Skip to content

Category: voices

Published on Leave a comment on Aaaah…… BOOM!

Waking up this morning after another night of broken sleep,  I felt clear and calm. You know like when you wake after a bad headache or pain,  and for a moment all is well. That false hope the body and mind give you, before switching everything back on again,  and turning the intensity up a notch. Well,  that just happened.

Not uncommon to feel that way,  but having not been here for quite some time,  I have to run it by a fellow nutcase,  just to get clarification that it was "normal".  The answer came back,  and confirmed genuinely nuts.

When I first woke,  the first thoughts through my mind were,  hey I feel good,  why am I even going to the doctors today. Starting to think it was all in my head,  then the penny dropped... Of course it's all I'm my head idiot,  it's my frickin brain!

A few minutes after that,  the first random thoughts of the day started to filter into my head,  and from there it all went downhill fast. Imagine the old days at the stock markets, on the trading floor. A few people doing the trades,  and a whole floor of traders shouting and waving at each other.
That's what goes on in my head over the most basic thoughts. Strangely enough,  writing like this blocks them out,  focusing on one thing,  being creative takes all the energy from the over active mind and puts it all in one place. Maybe that is why the recent entries have been longer than some others,  me desperately trying to keep writing,  stay focused and stop the inevitable slump that comes after.

So after waking wondering why I was going to the doctors,  I am back where I was before,  and glad I'm going there in an hours time. I wish I could explain how anxious I am about it right now though. Not a good feeling. So I am gonna get ready,  put my headphones on and take a walk up there. Get some fresh air,  bombard the voices and thoughts with poor choices of music,  and go see a pro,  in the hope we are on the same page. Fingers crossed.

Published on Leave a comment on Isolation within a crowd.Marbles in my mind.

Having had days to dwell on how im feeling right now, I have finally stumbled across this explanation  which I might add is an old one. Have you ever stood in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know, yet still felt alone? If so, then welcome inside my head right now.

Its a strange sensation, feeling like if you screamed for an hour, no one would hear it or even know you are there. While you hold conversation with the people around you all day long, and spend the whole time talking, at the same time you feel like there are conversations within you that cannot be had, exchanges of words needed, but no one to share them with. Its like being trapped inside your own head, with no one else to talk to.

By not being able to mentally reach out, all the conversations you are having in there just bounce around aimlessly. As we all know every good conversation leads to other conversations. So now put that inside a trapped mind. Imagine a marble rolling around in a box, each time a new conversation arises, another marble is added. And so it carried on, until instead of having that annoying nagging thought, or marble rolling about, it is dozens of them, crashing around inside your mind, making so much noise that day to day happenings seem impossible to deal with.

Its strange, hard to explain, how I can carry on functioning with doing things like writing this blog in a way which seems to make sense, but at the same time, other things, simple things from my day to day life just seem impossible to cope with or carry out. This morning I found every excuse possible not to walk the dogs, to avoid interaction with people, as it would just irritate me. Yet an hour later I was fine to get on a train to come to work and sit in a noisy office. And maybe thats just it...

Maybe the noise around the office, the strangers on the train etc all add up to be a distraction from ME! Not needing to engage in personal conversations, not having time to think about my life and myself, is just what I need right now, So for that I am very grateful.

But at the same time I am still left with the marbles. Ultimately they all need a way out of my head, all need dealing with, however at this time there is no logical way to get them out. Offers from friends to chat are gratefully accepted, but I feel like a burden to sit there saying 'me me me' all day long. It reminds me too much of people I already loath for doing just that. So I am still left with the quandary of how to get these thoughts out.
The big issue is the sensation of loneliness even WITH company. Dog walks in the evening have recently fallen silent with me just keeping my thoughts to myself, not wanting to touch on certain situations and conversations which have already been had a thousand times. But the problem is, half of the marbles in my mind are about these matters. Matters I cant control or change, but are driving me insane and eating away at my actual soul on a daily basis.

I guess time will take care of most of these things, then when the root is killed off, the weeds will die, or at least I hope so. If not I might just go completely crazy.

So for now, as I close this blog, its like a snail going back inside its shell. I just came outside into the wilderness to share these thoughts, and maybe even try and feel a little better by putting them out there. But now its time to go back inside, and back to the darkness of my mind, and the noise of the marbles crashing about inside my mind.

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on At war with my demons.
Once again my demons of depression rear their ugly heads, and the pit of despair opens wide to try and swallow me up. Small things becoming the teeth of the demons, ready to consume me in a single vicious bite. An all too familiar feeling for me, and as usual there is no true reason for them to have broken free of their shackles.
My part here is to know what is happening, fight back, and refuse to allow them to catch me this time. Knowing all the warning signs of these bouts is key for me to fight back like this, and getting a grip on it early is important if I stand a chance of escaping without a mark on me.
Lack of energy, happy to sleep forever, no drive, and a touch of self loathing from time to time. Not to mention being emotionally delicate, and living on a short fuse. All the signs that things are going badly wrong in my head at this moment.
Why you ask? I have NO idea at all. Yes I have some stress in my life at the moment, but nothing worthy of feeling like shit. But I have a plan.
Not ignore it, not run away and hide, but to fight with every conscious thought I have each day. Refusal to let these little things weigh me down with doubt, anger and sorrow. Instead, turning negatives to positives, making the most of any situation thrown at me, and working towards the brightness of sunshine and happiness that awaits me on the other side.
As Waiting all Night (Rudimental) suddenly cues and plays into my ears, I picture the video and remember that the key to overcoming adversity and barriers in life is a two step progress. Positive mental attitude, and surrounding yourself with great people. Well I have the people, and I have the self belief, so it's just a matter of mixing them properly now to make it work out for me.
Typing furiously here, trying to get all these thoughts out of my mind and onto the WWW is a battle in itself, but something I need to do from time, now more than ever.
My name is Michael Snasdell, and from time to time I struggle with depression. I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid to admit it, and nor should anyone be.
Thank you for reading. That in itself helps, believe me, being heard, seen and recognised is part of the process here. 
Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10