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After a bit of a wobbly morning, and a nice long 3 or so mile walk at lunch, it was time for the afternoon session.

I have been trying to drip feed the info a bit more this time around, as the first time I was here, I felt I was giving it all away a little too easily

Morning sessions were all positive, great interaction with each of the students doing their differential. However this afternoon, I have just come out of the first session and am genuinely blown away by the approach  professionalism and thoroughness of the first student.

Her approach was spot on, as if she has done this 100 times already, however it turns out it is just her first  time doing mental health this week. Calm, interactive, patient led and compassionate. You can't teach that sort of persona.

This is not to detract from the other brilliant students I have interacted with already today. Each one of them is fantastic in their own right. Simply for being in the line of education they are in, they get my full respect. Not to mention how each one has been brilliant in diagnosis and patient interaction

But sometimes one person really stands out, and this was the one this time around.

*Edit*

Just come out of the second session, and again, amazing! Empathy in gallons, understanding, and all the right questions and replies. 

Going back to me for a bit. This morning was a little draining. Feeling situational anxiety I think would be the right way to put it. As expected, the slight drain on my energy levels of late has had an impact  However it has also taught me something about myself too.

Situational anxiety, is not the same as general clinical anxiety. They may present the same, but bounce back from situational is instant, where as being clinically anxious and going through a full on episode is completely different  thank heavens! I can understand more now when people say they feel anxious for a moment, and can better relate to what they mean by it. I have felt it many times before  but this is an eye opener for me, and I can now feel the difference.

Similar with depression really, although my feelings of genuine depression are a whole lot lower than when I feel, what I call "down". But I can understand when people call it being depressed about something all the same.

I do love a situation where everyone is coming away with new knowledge, and today is certainly one of those times. Last time I said I thought I felt anxious about talking about anxiety, and presenting with the symptoms again. I can confirm this is the case again. Reliving the visits to the doctors really does bring things to the front of your mind and can start to feel really real. However I won't stress as I know how it passed last time, and will again this time.

Well, here I am. Just got here on a rather wet an woeful day. Thankfully I have slept a little better over the last few nights, after having had a cold and struggled earlier in the week.

Currently sitting on the floor away from the group of actors and other real life patients, partly because I am still full of germs, and partly because its just nice to have some space after spending an hour on public transport

Second time around is a lot easier for sure, far less nerves about what to expect. That said, anxiety is knocking at the door, but in a very calm and gentle way. I got this! I have my rota for the day, and no quick escape this time. Rathe than a free session at the end of the rotation, I am in with a group, so my escape is delayed. Hopefully (and my biggest concern right now) I can get on a train and on the way home before the mad evening rush starts. Last time worked out just right.

Took a different route here today too, a little bit of variety is good for the soul  and keeps me trying new things, rather than sticking to the known all the time. Got to keep on top of things eh. Thankfully the longer section of my journey home starts at the first station  on the route, so the chances of a seat are much higher, especially as its London Overground. Fingers crossed eh. To get there is one stop on the Victoria line, which was rammed this morning, urrgh..

I travelled to London Bridge earlier in the week too, again around peak time, so if I say so myself, I have done well with the whole travelling thing. I think the hardest part has been the whole feeling crappy thing. Sniffles and travelling do not go well together.

Right, better get my head in the game, and think about my scenario for the day. Maybe the same as last time? That seemed to work out OK.

Oh no! I gave myself plenty of room here on the floor, away from the hustle and bustle of everyone else. But just like parking spaces, one person in an open area seems to attract others, so now people are setting up around me. Doh.

Not the end of the world, I am just making it out to be more than it is. Anxious thoughts, creating anxious feelings. Calm down Michael, its all OK. We will hopefully be going in for the briefing soon, then onto the sessions. I am straight in at 9.30 today, so time to calm down, prepare and do my thing.

Here goes...

Have a good day all.

3

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realise life is starting to get annoying. Suddenly see that you are not relaxed like you used to be?

That's me right now.
I am putting it down to lack of meaningful exercise recently, and the lack of endorphins surging through my body.

