Having had days to dwell on how im feeling right now, I have finally stumbled across this explanation which I might add is an old one. Have you ever stood in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know, yet still felt alone? If so, then welcome inside my head right now.
Its a strange sensation, feeling like if you screamed for an hour, no one would hear it or even know you are there. While you hold conversation with the people around you all day long, and spend the whole time talking, at the same time you feel like there are conversations within you that cannot be had, exchanges of words needed, but no one to share them with. Its like being trapped inside your own head, with no one else to talk to.
By not being able to mentally reach out, all the conversations you are having in there just bounce around aimlessly. As we all know every good conversation leads to other conversations. So now put that inside a trapped mind. Imagine a marble rolling around in a box, each time a new conversation arises, another marble is added. And so it carried on, until instead of having that annoying nagging thought, or marble rolling about, it is dozens of them, crashing around inside your mind, making so much noise that day to day happenings seem impossible to deal with.
Its strange, hard to explain, how I can carry on functioning with doing things like writing this blog in a way which seems to make sense, but at the same time, other things, simple things from my day to day life just seem impossible to cope with or carry out. This morning I found every excuse possible not to walk the dogs, to avoid interaction with people, as it would just irritate me. Yet an hour later I was fine to get on a train to come to work and sit in a noisy office. And maybe thats just it...
Maybe the noise around the office, the strangers on the train etc all add up to be a distraction from ME! Not needing to engage in personal conversations, not having time to think about my life and myself, is just what I need right now, So for that I am very grateful.
But at the same time I am still left with the marbles. Ultimately they all need a way out of my head, all need dealing with, however at this time there is no logical way to get them out. Offers from friends to chat are gratefully accepted, but I feel like a burden to sit there saying 'me me me' all day long. It reminds me too much of people I already loath for doing just that. So I am still left with the quandary of how to get these thoughts out.
The big issue is the sensation of loneliness even WITH company. Dog walks in the evening have recently fallen silent with me just keeping my thoughts to myself, not wanting to touch on certain situations and conversations which have already been had a thousand times. But the problem is, half of the marbles in my mind are about these matters. Matters I cant control or change, but are driving me insane and eating away at my actual soul on a daily basis.
I guess time will take care of most of these things, then when the root is killed off, the weeds will die, or at least I hope so. If not I might just go completely crazy.
So for now, as I close this blog, its like a snail going back inside its shell. I just came outside into the wilderness to share these thoughts, and maybe even try and feel a little better by putting them out there. But now its time to go back inside, and back to the darkness of my mind, and the noise of the marbles crashing about inside my mind.
Thanks for reading.