There was once a time I craved the limelight, and the attention that came with it, these days I just like the conversation and back and forth that comes with staying in touch. Having wrestled for years with my identity, trying to decide who the real me was, I finally thought I had the answer.
Then new opportunities presented themselves just as I recovered from depression, and being out there again suddenly seemed desirable. Remembering all the positives that came with it, I dived in, but was soon reminded of the "pressures" and obligations that come with it.
Apparently it seems, all is not golden. As much as I would love to convince myself this is still where I like to be, it is only fair to say, it is not! Not to say that company and get togethers are a bad thing, they aren't. I have enjoyed getting back out there and remembering how cool it can be.... Occasionally!
Bouncing back from being locked away is a funny thing, and can give false signals about what we want. A bit like food, when you are really hungry you can over do it, and end up feeling a bit sick. I seem to have over indulged in my consumption of attention, and am now left feeling like I need a really long sleep and a break. Ironic that I have just returned from Spain, but still exhausted. The combination of pain, lack of activity and the spotlight has all culminated in the desire to lay down, curl up and have some me time. So that is what I am doing.
I don't feel it needs explaining much more than that really. It is my wish, and my need, and anyone who cannot understand or respect that probably misunderstands me, or thinks they know me better than they do.
I think everyone probably goes through these changes, a reshuffle of things that are important to us, and an internal reorganisation to make sure we are taking care of what matters, and not just being the person others want us to me.
With the first set of results from my back and hip pending, follow up appointment booked, chiropractor tonight, new meds to take along with my cocodamol, and a cycle ride I am more than likely about to pull out of, I think I have plenty of my own things to be getting on with, rather than worrying about what else is expected or wanted from me.
That is not to say that anyone I choose to engage with on a one to one basis is about to be dropped. There are people out there who I will always have time for, and hopefully they know that. If not, I will be making sure they do in the near future.
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