossed in when not out and about, but I know I can get by without such things, and on trips to Spain I try and enforce that the best I can. Still turning to my tech devices, but no where near as much as usual. So if I were ever forced to choose things in life to let go of, or keep, I know where my loyalties lay. Friends, a roof, health just about sum up the priorities for me. How about yours?

In other aspects of life, like questioning how I fit into other peoples lives. For years I worried a lot about these things, but over time, experience and wisdom teaches you not to care too much about it. Real friends can deal with most things life throw at them, if someone decides to get all hateful towards you about petty things, like running up a phone bill in your name, then telling you it is YOUR problem, then calling you all the names under the sun (nope I don't forget pathetic acts like that), then they can simply go fuck themselves. I have no time for fakes, bullshitters and pisstakers in my life, but do keep a few around just for entertainment value.

On the grand scheme of things, how people feel about me is irrelevant. I can honestly say that 95% of the time I really don't care what others think of me. But in that delicate 5% time frame, it hurts me deeply, and that is my achillies heel in life. Suddenly becoming vulnerable to what others think of me, what is said about me, and how I am perceived. The last bout of depression is testament of this without doubt. Having my life torn apart by a few simple actions and comments.

It is so easy to reflect with hindsight and say how simple life can be if you just do this and that. But sometimes you are drawn in, trying to do the right thing, follow your heart, and it bites you in the arse, hard! How you recover from that is another matter. I have seen many friends over the year destroyed by their own actions. Actions which were carried out to make someone elses life richer, not for self gain. Taken for granted, used for their kindness and vulnerability, by selfish, greedy individuals only out for themselves.

When I look at friends who have gone off to do their own thing, follow their hearts, and enjoy life without the complications of the hustle and bustle of the daily grind, I am envious. To a degree at least. I like convenience, I like choice, and if I am totally honest I actually like a bit of the rush I live in being a Londoner. Sure I like to escape and recharge in remote places, but I also like the thrill of a 24 hour city. I am sure if push came to shove, and I could choose without cutting my nose off to spite my face, I could choose one, but right now, the balance is good.

As for fashion trends, the need to socialise in popular places, and being trendy, well that can pretty much sod off. I don't shun them as a whole, but have no ambition to become trendy and fit in places which I find to be so false. The more you pay to be somewhere, the less it becomes about who you are, and the more it is about what you have, money being the key. Money attracts money, and it also attracts fakers trying to get a step up. So that can stay where it is as far as I am concerned.

Clothing, I like nice clothes, but prefer to have the right clothes for the job, rather than clothes with the right labels. Same with other things in life, like tech for example. Once it was about branding, now more about ability for buck.

So to me, really, I think the older I get, the more simple a life I desire. My experiences keep me grounded, my desire to help others keeps me true to my goals.

To all my friends who support me, thank you so much. To those special people in my life who I am trying to reach out to (nope, you are not the only one) , hang in there, I am right here, as are many others who care about what you are going through. Together we will all get back up on our feet together and support each other. Have faith in yourself.

