Yesterday turned out to be the turning point I have been expecting for a while now, and my god it turned fast. Like a jet fighter doing a vertical stall, my mood has shot up over recent days, but reaching stalling point, the past 12 hours have been spent plummeting to earth at breakneck speeds.
A question I clearly don't ask myself enough these days, but one that springs to the front of my mind right now.
Forgive the ramblings of a mad man, but its all bubbling up to the surface right now, so as you know I like to blog it before it starts to set and make no sense to me.
I am chatting to a few people tonight on my faithful BBM (I would be lost without Blackberry Messenger), while at the same time watching/listening to a 90's resurrection set on MTV Dance, and as things are said, and tunes play, I am slowly starting to figure out a few little things, like "who I am"
Adult life started in the 90's for me, so clubbing days, driving around like a misguided youth, and discovering myself, were all done with this music as my soundtrack. Hearing these tunes play while I am in deep though provokes all sorts of thoughts.
Tunes that remind me of first experiences, ones that remind me of friends who have since passed. Past relationships, watching my daughter grow, and so much more. You know what I mean. Music is like a smell or a taste, in an instant we are back 10 years, living a moment all over again.
Then the next thing I know I am reminiscing of days gone by, and comparing the me of yesteryear, and wonder what is real and what is the adapted me. The me that has shaped myself to fit in, or accept what I have before me.
We all do it, set out with dreams and aspirations, and before we know it they are changing. Changing because its easier to change our way of thinking, than it is to make changes to our life. Leaving the comfort zone, stepping forwards, moving on, and daring to think outside the box... All too daunting for anyone and everyone from time to time.
*Just to digress for a moment, N-Trance "set you free" has just come on, and my god that has gone from being a club banger, to almost a sentimental meaningful song... Anyway... Back to the other bit.
So our aspirations change, but in my case when I look back in reality, I think I have stayed pretty true to my chosen path. OK so I'm not successful, retired and living in Florida, but we can all dream eh.
But in general, certainly up to a couple of years ago I would say I have stayed on track.
Its the past 24-36 months that provoke deeper thought for me. I have not strayed, and I still know what I want, but my life has been put on the back burner, until recently at least. The past week or two have honestly made me realise I need to live for myself too, and stay in touch with my own realities, not just those of people who "need" me.
Achievements of recent make me stronger and more positive. Steps I have taken in different directions make me confident, and people around me empower me to strive for a better life than the ditch I seem to have slipped into over recent months.
So when I think about it, the answer to who am I is a simple one really... I am me, Michael. The deep minded, over thinking, complex emotional guy. The one who spends most of his life wanting to improve other peoples lives, and forgetting to take the occasional time out to focus on his own life. Yet here I am... Taking time to reflect and think about my own life. So maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I think.
OK so I said I was rambling, and know this makes no sense, so let me summarise...
Respect your own decisions, regardless of what others try to make you believe, or opinions they impose upon you.
Don't be afraid to do something different, new, unexplored. Just because you think it might upset someone. If it upsets them, then is their opinion that important to you?
Take time out for YOU. Regardless of how smooth sailing life may seem, there is always room for manoeuvre, and time for a quick sanity check. When you lose touch with yourself, reality becomes a blur.
Remember who YOU are. What you stand for, your beliefs, morals and goals in life. There is always room for compromise, but rarely room for total surrender.
After blurting all this out, I am making sense of the root of this all, and getting back in touch and in tune with my own thoughts and emotions (as those who know me will be able to tell by how much I'm writing)
So thank you for reading, thank you for inspiring my thoughts this way, and take care of Number 1
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