Sad as it sounds, but it f recent events have taught me anything, it's that I am destined to be single. Now I know that sounds dramatic, and maybe a little self pity in there too, but it's not like that at all.
When I say destined, I mean by my own hand, and not that on others. The more I look at my life, my needs, and how I conduct myself, the more I realise that the chances of finding someone compatible is very slim. Add to that my reluctance to go through the mill over and over til I find such a person, and there you have it. Destiny.
I have had my fair share of relationships, long, short, simple and stupidly complex. A couple of times I have come close to feeling like things were as good as they get, but getting back up from an encounter so close gets harder and harder.
Over the past few months I have been to hell and back with complex feelings and thoughts. Attempts at connecting with people, and the realisation that I'm just not very good at it. Unfortunately failed connections lead to a huge amount of self loathing, not to mention confusion in my already fried brain.
It's impossible not to feel the cause of these failures, or just poor attempts, and adding them to the trail of destruction that I already leave in my wake, and it all becomes a bit too much to deal with.
Friendship is where it's at. The best times are had with people you trust to be within an inch of your soul. Tighter within the inner circle than some can imagine a friend can be. Trust give you unlimited belief in yourself and what you and others can do together, and washes away any inhibitions you may hold.
Again, recent months have taught me this, and knowing I have a handful of people in my life willing to put up with me through my lows, and let me in when they feel the same way. It shows me a bond exists which I never thought possible. One which has no price, no end game. Just loyalty and trust to the death.
Thank you to anyone who has opened themselves up to me during this time, and sorry to anyone who I leave in my wake. Sorry for anything I may have done to you, and sorry you could not have the bond with me that others have sought and found.
Sometimes we need to take a step back from a situation we are in to truly appreciate it's value to us in life. Not always for the better though. Sometimes we are released from a situation we believed made us happy, but in truth just held us frozen in time, with no place to go, and no vision for a future. So here's to those who have set us free from such situations. Regardless of their intentions for this release, from afar, aside from the pain it causes us to be torn away, it is relief, and a second chance at our own lives.
So, going back to my point, I would take friendship with wonderful people, great times with great minds, and the security of knowing we form a bond together which protects us throughout our lives. Than gambling it all on "the one" and distance my self from great people, for the isolation of the company of one.
Does it make me sad? Of course it does. The embrace of another, the warmth of a loving soul by your side is something amazing. Something I have longed for for many years now, but failed to find. The warmth of another is by far the greatest thing I miss from a relationship. Not the ego, not the sex, just the simplicity of the desire of another, and feeling safe in the arms of someone who cares.
So there you have it. Months of depression, soul searching and confused situations, all wrapped up in one simple blog entry.
To friends, and simplicity.