Since November it is fair to say I have had many moments and moods. Some which I would rather never experience again,  and others I wish I could hold onto and live over and over again.
From hope to utter hell,  my mind and the life around me have treated me to all kinds of delights and nightmares.
Finding what I think is stable ground,  only for it to all fall away from beneath me,  dropping me to the depth of depression I have never experienced before. Being forced to reach out in desperation to people to help me keep my head above water,  as recently as last week!
Each time I rise again from a drop in mood,  as I feel the strength building again to stand up against these  feelings and fight back,  my mind fools me,  pretending that something is the linchpin in the moment,  and that without it I will fall apart again.
The truth is,  the linchpin is in fact me. Of course I cease up at times,  and need friends to get me moving again.  But once I am able to,  I find myself standing strong and fighting hard to stay afloat for longer each time.
Leading myself into a false sense of hope based around something or someone I find and believe to be hugely beneficial to me and my recovery is in fact detrimental to my recovery. Almost like an addict fighting a habit of drugs and believing that alcohol is helping. It is an easy path to slip into.
One which makes me comfortable,  happy and distracts me from the things in life I am trying to avoid or be able to work with again. Instead there is an alternate reality which tempts me away from  the path of recovery,  and on to a path of temptation and fantasy.
Each time this happens,  the longer the self deceit lasts,  the further from the path I stray,  and the harder it becomes to get back on track.
Realising this is huge,  and a great help we of sound mind.  As is knowing the signs of a dip on mood,  or what your triggers for a mood swing are. However,  like over eating for example. Knowing it is bad for you is good,  knowing what you should be doing is good....  Actually sticking to it,  following what you know to be good for you is very hard at times. Especially when it's brain vs brain.
As the mind gets going,  the devil of depression on your shoulder is so good at convincing you that you should turn to an alternative,  believe in something false,  and throw yourself at it 100%. Sadly the other voice,  the one of reason and practicality is muted and has no say until it is all too late.
Opening your eyes,  waking from the fantasy which has fast become a nightmare,  the failure,  self loathing,  hatred and anger all comes rushing back. How stupid are you,  this is the 3rd time we have done this,  when will you learn,  why do you keep doing this to us. The voice of logic is once again present,  but instead of soothing and guiding you to recovery,  it bombards you with negativity. Trying to drum it into your thick head... STOP DOING THIS!
As many will tell you,  it's not the only voice to say things like this. People around you will do the same. Get over it,  just don't do it,  cheer up,  it will be ok. All words of amazing wisdom,  but which also display a complete lack of understanding. A friend recently very refreshingly said that he wouldn't offer any words of hope or wisdom as he knew they would not help.  And that is all others have to do. Nothing is better than  something daft,  believe me.
So with all this in mind, and my recent blog of Single Forever still being fresh. It seems solo is the way ahead in my life for a number of things and reasons. Not a bad or a sad thing. In fact being in control of my company is a good thing. Right now I have huge lows,  and an blessed with people I can turn to for either trivial distraction conversation,  or can just open up to.  Sounding things out to them has helped me see clearly at times,  and has led me to conclusions like this one. That recovery is my responsibility, and others around me have little impact on it.  So there is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.
I'm not closing down or shutting people out,  just taking the helm and steering this ship the way it needs to go. My posting on Facebook is generally pictures (inc Strava) or blog links like this one. And as a whole it is a happy way to be.  I try not to engage with people now,  have a lot of feeds turned off these days, and limited friends.
Yesterday I had a very clear realisation that the recovery here is not going to be quick or simple.  There are no shortcuts, no escape routes,  I just have to weather the storm,  and come out of it alone. My doctor warned me at the beginning of this episode that the second is usually worse and longer. Harder to treat, but a determined mind is able to rise up. Finally after 3 months of trying to prove her wrong, trying to fight the truth, I have accepted that I'm pretty much stuck for now.
I can write with ease when  my mind is clear. I can engage people in very small numbers (2 is a crowd!) I can have perfectly normal times during the day. Find pride and accomplishment in things I do, like running  and cycling for example. But I am also able to turn on myself in a flash,  tear down towers of achievement in seconds,  and turn into my own worst critic and enemy.  Worst part being,  it is all done with no explanation or warning. Hence my phrase "mood bombs"
My fight is to control these lows and moments of self loathing,  find peace in relaxation,  rather than  fearing silence. And to find some self respect which I can  hold on to on the journey back from the depths of depression.
I have seen lots of stories recently about men dealing with depression,  and how it is a hidden killer. Campaigns and appeals for men to rise up and seek the help they need. But at the same time I have also seen the help system from the inside, and still struggle to comprehend how the assessment process really works. Rejecting requests for counselling which I know works for me, and instead placing me on a group CBT course which I find detrimental to my state of mind.
I am seeing my other GP again thankfully,  another one who I trust and saw me through my last bout of depression years ago. It will be interesting to hear his take on the matter,  and see what he advises.
Thank you for reading this far.

One of the clear signs for me that my brain has had enough, is the lethargy. While the brain is active, all is well. I stay talkative, quite focused and alert. But as soon as there is nothing to distract me, I immediately become sleepy. I am guessing it is my brain wanting to switch off before it gets overloaded with thoughts and confusion. The situation is similar in the mornings too. Having become a creature of habit and getting up at 6 something every day for months now, suddenly I wake but in a very different state. Deep tiredness, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. On a couple of occasions now I have done just that and slept in til around 8am.

Losing focus is very much a big thing for me right now, just writing this is a bit of an effort, with my eyes and mind darting about all over the place, and having to make a conscious effort to stay on track. That said, I am only writing this paragraph as I have completely lost my track.

Today has been on of those days so far for me, and possibly one of the worst in this phase to date. Waking up just before 7am, and doing as I promised myself, getting up and out with the dogs ASAP to try and get back into the stride of things. All went well, good hour walk with the dogs, some fresh air and getting the heart pumping. Got home, fed them, sat down for breakfast, watched a program while I ate.... Then went back to bed. Unable to fight the feeling today, I just had to go with the flow. Yet here I am, after an hours nap, and still yawning like I haven't slept for days. Bags under my eyes, looking like crap, and feeling how I look.