Things getting to me, that I would usually just brush off. I am certain (very hopeful at least) that is it not depression creeping up on me. This feels different, just frequently annoyed by things, and unable to shake them off as I usually would.

Feeling fat isn't helping, and it is something I need to get a grip of, my health, not the rolls of fat! I know my health has taken a real beating over the recent months, and it stresses me out. Hatred of myself some days for not making an effort when I know I could have.

Entering a ride in Nov has be back on the right road, and I am hoping more time spent training and getting my body working, will result in a clearer mind, and some direction back in my life. I seem to have forgotten the promise I made to myself back in March when I emerged from depression, that I would look after myself first.

Just writing this short, badly put together entry, just to mark my recognition of this moment, and try and make things more positive from here on in.

It's a common sign of the first stages of depression or stress,  but right now I have no reason to have either. That said,  I have noticed over the past week, I have struggled to switch off at night and stop thinking.

Anything and everything is game,  thoughts flying through my mind at a thousand miles an hour. From friends to current affairs. Flitting from one subject to the next in the beast of my heart.

I am hoping to resume training in the morning,  and hopefully that will serve as the energy draining mechanism I need. As will the yoga I have planned. Maybe that is best saved for the evening rather than mornings.

It is hard not to get caught in the momentum of this,  and start worrying about stress and depression again. I know I have to get money sorted,  but that isn't a huge pressure right now,  or doesn't feel that way anyway. It could be what's causing it.

Either way,  I will be keeping a close eye on myself over the coming weeks to see how things are. In a sense it is nice to have my complete free mind back,  on the other hand,  while still on meds it is a small concern that I am able to do so.

Before anyone suggests, yup I am familiar with relaxation techniques,  and practice them. It's not the end of the world,  when I do drop off,  I sleep well,  other than some strange dreams.

Another contributing factor is  physical well being. Hip is 90% better but still uncomfortable at night. Knee is almost totally fine now. But my body being the funny bastard that it is dealt me a bout of gout in my ankle this weekend. Thanks body,  you really do spoil me. Or is that ruin me?

Anyway,  wide awake so wrote this to pass some time. New week starts in an hour. Here's to next week and training again.

Where did it go? My motivation to get up early has disappeared. Even after an early night like last night,  bed by 9pm, slept til 6am. That is already a long sleep for me. But to then lay in bed til 8.30am is just ridiculous!

In my head I'm not avoiding getting up,  it's just that the bed is so warm and comfortable, at least that is what I am telling myself to justify staying in there so long. The reality is slightly more sinister than that.

For the past week now my mood has bounced violently from highs to lows, changing in a flash with no obvious reason. The side effects of that are that by 8pm nightly my mind is shutting down, creating a lethargic feeling and demanding I go to bed asap. Hence not making it past 9.30pm most nights.

The getting up later and later has been around for the past week too. Occasionally I can fight through it and get out and moving straight away, but less and less as time goes on. The reason? Well my simple explanation is avoidance. If I don't get up,  the day doesn't start. If the day doesn't start then I have no fear about what it might hold.  No need to encounter people ordeal with anything. So while I feel like I am happy and having a lazy lay-in,  I am in fact happy because I am preventing anything happening. Classic sign of depression,  and one I am not happy about having to fight.

Once I am up I generally have a good amount of energy,  and manage to stay active throughout the day,  weather determines what I can do each day. Today for example it's raining a bit,  but the only outdoor activities I have planned are my C25K session,  and hopefully being able to walk the dogs. The rest I have planned is all indoors.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow,  I am also having a meeting with my new manager at home,  and then have therapy later in the day. Still not sure about therapy,  I will see how I go at the doctors in the morning, and decide from there.

It is also my daughters 21st birthday today. No stress there at all eh.

I really hope I can find a way to break this cycle of excessive sleep and bed time, but in a positive and non self destructive way. Not that things have gotten a lot better recently,  but I really don't want to drop any lower. For the first time yesterday I contemplated calling the emergency number I have for the mental health department. I have considered it before but only as a flash thought,  but this time I was running through in my mind what I would say, and what I hoped to hear back.
Then I remembered how hopeless they have made me feel before, and my lack of faith and belief on their ability, so just went back to feeling empty and hopeless again. As well as alone.

