Skip to content

... and I really don't give a crap!
Feb 14th comes and goes every year,  same razzmatazz,  nothing changes except for the age I give when asked,  and my demographic in some cases. 43 this year,  and mentally I feel every year of it. Behaviour and physically of course are other matters entirely. I have ducked out of the whole of February for years now,  and as the years pass,  I have more and more reason to do so. This year especially. Of course it's that V day thing too,  and yeah,  I have no one,  sob bloody sob!

So this year I am going to do it differently... Oh tell a lie,  no I'm not. I'm going off the grid, out of London and spending some me time. Mainly driving,  probably mostly stuck in traffic, but it's a big middle finger up to the expectations of the date. I'm not sulking (much)  not boycotting (not totally),  just refusing to conform,  and being a lonely old bastard.  After all its what I do best.

Facebook is going off this evening,  and back on when I can be bothered,  phone going on silent,  I will be driving after all. Pretty sure it will be a shitty day,  and pretty boring too.  But it will be of my own making,  and I will have no one to blame but myself. As long as I end the day able to sleep and with a sense of satisfaction,  who cares. My gift to myself. What more could I want (or let's be honest,  expect either)

Thanks to those who have sent cards,  I promise I haven't thrown any straight in the bin this year.

As  a whole I am still pretty up and down with moods. Yesterday for example you would imagine after so many positives I would relax and sleep well ... Errm nope. Hopeless night of struggling to sleep, and waking all night long. Bad dreams,  as has been the norm for a few days now) and woke up feeling negative. Just goes to show,  my mind is a frickin mess.

Anyway,  just catching up,  sure only a few people will see this as I'm not posting a link anywhere,  just getting it all off my chest.

Bye for now.

Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.

How can I go from feeling so positive, to quite frankly, so shit in such a short space of time. I mean, I do get it, it's what the bastard brain is capable of doing, but even though I understand it, it is SO frustrating knowing you can't do a thing about it.

Today I woke feeling sore from lots of walking and activity over the past few weeks. As I have said before, walking and music are my two escapes from the feeling of total madness that I fall into if I don't keep my mind occupied with simple things. Planning to take it easier than recently, I first took a walk to the GP's to get myself a telephone consult with my doctor. Having spoken to the company doctor the other day, and taking his suggestions on board, I thought I would approach my doc with the recommendation of the increase in meds to get things stable. No point taking up a face to face, so a quick call should do the trick. That will be on Wednesday now.

After walking back home again, a few miles round trip in all, I took the dogs out. Now already walking more than I planned but my mind was starting to run away with me, so I did it to maintain control. Getting home I found I had a letter from the Psychological Therapy dept, with an appointment, for January. So in all so far it will have been 6-8 weeks to get to see someone to start the process. Or so you would think. But apparently the hour I spent on the phone a couple of weeks ago, answering questions, explaining myself, and doing the grading questionnaire wasn't enough. So my appointment in a couple of weeks time will in fact be.... An assessment... AGAIN ! So still no sign of actual help yet.

To say that makes me feel helpless is an understatement to say the least. I know the service is under a lot of pressure. But having approached my GP in early Nov, getting an appointment for January to assess me kinda sucks. Given that by assessment they acknowledge they are so far unaware of the extent of the situation.

With that slight hint of negativity I nose dived this afternoon, and by 1pm I was so tired I had to sleep. Brain just not wanting to keep thinking at the time, so back to bed I went. Waking a couple of hours later, feeling crap about myself, and in a worse state than when I went to bed in the first place. On waking my first thought was to go back to sleep. Since then I have tried to watch some TV, tried to do some bit around the house and failed on most counts. Resorting in the end to going for another walk, from which I have just returned. With a angry calf muscles, and very sore feet. I know I am not doing my body any favours doing this, but it's the lesser of two evils, so the body loses every time.

Speaking of the body, my latest thing is self loathing. Angry at myself for falling out of good shape, hating what I have become, and struggling with if I can even do anything about it. I have the equipment, I have the knowhow, but to actually get into the routine of it again seems impossible right now. I want to look good for me, I want to feel good about myself, and lets be honest, I want to be attractive to potential girlfriends. I would love to get into the best shape of my life next year. There is no real reason I can't, I just need the fire in my belly, and the encouragement of  some people around me to spur me on. But right now, all I can do is hate what I have become.

What I have become is over weight, under confident, unmotivated, and inward. Constantly questioning myself, looking back on past events in life, both recent and a long time ago, and wondering if I was a different person back then. Was that me, or is this really me? What changed, and what did I do over and over to get me into the place I am today. I don't think I am a bad person, but I know I have done some mean things over the years, not given people the attention or respect they deserved, and maybe that is coming back to bite me in the arse now? My retraction from interaction speaks volumes about how I feel about myself right now. Choosing only to communicate with a very limited group of people that I feel "safe" to speak with. No complications or awkwardness, no unexpected changes of subject. Just calm conversation.

And that's another thing. How two-faced do I feel at times. I can see someone I am comfortable around, and be happy, laugh and smile. Just opening up to them feels natural and good for me. With the chosen few I feel I am being the real me, the proper 100% actual me, the person I remember I am in times of clarity. Yet with others, and I apologise for this to you all, I am awkward, cold, and silent. Choosing not to even answer messages in case a question turns into a conversation. Avoiding silly things like a call to the Reebok engineer to get my cross trainer serviced, as I don't want to talk to strangers. Stupid as that sounds, I really can't bring myself to do that, or other calls right now. Unfortunate, as having a fully working cross trainer would be quite handy right now. Maybe I will try and call tomorrow ( like I have said for 2 weeks now).

I really didn't realise I was going to write so much right now. I know there is a lot in my head, that I have been unable to blog recently because of the lack of enthusiasm to sit at the desk and type, a lot of things building up and making matters worse for me. It is a really horrible feeling to know there are things I can do to make life easier, but not have the get up and go to do them. Almost trapped in my own head, by my malfunctioning brain. So much energy of varying sorts, all building up waiting to explode out of my mind.

With Xmas fast approaching, and the seasonal road trip to Wales, I am hoping I can get some fresh air, and relax my mind a little once the duties are taken care of. I feel bad though because in my head right now I don't want to see Chris and Dyfrig who I make a point of seeing every year. As much as I love our conversations, and how welcome I am made to feel, right now I can't bare the thought of sitting in the house and looking back over what has been quite a challenging year. I am sure I will do something to make amends for the lack of visit in person, but still feels wrong at the moment.

Right, I am going to leave it there as my concentration is waning a little and I may start to ramble more than I already am.

Just a quick thank you to those who continue to offer support and friendship, regardless of if I have accepted it or passed on it, I appreciate it all. My choices of who I am turning to right now in no way reflects how I feel about people in general, so please don't take what might appear as ignorance or shunning as a negative, it isn't something I feel I have control over right now.

On another note, and quite a macabre one, while I am struggling right now, and really fighting to stay active and in communication with the outside world, I can say thing with confidence, as I have said in person to a few people. I have no ill intent towards myself, no wish to no longer be around, or to harm myself. Strange as it sounds I know depression and anxiety affects people differently, and because of that it is a natural concern for some to have when they know a person they know is struggling a bit.
I promise that should that feeling ever change, phones would start ringing, doorbells would be rung, and I would reach out as soon as the first thought ever entered my mind.  So please don't worry about that, especially if I am not talking to you much right now.

OK, done, thanks and well done if you read this far.  Til next time.