The ever confusing yo-yo feelings of depression strike again. This time yesterday I was full of trepidation and anxiety about meeting a friend for dinner. Nervous about the trip over to West London, lots of people and possible interactions. The train journey over there was spent mainly staring into space when on trains, avoiding looking at people, focusing on the floor most of the time. And the transfers between trains where I had to walk, I mainly stayed close to the wall and walked along looking at it out of the corner of my eye. Sounds weird I know, but I was just along for the ride, my brain did as it pleased.

Turns out though that the evening itself, at two quite relaxed venues, was a good moment of clarity for me, and it felt good to clear my head for a bit, and stay distracted long enough to unwind for a while. A breath of fresh air for sure, and much needed. Proof to myself that I'm still in here somewhere. So thanks to Jason for taking the time out of his day to keep me company, and get my brain working right for a bit. Some interesting conversations for sure, and I even unloaded a few thoughts that I struggle with.

The rest of the time, when I am able to fight the tiredness, I feel like a bit of a zombie right now if I'm honest. As I said before, losing focus on thoughts is an issue. Trying to stay on topic can be a fight. Even watching programs I love can be a chore just trying to concentrate enough to make sense of things.

You know when someone says "clear your mind", something most of us find impossible at the best of times, to think absolutely nothing. But for me, I have moments where it is just that..NOTHING! Like I am rebooting, just staring, with nothing at all going on, until I catch myself, then it is a huge wave of thoughts crashing over me. Much like a real wave, once it passes all that remains is fragments of it. So when my thought wave hits, it is like being bombarded with a whole day of thoughts and emotions at once, and seconds later you are left with tiny pieces which together form nothing. Soaked through with pieces you cannot put together. This if course is followed by deep confusion for an undetermined period of time.

So with all that going on, I am hardly surprised that my brain just wants me to sleep. Lock me and itself away from generating any more thoughts to deal with. Problem there is, no matter how nice sleep is, I don't wake rested, I feel like junk for it, then beat myself up for having wasted time in the day. I have other things I need to get done, but can neither find the motivation nor the concentration to take on some tasks that would otherwise be deemed mundane. So there is a void in the day where there is almost nothing I can do with myself. Walking would be super cool, but I am trying to moderate that as its taking its toll on my feet and achillies, and of course there are a finite number of places I can walk to. Sure I can travel somewhere to walk, but that seems like a chore. Driving or getting public transport is an effort.  All that said, the outdoors is calling me, so I might venture out for a while.

Distraction is what I need right now. Non stressful, relaxing distraction. Conversation over coffee, entertainment to keep my mind occupied, so I shall seek to find myself some of that. But you know, just writing that has caused a wave of tiredness, almost like my brain trying to shy away from the idea. So who knows eh.

The plan for me right now, the hours and days ahead is to fight sleeping and inactivity, to focus on getting up at a reasonable time. Structure my day in a way I can stay busy somehow, without exhausting myself and causing more stress. Easier said than done. I am seeing the doctor again in a weeks time, so hopefully I will have levelled out a bit by then, or at least she will be able to make sense of things, and point me in the right direction.

As a footnote, I have to say that last night was one of the hardest battles I have had to get to sleep for a few days now. Just unable to relax my mind, being bombarded with thoughts with no relevance to the day just gone. Overloaded, and all just flashing through my mind, it was a very unwelcome feeling, and one I was hoping had passed for the time being. Guess it shows you never know what to expect when your mind is misbehaving.

Right, this has been enough of a challenge for my tiny mind just getting this far, and trying to make sure it makes sense, so will leave it there.

Thank you to anyone who has shown genuine concern, less so to those who just want to pry or make stupid comments, both sides have a huge impact on coming to terms with the situation.

Probably not the best of ideas, given that its the root of my issues, but I'm only human right! And with no thinking, comes no doing.

Tracking back over the course of the past few weeks, trying to think where it all started to go wrong, it's impossible to say it was one event, if it was even anything I have done or been a part of that is. But I do know that in the past couple of months I have really gone outside my comfort zone, A LOT! Doing things I don't usually do, going to places which don't conform to "the norm" for me, and having thoughts and feelings which I, am in fairness, unfamiliar with.

After much advice and a little pressure, ok a fair bit of pressure, I did the whole "get back out there" thing. And I have to say, as  much fun as it was meeting people, spending time with them, and chatting, it has really taken its toll on me. Just sitting thinking about it now stresses me out. For the short while I bothered engaging with the whole "meet people" sites and apps, I felt obliged to impress or be someone I am not. Fact is, as per other entries, I am no good at that sort of thing, and am rarely as comfortable as I want to be with others.