My small victory for the morning was banging my head. Sounds a bit weird I know,  but there is a victory there, trust me.
On banging my head (accidentally) the immediate thought was to blame my whole life for it,  feel I deserve it, and just put it down to who I am. But I managed to switch that to reality. I don't do it every day,  accidents happen,  and it was just unfortunate. Silly as it sounds, that is HUGE. It is so easy to take the blame for everything, and spiral down and down from one simple thing like that. I win that round.

So as I sit on the sofa now,  relaxed having not been on social media,  no conversations going on,  TV off,  and breakfast in my belly.  I am formulating a plan for today, and also for tomorrow morning. All seems quiet and peaceful,  but the day hasn't truly started yet.  Once I get my running gear on and head to the park, then the fun starts.

Running and exercise plans for today are to not be self destructive. Not to run or train til I am in pain. Do my C25K session, then either a single mile lap to see if I can  beat my PB,  or if my legs are in the game (especially after yesterdays 40 mile bike ride) throw in a 5k to pass time and see what my pace is like. We shall see.

Right,  I'm off to avoid the day for a bit longer.

Time, the ticking clock of life, never stopping til our final breath. Constant in rhythm, but not in its direction.
I have had a lot of time recently to look back at my life, and make comparisons of then and now on many fronts. The deeper I have dug, the more I have realised about myself, and if I am honest, the more I have grown confused about who I am now. The thought process isn't a controlled one, nor a voluntary one. More something that imposes itself upon me at the most inopportune moments possible. Like when trying to relax or get some sleep.

Anger. That is the first thing I realise that has changed about me. People use the term "he has mellowed with age", and while it seems a bit cheesy, I have to say it is the case with me. I can look back and remember times when anger got the better of me, for the right and wrong reasons. Kicking a moving car as it jumped a red light almost hitting my new born daughters buggy, then chasing the driver down, who turned out to be huge, but not backing down. Punching through a panel in a door after a very emotional conversation with my daughters mum, telling me I couldn't see my daughter. Which resulted in slicing through my hand, gushing with blood, and having to call my heavily pregnant sister at work to ask her to come and help stop the bleeding.
The last true episode of frustration and anger I recall is when I had my Golf, back in about 2006, getting frustrated with the rear wiper I was trying to fix, knocking a few tools out of the toolbox, and losing it, and emptying the contents out, causing my then girlfriend to get very upset.

There have been many examples before that, but time has indeed mellowed me, or something has. While I still shout abuse when frustrated, and occasionally get mad at others on the road, the bulk of the anger is all in the past. Or should I say, the bulk of all irrational behaviour is history.

Then there is sadness to the point of crying. One of the emotions I really wish I hadn't lost, but went a long long time ago. The pressure valve that is crying, is a helpful one in life. When it all gets too much, it's nice (from what I recall) to just let it all go, and feel a bit better without all that emotion clogging you up inside. My last recollection of crying was around 2002, and if I recall correctly Simon Watts was the poor sod who had to listen to me blubbering on the phone for ages. But remembering back to then, I actually can, I remember by the end of the conversation feeling relieved. If you compare the need to crying to the need to pee, once it starts relief begins, and by the end of it, all is much better. Strange comparison, forgive me.

There have been lots of times in the past 13 years where crying probably would have really helped me out, but alas it doesn't happen. I get choked up, I get teary eyed, but that's as far as it goes. The death of loved ones, sad news shared with others, hell even emotional endings to films. Nothing sets the tear ducts in full motion these days, and quite frankly it sucks. I know people say some people cry too much, and I'm sure it's a chore to cry at everything, but bottling it up for years and years... That really isn't nice. If I ever do cry again, I might actually need to be put on a drip to keep me hydrated.

Other needs and emotions seem to have changed too. Like I would kill for a no strings cuddle up on the sofa with a take away and a movie, over a crazy lust filled chase for gratuitous sex. (NO, I am not saying I don't like sex anymore lol). I guess as you experience things in life, you learn what matters and what doesn't. The past decade has taught me some very valuable lessons in that department, including what physical acts are important to me over others. I know this is all a bit strange to share, but it's never stopped me in the past, so why get shy now eh.
I read an article this morning actually saying that five good long hugs a day are good for you, and it stimulates certain centres in the brain. The article is here... http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

The content I refer to here is this part.

