Where did it go? My motivation to get up early has disappeared. Even after an early night like last night, bed by 9pm, slept til 6am. That is already a long sleep for me. But to then lay in bed til 8.30am is just ridiculous!
In my head I'm not avoiding getting up, it's just that the bed is so warm and comfortable, at least that is what I am telling myself to justify staying in there so long. The reality is slightly more sinister than that.
For the past week now my mood has bounced violently from highs to lows, changing in a flash with no obvious reason. The side effects of that are that by 8pm nightly my mind is shutting down, creating a lethargic feeling and demanding I go to bed asap. Hence not making it past 9.30pm most nights.
The getting up later and later has been around for the past week too. Occasionally I can fight through it and get out and moving straight away, but less and less as time goes on. The reason? Well my simple explanation is avoidance. If I don't get up, the day doesn't start. If the day doesn't start then I have no fear about what it might hold. No need to encounter people ordeal with anything. So while I feel like I am happy and having a lazy lay-in, I am in fact happy because I am preventing anything happening. Classic sign of depression, and one I am not happy about having to fight.
Once I am up I generally have a good amount of energy, and manage to stay active throughout the day, weather determines what I can do each day. Today for example it's raining a bit, but the only outdoor activities I have planned are my C25K session, and hopefully being able to walk the dogs. The rest I have planned is all indoors.
I am seeing my GP tomorrow, I am also having a meeting with my new manager at home, and then have therapy later in the day. Still not sure about therapy, I will see how I go at the doctors in the morning, and decide from there.
It is also my daughters 21st birthday today. No stress there at all eh.
I really hope I can find a way to break this cycle of excessive sleep and bed time, but in a positive and non self destructive way. Not that things have gotten a lot better recently, but I really don't want to drop any lower. For the first time yesterday I contemplated calling the emergency number I have for the mental health department. I have considered it before but only as a flash thought, but this time I was running through in my mind what I would say, and what I hoped to hear back.
Then I remembered how hopeless they have made me feel before, and my lack of faith and belief on their ability, so just went back to feeling empty and hopeless again. As well as alone.
My small victory for the morning was banging my head. Sounds a bit weird I know, but there is a victory there, trust me.
On banging my head (accidentally) the immediate thought was to blame my whole life for it, feel I deserve it, and just put it down to who I am. But I managed to switch that to reality. I don't do it every day, accidents happen, and it was just unfortunate. Silly as it sounds, that is HUGE. It is so easy to take the blame for everything, and spiral down and down from one simple thing like that. I win that round.
So as I sit on the sofa now, relaxed having not been on social media, no conversations going on, TV off, and breakfast in my belly. I am formulating a plan for today, and also for tomorrow morning. All seems quiet and peaceful, but the day hasn't truly started yet. Once I get my running gear on and head to the park, then the fun starts.
Running and exercise plans for today are to not be self destructive. Not to run or train til I am in pain. Do my C25K session, then either a single mile lap to see if I can beat my PB, or if my legs are in the game (especially after yesterdays 40 mile bike ride) throw in a 5k to pass time and see what my pace is like. We shall see.
Right, I'm off to avoid the day for a bit longer.