There is one exception to the above, but things don't always go the way you expect, and sometimes you realise things a little too late.

So looking back, I have to say that trying to get out there and meet new women hasn't really worked out for me. If anything all it has done is allowed me to upset a few lovely people, and damage friendships rather than building new ones.

Then of course there is work, that in itself can really take its toll, and for quite a while now has added to the stressed of day to day life. That said, it has also been a great release too, so I can't honestly say what impact that has had. But can be sure it has played a part in the whole situation. Whether it be the nature of the job, or the environment, well that is another discussion.

My last blog entry on Tuesday mentioned that I might lose my writing brain for a bit, and I have to say, given that it is Saturday now, that seems to have happened. Trying to put paragraphs together is a bit of an effort, and thinking far enough ahead to write this, and keep the flow going is a nightmare. Let alone trying to stay focused on one thing for long enough to make it all make sense.

It's hard to say what impact the medication is having right now, 5 days in it will be having an effect, but as things have been a bit crazy the past few days, its hard to get a baseline. Tuesday evening I contacted a tattooist who's work I love as he said he had availability this week. Confirming Thursday all day was still available, I got thinking on ideas, and took the booking. Within the next 24 hours of conversation I went from one location to be tattooed to another, but stuck fast with my design idea.

The basis of the idea was quite a simple one. But might be awkward to explain. The artist is a new school artist Craig Measures (Instagram link to his work)  so the idea would have to be "cartoon like" I wanted something to relate to my ongoing battle with the day to day persona I have, and the inner me who constantly struggles to get out, so what better cartoon or comicbook character to relate to than The Hulk. Just out of coincidence, one of the things that is really helping me right now is working out. Be it cardio or weights, I have to go into a zone when I am training, so can put everything else on hold. Smack bang opposite my multigym is a huge Marvel mural, and directly opposite where I stand to train is... The Hulk. So the meaning ties in nicely for me.

Now obviously when I get a tattoo from a specific artist, I want their interpretation of the idea, so to jolly the idea up, we went with The Hulk smashing his way through a field of candy, just to put some bold and happy colours in there. Oh and a rainbow in the background, which is open to your own interpretation lol. So 24 hours after the first discussion I headed up to Birmingham for what would turn into a pretty epic day. Like I said earlier, things haven't been normal enough yet to get a baseline of how I'm actually doing.

Late morning we put the transfer on, and put a film on and got started. Anchorman played through, and as it did a couple more people joined us in the studio. Coffee was consumed, as were cookies and other sweet things, and progress was good. Over the course of the next X hours, we got through Anchorman, The Wedding Singer, Wreck It Ralph, Wayne's World and finally 40 Year old Virgin. By the time 40 YOV finished it was just us left in the studio, so it started to play over again, and got about half way through. Leaving at just after 9pm, I had been there for about 10 and a half hours, a fair bit of which was being tattooed. Craig admitted it had taken longer than expected, but was determined to keep his word and get it done in the day.

The end result, a stunning and bold piece, full of colour and character. Just what I needed. That said, the 130 mile drive home after was fun!
So here it is.

Now the downside to having your whole rather large calf tattooed with heavy colour in one go is, walking! As the healing starts, walking becomes rather uncomfortable to say the least. Not impossible, but just a little undesirable. With walking the dogs, and staying active having been my crutch recently, it leaves me in a bit of a bind. Today has been a first for a few things. First blog entry since meds, first dog walk since tattooing, and the first day of mixing with the mass public since doctors too. That went well!

Walking around Sainsburys earlier was a huge wake up call for me. Sitting in your own company it is easy to think that things are going well. But returning to the human race, and dealing with others really hits home just how you feel. Bit like coming home from 2 weeks away back to your home and dogs, and realise how much they stink. Put up with something for long enough and you become desensitised to it, so don't realise how it impacts you. When people put up with crap day in day out (from other people not dogs!) you soon just learn to live with it, and don't see how it affects you. Take a step back for a while, and on your return everything is a lot clearer to you. Then you have to decide what you are, and are not willing to put up with anymore.

Anyway, returning to the main subject before I sign off, thinking!
What I have realised is, with the best of intentions, sometimes things just don't work out. Be it your own ideas, or things others do and suggest, believing its for the best, from time to time the outcome is worse, not better. And then when you mix that with the issues of over thinking things, and anxiety, you are suddenly left with even more mess on your plate, and harder things to think about.

For me, for now, it is back to the depths of my own mind, and looking after myself, and my new tattoo.