So hug someone today. And do not accept little, quick hugs. No, no, no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs.
Via The Upward Spiral:
A hug, especially a long one, releases a neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.
Research shows getting five hugs a day for four weeks increases happiness big time.

So any offers from any of my cute female friends to help me out with this one is appreciated. Til then, it's just me an my Primark pillow :'(
But seriously, of the few I have had over recent times, it is somewhat true. A hug can feel so warm and reassuring. Hence sofa snuffle over bedroom fumble.

Back when mum was about, I was living as the son role. Even though I was grown up, mentally I still just had fun and didn't care much for the consequences. In later years, looking after her, and having to take responsibility, and get a grip on actual adult living came as quite a shock. No more safety net, and worse still, I had lost my outlet of impartiality. Now and forever more when confiding information, or just blowing off steam, choosing the right person was imperative. Naturally I think at this point I stopped being totally open. And the bottling up of thoughts and emotions begun.
I know I am open on here, but trust me there are so many more things I would not dare share openly, or in fact with another person. Trust for me is hard to find.

And there we have the next thing that time has changed. Trust.
Once upon a time, although I would not open my heart to people, I trusted a few to carry some of my darker secrets. In recent years, there is no other way to say it than I have been betrayed. Hung out to dry and offered for sacrifice, in one case almost to the point of losing my job. Yet the same people who did these things happily speak to me when the mood suits as if there is nothing wrong. Even enquiring about personal matters, like I am going to share anything like that with the backstabbing arseholes. Not just the work issue, but other times when a closely guarded secret has suddenly been discussed with others, putting me in an awkward position.
I like to think I am a pretty open book, and a straight shooter. Want to know how I feel about something? Simple, ask me. You might not like what you hear if the question is about yourself, but I will do my best to convey my feelings on the matter.
So over the years I have learned not to trust people. Sadly that leaves a select few to be burdened with all my inner most thoughts. Sorry about that.

Time changes people, it's true. But more to the point our experiences in life, over time change us, and make us the people we are today. In my case I am not sure that is such a good thing. I would not go as far as to say I am broken, but I certainly feel like some experiences in life have had a negative impact on me.
After my daughter I lost interest in having any more kids, even if the relationship had presented the opportunity, I would shy away for sure. Having been through something so traumatic as to lose contact for so long, 17 years almost now, the thought of taking that chance again scared the shit out of me for years.
That's just one example of how my past has changed me. Before that happened I couldn't wait to be a dad. Sad really.

I will wrap up by saying how I realise how much recent times have again changed me, and when it comes to self confidence, approaching situations where rejection is possible, or just laying myself bare for judgement in any walk of life, I am weak!

Oh well. Time to rebuild I guess eh.

The past few days have been strange for me, I know I say that a lot recently, but these have been noticeably stranger to previous.
Today for example, focusing on anything is an effort, tiredness is a big part of the day. Getting up this morning wasn't an easy decision, turning the alarm off that has worked for the past few days. The getting up of course could be due to a really horrible nights sleep last night, waking and having to get up and unwind a couple of times. The wind banging things about again put my mind into overdrive.

Postponing the dog walks for a couple of hours, as after 7am the school run and work commute is underway, and the pavements busy, no place for me right now with the dogs. So I went after 9. Slow relaxed pace for a short while, but as bad weather and drizzle moved in, and the dogs were walking too slowly for my liking, so I soon became short tempered and anxious.

Yesterday I went to see the doctor, which was something that had played on my mind a lot the day prior to the trip. Again trying to work out how to explain where my mind is right now, and what the outcome of the consult would be. Would I need more or different meds, more time off, a different approach. But all went well all things considered, she was again very helpful and understanding about all matters.

