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Published on Leave a comment on Bollox to it!

After deep thought and careful contemplation, the final outcome to my recent train of thought, is, "bollox to it".
A lot has gone on over recent weeks and months, health, personal life, work life, home etc. Lots to think over, loads to consider, and I have realised something. The more I rely on others, the more involvement others have on my day to day life, the more complex things become.

Right now, simplicity rules my life, having found a solitary existence, blocking out all sorts of external influences, and getting into my own solid routine was working well. Then came hospital appointments, changed priorities, and worst of all, a change in the routine I had found.

Training has slipped to one side, my creative mind has turned to absolute shit, and eating is terrible. All stuff three months ago which were high on my list of priorities. I have let myself become distracted, and have fallen victim to myself.

The worst part about the whole thing is my damn mind. Unable to let anything go, dwelling on random crap that just brings me down. Turning the slightest hiccup in to an almighty fuck up in a single heartbeat. If only my brain could just do what it did on meds, and just let shit slide once in a while, I'm sure I could be much happier.

My problem is free time, thinking time, dwelling time. If I stick to my plan and stay busy, my mind doesn't get a look in. The day flies by, spirits stay high, and negativity can just go do one. But having fallen from routine, I have these awkward gaps in my day and week which desperately need plugging. Its almost like a sanity leak.

The dilemma kills me time and time again. Boring but solid routine, or exciting but risky existence, with scope for dive bombing moments of disappointment, which can spiral into moments like this.
I trust routine, I crave routine, but maybe my routine needs a little freshening up. Nothing wrong with change here and there eh.

Right now though, I want to go to sleep this evening, wake on Monday morning with a huge cup full of motivation, a little luck on my side with my achillies, to allow me to get on with life, and slip back into routine. Chances of it happening like that are pretty damn slim, but hey, got to stay positive, right!

So many trains of thought all leaving the station together right now, tugging my heart and mind in so many directions, and it's confusing the hell out of me, wants, desires, ambitions, and inhibitions... Which way to go. Time to take the fall of faith, and just let myself drift into the path which wins me over I guess.

With all that out of my head, I am going to go and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until my eyes can't stay open any longer. Then drift off into a state of broken sleep, filled with flashing images of the past, the future, and all that terrifies me. And you thought Halloween was a time of fiction and fun. Well, welcome to Halloween in my head! It's not pretty.

I bid you farewell for now, and remember... Bollox to it all !

Published on Leave a comment on Who am I ?

A question I clearly don't ask myself enough these days, but one that springs to the front of my mind right now.

Forgive the ramblings of a mad man, but its all bubbling up to the surface right now, so as you know I like to blog it before it starts to set and make no sense to me.

I am chatting to a few people tonight on my faithful BBM (I would be lost without Blackberry Messenger), while at the same time watching/listening to a 90's resurrection set on MTV Dance, and as things are said, and tunes play, I am slowly starting to figure out a few little things, like "who I am"

Adult life started in the 90's for me, so clubbing days, driving around like a misguided youth, and discovering myself, were all done with this music as my soundtrack. Hearing these tunes play while I am in deep though provokes all sorts of thoughts.

Tunes that remind me of first experiences, ones that remind me of friends who have since passed. Past relationships, watching my daughter grow, and so much more. You know what I mean. Music is like a smell or a taste, in an instant we are back 10 years, living a moment all over again.

Then the next thing I know I am reminiscing of days gone by, and comparing the me of yesteryear, and wonder what is real and what is the adapted me. The me that has shaped myself to fit in, or accept what I have before me.

We all do it, set out with dreams and aspirations, and before we know it they are changing. Changing because its easier to change our way of thinking, than it is to make changes to our life. Leaving the comfort zone, stepping forwards, moving on, and daring to think outside the box... All too daunting for anyone and everyone from time to time.

*Just to digress for a moment, N-Trance "set you free" has just come on, and my god that has gone from being a club banger, to almost a sentimental meaningful song... Anyway... Back to the other bit.

So our aspirations change, but in my case when I look back in reality, I think I have stayed pretty true to my chosen path. OK so I'm not successful, retired and living in Florida, but we can all dream eh.
But in general, certainly up to a couple of years ago I would say I have stayed on track.

Its the past 24-36 months that provoke deeper thought for me. I have not strayed, and I still know what I want, but my life has been put on the back burner, until recently at least. The past week or two have honestly made me realise I need to live for myself too, and stay in touch with my own realities, not just those of people who "need" me.

Achievements of recent make me stronger and more positive. Steps I have taken in different directions make me confident, and people around me empower me to strive for a better life than the ditch I seem to have slipped into over recent months.

So when I think about it, the answer to who am I is a simple one really... I am me, Michael. The deep minded, over thinking, complex emotional guy. The one who spends most of his life wanting to improve other peoples lives, and forgetting to take the occasional time out to focus on his own life. Yet here I am... Taking time to reflect and think about my own life. So maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I think.

OK so I said I was rambling, and know this makes no sense, so let me summarise...

Respect your own decisions, regardless of what others try to make you believe, or opinions they impose upon you.
Don't be afraid to do something different, new, unexplored. Just because you think it might upset someone. If it upsets them, then is their opinion that important to you?
Take time out for YOU. Regardless of how smooth sailing life may seem, there is always room for manoeuvre, and time for a quick sanity check. When you lose touch with yourself, reality becomes a blur.
Remember who YOU are. What you stand for, your beliefs, morals and goals in life. There is always room for compromise, but rarely room for total surrender.

After blurting all this out, I am making sense of the root of this all, and getting back in touch and in tune with my own thoughts and emotions (as those who know me will be able to tell by how much I'm writing)

So thank you for reading, thank you for inspiring my thoughts this way, and take care of Number 1
Regards
Michael

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