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Seems my mind is wandering a bit recently, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do certain things. Not quite sure why that is, but I can tell you it is annoying the hell out of me.

Prime example, this morning. Lovely morning, great forecast, fantastic weather for an early rise ride... But no! For some reason the brain wasn't having it, so that idea was quickly written off. Substituting the opportunity of riding out in the glorious weather, in fresh flowing air, with riding on Zwift on your trainer is a weak choice, but it is the one I went with.

I seem to worry about being too far from home, mechanical breakdown, or coming off. Not things which used to cross my mind so much. Maybe it is experience weighing down on me, maybe just my mind finding excuses I will listen to, to stop me over doing it. 130 mile week again this week, almost 4,000 miles for the year, and probably not enough rest. If I am left to my own devices, I will happily over do it. So maybe this is a good thing?

Either way, I know I am missing out. So if it is my mind trying to stop me over doing it, I need to reel it in elsewhere, to allow myself the chance to make the most of the good weather.

I have Ride London 46 in a couple of weeks time, and should complete my annual mileage goal around the same time. Hopefully after that I will get this demon off my back, stop obsessing quite so much, and relax more with the weekday riding, and have a bit more freedom for the weekends. I also need to start making an effort to get to new places to ride.

Whatever the reason, it is pissing me off now. Not to say I am not trying hard enough, or achieving enough. Trainer miles, road miles, commuter miles, they all take energy, commitment and focus, regardless of what your beliefs are about each discipline. They burn calories and take a toll on you physically. That is one of the reasons I cycle, so goal achieved.

For me, there is an element of willy waving involved, a huge chunk of physical health, saves money, and the big one, mental health.

Speaking of which, it is really disappointing that my employer Fedex, does not participate in a cycle to work scheme. Given that it is a logistics company, with green commitments, a large fleet and employee base, and a vested interest in mental health (apparently), yet is caught up in the fine print of the agreements, so won't get involved.

But back to the mental health bit. For me it has been a god send, however like anything, there IS such a thing as too much of a god thing. For me, goals are a strength, a vice, and a weakness.  Achieving them is like candy for the brain, obsessing over them, and the undying drive to achieve them is bad, VERY bad!

As I stand at the moment, I am on 3,876 for the year, so my immediate mindset is , "I must do 124 miles next week". Not, it would be nice to, but I MUST!! Achievable? Very much so, not a tough ask at all. Sensible to do yet another 100+ week, maybe less so.
Immediately after that is 4,250, my mileage goal for  this year. 16 days of the year left, 124+250, would be nice to finish my annual goal before the end of the month.
Why you ask, I have no idea, it is all just part of this obsession with mini goals, and setting close to unrealistic targets.
We are on Day 196 of the year, there are 166 days left in the year, but for some reason, my mind, my ego, my destructive obsession almost demands it is done in one tenth of that time. Because it would be "good" to.... Where is the logic in that?

This isn't the first time I have called myself out on this bullshit, and probably won't be the last. Issue I have is finding the balance between realistic, and achievable goals, and pushing too hard to somehow please others in my mind. Looking back over the last month, I have done much better with rest days, easier weeks etc, so I need to keep up that trend. While at the same time, getting my head out of my arse, and focusing on the positives, and finding the time to enjoy myself , while at the same time achieving sensible goals.

Add to this all, the running training too, and it is becoming a delicate balance right now.
I have put a stop to my cycling training for the time being, as it was becoming a little too much for my body. My priority right now, when thinking straight is to get up to my 10km run goals, then work from there. Trying not to start setting too many running goals, as it will just start the whole destructive mindset all over again. But I know the 10km non stop runs are within reach now. Add to this, I have been accepted for a half marathon for next year, I know I need to work on extended range for running. Pace is key!

For both running an riding, I have managed to realise now that pace is everything. Not so much speed, speed, speed, but more cadence, HR, and pace relative to those. Push too hard, endurance is gone. It's not a race, it's a journey, as they say.

So, long may the journey continue.

Thanks for reading 🙂

At the end of last year while trying to find an outlet for all my frustrations and energy, a good friend of mine Nikki decided she wanted to get a new bike for commuting to and from work, and to keep fit in general. Needless to say, in an act of kindness I was invited along to help her find the new bike. Once Nora was bought, the cogs started turning (pun intended) and my interest in riding sparked back into life. Having had a Specialized Hardrock Pro sitting around the house, which had hardly ever seen the light of day,was a good start.

The night Nora reached her new home the ball was already rolling, and off we went for our first ride. All  4 miles of it. I can honestly say at that point I wasn't so sure anymore. A couple of days later I took my bike down to the coast and rode a few more miles with another friend. This time, although exhausted and soaked, I was starting to remember why I loved riding before. As the days progressed I started to ride more, finding new places to go, while still avoiding the roads which I have hated for years.
A week into this new riding hobby of mine I went for another ride with Nikki, this time we clocked up a HUGE 7.7 miles, progress right! So much to my surprise, following our slight improvement on time and distance, two days later Nikki sends me a message, I won't beat around the bush, its below....
Yup, that's all it took!
To put it bluntly, after a paltry achievement of 7.7 miles, she had convinced me to enter a 100 mile, timed ride. With a time limit of 8.5 hours. So naturally, easily led as I am, I followed her lead and entered. That was Jan 7th. Today on Feb the 10th, I received this in the post.
After breathing a sigh of relief when I had read it was just a ballot, I knew there was only a chance of being selected. And then this! Confirmation I have been accepted to the challenge. HOLY SHIT !
I have to be a little bit cocky here and say that I have been working hard on my cycling, and my legs recently. Having taken up running, bought a treadmill, using my cross trainer for high resistance endurance training, which has helped my hill climbs (ok slopes to some, but inclines all the same!) On Monday after having been running for only 3 weeks, for the first time in absolute years, I completed my first 10km run. Yesterday I decided to push the boat out a bit, and with very little prep, no food planning and only half a bladder of recovery drink, I took on my longest ride to date. 40 miles around Richmond Park, complete with 1700ft of elevation. Not bad for a month or so in I have to say. So I am quietly confident that I have the 100 miles in me to finish this.
Next problem. Right now I use a pretty heavy mountain bike with semi slick tyres. As much as I love riding it, a 100 mile ride would be far nicer on a full road bike. Lycra and all, something I am growing every comfortable with, ooh err! So the search is on. An affordable but good road bike, set up for me, cleats and shoes, some sexy lycra to show off all my tattoos and disgust people, and start finding the right nutrition for me.
Thankfully its 24 weeks away yet, and the basic training plan is only 16 weeks, so I have 6-8 weeks to find the bike (and the money for it) before training starts. Of course the sooner I can get it, the sooner I can start suffering saddle pain, fall off numerous times due to forgetting I am clipped in, and all the other stuff that comes with it. I have to be honest though, I am secretly really excited to do my first lap of Richmond Park on the new bike, and seeing how it differs in time and effort to my MTB laps, which average about 32 mins at the moment. If I see a good improvement in those times early on, I will have more confidence for sure. 
I am contemplating riding for Breast Cancer Now as it is a cause close to my heart having lost family members to this disease. And of course to have the honour of wearing a bright pink jersey for the trip. This of course will entail raising money for them, which I have no problem with, but will not be plastering it all over the place, and am happy to make the donation myself rather than pressuring and pestering people. I have nothing against asking people to donate and sponsor, once of course.
So here goes, 24 weeks and counting to get prepared, get the gear and achieve what will be a massive new PB.
I don't at this point know anyone else who has been accepted on the ride, but am sure I will meet new faces along the way, especially if riding in a team. 

Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.