Sadly the same can't really be said at this stage about the Psychological Therapy people. After getting a text and a letter, both of which I replied to, I got another letter saying they couldn't contact me. I called them up, concerned and frustrated, only to find out they were responsible for a couple of calls from a private number, which had left no message. Not very helpful.

I finally got a call back and a telephone appointment / consultation at 2pm yesterday. Having been through the initial screening call before I knew what to expect, or thought I did.  All started normally, but after I started to open up a bit more, the guy started making weird associations of my issues, and suggesting causes and connections I just can't see. I know he is the pro, but I still have some wits about me, just about.

Towards the end of the call I was asked what I would like the therapy dept to do..... Well, I am not right, and have explained my problems. I would like you to take that all on board and decide professionally how best to approach the process of recovery from this. Being told you sound perfectly articulate, and seem to be communicating well with a stranger is all well and good, but compared to how I normally feel and think, something isn't right.
That's a bit like telling a sprinter they are running fine, because they can beat you in a race, when they are 2 seconds off their PB.

I was then told there are a number of options and therapies available, and that he wants some time to consider them, so will contact me tomorrow (today) or on Monday.

The funniest part was the closing lines. Being told the call will come in the next 1 to 4 days, and "not to worry" because the call will come at some point. So not to stress or get worked up or feel forgotten about, its ok.
Right I suffering from anxiety, I have explained my triggers for the past hour, and you finish by telling me in the vaguest way possible that you will "be in touch". Well that puts my mind at rest, I shall relax for the whole weekend with the vague reassurances of a complete stranger. Thanks!

Other than that, there have been highs and lows in the mix this week. Finally discharged from physio for my achillies, we both believe that I am on the right road to recovery, and now know now to manage the issue, which has made me feel better about all the walking I have been doing. Which in turn now has my feet sore as hell. But in a good way if there is such a thing.

I also found out I have broken 2 back teeth in one of the latest changes to my condition. Jaw clenching from anxiety. Which I believe is also the cause of my headaches too, clenched jaw, stiff neck muscles, and all knocks on from there.
The doc feels that me finding music and walking as good escapes from the feelings I have is a positive step, and has subsequently further signed me off for another period to allow me more time and space (opportunity) to administer self help without the reliance on more medication. The only down side to that is, on days like today I have no motivation or intention on going out much, so its going to be a touch one. Cue the cross trainer.

So that is me up to date really, other than to say I started a mood diary today. To note down how I slept, my AM and PM feelings , and general notes on the day. Like the blog, it is good to have something to refer back to to try and understand myself and thoughts a little better.

Thanks for reading, and as ever, thanks to the special few out there.

Just something I have to get off my chest, and mean no offence by it. But I really need to speak my mind about it.

Over the past days and weeks, and even during the last period I was like this, people have been pretty good about speaking to me. Some bravely sharing their own experiences, some with great pick me up conversations, and others with the right intentions, but missing the mark. OK and a few who just really don't get it at all.

A few pointers.. Chin up, cheer up, don't stress, it's gonna be ok... All things you say to someone when they have just punctured a tyre, dropped a glass, or deleted a file they wanted. NOT things you say to people who are suffering with depression, anxiety or stress etc. I know it seems the right thing to say or do. I know it works when your mate just got brushed off by the girl they like, but this ISN'T the normal thought process here, and it is really not that simple.

Now I know we all have lows in our lives, some are listed above. There are things in day to day life that can make us feel pretty shitty for a while. Simple things, missed opportunities, rejections, or accidents. They all give us a sense of doom and gloom. But seeing the right person, hearing the right thing, or going to the right place makes it all seem like its OK again, and in no time you get over it.
The same when you are up against the clock, need to get so many things done at work or at home before time runs out, that feeling of stress, and momentary loss of ability to think straight. But it passes once the tasks are done, and is followed by relief and jubilation.

What you feel at that moment is certainly not nice. And when you are asked by someone what is up it is common to day how depressed you feel. Which is a fair comment, as you emotions are under pressure, you feel down, depressed fits.
When you work colleague asks you why you are so flustered, and you tell them "I'm so stressed, I have so much to get done" , again it's a fair assessment, and you are indeed feeling the effects of stress.

What I want to explain though it, as much as you know how it feels to experience those pressures, and emotions, and you can empathise with others who are under the cosh, there is a difference.
When you merely feel the pressure, but know why, can rationalise it, and understand the external pressures which are affecting you right now, be it a rejection for a job, or the workload of a current job, you can not only understand why you feel how you do, you also know that when that moment has passed, normality will return.

The difference for someone suffering with long term stress, depression, anxiety is quite simply, its irrational. Sure the initial trigger might make sense. Losing someone close to you, relationship break-up or something smaller and less significant like trouble at work, or just a lot to get done. So pretty much the same as the above. The real difference starts when simple, mundane tasks that you carry out daily without even thinking about, start to become problematic. You start over thinking , making easy things complicated or even impossible. Shy away from things you have done for years, and you mind reaches such a point of confusion, that it starts to shut down. Block things out, ignore important aspects of life like communication and personal care. Until it reaches a point where you cannot function properly.

Shutting out external forces is usually the first thing to happen. After all that is where most of the unwanted pressure is coming from, so eliminate that ASAP.
Then the differences between individuals start to appear. Functioning or non-functioning are the options. Some people struggling with life can go on like nothing has happened, go to work, coexist, and try to socialise. Others go the opposite way and become non functioning, shutting themselves away from everything, refusing help, and denying that anything is wrong.

Acknowledgement is key in both cases, and both realising and admitting that something is wrong is one of the hardest parts to come to terms with, let alone admitting to others. Partially because of the way people interpret what you mean when you say you are suffering with depression. As I said above, a lot of people don't have a clue what is going on in your mind, but try, sometimes too hard, to reassure and empathise. Sadly the effect of this misunderstanding is you will more than likely block this person out from any future attempts at help.

Where we go from here is very much an individual thing. It is nice and also reassuring that friends have shared their stories with me recently, and similarities clearly exist between our situations. That said, I do not and would not expect them to believe that I fully understand, nor that they fully understand my feelings. Anyone who has been to a true low point knows that it is a very individual feeling.

One thing I do have to say though is, I am NOT brave, bold, or stronger than others for speaking out so openly about this situation. I know people mean well when they say it, and I appreciate the sentiment, it means a lot. But I am no braver than anyone else living an coping with depression. It takes far more strength to fight your inner most thoughts and fear, than it does to write a blog and share some of the less emotive matters in the situation. All I am trying to do by writing this is show others suffering in silence that it is OK to admit how you feel, and you are not alone in the darkness. No one can take the pain from your mind, but sometimes just getting some of it out there and engaging in dialogue, is enough to make the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place for you. A 5 min conversation can lead to days of clearer thoughts, and less weight on your shoulders.

My advise to anyone who has a friend, or even thinks a friend might be suffering with mental health issues. IF you have the time and the mindset, IF you care about their wellbeing, IF you can commit to them... Just let them know you are there. A quick "if you ever need a chat" and a reassuring smile, then leaving it alone, can do more than you can imagine. And when the time is right for that friend, and they feel you are the right person to speak to, they will come knocking. If they don't, please don't take offence to it. It's not them snubbing you, it is them making a brave decision, and starting a journey. Just not with you. But please be happy for them, and occasionally, with no pressure implied, remind them you are there. A quick text to say "heya, how's you" goes a long way.

PS, "mental health" merely relates to the wellbeing of the mind, and is a huge umbrella for a whole host of conditions. Someone diagnosed with a mental health issue is not immediately schizophrenic, bi-polar or a self harmer. So please don't be ignorant about it. People should be able to discuss their mental health issues without the above stigma being associated, and it is the ignorant people out there who immediately pigeon hole people like this who compound the issue for those suffering, and in turn prevent them from seeking help.

Right, that's me done. Said more than I intended to, but a brief moment of clarity got me caught up.

Just remember, whether self diagnosed, or clinically diagnosed and medicated for it, mental health issues are different for everyone. You are not me, I am not you. Empathy is fine, complete understanding, and advice like "cheer up" does NOT help.

My most frequent answer to most things right now. Get an idea, or realise something needs doing. Consider when to do it, and the answer comes out as "in a minute". Of course that minute never seems to come, and periodically you realise the list of things you want or need to do is ever growing. Growing to the point in fact where it is now becoming an organisational nightmare, so much so that all the ideas and needs now contained in the list are abandoned as too much effort.... And the list starts over.

Anything from moving an object from one room to another, right through to getting a much bigger job done. Most jobs appearing on the list are small and easy to complete, 5 mins tops. But for some reason, the idea of getting up and committing to getting it done is just one step too far outside the comfortable cocoon of safety I am currently shacked up in. I say shacked up not locked up as I know I can do them if I can just get my mind in the right place. Which happens from time to time, but not enough right now.

That minute I keep waiting for needs to be now. Well I say now, but I am actually a bit busy doing nothing at the moment, so will get to it soon instead. But here is my commitment to getting a few things done today.

Now for my excuse list...
It's raining. Therefore I can't walk the dogs, and if I don't walk the dogs, the start to my daily routine is upset already. Without that part, comes lethargy, and with that comes huge demotivation. In turn, sitting around leads to lots of thinking, or at least trying to, and from there a daily spiral begins.
Of course I can go for a walk without the dogs to get the machine in motion, but today I failed to do that, leading to a bit of an AM slump. So need to make the PM count, and get some chores lined up.

The next excuse is the tattoo. Stiff leg, discomfort getting moving, so it gave me my excuse this morning not to go for the walk, As does the want to keep the leg rested the best I can to aid healing, so again, great excuse to do naf all. In my mind at least.

The annoying thing is, a lot of things I have to do have specific windows of opportunity, and to miss them is basically punching myself in the balls. Price increases, and time limited offers for all sorts of things mean I need to act fast. But again, even though I can do some of them while I am sitting here writing this, the thought of getting into them, and going through a few easy steps, just feels like far too much effort and commitment for my brain to consider doing.

Sitting around, feeling so very tired, within an hour of getting up, feeling like I could go for a nap again. I know my body is craving some activity. I just need the motivation. And I might just have the answer. Jawbone UP. Having not used mine for months, since returning it as the 3rd one broke, I have been without an activity monitor. Considering the options out there, and sizing up the opposition, my biggest issue has been casting aside all the work I have done over the past year and half on my account. The FitBit Charge HR seemed like the best option to replace it, but I have just seen the UP2 is currently only £49 in Currys. I was considering the UP3, but with the heart rate only monitoring resting, and the price being somewhat higher, the 2 seems logical.

If I get a new monitor, I have a little faith in the fact that I will pick up my activity levels again. If not, I know I am in trouble, as the staying in and doing nothing is just a clear sign of things getting worse, not better. And I don't want that for a second.

Anyway, I better get on. I need to check my current list of to do things, and see what I can achieve today realistically, just to get myself back on the up and up. And if I can manage a trip to Currys to get the UP2, that will hopefully be a good start to getting active again. I can't do the cardio training I have been as its too much stress on the calf and tattoo right now, but all the rest should be fine. Here's to getting the heart pumping, and the mind working right again.

Well that was easier than expected....NOT!
Arriving in the area a little earlier than expected, I decided to go for an extended walk around the block. Having walked to the surgery, I was already nice and warm, but not ready to sit and wait, so wanted to make the waiting time as short as possible.

Rocking up at the surgery a few mins before the appointment (OK 5 mins), I went inside, registered my arrival and sat down. As soon as I did, the thoughts started all over again, along with fiddling hands and a bouncing knee, borderline uncontrollable. Wondering who this doctor was, and what they would be like. A few minutes later all was answered.

In the hallway appeared a lovely gentle looking lady, calling my name. As I got up and walked over, she introduced herself as the doctor. We sped down the hall to the consult room, and I sat down. Right, I thought, I have this all sorted out, so here goes. This is what I said.

I don't know how to explain myself, errm, depression, stress anxiety.... *I looked up to see if she was following. She was smiling and patiently waiting. *
I have been like this before, years ago, deeper, darker, I don't want to go back there. *My hands start gesturing and waving, my eyes searching around the room*
I can't ..... I don't ....... errrm. THIS! This is it.....

On looking back up, she was smiling back at me, a reassuring look on her face, she replied simply "ok".

Taking another deep breath and trying to calm my nerves, I start over again, this time a bit more composed, explaining that I had even written out what I wanted to say, but the stress of even having this conversation is just too much to think straight. Stopping for a moment, I just breathe, and can feel my heart pounding in my chest, light headed and slightly confused. I tell her this is how I am feeling right now, and how hard this consultation is for me.

We take a break for a moment while she looks through my notes, seeing how far back it is since such an episode occurred. I tell her its been 4-5 years, the notes confirm this.
Getting back to the present she enquires into what I feel might have triggered this, anything happened recently, or that I have been dwelling on for some time. We discuss possible triggers, and how I feel about aspects of day to day life. The obvious question of consideration of self harm comes up, and it is batted back with strong reassurances that I have never felt that way, and I confirm I would seek immediate help if it ever crossed my mind.

Now onto the sticky bit, how do I want to proceed. Knowing the options of meds, counselling or both, she decides that given how things are right now, starting on medication immediately would be wise, and as I like to speak openly, she also decided that a referral for counselling should also be made. Knowing of course that it could take some time. Another reason the meds should begin straight away. The decision is made to remain off work for the time being, and to allow things to normalise without provocation. No added stresses or changes, just me, daily life and the meds, and see how we all get along, and if the dose is right.

As this conversation went on, during breaks in speaking, I could feel my heart slowing, and started to feel more relaxed about things. Expressing this to the doctor, she was pleased by this, and said as hard as it had been it was most definitely the right thing to be doing now, and catching it before it gets any worse. Apparently recurrences of anxiety and depression can happen much faster, and strike much harder at times too. Good to know, and explains how fast I went down the pan in a week.

A referral form for the counselling form, a prescription for the medication, and a sick note for work are all printed and presented to me. She then says she would like to see me in two weeks time for a reassessment of the situation. Going through her diary it appears that the week she was aiming for is booked out with medical students in the surgery, and she is worried this might not be fair on me. I reply expressing my happiness for students to be present, and anything they can learn from this is fine by me. Looking back in slight shock and delight she says that if I am OK with it, it would be a great opportunity for them. Then it is agreed, that week is fine.

So here I sit now, after necking my first pill of many, after saying how strongly against the idea I was, given that they were the doctors decision, and me not asking for them, I am happier with them. The down sides of course are.. I'm officially on medication again now, so needs declaring when asked, and I didn't really want to be on them but hey. Then there are the hallucinations in the early days, at least that is what I had last time. Not so much full on hallucinations, but a blurred line between awake and asleep, conscious and subconscious. You know when you wake up in your dream, then wake up for real? Well try doing that about 4 times before you actually wake up. Quite strange. We shall see if that happens.

Then there is the one thing I hate the most. Mind numbness. At the moment I over think everything, even more than normal. Taking meds helps with that, but last time it swung me the complete opposite way. Lack of attention. You know when you think you need to do something, then you plan out how and when, then you drop the matter until the said time arrives? Well my thought process goes to "I must pay that bill.............Ah well!" And nothing in between.
Obviously a numb mind also could mean shorter blogs, I'm sorry! lol Lets see if the change is shorter, less, or just more rational and better structured entries.

One last thing before I go, and I know most won't have got this far, so am not expecting a huge group watching over me. But this is the first time I have ever been on these meds and been living alone, so actually have no one to tell me if I am acting differently, being stranger than normal, or anything like that. So going back to blog entries and social media etc, if you do see a change, please let me know. You don't have to come banging my door down, just mention it, so I am at least aware. Being off work, I am going to try and keep as much company as I can where possible, so again, if I see you, let me know how I'm doing.

Thanks for reading, thanks for the messages and support I have received in this short space of time. I know I say " I appreciate it" a lot, but it's not hollow, it's sincere, and the only way I know to express my gratitude.
One final thing. Sorry for being dull, depressing or just a little off with you if I have been. The fact I am even engaging with you shows my true intentions, but right now I tend to make a mess of them from time to time. So if you can, please look past this.